Rakauskas's Ramblings

Weekly Sporties

2012-02-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

-When it comes to smack talk between either athletes, fans or any combination of the two, I have a fairly simple rule: leave wives, children and parents out of it. They didn't choose this life in the public spotlight, their family member did. That rule even extends to include the ones who occasionally decide to inject themselves into the story, such as Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, did after the Patriots' Super Bowl loss when she was overheard complaining about all the drops the Patriots had down the stretch. Giants running back Brandon Jacobs was later quoted as saying Gisele needed to shut up. While I agree that her throwing her husband's teammates under the bus like that was not good and also unnecessary, I was more annoyed at Jacobs for firing back at her. Honestly, who asked him? She wasn't talking about him or his team, so why does he even have an opinion on it? There is an unwritten understanding that athletes shouldn't comment about other athletes so if Wes Welker doesn't have something to say about it, than I'm pretty sure no one needs to hear from Brandon Jacobs. Take care of your own house and let the Patriots worry about theirs.

-As a fan there are two kinds of owners you never want to own your franchise. The first are the guys who don't really care about the sport, only own the team as a status symbol and plan to run it like a regular business (it's a fact - sports teams can't win and be worried about the bottom line). But, the other guys you don't want in the owners box are the guys who are a little too invested in the sport and suddenly think they know more than the people they employ. In Pittsburgh, president Art Rooney II has stated that he wants the team to go back to more of a ground-and-pound approach on offense and replaced offensive coordinator Bruce Arians with former Chiefs coach Todd Haley. First off, this doesn't make a ton of sense because the Steelers' personnel is built to play one way and that ain't it, so it could be like trying to cut down a tree with a hammer. But, the more disturbing news are the reports that both Ben Roethlisberger and head coach Mike Tomlin wanted to bring Arians back. Now I know as the president/owner the buck ultimately stops at Rooney, but just because he grew up around the Steelers doesn't mean he knows more about football than the head coach. Seriously, as a Patriots fan who is slightly terrified of what is going to happen when Jonathan Kraft is ultimately in charge, I'll be very curious to see how this little power-struggle works out.

-Late in the week Forbes Magazine released its list of the most hated athletes. First on the list was Michael Vick and the second was Tiger Woods. Also appearing in the top ten were athletes like Kris Humphries (the former Mr. Kardashian), Ndamukong Suh and Terrell Owens. This, of course, makes me wonder just who the hell they surveyed to make up this list, because I really doubt the people were serious sports fans. The Tiger Woods hate faded about a year ago, no sports fan thinks about Kris Humphries enough to not like him and at this point Terrell Owens is irrelevant. Also, I feel like serious sports fans respect Suh for his intensity while the only people who would hate him are the people who only know him from the Thanksgiving Day game, where he was ejected for stomping on a guy. (Admittedly, if that was your first and only interaction with Suh, he did not come off looking too good.) As such this list feels takes on the feel of being conducted among a group of people who only watch a few games a years and even then it is with one eye only. Basically, they just pulled names out of thin air based on hearing bad things from other people: "Hey, Michael Vick is a bad guy, right? Put him on the list. Yeah, totally hate that guy." Honestly, if you are going to put someone at the top of a list, have a reason and don't just do it based on a reputation you heard from other people. What do you think this is, the NCAA men's basketball preseason poll?

-Recently the NCAA adopted a new policy which says that if a team doesn't meet certain academic standards then they will not be allowed to participate in any postseason tournaments. It is called the Academic Progress Rate (APR) and it is a point system based on a two-year scale of how student-athletes are moving towards graduation. And while I doubt the NCAA really has the toughest of standards, somehow the UConn men's basketball program somehow still managed to fall short of them, which means they will not be eligible to play in the NCAA tournament in 2013. As usually happens when a program finds itself in the NCAA's crosshairs, UConn has appealed and offered instead to impose several penalties against itself, such as limits on recruiting and fewer pre-season invitational tournaments. So, basically, their plan to get mercy from the NCAA is to do less work? You don't think some of these kids would find the idea of not having to fly to Indianapolis for three games in November which don't even count in the standings like a bonus? Penalties don't really work like that, UConn. The entire thing has the feel of a kid who is failing a class but still wants to go to prom so they suggest their parents make them quit their after-school job. Something tells me we don't need to save a spot in the tournament for them.

-Early in the week former Tour de France winner Alberto Contador was stripped of his 2010 victory and banned from the sport for two years after his appeal of a failed drug test was denied. Previously, Contador had claimed the drugs in his system, which increased heart rate and blood flow, were the result of eating tainted meat. Apparently, cycling's governing body didn't believe this totally reasonable claim, which never seems to happen to anyone but people who cycle for a living. Now, at this point it barely news when a Tour de France winner fails a drug test (in fact I would say the news would be if a winner ever passed a test anymore). But, what I really want to know is this: why do we still do the Tour de France? Clearly it is a feat of human endurance which can not be accomplished without the aid of some chemicals coursing through your system. If you can't win without cheating, maybe it's time to find a new sport. I mean, we have moved on and invented other things, like cars. Those can cover the distance in a matter of days, not weeks and you don't even have to pump your body full of hormones to drive. Sounds like everyone wins in that scenario.

-While we're on the subject of failed drug tests, running back Ricky Williams announced he plans to retire from the NFL this week. For those of you who may not know, Williams is the former Heisman Trophy winner who famously fought social anxiety disorder, failed several drug tests for marijuana while playing in the NFL and briefly quit the game to study holistic medicine. I never know what to make of Ricky Williams. On the one hand, it is very admirable to do what makes you happy in the face of what must have been enormous pressure to stay with where you are, making very good money. I'm sure many people told him he was crazy to quit a job that paid him millions of dollars every year to go and live in a tent in the South Pacific. Ultimately, that time away taught Williams how best to manage football and life and he had some of his most productive years after the sabbatical. But, on the other I saw a lot of Ricky Williams career since he played against the Patriots twice a year and I can not remember one memorable thing he did on the field. I've been racking my brain and there isn't a long run or big catch anywhere in my memory banks. As often happens after a guy retires people want to debate whether or not he is a Hall of Famer and I have to say that if I had a vote, Ricky Williams would not be getting one from me.

-When it was announced that golf was going to be in the Olympics starting in 2016, people immediately began to ask one question: where are they going to play? After all, Rio isn't exactly a golf destination. It was decided that entirely new course would have to be built just for the Olympics and shortly after that the IOC began accepting proposals from design teams. Some of the biggest names in golf course design came out and submitted bids to be the lucky team who would be in charge of building the course. At first the winning entry was going to be revealed last month, but it was pushed back to this month. Then right before it was to be announced this week they pushed the decision back again. Now, I don't have a horse in this race, so I don't really care who ultimately ends up building this track, but I do think they should get on it. I mean, we're four years away from the games and this isn't like you are simply renovating an old course - it's being built from the sod up. That takes some time. But, given that this decision is being left in the totally ethical hands of the IOC, I'm sure they have legitimate reasons for the delay... like waiting for the bribery check to clear.

Three Quickies

2012-02-10T19:53:00.000-05:00

-Last week I wrote about my new GPS and how I was still getting used to the personality of it. Much like a couple of cops in an 80s action/buddy film, we're compromising nicely - I'm learning to live with its quirks, such as saying "R-T" instead of "Route", but also appreciate that it I found the button which makes it stop telling me when it has to recalculate and makes it just recalculate in silence. The thing I wasn't ready for is the discovery that my GPS is vengeful. Yesterday I was trying to find a golf course that I hadn't played in almost four years. Now, I'm pretty good with directions and if I drive somewhere once I will usually be able to get back there. But, it had been almost four years so while I could remember which exit I took off the highway, I couldn't remember when I needed to take the turn after that. I thought I could trust my GPS, but after I ignored it's first three suggestions for which exit to take (I wanted the more highway, so faster but less-direct option) apparently it was no longer in the mood to be helpful. So, when I got off at the exit I remembered from my last trip I was subsequently sent on the most roundabout trip imaginable.

I got the sinking feeling that I was being guided in the wrong direction pretty early. Nothing looked familiar and the neighborhood had quickly shifted from the suburbs to more concrete and less green. If there was a golf course in the area it was going to pop up out of nowhere. My suspicions were confirmed as I went from being in the town where my destination is located to nearly being guided onto the Mass Pike. Now, I found my destination eventually, but not without ignoring a few more suggested turns from my GPS. Of course, I didn't realize just how off I was until I got home and double-checked my route. Turns out that had I just stayed on the same road I was on right after I got off the highway for a few more miles I would have been at the course much faster. Again, it wasn't the shortest route in terms of distance, but it had the fewest amount of turns. Now, I'm sure there is a way to adjust this in the settings and I need to figure it out soon. I also really hope my GPS doesn't plan to try and out-stubborn me, because I'm not the one who shuts off as soon as I get unplugged.

-The golf course I was hunting for was Newton Commonwealth. I picked it because, frankly, it was the only course in the area I was certain was open. Even though I know Little Harbor, my country club on the Cape which is neither a country club nor on the Cape, is open year-round, I didn't want to drive the hour in either direction to golf there. Now, for those of you who may be thinking about checking out Newton Commonwealth you should know the course is currently undergoing some renovations for next golf season. Other than a couple of closed tee boxes there is no big disruption. In fact, teeing off presented the only problems I had all day, because the ground was so frozen and hard that I couldn't put a tee into it. My options were to either tee off way too high or hit right off the ground. Now, a smarter (or at least more easily-deterred) man would take that as a sign that golfing in February in Massachusetts is bad idea. Me? I just teed it extra high. After all, if you are going to let a little cold weather beat you I suggest you move.

-The funny thing about Newton Commonwealth is that is essentially built into the side of a very steep hill. Some of the holes just go up and up and up. One of those is the very long par-5, 5th hole. Now, this was one of those holes where I miraculously put two good shots together back-to-back and could go for the green in regulation. Unfortunately, my third shot came up a little short and appeared to come to rest next to a tree on the side of the green. It was a good thing too, because this was an elevated green with severe sloping on either side. Walking up I was convinced my ball was against the tree. But as I approached I notice a ball in the sand trap next to the green, about 8 feet below the hole. I was kind of bummed, because I had been in the sand all afternoon. However, as I got closer I got new life when I noticed the ball in the sand was not my ball at all, but a random ball someone just left there. I went back up to to the tree to look for my ball. When I finally found it, I discovered it had indeed rolled back down... passed the bunker and to the bottom of the hill, a full 30 feet below the hole. You know, sometimes the outcome we were hoping against is actually the best thing for us. (Maybe that should have been Life Lesson #32?)

Lesson #32

2012-02-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

So, once again we've reach that time of year where I like to take a step back and think about what I have learned over the past year. After all, what is the point of getting older if you aren't also going to get a little wiser in the process? There is nothing more frustrating than people who don't learn from past experiences. With that in mind, let's get to Life Lesson #32:

32. You should never judge how people react to a situation until you have been in that situation yourself.

This past year has been filled with people who can't wait to tell you what they would do if they were in certain situations. Frankly, they are starting to piss me off. The most publicized one has been the on-going Penn State sex abuse scandal. Everybody with a microphone will stand up and tell you how they would have reacted if they had been in Joe Paterno's shoes and what he should have done instead. Bobby Bowden has done several interviews in which he said that he didn't think Paterno did enough to follow up on the allegations of what he was told by graduate assistant Mike McQueary and thinks he should have done things differently. With several players arrested under his watch I don't think it is Bowden's place to claim the moral high ground. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying a couple kids getting drunk and fighting is the same, I just believe Bowden's focus was always on winning football games and nothing else, so he didn't run the cleanest of programs.) To me this is a situation I just hope to never find myself in, because I think it would be awful. Because of that I don't think anyone should be quick to snap to a judgement.

Personally, I say "There but for the grace of God go I." Sure, I would like to think I would react by running to the police and demanding a thorough investigation, but thankfully I wasn't put in that position. There is a chance that I would be frozen out of disbelief. I'm almost positive that if I had known someone for thirty years and was told they had committed a series of crimes I would be disinclined to believe it, because humans by nature like to think we know the people around us. Everyone always makes the right choice when talking about these kids of situations, because anyone can be a hypothetical hero. You saw people being interviewed on the street, saying that if it was their kid they would have killed Sandusky themselves and, "No jury in the world would convict me." Yeah, well it's fine to say that like an actor in a movie, but this isn't some shitty made-for-TV soap opera, this is real life. People go to prison when they kill other people, even if they think they have a good reason. Most of those tough-talkers would have done what the actual families of the victims did, which is blame themselves and feel as though this was their fault for letting it happen. When the time for action finally arrives my guess is that most of those people who tell others how to react would show that they can talk a big game, but not do much differently.

We're also seeing this kind of hypothetical heroism in the world of politics. As this is an election year, people are out stomping for one candidate or another and the only thing these people apparently have in common is that they always make the quick and correct decision. Apparently, this will be the first group of politicians in history who will never make a bad decision once we put them in office. They should just cut to the chase and release bumper stickers which say, "Screw my opponent, I always know what to do." At least, that was the general theme of every Republican debate I watched: this is what Obama said he would do, but he didn't. Here's what I'm going to do, but I'm actually going to do it. Again sounds all well and good, but the reality is that none of these people have any idea what the job of being Leader of the free world entails, so for them to act as though they have it figured out before taking office is laughable. I'm sure every politician in history has gone in with big ideas, only to discover that actually getting those ideas in place is really very hard. You have to coexist with a bunch of people who don't want to work with you for no other reason than which party you belong to. I'm reminded of a quote by JFK about his first 100 days in office, "I think the most surprising thing is that things are really as bad as we said they were."

Fortunately, there are some people out there ready to occasionally call people on their absurd claims. For example, when Marky Mark Wahlberg did an interview in which he said that if he has been on Flight 93 on 9/11, as he had originally been scheduled, things would have turned out differently. Fairly quickly people started to point out that things can be rather different when you are in real danger versus having a stunt coordinator off to the side to make sure everyone pulls the punches at the appropriate time, so maybe the wannabe-rapper-turned-actor should shut his damn mouth. Just because you can look tough on camera when everyone is being paid to ignore the fact that you are actually 5'5", it doesn't make you truly tough. It took all of one day for Wahlberg to issue an apology. Just let that be a reminder for us all when we hear about someone in a sticky situation: we all think we would do the right thing, we all hope we'd do the honorable thing. But unless you've actually been there and done it, just shut up and pray you never have to find out.

Previously:
I turned 30.
Then I was 31.

Birthday Anthem:
So, I assume you guys know how this works. For those of you who may be new, allow me to explain: the first song I heard today became my birthday anthem for the year. This means that anytime this song plays for the next 365 days... well, nothing special happens. It just reminds me I had a birthday. At least I really like this song.

Take Them With You

2012-02-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

About a month and a half ago I remember writing about how it would be better if some TV shows decided to pull themselves off the air instead of leaving it in the hands of the network executives. At the time I said the writers would be doing themselves a favor in the long run because they could go out while the writing was still high-quality and not risk stretching the stories thin just to make to through a season they didn't anticipating having. It may suck to leave a big paycheck on the table, but it would increase their odds of getting another show later. Basically, my premise was that it is better to go out too soon than stay too late. Well, it appears the people behind the show "House" agree with me, because this afternoon they announced that this season will be the last for the show.

Now, I'll be honest - I almost never watch "House" on it's regularly scheduled night. Much like shows such as "NCIS" and I only catch it when the re-runs show on various cable channels months later. So, I'm not even 100% sure who is even still on the cast, but I have seen enough episodes and subsequent promos for the new season to know the show has gotten stale. Let's see, someone has a mysterious illness, House acts like a jerk, but he'll figure it out after several wrong guesses and unforeseen obstacles and the only question is whether or not the patient is going to die anyway. And, honestly, how many times can one doctor go to rehab, jail or the insane asylum before someone pulls his medical license? Eight years of this was just about enough. So, with the people from "House" having the good sense to walk away before the show went from stale to downright lazy I started thinking about a few other shows that should also have the good sense to walk before they are pushed.

-American Dad: This hasn't been around for that long, but I still think we have seen enough. Remember, it came on when a Republican was in office, so most of the jokes don't even really work anymore. I know Seth MacFarlane has several huge deals with Fox, but I still they can cancel this show without him purposely tanking "Family Guy" or "The Cleveland Show"... not that you would really notice with "The Cleveland Show".

-Survivor: Let me guess what happens this season: a bunch of people will be trapped on an island, forced to eat random crap, stab each other in the back to win some money and go back to whatever obscurity they were living in before as soon as the next season starts? I've never seen more than five episodes of this show and I'm pretty sure I just nailed it. Do you want to know why? Because that is what happens every season. When you are adding 18 new people to your cast every year and the show is still repetitive than it is time to go.

-American Idol: Ok, maybe this show still does well enough in the ratings that it can stick around, but can we please get rid of at least one of the 10 different singing competition shows which are infesting my TV line-up? Maybe I would be more enthusiastic if the shows repeatedly produced interesting and talented performers, but they disappear from the entertainment industry as quickly as they appear. Either start giving us people who are going to actually produce quality music or there is no point in having you around.

-CSI: I'm not saying the original has to go. Or maybe it does. I just know that one of the three needs to be cancelled, because there are just too many versions on right now. Honestly, how many hard-to-solve-crimes requiring high-tech solutions does this country have? I've seen "The First 48" and I'm pretty sure most people confess as soon as they are arrested.

-The Simpsons: It's just time. I haven't laughed at "The Simpsons" in about a decade. I know they wanted to make it to a certain number of years to be the longest-running show in history, but now that they have done that they can all move on to other projects. It's like when Brett Favre kept chucking footballs well past his prime, determined to end up with the most touchdown passes in NFL history. What ended up happening was along the way he also threw more interceptions than anyone else. The only good news is that the cast seems to see that the end is near, because they actually took a pay cut in the last contract negotiations, something they never would have agreed to just five years ago. Their run was better than everyone else's, but it's time to let go.

Flower Power

2012-02-07T17:47:00.000-05:00

The other night I was driving into the city and came upon one of those bottlenecks that Boston is oh-so-famous for. Allegedly, most of this city's streets were originally just cow paths which were at some point filled in with stones and eventually asphalt. The more I drive into Boston, the more convinced I become that those cows were drunk. At the very least they had to be more willing to merge than your average Masshole, because how else can you explain the logic behind taking six lanes of traffic and compressing it down into two in under a quarter of a mile? Oh, and this particular intersection had the extra added bonus of two sets of traffic lights within about 300 feet of one another. You may be asking, were these lights synced up so as to provide the maximum traffic-flowing capabilities? I think you know the answer to that already, but of course they weren't. People who needed the green had the red and the people who had the green had nowhere to go because of the cars who had the red. The result of this exercise in (un)civil engineering is that I had a few minutes to kill on my hands. This was when I was reintroduced to the greatest salesmen in the world: the red-light peddlers.

For those of you who might not drive into the city too often the red-light peddlers are the people who stand on the side of a busy intersection and wait until traffic has stopped moving in one direction. They then walk up and down between the first few cars trying to sell something to their captive audience and are back in their spot by the time the light changes. Usually they will have one guy for one direction and another for the opposite one, but the really talented sellers can handle both directions by themselves. Now, as a man who is a big fan of drive-thrus you probably are expecting me to also be a big fan of this service. After all, I was the one who said my dream is to do all my Christmas shopping via in-store pickup with curb-side delivery so I would never have to get out of my car. But instead these people make me very nervous. I'm always convinced they are about to get clipped by some road-raging driver, but they never do. They seem almost oblivious to the dangers that come with the fact that they are literally dancing through traffic trying to make money. They just go about their selling without a care in the world. This is why I have especially cringed the few times I have been at a red light and seen a child out there trying to raise money for some Little League team or something. I don't want to give those kids money, I want to give them smarter parents. (Did no one think to suggest a car wash like normal people?)

But for now we will focus on the adults who do this by choice. In the mornings you will often see them selling newspapers to commuters who don't get the paper delivered or go to train stations. When it switches to night time they change their product and sell flowers out of a bucket to couples out on date nights. Usually it is something like half a dozen roses or perhaps a collection of some daisies, but no matter what kind of flower it is, I have to say it is a brilliant strategy. For starters, every guy going on a date who hasn't picked up their lady yet and who didn't think to pick up flowers before he left the house will be blown away by how convenient this is for him. (Sure, they end up getting credit they don't really deserve, but isn't that the case with most products marketing towards being romantic?) But, even for those guys who may already be with a woman this strategy combines two key things to make a sale: pressure and a limited amount of time. I would love to know how many of these red-light peddlers can make a sale just by showing the flowers to the girls in the passengers seat. An offhanded, "When was the last time you bought the lady flowers?" comment can do wonders. Guys will be pissed at being thrown under the buss, but they'll be pissed as they hand over some cash.

However, it is really the time-sensitive nature of the sale that makes it work so well. Because the offer is only good until the light changes you better act now or deal with her being annoyed at you for being so cheap for the rest of the night. That is why the prices are usually so low. They don't want to make it an amount you might have to think about or so expensive you wouldn't have enough cash on you. Plus, due to the limited-time-offer feeling that comes with this type of sale you can't really inspect the merchandise. In a normal setting you may look them over and decide that they simply aren't worth any money at all. But, here you'll be miles down the road before you notice that half the flowers are already dead. And it is not like you are going to turn around and go back for a refund, because you have someplace to be. If you had that kind of time you'd have bought the flowers from a store like a normal man who thinks about this kind of stuff before he is four minutes from his date's house. It's damn-near the perfect sales scenario. Honestly, these people should start selling insurance and make themselves some real money.

Super Bowl Ramblings

2012-02-06T17:05:00.000-05:00

As many people know, the only drawback to Twitter are the people who Tweet way too much. I like people who Tweet occasionally or maybe in spurts for big events. I do not need 25 updates from one person in one day. It is the main reason I am so selective about who I follow. Because I can recognize how annoying the over-Tweeters are, I didn't Tweet throughout the Super Bowl. Besides, somethings require more than a 140 characters. So, here are just a few of the thoughts I collected while watching the game... (I just wish they were happier thoughts.)

-I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. One of the ways I think you can know how smart you are is to recognize when you do dumb things. For example, as I ran around my house yesterday, going through all my absurd and superstitious pre-game rituals I was fully aware that they were both absurd and superstitious as well as totally meaningless. What I do at my home has no connection whatsoever with the Patriots. There is no way in hell that Bill Belichick spent the final team meeting going over the game plan and then closed it by saying, "We've also got confirmation that Tom is wearing his lucky boxers and got his blog post done for the day, so we're good to go." (By the way, I wish I only had those 2 pre-game rituals.) I know this. However, that doesn't mean I wasn't going to do them. Basically, I'm smart enough to know they aren't going to help, but dumb enough to feel like I have to do them anyway.

-As a National Anthem aficionado, I give Kelly Clarkson's Super Bowl effort a solid 7. Not as good as Whitney Houston's all-timer, but at least she didn't mess up the words like Christina Aguilera. She kept it simple and straightforward, which is the way to go. Also, I think she was singing live, though I cannot be sure. What I am sure of, however, is that the children's choir with her was absolutely not singing live. The voices didn't match-up. There is no way those kids got that loud or had that much soul in their voices. It may be the first time in history that back-ups were taped, while the lead vocals were not.

-However, I'm much more certain that Madonna was lip-syncing. (Again, I think her fans should be comforted by the fact that she's not a good lip-syncer.) So, here's what is weird: I can't stand Madonna. Yet, as everyone is ripping her today, I find myself in the unusual position of defending her, because I thought her performance was much better than expected. I guess fully expecting it to suck was the way to go, because anything above a D+ was going to be a passing grade. Also, I did not see M.I.A. flipping off the camera, probably because I have no idea who M.I.A. is. Apparently my musical tastes have aged in dog years.

-Conversely, everyone is talking about how great the commercials were and I did not think this was a particularly strong year for the ads. I liked the Clint Eastwood one, but thought he could have used a throat lozenge. Most of the time my favorite commercials ended up being the movie trailers. (G.I. Joe, June 29th. I am so there.) But, of the traditional ones, my favorite commercial was the Bud Light, "Here, WeGo" one with the adopted dog. You can never go wrong with so-ugly-it's-cute dog who brings people beer and tells them to get a pet from a shelter.

-While I didn't think the announce team was that great (missed some obvious stuff and sounded like they didn't do enough pre-game research), the thing that was driving me the craziest about them was when they talked about the Patriots being the slight favorites and how they didn't understand why, considering the level both teams were playing at coming into the game. C'mon - we're all adults here. Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth have been around football for about 60 years combined, they have to know betting lines are set to get the most action, not to reflect the teams. I know the NFL doesn't want them to highlight betting (mostly because they don't control it), but can the announcing teams stop insulting our intelligence by pretending like they have no idea what this "gambling" you speak of is all about?

-For all the talk that football is about strategy and teamwork, what no one stresses enough is that you also need a lot of luck. I'm not saying that the Giants were lucky to win last night, I'm just saying that every team needs some good fortune to win a championship and when you don't have it you can tell pretty early. For example, when the Giants fumbled three times and got all three back, I got the feeling it was not the Patriots night. When Wes Welker dropped a pass he would normally catch 97% of the time I turned to the people I was with and declared that we were about to lose. When it is not your night there is almost nothing you can do to but wait for the dagger.

-That was the worst part of the game: knowing we were going to lose with about 5 minutes left to go and just having to wait for the Giants to make it official. There was no doubt in my mind that they were going to march right back down the field once the Patriots were forced to punt. Watching the game slowly slip away was like water torture. Much like you can concede a hole in golf, occasionally you should just concede regular sporting events.

-Not that this is a skill I want to be very good at, but at least I don't take these loses nearly as hard as I used to. I think it is just the Celtics fan in me who watched too many 25-win seasons rounding back into shape after being spoiled by success for so long. Following last night's game I just had to let out one loud, primal, expletive scream that probably would have woken the neighbors if they weren't already up (trust me, they would still be getting the better end of that deal) and I was good. Got all the negative energy out in one action and felt much better. I wouldn't suggest any Giants fans come up looking for a hug right now, but I'm pretty good.

-The key to getting over these kinds of games is to forget the other stages of grief and essentially skip right to denial. ("What game? There was a game last night?") However the only way to really do that is to avoid pretty much every sports TV channel and website, because for the next week it is going to be all about the Giants victory parade and their place in history. What makes this very difficult for me is that those kinds of channels and websites make up about 75% of my viewing and reading sources. So, if anyone has a new blog or website they want me to check out, this would be the week to send it my way.

-There was one last thing I had to deal with before I could truly move on. As I often do with big sporting events, I had been burning the game straight to DVD. (Ironically, I had a very hard time getting the recorder to set up. It was like the universe was trying to warn me. I should have listened.) Now, I obviously didn't want to keep a copy of the game once it was over, but rather than just erase the DVD so I could use it again, I thought I would be a melodramatic idiot and destroy it. In my mind I envisioned a clean snap in half, like a villain in a movie destroying evidence which would exonerate the hero. So... did you know DVDs are much harder to break in real life? Yeah, rather than get the clean snap I was hoping for, the DVD actually splintered and pieces went flying all over the room, with one plastic missile catching me just below my eye. I managed to pick most of them up, but I am almost positive I didn't get them all. Now, I know I will be stepping on a shard someday, but let's all agree that can only happen when I am barefoot. It will be a nice reminder of the Super Bowl when it happens in three months and despite the fact that I will vacuum numerous times before then. Insult, meet injury.

Farewell (For Now)

2012-02-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

After two long weeks, we've finally reached Super Bowl Sunday. Now, some of you may be expecting a Super Bowl preview or prediction in this post. Sorry to disappoint you, but I just can't do it. I'm too close to the Patriots to be rational about it. I don't know why this is the case, but I feel like I want this Super Bowl more than others. It could be because it has been a while or maybe it's just because as I'm getting older and I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't take runs like this for granted. It's hard to be this good for this long. You could hear Tom Brady thinking many of the same thoughts as he talked in a press conference about not knowing how many more of these opportunities he has left. Or maybe I just don't want to hear from the obnoxious fucking Giants fans anymore.

Frankly, I just want to watch this game. I don't want to clog things up by trying to break down the match-ups and who has which tactical advantage. Not to mention, I think the Giants have too many of those advantages and I can't bring myself to type what I think will happen. (It's a head vs heart kind of thing.) Instead, I'm only going to offer one prediction for the game: Madonna's Halftime Show is going to suck. A lot.

Still, no matter which side wins this game I am going to come away with a heavy heart, because either result still means the end of football for almost six months. This stinks, because I love watching football. Sure, it will be nice to have my Sundays free again and we've got the Celtics, Bruins and Red Sox to keep us entertained, but it's just not the same. I think it is the one game a week which makes it special. Whatever the reason, training camps can't get here fast enough.

Weekly Sporties

2012-02-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

-Last week we talked about how boring the Pro Bowl is because no one ever bothers to play defense, rendering the entire event a glorified 7-on-7 passing drill. But, at least you could always count on the players to at least pretend to try as they were attempting to keep up the ruse. However, even they couldn't lie about their effort this year, as most of the time the defensive linemen weren't even rushing the quarterbacks. It was so bad that Aaron Rodgers came out and was saying that this year's effort was really bad, even by Pro Bowl standards. I think we can all agree that the current format just isn't working anymore, because no one wants to risk getting hurt right before the offseason and potential free agency (and you can't blame them for that). The problem is I just can't give you a better alternative. Ideally you would like to do it at the start of the next year, maybe even as the Hall of Fame game, but with the amount of players retiring, changing teams and coaches getting fired it just doesn't make sense to wait that long. I'm going to guess that the only thing which would really inspire players would be more money to the winning side, because Conference pride certainly isn't working.

-After two weeks of hype, people are pretty much sick of Super Bowl coverage. But no matter how annoying you find it, at least they will finally be playing the game tomorrow and the two teams earned the right to be talked about this much. What I'm annoyed with is the fact that Peyton Manning's neck has somehow become the biggest story of this year's Super Bowl, even though Peyton hasn't played all year. It is customary for the quarterback from the host city make a few appearances, but Peyton has hijacked this year's game by leaking reports about his health and whether or not he is about to be released by the Colts. What annoys me even more is that the media is allowing him to do it. We all know the Colts plan to draft Andrew Luck and will probably release Peyton before he is do a very large bonus at the end of the month. (Even if he is healthy, he is probably not worth the monetary risk.) So, if we know all this, why are we letting him be such a big media story? There is no breaking news in any of these reports. I think it speaks volumes about his ego that he is purposely leaking these reports (and you'll never convince me otherwise) during the week that his little brother is playing in the Super Bowl. I can understand trying to steal Tom Brady's thunder, but doing this to Eli is a dick move. I know brothers can be competitive, but hasn't Peyton had the spotlight enough?

-Another guy I want to shut up until actual news happens is Dwight Howard. You may remember from previous sporties that Howard is currently the center for the Orlando Magic, but has continually asked for a trade from the team since he is in the last year of his deal and doesn't plan to return. Well last Sunday, as the Magic were getting their butts kicked against the Hornets (a common theme this year as the Magic have been free-falling after a hot start) Howard ripped into his team at half time, telling them that anyone who didn't want to play hard should just stay in the locker room for the rest of the game. Very inspirational stuff. Inspiration which lasted for about 24 hours, until the Magic were in Chicago to play the Bulls and Howard told reporters he would love to get traded there. Now, I know he was just being asked the question, but there is nothing which says you have to answer every question you have been asked. Suddenly it is easy to see why the Magic have been sputtering lately. It is really hard to follow a leader who has one foot out the door and is constantly telling people how he can't wait to get traded. Frankly, the way he is handling his exit would make me think twice about trading for the guy. Either way, I just want them to hurry up and get it over with.

-Another man with questionable leadership skills is LSU coach Les Miles. When last we saw Les he was being thoroughly out-coached in the BCS title game and harassed in his own post-game press conference by a radio show host about why he never made a quarterback switch. But on National Signing Day, when the top high school recruits pick their colleges, Miles surfaced again, just long enough to make a speech in which he publicly ripped former recruit Gunner Kiel. Kiel is the top quarterback prospect out of Indiana and he decommitted from LSU to stay in-state and go to Notre Dame. So, Miles spent several minutes on signing day not talking about Kiel by name, but constantly questioning his leadership skills with thinly-veiled insults. Never mind the fact that Miles had no such qualms about Kiel when he convinced Kiel to decommit from Indiana (his first choice) to sign with LSU. Apparently, that was just a no-honor-among-thieves kind of thing. But I think it shows a real lack of class to publicly make fun of an 18 year-old kid for waffling on a tough decision. Due to the cameras and the money, every now and again we forget that college sports are still played by teenagers. Miles may have built a hugely successful program down in Louisiana, but someone should remind him that it is still made up of a bunch of kids. Kids who just learned that if they cross him they shouldn't expect Miles to act like the adult in that situation.

-The big news of the offseason was that the Major League Baseball playoffs were going to be expanding. Now there will be two wild-card teams playing in a one-game series which would amount to a play-in game for the right to continue on in the postseason. Commissioner Bud Selig had hoped to get the changes in place by this coming season, but said this week that they would have to be held off until next season, due to scheduling and logistical problems. What scheduling problems? It's one extra game tacked on at the end of a 162-game season. Does he really think that adding one game is going to cause such massive problems, especially when teams typically only have two or three days to get ready for the playoffs anyway? I've worked in sports stadiums and know how quickly they can turn the place over for the next game. Honestly, after that long a season it would be just another night like all the others. I can't believe they are acting like this is some large problem. If they are having such issues with this it has suddenly become clear as to why they are so slow to work on expanding instant replay.

-Still, they are doing much better than the NHL, because it appears those guys can't even get the basics right.. A couple days ago during the final seconds of a game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and Los Angeles Kings in LA, the Kings found themselves tied with a few seconds to play. They ended up scoring the winning goal with just .5 of a second left on the clock. But, after the goal it became clear that the clock had paused at 1.8 seconds. It wasn't a long stoppage, but definitely longer than .5 seconds. However, that wasn't what was being reviewed at the time, so no one in the booth noticed it and the goal was allowed to stand. Now, it clearly looked to the world that the Kings got a little home cooking. Had they sheepishly admitted it by putting out a statement saying they would look into a possible clock malfunction nothing more would have happened. But, instead they tried to absolve themselves of blame by saying that the clock was self-correcting and the pause was because it had moved too fast earlier in the period. Now, I will grant you that technology has made some things more complicated than they need to be. However, I don't think a clock counting down 20 minutes is one of those things. Just admit you screw up and be done with it. Making up some overly complicated answer about clocks just makes you look guiltier and causes the rest of us to be suspicious about your other time-keeping abilities. As always, trying to make excuses about how they were innocent just made the Kings look guilty.

-I'm always amazed at what constitutes news on ESPN.com. Some smaller but legitimate sport stories never get mentioned, while other things which don't seem like actual news end up on the front page. A perfect example of this happened early in the week when it was announced that Mike Tyson is going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. He is going in for his contributions to the WWE acting as a guest-referee. Now, the fact that his few appearances were worthy of a Hall of Fame nod are strange enough. (Sylvester Stallone was more deserving of getting into the boxing Hall of Fame.) But the fact that ESPN thought it was worth a mention on the first page of their website is even stranger. Seriously, it is a fake, scripted sport and a fake Hall of Fame. No one goes in based on their accomplishments, they go in based on how much they got along with the owner and the writers behind the scenes. This isn't news any more than it would be a character on a soap opera received some award. Still, I guess as long as the Royal Rumble results don't start appearing on the ticker than I can't complain too much.

Recalculating This Post

2012-02-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago I posted a video clip from a Patton Oswalt comedy special in which Patton talked about how time travel has gotten easier in the last few years due to technology. Sure, we don't have time machines yet, but when we finally do get them we won't have to go back 100 years to blow the minds of everyone in the past, we just had to go back to 1995. Because just 17 short years ago we couldn't even fathom something like an iPod. He then went on to explain how amazing iPods would be to our past selves because they are half the size of tapes (not even the walkmans, just the tapes) and yet they can hold just about every song ever written. Also, they are super cheap compared to all the things they can do. But people of today don't even notice anymore. Apple has made so many that they practically give them away and unless it is the touch-screen, 100 GB version people don't even want them. He just couldn't understand why people don't see what a miracle these inventions are. I think he's totally right. I also think iPods aren't the only invention that don't get enough credit for how amazing they are, which is why we're going to talk about another miracle of modern science in this post: the GPS.

If you had told 10 year-old me that in the future you could buy a computer that hooked up to your car, connected you to a satellite in outer space and downloaded a map of every road in the country to make sure you would never get lost again, the past version of me would have logically concluded that this was a feature on a flying car. But the reality is that the current version of me gets annoyed because my new GPS says things like "Take R T 1-2-8" instead of "Take Route 128." (You have to admit, it's a little odd. I mean, the only thing a GPS needs to talk about is roads, so why wouldn't it know how to say 'route'? Also, is putting together a three-number combination so hard?) Plus, I become frustrated when the GPS leaves out details like how quickly the second turn is coming up, causing me to miss that turn and then tells me it is "recalculating" with the same annoyed tone an ex-girlfriend would use, just missing the heavy sigh. (Oh, I'm sorry GPS, am I keeping you from some important and pressing engagement at the moment? Are you frustrated that our journey is going to take four minutes longer, thus delaying you from being back in the glove compartment? I'm the one who has someplace to be, you know. If you had mentioned how quickly the turn was coming up we wouldn't even be in this position.)

We should also be marveling at how cheap GPS units have become. Like most pieces of technology, they have drastically dropped in price since they hit the market a few years ago. I first bought one as a gift four years ago for several hundred dollars. Now you can get a pretty good one for about a hundred bucks, meaning I can share the pain of any person who ever bought a VCR for $800. And that is if you want one of the bigger units to keep in your car. You can easily get GPS software delivered directly to your phone for much cheaper than that (or free if you feel like trusting a free app). Yep, if you are feeling particularly lazy that day you don't even have to go to the store and buy one, you can just click a button on your phone and the software will installs itself. Not that we appreciate that convenience either. Instead we complain because the list of stores is wrong and the GPS keeps trying to send us to the CVS which moved 4 months ago, even though it is actually our fault because we never bother to log on and update the maps like the machines tells us to every time we log on.

Now, it is human nature to take things which are easily accessible for granted. We always want what we can't have and most of the time the fun is in the hunt. When you can get a GPS unit from just about any kind of store, from electronics to sporting goods, that means they are pretty easy to get your hands on. But when you can buy a super-cheap one from a company you have never heard of out of the "electronics" aisle at the drug store just one aisle over from the toothbrushes, one can easily make the case they are too easy to get. Also, this is admittedly one of those problems that you only have when you are a first-world country. You are never going to find people in a war-torn country complaining about how their easily-purchased GPS sent them the long way around to Starbucks. I just think every now and again we should collectively take a step back and realize that we have some really cool toys at our disposal, even when they don't tell you that the exit is going to be on the left like they are supposed to.

The Sounds Of Silence

2012-02-02T17:25:00.000-05:00

Early yesterday morning I had to stop and get some gas. As I was the only person filling up at the time, it was dead silent. It was that kind of silence which allows you to hear things you normally wouldn't and it was because it was so quiet around me that I was able to notice that the pump I was using was not making any noise, which I found to be odd. Normally you can hear the gas traveling through the hoses or at least the pumps kicking on after you have been filling up for a while. Instead I got nothing. These were clearly new pumps which were much more efficient than the old versions and therefore worked without making as much noise. Admittedly, given the hour and the fact that I was working off 4 hours of sleep meant I was only about 90% awake, but for half a second I wasn't even sure I was getting any gas at all. I thought the dial was going to roll through and I would get into my car to discover the gas needle had not move. After I scolded myself for being such an idiot, I still came to a conclusion: I'm not totally sure I like how silent things are nowadays. I don't need loud banging, but I have decided that I definitely prefer some noise from my machines to let me know they are working.

My previous vehicle always had a steady rumble emitting from under the hood, even when at a complete stop. In fact, the only time it was ever totally quiet was when it mysteriously turned off on me while I was cruising down the highway at 70 mph (and people wondered why I never wanted to do road trips in that truck). As such it was never a thump or the grinding of gears that make my ears perk up, it was silence. That is why the biggest adjustment I had to make when I bought my new truck was coming to grips with the fact that owning a car made in this century means the engine is still running well enough that it doesn't make any noise as long as nothing is broken. I have to say, it was not an easy adjustment. When you are used to noise, silence can very uncomfortable. Seriously, for the first couple of months I thought the truck stalled out at every red light. The only way I could reassure myself that everything was still working was to take my foot off the brake and have let the truck roll forward a little. That new car which shuts itself off every time the car is at a red light would probably give me an ulcer (also, I would absolutely break it).

My computer is the same way. Even now I find a strange level of comfort in the gentle hum that comes from my tower. When my computer freezes I want to hear something inside making noise, because that is usually the only way I know the machine is still working to resolve the problem. Some of the programs I run typically take a few minutes to get going and if my computer was silent I think more than half the time I would get impatient and re-boot. Household appliances are another thing which need to make noise for you to be sure they operational. Hell, the fact that it rumbles and shakes is the best and easiest way to know if a washing machine is done - just go to the stairs and listen. If you can't hear it, it's done. The fact that it is so noisy saves you from having to walk up or down a flight of stairs. And even the quietest dishwasher will still make enough noise that you can be sure it is done without having to leave the next room. It's just as good as a baby monitor.

Speaking of the kids, my preference for noise doesn't just apply to machines, either. Whenever I am watching kids I want to them to make as much noise as possible. Silence can be deafening while babysitting. Have you ever been watching a kid and realized that they have been way too quiet for way too long? It's petrifying. (For those wondering "too long" depends on the kid. For some it's a couple minutes, others it's 20 seconds.) Sure, there are certain children you can leave alone and if they are not making noise it is not a big deal, as you can confidently assume they are quietly playing or drawing. But, with some other kids silence means they are just pausing so that the crash they are about to make is even louder and the most damaging. Even worse, it could mean they have escaped. Suddenly you find yourself sprinting through the house, half-expecting to find them standing on top of the kitchen table. That's why I'll take hearing the same song on repeat for hours on end over silence any day of the week.

So, I admit that if my life was a movie I would be the person always looking around going, "It's quiet... too quiet." What's nice to know is that I am far from the only person who feels this way. (Crazy always enjoys company.) On a recent episode of "Top Gear" they revealed that even though it was possible to make cars that would change gears without the slightest indication several manufacturers has purposely left in transmissions which made their brand-new cars jolt ever so slightly while shifting because consumers found the motion and shifting sound reassuring in letting them know the car had done what it was supposed to. Basically, we all want our stuff to work, we just also need some way for that stuff to let us know it is working because for too many of us quiet = broken. I want you to remember that next time you complain about some machine being too loud as it does whatever action it has been tasked with: the alternative is just as uncomfortable and often ends up being more expensive.

Send Me A Sign

2012-02-01T18:08:00.000-05:00

I'm often wrong about fads and their cultural impact. The ones which I think are not going to last are still hanging around years later and the ones which I think will usher in a brand new way of thinking are gone before the end of the month. Billboards are a perfect example of this. I would have thought that with all the ways for marketers to get their advertisements directly to people, as well as being able to tailor them especially to the kind of audience they think would be interested in their product, the generic, throw-it-out-there-and-see-what-happens approach billboards take would have fallen to the wayside by now. But, not only are billboards still around, they are thriving. It is rare to drive by one these days which is blank because it has yet to be sold. In fact, with technology like digital billboards companies can sell the same space to multiple businesses and appear to have no trouble finding people to take them up on the offer. I may not understand it, but they are obviously effective.

With that being said, I do think a few companies would be well served to put a little more time into what they want their billboards to say. After all, unless it is located in a spot that usually has a lot of congestion, you need a message which is going to be processed by someone driving by at 60 mph. At the same time it needs to contain all the important information so that they know how to get in touch. So, it has to be succinct yet not leave anything important out, which can be a little bit of a balancing act. That was why I got so confused driving down the road the other day when I saw this on a billboard:

Be Smart. Be Healthy. Be Vegan.

Not a number to call to get more information or even a website to visit. There were no other words to let you know why this was a good idea or any of the science behind their reasoning. Hell, there wasn't even a hot vegan chick to catch my eye. Big green letters on a black background and that was it. Just three short sentences which convey all the reasons I don't like vegans: they think they are better than you. (It's the leading off with "be smart" that got me. As if by not making all the same choices as them you must be an idiot.) Nothing like acting superior to someone who didn't ask for your advice on their lifestyle as they drive by on their way to work.

While I can appreciate a direct approach, I guess I'm also confused as to who they think this billboard is going to convert. As a firmly-entrenched red-meat eater I've never even considered becoming a vegan, but I assume it is not an easy decision that one makes on a whim. You'd have to do a lot of research before making that kind of commitment. We're not talking about deciding whether or not to buy scratch tickets, which was the very next billboard on the street. I simply have a hard time picturing someone driving down the road, seeing the sign telling them they should be a vegan and just going, "You know what? They are absolutely right! As of this second, I am going vegan! Thank you, random roadside sign!" Of course that will never happen. Considering most people aren't even sure what the difference between vegan and vegetarian is to begin with, perhaps a little more clarification would be in order. The cost of the billboard is set, so it's not like you are paying by the word. An issue like this deserves at least a fourth sentence.

-Still, that billboard made a lot more sense than the sign I saw just a couple miles down the road when I came to an intersection. On three corners of the intersection were woods. On the fourth corner was a solitary bar, the only business within a several hundred yards of the light. It was a fairly modest place with a small parking lot just next to the building. Next to the parking lot was a sign which informed people that this was where they should park for the bar. As opposed to what? There was no where else to park and no where else you would be parking to go. It wasn't like you were going to annoy another business owner by parking your car in a lot which is supposed to be exclusively for their customers and then going to the bar, just like it wasn't possible for another business to take parking spaces away from the bar's customers. If you are the only store and the only parking lot for half a mile in any direction, where else would I be parking? My only guess is that they know the guy who makes the signs.

Just A Glimpse

2012-01-31T18:32:00.000-05:00

As some of you probably know, I'm firmly against the theory which states that if a movie becomes a cult classic or makes over a certain amount of money than a sequel must automatically be made. Some movies are just perfect enough they don't require any more details - no one is left wondering what happened to the characters or what happened next. However, movie studios rarely care about the actual movie, they just want to make more money and they want to make it now. As such, that sequel is getting made no matter what. If the original writer wants to work on something else they will find another writer to carve out a script and if the original star doesn't want to be involved they will find someone that looks enough like them to make it work or get someone younger and call it a prequel. Even though these moves usually scare a fair amount of people away they still make enough money to cover production costs. The profits won't be as great as the original, but they will still be profits. What I think those movie studios really need is a window into the future to see how these movies are going to turn out. A sample size, if you will. For the first time ever, we actually had that last week.

A few days ago a video clip surfaced on the internet. In the clip an amused-looking Matthew Broderick throws open the curtains and asks, "How could I possibly be expected to concentrate on work on a day like this?" Of course, that is an adaptation of his famous line from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" so naturally this got people buzzing that this clip might just be a teaser for a sequel to the 1986 hit. It wasn't until a few hours later that we learned it was just a snippet from a Honda commercial which will air during Sunday's Super Bowl. [Sidebar: Seriously, we're teasing the commercials now? As if every angle of this game hasn't already been examined enough.] Since then the entire three-minute commercial has become available online and having watched it, it's fine. It's not the best Super Bowl commercial in history, but it hits enough of the nostalgic moments from the movie to do the job. Normally I would be railing against one of my favorite movies in history being bastardized to sell a car I would probably never fit into, but not this time. Because what this commercial did, besides attempt to sell me a car, was show the whole world that there is absolutely no reason to make a Ferris Bueller, Part 2.

I've heard rumors about a script for a "Ferris" sequel floating around for years. It was going to take place a few years down the line and instead of high school Ferris was going to be ditching out of a day of work and then spending the day going on various adventures while simultaneously trying to avoid his boss. Not exactly "The Godfather II", but it might have been amusing if the script was well-written. For whatever reason it never got made and I think this commercial showed us that the time for a Ferris sequel has gone by. I'm not saying Matthew Broderick is a thousand years old, but he is officially too old to be ditching out of work to go on adventures. I mean, wouldn't a guy like Ferris Bueller be an executive by now? They don't need to make excuses to not show up for work - they just call in from the golf course. And you can't do a Ferris Bueller movie without Broderick, so getting someone else to play the part just wouldn't work (this is why the TV show based on the movie failed). What that leaves us with is a plot that would more likely involved Ferris Bueller, Jr's day off and the movie would end with a cameo from Broderick where he would deliver his lines with all the gusto of someone reading them off cue cards and appearing as if he only showed up because they promised to pay him in cash. (This is how we ended up with the dreck that was "Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.") There might have been a window to make a "Ferris Bueller" sequel, but that window closed about a decade ago.

I understand that I probably care more about some of these films than the people who were in them, because by this time they are so jaded by Hollywood that they don't even care. But the history of movies is littered with ill-advised sequels and I would really (maybe foolishly) like to think that if the people involved could have seen how they would turn out than they would have thought twice about putting the movies into production. (Honestly, was anyone proud of the way "Roadhouse 2" looked when it was finished? Because I certainly wasn't proud of myself for watching it.) My biggest fear is that this commercial will actually inspire someone to revisit the idea of a Ferris sequel. After all, it was a Super Bowl commercial which launched Betty White into a career resurgence at the age of 88. Ferris Bueller was trending on Twitter for a couple of days, mostly about how much people loved that movie. Well, I'm going to take it upon myself to let anyone who is thinking about it know that while the original is pretty much universally loved, I highly doubt people would be as enthralled by a sequel. They got it right the first time and if the commercial is an idea of what going back for seconds would look like then here's hoping they decide against it.

Not Very Subtle

2012-01-30T18:08:00.000-05:00

Whenever I find myself babysitting, I am comforted by the knowledge that my nieces are not yet old enough to be slick when it comes to scheming. Sure, they will try to deny that they were the ones who threw the food on the floor but it's pretty hard to stick to that story when you are the only one in the living room and the empty plate is still in your hand. The good news is that if my recent interactions with teenagers are any indication, I have another decade of being smarter than them to look forward to. You see, the mild winter has led to one unforeseen downside: a lot more teenagers hanging around outside all the time. You expect to deal with this when it is summer and they have no school to worry about, but usually you get a couple months off during the winter. However, it has been so warm lately that every Friday night I have to wade through them as they hang outside local stores. They are there because they want someone, anyone, to buy them something they aren't old enough to legally purchase themselves and what better way to get something you aren't supposed to have than by asking a total stranger to do you an illegal favor? (Like I said, not the brightest.) Not only was I not this kid in high school, I also avoided hanging out with this kid. But, that doesn't mean they don't amuse me.

I was heading into a gas station convenience store on Friday when I saw a pack of them hanging around the side of the store, in a group just large enough to attract attention. I mean, what could possibly be suspicious about 6 teenagers milling around in a tight circle, each one periodically whipping their head around to make sure no cops were coming? That is a look that screams, "everything over here is on the up-and-up!" If the acoustics in that parking lot had been better I would have sworn they were simply a choir in need of practice space. They looked to be around 14 or 15, which is typically the age for this kind of activity. You aren't old enough to drive around, so you walk to one place and stay there for the rest of the night, plus you haven't been in high school long enough to make friends with the seniors who have friends in college who will buy you beer, so you are forced to beg from strangers. Previously, we've also talked about how if you are trying to do something illegal the key is to not do it in an area that looks like the kind of place illegal activity takes place and specifically not the back of a gas station. Those kids are clearly not loyal readers of the blog.

Now, because just this kind of activity resulted in the death of a kid I went to school with when I was still in junior high I'm a little sensitive to this kind of thing and had they been trying to purchase beer I would have said something. But what this group wanted was cigars. (Again, doesn't feel like these criminal masterminds thought this all the way through. I would be fascinated to know what they planned to tell their parents at the end of the night, as cigars make you stink down to your bones.) They had already talked/bribed some older kid into doing the purchasing for them and by the time I had reached the counter the kid was in line right in front of me. After asking the clerk behind the counter for half a dozen cigars (as you do, because gas station cigars are obviously such high quality that you buy them in bulk), the kid was very proud to produce his ID, which led me to believe he was about 18 years and one day old. Given the level of scrutiny usually seen at gas stations I was impressed that the clerk even asked for an ID. That being said, I highly doubt he would have cared that these cigars were about to be handed to kids who were not old enough to buy them, which just makes the fact that these kids were trying to "hide" off on one side of the building all that more laughable.

But wait, I haven't gotten to the best part yet...

As I was pumping my gas I could see the kids off to the side, clearly very proud of what they had just pulled off. Honestly, I don't think the crew at the end of "Ocean's 11" was this pumped about their heist. As such, they were being really loud, as they were apparently unaware that sounds travels or that they could very easily still get in trouble for being underage. (I've stated many times that I would never want to be a cop because it must be a thankless job, but in that moment I would have given anything to have a badge. I think if I had gone over and told them I was a cop half the crew would have wet themselves.) However, I didn't need to do anything because as I was thinking about that, I heard the greatest thing ever: "Hey, does anyone have a lighter?" followed by 10 seconds of dead silence. Yeah, apparently none of them remembered that it takes fire to light up a cigar. The joyous mood was immediately snuffed out. I almost laughed until I remembered a sobering thought: the kids of today are the leaders of tomorrow. We might be screwed.

Storms Above The Clouds

2012-01-29T16:27:00.000-05:00

Late in the week the planet was hit with a few solar storms. Apparently, these are just the first in a long line of storms that are expected to come Earth's way, as our solar system experiences what I can only assume is an El Nino-esque pattern in space. The storms don't do any damage to the planet - just create some very vibrate Northern Lights. Since I don't live where the Northern Lights can easily be viewed, I'll have to take the scientists word for it. I think this lack of obvious result is why our space and science programs are losing their momentum. Kids are raised on comic books where stuff falling from space grants super powers or have some other cool consequence. The reality is that things either burn up before they get here or they don't do anything cool once they arrive. It's a little bit of a let-down. I'm not saying that I want these solar storms to create a super-villain who tries to conquer the world - I'm just saying that if that were to happen I think next year's science fair would be much more well-attended.

Weekly Sporties

2012-01-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

-Apparently, this was the week for hockey players to throw little one-man protests. On Monday we had Tim Thomas and his White House boycott and just a day later we had Alexander Ovechkin saying that because he was suspended three games for an illegal hit in a game against Pittsburgh, he would be skipping the All-Star game. Now, I get that Ovechkin is annoyed with being suspended, especially since he wasn't even called for a penalty in the moment, so if he wanted to beg out of the game citing a mystery illness or injury with a wink and a nudge, no one would have said anything while at the same time acknowledging what was really going on. Instead he was quoted as saying, "My heart is not there. I got suspended, so why I have to go there [sic]?" I like how he started by saying it was because he just didn't feel like he would be putting out enough effort (you know, for the fans), but that lasted all of one second before he admitted it was because he got suspended. This kind of pouting is the hockey equivalent of taking your puck and going home. For the last couple of years hockey experts have been saying that the Capitals are the favorites to win the Stanley Cup, but the team keeps underachieved in the playoffs. Considering Ovechkin is supposed to be their best player and leader, I think we just got our answer as to why.

-Honestly, though, I'm thankful for hockey players throwing temper tantrums, because otherwise I don't know if I would have enough for the sporties. The Super Bowl isn't for another week, professional basketball players are dropping like flies due to the compressed scheduled and the NHL is at its All-Star break - it's a bit of a dead zone. Fortunately, the NFL is so tightly scripted I knew I would have some NFL coaching hires to talk about, because you know damn well the Commissioner's office wasn't going to let anyone get hired next week to distract from the game. I always like it when coaches get hired in the NFL because then we can play the game of guessing how many season they will last until they get fired. I have to be honest, with this crop I would take the under, no matter what the number is. It makes me laugh when NFL owners try to out-smart the competition, because all they end up doing is over-thinking and making the wrong choice. Most of the coaches hired this week are defensive guys who have never been head coaches before, because every owner is trying to find the next diamond in the rough while also bucking the current NFL trend of offenses running the show. It's not going to work. The simple truth is that these guys have never been head coaches at any level for a reason and a couple of them have only been coordinators for a year. It is one thing to try and find a hidden jewel, it is entirely different to try and pass a lump of coal off as a diamond. I'm going as record as saying at least 4 of the jobs which were open this year will be open again by 2014.

-I did forget to mention one thing that was going on during this lull period, but that was for a good reason. The Pro Bowl is on Sunday, but no one cares. At this point the Pro Bowl is a waste of everyone's time. The only players who play hard are the first-timers and even then "hard" is a relative term. Showing just how seriously they take it the NFL is going to set up a computer on the sidelines and allow players to Tweet during the game, which they are not allowed to do during regular games. While I appreciate what the NFL is trying to do, I think they are missing the point. No one follows an NFL player (or any professional athlete, for that matter) because they want their insight into the game. People follow them on the off chance they will screw up and Tweet out what was supposed to be a personal message (usually to a woman who is not their wife) to all their followers, then quickly follow that with the ever-popular "my account was hacked" excuse. Having players Tweet from the sidelines, most likely with an official from the League Office sitting over their shoulder checking what they are writing, defeats the purpose. The only things the players are going to Tweeting will be the basic, count-the-cliches statements we get in press conference. It takes on a feeling similar to throwing a party with chaperons - it removes all the danger and thus all the fun. The NFL does a lot right, but not everything and certainly not this.

-Personally I can't wait to get to the Super Bowl and not just because I think it is going to be a very good game. I just can't take the same stories over and over again. With so much time to kill between games every aspect has already been looked over a dozen times and will be looked over a dozen more by next Sunday. A perfect example are the daily updates on Patriots' tight end Rob Gronkowski's ankle. Now, Gronkowski will play in the Super Bowl: I know that, you know that, the Patriots know that and the Giants know that. But, because he was injured in the last game he will be on the injury report. The Patriots injury report has always been kind of tongue-in-cheek because Belichick obviously doesn't want his opponent to know if a guy is really hurt, so he just messes with people. Since the league forces him to put out a report, he'll do things like list everyone on the team as questionable just to be kind of a dick. And this week he had to put out an injury report even when the team had the day off. So Gronkowski was listed on the projected injury report. Meaning, "We didn't practice, but if we had, we don't think he would have been out there. You know, hypothetically." Alright, when you as a guy like Bill Belichick to make up a projected injury report you are just asking for trouble. Can we get to the game already? Please?

-The Winter X-Games kicked off this week, which means this is a fantastic time to remind people that I don't get the X-Games during any season. I can't even go all old-man-river on you because I never got the X-Games, even when I was in their target demographic. I think the problem is that I can't see the difference between the guy who comes in first and the guy who comes in fifth. Yes, the guy who wipes out loses, I get that. But what makes one guy so much better than the guy who came after him when they do all the same stuff? Now, because this is an ESPN creation they have to pretend it matters and have been giving it equal time as sports like basketball and hockey. They even included the scores on the crawl at the top of ESPN.com. While this was most likely intended to get people more interested, it just added to my confusion. For example, one guy won with a 95.33 next to his name. The next guy was at 82.66. I don't know what either of those numbers mean. Are they points? Judges totals? Times? You could tell me any of those answers and I would have to take your word for it, because I don't know. And, in what might be a sadder statement about my aging habits, I don't care enough to learn.

-While we're on the subject of sports that ESPN has invested so much time and money in to that they will never let them fade away, the Australian Open Tennis Tournament has been going on. Now, I will say this for the tournament: at least it is on in the middle of the night, so as to not block any good games from appearing on TV. There was also one other strange news item which happened during a Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal match. They were playing on Australia Day, which means midway through it a scheduled 10-minute firework display started going off near the stadium. The match was stopped while the celebration went on, but when it came back the fireworks had clearly rattled Federer, who lost the next 11 points in a row. Now, I'm always saying that it is impossible to defend golf as a real sport because they want total silence while they hit. Well, tennis wants that as well, but at least I've never heard of a golfer getting rattled because of some fireworks and a pause in the action. Hell, I remember a tournament in Florida a couple years ago where a golfer was in the middle of swinging as the space shuttle was landing nearby and the sonic boom went off. He held off on the swing, but completed it a minute later with no issues. That means I can officially call it: in the sports hierarchy, golfers are tougher than tennis players.

-Last weekend British adventurer Felicity Aston became the first woman to ski alone across Antarctica, making the journey is 59 days. She is also the first person to do it using all her own power, as the previous people used either kites or some machines to aid their journey. It is an amazing accomplishment of the human spirit. With that out of the way, this is the part where I get kind of snarky. First off, is this one of those world records which was only set because no one else thought it was necessary? For all we know it's not even all that hard, people just think it is too stupid to try. I mean, is this getting put into that same world record category as the guy who put the most snakes in his mouth? Secondly, she was the one who Tweeted out, "!!!Congratulations to the 1st female to traverse Antarctica SOLO. V proud." Apparently, grammar is optional when you are that cold. Also, I think most of you know how I feel about people who promote themselves this way. This Tweet feels a lot like the people who wish themselves Happy Birthday just so that people will Tweet it back to them. If you have to call attention to the fact that you just set a World Record, than I would say it probably wasn't worth doing in the first place.

Memory Mix-Up

2012-01-27T17:08:00.001-05:00

A few years ago I got a sweet G.I. Joe t-shirt for Christmas. Those of you who know me know how much I love G.I. Joe because it takes me back to my youth, when I had enough of the toys to invade a small country. As such, you can imagine my dismay when after wearing the shirt just a few times I noticed a small hole in it. The hole occurred where all the holes in my shirts seem to form: under the armpit where the sleeve meets the shirt on the right side. Always the right side. I assume this is because I am right-handed, but that might be the dumbest reason for a shirt to wear out ever. Now, this certainly wasn't enough for me to get rid of it but I decided I had to be careful about when I was going to wear it and the shirt was subsequently buried at the back of one of my drawers. (Looking back this logic is rather stupid, as it is a G.I. Joe t-shirt. What formal occasion would it be ok to wear a G.I. Joe t-shirt, but only as long as it was hole-free? It is not like I could wear it to a job interview, hole or not. I should have been wearing it this entire time, but simply conscious to not reach for high things (which would have been the case anyway as the shirt is not long enough.))

During the last couple of months I have gotten rather proficient about sewing these kinds of holes shut. Like I said, a number of my shirts seem to develop this problem, so it was either get better at fixing them or go on a shopping spree. Since I don't want to replace a chunk of my wardrobe, repair seemed like the better alternative. My sewing work might not look the best, but it gets the job done. Besides, the only way people notice is if they are right up next to me and close enough to get a good look and I don't know why anyone needs to be that close to my armpit. So, I was repairing another shirt the other night when I finally remembered that I had been planning to fix this G.I. Joe shirt for years and it just had a habit of slipping my mind. But, I was finally at the point where I had the tools in my hand and idea in my mind at the same time, so I pulled the shirt out, ready to get to work at sewing the hole closed. There was just one small problem with my plan: there was no hole in the shirt.

At first I thought that I must have just gotten the location wrong. But, I went over this shirt from top to bottom and didn't find a single rip or fray. In fact, because of how infrequently I have worn it for the last couple of years, it is actually in better shape than the majority of the t-shirts I wear on a regular basis. The only place this short looks worn out is the logo, which is supposed to look worn out to give it that "vintage without actually being vintage, because why would a 10 year-old own a shirt this size?" look. I have no idea how it happened, but I must have been wearing another shirt and simply gotten the two mixed up in my head. I can only assume that I have a shirt which looks very similar and mentally switched them. Either that or I have had this problem with so many of my shirts that I started to assume every one of my shirts needed to get repaired. (I realize this makes me sound like I'm walking around wearing nothing but shredded t-shirts, but I assure you that is not the case. It's like one out of every 20 and only the ones I have had for years, but like too much to get rid of.) The point is that I had been avoiding wearing this shirt for no good reason.

The comforting part is that this kind of mental mix-up is hardly exclusive to me. It is actually very common for people to become convinced in their mind that a wrong is totally right and once that happens there is no changing their thinking. The famous sports example happened when Danny Ainge got into a fight with Tree Rollins during a game and Tree bit Ainge. But, because Danny had a reputation as an annoying defender and was the one who got ejected from the game, over time the narrative switch in enough people's minds to the point history became convinced the roles were reversed and it was Danny who bit Tree. However, this kind of switch can happen in every walk of life. I mean, how many people in this world mess up song lyrics and then over time become convinced they are 100% correct about how the song goes? (There are some people who will go to their graves singing "I see a radio and I want to paint it black." At least I am not that bad.) Instead I'm going to look at this like I just got a new shirt all over again. All's well that ends well. Except for one thing: I obviously have another shirt with a hole in it, but now have no idea which one.

The Celebrity Protest

2012-01-26T18:49:00.000-05:00

You can tell that a sports story has taken that next leap to "actual" news story when it last for more than three days. You see, sports stories never hang around that long because there is always another game to play, another coach getting fired or another player switching teams to distract the media. Nothing stays important for very long when it comes to sports, so the fact that it is Thursday and people still want to talk about Tim Thomas shows that this particular story seems to have moved to that next level. For those of you unfamiliar, on Monday the Boston Bruins made the traditional champions trip to the White House. The only player still on the Bruins who opted out was Thomas, one of only two Americans on the team and the MVP of the Finals. At the time the Bruins tried to act as though it was no big deal and said they would address it later. Thomas later released a statement through his Facebook page saying that it was nothing personal and had nothing to do with party lines, but he feels as though government as a whole is getting out of hand and this was just him standing up for what he believes in. It's his right, but I gotta tell you, he didn't handle this particularly well.

Now, I don't care about Thomas's politics, because I don't care about any celebrity's political leanings. In fact, I hate when celebrities involve themselves in politics. If you plan to vote for someone because a celebrity told you to then, frankly, I would rather you stay home on election day. Honestly, musicians and actors are usually some of the least-educated people on the planet. They have a lot of other talents, but most of them barely finished high school while pursuing that career, so if it is all the same to you I'd rather do my own research and form my own opinion. (I'll just say this - I do find it rather convenient that the people who often seem to be the most politically active are also the ones who have the most well-off financially. It's really easy to be political when you have nothing to do most days.) Look, the bottom line is that the rest of the world is just too busy trying to make money and pay the bills to kick off for the day to make signs and go to a rally. I would love to care, but I have an actual life to lead.

All that being said, I don't believe Thomas for a second when he says he doesn't lean either way politically. He once said his favorite show is Glenn Beck, so something tells me if a Republican was in office he would be there. I think it is a very sad state of affairs when people don't even feel as though they can stand to be in the same room as people they don't agree with, but I'll still respect you more if you just come right out and are at least honest about your reasons. The unfortunate part is I think Thomas was the only one who really got hurt, because how often does he think he's going to get this chance? Even if you don't like the guy, I bet it would be really cool to meet the President of the United States. I mean, it is not like President Obama was asking Thomas to sign any kind of legal document saying he would vote for him in the next election, he just wanted to celebrate the Bruins victory. It should also be noted that my feelings aren't exclusive to Thomas in this case - that is how I would feel if someone who was a Democrat didn't want to visit the White House because a Republican was in office. It's a stupid, dickish, empty gesture, but one everyone is entitled to make.

What makes me happy is that it seems like most people in Boston agree with me. Sure, the talking heads on local sports talk radio are up in arms, but they get paid to be up in arms and it's a slow news cycle with the Super Bowl not for another week and a half - they will jump on any controversy they can find. And of course other politicians are going to be annoyed, because they have such an inflated ego they think people give a crap if they get stood-up. After all, I believe it was former President Clinton who famously compared sports and politics by saying, "in both you have to be smart enough to know the rules and dumb enough to think they matter." Not to mention, Thomas is hardly the only Boston athlete to skip a White House visit. Manny Ramirez didn't go after the Red Sox won in 2007 and Larry Bird famously skipped a visit when the Celtics won the title years ago. Therefore, the rest of the city seems perfectly content to let Thomas go on his little one-man protest.

Where Thomas messed up in a lot of people's eyes was in releasing his statement. Allegedly the Bruins asked Thomas to hold off until after their visit to release his reasons so they wouldn't be asked about it all day long. What Thomas did instead was release a statement saying he would be releasing a statement, meaning that everyone now wanted to know if the team knew what the statement was going to be. Reports are that this really bothered a lot of his teammates, who wanted this day to be about one last hurrah for their Stanley Cup run and instead had to talk about Thomas's political leanings. Considering half of them weren't born here and probably can't vote, I can imagine how annoying that would be. Now, most hockey players that I have interacted with seem very non-political so I doubt this will divide the Bruins locker room, but it won't help. And with Thomas about to be a free agent, getting up there in age and the Bruins already looking to the future with 24 year-old Tuukka Rask, this could be just the kind of thing that makes transitioning Thomas out the door that much easier.

I always say that when it comes to athletes, at some point any off-field distractions will start to out-weigh the on-field contributions. You have to wonder if Thomas just sped up his own exit from the team. I mean, we're already getting "anonymous sources" saying how annoying his actions on Monday were to the team. Thomas had already begun the beginning of his end with the Bruins, but I have to say if pissing off your teammates by refusing to go to a party leads him out the door, it will be one of the stranger exits in sports history. Still, there is no quicker way to alienate yourself from a crowd than to bring politics into a non-political environment. It's not like it was an effective protest, either. Considering what I'm sure the President normally deals with this was probably the least-insulting that that happened to him that day. All Thomas did was hijack what was supposed to be a day about what he and his teammates accomplished and made it about himself. To me, that was far more damaging than any political statement he could have made.

Commercial Break-Down

2012-01-25T19:14:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to the commercial break-down. For those of you who might be new, this is where I take a commercial and pick it apart. Now, more likely than not I found this commercial amusing the first time I saw it. But because I primarily like to watch sports and sports tend to have more commercial breaks than anticipated towards the end, thereby necessitating playing the same commercials more often, at this point I have officially seen it too many times. And because familiarity breeds contempt, now I'm starting to see details which annoy me. As such, the only thing left to do is break the commercial down, "Mystery Science Theater" style. Before we begin, the commercial in question: it is one of those DirecTV ads which takes mundane circumstances to ridiculous conclusions. You'll see what I mean.

Now, onto the breakdown:

:02 That is clearly not his kid, let's get that out of the way early. I get that you want probably don't want to kill yourself doing a lot of casting for a two-second shot, but it does show a lack of commitment to the details. Also, kids hit stuff whether they watch their parents do it or not. Commercial premise busted already, but we'll continue.

:08 I think at this point in time the only way to get expelled from school is to bring a weapon in. Even then parents and lawyers would be up in arms about how this is the failing of the system and not the child's fault (I've seen "Lean on Me" many times), so it is unlikely she would actually get expelled. Also, I know nothing about being a teacher, but I've been led to believe it pretty much sucks from sun up to sun down until the day you retire. If you are pushing to expel a kid from school just for knocking your lunch down on purpose you are probably too sensitive to have that job.

:10 Who the hell still hangs out at the arcade? And a leather jacket with studs? What year was this commercial made, 1982? If you are hanging out in an arcade or have hair that poofy you aren't tough, you have read all the "Twilight" books. Twice. And you cried.

:14 Wouldn't think a couple of crazy Goth kids would be into marriage, instead raging against it being part of the 'establishment'. Also, the "undesirable" is wearing skinny tights. Again, he is officially not tough. Plus, everyone looks very well-dressed in this shot. Shouldn't his side of the family be more leathered?

:19 A dog collar? Really? Again, was this commercial based off biker gangs from the "Police Academy" movies? Also, grandparents have a way of influencing their kids on how to dress their grandkids without actually being there to put clothes on the kid (it's like watching a Jedi mind trick in real life), so I'm sure this guy will figure it out before the kid's first birthday.

:22 Ok, this commercial clearly was meant to take place over a period of about 16 years. Yet, everything in the house, including the television on the wall, is exactly the same. (Again, showing a real lack of attention to details.) You haven't gotten a new TV or even painted the kitchen in all that time? No wonder the daughter turned out messed up, because she obviously has super-lazy parents.

:24 I'm sure this is the point where my father would point out that even though she was expelled from school and married what I can only assume is the lead singer of a WhiteSnake cover band, at least she got the sequence correct. He is always saying how it should be married, then children. Her parents might not have gotten much right, but at least that lesson slipped through.

:26 Yes, satellite TV is much cheaper than cable. It also cuts out when it so much as rains. That has nothing to do with the rest of the commercial I just thought you might want to know that. You're welcome.

My Oscar Predictions

2012-01-24T19:03:00.001-05:00

Sure, the award ceremony isn't for a another month but I'm likely to forget about doing this if I don't get to it now. Better to get my predictions out of the way than think of it that Sunday morning. Besides, when it comes to awards show predictions (as with Hall of Fame voting) your first instincts are usually the right ones - no need to agonize over the decision. Much like the people voting, I won't let a little thing like not having seen all the movies get in the way of my offering up opinions about them. Also, keep in mind this is not who I would pick, just who I think will win.

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
"The Descendants," Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
"Hugo," John Logan
"The Ides of March," George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
"Moneyball," Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy," Screenplay by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan

Winner: "The Descendants"
Almost went with "Moneyball" given how much people love movies adapted from Michael Lewis books and screenplays written by Aaron Sorkin. That combo feels almost unbeatable. However, I feel like this is one of those years where "The Descendants" would clean up if it wasn't for "The Artist". They aren't going to give it best picture, so they'll give it every award that doesn't have the other movie in the running.

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
"The Artist," Michel Hazanavicius
"Bridesmaids," Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
"Margin Call," J.C. Chandor
"Midnight in Paris," Woody Allen
"A Separation," Asghar Farhadi

Winner: "Bridesmaids"
Look, I refuse to think people are so silly as to give a silent movie an award for writing. Hollywood is dumb, but they aren't that dumb. Besides, this gives the voters a chance to pat themselves on the back for giving an award to women. Nothing makes Hollywood happier than having a chance to act as though they should be praised for being progressive, even though their tone about it makes the entire thing seem rather condescending. Yes, you actually gave it to the most deserving person regardless of gender or race. If this was the 1950s you could all be very proud of yourself.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
"A Cat in Paris," Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
"Chico & Rita," Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
"Kung Fu Panda 2," Jennifer Yuh Nelson
"Puss in Boots," Chris Miller
"Rango," Gore Verbinski

Winner: "Puss in Boots"
Oof, this category sucks. I've never even heard of two of these movies. Let's just move on.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Bérénice Bejo, "The Artist"
Jessica Chastain, "The Help"
Melissa McCarthy, "Bridesmaids"
Janet McTeer, "Albert Nobbs"
Octavia Spencer, "The Help"

Winner: Octavia Spencer
See? Here we go again. "We gave an award to a black woman. We've only done that five times in history. Everyone, look how liberal we are!" This will lead to many stories about how this is an historic night for women in film as if women making movies is somehow a novelty. At least I can watch with amusement as all the women in my life heads collectively explode.

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh, "My Week with Marilyn"
Jonah Hill, "Moneyball"
Nick Nolte, "Warrior"
Christopher Plummer, "Beginners"
Max von Sydow, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Winner: Jonah Hill
Ok, this pick is more just what I really want to happen. I just want the kid who we all first saw as an angry EBay customer in "40 Year-Old Virgin" to be an Oscar winner. I always knew he was bound for greatness. But, I'm sure it will go to Christopher Plummer for a movie 8 people saw.

LEAD ACTRESS
Glenn Close, "Albert Nobbs"
Viola Davis, "The Help"
Rooney Mara, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady"
Michelle Williams, "My Week With Marilyn"

Winner: Meryl Streep
I mean, why do they even pretend this is an actual category anymore? If Meryl Streep puts out anything in the calendar year she is getting nominated for an Oscar, regardless of the project. You put her in a biopic about a controversial figure? That race is over before it started. The only way this goes to another actress is if people thinks she gets nominated too much (this is her 17th nomination) to vote for her, like when Karl Malone won NBA MVP over Jordan.

LEAD ACTOR
Demián Bichir, "A Better Life"
George Clooney, "The Descendants"
Jean Dujardin, "The Artist"
Gary Oldman, "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy "
Brad Pitt, "Moneyball"

Winner: Jean Dujardin
I'm not planning to see "The Artist" but everyone keeps saying it is pretty good. And, if you can carry an entire movie without saying a word, you have to be very good at what you do.

BEST DIRECTOR
Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist"
Alexander Payne, "The Descendants"
Martin Scorsese, "Hugo"
Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris"
Terrence Malick, "The Tree of Life"

Winner: Michel Hazanavicius
Again, "The Artist" is winning the night. But, at least you can justify this one because it's a very delicate balancing act to get people to act in a silent movie without over-acting. I figure that takes talent. Besides, like I'm not going to pick the half-Lithuanian guy?

BEST PICTURE
"The Artist," Thomas Langmann, producer
"The Descendants," Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, producers
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close," Scott Rudin, producer
"The Help," Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, producers
"Hugo," Graham King and Martin Scorsese, producers
"Midnight in Paris," Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, producers
"Moneyball," Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, producers
"The Tree of Life," Nominees to be determined
"War Horse," Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, producers

Winner: "The Artist"
Some years there is just a critical juggernaut that everyone else is powerless to stop. And while award shows never seem to want to reward the popcorn-blockbusters that everyone likes and which make a ton of money, they are very quick to give statues to the movies which are seen as plucky, critically-acclaimed underdogs. I guess that telling themselves it is about the best product and not about which movie made the most money is how they can sleep at night after going to a show where the women wear dresses worth thousands of dollars and the gift basket has more electronics in it than most people could afford to buy with a month's salary. Also, let's be honest, it is not like this is a very strong field. Years like this make you wonder why they felt the need to expand to 10 movies for this category, when they could only come up with 9 movies to nominate. Frankly, not a good year for movies. They should go back and retroactively give the Oscar to "Saving Private Ryan" to right the wrong.

So, those are my best guesses. The show is at the end of February if you feel like checking back to see how I did. I'll be honest, I'll likely forget to watch the show that night, as there is a Celtics game at the same time. (It's against the Raptors. They might actually win.) Just another reason I had to get these done now.

Guess Who Died!

2012-01-23T18:39:00.000-05:00

Someday, someone is going to have to explain to me why people love to tell their friends which celebrity just died. I don't know why it is, but people can not wait to shoot you a text that someone famous has passed away. I mean, it's not like they knew that person or their family. Half the time people don't even actually care, because it is not like this news will effect their life in any way - they just want you to know. (Before we go any further please don't think I'm writing this from the moral high ground. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. But, they say the first step to conquering a bad habit is admitting that you have it.) At first I thought this was just an Irish trait, because they seem to read the obituaries like a racing form and have the unofficial motto of "he who goes to the most wakes wins". However, as I have gotten older I have discovered it is pretty much universal. Wanting to spread the news about someone famous dying is apparently as common as breathing. I guess this is the reason fake celebrity death rumors are always so popular on the internet. I'm not saying people want it to be true but, just in case it is, they want to make sure you heard it from them.

I was reminded of this over the weekend with the passing of Penn State coach Joe Paterno. People practically had a countdown going as soon as news came out late Saturday night that he was in failing health. A couple stations even jumped the gun and said he was dead before he had actually passed. So when the family did finally confirm that he had died it was like releasing the hounds. News crews were out in force on campus as everyone fought for the best camera angle in front of the Paterno statue by the stadium. Twitter was exploding with people sending out condolences to the family and other people getting on their high horse about how this was the moment we should be thinking about the victims of the sex scandal. [Sidebar: What caught my eye was that no one seemed to be mentioning the fact that Joe Paterno pretty much predicted this exact thing was going to happen. He said years ago that he was afraid to retire because he wouldn't know what else to do with his life and he'd just die. Much like those couple that are married for 65 years and pass away within a couple weeks of one another, he just wasn't sure what he was going to do when he wasn't the head coach at Penn State anymore.] Even with two conference championships that afternoon, it was all anyone on ESPN was talking about Sunday morning.

The news stations really are the worst at this kind of event. Half the time they are practically giddy when a celebrity passes away. I have to admit, I can sort of understand it from the newscaster's point of view. I mean, this is their moment. Every journalism student worth their salt has seen that famous clip of Walter Cronkite stoically delivering the news that President Kennedy had been killed and wondered if they would have been able to handle such big news as professionally. Believe me when I tell you, no one in television worries about delivering a story about a bag of kittens being successfully rescued from a tree with the correct tone, but everyone who has ever taken a television class has practiced their "somber" voice on many occasions. It can be hard to get it just right and it can be a big moment in a career. The simple truth is that the clips about bad news are always the ones that live in history. And from a producing standpoint celebrity deaths are appreciated (especially the anticipated ones) because they essentially translate to a day off, as producers can just roll out the montage about the person's life that has been in the can for months on end.

I wish I could say that people's morbid fascination with spreading the word about death was just their way to remind the rest of us that life is short and we should be living the time we have to the fullest. I just don't think that's the reason. I think it goes more to the more raw human condition that gets joy out of telling your friends, "I know something you don't know!" People love to let other people know how informed they are, even when it is about something like this. I mean, the entire pub trivia industry is based around the enjoyment people get from letting a group of total strangers see just how much useless trivia they have retained in their lives. That's why I know it's unrealistic to ask people to back away from the habit of letting other people know who died, so instead I'm just going to suggest we all try to do it with a little less glee in our voices.

A Sunday Kind Of Interlude

2012-01-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

Any time music loses a legend, it's a pretty easy guess who the musical interlude is going to be. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that we're going with a little Etta James this week. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy for you and pick her biggest hit. Anyone could use "At Last" - the trick is digging a little deeper into the catalog. Besides, sometimes I feel like artists like Etta James who were big before MTV can get swallowed up by the one hit they are best known for by later generations and that is too bad. I mean, just listen to this track. No one does this kind of singing anymore. Not that I want to go all old-man on you, but these days it's remixes and auto-tunes. Even when someone has a great voice you question whether it is actually them or the work of some guy in a studio making it sound much better than it really is. I appreciate a great, natural voice and that is what Etta James had. Enjoy.

Weekly Sporties

2012-01-21T13:19:00.000-05:00

-It is not uncommon to find out that baseball players who have been drafted out of a poor country have false information in their background. These guys come from such bad situations that they are willing to lie about their age to make sure they get signed. After all, an 18 year-old with a 100 mph fastball but who can't hit the corners is seen as a diamond in the rough. A 23 year-old with the same attributes is seen as someone who probably has control issues that make him not worth the effort of trying to fix his mechanics. Still, it is rare that they take it the additional step of changing information beyond their date of birth. But, this week we learned that is the situation surrounding the Cleveland Indians' pitcher Fausto Carmona. Turns out his real name is apparently Roberto Hernandez Heredia and he's 31, three years older than everyone thought he was. Now, whatever you think of him changing his age, I wonder why he changed his name. Roberto is so much easier than Fausto. I get sick of spelling Rakauskas for people, can you imagine if every time you fill out a form you have to tell the person on the other end of the line how to spell your first and last names when they aren't even your real names? That would drive me crazy. You had to think after a couple years he wished he had given himself an easier fake name. And how did he not accidentally call himself by his correct name even once? When I was working in radio I used to do traffic reports under a fake name because I was on two stations in the same area, and I would slip up at least once a week (shocker my radio career didn't last). I'm sure the Indians are pissed that he lied to them, but at least they know he can keep a secret.

-Speaking of guys where it will probably turn out they are older than we currently think, this week the Texas Rangers signed Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish to a 6-year contract. Between his contract and the negotiation fee the Rangers now owe Darvish's Japanese league team, it is the richest MLB contract ever signed by a Japanese pitcher. Now, the Rangers and Darvish's agents had 30 days to work this deal out and they got it done on the very last day possible, just before the deadline. Here's my thing about baseball negotiations: they always get it done on the very last day possible. Draft picks never sign until the day they are about to go back into the draft pool and guys on the trading block never move until last day they can be traded. So, here's my suggestion to Major League Baseball (and really, all professional sports) - move up the deadlines. I know that contracts are complicated legal agreements and I'm not saying it is going to get done in an hour, but I don't think these guys even start talking until there is only a week left. What do you need 30 days for? It's not the amount of time, it's being up against a deadline that motivates them to get back to the bargaining table. From now on, tell them they have a week to get deals signed. My guess is just as many contracts still get done, only now people aren't left twisting in the wind for a month.

-While we're on the subject of never-ending negotiations, the Red Sox and Cubs still haven't agreed on compensation for general manager Theo Epstein. When Theo left three months ago both sides said they wanted to get this over with, but the deal needed to be fair. Well, this week they turned to Commissioner Bud Selig to determine what constitutes fair, saying they were at an impasse. Complicating this is that Epstein is negotiating for the Cubs, which means he knows just what the Red Sox want and since he left on not-great terms he appears to want to squeeze them to make sure they don't get it. Since both sides appear to have dug in their heels, the teams are going to leave it up to the Commissioner to figure out a deal and hope to have it done by the end of next week. I don't know what the Sox are going to end up with (and I'm pretty sure I don't care), but I'll just be glad to have this whole thing over with once and for all. Also, if I were the Cubs and I needed to find a third team to make a deal work I would not call the Red Sox, because it certainly doesn't appear like they are going to make things easier for Theo in his new job. Way to keep it civil, boys.

-I have stated many times that I do not get the NFL's obsession with trying to make Europe embrace American football. They tried to have an entire developmental league over there and it was soundly rejected by the masses, but the NFL continues on undeterred (not unlike a stalker). First they added a yearly game in London. While the game is well-attended it does seem the crowd only shows up for the experience and not the actual game, as pretty much every NFL team is represented by a few fans in the crowd. Well, the new plan to force football down their throats is to give them the same team for a few years in a row and try to make the crowd root for them as the "home" squad. It might have been a good idea if they picked a quality team but the NFL went with the St. Louis Rams, who have won 10 games in three years. Yeah, that'll convert people. They were picked mostly because their owner, Stan Kroenke also owns the Arsenal football team. Apparently, no one told the NFL that the only thing all Premier League fans can agree on is that they hate Americans owning their clubs. Not to mention this just angers St. Louis fans who are losing one home game a year for the next three years (the good news, though, is they still get to pay full-price for two preseason games!). Seriously, they don't want our football and we don't want their soccer. Someone needs to tell Roger Goodell that friends don't always have to like all the same stuff. Let's just agree on this and move on.

-In one of the most expected stories ever, it was revealed that during the Broncos loss to the Patriots Tim Tebow played almost the entire second half with torn cartilage around his ribs, a bruised lung and a build-up of fluid in his chest. Tebow has been a media darling for a while, so a report about him playing hurt (thus creating an excuse as to why he played to poorly) was bound to surface sooner rather than later. The people who support Tim view this as proof of what a tough player and leader he is. That is certainly one way to look at it. But, for the realists in the crowd, it is seen as the first of what could be several issues. You see, Tebow plays like a battering ram. While that is admirable and everything you could want in a running back, it's not a great thing for quarterbacks to be putting their body through. Just ask Philadelphia how great it was when Michael Vick was knocked out for several weeks this season due to his style as a running quarterback. If anything, this could show the Broncos how necessary it is to make sure they have a more traditional player at the position. Heart is great, but heart doesn't do the team much good when it lands the starting quarterback on the sidelines with his arm in a sling.

-If anyone saw the value of keeping a competent backup on the roster this year, it was the Indianapolis Colts. Once Peyton Manning went down that team suffered a collapse of epic proportions. Unfortunately for Colts fans it appears that Manning could be done for good, as actor Ron Lowe tweeted out that he has heard Manning's neck injury will force him to retire. Now, I know it sounds random, but the former "West Wing" actor and Manning share an agency group and Lowe and the Colts owner do know each other, so there could be some credibility to this. Of course, that didn't stop the certified members of the "football insiders" from dismissing the report out of hand, even going so far as to take a couple of pot shots at the actor. This, of course, makes me want this report to be true. I can't stand it when media people somehow act as though what they do takes years of training and a skill set that normal people simply couldn't handle. All these 'insiders' really are the same people who talked about everyone behind their backs in high school. They hear rumors about one person and then tell other people that rumor in exchange for another rumor. It's a bad habit that they have somehow turned it into a career. Please stop acting as though your job couldn't be done by a group of 15 year-old girls with a cell phone and an unlimited texting plan.

-Of course I have to admit the football reporters may be right to dismiss Lowe's Tweet, because it is not like celebrity reporting has been great as of late. Just a couple of months ago music producer Jurmaine Dupri said on his Twitter feed that Dwight Howard was being traded to the Nets within 48 hours. Since Dupri has worked with Jay-Z, who owns a small part of the Nets, people took this report seriously. As anyone who follows basketball knows, those 48 hours have long since passed and Howard remains as a member of the Orlando Magic. The thing is no one knows for how much longer, as this week it was reported Howard expanded the list of teams he would be willing to accept going to in a trade to include the Los Angeles Clippers. Shocking, considering last year Howard wouldn't have gone to the Clippers if they offered him ownership of the team in exchange. (It's amazing what getting a second All-Star on your roster can do for your image.) Dwight Howard drives me crazy, because he is the poster child for everything I don't like about the current NBA stars. He wants to be traded and abandon his current organization, but also demands to be in control of where he lands, essentially killing the Magic's chances of getting the best deal. He wants to go somewhere that he would have several good players around him so he doesn't have to do everything himself, but also wants to be paid like a player who could win a championship by himself (even though he has proven that he can't). He shouldn't be able to get everything he wants, because he is not that special of a player. Again, wasn't the point of the lockout to keep this from happening?

An Open Letter

2012-01-20T18:52:00.000-05:00

So, for the first time this winter (I'm not counting the freak Halloween storm) the Boston area got some actual snowfall. Previously all we had been hit with was the light kind of snow that only stuck on grassy surfaces or if it did stick to the pavement it would quickly turn to slush and melt away by the afternoon. But, this morning I was woken up by my neighbor's snowblower going off at a stupidly early hour because we had three whole inches of fluffy snow on the ground. Normally three inches of snow isn't even worth shoveling (that's why I didn't), but this guy was chomping at the bit to get out and clear it away. He was not the only annoying person this weather brought out. Additionally it brought out a group of people who we (fortunately) only have to deal with for a couple of months: the people who have lived here for years and yet still complain about snow. Every year they come out of the woodwork after the first snow to talk about how much they hate this weather and want to move to Florida. As you can imagine, the fact that we are allegedly getting more snow this weekend is really bad news to them. So, I thought I would write them an open letter.

Dear Snow Complainers:

Shut up. Seriously. Shut the hell up.

Do you people not realize how easy we have had it this year? Have you already forgotten about last year, when we got a fresh foot of snow every week? This winter has been a breeze and all you are doing is jinxing us by complaining about the small amount of snow we are getting this weekend. If we had been offered this winter last January we would have signed off on it in a heartbeat, so don't get greedy now. Just be happy that it is January 20th and we are just getting around to pulling out the shovels. You've had more than enough time to get your Christmas lights in and winterize your house. If you haven't done it by now than you were never getting around to it, so stop pretending like you were planning to take care of all this stuff Saturday morning and the snow is suddenly throwing a wrench into your carefully thought-out agenda. Also, quit acting as though you are the only one who is dealing with the snow. In case you hadn't noticed, we are all walking in the same stuff. I know I certainly don't have boots that allow me to magically avoid it. We're all in this together and you don't have it any better or worse than the people around you.

I heard some of you complaining because you, "were really hoping to make it through the winter without any snow." Well, I would like to date any one of a dozen famous actresses. But I have accepted that none of those are going to happen and neither is making it through a winter without getting at least a small amount of snow because I live in the real world. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it even occasionally snows in your precious Florida. So unless you pack up and move to Brazil, you are never going to have a completely snow-free winter. Just be happy when it is a light season like we have this year. We are currently on pace for the 7th lowest snow total in history. If that isn't going to be good enough for you that you must be one of those Tiger Moms everyone was flipping out about last year. And let's not forget, this is New England, where a few businesses rely on snow to make money. Sure, you could question the wisdom of owning a business which revolves around something you will never have control over but that doesn't mean you should be wishing ill will upon them. That's just asking for a karmic kick in the pants.

Look, I get where you are coming from. There are plenty of things you can find annoying about snow. Once Christmas has come and gone it can feel a little bit redundant. Plus, it's not fun to walk around with wet socks, deal with parking spaces which have been made narrower by snow piles or constantly having to clean road salt off your vehicle. Not to mention it is not like adults get snow days like kids do. But, that comes with the territory. You never appreciate a truly great summer day until you have suffered through a really cold winter morning. It is all about keeping those sunny afternoons in your mind as you step into a snowbank that is higher than the top of your boot and you feel the cold water slide down the back of your leg. That can be hard to do, but it will make it easier to survive the rest of the season. So, I get that you're bummed out. However, it doesn't mean I want to hear about it. Seriously, your negativity is bringing the entire room down, so knock it off.

Sincerely,

The Editorial Staff of Rakauskas's Ramblings.

Fill In The Gap

2012-01-19T18:52:00.000-05:00

It's perfectly normal for people to have information gaps in their lives. I firmly believe there are legitimate reasons for some people to not know about certain subject matters and that's just fine. Honestly, unless you are a history major or studying to be on a game show, why would you need to retain details concerning a battle from nearly one thousand years ago? The answer is that you wouldn't. People have enough on their minds without retaining useless facts. As long as you know about the things that come in to play in your everyday life than you will be just fine. Sure, it would be better for society as a whole if we all knew a lot of information about a lot of diverse subjects, but that is hardly realistic. I think we can do just fine with people only knowing about a specific topic, so long as they know it cold. That's why you are never going to see me complain about people not knowing about stuff only I care about. However, there are two kinds of people associated with information gaps that I can not stand.

The first are the people who want to make fun of other people for their gaps. "What do you mean you don't know who fought in the battle of Hastings?" they will say in that so-condescending-the-police-would-probably-not-arrest-you-for-assault-if-you-punched-them-and-the-cops-heard-it tone. Actually, I don't know much about it because it turns out that doesn't up too often in normal life. I think the reason this annoys me so much is because you know those condescending jerks have their gaps just like everyone else, but you don't see the rest of us being dicks about it to them. It's common courtesy. I would love to ask some of these people if they could do something outside their comfort zone, but for some reason no one ever calls them on it. I would probably wet myself laughing if I ever saw some history buff trying to belittle another person for not being able to name the Presidents and their Vice Presidents in order, only to be asked to build a cabinet from IKEA without ending up with spare parts. Let's see how useful your memorization skills are in that situation.

But, the people who annoy me even more are the people who are actually proud of their gaps when they really shouldn't be. "Oh, I don't know anything about that kind of stuff!" they tell you gleefully. Well, occasionally additional responsibilities are added to people's lives and it turns out it's suddenly your job to know about this kind of thing, so having that gap is actually really bad. In sports the two most famous examples of people who are proud of their lack of knowledge about certain subjects are Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan. When "Moneyball" first came out and was a best seller, people thought it was going to change the way baseball teams were put together. Well, old-schoolers like McCarver were having none of it, saying baseball was just fine the way it was and they didn't need Billy Beane's book. While he might not agree with what was in the book, McCarver should have at least known the book was written by Michael Lewis and not Billy Beane. Of course, he couldn't even bother to know that because he didn't need to read the book to know it was stupid. And when Bill James released his book about using modern statistics to redefine how baseball teams were managed, Joe Morgan slammed the book while proudly saying he would never read it. That's alright, Joe, it's just your job to be up on this kind of thing. Why should you be expected to do preparation work, especially when it involves reading, something only the nerds do? (There is a reason everyone was thrilled when Morgan was fired from Sunday Night Baseball by ESPN.)

I couldn't help but think about those two morons last night as I watched this clip from The Daily Show. In it Congressmen are discussing SOPA and laughing about how much they really don't know about technology. Yeah, well, you're the people in charge of passing stuff like this, so maybe it's time you sat down and read a book. Also, they keep saying how they need to hold a hearing to bring in the "nerds" to explain it to them. As Jon Stewart quickly points out, in this case the word these people should be using is "experts". You can't be ignorant of a topic and ask for help while simultaneously making fun of the very people you are calling to help you. Doesn't work like that. The fact that these are the people who were in charge of drawing up a bill like SOPA should be reason enough to kill it, but I doubt it. I'm left to wonder just how such people ended up on such an important position to begin with. If anyone could tell me I would appreciate it. I promise I won't call you a nerd for knowing the answer.

It's A SOPA Opera

2012-01-18T19:04:00.000-05:00

Today marked a very interesting new-wave kind of protest, as several popular sites like Wikipedia and Reddit purposely took themselves offline to call attention to the Stop Online Piracy Act (or SOPA) bill that is before Congress. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, allow me to sum it up: SOPA's intent is to curb people from illegally downloading movie and music from the Internet. On the surface, it sounds pretty good and fairly straightforward. It is not. Since most data-sharing sites are based outside the U.S. what the bill intends to do is block those sites from appearing on search engine. As if that didn't sound shady enough, the problem is that like most things Congress does it is far too reactionary and is very-ambiguously written, leading to all sorts of loopholes which could be taken advantage of by people who are looking to do just that sort of thing. For example, one of the provisions in the bill states that social media sites are responsible for what the people on their sites post and movie and music companies could sue sites like Facebook if people are posting illegal videos and Facebook refuses to edit that person's page. If this bill passes it would essentially allow and encourage censorship of social media. I know taking certain things off peoples' Facebook page sounds like a good idea, but even stupid people have the right to show people how stupid they are.

Also, the bill includes heavier lines such as companies being able to sue any site that even so much as links to copyrighted material. In addition the bill would allow companies to sue any advertisers associated with the site. Since we all know what strong moral standing advertisers usually show in the face of a lawsuit, it would take about four seconds for them to pull advertising from that site. If you can't make any money you can't stay in business, meaning this bill also basically makes it legal for companies to sue each other out of business for just linking to an unauthorized video. Put it to you like this: because I like to post a song every Sunday this blog could be sued if I used a video that was not officially licensed to use from the company that owns the rights. Since I obviously don't have the money to hire a team of lawyers to fight a giant corporation, I would be taken off the internet without much of a fight, all because I just wanted to come up with a gimmick which would allow me to do my weekend posting by Friday. People swear it would only be enforced in extreme cases, but where is the line? It certainly isn't clear in the bill, so what's to stop one company from suing a start-up it sees as competition under false pretenses just to drive them out of business? Answer: the moral compass of studio executives. Awesome. And people wonder why the entire internet thinks everything about this bill kind of sucks.

Some people think that laws like SOPA are necessary. To some degree they are. It is absolutely the right of anyone who creates something to protect that creation from being distorted and also making sure they can make some money off it. It would suck to work really hard to make something you are proud of, only to have people take it from you and pass it out without giving you the proper credit. The thing is we already have anti-piracy laws on the books. They were created so that entertainment companies could go after the major file sharing websites like Napster and Kazaa and sue them out of business. What happened instead is that these same people decided to start going after individuals to make an example out of them, which is how we ended up with 12 year-olds getting sued for millions of dollars and videos of babies playing having to be taken off of YouTube because there was a copy-protected song playing in the background. The point is that if these companies are going to twist laws like that to go after a few individuals there is no telling what they would do if given the opportunity with a bill like SOPA. If they can stop one website from showing up on a search engine, what is going to stop them from blocking hundreds? And keeping information from people is a dangerous and slippery slope, one that the lawmakers in this country should never make easier for people to go down.

Which leads us to today's online protest, designed to show the kinds of websites which could be affected if this bill passed. Other than all the funny posts made up from the Tweets of students complaining about how they are going to unable to do their homework tonight without Wikipedia (the scarier posts were the ones made up of all the teachers who didn't know how they were going to do their lesson plans), I actually think this was a fairly effective protest. It wasn't over-bearing or over-dramatic, it just made its point and will be done within a certain amount of time. That's what makes for a good protest: it makes people aware of an issue it thinks is wrong, but doesn't get in your face about it. It may have inconvenienced some people, but that inconvenience was minor and if those people really needed answers from the internet I'm sure they could be found using another route. And, unlike the Occupy movement, today's actions actually included a clear message as to what the protesters wanted. Most sites replaced their usual content with information about SOPA, why they were against it and contact information for your local Congressperson to voice your opinion if you agreed. If nothing else, it got people talking, which is almost all you could ask for. I for one hope it works.

Wrecked References

2012-01-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

For the last couple of days my TV and news feeds have been clogged with reports about the cruise liner that ran aground off the coast of Italy. I'm not surprised - people have gotten some amazing pictures of the wreck and nothing takes a news story to that next level quite like a great visual aid. Now, before you get all worried because you know the smart-ass voice that this blog usually takes, I'm not about to make fun of an accident that resulted in 11 deaths and where over a dozen people are still missing. I think it is absolutely correct that the Captain of the ship be charged with manslaughter as well as abandoning his ship, although I'm not sure why every seems to be focusing on the abandoning of the ship part of it - you would think manslaughter would be the headline-catcher. However, there is one thing about this story which continues to bother the hell out of me and that is how everyone keeps saying it is like a real-life version of the movie "Titanic". Not only is that factually wrong (which we'll get to in a second), but what offends me is that it's not even the right movie reference.

As my friends and family can tell you, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people quote movies incorrectly. I'm a stickler for getting the line exactly as it was said in the movie, otherwise I think you just shouldn't say it at all. (I was near someone the other day who was misquoting "Anchorman". Seriously, that movie has been out for nearly a decade and runs once a week on basic cable. If you're getting a quote from "Anchorman" wrong you're just lazy.) However, even worse than that is when people reference an entire movie incorrectly. So when I see a ship which has nearly capsized to one side my brain immediately goes to one boat movie above all the others: "Poseidon Adventure." To bypass what is clearly the obvious choice for a more popular movie is just annoying. Let's say you found yourself in a car chase up and down the hills of San Francisco. Are you going to say, "Hey this is just like "The Rock"!" because it is the more recent movie? No, you are going to go with "Bullitt" because it was the first and better movie.

Of course, this all stems from one interview that was done with one of the people rescued off the ship, who immediately said the crash was like experiencing "Titanic" for real. Now, if this woman was a little younger I would have forgiven her for going right to "Titanic", because no one saw the "Poseidon Adventure" remake that came out a few years ago (nor should they have). But, this particular woman was old enough that she had to be aware of the original. Her poorly-chosen movie reference slip of the tongue sent the media into a "Titanic"-theme frenzy and they attempted to make parallels between the two incidents, even going so far as to say that survivors had to jump into "frigid" waters to swim to safety. (For now we'll let it go that the very fact the ship was 100 yards from shore disqualifies it from being like "Titanic". And if you can't swim 100 yards I have to question why you took a cruise to begin with.) Honestly, you could almost feel some of these segment producers fighting with the urge to call James Cameron to get his thoughts on the crash.

I know that you want to keep going with the theme, but you can't disregard facts for the sake of a predetermined narrative (unless you work in 24-hour cable news, where that practice is actually encouraged). I did four seconds of research and discovered that the average temperature of the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Italy this time of year is about 55 degrees. You'll be lucky if the waters off Massachusetts get that warm by June. Clearly, this was not the same level of peril. But I think what drove me the craziest was that I never heard a single person say, "Hey, doesn't this look a lot more like "Poseidon Adventure" than "Titanic"?" I mean, have any of the people who work in news seen a movie that came out before 1990? (Especially ironic considering these same people act as though music stopped being made around 1995.) Look, I get that in this age where people have so many places to get information news programs need to make everything seem more dramatic to get people to watch the news and that movies are always going to be more dramatic than real life thanks to special effects and a powerful score. But if you're going to distort reality, I'm begging you to distort it around the correct film. Or, at least one with a less-annoying theme song - I've had Celine Dion in my head for two days.

Holiday Ramblings

2012-01-16T18:26:00.001-05:00

I often think of easy access to the internet as both the best and the worst thing that has happened to humanity. Sure, it's really nice to have the answers at our fingertips, but because we can access information so easily, no one ever bothers to commit things to memory. I'm fairly convinced that 90% of all questions these days are answered with the ever-popular, "I don't know, just Google it." I really do worry that someday game shows which used to reward people for being smart like "Jeopardy" will be decided by who can can find answers on the internet faster than their competition. (You'll note that we already tried this with "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and its 'phone a friend' feature. That lifeline may as well have been called, "Let's just cut out the middle man - you have 30 seconds to Google it yourself.") Now, admittedly, for the most part this lack of information retention isn't that big a deal. I mean, no one needs to store random facts like whether or not Tony Randall is still with us inside their brains at all times (for the record, he's not). The problem is it's starting to seep into everyday life and we're forgetting stuff that we should know, like what constitutes a holiday.

This came up last night because I was having dinner with the family and my sisters and I were trying to figure out what would be open today. This used to be a very simple. Question: What was closed on a holiday? Answer: Everything. But, between companies offering floating holidays which people can use at any time, retail stores seeing the chance to have a weekend-type crowd in their stores on a weekday and businesses simply deciding that, screw it, we're going to be open because you people just had a week off between Christmas and New Year's, some stuff is open and other stuff isn't. Suddenly it is a hard question to answer. You can't even makes plans with people for the holiday because you can never tell if they will have to work or if they will be available to do something. I only wish we would be more consistent with it. The best guesses are that banks, schools, the post office and trash pickup isn't going to happen. You are on your own for the rest. Basically, the best thing you can do now is head to the Internet and check it out company by company, which I have to tell you is a real waste of time. (Though, admittedly, it does work out better than driving all the way to a place and finding out it's closed.)

It's the floating holidays that I really don't get. Just who decided this was a thing? What HR person was sitting in their office one afternoon and said, "You know what? I really think the government dropped the ball by having President's Day in February. I feel like things are much more Presidential in the summer, so that's when I want this company to celebrate it." Isn't the whole purpose of a holiday to celebrate something specific at a meaningful time to that event? I have always felt as though that was part of the deal - we'll give you a day off, but you have to take at least 30 seconds at some point during that day to think about why it is you got to sleep nice and late this morning. I really doubt you will remember the point of a holiday when your are using your floating holidays from the fall to take extra time in the summer. But, it does seem to lend some weight to my other theory, which is that floating holidays were invented by someone who was really bad at budgeting their vacation time and sick days for the year and always ended up using them all up by March.

Of course, some people will counter with the argument that we have entirely too many holidays to begin with. This is, of course, crazy talk. Not only should people never argue against more holidays, but when you stop and think about all the random groups that make up this country of ours, I'm really surprised there aren't more of them. If you are actually one of those people who are against holidays just be thankful the really obscure groups don't have the time or influence to make any real political pushes, otherwise we'd be celebrating any number of random days away from work. Think about it: if some eccentric billionaire with money to burn decided that we should really go back to holidays on the pagan calendar, I'm willing to bet it wouldn't be too long before some Congressman who is up for re-election and needs to do some campaigning would be on the floor of the house, offering up a resolution to create a holiday for Zeus. But whether we ever get to that point or not, how about we all work on using holidays when they are supposed to be celebrated? It might go a long way in actually remembering what the holiday was intended to be celebrating in the first place.

A Mid-Western Interlude

2012-01-15T14:35:00.000-05:00

This week's interlude kills two birds with one stone...

First issue I want to talk about was brought up because last night was the Miss America pageant. Let me just say that I'm stunned that beauty pageants are still around. I would have thought reality shows would have been the death of these kinds of events because I feel like the woman who want to be Miss America are the same woman who want to be on the "Bachelor" and training for both seems like it would be exhausting. Also, I would have thought shows like "Toddlers & Tiaras" would have shamed some people into dropping out the pageant life. Guess not because not only are they still around, we actually have two of them. I don't know the difference between Miss USA and Miss America, but I'm sure it's a technical difference like between Song of the Year and Record of the Year at the Grammys (actually, I know what the difference is there). Either way, Miss Wisconsin won and is the new Miss America, meaning she has a wonderful year full of appearing at Badger football games ahead of her and why Bon Iver's "Wisconsin" is the musical interlude of the week.

Now, "Wisconsin" is a hidden track on Bon Iver's album "For Emma, Forever Ago." Hidden tracks are the other thing I wanted to talk about, because I don't understand them. First of all, now that we all have iPods and can see how much time is left on a track, 'stumbling' onto a hidden bonus song is impossible. The second the song ends and we can see there is still 10 minutes left on the track countdown the jig is up. Secondly, I'm not sure what to do with hidden tracks. I never can tell if they are meant to be some kind of message to the hardcore fans because only they are supposed to know they exist, a reward for people who are too lazy to get up and switch CDs once they think the album is over or just a song that the band finished too late to include on the original track list when the album artwork was sent to the printers. Either way, I end up feeling like these are the 'deleted scenes' of the music world and too often you can tell why those scenes were deleted. If you don't like a song enough to put it smack in the middle of the album than maybe just keep working on it until you are happy with it. Don't put things out there half-finished.

Weekly Sporties

2012-01-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

-It is not at all uncommon to see professional athletes get traded during the season. At this point it is almost a tradition on baseball's trade deadline to have a camera focused solely on the guy who was held out of the lineup because he was the subject of trade rumors, just to be positive that someone will eventually get a picture of him going around hugging his teammates goodbye when he officially gets traded in the 5th inning. But as awkward as that day may be, at least that guy isn't playing. After all, teams don't want to risk someone getting hurt and voiding the trade before it even takes place. That is what made Mike Cammalleri situation so unique. Just one day after speaking up about the poor attitude in the Montreal Canadiens's locker room, saying that people around the organization had a "losing mentality", the team traded him in the middle of a game against the Bruins. After playing the first period they tossed Cammalleri in a cab and sent him back to the team hotel to grab his stuff because he was now a member of the Calgary Flames. I understand that Cammalleri's comments probably didn't make him any friends in the organization, but if you're a Montreal fan you have to question whether or not this was the best decision. It's one thing to get rid of a guy, it's another to be so anxious to get it over with that you do it before you've made sure you got the best offer. And 24 hours certainly doesn't sound like enough time to do much in the way of negotiating. Also, not that I want to agree with Cammalleri because I don't know much about the current state of the Canadiens, but I gotta say kicking a guy out just because he offered some criticism sounds an awful lot like loser mentality.

-There is a rumor going around that Red Sox captain Jason Varitek is planning to come to Spring Training as a non-roster invitee, which basically means that he is back to trying out for the squad and has no guarantees of being with the team in any capacity. Reportedly the Sox want him to retire but 'Tek wants to keep playing. However, he also doesn't want to play for another organization, which really forces his hand. With Kelly Shoppach and Jared Saltalamacchia on the roster, Jason doesn't really have much of a chance to break into the lineup, so in my mind this is extra cruel by the Red Sox. They would be better off being honest, telling him that he doesn't have a shot and keeping him at home. All inviting him to camp is going to do is paint new manager Bobby Valentine into the corner of being the guy who had to cut the Captain and start him off on the wrong foot with fans. Frankly, I can practically see the depressing new conference in Florida. Given the way the Red Sox front office has already handled this offseason, they can't afford many more PR gaffes. Thank him for his years of service and great memories, offer to have "Jason Varitek Day" at some point this season and send him on his way. I know it sounds cold, but it may be the best thing for everyone involved.

-With Bill O'Brien headed to Penn State to take over as head coach once the season is over, the Patriots appeared as if they were going to have a job to fill this offseason. Well, they didn't have to look too hard because the guy that O'Brien replaced, Josh McDaniels, agreed to come back and be the team's offensive coordinator before the job ever officially became available. Admittedly, it is a little weird. McDaniels was fired Monday along with the rest of the St. Louis Rams staff, hired by the Patriots on Sunday and will be on the sidelines tonight as an offensive coach before taking the OC job back next season. Of course, since the Patriots are playing the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow, the team that McDaniels used to coach, people around the league are crying foul, thinking that this gives the Patriots some kind of inside information. Now there is talk about implementing some kind of rule to prevent this kind of thing in the future. First off, it is not like the Broncos are still running McDaniels' offense (I'd love to see Tebow even attempt to pull off what Brady does). Secondly, it is not like teams don't do this with players all the time. Players are signed right before their new team plays their former team, pumped for information about schemes and released as soon as the game is over. Hell, the Broncos signed someone yesterday and he'll be in the lineup tonight, which to me makes a hell of a lot more impact than any coach could. Why do I feel like this is only an issue because the Patriots did it?

-I am usually the first guy in line to credit someone when they play hurt. I admire the toughness that it takes to go out when you are already in pain, knowing that it is only going to get worse. All I want in return is that you don't milk it. For the last few weeks Ben Roethlisberger has been playing with a severely hurt ankle. Initially thought to be broken, it turned out to just be a very painful high-ankle sprain. While he did miss one week with the injury, Roethlisberger came back to play the final game of the regular season as well as the Steeler's first round matchup against Denver. Again, admirable and tough as hell. But, at the same time I was really bothered by the fact that Ben was wearing two-different colored shoes. You see, because of the brace on his ankle, Roethlisberger had to wear two different size cleats. That part I get. But one cleat was black while the other was yellow. Am I supposed to believe that these were the only cleats Ben could find? Having worked for an athletic shoe company before I know damn well that when it comes to the professional athletes, shipping miracles can happen. Stuff that would take weeks to get to you or me arrives the next day. The only reason he would have had two different cleats is would be that he wanted to wear two different color shoes to remind everyone, "Hey, this is the ankle I hurt! Everyone, look how tough I'm being!" This is officially where you lose me. Look, you're already going to be praised all day for playing through pain, don't look for extra sympathy by feeling like you have to remind us that you're playing through pain. I've heard people say that Ben has been known exaggerate to how much pain he is in to try and look tougher, but I never believed it until he did everything short of attach a Post-It note with an arrow to his sock.

-This week the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks made their celebratory trip to the White House to meet the President. It was a mostly routine affair and they even got Mavs owner Mark Cuban to wear a suit, which happens about once every three years. But, all was not totally well as Mavericks player (and D.C. native) Delonte West was denied admission, allegedly because he has a felony arrest on his record. At first, West seemed to take his denial in stride, saying "That's what happens when you make bad decisions in your life. You can't go to the White House." Of course, that was before someone pointed out that if that was really the case than a great number of athletes through the years (as well as a few politicians) shouldn't have been allowed in. West then decided this was just another in a line of examples of people holding his past against him and went a little crazy on Twitter, airing his grievances. I have a much simpler explanation about why West, whom I like very much and wanted the Celtics to re-sign, wasn't brought to the White House: He wasn't on the Mavericks last year and wasn't part of their Championship. Dude, you don't get to celebrate when you join after the games are over. That's not holding your past against you, that's just common sense. Everything doesn't have to be part of a larger plot.

-Just one event into the year and already people on the PGA are complaining about the pace of play. (For those of you who may not be into golf, allow me to explain: slow play on the golf course is one of those subjects that golfers can always pull out to get a debate going when they can't come up with anything else to talk about. Think of it like weather at a boring cocktail party - it's always there when you need it.) Along with the complaints about how long it takes to play a round of golf always come a few suggestions. For example, Luke Donald suggested that players should be lining up putts at the same time so that they can putt right after each other, saving about 30 seconds per player, per hole which would speed the entire affair by about a half an hour. It sounds all well and good, right up until the time when someone complains about another playing lining up their putt in the first guy's field of vision. When stuff like that happens etiquette will always trump speed. The other problem with slow players is that often they refuse to acknowledge how slow they are. That's why I want to see the Tour threaten to put something ridiculous put into place, like posting times next to scores. Guys that take over a set amount time to play a round will get a penalty. Since most of these guys are independent contractors the only place you can hurt them is their wallet. But, hey, if they start fining guys for taking too long, the upside is that players like Kevin Na will finally be able to say they lead the Tour in at least one stat.

-When it comes to sports, time passes in dog years. What was a major controversy at the time feels like it happened in a passed life just one year later. For example, by now most people have forgotten that at about this time last year Cam Newton was in a lot of hot water with the NCAA because it certainly looked like his father tried to get some money from boosters in exchange for guarantees that Cam would go to one school over another. (A Rookie of the Year season in the NFL will go a long way to erase such memories.) Still, to make sure they never have another situation like that ever again, this week the NCAA passed what is unofficially known as the "Cecil Newton Rule." Basically it states that in addition to players being unable to take improper benefits, they will also be ruled ineligible if any relatives, close friend or other acquaintances are found to have taken improper benefits from a booster in exchange for influence with the player. It's a good rule, one that prompted the same reaction throughout most of the land: "Wait, why wasn't that already illegal?" The NCAA, ladies and gentlemen - Better late than never!

Ch-Ch-Changes

2012-01-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

You may remember that right before Christmas I wrote about about how much I dislike it when technology forces an upgrade on me. This occurs when companies stop making the parts and accessories for a product for no other reason than they made another version of the same thing and want you to have no other option but to buy the newer version with all its parts, accessories and service plans. From a purely business standpoint I can understand their desires, even if I think their methods are pure evil. However, more and more I am coming across an even worse kind of upgrade that I am continually forced to deal with: the unwilling upgrade. This is where you turn on a program or visit a website to discover that things have changed. You didn't ask for these changes, you didn't agree to them and you certainly didn't want them, but you have no other choice but to deal with them. **Before we go any further I want you to know I am well aware that this entire post reads like a giant #RichPeopleProblems feed on Twitter. I've made my peace with that and before you read another sentence you should as well.**

I've never had a problem with any boss I have ever had. I have always gotten along very well with the people I report to on a day-to-day basis. The people who seem to continually rub me the wrong way tend to be my boss's bosses. These are the people who parachute in every couple of weeks, make comments about how you could be doing your job better even though they aren't totally sure what your job (or your name) is and then disappear back up to their office to pretend to be busy working, completely unaware of the chaos left in their wake. This 20 minutes of annoyance only gets worse because visits like this invariably lead to memos coming down a couple weeks later letting everyone know that some system upgrades are on the way. On the surface that sounds good and for a half-second you are actually foolish enough to believe that these changes will make your job easier. The problem is that often these upgrades don't really make things any better or worse, they just make them different. It is change for the sake of change.

First off, the people who actually work with these systems are never consulted on what would make for a good upgrade. No one ever comes along with a pen and paper to say, "Hey, you deal with this every day. What changes would you like to see?" and then begins to furiously jot down all your brilliant ideas. No, instead what happens is somebody who has never been in your department creates some new programs on their own. It has all the latest code in it, making it look sleek and stylist. But because the guy who wrote the program has no idea which parts of it get the most use or should be streamlined, the new design causes the procedure which usually takes 4 steps to now take 6 and the annoying long one that took 10 steps continues to take those same annoying 10 steps. Oh, and the one thing you liked from the old program has been removed completely. But, hey, at least the thing you have to do once every three months can be accomplished with the push of just one button. [Sidebar: I'm not faulting the system designers, who probably aren't thrilled about this stuff either. It's just the way offices work. Those designers probably worked really hard on the last program and were in no hurry to write another one. I'm guessing they are just regular people who are only writing new code to look busy and not get fired.]

I'm not saying the occasional forced upgrade isn't a good thing. Humans are creatures of habit by nature and hate change, so if technology didn't pressure us to upgrade we'd all probably still be walking around with cellphones the size of bricks, listening to walk-mans and surfing with dial-up speed internet access. When you think about it like that, occasionally being pushed against your wishes isn't so bad. But even in that circumstance you still have some control over the situation, as you are the one making the decision as to when you will ultimately cave in to the technology pressure and buy a copy of "Master of Puppets" for the fourth time. I'm simply saying there is a difference between "pressuring" and "not giving a choice". When upgrades are just done without even asking you to click an "I Agree" box, that is an entirely different case. I feel that if you are going to make changes that people have no choice but to accept, you had better make sure they are changes that people want or are at least so helpful that people will begrudgingly have to admit that this is better than the old version. In short, allow me to sum this post up another way:

Dear Verizon Fios - I hate the new channel guide.
Is there any way I can go back to the old one?

Not An Instant Classic

2012-01-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

I currently find myself in one of those lulls we all experience, where I haven't bought any new music in a while but have also grown tired of everything on my iPod. As a result I have been listening to the radio more than at any point in recent memory (other than when I was trying (and failing) to win tickets to a golf tournament), just so I can hear something different. As I venture back into the radio world, I find myself sticking fairly close to the classic rock stations. I do this for a few of reasons, but the main one is lack of other good options. A couple years ago people realized that sports talk stations do extremely well on the FM side of the dial and started bringing them over in droves. However, in doing this they pushed out most of the stations I enjoy and left the landscape rather barren. The remaining ones which weren't taken over consist of one hard rock station with a bad signal and annoying DJs, an alternative station with much better DJs but an even worse signal and 10 stations that all play what is supposed to be wide variety of Top-40 music, but it turns out "wide variety" actually means the same 10 songs on a three-hour loop. While the classic rock stations might not be much better, playing the same 15 artists all day, usually you are assured of the songs being good. Or, at least that used to be the case.

This issue has come to the forefront because, after years of saying how much they could not stand original singer David Lee Roth, would never work with him ever again and tried multiple options to replace him forever [Sidebar: all the while never wondering if maybe they were the people who were difficult to work with], Van Halen announced a reunion tour this week with Roth back on the microphone. Along with the new tour will be an album of new material. The first song off that new album, "Tattoo", was released to the masses this week and received heavy airplay. After hearing it a few times this week, color me underwhelmed. It sounds pretty much how you would expect a song from a band reuniting after 20 years in a blatant attempt to grab some money to sound, which is to say it sounds like a band trying really damn hard to replicate old-school Van Halen. There is nothing sadder than an old rocker still trying to prove to the kids that they still know how to party and this song is like audio proof that the band still trashes hotel rooms for no other reason than that is what bands did in the 70s and they just aren't quite sure how to do it any other way.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure I will say that I never really like David Lee Roth. I was too young when Van Halen first broke in with him, so my first taste of the band came during the Sammy Hagar era. While I hardly thought it was the most amazing thing I ever heard, it was fine enough. I didn't think it was any better or worse than what they had released before, so I just never got the longing for the good old days and the hero worship for David Lee Roth. Roth's personality probably wasn't helping. Every time he opened his mouth in interviews I found him more and more grating. Musicians, especially frontmen from these kinds of 80s rock bands, usually possess over-sized personalities by nature but Roth comes across as trying way too hard to convince everyone he is the most fun guy in the room. It conveys a certain desperation to be liked that reminds me of the person at the party who spends the entire time in everyone's face, repeatedly asking if they are having fun and in the process actually wrecks everybody's night. So, it is probably not a stretch to say that I was going in with a bias.

Be that as it may, I think that even if I was a fan of Roth this song would hardly warrant being on the classic rock station. People are too quick to let musicians skate by on reputation. Sure, the early Van Halen catalog has made it through with flying colors, but just because someone churns out a couple of hits that doesn't mean they have the Midas touch on every track. Some people may think U2 is a great band, but even their most loyal supporters are probably known to hit 'next' on their iPods when certain songs come up. You should have to earn your place in the rotation and this new track comes well short of that. I understand that they simply might not have anywhere else to play this track because it isn't hard enough to be on the rock stations and it isn't light enough to mix into the Top-40 stuff. Well, maybe that should be telling you all you need to know. It is always sad when a pro athlete stays beyond their prime, but at some point the game demands they get out. However, music has no such time-limits, even though it probably should. No one wants to hear a 60 year-old sing "Hot For Teacher" any more than they wanted to see Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform. But at least with MJ no one tries to pretend his time in Washington was just as good as his early work by putting the games on ESPN Classic - people are realistic about what they were watching at that point of his career. Now if we could just be as realistic about what we are hearing.

Not Our Vote

2012-01-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

Last night I had settled in to watch some TV when the show was interrupted with news that Mitt Romney had won the New Hampshire primary. "Oh. Well, good for him," my brain thought. "But I'm not in New Hampshire, so we can go back to the show now, right?" Unfortunately, the answer was no because first we had to stick with around the Romney camp to see his speech, then shoot over to hear the second and third place finishers give their speeches about how finishing second and third was somehow a victory. After it became clear that we wouldn't be going back to my regularly scheduled program I began flipping around for something not-politics related to watch. Even though it was fairly easy to do I was annoyed at having to do it at all. As I did my scanning, I was struck by one thought over and over again: "I don't want to go through this for another ten months."

I make no secret of the fact that politics isn't my thing. First off, I think every politician, regardless of their political party, is basically just going to say whatever they think you want to hear at that moment. I knew kids in high school who did this and I hated them. And as much as I love a lively discussion, talking politics is the worst. It seems every bad conversation I can remember happening involves one of three topics: politics, religion and the Lakers. By this point if anyone begins to talk glowingly about any of those three subjects my first impulse is to get up and get the hell out of dodge, because the conversation is just going to end up with me having a lesser opinion of that person. But last night was worse because the issues forced themselves into my home against my will. (At least the TV spirits in "Poltergeist" were nice enough to take that little girl on a trip when they came out of the TV.) If I wanted to watch election coverage I would turn over to any of the 15 cable news channels at my fingertips. The fact that I chose instead to watch a Navy-theme crime series should speak volumes about how invested I feel about what is happening in an election in another state.

Look, I get that this is a big deal to some people, specifically the people of New Hampshire. They like being one of the first states to cast their political vote and they take the honor very seriously. I'm also aware that I live very close to New Hampshire (big fan of their hiking options as well as their money). However, "near" does not equal "the same place". I fail to see why my entertainment needs to be interrupted because some people in my area made a decision that I didn't get a say in. Not everything that happens in New England needs to be treated as though we are all one big happy family. You never see other states so up in each other's business. We might all be under one regional nickname, but that doesn't mean I care what Vermont is up to tonight. This is the exact same logic that leads me to me getting so many Giants games on TV during football season and we all know how much I hate that. They say all politics are local, but apparently the news affiliates have a very broad definition of what constitutes local.

I think what is really bothering me the most is the realization that we're just getting started with election season. We haven't even gotten through the Republican primaries yet. Hell, we're only two states in and I'm already sick and tired of the process. I can't stand the thought of 10 more months of pandering, pre-recorded phone calls from anonymous numbers and depressing negative ads about how each side is making everything worse (which, miraculously, manages to be true). I don't have a choice about the local elections getting a lot of coverage, but I feel like the least the local news programs can do is wait until the national elections come through the state to break out the wall-to-wall coverage. It'll be here soon enough. Unfortunately this election season is going to be a marathon not a sprint, so I really don't see the need to start running in other people's races as well.

Lost Classics

2012-01-10T19:05:00.000-05:00

Every now and again, the various movie channels near the top of my television's guide will stop showing the same five films on their regular three-hour rotations and throws in a random movie from back in the day. And I do mean random - we're not talking blockbuster or award-winners. I can only assume they were lumped in as a package deal for a cable channel getting the rights to a more famous movie. But, even though they might not have been box office gold, these movies still hold a special place in my memory banks. Occasionally, I feel like we should celebrate these obscure movies from my childhood, in what will be a who-knows-how-frequent feature: Rakauskas's Ramblings Lost Classics. Today's movie is 1991's "Career Opportunities."

The movie stars Frank Whaley, whom you have totally seen in other projects but have no idea that is his name. He is just the type of nondescript actor that was a staple of comedies in the late 80s. Whaley plays Jim, a local loser who has had a series of part-time jobs and a habit of talking to the camera, in a blatant attempt to rip off Ferris Bueller. After getting fired from his last job, Jim's father lands him a new one as part of the overnight cleaning crew of his local Target, because back in the day your parents could get you a job without telling you and without you having to go on a single job interview. (It was a simpler time.) On his first night on the job Jim is locked in the store by his boss and left to clean the entire place all by himself. Again, entirely plausible in 1990. This, of course, leads to the obligatory movie montage of Jim cleaning using various methods and machinery to get the job done faster. The lesson being that just because you don't want to be there and no one is watching, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do a good job.

At some point during the night Jim meets up with Josie, played by a pre-breast reduction Jennifer Connolly. (The best kind of Jennifer Connolly there is.) Josie was the typical spoiled rich, popular girl in high school and hid the fact that her father was abusive from everyone (in typical 90s fashion this information is quickly glazed over). The kind of girl who was allegedly perfect on the outside, but it turns out her life isn't so perfect (another 80s movie staple). She is still in the store because she fell asleep in the dressing room while debating stealing a skirt. Again, this was the extremely early 90s, you need to just accept it and move on. During their time locked in Target together, playing with all the stuff they could open, Jim and Josie begin to form a real connection, leading to them planning to run away together with some money Josie has stolen from her father. (I don't remember the exact amount but I think it was some number like $20,000, which seemed like more than enough to last forever in my 11 year-old brain.)

However, all is not well because two crooks have also broken into the store. (What are the odds?) The crooks, who are on a robbery and murder spree, are played by a very young Dermot Mulroney and his brother Kieran. [Sidebar: I just learned they were related four seconds ago. Also, Kieran Mulroney was a writer on the latest Sherlock Holmes movie. Man, Wikipedia is awesome.] They intend to rob the Target, then kill Josie and Jim. However, Josie easily tricks the robbers because, again, this is pre-breast reduction Jennifer Connolly. Thinking she wants to run away with him, Dermot Mulroney allows her and Jim to live and loads up the car for their escape. Only Josie double crosses the robbers and takes off in their escape vehicle with all the loot, leaving Jim alone to deal with the now pissed-off killers. (With 20 years of hindsight, she's a total bitch for doing this.) But, never fear because our hero is able to outsmart the crooks using methods not seen since "Home Alone" came out four months earlier. At the end the crooks are arrested, Josie returns and she and Jim head off to California with their money and (at least it is implied) a car full of free merchandise. It is a happy ending for everyone involved, except Target's insurance company.

Let me tell you why I love this movie, even 20 years later: it is everything my 11 year-old brain wanted. I can tell you there was no greater fantasy for a kid than to be locked in a department store overnight and just run around, playing with every toy you could open. I remember that we didn't have any Targets around here at the time, but I thought they must have been the coolest stores ever. (By the amount of Christmas shopping I do there, it turns out 31 year-old me agrees.) Plus, this hits all the late 80s cliches perfectly: the slacker who steps up in the big moment, the hot girl who isn't so hot you think she's out of your league and the easily tricked villains. It is just the kind of quick and light movie that didn't make you think and you knew was going to end fine for the main characters. Every time it is on I feel like a kid again. Obviously, if you haven't seen this movie I'm going to recommend it just on the so-bad-it's-now-good factor. But, as an added bonus I'm willing to bet that you will be able to get through most On-Demand catalogs for free. So, even if you hate it, at least it didn't cost you anything.

Three Morals...

2012-01-09T19:04:00.000-05:00

In my experience, there are life lessons to be learned everywhere, even in terrible movies. For example, a lot of people hated "Joe vs The Volcano" but, as my father pointed out, it taught us the very valuable lesson to always buy floating luggage. It's like the Dalai Lama said, "Even when you lose, don't lose the lesson." With that in mind, here are a few morals I picked up this weekend:

-Please don't mistake this for complaining, but you have to admit this has been a bit of an odd winter. First it snowed just before Halloween and then we didn't get another inch of the white stuff for the rest of 2011. Now we have started 2012 with an extremely warm front, as evidenced by the fact that we hit 60 degrees on Saturday. [Sidebar: it's funny how we're not hearing from the "Where's your Global Warming now, hippies?" crowd that usually like to crow the first time it snows during most winters. Scientists should be on TV using this winter as an example of how they might be on to something. Honestly, I think being a dick is the more effective plan to get your message out.] Anyway, like most people I wanted to get out and enjoy this amazing weather, so I started to look into playing an emergency 9 holes of golf anywhere. Sadly, most courses were closed for the winter and it turns out that a golf course is not something you can open at a moment's notice. Moral of this story? When I win the lottery and buy myself a golf course it will be open year-round. Closing several months at a time is a wasted opportunity I don't think the money you save by not paying people for 5 months offsets the money you lose by not being open when it's a mild winter.

-You know what is a very fun game to play? "Why is that person getting arrested?" I was driving down the highway the other afternoon when off to the side of the road was a man being led away from his vehicle in handcuffs. This is always amusing to watch when you are not personally involved in the situation. I found myself wondering just what this person did to warrant incarceration. Now, I'm going to guess that it was nothing very exciting. Probably along the lines of outstanding traffic tickets or failure to show up to court - something that wouldn't even make the police blotter at the end of the week. However, that didn't stop me from imagining that this guy was actually some world-famous criminal who was captured for something stupid, like having a taillight out. Moral of this story? Never get arrested. Because there could be someone like me just out of frame, making grand assumptions about you and I guarantee they will not be flattering.

-Following yesterday's upset of the Pittsburgh Steelers, people took to the internet to praise Broncos' quarterback Tim Tebow. Now, Mr. Tebow has never tried to hide his religious beliefs, which has made him a lightning rod for both sides of the issue. I end up feeling bad for Tim because he's open with his religion, but he never takes the extra step of trying to push it on other people, which I respect. Not to mention, there are those that try to push religion on other people in Tebow's name, which is not even in his control. Case in point: a couple hours later someone pointed out that when Tebow played in college, he would often write Bible passages on his eyeblack, usually John 3:16 (I believe the passage reads, "And God said, "Even I hate the Lakers."). It didn't take long for someone to point out that Tebow threw for 316 yards in the win and a short time after that someone pointed out that the receiver who caught the pass in overtime was born on December 25th. You know who else was born on December 25th? Jesus. That makes the Denver win officially a miracle. Moral of the story? There are a shitload of crazy people on the Internet.

Follow The Directions

2012-01-08T12:18:00.000-05:00

Just a couple days ago I wrote a post about how much I appreciate specific directions, especially when cooking. When it comes to my food I want to leave as little chance of ruining the product as possible and really like it when the people who make it take the time to offer suggestions on the best way to cook their product. Well, apparently the universe felt like having a little fun with me, because just a day later I went to reheat something in the microwave and the entire directions on the package consisted of the following sentence:

Heat until warm.

Really? That's all you're going to give me? I can't get a time or even a power setting? Can't even bother to ballpark it for me? Was one more sentence going to cost you that much more in packaging expenses? Thanks for putting almost no effort into this. Because of that lack of specificity, this week's musical interlude is a song with specific directions. Brian McKnight gives you 5 steps that he wants you to follow and even gives you a backup plan if you think you might have messed up along the way. Sure, that step is start over, but at least he gives you options.

[Sidebar: You can tell that McKnight got a lot of action from this song simply by the male/female audience ratio. Not counting musicians I only see three dudes the entire video. However, my favorite comes right around the 2:06 mark. Keep your eyes peeled for the guy in the front row who is the only person not singing along. He is clearly not happy to be there and was obviously dragged to the show by his girlfriend. He's doing everything short of checking his watch. I'm willing to bet they broke up soon after she saw this video.]

Weekly Sporties

2012-01-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

-About a week ago, a rumor started to circulate that Patriots' offensive coordinator Bill O'Brien was the leading candidate for the Penn State head coaching job. I didn't think much of it at the time, assuming Penn State would ultimately try to hire a guy with some head coaching experience. So, you can imagine my surprise when it was announced Thursday night that O'Brien had accepted the position. Immediately people on TV were shouting about what a great hire this was for Penn State because the Patriots offense has put up such amazing numbers this year. Yeah, well I have some bad news for Nittany Lions fans: O'Brien isn't going to be able to bring Brady, Welker and Gronk with him. It's hard to tell how good a coach he actually is versus just being the benefactor of some amazing players. But given how the previous assistants hired away from the Patriots to be head coaches have fared [Charlie Weis (fired), Romeo Crennell (fired), Eric Mangini (fired - twice), Josh McDaniels (fired)], you can't be too encouraged.

-However, while I may not have agreed with the guy Penn State ultimately hired, I do understand what they were going for. Every part of that program currently has the stink of the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal attached to it and they needed to hire someone who doesn't have any affiliation with Joe Paterno to start clean. Since Joe Pa had been there for 60 years, that meant going outside the family. If O'Brien works out that's great, but if he doesn't you can then go back to a Penn State guy, having created some separation from the previous regime. That part of the decision makes some sense. But, it doesn't appear some prominent Penn State alums feel the same way. Former Nittany Lions start LaVar Arrington took to Twitter to voice his displeasure, declaring himself "done" with Penn State and saying that he would no longer associate with the program, instead rooting for whichever school interim head coach Pat Bradley ended up at. He also said the the interim-AD was "corrupt" and found the entire coaching search "disgusting". Wait, this is what Arrington finds disgusting? So, covering up three decades of child molestation by an assistant coach, that was ok, but not hiring a guy who probably shared an office with that assistant is what causes you to disavow your university? Nice to see he has his priorities in line.

-While we're talking about people with messed up priorities, instead of chalking things up to a bad season and attempting to head into the offseason with positives vibes for the future, the New York Jets are busy stabbing each other in the back. It appears the one player most people are zoning in on is wide receiver Santonio Holmes. Allegedly, during the last game of the season, while the Jets were still in the hunt for a wild-card spot, Holmes was mouthing off at teammates in the huddle and found himself on the bench for the end of the game. Now people aren't sure if Holmes and quarterback Marc Sanchez will be able to coexist next season or if one has to go. This is seen as especially problematic because Holmes just signed a big contract last year and is also one of the team's captains. Now, I hate to say I told you so, but dammit, I told you so. Holmes had major issues when he was in Pittsburgh and all you had to know about him was that he was available in a trade just a couple months after being the MVP of the Super Bowl. If that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't care if you don't want to listen to your friends and start dating a crazy woman, but don't come crying to me when (SHOCKER!) she starts acting crazy.

-One more NFL note: it is never a good idea for owners and general managers to start listening to fans. Fans take what happen with their teams far too personally to make rational decisions. As such, it is best for the people involved to put up a wall between themselves and the people who call in to sports talk radio so they can make the best decisions for the franchise without outside influence. That being said, when everyone is telling you that you have made a bad decision, it may be time to listen. Despite a so-so season for the third straight year, this week the owner of the San Diego Chargers announced that he would not be firing his coach (Norv Turner) or his GM (AJ Smith), at which point every sports pundit had the exact same reaction: really? I mean, everyone seems to like Turner but people still had him fired weeks ago. In fact, it might have only been because Norv thought he was fired that he loosened up and started coaching like he had nothing to lose. At some point you have to recognize that a team has gone as far as it is going to go under one man. Now, the Chargers play in a bad division so it is entirely possible that they could win 11 games and be in the playoffs again, but that is as far as they are going to go. Nothing about Norv Turner makes you think he can win a Super Bowl. By keeping everyone in place, all ownership has done is tell the fans that just making the playoffs is good enough for him.

-Early in the week Joe Torre resigned his position with Major League Baseball because he wanted to join one of the groups trying to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. This obviously would have created a conflict of interest had Torre still been employed by the people who will ultimately decide who gets the team. Normally I would recommend not quitting a cushy job like Torre's unless you were sure that your bid was assured of being the winning one, but something tells me that Joe won't be hurting for something to do whether he gets the Dodgers or not. Instead, I just wanted to point something out for business owners out there: if you have ever wondered whether or not you are over-paying an employee, as yourself these two simple questions: Are you hemorrhaging so much money that your business is being taken away from you? And is one of the people who is trying to buy your business out from under you a former employee, who has a crapload of money to invest? If the answers are yes, then you are, in fact, paying your employees too much money. Just another fun chapter of the Frank McCourt era in Dodger history.

-Just a couple days after he sent power forward DeMarcus Cousins home from practice, saying Cousins needed to improve his attitude, the Sacramento Kings turned around and fired coach Paul Westphal. While the Kings say the two things were not related, it definitely smacked as the organization picking the player over the coach. Now, Westphal was 2-7 on the year and had only won 49 games total in his first two season as the Kings head coach so it wasn't like he had much a record to stand on but, still - to have your organization side with a player like DeMarcus Cousins has to sting. Sure, Cousins is a first round pick and everyone thinks he will eventually turn into a great player, but that comes with a huge if. Cousins had a few run-ins during his one year at Kentucky and people have been questioning his maturity for a couple of seasons. I know the NBA is a player's league (Lakers' Coach Mike Brown said as much this week when he said that great players like Kobe Bryant "allow" themselves to be coached), but it used to be that players had to at least earn the right to get their coach fired. Cousins has been in the league for about 10 minutes and never won jack while there. If you want a guy to start acting more maturely, something tells me that firing the coach who wanted him to practice harder isn't the way to make that happen.

-In a rather bizarre interview on Friday, Toronto Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke lamented the loss of enforcers in the current NHL. With an emphasis on speed and scoring, guys who can't skate but are really good at protecting the team's finesse players are becoming obsolete. Burke's main problem is that there is no accountability - guys can cheapshot another team's best player and there is no one there for retribution because team's don't want their finesse players getting hurt in a fight (irony). You would think that an old-school guy like Burke would want players to stand up for themselves and fight their own battles, but we'll save that dichotomy for another time. We're also going to overlook the fact that the NHL is currently under siege from a rash of concussions that have knocked out some of the league's best players and is currently undergoing massive safety overhauls. Hell, we're even going to ignore how stupid Burke's comments look in the wake of three players who were considered "enforcers" killing themselves during the offseason, leading psychologist to wonder if the violent lifestyle and concussion suffered on the ice during fights were too much for them to handle. No, what I'm taking the most exception to is Burke calling for more fights when he will never be in the line of fire. Tell you what, Brian, if you want more fighting in the NHL, strap on a pair of skates (you never played in the league, so this will be interesting) and go out there looking to start a scrap. We'll see how pro-enforcer you are when they are picking your teeth up off the ice.

The Leftovers...

2012-01-06T19:06:00.000-05:00

Last year I wrote about the strange phenomenon of the price of calendars being cut in half on January 1st, even though they were still good for 99% of year. Seemed to me then (as it still does) that a more gradual reduction as the year goes on would make more sense. Well, what has caught my eye this year is what appears to be a complete lack of calendar options. Again, I'm not about to go out and pay full price for something, knowing full well the exact date that it is going to dramatically drop in price. (When you are rich they call this 'insider trading'. But, if you are a normal person they just call it 'being a savvy shopper'.) And while I am fully aware that waiting comes with a drop in selection, this year it has been taken to a new level, as most stores are down to the bare minimum stock. I went into it not even feeling very particular about what I was looking for, but even with lower standards, I was not being given much to work with.

Fortunately, I lucked out and found the one remaining golf calendar in that particular bookstore because my options after that were a bit grim. As near as I can tell, there are only 6 choices left if you haven't picked up a wall calendar by now:

A non-local sports team: All the Bruins, Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots calendars are long-gone. The good news is that if you like the Jets or the Steelers, you are in luck. You may even see the occasional Mavericks calendar because they won the championship. However, if you are a fan of an even more random team like the Padres you remain squarely out of luck, which feels strangely appropriate.

A collection of pictures from an artist you've never heard of: My sister was an art major and she may be hard-pressed to name some of these people. How they got entire calendars made out of their work I will never know. I can only assume the publishers figured that shoppers will buy anyone's black-and-white photos of national parks if all the Ansel Adams ones are sold out.

Ugly dogs: Ok, at the end of the day no puppies are that ugly. But, if we're being honest with one another, wouldn't you rather look at golden retriever puppies instead of baby chiuauas? Those dogs aren't cute when they are old, so as newborns they look like rats.

Bible verses: Clearly there is a market for these. There is obviously a place for a psalm about Jesus super-imposed over a photo of a lake. I'm just saying my wall isn't that place.

Exotic locations no one want to go to: Hey, we all dream about taking vacations and a little photographic inspiration might help us save some cash to make it happen. The problem is by now all the good destinations have been bought up. After all, who wants to look at pictures from Somalia for the next 366 days?

Cartoons no one reads: I hardly ever look in the comic section anymore, but I understand a few comics have become iconic over time. However, all comics are not created equal and just because something has been around a long time does not make it funny. I mean, was there a real push for a "Zippy" calendar?

Moral of this story? You probably should have gone to your local bookstore last week.

Let's Find Out Together...

2012-01-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I decided to take in a screening of the "Sherlock Holmes" sequel. Even though most of the reviews were saying that this wasn't much more than a carbon copy of the first movie, I figured it was safe for viewing because I actually liked the previous Holmes movie. To put it another way, even if the second batch of cookies isn't as good as the first one, at the end of the day you still end up with a plate of cookies. First allow me to offer my quick review: Not bad. A little too long, a little too reliant on the super-slow-motion action sequences which were a staple of the first film and not nearly as clever as the first one, but still more entertaining than most. I remember worrying that the first film was going to be too much like an action-movie to include a proper Sherlock Holmes mystery and then being pleasantly surprised when it turned out that it had several clever little twists to keep people interested. Apparently, they wasted all the good twists in the first movie, because part 2 is pretty much a straight-up action flick. It's not a bad movie, but it is simply not as good as the original.

However, as often happens when I go to the movies, the real action was taking place not on the screen but in the theater around me. You can tell the movie had been in the theaters for a couple of weeks, as we were located in the smallest room furthest from the entrance. And I do mean small. There were only 10 rows in the entire theater and only 6 of them were stadium-style seating - I didn't even know they made movies theaters this small anymore. Not that it was crowded. We were in the very last row and shared the place with 9 other people, two of whom came in after the movie had started and landed at the far right end of our row. However, that location clearly wasn't good enough for them, because after about ten minutes they decided to head to the opposite side of the row, meaning they had to cut in front of us. Normally this wouldn't bother me at the movies, but when there are only 10 people in a room I happen to believe that no one's views should ever be obstructed. They landed just a couple seats over to my left and, you guessed it, they were chatty.

I understand that people who talk during movies are always going to be a hazard. What I want is for people to pick a lane. Either talk all the time so I know to get up and move, or be quiet for long enough stretches of time that I can safely assume you just wanted to make one point to the person you were with and will be quiet from here on out. But what these two were doing was actually the most annoying thing of all: they were talking in bursts - trying to guess what was going to come next by recapping what had just happened. They would be quiet as the scene went on, but as soon as any scene with dialog would end I could hear one of them explaining to the other what had just happened and then they would guess at how the movie was going to end. Now, since they clearly didn't help to write this thing, they wouldn't be finished with this prognostication by the time the next scene started and continue to talk over the first few moments of dialog. Also, they were at an annoying volume. Either talk so loudly that I can yell at you without looking like a jerk or be so quiet that you don't bother anyone else. These two were talking just loud enough to be obnoxious, but no so loud as to get themselves ejected. It was a masterful stroke of distraction.

The thing is, it is not like they were ever going to figure the movie out. If you saw the first "Sherlock Holmes" than you know how this works: the film show you several things that may or may not mean anything in the grand scheme and it is only when you get to the end of the movie that the director reveals what was important and what should have been ignored. To sit there and try to figure out if what some random character said ends up being the key to the entire plot is a waste of time and in the end you are more likely to miss a key clue than to come up with an answer when there is another hour left in the film. Just shut up, watch the movie and enjoy the experience. Not to mention, there is no real purpose in guessing the ending of a movie. Let's say you did figure out the mystery at the center of "Sherlock Holmes". Are you going to get up and leave, confident you know the ending? Of course not. You're going to sit there and wait to see how it actually ends, just like the rest of us. The bad news for you is that since you felt the need to broadcast your hypothesis for the ending, I now know that you were way off. Better to keep your guesses to yourself because now, instead of only knowing you're annoying, I also think you're an idiot.

Find This Man A Script

2012-01-04T19:04:00.000-05:00

There are certain movies that keep popping up on my TV and I don't know why. They aren't very good, weren't critically-acclaimed and didn't make a lot of money but for some reason the cable channels insist on making them part of my life. One such movie is "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." For those of you who haven't seen it (oh you lucky, lucky few), the movie came out in 2003. The plot comes from a graphic novel in which several famous literary characters (Tom Sawyer, Dr. Jekyll, The Invisible Man and Dorian Gray, just to name a few) come together to fight a supervillain (spoiler alert: It's Sherlock Holmes's arch-nemesis, Professor Moriarty) who is intent on starting a world war. Think of it like one of those comic book cross-over episodes that were really popular in the 80s, like when the Transfomers showed up in G.I. Joe. Now, I never read the graphic novel so I wouldn't want to pass judgement on that, but the movie just didn't work. It was a little too green-screen heavy for my tastes and I've always believed that if you are going to basically film an entire movie in front of a green-screen then you should at least have pretty good special effects. This movie didn't and the entire thing suffered as a result.

Yet, for some reason channels such as FX show it roughly every two weeks. I can only assume the company owns the movie rights and are trying to make their money back through advertising sales, since they clearly aren't going to make any money with a surge of people who want to buy the DVD. Along those lines, when it was on a couple weeks ago "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" was part of FX's "DVD on TV" segment, which shows things that would normally only be found among the DVD extra (like outtakes and deleted scenes) as the movie goes to commercial. I happened to be passing by the channel during one these DVD extras, specifically an interview with Sean Connery. During the interview Sean said that he took this role because he while he didn't totally understand the script he had passed on roles in both the "Harry Potter" and "Lord of the Rings" franchises because he didn't understand those and he simply didn't want to make that mistake again. Wow. Talk about turning a bad decision into a horrible one.

Hey, we've all been in a position where we miss out on a great opportunity and when the next one comes along we latch onto it without really thinking it through just because we don't want opportunity to pass us by a second time. For example: you miss out on a chance to buy stock in Google and Facebook, so suddenly you invest a bunch of money in MySpace. It happens. No real harm, no real foul, right? At least that was what I was thinking until the last couple of days. First, for some reason the EPIX channel has been showing many of the old Bonds films in a row. Then "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" was randomly on one of the paid cable channels this afternoon. Because of this I had Sean Connery on the brain and it got me to thinking: what was the last new movie that he was in? A quick hop over to his IMDB page gave me the answer. Would you like to know the last movie that screen icon Sean Connery was in? 2003's "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." This cannot stand.

I am well aware that history is littered with fine actors in bad movie. I know that some of them even had this misfortune of dying after being in a bad movie, never knowing that it was going to be their last role. I guarantee Raul Julia never would have been in "Street Fighter" if he had known it would be his last movie. Sean Connery still has a choice. Think about all the iconic roles he has played: James Bond, Jim Malone (Untouchables), Henry Jones (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade), Marko Ramius (Hunt For Red October), William Forrester (Finding Forrester), Draco (DragonHeart), John Patrick Mason (The Rock)... (Admittedly, those last couple might only be iconic to me.) The point is, he can't go out in a crap movie like "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." Apparently Connery considers himself retired. I can only assume this is because he no longer trusts his management team and I don't blame him since they probably advised him to take that last role. But he should be pissed that his career currently appears to have ended on such a flop. There has to be one more great role for him out there somewhere. I don't care if it is nothing more than a cameo role in some ensemble film, he can't go out with that movie as the last thing on his resume. Just make one more good appearance and end on a high note. After that he can quietly retire back to wherever he is hiding out now and hopefully "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" will be replaced on my TV by something much better.

The Price Is Wrong

2012-01-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

I've always had a quiet desire to be on a game show. Specifically, I want to be on "Cash Cab". I think that it is the perfect level of game show for me: the questions are easier than "Jeopardy", the prizes money is low enough that you wouldn't feel the intense pressure of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" and you wouldn't get the scrutiny from people back home should you be unable to figure out a puzzle, because everyone thinks they are a "Wheel Of Fortune" master from the comfort of their own living room. As an added bonus, even if you get three questions wrong and get kicked out of the cab at least you got a free ride out of the deal. I've even got my strategy for finding the cab at the ready should I find myself in New York City anytime soon. But, I will tell you one game show that I hope I never find myself on - "The Price is Right." Because if today was any indication, I should never be left alone to guess the prices of items.

Recently my parents cleaned out some room in their pantry. During the reshuffling process they discovered a few household items that they decided were never going to get used ever again. (In the case of a couple of them it is dicey as to whether they were ever used in the first place.) Among the items were a pasta maker, two ice cream makers (turns out that you can actually buy those items in a store for not that much money and a whole lot less aggravation than it takes to make them yourself), as well as a few miscellaneous pots, pans and other containers. Rather than box them up for a yard sale that may or may not ever happen, they decided to simply donate them to the local Salvation Army. I figured I would help them out by bringing the box down to the donation center, but that is where the issue started. You see, the guy at the receiving door just gives you a blank sheet and tells you to write down the items and conditions of the stuff and then at the bottom you write an estimated value of your donation. The sheet is already signed, so it's not like they check your math. It's all very laid-back and vague, which was my problem.

I'm a man who needs specifics - I think too much when left to my own devices. This is why when I cook something I like the recipe to be as detailed as possible. I was full of questions. [Sidebar: Don't worry, the following questions were only asked in my head. I could tell the kid clearly wasn't interested and wouldn't have been able to answer them if I had asked.] Did they mean the value of it now, or when it was bought? What if it was bought many years ago but never opened, does that factor in? A couple of these appear to have been bought in the early 80s, so am I required to adjust for inflation? Are we talking how much the Salvation Army would be able to get when they sell it? Along those same lines, I would imagine an ice cream maker is a seasonal item and it's winter, so should I figure in a sales price or would you wait until spring to put it out on the rack? Or did they mean I should write down how much I think I would be able to get if I sold this stuff myself? Some of you guys might remember my yard sale policy: just go. Pay whatever you feel like, I clearly don't want this stuff anymore. So, if this was a yard sale I'd most likely sell the whole box for a grand total of $12. None of the answers to my questions were on the paper.

The bottom line is that I could have put any number in here and it wouldn't have mattered, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna be one of those people who lies about the value of my charitable contributions. First off, I'm the kind of guy whose taxes get randomly pulled for an audit. Secondly, exaggerating about how much you give to charity is just an invitation for karma to come and kick you in the balls. In the end I probably went a little high with how much I thought everything was worth, but not nearly as much as some of the other people who donation sheets I saw. (Really lady, you think your old TV is worth $500? You can get a brand-new flat-screen for less than that.) This experience reminded me that I am really bad at knowing how much I should be paying for stuff. Perhaps this is why I'm so awful at haggling. Either way, just remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.

An Alarming Discovery

2012-01-02T17:54:00.000-05:00

Some of you may remember a few months ago when I discovered that for almost four years I had been driving a car with a remote starter already installed without ever knowing it. Since I am apparently not very curious by nature, it was only after I thought I would be able to open the broken back door of my truck with it that I took the time to press the blue button on my car's remote hard enough to see what it actually did and was very surprised when the door remain closed but the engine came on. It was a very pleasant discovery, but not at all what I was expecting or going for. Well, much like Christopher Columbus, a couple of weeks ago I continued on my journey of discovering things by accident.

In all the time I have owned my SUV, I have never once pressed the red panic button. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. In fact, considering I went the first 30 years of my life without having to call 911 I would say it is a testament to how boring and normal my life is. Also, this probably comes from the fact I heard my previous car's alarm way too often. My last Explorer came with an alarm that was way too sensitive and I could never figure out how to adjust the settings or turn it off. Thus a basketball off the bumper, a strong breeze or any level of contact in between would make the sirens start blaring as if the car was being broken into by a whole gang of car thieves. The alarm system surrounding the Crown Jewels wish they were this good. By comparison my Mountaineer has been as pleasant and quiet as I could have hoped for. To be honest, I had moments where I doubted the car even had an alarm. At least, that was the case until I was in a parking lot a couple weeks ago and accidentally hit the panic button while putting my keys away. That was the first time I ever heard this car's alarm and I have to say: it was kind of disappointing.

My previous car alarm had been the same standard-issue alarm that had been put into every vehicle that rolled off the line in the mid-90s: the lights would start blinking as the horn went off, followed by a piercing noise that only got louder like a slide-whistle on crack, then a few back-and-forth screams like a European cop car and finally some sharp buzzes. I'm sure that you've all heard this alarm a thousand times. (In fact, I'm willing to bet most of you are hearing it in your head right now.) Well, my new alarm is much more subtle. It is just a quick line of halfhearted and subtle honks, almost as though it is trying not to make a scene. The best way to describe it would be that it sounds like the horn on the steering wheel is being punched, rapid-fire, by the world's weakest human being. It's discreet, which is a good quality to have most of the time, but not when you are trying to scare away people who intend to rob you. I mean if there was ever a time you want to people to look in your direction, that is it.

Now, I'm not saying I want to go back to the point where my car alarm is going off all the time. I'm just saying that should it need to go off I want it to be bad-ass. My last alarm was loud, obnoxious and definitely attention grabbing, which is what you want if someone is trying to steal your car. My new alarm is way too polite for what it is supposed to be doing. It is more, "Excuse me, but I don't think you're my owner, so you really shouldn't be doing this. Oh, all right. I guess I'm your car now." I'm not sure people will hear it and even if they do it probably won't cause them to investigate the situation. I want something that is going to cause people to look over, even if it is just out of annoyance. I mean, I'm all for not bothering people but not if it means I will end up walking home.

Song For 2012...

2012-01-01T13:03:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you guys are familiar with this concept by now: after the clock strikes midnight (or whenever you eventually remember to get around to it), you take a spin around the radio dial and the best song of the bunch is the your song for the year. In the interest of full disclosure, this year there might have been a couple times around. Hey, I can't help it that after midnight the pop stations only play music suitable for a rave. I don't even know where you would find a copy of the some of these remixes. And I certainly wasn't about to use a Katy Perry song for my 2012 anthem, because it is not like she is off to a great start this year.

Even more disturbing than the lack of good music on the radio was how far my "Name That Tune" skills have slipped. Like a lot of people, the radio in my car will display the song and artist that is currently playing. The stereo in my house? Not so much. As a result I found myself blanking on numerous songs until they got to the chorus. I used to be good at that game, but I think technology has spoiled me. Honestly, this song was picked not only because I happen to really like it, but because it is one of the few I recognized instantly.

Weekly Sporties

2011-12-31T13:45:00.000-05:00

-After the major league season ends it is not uncommon for baseball players to head off and play some sort of winter league season. Not only can they use this shorter season to stay in shape, but often foreign-born players use their fame to help grow the game in their native countries with some major league players even owning the team they are playing for. As long as you don't get hurt, everyone wins. Well, as long as you don't get hurt or do anything that might get you suspended for the MLB season, which is the exact situation that Texas Rangers' catcher Yorvit Torrealba is facing. Torrealba was playing in a league back in his native Venezuela when he disagreed with an ump's call. He disagreed so much that he actually punched the umpire in the face, getting himself suspended from that league for 66 games, which is the rest of this season and all of next season. People are left to wonder if he could face some discipline from Major League Baseball. Technically he wasn't representing the Rangers or MLB at the time, so some people think it is none of their concern. Personally, I don't see how they can ignore it: the video went viral and has been seen by a lot of people so they can't exactly claim ignorance of the circumstances. (I know Bud Selig isn't a fan of replay, but this may be one video he may be forced to watch.) Torrealba shouldn't get 66 games, but I can't see him getting off with nothing.

-Another fight in the news this week happened on Christmas Day (Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Men, my ass) between the Celtics' Kevin Garnett and the Knicks' Bill Walker. After Garnett missed what would have been a game-tying shot at the buzzer, he and Walker began exchanging words. After getting closer to one another, Garnett shoved Walker by the throat. Now, I'm not going to defend Garnett because his actions are indefensible. This is exactly the kind of crap he pulls all the time, which can make it hard to be a Garnett fan sometimes. He is always picking on guys who are smaller and less-famous than him and he's damn lucky he wasn't suspended for this. That being said, Walker didn't exactly help himself out either. Watch the video - after Garnett shoves him Walker is backing up with his arms above his head, like he's being robbed. He doesn't do a damn thing until his teammate grabs him by the waist, at which point now he can't wait to get his hands on Garnett. It's the classic, "I don't want to fight... I don't want to fight...You're lucky my teammates are holding me back!" And basketball players wonder why people never put them on the 'toughest athletes' list.

-I'm always slightly amused when coaches make declarations about events several years in the future. Most of these guys can't promise where they will be in a year and we're supposed to think they have a plan mapped out for five years down the road? That is why I found it so interesting when Rick Pitino announced that after his current contract with Louisville expires in 2017 he'll be retiring. All this tells me is that Rick Pitino will be coaching somewhere else in 2019. First off, Pitino doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who has a ton of outside hobbies. I know he owns horses, but I can't see him spending his days at the stables. My guess is that he is starting to get itchy at Louisville and figures this is the best way to not sign a contract extension without it becoming a news story. His son is already at the school as the associate coach and I'm sure it is only a matter of time before they set up a line of succession, like Bobby Knight did with his son down at Texas Tech. Then Rick will do some TV and he'll be back on the sidelines within a couple years someplace else. I'm not sure if he'll try and find a bigger school to coach at, but I do know this much: it won't be a job in the NBA.

-Judging by the uptick in people showing up on a specific older post, many people are interested in the blood transfusion that Kobe Bryant had a couple months back. For those of you who don't remember it, Kobe flew to Germany to meet with a doctor who performed this procedure in which they take blood from one part of your body, put it into a centrifuge to get the blood's natural healing proteins stimulated and then inject the blood back into the patient's problem area. It is supposed to be a miracle of modern science. At the time I said that while the entire thing seems futuristic and a bit shady it was cleared by every league involved, so it must be on the up-and-up. However, that was before this week, when it was revealed that Yankees' slugger Alex Rodriguez had the same procedure done, allegedly at the recommendation of Kobe. I am now fully convinced that this is just a new way to inject steroids into an athlete's body without getting caught. Sorry, but there is a tipping point I have where the scales of suspicion surrounding any slightly shady medical procedure slide from "Yeah, it's probably legit" to "Nope, I'm pretty sure they're cheating." That tipping point typically is the moment Alex Rodriguez gets involved. Some people simply don't get the benefit of the doubt anymore.

-Since we've just talked about two athletes I can't stand, let's get the trifecta out of the way. After months of saying how he was ready to come back and had interest from numerous NFL teams, this week it was announced that former 49er/Eagle/Cowboy/Bill and Bengal Terrell Owens is close to signing with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League. Let me say that again: the Indoor Football League. That's not even the Arena League. This isn't even like a guy trying to hitch on for one last season by signing with a AAA team, this would be more akin to a guy signing with an Independent League team. Now, allegedly this offer comes not only with a contract in the mid-six figure range, but will also include part-ownership of the team. That sounds great, but I've seen teams like this before: they come and go on a whim and even when they are still in operation there is no guarantee they are making any money. It is not like he was offered ownership of an NFL franchise here. I know I shouldn't expect Owens, a veteran of reality TV, to have the common sense to know when it is time to walk away, but you would hope someone in his inner circle would be able to get to him and let him know how bad this looks. He's already going to have a hard time making the Hall of Fame based on all the bridges he's burned, adding on the memory of him running around some indoor league isn't going to help his cause.

-Every year I tell myself that I don't care about all these meaningless college football bowl games and that this is the year I stop watching games between two teams I didn't want to see when it counted for something. Yet, every year I end up watching more of the Music City Bowl than most of the alumni of the schools involved. I can't help it. But, there is one thing we can help and that is stopping the charade surrounding the Gatorade bath. I like the tradition of it, I just don't like trying to hide that it is about to happen. Near the conclusion of every bowl the winning seniors gather around the Gatorade bucket along with about 6 camera people and everyone tries to look as inconspicuous as possible. Of course, by trying to look natural they do nothing but stick out worse than normal. Meanwhile the coach has to pretend he doesn't see this collection of about 20 large human beings and act surprised when they finally drench him with cold water. It has all the sincerity of pretending I can't find one of my nieces during a game of hide-and-go-seek when she has chosen to hide in plain sight. Look, the coach knows it is coming and unless you're playing in some unseasonably cold weather he's probably looking forward to it. Stop trying to be slick, boys, because you're not fooling anyone.

-One of the bowls I tuned it to last night was the Insight Bowl. Now, I missed seeing this happen live, but during the game the overhead sky-cam malfunctioned and crashed onto the field. For those of you unfamiliar with the technology, the sky-cam is a camera on a wire system which hovers over the field and gives us some great views of the game. It is the only thing positive thing the XFL ever produced. (Sorry, He Hate Me.) Luckily, no one was hurt. Actually, I think the more amazing thing is that this hasn't happened before yesterday. As with any piece of technology it has a ton of moving parts and plenty of places for things to break off, so the fact that this is the first incident of this happening is kind of amazing. Still, this is what happens when you get to some of these lower-level bowl games. If you're not getting the A, B or C team doing the broadcast how can you expect the best crew behind the scenes. They probably had an intern working that camera. I'm gonna guess they will have the regulars in place by the Fiesta Bowl.

Commentary Comments

2011-12-30T18:38:00.000-05:00

In what I'm sure is an attempt to build up some good-will with fans after this offseason's lockout, the NBA has been offering a free, extended look at their League Pass TV package, which allows you to see every game, every night. (For the NBA fans out there who are interested, the free look goes until January 8th.) It may only be a two-week preview for a 6-month season, but for as compressed as the season is going to be, that is a lot of free basketball. Personally, I've thoroughly enjoyed this (not enough to order it for the rest of the season but, you know, I appreciate the effort). What has been really interesting is the fact that for most games you can choose whether you want to hear the home or away announce team. It is always funny to hear two perspectives of the exact same play. However, it has brought to my attention that there are a lot of bad basketball announcers out there.

Granted, after growing up listening to Tommy Heinsohn and Mike Gorman call basketball games, I'm probably a little spoiled. So, as those two embark on their 31st year as a broadcasting team, I figured I would help the other announce teams around the league with a few tips. (And for those of you who might be new to this blog I am actually qualified to offer these tips. I won an Associated Press Award for my color commentary work. Sure, it was for football, the principles carry over.) Besides, it is not as though this is brain surgery.

-Pay Attention: This one seems rather basic, but in listening to some of these guys this week it should not be taken for granted. Just know the score, how much time is left, how many timeouts each team has left and who is on the floor. You will be amazed at how much easier your job is when you know what is going on.

-Know Everyone's Name: I'm not even going to go crazy and ask that they know the other team's roster, just their own. Again, this seems like something they'd already be aware of, but you'd be shocked at how many announcers aren't sure how to pronounce the names of the guys on the team. I know that there has been an influx of foreign-born players into the league the last decade, but these guys spend enough time together on charters and such that you'd think they would pick it up by accident. And if it is not working, at least they could take thirty seconds to come up with a nickname that they can give the guy. Once the fans start calling them by that nickname you don't have to worry what the player's name actually is.

-Bias, Not Homerism: There is a fine line between favoring one team over another and blatantly ignoring reality. The good announcers can pull this off, but when it is bad it is really bad. You see, Tommy Heinsohn might want the Celtics to win and he clearly roots for them. That is to be expected when someone has worked for an organization for 50 years. I would expect nothing less from any former player who is now in the broadcast booth. Besides, when you're doing the local broadcast the fans want to hear things with a hometown-bias. However, that doesn't mean you can ignore facts. When a member of the Celtics messes up, Heinsohn will call them on it and I would want any announcer to do that. If the broadcast is nothing but excuses and justifications, it takes on the feel of parents watching their kids play in a soccer game. No one wants to listen to that.

-Tell Me Something I Don't Know: Admittedly, if you read the first two suggestions, I'm aiming for the moon with this one. But, wouldn't it be nice if someone who played in the league for a long time (as color commentators often are) actually said something that wasn't obvious to people who didn't play the game beyond intramural leagues? Oh, the team that is down 3 with 2 seconds left, is going to have to draw up a play that gets someone a look at a three-pointer? Thank God you're here, cause I never would have known that otherwise. I'm not saying you have to break down every situation in amazing detail that would blow my mind, but if you're not speaking in anything beyond cliches then you aren't bringing anything to the broadcast.

Let Them Finish

2011-12-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

As loyal readers know, I resist tuning in to TV shows if everyone has been telling me how I have to start watching them. But, facing cold nights full of re-runs I finally got around to starting the Showtime program, "Homeland". Now, it's not a bad show, but hardly the groundbreaking, change-my-life phenomenon I had been told it would be. It was very well-acted and for the most part well-written, even if it did suffer the fate that a lot of shows that are on premium cable suffer: starts really well and then fades throughout the season, ultimately ending unsatisfactorily. Actually, in the case of "Homeland" it hardly ends at all, which is the point of this post. Watching the season you can almost tell the exact episode in which the writers were informed they had been picked up for a second season and were forced to scramble to come up with a new ending for this season as well as a new way to keep the drama going for next season. Let me be among the first to say I find this totally unnecessary.

Of course, "Homeland" is hardly the only show this has happened to. This season's "Sons of Anarchy" finale seemed rather disjointed (this is my favorite show, so you have no idea how much it pains me to write this), because it felt as if the entire season was building towards a climax, only to see the show given another season fairly late and the writers couldn't come up with a clean way to extend the drama for another 13 episodes. It was really unsatisfying. Of course that ending felt smooth when compared to the show "The Killing" which spent the entire year following the investigation into the murder of one girl and then ended the season without revealing who the killer was. It probably didn't help that the show's producer then went on the offensive after all the complaining and told the show's fans they were never promised an ending, which pretty much pissed off all the people who had watched and in the process guaranteed there won't be a third season because the rating are going to now plummet.

Now, "The Killing" was based off a Dutch show that lasted for two season, but each season had a totally different cast and case. I don't watch a ton of BBC, but I will say this about them and other European shows: when they declare that something is a one-season event, they mean it. There is no scramble to come up with enough ideas to make it through a second season. They either go in a totally different direction or don't even bother to have more episodes. There is something admirable about that. I mean, I get why channels would want to keep a successful show like these going: they are easy to make, the DVD sales bring in a ton of money and they are always the darlings of the awards ceremonies, which means the network can brag about all their award-winning programs. But, that doesn't mean they should automatically be giving every show another season. Occasionally, these shows would be better served quitting while they were ahead. Not every movie needs a sequel and that goes double for TV shows. I look at a show like "Nurse Jackie": amazing first season, everyone hated the second one and I wasn't even aware there was a third season until I Googled it a minute ago out of curiosity.

Obviously, I've never written for a critically acclaimed show on a major network, so I don't know how hard it would be to walk away from an opportunity like this. But, I'm willing to bet that even some of the creators of these shows aren't happy with the decisions they have to make just to make it to through another season they weren't expecting to have to write. Personally, I would much rather see these writers be given deals to develop a new show instead of trying to continually extend one idea for six seasons. (I don't care that a cable show is 13 episodes and a major network show is 24, trying to string anything out that long is going to get repetitive soon enough.) At some point both the writers and producers need to simply cut bait and decide on an end-date, because if you don't you run the risk of getting to the point where no one cares how your show ends. I know I would much rather have people bummed that my TV show was ending instead of saying, "Wait, is that still on the air?" Just remember this: it is always better to go out one year too early instead of staying one year too long. And if you don't believe me, ask the cast of "That 70's Show."

Don't Encourage Them

2011-12-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

As I have stated before, I have no problem with people who get their exercise by riding a bike down the side of the street, provided that they stay off to the side. After all, biking is great exercise. But it is when they decided that they have an equal right to the road as a person in a car that we start to have an issue, because I don't care how fast you may think you are pedaling, you aren't going to be able to reach the pace set by my V8 engine. Once I have to slow down because some bicyclist thinks they are capable of pedaling at 35 mph, then I begin to get annoyed. You get out of my way, I'll stay out of the bike lane and we'll get along just fine. [Sidebar: I do have a note for the people who feel the need to bike to work - you reek. I appreciate that you may want to save gas, but find a place to shower after you arrive or start taking the bus.] Still, I'd rather you ride an actual bike than the thing I'm about to talk about.

For the past couple of weeks I have been repeatedly seeing a commercial for a new, hardcore exercise bike. It is the official training bike of the Tour de France and is powered by Google Maps. What this bikes does is allow you to virtually bike the stages of the Tour. As you are going along the bike will tilt up or down and the resistance of the pedals will change based on the actual roads in France, which you can watch roll by on a screen thanks to Google Street View. It is the closest you can get to really being there. (Quick note: the bike costs $1,500. You could actually go to France for that price.) At first glance this seems like a really good idea. Incorporating video games and exercise is the wave of the future and might be the thing that finally stems the childhood obesity problem. Plus, people are competitive by nature. The gym I used to belong to had a virtual rowing machine where you raced a computer and that machine always had a line, even if there were other open rowing machines. So, giving people a chance to post times and compare them to the professionals is just going to spur them to do better and better. But, when you stop and take a closer look at the commercial it stops being innovative and starts getting a little sad.

First off, everyone in the commercial is wearing one of those official Tour de France-style biking shirts (of course, they are yellow). Now, I already make fun of people who wear those on the road, do you really think it is necessary to wear one when biking in your home? I ride a stationary bike every morning and I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those things. And, just in case you think it was a set-up for the commercial, they brought one of these bikes to a stage of the Tour to have fans try it out and all of them were wearing one of these too-tight bike shirts. I'm sorry, is it really very important to be aerodynamic when watching people ride bikes? I know fans wear football jerseys to watch Patriots' games, but this would be more like showing up to Gillette in full pads. At some point you just have to back off the fandom.

Look, I get it: exercising is more fun when you have something to train for, even if that something is a race that isn't taking place anywhere but your mind. Plus, biking is a really easy thing that everyone thinks they could be excellent at if they just dedicated themselves to it. But, jees, you don't have to actually dress like it is about to happen. When I break out my little practice surface to work on my putts in my bedroom in my mind I may be mentally lining up a putt to win the Masters, but you still won't see me putting on my spikes. It makes me worry that these bicyclists are the same people who dressed up to play D&D in high school and are really thankful to finally have another outlet for their costume desires as an adult. If that is the case I plan to start giving them all extra room as we travel down the street together, because for all I know they are carrying some broadsword they bought at ComicCon on the frame. Then again, swords might actually get me to watch the Tour de France this year.

Strikes One And Two

2011-12-27T19:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not always quick to pick up new technology myself, so I try not to judge people who have trouble figuring out gizmos too harshly. Hey, sometimes those directions are very poorly-written. Besides, I know plenty of smart people who can't figure out how to program their DVRs and I also know quite a few morons who could probably figure out how to call in a missile strike using nothing but their iPhones. I also want to make this clear - it is not an age issue. There are people in their 80s who can use an iPad for just about anything and people in their 20s who don't know how to text. All I'm trying to say is that technology comes really easy to some and not to others. My point is that you can't judge how smart a person is by one incident with an automated machine. Two, however, can be really telling.

This afternoon I was in the grocery store and waiting to use the self-checkout because after a week of Christmas shopping I have had quite enough of people commenting on the items I am buying. ("Oh, buying nothing but Diet Pepsi? Someone must be thirsty!" No, it's just on sale, lady.) The reason I had to wait was that of the three self-checkout lines one machine was in use, the other was out of order and the third was currently being clogged by someone who was having an issue. The woman having trouble with her machine looked young enough that you would have expected her to have some tech-savvy, but she was also cute enough that she might also have been able to get through life simply by batting her eyelashes and have someone do everything for her, which was happening now. Some guy who I assume was the manager was in the process of helping her to scan and pay for her two items, because it wasn't taking her card. [Sidebar: we'll leave the comments about how her items were Red Bull and potato chips as well as my thoughts about her paying for two items with a credit card for another time.] By the time they finally figured out the problem I was at the now-empty third machine and well on my way to completing my transaction.

Normally this would be the end of the story, but as I headed to my car I notice the woman was parked in the same aisle as me. She was starting to pull out of her spot just as I got to my car and that was when I noticed the second item she appeared to have trouble operating: her car. Her vehicle not only had a section which was a different color from the rest of the car (which means it had been replaced, but not yet painted), it also had a series of dents and scrapes that extended pretty much from headlight to taillight. Making it even worse was that there were gaps between the dents, which means it wasn't like she sideswiped one thing or had one accident - these dents all appeared to have been done at separate times, so this was a series of unfortunate events. And as I watched her need a five-point turn to pull out of her parking spot I was suddenly very glad she was not parked any closer to me, otherwise I could have ended up another dent in her bumper.

Now I'm not trying to make any grand assumptions about this particular woman's level of intelligence, I'm simply pointing out that it didn't look good for her in that moment. It is one thing to have an issue with a machine that probably has nothing to do with your job or everyday life (even if the fact remains we aren't talking about a complex program here), but to immediately show me that you are also a pretty bad driver doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. My advice would be to space out these kinds of technology failures by either using a register with a cashier or having a friend drive you to the store. That way you might still be failing at both things, but it won't happen in such a short span of time.

Put A Stamp On It!

2011-12-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I'm totally mailing today's post in. The problem is that this blog is made up of about 95% snark and it's really hard to be snarky about Christmas. I had a wonderful day and I hope you did as well. Anyway, to make up for it, we're presenting a very special holiday edition of one of my favorite web series...

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to take

a second to say...

I hope everyone is having a

great holiday!

Now, as you probably guessed, this week's musical interlude was pretty easy to come up with. It's not one song - it's a bunch. I try not to get into the holiday music too early, because that is when you get sick of it. And I can totally understand why you would, because there are only around 60 Christmas songs to choose from and listening to the same 60 songs for a month can get irritating. (Seriously, why can't any artist today produce an original holiday song that makes the rotation?) That's why I'm pretty sure this playlist contains every holiday song I like. Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

Weekly Sporties

2011-12-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

-You know, I write about this almost every year, but I just want to say again how much I don't like it that professional sports have tried to take over Christmas. It's not that I feel particularly bad for the players, but I think it sucks for the people who work at the stadiums, because they certainly aren't making millions of dollars. I don't know when the NBA got it in their heads that they should treat Christmas the same way the football treats Thanksgiving, but personally it just feels wrong to me - especially this year, when Christmas Day is also the start of the season. First off, I'm as huge an NBA fan as you are going to find and I probably will watch about 20 minutes of games all day long. Sorry, I've got things to do (and this is coming from a guy who thinks Celtics Opening Night should be the actual holiday). However, I will tell what I am a fan of: sports the day before holidays. I know this sounds weird, but knowing that my Christmas Eve afternoon is going to be swallowed whole by the NFL has made me incredibly efficient. It is almost as if I have one fewer day to work with. As you read this my presents are bought, wrapped and ready to go under the tree. Normally wrapping is the last thing I do, but not with RedZone in my life. If the NBA moved all the big games to Christmas Eve then they may be on to something.

-After being the worst team in football for much of the year, the Indianapolis Colts are getting hot at just the wrong time, having won two games in a row. You see, when they were far and away the worst team they had the best chance to get the first pick in the draft and take Standford's Andrew Luck, who is considered by many to be the best quarterback prospect in decades and the kind of player who could help stabilize a franchise for the foreseeable future. But instead of running away with the first selection, they are currently tied for the pick with two other teams, Minnesota and St. Louis. Now, if all three teams lose their remaining games the Colts still wind up with the pick thanks to the strength of schedule tiebreaker. However this week they are playing Jacksonville, a team that, despite having more wins, is probably worse than the Colts. Also, they play in the same division which means it would actually be smarter for the Jaguars to lose and thus keep themselves from having to face Luck twice a year for the next decade. Basically, it set up that neither team wants to win this game. But, despite that fact it will still get a huge rating in Indianapolis. Behold the power of the NFL.

-Every year a poll is done of the least-popular NBA players. Typically the list is headed by guys like Kobe Bryant and LeBron James - you know, guys that either win a lot or get a lot of attention despite not winning. The list could almost be renamed the "who are people the most jealous of" because that is closer to the truth. However, this year the list was topped by former Kardashian husband, Kris Humphries. I was stunned by this because Humphries wasn't even in the league when the poll was conducted (he was just re-signed by the Nets a couple days ago and only got a 1-years deal despite being one of the better rebounders in the NBA). Given that the other NBA player married to a Kardashian (Lamar Odom) showed up on the list at #5, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that Humphries is unpopular, but all the way up to #1? And clearly the poll was accurate, because when Humphries first checked into a game the other night he received the loudest boos heard all preseason. You know, when they first got engaged I remember writing that this was going to really hurt Kris's chances to sign with a contending NBA team, I didn't think it would hurt his chances of catching on anywhere. If this doesn't make athletes swear off reality-TV stars as wives, nothing will.

-When new Buckeyes coach Urban Meyer took the job at Ohio State, he said that he thought all the problems caused by the tattoos-for-jerseys scandal was behind them. Well, he was a little premature in that assessment, because during the week the NCAA came down with more sanctions on the school, including a few lost scholarships and no bowl appearances for the 2012 season. Meyer said he was very disappointed in the ruling. Personally, I don't buy it. Coaching college football is such a high-pressure job that I wouldn't be stunned to learn that Meyer was actually thrilled with not having any expectations for his first year at the school. Ohio State is one of those institutions where the fans expect them to not only contend for the Big 10 Championship year-in and year-out, but to also be a contender for the National Championship. Now Meyer gets a year to check out his talent level, see what roster changes he wants to make and basically spend next year experimenting with no repercussion. Of course they won't be happy if they team plays badly, but it's not like they can go to a bowl regardless of their record, so you may as well get your bad year of the way early and when it won't really count.

-Speaking of coaches getting sanctioned by the NCAA, Georgia coach Mark Richt got a letter of admonishment from the NCAA after it was revealed that he was paying people out of his own pocket. No, he wasn't paying players or recruits. He wasn't even paying one of those shady "recruiting specialist" to guide certain players to UGA. No, Mark Richt was paying his own coaches. Richt was covering expenses that school couldn't or wouldn't, such as bowl bonuses for trainers and strength coaches, who are not technically members of the coaching staff. He also paid out a bonus which normally goes to coaches who have been at the school for 5 years to an assistant who left just short of his fifth anniversary at the school, covered the difference when one of his assistants opted to stay at Georgia instead of taking a higher-paying job at another school and gave money to another former assistant who was having trouble finding a new job after his severance package ended. For this he gets an official warning from the NCAA and was told to stop immediately or face tougher penalties. You know, considering all the extra curricular activities that have come out at other universities this year, maybe the NCAA should spend their days worrying about bigger things. I'm just saying.

-Early in the week the Texas Ranger won the bidding war for the exclusive rights to negotiate with the team that has Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish on its roster. The Rangers paid $51.7 million just to talk with the Ham Fighters (yes, really) and try to work out a deal to bring Darvish to Texas in the next 30 days. Now, whatever you think of the prospects of Japanese pitchers coming to America (as a Red Sox fan who watched most of the Dice-K era I'll just say I am not heartbroken that the Sox were apparently out-bid. Actually, I'm not even sure how serious their interest was, which should make Rangers fans a little nervous.), you just have to love the bidding process that goes into this kind of stuff. It's like a giant eBay auction come to life. I just have visions of Nolan Ryan sitting in his office as the deadline to bid drew closer, "$50 million should be enough... Wait, round numbers are bad. Better make it $51... No, everyone is going to go think of that... $51.5. That'll be the perfect amount.... But what if I'm not the only person who adds a little extra?... I know, $51.7! Extra on top of the extra! I'm a genius!" I just hope Darvish works out for them, because it's not like they can get back at the Ham Fighters by giving them a bad seller rating.

-The weirdest story of the week came from the world of Dutch Professional Soccer. AZ Alkmaar was playing against Ajax when a ~~crazed~~ drunk Ajax fan ran onto the pitch and attempted a flying drop kick at Alkmaar keeper Esteban Alvarado. Alvarado sidestepped the would-be attacker and gave him a few swift kicks while he was lying on the ground. You would think that European soccer officials would appreciate his toughness, but instead Alvarado was given a red card by the referee, which means he was ejected. AZ Alkmaar responded to this by walking off the pitch (rightly so, at least in my mind) and refusing to play the rest of the game because they feared for their safety (don't know where they got that idea). The referee later explained that he issued the card for misconduct, saying that Alvarado could have walked away and kicking the man while he on the ground was unnecessary. (Apparently we're ignoring the fact that the guy had no right to be on the field.) Now, I'm not going to pretend I get soccer and I'm not going to pretend I get European Soccer hooliganism. But when people running onto the field is so common that you have started to afford them rights as a normal part of the game that sounds like a security issue to me. I'm just left to wonder: if the drunken idiot has a weapon, can you defend yourself then or will that still get you a yellow card?

Pumped-Up

2011-12-23T19:43:00.000-05:00

When it comes to activities I would rather not be doing, standing in lines ranks somewhere between water torture and seeing any of the "Twilight" films. (For those of you keeping track, the "Twilight" films are the most painful of those three options.) So, as you can imagine, this has not been a particularly good week for me. But, I understand it is a necessary evil when it comes to this time of year and I frankly have no one to blame but myself for it. I could just have easily gone shopping earlier and avoided the crowds, or shopped online and avoided human contact all together. But, I procrastinated and wanted to actually check out the things I was buying in person, so I stood in lines and I managed to make it through relatively unscathed. However, I would hardly say I enjoyed the experience and I don't know of anyone who would, which makes the fact that some people choose to form a line when there doesn't need to be one all the more puzzling.

I was gassing up my truck yesterday at one of the bigger gas stations on the highway. It had 12 pumps to choose from (I know this because I was at pump 12), only two of which were occupied when I pulled in. So you can imagine my surprise when I go in to pay and come out to find another car sitting behind my truck, waiting for me to leave. I tried to convey to this person that I just got there and hadn't gotten my gas yet, but they didn't seem particularly interested in what I was trying to say and just sat there. I was confused by this because, like I said, there were 9 other pumps they could have used. I could see that their gas tank was on the same side as it is on my truck, but they could have very easily gone around to a pump on the other side without much trouble. It wasn't as if I was blocking them from getting by. And if you're too lazy to drive to another pump I'm left to wonder how you made it to the car in the morning. Apparently, this guy just wanted to hang out behind me.

I was content to simply chalk it up to the driver being weird. Maybe he's superstitious and 12 is his lucky number or he's just a huge Tom Brady fan? Perhaps this particular pump has the sentimental meaning to him or he has a theory about the pump being furthest from the station having the freshest gas? It could be that he likes the view of the road from here or thinks that because the pump is closest to the tank it has the most pressure behind it, so you get a little more gas than you would at any of the other pumps? All of these theories ran through my mind as I watch the dial count off my 10 gallons of gas. But what caused this encounter to go from mildly interesting to worthy of a blog post was when I went back in to grab a soda (last-second decision) and the guy threw up his arms in frustration and annoyance. Oh, I'm sorry, am I making you wait longer than you never had to?

I have very few hard-and-fast rules in my life, but one of them is that you can't get mad at someone if they inconvenience you and it is your fault. If you have some strange hang-up which only bothers you then you can't get pissed at a total stranger who doesn't know the rules. I told this guy I just started pumping my gas. As far as I'm concerned, that was the end of our social contract. If you choose to still wait for this one particular machine to come open, you will wait as long as I damn well feel like making you wait. While picking out my drink I had a quick thought about washing my windows, just to be an extra bit of a jerk. Of course I didn't because I'm non-confrontational by nature, it's the week of Christmas so why be a jerk and I've seen the movie "Duel". Instead I just got into my truck and drove away, thoroughly confused by the entire episode. I can only hope the guy's gas was worth the wait.

It's More Like A Suggestion

2011-12-22T19:46:00.002-05:00

I like to think of myself as a pretty safe driver. Actually, when compared to most of the other drivers on the road these days, I should almost get a medal for my safe driving. Yes, I go over the speed limit on several occasions, but I always use my turn signal when changing lanes and after a few months of nagging from my nieces, I now religiously wear my seat belt. I don't text while driving and rarely even use my cellphone unless it is an important issue. However, sometimes you just can't help but break a traffic law. Much like golf, I happen to think that there are some rules of the road that are far too antiquated to be taken seriously. Sometimes it just comes down to nothing more than a judgement call.

There have been a lot of new constructions projects going on around my town. Several new buildings have sprung up, which would be a good thing if it didn't seem as though every shopping complex also needs an exclusive traffic light out front. Because of this one road cutting through my town now has a light every hundred feet. If that wasn't bad enough some of them feature a second light about 50 feet back from the new light, because apparently people no longer have the ability to merge from a parking lot onto any street without a green light telling them it is safe to do so. Now, usually it wouldn't be so bad as I would just turn away from that street and take the back roads which have fewer lights. But the neighborhoods behind these new buildings don't want an increase in traffic going through them and as a result a lot of these parking lots come equipped with signs that tell you that you are not allowed to turn left down the residential streets. Some even build concrete guides into the road that force you in a certain direction. What they want you to do instead is either loop around the entire complex or be funneled back to the main road with all the lights.

First off, I totally understand where these people are coming from. There are a lot of irresponsible drivers out there and I certainly wouldn't want more and more of them barreling down my street. Increased traffic means an increased chance of someone causing an accident near your property. Plus, not only is at an issue of safety but quality of living. No one wants headlights shining into their living rooms at all hours or to have massive trucks driving by early in the mornings as they head to make deliveries to these businesses. I can totally see why they lobbied to get a sign like that put into place when the new complex was under construction. But on the other side of the argument, I don't live there and going the long way around takes a lot more time. Let's be honest, these people don't care about keeping their neighborhood safe - just the street they live on. It's not like forcing traffic down to the next street is going to make the reckless drivers any safer. All they are doing is making it the next street over's problem. So I almost always make the turn, signs be damned.

To be fair, I doubt I'm the person they are targeting when they make traffic laws like this. My truck is not very loud and I don't go charging up and down the road all day long. That is why I think signs like this should be a little more suggestive. How about next to the standard left turn arrow with a slash through it, you throw a question mark on there? Or perhaps the slash isn't the standard dark red, but a lighter pink signifying that it's not a hard and fast no? You know, sort of a "We'd rather you didn't, but if you can make it safely then go for it" kind of thing? If anything it will help get me home faster and that will be another car off the road, which means one less car that people will have to worry about merging with. I can only assume that is a good thing, because with the way the traffic lights are going up in this town it is only a matter of time before they put one at the end of my driveway.

Upgrade Or Else

2011-12-21T19:46:00.003-05:00

I've never been the kind of person who needs to have the latest and greatest gadget. I like technology and toys, but I don't have to run out and camp in front of a store overnight to get it. I am fully capable of having an iPod that is a few generations old and not really feeling like I am somehow less involved in the world. However, I am finding that stores are starting to make it harder and harder to keep going with this feeling, because it seems like the second a new piece of technology comes out they stop selling anything related to the older stuff. It is almost as though if you don't have the newest thing you may as well no longer shop there. I get that the world of electronics is constantly moving forward, but just because something new and shiny has come along that doesn't mean the last versions of a product have all suddenly ceased to exist.

The way that I noticed this was I went looking for a replacement to something I bought not that many years ago. Business don't even try to keep products relating to the old stuff around. Have you ever tried to fix any piece of electronics that is more than a couple years old? My iPod battery suddenly doesn't want to hold a charge for very long anymore. But, I like this iPod. It holds enough music, can play videos if I feel like it (though, I never do) and other than the battery issue it works just fine. So, when I was passing an Apple store the other day I went in and asked about getting the battery fixed. The kid couldn't understand why I didn't just want to upgrade to a newer iPod. I tried to explain to him that it had everything I wanted and I didn't feel the need to upgrade to something that had a bunch of features I am never going to use. I may as well been telling the kid working behind the counter that I thought cameras would steal my soul.

And it is not just hardware. It's everything. As soon as the new stuff comes out the old ones should be tossed away. I have been having a computer issue the last couple of days. It's Internet-related, so there is nothing I can really do to fix it on my end - I am at the mercy of the people who do the programming. So, I sent along an email to the support team for this particular website and asked when I might expect the thing to return to normal. I was told that they were working on the problem, but in the meantime, how about I just use their new interface? In other words: "We aren't really working on fixing the old stuff, so just suck it up and start using the new program. Oh, but don't get too attached to that format either, because we'll be switching to yet another program in 6 months."

I'm trying not to get too angry-old-man on you, but it's really frustrating. Look, I get that things go out of style and that eventually it isn't cost-effective to keep producing parts for something no one is going to buy. Also, it makes good business sense to stop making products to force people to go out and buy the newer, more expensive version of your product. After all, there is a reason they stopped putting movies out on VHS. But even the accessories are impossible to find. I'm not looking for parts for a Ford Edsal here. Besides, wouldn't it be smart to keep a few items around, just in case they come back around in popularity? Hell, they still make record-player needles and records were four formats ago. So I'm sure it's just a matter of time before everything that was old is new again. In the mean time, would it kill you to keep a few older-generation iPods around, just for parts?

Thoughts From A Mall...

2011-12-20T18:53:00.003-05:00

-As I have no offspring (that I know of, right fellas?), I'm not about to sit here and tell another person how they should raise their child. But, that doesn't mean I can't sit back and silently judge the job they are doing. For example, if you are the kind of parent who takes your kid up and down every single aisle of a toy department, letting them touch and play with every toy that is not in a box, you can not act shocked when the kid begins to flip out that they aren't getting anything to bring home. It would be like someone allowing you to test drive every sports car on the lot and then being forced to slink back to your Gremlin. Now, as an adult I would hope that people have learned not to tease themselves with such things, but apparently some parents expect this maturity to trickle down to their kids. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 5 years it would be to not expect maturity from children. If I know that and yet a parent doesn't then clearly they missed a class somewhere along the way.

-When you spend as much time around the members of my family as I do, you can begin to forget that we are an above-average group, height-wise. So, every now and again I appreciate the ego boost of being released out into the general public and not being the smallest guy in the room. I was standing in line and filling in the 50 feet in front of me was a group of various humans, none of whom came up to my chest. I could see clear to the checkout counter without so much as a hat in my way. It was kind of nice to feel tall until the next time I was in a room with my brother.

-I went into my shopping with a few very specific targets. The problem with this mindset is that you tend to buy the first item that meets the criteria of the thing you are looking for and that's not always the way to go. Yesterday I was looking for a very specific type of toy for one of my nieces and when I found what I was looking for I was very quick to snap it up. The problem was that I found a better one a couple of hours later. This has now made me gun shy. This morning I saw a great toy for my nephew but since it was the first store I went into I was convinced I would find something better in short order. Several stores and hours later I still hadn't topped that first idea. Never go against your instincts. [Sidebar: why the hell the one-year old is the hardest to buy for I will never know.]

-In the last couple of years the new trend in malls has been the pop-up stores that are only around for the holidays. I assume it is a win-win for everyone as the mall gets a couple months rent and the tenant can make a few extra bucks burning off some inventory. However, this year I have noticed that at some malls they have pop-up "stores" out in the middle of everything. It's not like the kiosks, either. These aren't much more than a couple folding tables up against the railings on the second floor. First off, that's valuable walking space and you're just causing congestion. (At least make a path so I can get my Auntie Annie's Pretzel.) I know that times are tough and you would rather have a storefront, but if that is your goal might I suggest a wider selection of merchandise than movie posters, wrestling masks and old concert tee-shirts. That's not a pop-up store: it's a yard sale.

Basket Case

2011-12-19T18:20:00.002-05:00

Whenever I do any shopping, I tend to stick with the hand-held baskets over the huge shopping carts. First of all, I rarely need to buy that much stuff and even if I do find myself needing a lot of things I make it work. Secondly, you get a little workout with the baskets. If you push the limits of how much product you place in them you can do some curls while waiting in line and really feel the burn. But, the main reasons that baskets are the way to go instead of carts is they take up far less room. I like to have the maneuverability of the shopping basket, as you can slide in and out of tight spots easier and you don't have to worry about clogging up entire lanes of the store while you try and decided which item you want to purchase. At no time is the advantage of baskets more clear then during Christmas shopping time in a big department store.

I was in Target this morning trying to get a heap of shopping done in one swoop (I failed, but more on that some other time). Buoyed by the (misplaced) optimism that comes from knowing you are about to hit the proverbial present jackpot, I skipped the basket and went with the cart to carry all the treasures I was sure I was about to find. The signs that I should have stuck with my normal routine showed themselves pretty early. Now, I don't know when it happened, but at some point Target switched to a real heavy duty shopping cart. While that seems like a good idea, they are a good bit wider than the old carts. Like so wide that you can't fit two of them down an aisle at the same time. Or like so wide that when there was a pole in one aisle I couldn't go down it and instead had to leave the cart at the end, like a car waiting for a bank robber. Width of carts versus width of aisles seems like the kind of detail that someone should have checked out before the company bought hundreds of thousands of these carts.

But, I think the main reason the shopping carts were on my nerves this morning was the people standing behind them. All the worst kind of shoppers were out in force today: the people who block the entire aisle with their carts while texting instead of moving, the ones who come shooting out of the aisle without looking, hit you and expect you to say 'excuse me' to them and of course the ones who let their little kids push the carts, because that always ends well for the other shoppers' Achilles tendons. There was even one woman who left her cart in the center of the section and then walked every aisle before bringing toys to her cart through several individual trips. I couldn't tell if the wheels on her cart were screwed up or if she just didn't know how shopping actually works.

After two or three trips around the store with only two items to show for it I decided that not only did I not need a cart, I probably didn't even need a basket. My hopes of getting everything I needed for Christmas from one location (which, really, is every one's dream), I returned the cart to the front of the store and started just walking around with my few items under my arm. While that didn't suddenly change my mojo, allowing me to miraculously find the rest of the items on my list, it did get me into a couple aisles I couldn't go down with a cart and allowed me to notice a couple different gift ideas the next time I circled. I'm far from done with my holiday shopping, but I think no matter how many items I still have to pick up, they'll be put into baskets only from here on out.

Cut To The Bone

2011-12-18T16:52:00.001-05:00

It has not been a good week for my hands. What I mean by that is it seems as though every little task I have undertaken in the last couple of days has resulted in a fresh cut on the back of my hand and a small amount of blood running down my arm. I half-expected it when I was cutting down trees that weren't much more than thorn bushes. I couldn't even be all that surprised when I cut myself pulling out Christmas decorations, as most of them have some kind of wiring that I could snag myself on. But when I was picking out a Christmas tree and came away with a bleeding knuckle I think that was when I conceded it was simply not my week. Seriously, if I cut myself while wrapping Christmas presents then I'm going to start wearing gloves at all times.

Weekly Sporties

2011-12-17T13:48:00.003-05:00

-So, after days of proposals and counter-proposals being sent back and forth, Chris Paul was finally traded away from the Hornets this week. He still ended up in Los Angeles, though he will play with the Clippers and not the Lakers. Now, if you remove all the raw emotions about how unfair this is to the Lakers and their fans (and it is totally unfair), the annoying fact remains that the Hornets did actually end up with a better group of players and draft picks than they would have gotten in the original deal. I know no one wants to give David Stern any credit at the moment, but it turns out that this was the correct move to make. The Hornets are now set up with a good group of young players and attractive assets for the future that are much better than anything the Lakers and Rockets could have offered. However, that doesn't change the fact that a huge conflict of interest remains in place for as long as the league owns the Hornets. Supposedly all this extra haggling that went on was all done to try and keep the franchise looking good to any potential buyers. Well, now that the deal is done they had better find a buyer fast, because I guarantee this won't be the only deal the Hornets are going to be making this year and I certainly don't want to have to go through this drama again at the trading deadline.

-One of my least favorite traditions in sports is the yearly ritual of college football coaches quitting on their team to take a new job before their current school's bowl game. Now, I don't blame the schools or the coaches - it's the system. There is simply too much time between when the season ends and when the bowls are played. If those coaches want to get a jump on recruiting and building the program at their new school they are almost forced to leave their current team in a bad spot. Also, I'm not going to fault a coach for leaving to take a job with more prestige or money. If we're being honest, you and I would do the same thing. But, if you happen to be a college football coach who is thinking of leaving, please handle your departure better than Todd Graham. Graham has been the head coach at Pittsburgh for less than a year. Arizona State came calling last week and since Graham has family near the school, he asked Pittsburgh if he could interview with the Sun Devils. Pittsburgh, understandably, said no. Graham interviewed anyway and ended up taking the job at ASU. He then texted the Pittsburgh Athletics Director saying he was leaving and asked him to forward that text to all his players. He couldn't even be bothered to text them himself. It's stuff like this that makes the NCAA rule which states players who transfer have to sit for a season such a joke.

-There is a little bit of controversy following last Thursday night's game between the Browns and the Steelers. Late in the game Browns quarterback Colt McCoy took a helmet-to-helmet hit from James Harrison of the Steelers. McCoy got up and was clearly out of it, but made it to the sidelines, was back in the very next series and finished out the game. Afterwards, McCoy's father blasted the Browns saying that Colt clearly had a concussion and should never have been put back in, especially with the NFL's new emphasis on player safety which specifically targets concussion awareness. At the time the Browns said that they followed all the guidelines the NFL had put out and Colt was cleared by the team doctors. A couple days later that all turned out to be bullshit because McCoy was never checked for a concussion. The trainers didn't see the hit, as they were tending to another injured player, and didn't know he had a head injury so they never gave him the concussion tests. They said all McCoy complained about was his hand hurting, which I'm going to guess happened because at that moment he couldn't remember how to say the word concussion. The post-concussion symptoms are still so bad that McCoy isn't going to be playing this week. Clearly, there is a flaw in the NFL's policy because relying on the guy with the concussion to bring it to the trainer's attention is not going to happen. You're lucky if he remembers what team he is on.

-Still, I think the NFL would much rather talk about concussions than what is happening in Chicago. A couple days ago Bears back-up wide receiver and special teamer Sam Hurd was arrested in a drug bust attempting to set up a deal in which he would receive several kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana every week. According to the DEA, despite signing a three-year contract with the Bears that would pay him over a million dollars a year, Hurd was one of the cities biggest drug dealers. (In case you were wondering, he has already been released by the Bears, who I think have had just about enough of former Cowboys players this week.) Seriously, you wouldn't believe this story if it was the plot in a movie. But, as bad as that news is, what I'm sure has the league shaking in their collective boots is the rumor that Hurd has a long list of NFL clients that he has been selling to. (For the record, Hurd's lawyer went out of his way to refute the claim that Sam was selling to NFL players because, yeah, that's what he should be focused on right now.) You know, every year the league has a rookie symposium where they try to teach first-year players about the pitfalls of fame and fortune. One of the days is spent reminding the players how important it is to have a plan set up for when their playing days are over. I don't think this is what they had in mind.

-Since we're talking about federal investigations, on Friday former Giants slugger Barry Bonds received his sentenced after being found guilty in May on federal charges of obstruction of justice. Bonds was given 30 days of house arrest, which will be followed by two years of probation. Bonds said he plans to appeal this punishment. Considering Bonds could have gotten 15 month in a federal prison, I think he should take his punishment and shut the hell up. This damn investigation has been going on since 2003 and his appeal could take another two years. If Bonds ever wants to make it to the Hall of Fame (unlikely, but not totally dead yet), he would be smart to just take his sentence quietly and put this whole thing behind him. After all, the main reason Pete Rose has been kept of the Hall of Fame for so long was not that he bet on baseball, but that he refused to admit he bet on baseball despite the mountain of evidence. We live in a forgiving society, but you have to give us a reason to forgive you first. Not to mention, I'm willing to bet that Bonds doesn't exactly live in a tiny studio apartment. I'm sure he'll have plenty of room to move around. Seriously, Barry, you got lucky: do the 30 days and be done with it.

-Now that the new baseball labor agreement has been approved, a few of the smaller details are starting to come to light. One of the more unusual (but fun) clauses hidden in there was the new rule which states that if a player changes his jersey number during the season, he will be responsible for buying all the unsold merchandise with his old number on it from the manufacturers. This was slipped in to protect MLB's clothing and merchandising partners (in case you are wondering, players who are traded are exempt). Now, this isn't a big deal because players very rarely change numbers in the middle of the season. The ones that do are typically the type of players who are bouncing back and forth between the majors and AAA and those guys don't exactly have many jerseys printed up for fans to buy. But, what I want is to see this kind of thing taken a few steps further: how about making players cut a check to anyone who bought their jerseys if they demand a trade one year into a 5-year contract? Or, how about that guy owes me a little something if he winds up being horrible? Seriously, if we could go back and retroactively demand that crappy players compensate the fans who blindly supported them I would be a rich man. I would also have a lot more room in my closet.

-I think my favorite story of the week (maybe the month) came from this week's New York Post. In the article a 'friend' of Derek Jeter revealed that Jeter has a system in place for his one-night stands. Apparently the morning after, the girls leave his apartment and find a limo waiting for them down on the street. (So far, so good.) But inside the limo is a gift basket filled with Derek Jeter memorabilia, including a signed baseball. First off, I need to know if Jeter has a sliding scale. Do the girls get a baseball regardless or can they work their way up to something better, like at a carnival where you can keep earning tickets until you get the radio? Secondly, does he at least take a moment to personalize the ball, or does it have some generic message he writes on all of them? Just know this: I would advise any Yankee fan who gets a signed Derek Jeter baseball from his girlfriend for Christmas to ask just where the hell she got it from, because given some of the rumors floating around the internet, that might not be the only thing she got from Mr. November.

The Lowe Down

2011-12-16T19:06:00.002-05:00

I find myself strangely captivated by this "All-American Muslims"/Lowe's controversy. For those of you who aren't aware of it, Lowe's pulled all their advertising from the TLC show after receiving threats of boycotts by a few groups. So, of course, Lowe's caved. It's an interesting marketing story about which companies choose to advertise on which shows, as well as just how much influence the 24-hour cable news channels have. There were always crazy people in the world, but with so many hours of programming to fill the cable news networks are giving these people a chance to share their insane views with the world. Suddenly the crazies have a little power instead of just being ignored, which is what should be happening to these kinds of people.

Now, normally a controversy like this would translate into ratings gold for the network as new audience members flip over in droves to see what all the fuss is about. However, this week "All-American Muslims" saw about 900,000 viewers. Even for basic cable, that is a pathetic rating. (I'll admit, I didn't tune in either. I'm intrigued from a marketing/journalism angle. I'm not interested in seeing the actual show.) You'll see infomercials that get more viewers. Apparently, I'm the only one interested in this story. Well, me and Jon Stewart.

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About Those Lights...

2011-12-15T18:29:00.003-05:00

I got a late jump on my holiday decorating this year. (To be honest, I got a late jump on the holiday in general. I'm way behind on my shopping.) But, this afternoon I figured I should at least take advantage of the abnormally warm day and finally hang up some lights. Now, when it comes to me and ladders the only two days you will ever find me on one are the days when I hang up and take down my Christmas lights. And it was as I was standing on a ladder trying to hang the lights around my front door in just the right way that it occurred to me how strange a thing Christmas lights are. Not the idea behind them - I like that people decorate their houses for the season, even if I do think the people who sync the lights up to music have too much time on their hands. No, I mean the actual, physical Christmas lights.

For example, whenever a stand of lights won't come on after they are first plugged in, what is your initial reaction? Of course, you shake the crap out of them. Here's where it gets weird: more than half the time, that works. Now, I'm no stranger to getting frustrated to the point of wanting to shake a piece of equipment that isn't performing the way it should, but it is never supposed to actually accomplish anything. If my computer is taking forever to install a program I need I can't pick the tower up and shake it a few times to see if that will get it working. Yet, with Christmas lights it is not only acceptable behavior, it's the go-to move when trying to fix them. I've been thinking about it and the only other things I can think of that works like that are printer cartridges and juice drinks. When you can fix something by doing a move that would break almost any other electronics, that has to be a design flaw.

The reason people shake the crap out of their lights is because that is a far superior plan than the alternative: going light by light to try and find the one faulty connection which has caused the entire stand to go dark. For those of you who leave the decorating up to others, I can not tell you how much this sucks. Not to mention, it feels really stupid. We've come a long way in the world of electronics and electrical currents. You mean to tell me we can't figure out a way for Christmas lights to keep working if the 25th bulb on a 100-light strand gets a little loose? I think the Christmas light people are only allowed to get away with selling such a fickle little product because consumers only need them to work for a couple weeks at a time. You certainly wouldn't get away with selling a refrigeration that stopped being cold because the inside light burnt out.

My father probably has the best approach to Christmas lights. A few years ago he decided that he simply wasn't messing with them anymore. If they lit up, fine. But if they didn't they were going in the trash with no second chance. It's $3 for a strand of Christmas lights and at that price it simply isn't worth the time and aggravation to try and fix a broken strand. While I admire his attitude and agree there are better ways to spend the day, I'm not sure we should let Christmas light makers off the hook so easily. Christmas is a huge industry and the lights are a big part of that. So how about they stop making such flimsy lights and actually have a little pride in their product? It would certainly get rid of a lot of holiday frustration for a lot of people. I know I would appreciate not having lights flickering while I'm standing on a ladder trying to hang them up. They can even consider it their Christmas present to me.

You'll Be Back...

2011-12-14T19:18:00.001-05:00

While I think we can all agree that everyone on TV is overpaid, I think the most overpaid people are the ones hosting the national news programs every night on the major networks. These people make tens of millions of dollars in salary per year because, apparently, the people in charge of these networks don't understand that most of us could not care less about who hosts the news. With the internet being what it is nightly news programs are pretty much irrelevant. I have a phone and internet access, so my guess is I already know what happened today. That is why the average viewer age of people who tune in to these shows is about 80. But, for the sake of argument, let's say I did need to watch the nightly national news to learn about the day's events: would it really matter who was reading the teleprompter? Of course it wouldn't. I just need to know what happened, I don't particularly care who the person is that's telling me. That is why I'm always amused when a fill-in anchor takes a second to tell us that the regular host is on assignment. I really wasn't worried where they were. Hell, I barely noticed it was someone new.

Still, news anchors are downright vital compared to TV show actors and actresses. CBS is really pushing the next new episodes of CSI, because Marg Helgenberger is leaving the show and her last few appearances are going to be airing in the coming weeks. First off, who knew CSI was even still making new shows? I thought it only existed in re-runs on 10 different basic cable channels. It has reached the same level as the Law & Order franchise - no one watches it the day it airs, but everyone has seen the last five seasons twice because of the marathons that run on the USA network on rainy days. Secondly, the promoting of her final episodes is getting a little ridiculous. Do TV executives actually think people care about cast turnover? Much like with the news we just want the show - who actually reads the script is secondary. Sure, we might like one character versus another, but if the show is well-written we'll get over a cast switch pretty quickly.

I'll grant you that some characters on TV are more essential to their shows than others. (It would be really hard to shoot a show like Justified without Timothy Olyphant.) But, science-heavy crime dramas like CSI are especially immune to cast change because the market is so saturated with them. Half the time you can't even remember which character is on which show. Plus, they've done so many crossover episodes you can hardly remember who came from what franchise. Which brings us to Ms. Helgenberger. I can only assume she is leaving the show due to some kind of contract dispute. (She certainly can't be leaving to go back to her thriving film career.) I remember when William Peterson left CSI and everyone thought it was going to be the end of the line for the franchise. Turns out the show barely missed a beat. Here's all you need to know about her exit: the promos aren't even saying that Marg Helgenberger is leaving - they say her character, Catherine, is the one who is exiting. Doesn't exactly sound as if the show is expecting to go off the air without her.

In the end, this will probably be a good thing for Marg. I assume that standing over fake dead bodies and reciting science-heavy dialog week after week gets tiring after a few years and a break to do something else could be refreshing. However, I also expect her to be back on the show in the not-too-distant future. Much like when an athlete retires a little too early, only to come back within a year when they find out it's impossible to make that kind of money in an other walk of life, I think Marg is going to find out that people aren't lining up to offer her starring roles in the next Oscar contender. But, sometimes you just need to try something new to realize you had it pretty good where you were, even if that somewhere was getting a little repetitive.

A Prickly Situation

2011-12-13T18:40:00.003-05:00

It's a well-established fact that when it comes to my yard I can not grow the things I want to grow, but the stuff I am trying to kill grows at a rate which is normally only seen in a science-fiction story. This is why despite over-seeding, consistent watering, fertilizing, and using the high-end feeding products, there are large patches in my yard where grass refuses to grow. On the flip side, despite two different landscaping crews rolling through in the last couple of months which took whacks at them, the front of my yard features several plants which not only grow in seemingly overnight, but appear to get bigger when they come back. (It's like the myth about shaving your chest, only there are thorns involved.) Seriously, I think the weed-killers I've used on these things have done nothing but make them immune.

It's the thorns that really kill me. I could live with a rogue plant popping up here and there, because at the end of the day I'm not trying to win any landscape awards. But the plants that keep coming back are really nothing more than thorns on sticks. They look like normal enough tress, so you are tempted to leave them be. But a closer examination reveals that instead of leaves, these trees just produced nothing but large and razor-sharp thorns. At least with a rose bush you get some pretty flowers once a year. These things are just ugly and annoying. As an added bonus, the thorns are roughly at eye level, so they can really do some damage. Frankly I'm surprised they haven't clipped someone that was walking by. I don't know who would plant these things. Hell, I don't even know why nature would create them.

That was why this afternoon I decided to break out the trusty Gator and at least cut them down before winter gets here. I'm hoping that we have a cold enough season that the roots won't be able to survive a couple months buried under some snow. However, these particular trees weren't going down without a fight. I was at least smart enough to go with two layers of long-sleeves and a pair of jeans I wouldn't mind seeing get shredded. I quickly discovered that the key to the entire operation was cutting away the individual branches before going after the sapling itself. What really killed me was trying to shove the branches into the barrel where I could throw them away. Even though I was wearing gloves I still had to spend most of my time trying to avoid grabbing a handful of thorns. While it wasn't a perfect solution, it did cut way down on the small cuts.

The problem was that there isn't much I can do about massive thorns. They are going to get you no matter what. At one point, one particular thorn got through the gloves and got me in the finger. I didn't think much of it until about an hour later when I looked down and saw that I had been cut so deep I actually bled through the glove. I'm fairly convinced I could spend the day cutting away rusty barbed wire and I wouldn't have been pricked so many times. If anyone knows what these damn trees are (or more importantly, how I can make sure they don't grow back) I would appreciate the answers. I do not want to do this again in the spring.

Movie Reviews

2011-12-12T18:10:00.001-05:00

Once again we've reached that time where I've caught up on enough cable movies to start offering some reviews. Again, most of these aren't reviews of the actual films, more stuff that caught my eyes while watching them.

Cedar Rapids I was excited to see this because it stars John C. Reilly and Ed Helms, who I both enjoy and I was expecting a laugh riot. It's definitely a comedy, but also not what I was expecting. It's less in the mold of Step Brothers and more in the way that Stranger Than Fiction was a comedy. Basically, the jokes aren't obvious and it has some serious parts to it. It's one of those comedies where a scene is funny because we've all had that experience and not because someone is falling down. Not saying it was bad, just saying it was not as light as I thought it was going to be. I do worry about Ed Helms, though. In this movie he's not very far removed from his roles in the Hangover or The Office - you know, the sort of awkward, bumbling do-gooder who means well. You can ride that train for a while, but then you can't get off that track. My advice is to jump off before you get locked in.

The Mechanic Jason Statham plays an brooding assassin, if you can believe it. (He's done this role so many times I'm slightly worried that Statham might begin to believe he actually is an assassin.) You know, when it comes to action movies like this I'm willing to go with the writers' premise that there is a secret organization out there murdering people on a nearly daily basis without anyone ever getting suspicious. I'm also willing to play along with the idea that you can have massive gunfights in the streets without a single police car showing up. I'll even go with you that it is possible to make a clean getaway after that massive gunfight in this day and age without being seen by a single person and their camera-phone. But there was one scene where they rolled into a gas station and the price at the pump was $2.69 - that's where I call bullshit. C'mon guys, at least try and base your movie on reality, just a little.

Faster This movie claims to star The Rock, but in actuality it's one of those movies where the muscle car is the star. The Rock plays a guy driving around killing all the people involved in the murder of his brother and that's about as deep as the plot gets. Here is all you need to know about this script - they didn't bother to name half the characters. Now, I get only referring to The Rock as "Driver" - you're trying to surround him with an air of mystery. But when the rest of the people in the movie are referred to by their occupation or some physical feature it tells me that either the script was never finished or it never really got started. Whichever the case, it just comes across as lazy. But, at least the cars are awesome.

Conviction This movie tells the true story of a Massachusetts woman who put herself through law school and became a lawyer with the sole intent of getting her brother, who was wrongly convicted of murder, out of jail. It is very well acted, but this is yet another movie where I bet the documentary of the true story featuring interviews with the real life-people involved, which is most likely included in the special features section of the DVD is way more interesting than the actual movie. But, that is not my point of contention with this film. Here's what bugs me: why do we continue to let people in movies butcher Boston accents? This movie stars Hillary Swank, who is a very good actress, and yet for this entire movie it sounds like she's doing her best Mayor Quimby impression. It really is not that hard of an accent to master. Memo to Hollywood: not everyone in Massachusetts is related to the Kennedys.

Time To Go

2011-12-11T13:55:00.002-05:00

On Friday the City of Boston told the protesters of Occupy Boston that they had to leave Dewey Square, the park they had lived in for the last couple of months. If they weren't gone by midnight, they were going to be arrested. I know you may find this hard to believe, but many of the protesters didn't listen to the City and remained. So, Saturday morning around 50 of them were arrested and the park was finally cleared out. According to reports, all went smoothly, or at least as smoothly as a raid of that size can go. Occupy Boston has already said they would continue the fight elsewhere and even staged a rally Saturday night, though from the news reports I saw it wasn't very well-attended. I can't exactly say I'm surprised.

I don't know about you, but I was starting to get the feeling that a few of the occupiers were almost glad to have a reason to leave. I'm sure when they joined the movement they thought they would cause sweeping changes to move in quickly, but when that didn't happen I wonder just how many started to doubt if this was the best use of their time. At the very least it was taking a lot longer than they anticipated. Obviously they weren't going to leave because no one wants to abandon a movement, but it's getting colder and the holidays are coming, so I can't shake the feeling that more than a couple of them are grateful that the city gave them an out. Perhaps the next movement will take place somewhere a little warmer and with easier access to bathrooms.

Weekly Sporties

2011-12-10T13:20:00.006-05:00

-The biggest name in free baseball free agency this year was that of Albert Pujols. The once-in-a-generation slugger was on the open market for the first time in his career and, despite getting a huge offer from the Miami Marlins, most people thought he would re-sign with the St. Louis Cardinals, the only baseball team he has ever played for. But, in a shocking early-morning signing, Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million deal with the Anaheim Angels (I know that's not their proper name, but I don't care). Now, even though analysts seemed sad that he was leaving St. Louis, a lot of people thought this was a great signing for the Angels. Well, half a great signing, anyway. Eveyone sort of agrees that paying him that much money for that long is a losing proposition. Pujols will turn 32 in January, which means he'll be 41 in the final year of this deal and no one expects him to still be playing well at that age. That, of course, makes me wonder why they offered him that long of a contract. If you know a guy isn't going to keep playing at his current level for more than 5 years (6 tops), why not offer him a 7-year deal just to cover your bases? An addition 3 years at $25 million per seems a really bad idea, especially when you know in year 1 it's going to happen. A lot of people say it is because Albert wanted a 10-year deal. Well, he can't want lots of stuff, it doesn't mean you have to give it all to him. You're already giving him $25 million a year, I think he can make a few concessions going the other way.

-About a decade ago the biggest name in baseball free agency was Manny Ramirez. Well, things have certainly changed for Manny in the last couple of years. First he failed a drug test in Los Angeles and was suspended 50 games. Then he had a couple of lackluster years for the Dodgers, which led to him signing a one-year contract with the Tampa Bay Rays. But before the season even started Manny was informed he had failed a second drug test and was going to be suspended for 100 games, at which point he promptly retired. I remember writing when he announced his retirement that I wondered just how long he was going to be able to stay away from the game, considering Ramirez didn't strike me as the kind of guy who has a lot of hobbies outside baseball. Turns out I should have bet money on it, as this week Manny filed reinstatement papers with Major League Baseball stating he intends to come out of retirement. First off, I fully expect him to end up on the Marlins because that seems to be their move this year. Now Manny still has to serve a suspension for his second failed drug test, but the thing that caught my eye was that MLB announced Ramirez's suspension had been cut in half and he would only be suspended 50 games. How does that work? How does essentially taking your ball and going home get rewarded? Try that next time you get a speeding ticket: "That's a $200 fine." You know what, officer? I'm not even going to drive this car anymore... Wait, I need a car. "Good for you. It'll be a $100 fine then." I highly doubt that would work.

-One of my biggest pet peeves in sports is when people start to treat rumors as if they are facts. This week started off with sources inside the Lakers saying that they would like to add both Chris Paul and Dwight Howard to their team and they were willing to trade almost anyone on their roster to make it happen. Yeah, well so would the other 29 teams in the league. So, what exactly makes this news? Now, I will grant you that the Lakers did aquire Chris Paul for a few hours on Thursday (which we talked about yesterday), but there was little to no chance they were ever going to be able to get both Paul and Howard on their roster. It was the sports equivalent of me saying that I want to go on a date with Jessica Biel. Well, isn't it nice to want? Yet, for some reason ESPN spent half the week talking about how great the Lakers lineup would be if it had Kobe, Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. It would be great, but that doesn't make it true. I know that the Lakers usually manage to capture the sexy names in free agency, but how about from now on we at least wait until guys are actually on the team before we start talking about their crunch time rotations?

-A few days ago baseball announced that it was going to have a dress code. Not for its players, but for the media members who cover the teams. Apparently, people had decided that just because you work in sports it doesn't mean you get to dress like a slob. You can tell how bad some locker rooms had gotten by the items that were banished: muscle shirts, ripped jeans, mini-skirts, halter tops and flip-flops. Honestly, if you have to be told not to wear that stuff to work then I can only wonder how you got a press pass to begin with. But, there was one item that caught my eye: no clothing with team logos on it. Granted, when you are trying to act as though you are impartial, wearing a team-issued hoodie doesn't look so good. Still, this is going to kill most baseball writer's, because damn do they love their free shirts. When I was working in radio I once had a very popular local writer call me four times because I had mentioned getting him a free shirt from the station. For guys like that to have to go out and buy a logo-free polo is the equivalent of torture. I'm willing to bet the writer's in St. Louis took news of the new dress code harder than the Pujols decision.

-In a move that continues to show they are suddenly the most innovative sports league in North America, the NHL announced major changes to the league's playoff system. Instead of doing the standard two-conference, six-division alignment they have now, the league is going to a four-conference system that will be based more on geography than before and will feature a re-seeding for the four conference champions rather than the normal East vs West format. Basically, it means you could see teams like the Bruins and the Sharks meet in the semi-finals of the playoffs and the Bruins could face the Rangers in the Stanley Cup Finals. It's all very new and a little confusing, so instead of harping on that, I'm going to take a little umbrage with the conference the Bruins have been placed in. Currently they are slated to be with Montreal (good), Buffalo, Toronto, Tampa Bay, Florida and Ottawa. Meanwhile the other East Coast conference is the Islanders, the Rangers, the Penguins, the Flyers, the Devils, the Hurricane and the Capitals. Seriously? Why does it feel like the Bruins are in the 'leftover' conference despite being an Original 6 team? And if these conferences are supposed to be more based on geography I couldn't help but notice Boston is nowhere near Florida. I know I shouldn't be complaining because they are clearly in the easier conference, but when you consider the schedules will be weighed towards conference match-ups it feels like the fans are getting screwed here. I mean, would you rather see the Bruins play the Rangers 4 times a year or the Panthers? I rest my case.

-There was a strange story in college football this week. Tuesday night reports started to come out that June Jones, currently the head coach at SMU, had reached an agreement to become the new head man at Arizona State. All that was left to be hammered out were contract details. But, by Wednesday afternoon the deal was off. Reportedly the Sun Devils backed out after concerns from students and alumni. Alright, I'll ask: when did Arizona State get to be so choosy? Last time I checked the Sun Devils haven't exactly been a PAC-12 powerhouse - they only win the conference about once a decade. And I'll grant you that June Jones isn't exactly warm and fuzzy, but he's a very good college coach. He took Hawaii to a BCS bowl for heaven's sake. Also in two years he turned SMU into a winner and they hadn't been relevant in college football in almost 20 years. Sure, he may not be the sexy name other schools have been hiring lately, but he wins. Also he's never had an NCAA violations against him and it appears like he runs a clean program. So, here's what I would like to remind Arizona State fans: you don't have to hang out with him. We've all worked in an office with a prickly person before - as long as they can get the job done then it doesn't really matter if you don't want them to find out where everyone is going for drinks after work. I'm telling you, winning covers up a lot of personality defects.

-The last time I wrote about NASCAR's Kurt Busch he was complaining about how there was no sportsmanship in auto-racing. Since that time Busch was caught on camera screaming violently at a reporter in a video that became a YouTube sensation and his crew chief quit while basically saying he no longer wanted to put up with Busch's verbal abuse on a weekly basis. Busch said he intended to seek out a sports psychologist to deal with his anger issues, but it was too late. Early in the week he announced that he was leaving Penske racing after he and his team "mutually parted ways". No they didn't. This is like when someone gets dumped and then tries way too hard to convince all their friends it was a mutual decision. The reality is that NASCAR has slowly been shrinking over the past few years. As a sponsor-driven sport in a bad economy, funding has been harder to come by and teams go under almost every week. Busch was on a solid team with a major sponsor - you simply don't give that up voluntarily, even if you're a previous Cup Champion. There are only so many job openings for drivers and you certainly won't see a car like this come open under normal circumstances. Sounds to me like the first thing Busch and his sports therapist need to talk about are a few honesty issues.

Veto Power

2011-12-09T19:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon it was being reported that the New Orleans Hornets had traded their star player Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers in a deal that included players coming and going through the Houston Rockets. While everyone focused on the Lakers getting the biggest star in the deal (because they always do), it was quite a coup for the Hornets. You see, Paul is in the last year of his deal and has basically said there is no way he will remain with the team beyond this season, so the Hornets were in a situation where they essentially had to trade Paul before the year ended otherwise he would leave and they would get nothing for him. Everyone knows this, so considering the lack of bargaining power they were dealing with, I actually thought they ended up with a pretty good collection of young, pretty good and cheap players along with some draft picks and a Kardashian's husband. It appears I was the only one who thought that.

Now, this is where it gets complicated: the Hornets are currently without an owner. The previous owner was losing so much money owning the team that he basically couldn't afford to make payroll anymore. And with the league staring down a lockout because small-market teams like New Orleans couldn't manage to be competitive and turn a profit, he couldn't find a buyer. So to try and keep the team going, the remaining NBA owners each ponied up a few millions dollars and the league took control of the Hornets with every owner having an equal share. If you've ever seen a sitcom episode where a group of friends buy an equal share of something valuable you probably know this wasn't going to end well. And when the group of buyers is made up of super-competitive billionaires who aren't used to not getting their way it's a recipe for a full-blown disaster, which is exactly what happened.

After the trade was announced people kept harping on the Lakers getting the biggest name and creating yet another super-team (again, it wasn't nearly as bad for New Orleans as people were making it out to be). But, apparently all this talk of another star leaving a small-market for a glamour team (which was what the lockout was supposed to prevent from happening) wasn't sitting well with the owners of the rest of the small-market teams, because they saw what happened to New Orleans and became convinced that their team was going to be the next one to have a superstar push his way to one of the marquee franchises. And since these people also own a stake of the Hornets, it suddenly occurred to several of them that they should have input on any trades that the Hornets make and let their opinions be known. A few hours later David Stern, the Commissioner of the NBA, vetoed the deal saying it was in the best interest of the team and the league that Paul remain with the Hornets.

This is of course sent professional basketball into a tailspin. How could the Commissioner veto a deal like this? Did he actually have that power? To me it comes down to a very simple question: if the Hornets were owned by one person or group, would he have allowed this deal to go through? Of course he would have, so it should have been approved now. That leads me to wonder just how much was he influenced by the other owners? I mean, it is crazy to think that he would let them have a say in a trade that sends a great player to one of their rivals, regardless of whether they own a stake in the Hornets or not. And at what point does trying to help one team just hurt the rest of the league? By not letting this trade go through Stern not only hurt the Hornets, but the Lakers and Rockets, two teams that actually make money.

I understand that Stern works for all the owners and not the players, but let's not fool ourselves: not every NBA owner is created equal. The League is better off when the Knicks, Lakers, Celtics and 76ers are doing well. It's one thing to say you don't play favorites, it's another to piss off your best money-makers to try and prove it. Now, during the lockout there was talk that New Orleans would be contracted. But considering that would mean all the other owners would lose the millions dollars they spent on their share of the team I can see why they would rather keep the Hornets going and try to sell them to a new owner instead. And there is no disputing a player like Chris Paul would certainly make the team a lot more attractive to a potential new owner. But, a situation like this certainly isn't going to help. At the moment I can't see why anyone would want to buy a stake in this mess.

Currently basketball fans should be super excited that the league is back and getting ready for a new season. Instead right now they are all talking about this debacle. Instead of talking about roster moves and schedules, there is talk of lawsuits and a lot of hurt feelings. Chris Paul is thinking about suing the NBA for blocking his ticket out of New Orleans while Lakers officials had to spend the day trying to explain to a couple of very sensitive power forwards that the trade was nothing personal, it was just business. Meanwhile David Stern has to deal with columnists and other media talking heads wondering if he's on some kind of super power trip. The smartest thing he could do would be to reverse field and allow the trade to go through, but I can't see a guy like David Stern ever admitting he was wrong, especially not about something so public. But, that doesn't change the fact that it's the right thing to do. First off, it might make Stern look a little more human. Secondly, it's not like he could look any worse.

Name That Tune

2011-12-08T18:38:00.001-05:00

I watch a lot of the Golf Channel. Because the average age of people who watch this channel is about 55 and the median income of those people tends to be higher than most (meaning I fall outside not one but two of their key demographics), I end up seeing a lot of commercials for higher-end items. You could ask me all about retirement communities, investment opportunities or hover-round chairs and I could provide you with a lot of correct answers. But mostly the commercials are for luxury cars. I have seen more commercials for cars I am never going to be able to afford that one human should be subjected to in his lifetime. Lately the commercials I have seen the most have been for Lexus and I have to tell you they provoke a very strong reaction... to never want to buy one of these cars.

For those of you who haven't seen the newest campaign it unfolds as such: it's Christmas morning and spouses are going about surprising their trophy husbands and/or wives with a new car. To do this they have come up with (or, most likely, they have paid someone to come up) various creative ways to play the Lexus jingle, which tips off the person to run outside and admire their shiny new car under the over-sized Lexus bow which has become almost as famous as their front hood logo. So far the methods to sneak the jingle in during the commercials have included playing it as elevator muzak, as the tune in a music box and as a new cell-phone ring. It may seem a little far-fetched, but I guess when you are rich enough to buy someone a car for Christmas, paying a couple hundred extra to bribe the elevator guy isn't much of a stretch.

Now, advertising trying to sell products using people who I wouldn't want to ever hang out with is nothing new. (Currently AT&T is trying to sell phones by highlighting people who can't wait to tell everyone else how behind the times they are. I think I would rather have no cell phone than allow any of the people in these ads to call me.) I don't why it happened, because you would think that normally companies would want to be represented by people other people might value in society, but at some point in the last couple of years ads started to be filled up the worst kinds of stereotypes. I can only assume frat boys started taking more marketing classes when the financial bubble burst. Either way this marketing style has served to turn me away from more products than it has helped.

The general douche-ness that comes from a commercial like this aside, here's my biggest point of contention with these ads: who the hell knew Lexus had its own jingle? If these commercials weren't played so much I certainly wouldn't have known what I was supposed to be listening for. Also, it isn't like the music is particularly memorable. It's a few notes that do nothing to worm their way into your subconscious like other famous jingle in the past. It doesn't even have any words to memorize. Think about it like this: if I asked you to sing the Alka-Seltzer jingle, I'm willing to bet 80% of the population could come up with it in a heartbeat. If I played you the Lexus ditty and gave you 10 guesses I'd bet a large sum of money that same percentage of people would never come up with the right company. To assume people are that tuned in shows a level of arrogance you wouldn't expect from people who make cars that aren't much more than glorified Toyotas.

Nice Trash

2011-12-07T18:36:00.005-05:00

Recently a large item was delivered to my house. Not only did it arrive in a large box but as it usually happens with large items, the large box was mostly filled with packing Styrofoam. In the good old days I could have just brought this box and it's foamy contents to the street on trash day, but I live in one of those towns which mandates how much stuff you are allowed to throw away in any given week. They give you a couple of trash barrels and if something doesn't fit in a barrel then you are just going to have to find an alternate way to get rid of your trash. So instead of being dragged 20 feet the box had to be specially driven to the dump on Saturday. Also, the people working wouldn't take the Styrofoam with the box - that had to be put in with the rest of the recycling at the normal trash pickup time. Fine, it's annoying to drag this stuff back and forth, but apparently it has to be done.

Unfortunately, these weren't your standard packing peanuts. If that was the case I would have just collected them in a bag and been done with it. Instead this box came full of the harder, sturdier foam panels lining the sides of the box. They weigh about the same, but they are a lot more difficult to squish due to their rigidity, meaning they take up a lot more room. There was no easy way to pack them into the barrel, so what I did instead was put them in a contractors bag, tie it shut to make sure nothing blew away during the night and then placed the bag on top of the open barrel. Not the best-looking solution, but I thought it was good enough to work. Turns out that I was wrong. The next day there was a sticker on the bag, saying that they wouldn't take the recycling away because it was in violation of the rules. Apparently, there aren't supposed to be any plastic bags in recycling barrels and the lids need to be able to close. Essentially, it turns out that my trash wasn't neat enough for the town.

Look, I'm all for recycling but not if you're going to make it into a hassle. It's would be like someone asking you to make some food for a party they were throwing as a favor, but then placing all sorts of dietary restrictions on what you were planning to make. You're lucky I care enough to be recycling at all, but now you'll only take my stuff if it meets all your requirements? Oh, and they didn't even take the rest of my recycling. So, not only did they leave me with an extra bag of stuff to be recycled that wasn't up to some code no one told me existed, they left an entire barrel of stuff that met their requirements and would have been fine to take, meaning my recycling barrel is already full and I have two more weeks to recycling day. When some stuff that should be recycled ends up in the regular garbage due to lack of room they'll have no one to blame but themselves.

When the hell did garbagemen get to become so damn picky? Currently my trash and recycling service is the kind where the trucks roll down the street until it stops in front of a house where a giant arm extends from the side of the truck to pick up the barrel and dump its contents into the bin on the back. And even though the machine seems to be doing all the work, every truck has two guys in it. I get that one guy is there to drive the thing, but as near as I can tell the other guy is just there to make sure the driver doesn't get lonely. You mean to tell me it would have killed him to jump out for 20 seconds to take the bag off the barrel so they could have at least taken the rest of my stuff? He obviously had to get out to put a sticker on it. What, was he unwilling to touch a bag of Styrofoam? He's a professional trash collector: didn't anyone tell him touching other people's garbage might come up at some point? Because I kind of feel like it should have been mentioned during orientation. Or, like me, did he only find out the rules after the fact? I guess it's true what they say: garbage is a dirty business.

Not Fooling Anyone

2011-12-06T18:15:00.002-05:00

Every town in America has one or two shops in it that people can't figure out how they stay in business. You probably know the ones that I am talking about: small, not located in a convenient area and they sell an item that usually doesn't have much appeal to a lot of people. Normally this would be a perfect storm to drive them out of business by the end of the month, yet somehow they continue to stay open even though you never see any customers in there. The most likely scenario is that they are either very well funded by people who saved their entire lives to open a store dedicated to a product they have always had a passion for or the owners got in to the location at a ridiculously low and lock-in rent. Now, the joke that I always make about stores like this are that they are fronts for the mob. Well, it turns out that I should have been a detective, because on a few occasions lately I would have been right.

The first one was discovered a couple weeks back, when a local day spa turned out to be covering up a prostitution and drug ring. (I guess the hot rocks massage wasn't the only thing they could think of to make people relaxed.) Then about two weeks ago a local bike shop was raided and they found a large stash of drugs in the back. (Turns out people who want to make a career out of riding bikes like smoking weed. Who knew?) All of this has done nothing except raise my awareness to anything that seems even slightly off. Now I'm not just joking about stores being mob-funded - I expect it to turn out to be true. The issue has been compounded by the fact that is now time for holiday shopping and if you can't think of anything to get people you find yourself wandering into a lot of smaller and less-crowded stores looking for gift inspiration. What I'm finding instead of gifts is that I'm more convinced than ever that some store outside of the big chains are absolutely just a mask for illegal activities.

I think it has everything to do with who is behind the counter. For example, I was in an arts and craft kind of store the other day. It was the kind of store where people sell home-painted signs and you expect both the clientele and the staff to be around 75 years old. Instead working the registers was a mid-30s man who was not exactly carrying himself with a welcoming demeanor. Also, when I went to ask him for a gift recommendation he appeared to be woefully unprepared to answer such a question with a limited knowledge of both arts and crafts. Now, it is entirely possible that in the current job market people are scrambling to find work and are forced to take employment in an area outside their comfort zone. But, given the events of the passed couple of weeks, it mostly felt like this guy wasn't interested in making a profit as much as not attracting attention to himself.

Does this mean that every small business is nothing more than a shell corporation for some larger crime syndicate? Of course not. But, the fact remains that some of them are. It also means that those stores should be a little more careful about who they make the public faces of their stores. Even if the store exists only to cover up illegal activities they should at least make sure that it's a good cover. Hire a couple of useful and friendly salespeople to blend in among the regulars who are just there to protect the larger interests. It will make the whole thing seem more on the up-and-up. And even if you can't fool everyone, it will increase the chances the unconvinced might be willing to let it slide. Customers are willing to overlook a lot of other sins when a place provides good customer service. Not to mention, I'd much rather support a small local business than some giant like Wal-Mart. After all, when you think about some of the moves that company does, mobsters are saints by comparison.

Leave A Message...

2011-12-05T18:27:00.001-05:00

I've always felt as though there are certain phone call cut-off times. You know - people shouldn't be calling too early or too late unless it is an emergency. For example, I never call any of my friends before 10 AM or after 9 PM unless it is something vital (and with me it is never vital). However, this belief has led my brain to conclude that if my phone ever rings too early or too late it can only be bad news on the other end of the line, because why else would anyone be ringing me up so late? This can be quite an issue because not all of my friends have signed this social contract and have no problem calling me up at midnight just to ask me what the villain's name was in "Con Air". Now, because most of my friends are night owls, I have slowly but surely been able to catch on that they most likely aren't calling with bad news no matter how late it is. But that still leaves me to deal with really early morning phone calls which immediately fill me with a sense of dread.

This morning my cell phone started buzzing at me at 5:30, a full hour and half before I had set my alarm to go off. After a few seconds of trying to convince myself otherwise I finally acknowledged that there was no one else in my bedroom it could belong to, so yes, it was my phone and my responsibility to answer it. The few steps it took to reach my phone were filled with all sorts of scenarios of who the hell was calling me this early. It was my cellphone and not the landline, which narrowed the possibilities slightly. My imagination was not helped by the fact that the caller ID just said "Massachusetts", which often shows up when you call from a hospital in the area (don't ask me how I know this). However, before I had a chance to open my phone it stopped ringing. Basically, it had just rung long enough to wake me up. I gave it a second to see if they would call back or leave a voicemail, but neither happened. I tried going back to bed, but it just wasn't going to happen.

As I laid in bed, tossing and turning I found myself getting annoyed. Not only because I was woken up so early but because I had a late Sunday, I was really tired and yet I still couldn't fall back asleep. Of course, I blamed all these problems and more (including global warming) on my anonymous wake-up caller. I mean, if you are going to call and wake me up, the least you could do is leave a message. After a half an hour of failing to find a comfortable spot in my bed I gave up and decided to check my email. But, once I was online I couldn't help but doing a reverse look-up of the number through the phone book. (Mostly to make sure it wasn't from a private doctor's office or anything.) Turns out it was just a local landline and the person most likely dialed the wrong number. For about five seconds I contemplated calling them back and asking them what was so damn important at this early hour, but chickened out. I just hope whoever they called at the correct phone number asked them for me.

Format-Free

2011-12-04T13:08:00.001-05:00

Normally, I'm up for a little randomness in my life (as if you couldn't tell from the varied topics on this blog). But when it comes to my music, I seem to get into very specific phases. I get into a mood to hear certain genres of music at certain times and nothing from outside it. This seems to be a problem lately because new music has begun to blur the lines between musical formats. Turning on the radio these days you never know what you are going to hear. Country music can show up on the pop stations just as easily as some rap and hip-hop. Everything can be played just about anywhere (outside of the classic rock stations - on those you know it's going to be 1 of about 13 bands).

I bring this us because the other day I woke up with a chorus in my head and I wasn't sure where it came from. Sometimes I don't mind having a song stuck in my head... this was not one of those times. Honestly, I wasn't sure I even knew what the song was - all I knew was the chorus, which actually made it more annoying. I ended up Googling it and discovering that it's a pretty new song, but that still didn't explain how it got into my brain. It might be in a commercial or promo, but as it kept replaying in my head I wasn't really concerned with how it got in there, I just wanted it out. I thought listening to something else would help clear my mind. So, I turned on the hip-hop station, only to hear the same damn chorus from the same damn song that had been on repeat in my mind all day. It is decidedly not a hip-hop song, so I'm still trying to figure out what it was doing there. Either way, at this point I'm trying to go the other way and playing it so much I get sick of it. Enjoy being included in my strange little experiment.

Weekly Sporties

2011-12-03T13:07:00.002-05:00

-Just a couple days after I said they needed to get a move on with their managerial search, the Boston Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Personally, I was on the fence about the decision at first. After all, I've never met the man but he took a team to the World Series and yet couldn't get another job in the majors until now? That's a red flag. It's like when the super-nice and cheap apartment is still available - suddenly you wonder what might be wrong with it. However, I was convinced this was a smart hire the second it came to light that several Red Sox players were not happy about their new manager. Apparently, they think Bobby V might be a little harder to deal with. I'm sorry, are these the same Red Sox players who blew the biggest lead in Wild Card history and choked away the post season? The ones who couldn't be trusted to police their own clubhouse? Well, sorry boys, but that's just too damn bad if you aren't happy about it. In fact, I kind of hope they are pissed. A kick in the pants could be just what they need. They couldn't get the job done when they had a guy like Terry Francona, who was always on their side, managing them so now they have to be managed by a guy who might not be so willing to fall on the sword for them. All they had to do was win one damn game in September. They have no one to blame for this but themselves, so they really should stop looking to the fans for sympathy.

-Speaking of coaches getting hired and fired, no coaching position might be more expendable than hockey coaches. Seriously, those guys get tossed away quicker than Kleenex. I can only assume it has to do with the nature of hockey. I mean, there are only so many ways to draw up a play going to the net. Still, they are often fired quickly and without much warning. Perhaps the best example of this was former Bruins coach Pat Burns who was coach of the year in 1998 and got fired less than two years later. This time around it was Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, who got fired Monday morning despite having a winning record and taking the Capitals to the President's Cup (best record in hockey) just two seasons ago. Then, as if to prove my point about how tenuous a hockey coach's job can be the Anaheim Ducks fired their coach Wednesday night just so they could hire Boudreau, even though their coach won them a Stanley Cup in 2007 and just sign a contract extension through 2014 during the summer. Clearly the lesson for hockey coaches is that you should rent, not buy.

-It took all of about two days once the NBA lockout ended for rumors to start back up that the Celtics were looking to trade point guard Rajon Rondo. Rondo was frequently the subject of trade rumors before he signed a contract extension last year and a lot of people thought now that he was signed he would be considered untouchable. However, I'm not surprised. If you look at the Celtics' roster there isn't much else out there people would want to trade for. Garnett makes too much money, Ray Allen is too old, Paul Pierce is a Celtic for life and the rest of the roster simply isn't very appealing. If the Celtics want to make any moves of significance, Rondo is the only attractive chip they have left to bargain with. Now, GM Danny Ainge has said that he doesn't plan to trade Rajon, but where there is smoke there is usually fire. Rondo's name has simply come up way too much for there to be no truth to all these rumors. Also, more than a few people have reminded us that Rondo is really sensitive to this kind of stuff. If they keep dangling him out there at some point they are going to be forced to trade him or risk him poisoning the locker room. I'd like to say I trust Danny to makes these kinds of decision, but the last time I checked he was shipping out Kendrick Perkins so Shaquille O'Neal could get more playing time. Let's just say my confidence in him is a little shaken at the moment.

-One of the names floating out there for Rondo is that of New Orlean's guard Chris Paul. Now, Paul is a very good player and wants to be paid liked it, but he also wants help in the form of another superstar on the roster and he wants to play in a big market. In other words, he wants out of New Orleans. Now, the worst part for the Hornets is that there really isn't much they can do about it. Paul wants to leave (he wants to play for the Knicks), he's eventually going to leave (probably to play for the Knicks) and every other team in the league knows it. As such the rest of the teams in the NBA are going to low-ball New Orleans because they know the Hornets don't have much bargaining leverage. You know, one of the reasons the NBA was locked out all summer was because the small-market teams like the Hornets were tired of not having enough money to keep their superstars on their teams and they wanted to stop every good player from ending up on the same 8 or 9 teams. After a nearly 200-day lockout it sure as hell doesn't look like much as changed. Man, and I thought the lockout was useless before...

-After getting benched six games into the season, Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb asked for and was granted a release from the team late in the week. He went unclaimed through the NFL's waiver process and is now free to sign with any team he wants. Personally, I'm not sure how many teams want McNabb. Sure, he was good in the early 2000s, but that sure feels like a long time ago right about now. However, you wouldn't be able to tell that from the talking heads on ESPN. You see, every couple of years the network brings in a fresh crop of former players for fresh faces and perspectives. Where it gets weird is when those former players have to talk about guys they used to either play against or be teammates with. At that point you can tell they are just basing all their opinions on what they used to see on the field. For example Hugh Douglas, who used to play with McNabb in Philadelphia, was on TV the other day talking about how teams would be smart to sign Donovan because McNabb has such a strong arm. Are we talking about the same Donovan McNabb who I've watch one-hop 20-yard passes for the last 2 seasons? It might be time for some of these analysts to get back into the film room, because with opinions like that it sure seems like they aren't paying attention.

-If there was ever any doubt whether or not Tiger Woods was still the most influential golfer on the planet, look no further than this weekend's Chevron World Challenge. It's an 18 man field (very exclusive), doesn't count in the standing at all but hands out a lot of prize money and thus it's pretty much the very example of the rich getting richer. Now, normally it would barely be worth a mention. But, Tiger came out Thursday afternoon and put together a very nice round, tying for second place. On ESPN there was not a single mention of the guy who was actually in the lead, but there were two stories about Tiger's shoes. You see, Tiger started out the day wearing white shoes, but was wearing black shoes after the 9th hole. The announcers spent the remaining part of the day wondering if it the change was due to conditions, or perhaps pain in his knee, or maybe the spikes were different. Good God, we needed to know: what was going on with Tiger's shoes!?!?!? Well, turns out he broke a lace and thought it would be faster to change shoes than re-lace the ones he was wearing. Mystery solved and much ado about nothing. It's been said before and it needs to be said again: Tiger doesn't move the needle, Tiger is the needle.

-All of the realignment that has been going on in college athletics for the passed couple of years is due to one thing: conferences trying to get Championship Games. Every school in a conference gets a nice chunk of TV money when they have a Conference Championship to televise, so the various leagues have spent the last couple of years collecting enough teams from other places to create two divisions and have their own conference championship. Well, this is the first year for the Pac-12 Conference Championship. It happened last night and it pitted #9 Oregon against a 6-6 and unranked UCLA squad. You see, thanks to USC being under NCAA sanctions they were ineligible for the conference championship, so UCLA ended up winning the division by default. The same UCLA who lost by 50 points to USC last week and subsequently fired their coach. The same UCLA who wasn't going to play the game unless they got a special waiver from the NCAA saying they would still be bowl eligible at 6-7 because they knew they were going to get wasted, thus have a losing record and you need to be at least .500 to play in a bowl. Not exactly the game you would want for your first conference championship. So it was hardly surprising that when the game was played last night Oregon blew the doors of UCLA in a contest that was neither very close nor very interesting. My point in all this? Beware what you wish for.

You Need A Cooler Car

2011-12-02T19:06:00.002-05:00

A recurring theme on this blog is that every guy out there is currently starring in an action movie in his own mind. It's not totally our fault - it is the product of a youth spent watching movies like "Die Hard" every weekend. If you see a guy in line, rest assured in his mind he is currently figuring out a plan of action should terrorists decide to take over this particular sub shop. Nowhere is this action hero mentality clearer then when we are behind the wheel of our cars. It doesn't actually matter where we are going, we're thinking that it is vital we get their quickly. When you see a guy weaving in and out of traffic you may think he's just being an overly-aggressive driver, but in his mind he's trying to get to the President before a bomb goes off.

This afternoon I was driving in front of exactly this type of action star wannabe. As he was weaving his car in and out of traffic, even cutting into the quasi-breakdown lane to pass several cars on the right, he made it abundantly clear he was in a hurry. Though, once I got a look at him I never would have thought he had anywhere to go. Besides that, there was another huge flaw in his action-star fantasy: he was driving a Buick. No action star drives a Buick. My parents had a Buick. In fact he had the same kind of Buick that my parents used to drive and I know this because after he passed me but before I could even see the decal on the back of the car I could see the clock clearly. The huge clock display is a clear sign of any Buick.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about a few other things or vehicles that should immediately put a stop to any action-star fantasy. I know people can have very active imaginations, but there are some things even the best mind can't overcome.

-The car is pre-2000, but post-1980: Let's be honest with each other - the 80s and 90s were not a good time for car makers. There were very few iconic cars put out during this period. If you are going to drive an older car, it should least be a classic. Would you ever seen an action star driving a 1996 Ford Taurus?

-Different color panels: I know that some times action movies start with the hero down on his luck, driving a POS. Admittedly, you can overcome this if you happen to be a particularly good looking man. It would be easier if you were driving an Audi.

-Bumper stickers: Hey, sometimes bumper stickers can't be helped. If the car is being passed down through the family (and you could easily make the case that hand-me-down cars are an automatic action star disqualifier), there are going to be a few stickers you may not agree with: schools you didn't go to, mountains you never skied, children that are no longer student of the month at an elementary school. But if you want to be bad-ass you have to scrape them off. Otherwise you are just going to kill your bad-ass mojo before it even starts.

So, there you go - just a couple of the things that should bring any action-star fantasy to a halt immediately. If any of these things apply to your mode of transportation I'm going to have to ask that you cool it with the aggressive driving and come back to reality. At least until you find yourself on line at the bank. At that point, feel free to be on the lookout for bad guys.

The Importance Of Wish Lists

2011-12-01T18:12:00.005-05:00

Right after Thanksgiving, people start on me about what I want for Christmas. While I admit this is hardly a bad problem to have, it is still awkward. First off, I hate asking people to buy me stuff. The way I figure it, if I haven't already bought it for myself than I probably don't need it. Also, is there any way to fill out a Christmas wish list without feeling like a complete and total brat? Because it really doesn't feel like it. Seriously, try and hand people a long list of things for them to buy for you without feeling like Veruca Salt from "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory". Can't be done. What makes this so ironic is that I often like it when people make gifts lists, because I usually need help coming up with ideas for people. When I don't have a list to work off of, that is when bad things happen.

The other day I was doing some pre-Christmas shopping scouting. I do this every year - check out a few stores and hope that inspiration strikes. I don't always end up getting the person the exact thing I see, but hopefully it will at least set me on the right path. From there I can go home and do a little more research about a product and see if I can get a better deal online. And, on occasion, it has shown me exactly what I won't be buying someone, which can be just as handy. It is when inspiration doesn't strike me that I start to get a little worried and my gift-buying can go a little sideways.

While out on my little scouting excursion I had a very specific person in mind. And so far this holiday season I have been drawing a blank as to what I could possibly get them for a gift. But, I found myself in a large store that was having an even larger sale. At one point I looked to my right and saw that one thing they seemed to be pushing were bread makers. Now, my friend has no need for a bread maker. I don't think he's ever told me he wants to make bread and I'm not even sure he would know where to begin in the bread making process. However in that moment with no other gift possibilities coming to mind, I began to talk myself into getting him a bread maker.

I mean, I know he eats bread. Maybe he would appreciate the chance to make it himself. It could be a learning experience. Frankly, he might appreciate the chance to learn a new skill. He's never tried it - what if he loves it? Then I'm the hero for introducing him to the wonderful world of bread making. And think of all the money he could save if he didn't have to buy bread every couple of weeks. Not only would this gift be a new hobby, but it would be financially smart as well. This would be the gift that kept on giving. This could be the best gift ever!

I'm fairly convinced that the simple lack of a better idea has led to 95% of all bread maker purchases. Fortunately for my friend I talked myself out of this gift just as quickly as I talked myself into it. But, see, this is what happens when you don't tell people what you want for a gift. They sit there and start talking themselves into random items for no other reason than they can't think of anything better. So, as awkward as you may feel having to sit down and make out a wish list this holiday season, just know that anyone who wants to get you a gift appreciates it. It's either that, or start practicing your surprised face so they won't be disappointed at your reaction to your brand new bread maker.

Phone Tag

2011-11-30T18:33:00.001-05:00

Even though I am not thrilled when they call my house (especially since I'm supposed to be on the National Do-Not-Call list), I try not to be a dick to telemarketers. First off, I'm sure they aren't any happier about the situation than I am. I highly doubt many of them sat around when they were younger dreaming of being yelled at and hung up on for 8 hours a day and I really don't think the younger versions of themselves wrote essays about how when they grow up they want to call total strangers in the middle of dinner to try and talk them into having their chimney swept. If they could they would probably switch careers in a heartbeat, so I'm not going to hold their current job against them. But all I ask in return is that they start respecting my wishes when I tell them I'm not interested. Seriously, some of these guys just will not take no for an answer.

The first one happened last week. My phone rang and on the other end was "Rachel" from some credit card, with a recorded message offering the chance to lower my interest rates. Now, this is not the first time "Rachel" has called. A little Internet research (so you know it's true) reveals that this is some kind of loophole from the last government stimulus package that allows them to keep calling, even after you put your number on the Do-Not-Call list. Anyway, after listening to the entire message I was told that if I pressed one I could speak to a live operator, but if I pressed 2 my number would be taken off the list and I would not be contacted again. I pressed 2. I then waited... and waited... and waited for the cheesy music to stop, at which point I was connected to a live person. "Hi," he said. "Did you press 1 to learn about lowering your interest rates?" No, I informed him, I pressed 2 to be taken off this list. I then heard a disgusted grunt as if the guy had been personally insulted and he hung up on me. Awesome. Did he forget that his company were the ones that called me? "Rachel" has called my house since then, meaning I wasn't even taken off the list.

Then yesterday I received a call from a very pleasant lady who wanted to know if I would be interested in donating money to breast cancer research. Now, as awful as that disease is, my family has chosen another charity for our donations so I politely told her that I was not going to be donating. But, she kept pressing:

"Sir, are you sure?" I told her that I was. But, have a good day.
"You couldn't even make a small donation?" No. That's what I meant when I said I wasn't interested in making a donation. Did I need to be specific about the size of the donation I didn't want to make?
"Not even $20?" When did we start haggling? And if $20 is on the third no, how much were you planning on getting from me when you first called?
"Any bit would be appreciated." Bitch, are you not listening? I said no. How many times do I have to tell you that? Maybe you should go work for a foundation that works with people who have hearing problems.

Now, obviously, I didn't say that last part. I tried to keep my voice down and remain calm, but she was really starting to piss me off. The quickest way to get on my nerves is to make me say the same thing over and over again and that is what this woman was doing. She had my answer and she wasn't changing my mind. So, here's the deal telemarketers: if you call my house I won't scream, cuss or talk down to you. Hell, I'll even go so far as to listen to your entire sales pitch just to be nice. But when I tell you no (and, spoiler alert, I'm gonna tell you no 100% of the time), please accept my decision and get the hell of my phone. Otherwise, I'm just going to be added to the long list of people who hang up on you in mid-sentence and neither of us want that. Unless, of course, you were the weird kid who wanted to be hung up on. In that case, you definitely made the right career choice.

Just Show Me The Highlights

2011-11-29T19:17:00.002-05:00

When I am watching football, all I'm looking for from my announcing team is the score, time remaining and the names of obscure players who were added to the roster this week. If they feel like they should include any more information I'll take it but it is really not necessary. What I most definitely do not want or need is some kind of opinion about sports and morality. But, that is exactly what I got this Sunday following the Bills/Jets game. For those of you who did not see it, the Bills scored a touchdown late in the first half. Bills wide-out Stevie Johnson, who had caught the touchdown, proceeded to do a little endzone celebration where he mimicked being shot in the leg while dancing. For a little context, three years ago Jets wide receiver Plaxico Burress was in a New York City night club when the gun that was in his waistband slipped down and shot him in the leg. He was subsequently charged with various gun violations and served 20 months in prison. Clearly, this dance was intended to make fun of that.

Almost immediately people started commenting about it on various social media sights. Scott Hanson, the host of NFL's RedZone channel (greatest channel in history), said the celebration was classless and seemed much more upset about it than Plaxico was when asked about it after the game. Other sports analysts seemed to take great glee in the fact that Johnson got a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct, meaning that the Bills had to kickoff from the 20, as if the entire roster should somehow pay for this. (The happiest guy in this entire incident has to be Bills kicker Dave Rayner, who whiffed on the ensuing kickoff. Even with Johnson's penalty the Jets' drive should have started around midfield. Rayner's awful kick, the equivalent of a pro golfer whiffing on the tee box, put them at the Bills' 30. Yet somehow everything that happened was Johnson's fault.) Johnson later had two critical drops in the closing minutes of the 4th quarter that would have won the game for the Bills and from the tone in a few guys' voices you would have thought it Johnson was getting karmic payback for kicking a box of puppies.

However, it was Bob Costas that took it to another level by basically saying the Stevie Johnson celebration was a sign of how this country is going down the tubes. At halftime of every Sunday Night game NBC gives Costas a little soapbox to speak about something that happened in the NFL. This week he started off by saying that people are too busy "keeping up with the Kardashians to notice that we live in a culture that gets more stupid and graceless by the moment." Yes, tell the people watching your show (whose ratings wouldn't suffer one bit if Costas left tomorrow) how much you think they suck. Solid start. He then went on a rant about how players are too self-absorbed and spend too much time worrying about their endzone celebrations. He couldn't have sounded more like an old man griping about how things were better in his day than if he was sitting in a rocking chair on a porch and yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn. Also, it's a little hard to take a lecture about how people are too self-absorbed from a guy who probably spent 30 minutes in hair and make-up right before his appearance. Costas had been universally praised for his handling of the Jerry Sandusky interview a couple weeks before this, but it took just two minutes for people's opinions to be severely lowered.

Even though I'm not much of a dancer I have no problem with guys doing some celebrating when they make it to the endzone. Admittedly, I think most of the time they end up looking like idiots and I really can't stand it when they celebrate while down by a lot of points, but I get that football is a rough game and it has to be played with emotion to be played well. It you want to let those emotions out, fine. I actually have a much bigger problem with penalizing people for celebrating, especially at the pro level. This isn't pop-warner where everyone gets a trophy and no one's feelings should ever be hurt. We're talking about professional football and if you don't want to see somebody do a dance in your endzone then I suggest you stop them from getting there. It feels like Costas had the wrong rant anyway. If he was going to be offended he should be pissed at how PC we've become. When did making fun of the guy who brought a loaded gun into a crowded nightclub even though he clearly didn't know how to handle it, thereby endangering dozens of people and only by sheer dumb luck ended up just hurting himself become worse than actually being the guy who did the crime? I get that Plaxico served his time, but that doesn't mean he isn't above making fun of.

I can't stand it when people like Bob Costas think we give a crap about their opinions. Joe Buck's moral stand on Randy Moss fake-mooning a crowd in Green Bay is one of the main reasons people dislike him. Why don't you let us worry about whether or not we're offended and you can focus on calling out the right people's name, which some of these guys often get wrong. We're there for the game, not you. You could replace most play-by-play announcers with silence and I'm not sure many people would complain. Hell, I didn't even watch Bob's rant live - I never watch his halftime spiel. I only went online to see it later because everyone was remarking about what a tool he was being. People have enough unwanted opinions in their lives, sports should be the one place where they can just watch what is happening and not have to be told how outraged they should be about some event. But, the good news is that if Costas still feels like he has to give out these opinions no one really cares about he can start a blog like the rest of us.

Not Even Close

2011-11-28T18:40:00.001-05:00

For as much complaining as I do about weathermen, at least they are occasionally right. They may only hit at a 50% clip on the long-range stuff, but usually by the night before a storm hits they have the forecast predicted correctly. This week I was reminded of a group of people who would kill to be right half the time and never come close, yet somehow escape a similar level of scrutiny: fantasy sports 'gurus'. The league that I am in is hosted by ESPN. One of the perks that ESPN offers is that it will predict the scores for head-to-head fantasy match-ups and based on those projections you can give the expected losing team extra points to try and make it close. Now, no one in my league has even thought about using this service and here is why: the projected scoring is wildly off. These so-called fantasy experts are never even close to figuring out how players are going to perform on any given week.

Now, I'm willing to accept that injuries are part of the game of football and that the people in charge of predicting points can't be held accountable when a player twists his ankle five minutes into the first quarter. That's totally reasonable. However, I'm talking about the guys who sit behind desks with mountains of math to back them up and tells you with conviction on Wednesday that Player X is going to have 115 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns, when it turns out that on Sunday he has 20 yards and no scores. If you're such an insider, shouldn't you have had a better idea of how the other team was going to game plan to make sure that didn't happen and adjust your prediction accordingly? And if you're not such an insider, why the hell should I care what you think? Everyone has opinions, you're on TV because yours are supposed to be based on some data to back them up.

I think the main reason this stuff bothers me is the unbelievable arrogance that these fantasy predictors seem to have. They never come out and tell you what they think might happen, these guys sit on TV with a smirk on their face and tell you what will happen. They have a level of self-confidence that would be admirable if it wasn't so damn annoying. I can pretend to know what I'm talking about too, but you don't see me demanding a six-figure salary while delivering a zero percent success rate. The old sports cliche is that on any given Sunday a team can beat any other team in the league regardless of records or talent, which is what makes the predicting game such a weird job to have in the first place. The experts always have this fall-back position of the unpredictably of sports to fall back on, which makes actually pointing out how often they fail a waste of time.

There are some people out there who will point out that games aren't played on paper and that it is nearly impossible to say how one specific player is going to perform during a game. I would tend to agree with those people. However, that is just what these fantasy football people claim they can do. They have made this into a job and for some reason no one seems to be holding them accountable for being terrible at it. If you were always wrong at your job, how long do you think you would last? A normal person would be fired within a couple months, but I have never heard of a fantasy expert getting fired for being wrong too often. Instead, at ESPN these guys get their own spin-off shows to be wrong on. I would also like to remind everyone that fantasy sports are a billion-dollar industry and so, honestly, even if these people are doing little more than flat-out guessing they had damn well start guessing better.

A Crowded Interlude

2011-11-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

I don't do Black Friday. At some point in the past I decided that sleeping late and taking a day later in the holiday season to do the majority of my shopping is the smarter plan of attack. Most places have sales going on the entire month of December and while the discounts won't be as steep as they are on Black Friday, they are usually still good enough to warrant skipping the most crowded shopping day of the year and staying home.

Besides, with every news report of people getting trampled and assaulted during these sales I wonder how much longer Black Friday midnight sales are going to last anyway. At some point business owners and police are going to decide that is is a safety issue and stores can't keep letting people get out of control like this. After all, there had to be a reason the woman in Los Angeles thought she had to bring pepper spray with her on Black Friday. When you have to arm yourself to go shopping something is seriously out of whack. Ask yourself this simple question: how much good is a 62-inch television really going to do you if you can't see because your eyes are burning?

Weekly Sporties

2011-11-26T14:36:00.005-05:00

-As the calendar prepares to flip to December, the Boston Red Sox still don't have a manager. The guy who was their first choice, Dale Sveum, ended up taking the Cubs job and none of the other candidates appear to have done a very good job of distinguishing themselves from the pack. As such, the media cry for the Sox to hire Bobby Valentine (the biggest name left on the pile) is getting louder. It isn't because they think Bobby V will be the best man for the job - they'll tell you otherwise, but in reality the media doesn't care about that. The real reason they want him in Boston is that Valentine is open, talkative and quick with a quote. In other words, he will make their jobs much, much easier. If they are smart about it the Sox will hurry up and make a decision, because if they don't the talking heads are going to get behind Valentine, the sports talk radio listeners will follow and convince themselves Valentine is the only man for the job. Then if the team ends up hiring someone else that guy is going to have an uphill climb to win over a fanbase who thinks the better option got away. So, the sooner the Sox can get this behind them the better off the next guy will be.

-Staying in baseball, it was announced earlier this week that the players union and the front offices for Major League Baseball had agreed on a new labor agreement. The old one was set to expire next month and both sides wanted to get a deal done before that. So, even though they had a few sticking points, like expanded playoffs and increased drug testing, the deal was negotiated behind closed doors and is expected to be signed off in a few days, so the league won't miss a beat. I'm sorry, do the two sides not know how this is done? First you let the old deal expire, then you lock out the players, then you both hold grand-standing press conferences to negotiate through the media while the days tick away, then you come together right before the season is about to be cancelled and agree on the deal that has been on the table from the beginning. At least, that is how everyone else appears to do it. I mean, since when the hell is baseball the most well-run sports league?

-I don't know if the baseball labor agreement being agreed to quietly was the sign that everyone involved in the NBA labor negotiations needed, but late last night the sides came together on a new deal behind closed doors which is expected to be ratified in a couple days and the league should kick off on Christmas Day, with each team playing about 65 games. Now, the deal that was signed is very similar to the deal which had been proposed for a couple of weeks, so just like I said would happen the two sides could and should have been at this point well before now. And the union's grand bargaining idea of decertification of the player's union is now only going to slow things down, as they have to re-form as a union to agree to the new deal. In other words, they missed a paycheck for nothing. But, at least the season will get started without missing too many games and that probably isn't a bad thing, as there are too many games to begin with. Honestly, I think I will survive if the Celtics only play the Bobcats twice instead of three times.

-After the Internationals lost the Presidents' Cup for the 7th time in 9 meetings, Captain Greg Norman came out and suggested a few changes to the format. First thing he wants to get rid of is the schedule of the foursome sessions, where partners hit alternate shots. The Internationals lost the two foursome sessions by a score of 8-3, which is also how many shots the lost the Presidents' Cup by. (Weird, right? Got to be a coincidence.) Norman said the American team has an advantage since they play the Ryder Cup in the years that the Presidents' Cup is not being played and therefore they get more practice time with it. For now we'll ignore the fact the the Europeans don't appear to have any problems with the format and if it was such an advantage then the Americans' record in the Ryder Cup would be much better. Instead I'll just say that Norman has picked the wrong time to voice these complaints. You can't come out and suggest changes to the event you just lost, specifically to the format that you were worst in. Even if your concerns are valid they are just going to come across as sour grapes. This is one of those moments where you should just write any ideas you have down on a list and come back with them in a little while. For example, Norman also wants more captain's picks. Considering that one of his picks was the only man on either team not to record a point, I don't see that getting much traction. Maybe with a little time to gain perspective, he will see that is one suggestion he can leave off his list. See, I'm helping.

-In the 3rd quarter of the Thanksgiving Day game between the Lions and the Packers, Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh got tangled up with a Packers' offensive lineman. Both fought their way to the ground, where the fight continued (as it usually does) well after the whistle. As he was being pulled off the lineman, Suh took the opportunity to fire one last shot and stomped at the Packer, landing on his arm. For his actions Suh was ejected and will likely be suspended for a game. All that is fine with me. It's football - these things happen. What annoyed me the most was after the game, when Suh tried to defend himself by saying he wasn't trying to stomp on the guy, he was turning to leave and he would never do such a thing. Dude, we have it on video. We all saw it in double slow-motion. I know everything looks worse in slow-mo, but there is no getting around this. By trying to convince us that something we all witnessed happen didn't happen, you insult our intelligence. That isn't going to win you any fans. Had you just own up to it and chalk it up to the heat of the moment and we would have all moved on. Now people are not only going to think you're dirty, but they're going to make fun of you for saying something so stupid on top of it. (Of course, they won't do it to your face. You have a history of stomping on people. No one taunts the violent guys to their face.)

-In the middle of the week the University of Arizona hired former Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez to run their program. Now, I don't have a problem with the hire, I actually really like it. I think Rodriguez's open style of offense will play very well in the Pac-12 and with no expectations on him he'll be able to build the program up at a reasonable pace. No, what I took exception to was the fact that the University first announced his hire on Twitter. Now, look, I've become quite fond of Twitter in the two years that I have been using it. That being said, it is not how I would choose to announce an important decision for my university. Maybe you send out a Tweet linking back to the University's website and the official press release, but the first place you turn to when announcing something like this should hold a little more weight than where most people go to announce their dinner plans.

-Another university about to undergo a coaching change is that of THE Ohio State University. Apparently, Ohio State has an agreement in place with former Florida coach and current ESPN analyst Urban Meyer. Reports from various ESPN reporters say the money is all figured out, Meyer just wants to make sure the school isn't going to be under any NCAA sanctions for prior problems before he officially takes the job. Now, all someone has to do is tell that to Urban Meyer, because he has spent the better part of a week telling anyone who will listen that he has no such agreement in place, he has not been offered any coaching job and he certainly hasn't accepted any job. Clearly, someone in this equation is either loud-wrong or lying. I assume it is Meyer because he is a football coach and they always lie about this kind of stuff. Still, that has to make for a few super-awkward moments around the ESPN production meetings.

Thanksgiving Ramblings

2011-11-25T17:48:00.000-05:00

-There was a bit of controversy yesterday when some former "American Idol" contestant was singing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and was way off with his lip-syncing from one of the parade floats. Now, I wasn't watching it and it is no secret that people lip-sync their performances during the parade (what I can't answer is why they are there in the first place), but from all accounts it was extremely bad, even by normal standards. People are giving him a fair amount of crap for it, but the only thing is that I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. When you think about it, doesn't the fact that you are a terrible lip-syncer mean that you haven't spent much time practicing it? That has to make you feel good if you wanted to see that person in concert - it means they usually perform live. I think is it is the equivalent of someone locking their keys in their car: you want them to be able to get back in, but you don't want them to do it with world record timing. That would raise more questions than it answers.

-There was another bit of controversy surrounding another former "American Idol" contestant yesterday. This time it was a girl (and no, I don't remember her name and won't go looking it up out of principle), who took a pause in the middle of the National Anthem before the Packers and Lions game, making it abundantly clear she had forgotten the words for a second. First off, this is exactly why I don't watch "American Idol" - all it has done is given us a bunch of bland singers to perform the National Anthem before sporting events on Fox, each one completely indistinguishable from the next. But secondly, I keep hearing from musicians how hard the National Anthem is and I want to call bullshit. While I'm certainly not about to give it a try, I don't think it is as hard as they want us to believe. Thirdly, this is exactly why Christina Aguilera shouldn't be the judge on any singing competitions: she's clearly a bad influence.

-Whenever I see news stories concerning Black Friday, they always interview someone who has been waiting outside a store since 3 AM. And all I can think when I see these stories is that clearly those people don't have a comfy bed. Seriously, after a day of turkey, beer and sitting on a couch it practically takes a stick of dynamite to get me out of bed the next morning. I don't care how much televisions are being discounted, my bed is simply not going to let me go. Now, admittedly I'm not a napper so my tryptophan slumber builds all day and then really kicks my ass at night. Still, I think instead of getting in line in the middle of the night to get a good price on a GPS, some of those people should see if the local mattress store is having a big sale they need to know about.

-I make no secret of the fact that geography is not my thing, even local locations. I'm really terrible at knowing where towns are located, especially when it comes to the North Shore of Massachusetts. Anything north of Wakefield or west of Framingham and I'm pretty much guessing. But even with that admission I assume it's especially bad (even for me) that I seem to learn most of my Massachusetts geography by seeing which high schools play each other on Thanksgiving. ("Oh, Grafton is out by Millbury. Now, if only I knew where Millbury was...") It's ok, I've just lived in this state my whole life. I'm bound to figure out where everything is at some point.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T12:00:00.008-05:00

Hope everyone is having a safe

and wonderful Thanksgiving!

Enjoy a day full of family,

football and too much food.