That's Probably Why It's Free

It had recently come to my attention that you can get MP3's through Amazon.com and that some new music was actually cheaper to get there than through iTunes. Also, imagine my surprise when I noticed they have a sample section and you can get some tracks for free. The first two things I noticed was that they had some comedy clips (Craig Ferguson and Jim Gaffigan), which I quickly "bought" and they were pretty funny.

This got me all excited and I spent the next half hour going through all the free MP3's, looking for more music to download. Turns out, the comedy clips were the only good things that were worth the time it took to download. It was a lot of bands or singers I had never heard of, singing songs that I would rather not hear again. I listened to several clips, just in case there was a hidden gem in the mix, but alas, no. It turns out that even free, they're not worth it.

But I still spent a good amount of time on the website and found other stuff that I would like to buy. It's the free samples, that's how they draw you in. Now I know why BJ's hands them out.

-Just know ahead of time that I am fully prepared to go ballistic tonight. Because, you see, in the messed up world of the NBA playoffs, two wrongs make a right.

The officials have been getting blasted for the last two days by talk radio and the talking heads on ESPN for not calling a flagrant foul on Rondo at the end of Game 5. Now, whether they should have could be up for debate. But now, instead of taking their criticism like professionals, they will try to make it up to Chicago and their fans by not calling any fouls. Rondo could be tripped, shoved and stabbed on his way to the hoop tonight and nothing will be called.

That I know it's coming and have already made my peace with this fact should tell you just how awful the refs at your average NBA game are.

Celtic Ramblings

Last night was an entertaining game all the way through. It was especially entertaining because the Celtics won. Had they lost, the game would have been less entertaining and more excruciating. Anyways, I had several observations throughout the contest and I figured now would be a good time so share them with you.

• The game's Hero Among Us, which is where the team takes the opportunity to honor a person who does extraordinary things and who also has a New England tie, was Captain Richard Phillips - a Mass Maritime grad who traded himself in an attempt to keep the rest of his crew safe when his ship was overtaken by pirates. A brave act, to be sure. But don't you think that the Navy SEALs, who took out three pirates (with three head shots... at the same time), should be getting a little love here? At least a ticket to the game? Anything?
  
• At some point this summer, a team like Oklahoma City or Charlotte will open the checkbook and offer Glen Davis a deal somewhere in the area of 5 years/30 million dollars. At that time I suggest the Celtics let me drive him to the airport. Seriously, if someone offers you that, Glen, take it before they have a chance to think it through. I have no need for a "power forward" who won't stay on the damn boards. Perk was by himself against multiple Bulls last night. Also, there is no reason why this team should be running their offense through Big Baby while Pierce is forced to get his looks through any accident deflections that come his way. Look, I get it: Davis is a good guy, great in the locker room and does lots of appearances for the team. Big Baby would be great as the second forward off the bench, which is what he was until Powe and Garnett got hurt, but he just isn't good enough to be the starting power forward on a championship-caliber team.
  
• Also, since I'm calling people out: Stephon Marbury, if you ever... and I mean, ever, hesitate to take a wide-open three late in a game and instead give it to a teammate who has to hoist an awkward shot like that again I want you to immediately go to the locker room, change into street clothes and watch the rest of the series from the bench. If we wanted a guy who shrank away in big moments on this team, we would have made a harder push to get Chris Webber out of retirement (frankly, we could use the height right about now).
  
• It shouldn't bother me, but it does: why is Scalabrine the only one on the team wearing a white headband? Everyone else goes with striped look, Scal goes with the all-white one. Like you needed any more help sticking out. C'mon, man, it's a team sport.
  
• This one is not basketball related, but I flipped over to the Sox/Indians contest at halftime and something about baseball continues to bother me: if batters want to wear those huge arm pads that allow them to stand on the plate when they bat, then they should have to keep them on while they're on the base paths. No other sport allows you to add or subtract equipment while you're on the field of play.
  
• I don't want to hear Brad Miller complain about the foul by Rondo at the end of the overtime. That would be karma for getting Ray Allen out of the game on some serious bullshit double foul and then laughing on your way to the bench. What goes around comes around, Brad.
  
• I know I said that I was going to start hating Joakim Noah in this series, but at least he's earned the right to be annoying cause he actually plays and plays well. The Bulls' player that I can't stand the most is Aaron Gray. Dude never plays (took me a while to figure out who the hell he is cause I've never seen a number as he's always got his warm-ups on. As of right now, he and I have scored the same number of points in this series) and yet he's always right in the middle of the picture, making goofy hand gestures and signalling the crowd. This is the equivalent of a kicker calling out a middle linebacker.
  
• Give me Tommy Heinsohn over the national announcers everyday, twice on Sunday and especially in big games. I like my announcers to actually be into the games, call me crazy. Last night when Ray Allen fouled out on a terrible call Tommy was at Defcon 3. I, without the threat of FCC fines, was at Defcon 1. That's a connection you just don't get with the national announcers who only see a team 10 times a year at most.

Game 6 should be interesting, because this young Bulls team will be playing in an elimination game for the first time. The last time they played in a pressure game, it was game 3 and they got clocked. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing the game Thursday night.

A Day Late

So, I had planned to discuss some of this stuff yesterday but I was lying on my couch, not really moving. Instead, you're getting my thoughts a day later than scheduled.

-I like some of what the Patriots did in the draft (coming out with 2 extra second round picks next year), but I didn't get the use of three picks on defensive tackles. I'm not about to say a bad word about a defensive tackle, but if you've already got one of the best in the NFL in Vince Wilfork and a pretty good backup in Mike Wright, why spend three picks on that position? Unless they are thinking of moving from a 3-4 to a 4-3, then it doesn't make much sense. If you're looking to get some security because Wilfork in in the last year of his deal then fine, you get one guy, maybe two in case one is a bust. Three seems excessive, especially when they are big guys who you probably can't convert into ends should they all work out. It just seems like a waste of a pick, when there were clearly other needs that could have been addressed.

-I'll probably never know why, but it seems everyone grew up watching Golden Girls. Now, I'm a guilty as the next guy, but I couldn't tell you what the appeal was to people of my generation. I just know we all watched it and we were all saddened to hear about the passing of Bea Arthur. But, did you know she was active in sports as well? Well, now you do.

I would love to know the order in which they secured the stars of that PSA. Did they blow the budget on Lemieux or Bea Arthur?

-So, we've had bunnies, foxes, deer and now you can add turkeys to the list of the animals that show up in my backyard.

I'm willing to bet that was not the bird that the makers of that bird feeder had in mind.

Could be Allergies... Could be SWINE FLU!

I would never consider myself to be a hypochondriac. In fact, I'm usually willing to ignore obvious symptoms of sickness and discomfort in an effort to avoid doctors' offices. I'm perfectly content to just take some Advil, be miserable in bed for a day or two and let nature take its course. It's the better solution.

Well, yesterday afternoon I began to feel very run down. It hit pretty quickly and I was full-on dragging by 6 o'clock. I had body aches, sinus pain and stomach cramps. I barely made it through Family Guy before I passed out for the evening. I was hot as hell when I fell asleep on top of my covers with the windows open and the fan on, so I should not have been surprised that my teeth were chattering so much it woke me up at 2 am, when it was 30 degrees cooler in my bedroom.

Today I'm feeling much better, as long as my stomach stays empty. Otherwise the nausea comes in waves. Now, I'm sure that this is just allergies kicking my ass for the first time this season. I've never been diagnosed with seasonal allergies before, but that doesn't mean I don't have them. All that being said, if you feel yourself getting sick quickly, can't think of any other reason you may be feeling so crappy and at that same time a new disease is hitting the mainstream media there is always going to be that little part of your brain that goes to the worst possible scenario. I should be in the clear though, as I didn't visit Mexico or have sex with a pig (I'm assuming that's how this whole thing got started...)

...and BOOM goes the tire.

So, yesterday was kind of an interesting day all around.

It started when we went out to breakfast at Nick's down in south Norwood. We were having a great breakfast when all of a sudden a parade broke out; I kid you not. Without warning, we saw fire trucks, police cars and the Colonial Boys coming down the street. Turns out that it was time for the annual Norwood Little League Parade. So, team after team started marching, holding their team banners (sidebar: I don't think I would have wanted to play for the Marlins in little league. Yeah, the major league team isn't so bad but the uniforms are not a good color. And, let's face it, that's all you care about in little league). It was one of those special "for the parents" parades that had more people marching in it than watching it.

After that it was down to Wareham to open up the cottage for the summer. It was a successful trip as everyone seemed to leave the place alone over the winter and everything was as it should be. We measured out for the new deck that we'll be starting to build soon enough and turned on the water, with only one minor leak that had to be dealt with. Once again, I was reminded that my grandfather was a slight man, as I had to go under the house to turn the water on. That is a tight squeeze and he would do it every summer. Overall, it was about as good as could be expected for a house that had been empty for 7 months.

Then the day got screwy. On the way down my dad's truck had started making a weird vibrating noise. It didn't start until we were going over route 24 and got worse as we approached Wareham. After stopping to check it out we could see the tire on the passenger side had a strange wear pattern on the outer rim. I'm no mechanic, but I've never seen a tire go so bad, so fast. So, we decided that it would be much safer to take the back roads home to Norwood. We made it all the way to Bridgewater when BOOM. The steel belts of the tire had shredded and the tread had come off, with enough force that it actually ripped the plastic wheel well right off the truck and sent it flying. We were lucky in that we had enough room to pull over and also that the inner tire hadn't burst so the car didn't go as tilted as it could have. And hey, I had never seen what tire tread is made of, so I learned something.

There is nothing worse than changing a tire. It's just a pain in the ass and on a narrow two-lane road with cars whizzing by at 50 miles an hour it's even less fun (by the way, screw you to the 200 hundred people who just flew on by, but thanks to the one car of old ladies who asked if we needed to call anyone). Fortunately, for all the faults of my dad's truck, the jack system isn't one of them. It was easier to change this thing on the side of the road than it was when I had a flat on my truck in my freakin' driveway, only because all the tools were there (the tire iron in my truck turned out to be the wrong size). Also, surprisingly, he had a great spare - a brand-new tire that had air in it. So, after some time on the side of the road in Bridgewater, we could continue on our adventure home.

The rest of the trip to Kurt's garage was spent patting ourselves on the back about how smart we were to go the back roads home and also we kept pointing out all the worse spots along the drive that we could have blown the tire. I did begin to question my cellphone-free lifestyle, because if I had been driving alone that would have not been good. But, we did pass about 4 golf courses that I now feel like I need to check out, so bonus points for that (now I just need to remember how to get back to them). It wasn't what I would call a fun day, but it at least it was interesting.

Why We Love the NFL Draft

I have friends who can not stand the NFL draft. I can see their point. It's hours upon hours of guys standing around and trying to predict the future. It's almost like watching the weather channel in that way. No one wins, no one loses, everyone gets to be included and everyone can go home happy (well, except for Jets fans). Honestly, it's not how we're raised to think sports should be in America.

But, here is why most sports fans love the draft: because, deep down, every one wants two jobs when they grow up - scout or General Manager of a sports team. The draft gives us the opportunity to play as both. We can act like we're experts if we've seen the kid play one college football game and since we've followed our pro team religiously, we know their needs just as well as the guys paid to run the franchise (or, at least we think we do). We can stand back and tell everyone within ear shot why that was a dumb pick or how you knew that was the guy for your team all along. Best of all is that no one remembers what you said by the next draft, so you never get called on it when you're dead wrong.

Now, admittedly, I could do without some of the tedium of the NFL Draft. There is no need to take the full 10 minutes to make a pick; if you're not sure about who you want after 3 months of evaluating talent, then you should just give up and work in a job where you're not making decisions. If the Lions use their full allotted time with the first pick, then all they are doing is trying to hold the spotlight for as long as possible. They have to know by now who they want to pick or they have the worst scouts in history. If a team does use it's full 10 minutes then that had damn sure better be followed by the commissioner saying, "There has been a trade." Otherwise you're just dragging the process out.

Before we get to the hometown team, I have a couple thoughts:

• I don't get the love affair everyone is having with Mark Sanchez. He has one year starting against a down Pac-10 and he was surrounded by the most talented team in college football. He probably won't have that much talent around him, no matter what team he goes to, and the playing in the NFL isn't exactly like playing against Stanford.


• To wit, why would Seattle draft him? If you think Hasselback is on his last legs than sure, you draft a quarterback. But you do it in rounds 3-5 when no one cares if he sits for 2 years. The 4th pick in the draft should be playing immediately.


• Also, why the hell are the Browns after him so much? Quarterback is the one position they seem set at.


• Those last two points could be totally off and neither team wants him. The NFL Draft is one of those times that no one seems to mind when you lie to their face, even if they know you are doing it.


• I seriously doubt the Broncos trade up to get Sanchez either. If McDaniels is the Belichick disciple that every one seems to think he is then he'll take an experienced quarterback later in the draft thinking that he can mold him into the next Tom Brady or Matt Cassel. Todd Boeckman is a perfect example.


• I don't think the Lions should take Matt Stafford. It's not that I don't think he'll be a good pro, but they're going to be God-awful again this year. Take the (cheaper) lineman you can stick at tackle for the next 10 years, take your lumps this year with Dante Culpepper as your starter, get another Top 5 pick next year and take Sam Bradford. It's the better plan.

Now, as for my Patriots... I have no idea what they're going to do.

Last year I was right on. I knew that they wanted to trade down, how far they were likely to trade down and who they were targeting when they did. Maybe it was because I was in the building every day, even if I wasn't anywhere near the team. Just got it through osmosis. But this year it's harder to decipher. The draft gets harder and harder to predict the farther back the team is because so much can change. People can trade up and down and no one knows for sure who's going to be left after the first 10 picks.

I think they are targeting 3 positions in this year's draft: outside linebacker (with Vrabel in Kansas City they need someone to put across from Thomas), corner (Hobbs is a solid player, just not sure he's the kind of corner you an leave on an island) and tackle (the left side of the line is nothing but all-pros. The right side? Not so much). All are needs, none are major. At this point, they are in the position that they can draft for the future. The best bet is that they'll take the best player left at one of those positions, I just couldn't tell you which one. Personally, I think they could use a running back (Maroney just can't stay healthy), but the team seems to be OK with the running back-by-committee thing right now. They could still take a back, but it won't be in the first three rounds. I'll also say there is no way they use all 3 of their second round picks. They'll trade at least one of them for a better pick in next year's draft.

But, for the heck of it, I'll throw a name out there: Vontae Davis.

The Great Handle Debate of '09

When my sister and brother-in-law bought their house, one of the first things they did was to go out and buy all new handles for their kitchen cabinets and drawers. It's a little thing as far as home improvements go, but it can make a major difference. It updates the look of the whole room in one fell swoop (trust me, I watch Flip this House).

We've had the same handles on the cabinets in our kitchen since we moved in here, 20+ years ago. Now, I don't notice them anymore, but I guess that's the issue. So, my parents decided to change the handles in the kitchen. The question now is what to go with. The faucet on the sink is a brushed gun metal color, but all the appliances are black. Plus, none of the men in the family are blessed with small digits, so being able to get out fat fingers in there is also something that needs to be considered. The only way to really choose is to buy some samples, put them up and see how they fit in the room.

Well, 8 samples later, none of them are the clear favorites to be the new handles. Some are the right feel, but the wrong color. Others are the right color, but a little too ornate for our house. My personal plan to have 32 different handles was quickly shot down as not going to happen. Now, we're having a family party this weekend and I think it'll turn into an election. Everyone can vote on which they like the best (Marshall, showing his MIT education, has already said he likes whichever one my mom likes) and then we'll simply throw out the results and buy more samples.

Who Doesn't Love a Dancing Bear?

In honor of their sweep over the Canadiens, I'm gonna talk a little Bruins hockey today.

Don't worry, I'm not about to jump on the Bruins' bandwagon. Frankly, between prepping for the NFL Draft and watching the Celtics making a title defense while simultaneously trying to piece a line-up together with Brian Scalabrine, Mikki Moore and some duct tape, my fan IQ is stretched pretty thin as it is. I don't think I could give them the attention they deserve.

The Bruins and I divorced back in 2005, when the NHL locked it's players out. Up until that time the team had been notoriously cheap, under the guise that a league-wide economic armageddon was coming and that a salary cap would have to be put in place. Turns out, they were right on (doesn't excuse they previous cheapness, though. Plenty of teams spent money, competed and didn't go bankrupt). They were perfectly positioned to make a killing in free agency as almost all their players' contracts expired at the same time. They had a ton of available money and almost every big name player was there for the taking at a reduced price. It was like starting a fantasy team. Then, because they are the Bruins, they went for the lower and second tier (read: older and cheaper) players. When this didn't work they gave Joe Thornton away for pretty much nothing. That would be when I checked out.

I've kept an eye on the B's since then, mostly because playoff hockey might be the best thing to see live. I went in 2002 against the Canadiens and the building was shaking. But, I'm not about to jump back on and start pretending I was loyal this whole time - it's disrespectful to the die-hards who have hung on through thick and thin. I hated those people who started following the Celtics once Garnett showed up; I'm hardly about to become one of them.

That being said the Bruins have a new ad campaign out and it's very amusing. So, I thought I would share a couple with you, cause who doesn't love a bear with integrity (even if he did steal my dance moves)?

Bunny Bonanza

Finding animals wandering in from the woods behind my house is nothing new. While our share of the trees isn't that big, there are a couple acres to either side that other people own. There is plenty of room for foxes, deer and God knows what else to roam.

The last couple of weeks the animal that seems to be taking control is the rabbit. We've started to see more and more of the little buggers popping up in the backyard, of various sizes and colors. There does seem to be one rather large one, who we can only assume is the mother bunny. It feels like, other than the big one, I never see the same rabbit twice and this may or may not be a good thing. It could be they're just passing through. But, it makes me think that there is quite a bit of action happening in the woods and these bunnies are mating like... well, bunnies.

Normally I wouldn't care one way or another but, come to find out, bunnies can carry ticks. This is an issue because we already discovered that ticks find one of my nieces tasty. That revelation sent my family to a level that could best be described as Defcon 3. Also, we're all Lyme disease experts now, which is nice.

Obviously as long as they stay away from my house I'll be OK leaving the critters alone. But, if they start to make it a habit of coming up on the deck then we'll have to invest in some sort of tick killer so that the girls can still run around in the backyard. Isn't nature just grand?

Quick Sports Hits...

-Ok, that's more like it. I thought the series against the Bulls was going to be 5 or 6 games, but the way that the Bulls have played the last two games it's definitely going 6, if not 7. I still feel like the Celtics have the advantage of experience, especially should it come to a 7th game. In addition to that they definitely have the coaching edge (and this is coming from a guy who's not the biggest Doc Rivers fan). Del Negro really should have saved a timeout in last night's game. You can see now see how much this team misses Garnett on the defensive side of the ball.

Also, the Celtics still need to get Pierce more involved. Watching the game last night he almost seemed an afterthought and it felt like they weren't running enough plays through him. There was no doubt in my mind that Allen was going to be the one taking the last shot. I have to assume that Tony Allen is still too banged up to be effective, otherwise he should have been out there last night on Ben Gordon and allowed Ray Allen to save some energy on the defensive side of the ball.

Now, in every Celtics series I tend to latch on to two players on the other team: one I would love to see wearing green and one I begin to loathe irrationally. I was always a big Brad Miller guy, but he's getting up there in age, so I'm going with Kirk Hinrich. He'd be a great backup guard to Rondo, though he's under contract for a couple more years. I wasn't sure who was going to be the guy that I started to dislike for no real reason, but it was nice of Joakim Noah to step up to the role by trying to stare down Kendrick Perkins. Good luck with that one, Joakim. Perk would wreck you in a fight.

-I forgot how bad coverage of a marathon is to watch on TV. They basically have a guy riding backwards on a motorcycle, driving in front of the lead pack. Only the bike is barely going 20 miles an hour and that's a hard speed hard for a rider to keep a bike controlled and balanced. Add the extra weight of a second rider and all that camera equipment and it's a shaky ride. On TV it ends up looking like the worst home movies your parents ever shot. I got a migraine after about 10 minutes of watching.

Also, I know that other than the New York marathon this is about the only time running takes the center stage of American sports, but do running analysts need to try and cram everything they know about running into one 4 hour telecast? Yesterday everyone was trying to talk over each other talking about pacing, running strategy, wind speed, hills, subtle hills, turning, drafting and kicking. Yeah, we get it: there's a lot more than putting one foot in front of the other for hours at a time. Next year, one at a time, please.

-Full disclosure: I was never a good trash talker. Whenever I was playing sports and some one tried talking shit to me I would just not respond for like 4 plays and then come back with something witty like, "Yeah, whatever" (clever, I know). It was one aspect of sports I just never worked on. So, imagine my surprise to find out that the Vancouver Canucks apparently are taking the time to do research into their opponents lives. That's the dedication that makes you a professional, boys.

Patriots' Day

A.K.A. - Suck on that, rest of America.

This is a holiday in only two states, Massachusetts and Maine (and they only get to play along because they used to be part of Massachusetts). Today commemorates the first battles of the American Revolution in Lexington and Concord. It's also the day that the Red Sox have a ridiculously early game and crazy people run 26 miles in the Boston Marathon. There is a lot going on, so yeah, we just take the day off. As an added bonus there are both Celtics' and Bruins' playoff games tonight.

As a kid I remember going to Concord to see a reenactment of the first battle. I couldn't tell you about the actual battle, I just remember we had to get up really early in the morning, it was cold out and I couldn't see a damn thing. I'm sure it was lovely and historical, though.

I look at the holiday as a reward to Massachusetts for having to shovel out all winter. The weather has finally started to improve, spring had sprung and soon girls in tank tops will dot the landscape. It's a great time of year.

Also, here is my official Marathon preview: pick a Kenyan to win.

Heckler

The other night I was flipping around the movie channels and came across a documentary by Jamie Kennedy entitled Heckler. It was basically comedians talking about some of their worst encounters with people in the audience, the mindset of someone who heckles, but then also going into the strange world of the critic and how far some criticism seems to go in today's world.

It turns out to be a very interest documentary on just how much balls it takes to stand in front of a group of complete strangers and try to entertain them, not knowing a thing about them. You could launch into a whole bit about country music, not knowing that the sound techs from Brooks & Dunn are in the audience and who now all want to kick your ass. Most of my performances had the anonymity of a microphone and radio waves separating me from those who wished to tell me just how annoying my voice sounds first thing in the morning, so I have a great respect for those who are willing to face the firing squad, as it were.

Alcohol plays a large part in the equation of heckling, of course. Most of the hecklers that Kennedy talked to were trashed and had no insights or constructive criticism, they just wanted to be obnoxious. The best moment was when Kennedy switched places with one of them, put the kid on stage and started to mess with him. The way the kid crumbled was priceless. I think he'll be sitting in the back rows from now on. They're the typical drunk person... they want attention, just not that much.

After that came talk of critics and just what qualifies you to be a film critic. On the newspaper and TV side of the aisle are usually older reporters who the newspaper wants to take off of one beat or the other, but doesn't want to fire them. They may not have film degrees, but at least they should know how to form sentences, spell check and be more intelligent than simply writing "This Sucked." I actually feel bad for those guy, though. If I see a review for a movie I know I'm not going to enjoy, I just don't go see it. These guys have to go. And yeah, it's probably a better job than most people have, but I would imagine watching that many horrible movies gets pretty old pretty fast.

On the Internet side of the issue is essentially everyone who can type with Internet access. Those are the reviews that seem to attack the actors much more harshly than the film itself. They don't talk about the movie - they go after the people and with more anger than is really necessary. Yeah, I know you're pissed that you wasted $10, but some of the reviews that Kennedy read were beyond harsh. It just goes to show, you can grow pretty ballsy when you can hide behind and alias and not post an email address. That's why the Internet has grown into the place where you can get everyone's opinion on anything. Kennedy actually took the time to track down some of the more viscous attackers and ask them why they felt the need to go so against him personally. Most couldn't come up with an answer and didn't seem nearly as cocky when face to face with him.

This is an interesting issue on the whole, not just with movie reviews. The film took the side that "just who the hell are you and why are you qualified to rip apart my movie?" And yes, that is a valid question. But, the other side of the issue is "why are you bothering to read my little blog if you don't want to hear what I'm saying?" No one demands that you read certain blogs, it's a free Internet; you can come and go as you please. That's why people have blogs, so they aren't burdening people with their opinions. If you want to read it, here it is; if not, have fun Googling yourself. Actors and film makers are only going to be as affected by reviews as they allow.

There were times when the movie felt a little self-serving, like Kennedy was whining about why no one liked Son of the Mask (people are allowed to not think you're funny, you know). And I'm sure that some of the people who wrote the harsher reviews were edited to look sleazy (At least, I hope so. I would hate to think there are people out there that take that much pleasure in being such a douche). But, like I said, for the most part it was very well done and an interesting topic to cover. No need to rush out and buy a copy, but I would keep an eye out for it on the movie channels.

So Simple, Yet So Effective

For the past couple of mornings, when I would wake up my back would be killing me. My mattress has started to settle where I sleep, because I tend to stick to one side. At first I wasn't sure if it was due to the mattress itself or the box spring underneath so I tried the typical flipping of the mattress. Apparently you're supposed to do this every few months (girls, why do you all know this... is it in a book you're issued at 13? This never comes up in normal dude conversations).

Well, just flipping the mattress didn't do anything. I still had a pressure point sticking me directly in the rib whenever I slept on my side... which is every night, at least for some part of the evening. So, the other day I took the time to spin the box spring and flip the mattress... and I've had great night's sleep since. Should have done it weeks ago.

OK, 5 Minute Break for a Dance Party

Recently, I was approved to start writing for a new freelancer site. It's not good money, but it's better than none. Anyways, when you live as a freelancer time literally is money. You only get paid for as much as you write and so any time spent not writing can adversely affect your wallet. So, really, I should be buckled down and seriously into whatever article I'm working on until I can turn it in and claim a new one. For the most part I am, but I need background noise so I've always got my iPod in. As a result, sometimes a song comes on and I just can't help but get up and start moving.

Now, I won't dance at clubs much (knowing I'm a horrid dancer is the key factor) but I put on shows in my room. Especially when the following songs pop up on my iPod (sidebar: big thumbs down on the new iTunes DJ - I much preferred Party Shuffle):

• Journey, "Don't Stop Believing". Just a fantastic tune and aided by the fact that I can do the entire song from memory.


• Heavy D, "Now That We Found Love". How can you not take a minute to move around when this song comes on?


• Skid Row, "I Remember You". There's always time for a power ballad.


• James, "Laid". This isn't so much a moving around song, but do you honestly think I can type and air-drum at the same time?


• Michael Jackson "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough". Oh, Mike. This was back before you went all crazy, aka, "the good old days."

Just in case you were wondering why this became an issue on today of all days, I've put together a list of the last 30 songs that played on my iTunes (though, I did put them in a slightly better order... you know, for transition's sake) and provided you with it now so you can see for yourself why my article on golf etiquette and dress code hasn't been turned in yet.

But What of His Video Game?

-Apparently, John Madden has decided to retire.

For the past 30 years Madden has been the voice of prime-time football on TV, calling numerous Super Bowls, Monday Night Football and then Football Night in America. Now, he had obviously lost a step or 40 in the past 5 years and it was probably time. He had become a caricature of himself and started to only point out things that everyone already knew. (The team down 10 needs to score twice? Thanks, John.) Once he split from Pat Summerall, it was all downhill from there. I'm surprised that Al Michaels' back isn't killing him from having to carry Madden the past few years.

To be honest, it's not like this will stop me from watching Sunday Night Football. That show's success or failure has always been dependent on the matchups. I've never understood why networks pay so much for announcers - no one turns on to hear one guy or another. In fact, usually it's in spite of a specific announcer. No one likes Joe Morgan, but it's not like we aren't going to watch a Red Sox/Yankees game because he's calling it. If it's a quality game then you get huge ratings. If you put on the Bengals versus the Lions then no one is going to be watching. This isn't rocket science.

The bigger issue with me is what will become of the Madden EA franchise. Despite the fact that I didn't like 2009, it's still one of only 5 video games that I play with regularity. Who takes over? "Collinsworth 2011" doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.

-I guess KG's knee is worse and it's looking like he won't be able to play at all this post-season. Surprisingly, I'm taking it well. I'm not even writing this from a ledge or anything. The fact that the Celtics won the title last year is helping, I'm sure.

It's not like they should pack up and not bother to play the Bulls this weekend, though. They can definitely beat the Bulls, though it will probably take a game or two more than expected. Even beating their likely second round opponent, the Orlando Magic, wouldn't be a stunner if Big Baby and Leon Powe have huge series. It would be harder, but not impossible. However, with no KG to defend the post, finding someone to guard the basket against the freight train that is LeBron James looks to be a daunting task.

Pretty, Pretty Princesses

I'm a couple days behind with the Easter photos, but better late than never.

Lots of frills and lace, but not a lot of looking at the camera. I can't say that I blame the little ladies, though. What you can't see in the picture is that for 5 girls there are 30 adults just off screen, all of whom have their own cameras, playing paparazzi and trying to get the girls' attentions.

Clearly, whoever is to their left is winning the "make the most noise" part of the game.

Hey, that's not from the pound!

So, the Obamas finally got a dog. The President had promised his daughters a dog fairly early in the campaign and apparently he's made good as the new First Pet arrives at the White House on Tuesday. This is a cute story and should get about 4 seconds of air time during the news. But, since this is politics in America, people have to be pissed about something as nice as a family getting a dog. The dog will be arriving through a private breeder instead of being rescued like people had assumed would be the case. What else is Obama going to lie about?

Hey, it happens. People tell you that certain breeds are better than others and after a while you start to believe it. (If you're not an animal professional how the hell would you know the difference anyway?) Because of this you start to lock in on a specific breed of dog and then that's pretty much all you want. I've spent time on PetFinder.com, torturing myself looking at dogs that I am in no position to adopt right now, and nowhere on that site did I find the purebred English Bulldog I want. I highly doubt that a search for Portuguese Water Dogs would be any more successful.

My last family dog that we rescued from the pound did happen to be a purebred cocker spaniel (pour some out for Harry). But that was not a qualification going in; we just wanted to a dog. It's not like we planned on showing him or anything. Good thing, too, as one lap around the arena would have been way too much exercise. The point is this: you can't always get what you want from the pound. Anything beyond just getting a healthy addition to the family should be considered a bonus. Would it have set a better example for the world if the Obamas got a dog from a rescue shelter? Sure. Would it be better to let the man concentrate on rescuing the economy instead? Absolutely.

The Irish vs. The Spanish

I know, I know. I said I wasn't going to put up as many video clips this week. But, I'm making an exception for this one because it's just that amusing to me.

Sergio Garcia is ranked #3 in the world (despite the fact that he's never won a major) and apparently hates Augusta National Golf Course. He made the cut at the Masters and even was as high as 6th, though he was never truly in contention after Friday. He then proceeded to blast the course, the set-up and tournament committee, while not offering any suggestions for improvement (I hate people who do that). I'm not sure how the course is so unfair, since everyone has to play the same pin locations. Sounds to me like someone is just looking for excuses about why he played like crap.

On the other hand we have Padraig Harrington, who has won the last two majors in a row and played some great golf last year. He came to Augusta seeking history, but he too was never really in contention after he had to take a bullshit penalty on Saturday when the wind moved his ball. Despite that, he couldn't have been nicer in praising the course or the set-up, saying how easy it was. They could have had a guy with an airhorn blasting away in his ear and Paddy probably would compliment him on his fine work. The Irish are just so polite.

By the way, watch their different reactions with the knowledge that these two essentially shot the same score for the week.

Happy Easter!

After all my years of attending Catholic school, I feel that I can explain away most of the little nuances of Catholicism to those who may be of a different faith. I know the stories behind St. Nick, Palm Sunday, Advent Wreaths and Lent. But I can't come up with anything that explains the Easter/Rabbit connection. Also, no idea why we color and hide eggs, so please, don't ask.

But, hey, this is a day to have some brunch, watch my nieces wear big hats while they get very pretty new dresses dirty, eat candy and hang with my family before sitting down to watch golf in the afternoon. So whether you understand the day or not, it's still a nice time. And, as an added bonus, this is the first time the girls are old enough to send them on an Easter Egg hunt, so there are lots of chances for hysterics.

So, Happy Easter to every one who celebrates. And, if instead you celebrated Pass Over, I hope you found the Afikomen.

Now, I know I've gone a little video-clip happy this week and I'll try not to put so many on next week, but here is Patton Oswalt talking about an Easter tradition that any kid who grew up in the 80's can relate too (not-Easter appropriate-language; you've been warned).

Great Parenting...

I'm torn over this Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Now, I love donuts; frankly I think if the world ate more donuts there would be no war. Especially Dunkin Donuts - they blow Krispy Kreme out of the water. But, at the same time, I'm not about to tout them as healthy. That is exactly what it feels like this TV ad is trying to do. "Parents - don't let your kids lie on the couch, watching evil TV all day... feed them donuts!" Yeah, that's a much better idea. No way they'll get fat if they run the entire length of one whole room once a day.



By the way, nice job letting the evil poltergeist-like TV just take the family pet. Don't any of you care about the dog?!?! This family sucks.

-This, on the other hand, is just all-the-way awesome.

Age-Appropriate Actions

So last night we had the Brenizer ladies over for dinner. Charlotte was her usual drooly, giggling self, but Addison was just not happy to be there. She didn't want to be in her high chair, didn't want to eat and would rather have run in circles around the table or "wash sha show" (that's her way of telling us turn on Sesame Street). Despite my father and I trying to get her to tell us what we could do to fix it, she just wasn't having it. When I asked Shivaun what was wrong, she just shrugged and said "Eh, she's two."

This got us to talking about how you can get away with a lot of things just by being a certain age. Actions are almost expected of people who are in specific age groups. A few examples:
"Dave shows up to work hung-over every day." What can you expect, he's 21.
"I think Mike fell asleep in that meeting." Hey, give him a break, he's 65.
"That guy is really, really racist." Yeah, but he's 90 so he's set in his ways.

I'm not saying that it's right to get away with bad behavior because it's almost expected of you, but it's amusing that something that could get you fired at 25 is deemed ok just four years earlier. So, the moral of this story is: act your age... you can get away with it.

Way to Ruin a Good Thing

You know what's a great movie? The Departed.
It's got an all-star cast, a solid plot, it moves at a quick pace so there are no parts that feel too long, good action, lots of swearing, enough violence to seem gritty without over-doing it and a descent soundtrack featuring the Dropkick Murphys. The fact that it's based in Boston is just a bonus. Apart from some horrible attempts at Boston accents (my contention is the only two Boston-bred actors, Matt Damon and Mark Walhberg, were asked to make their accents worse so as to not shine a light on just how bad Martin Sheen and Leo DiCaprio were), it's a top movie from start to finish.

You know what's not a great movie? The Departed when it's on basic cable.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that The Departed was going to be on the FX network on Tuesday night. I knew that it was going to have to be heavily edited to make it through the censors, but since it's FX I was expecting them to get away with a little more than usual. Instead I was greeted with a lot of heavy edits, skipped scenes and voice dubbing to cover the swears, a couple of which didn't even make sense. ("You're a fast riser... like a 12-year old scotch." - what the hell does that even mean?) Ruined the viewing experience for me.

This of course speaks to the larger issue of what movies they should and shouldn't be editing for cable and instead leave them to stay for mature audiences only. Look, I know we want to let everyone feel included nowadays, but certain movies should just be left to the adults. Not every movie needs to be ripped to shreds just so it can be shown to the general public. I think the standard should be as followed: if there is one scene where the censors are forced to dub over literally every single line of dialog, then you should just give up and pick a new movie.

I Heart The Daily Show

This is why I love Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Just Short and TV Spoilers

-Alas, the "Mary Coughlin for Housing Authority" bid came up a couple hundred votes short. It's too bad, but for her first-ever election I would say that my aunt did very well.

-So between watching the town election results show (public access TV at it's... let's go with public access TViest) and the National Championship Game that was over after 20 minutes, it was not a great night of TV. I had wanted to watch House, cause they had hyped the crap out of it, but had instead decided to settle in with the online version of it the next day. They had promised a big twist. Thanks to clicking on Google News: Entertainment I got the twist without ever having to watch the show. In that regard I should be happy they saved me 44 minutes of my life.

This minor thing (I'm not a huge fan of the show and therefore it didn't ruin my day or anything) speaks to the larger issue. In this day and age, what is the protocol about revealing show endings? With so much media to chose from and everyone trying to cram it all in during prime time, viewers are increasingly reliant on their DVR's when it comes to watching shows that are on opposite each other. In a day when people can view movies before they're released, should anyone honestly expect to make it through the day without hearing about how something like a TV show ends? Also, when it's a story like this (go look it up if you're so inclined... I won't be spoiling it here), which blends an aspect of a TV show with an actual news story, that will just blur the line even further.

Personally my solution is as follows: unless some one asks you to reveal an ending with the "I'm probably not going to get around to seeing it anyways" rationale, then you need to keep movie ending to yourself until it has been out on video for 2 months and TV plot twist should be on lockdown for 48 hours. If they haven't seen the movie or TV show by then it probably wasn't that important to them.

-It's not that I endorse vandalism or stealing, but don't we hear this story every other year? I have to be honest... I just don't think I care anymore.

Opening Day... (or not)

[Editor's note: The Red Sox have announced that they are postponing today's game due to rain. It will be played Tuesday. So come back tomorrow and read this again - I'm not writing all this over.]

As a man who enjoys the pomp and circumstance that precedes today's major sporting events, I am a huge fan of Opening Day. I love starting line-ups and a good National Anthem can carry me for the first quarter of any basketball game. That's why I'm still on the hunt for a girl who understands that I need to be in my seats 20 minutes before tip off and will not ask if we can leave before the final buzzer (I don't care that the game is essentially over... sit your ass down.)

Opening Day in Boston is better than most because it is an event. Even people without tickets find their way to Fenway to soak in the atmosphere. It's a day when you can call in sick and not even make up an excuse; "I have Opening Day tickets" is enough of a reason not to go to work. The only thing better than Opening Day is an Opening Day that also features a banner unveiling, and we've had plenty of those around here this decade. Alas, today won't be one of those days and yes, it's expected to rain on and off throughout the game, but that doesn't make today any less great.

The time for talking and meaningless games featuring position players with numbers in the 80's are over. Opening Day is the day when everyone is equal, when no one is deserving of boos (yet) and hope spring eternal. I always get very fired up on Opening Day and the four or five games that come after it; only to realise that there are 155 more of these things to come, about 100 of which mean very little as the Sox spend a road trip playing Baltimore and Kansas City. But still, Opening Day isn't the time when you worry about that kind of thing. Just enjoy the game and the promise of what can come in the following season.

Any city that has had a tough winter will especially appreciate the start of baseball season because it also means that spring has finally arrived and the weather is going to get warmer. And that means the scenery around town is going to improve with it. You get spoiled if you can see that any time of the year (What can I say? I've always found girls who can pull of the baseball hat look to be extremely cute).

-Speaking of the fairer sex... why didn't anyone tell me I missed National Cleavage Day? I was going to make a cake and everything.

Sign Holding: Take 2

The town election that my aunt is in takes place on Monday. So yesterday we were back down in the center of town, holding signs and trying to get her name out there even more.

With my time as a sign holder last week under my belt, I was a grizzled veteran this week. I quickly assumed my same spot on the island in the center of the town and resumed my sign-spinning ways. I even remembered to bring my sunglasses for the day, even though it was pretty overcast and we had some spotty rain during the day. Fortunately there was no funeral this week, so we got the full two hours of sign holding in.

It was interesting because apparently my aunt is trying for one of only two spots that have multiple people running; the majority of the ballot will feature positions that are unopposed. As a result, other than the "Yes for Schools" people (and there were a lot less of them this week), the only people holding signs were for the two candidates running for housing authority. It was a good amount of people out there campaigning for one spot. I'm willing to bet that the woman who currently holds the position didn't have to go through all of this to get on the housing authority in the first place.

Couldn't tell you why, but the two hours seemed to pass a lot quicker than last week. Maybe it was because I had the entertainment of watching my mom fight with her sign in the wind or because my mind was trying to figure out why one guy was out there in a suit coat (a little formal considering the circumstances). Either way I just hope that all the sign holding did my aunt some good.

Another Question Answered...

I have a good relationship with my barber. Really, next to accountant and mechanic it's probably one of the more important trust relationships you can build. I need to take my glasses off to get my haircut, so when he takes the clippers to my head I'm flying blind and on trust. It's gotten to the point that I don't even have to say anything when I go to see Mony, I just sit down and start talking about the Patriots while he does his thing.

The place I go to is called J&M Styles and it actually serves both men and women. Usually I find time to go during the week so I can get in and out, but I have an interview on Tuesday and most hair places aren't open Sunday or Monday. So today I had to hang out there for almost an hour while he finished up the people in front of me. While I had the time to think about it, I decided if I were ever to go to barber college (hey, it's a recession-proof job. A lot more than writer/editor, it turns out) then I would only be a barber, not a stylist.

Women are way too into their hair, it turns out. I sit down, he buzzes my head and I'm done in 15 minutes. The women in front of me needed everything washed, styled, blown dry, cut, styled some more, cut a little more, then styled and then sprayed. It's just too much of a process for me. In the time it took him to cut and style the girl in front of me the other girl working cut 2 guys' hair and was halfway into her third client. I think being a guy-only shop would just be a lot more cost effective.

Friday Links

It's a cold, rainy, sort of blah day and thus I have nothing much to write about. Instead I'll pass along some stories that caught my eye today:

- Nice to see that the Jay Leno experiment is off to a solid start. If he can't catch on in Boston, where he's from, then this could start a trend among other affiliates. Personally I think they should have just bit the bullet with O'Brien and kept Leno where he was. I didn't get the idea when they first announced it and my stance hasn't changed.

- I don't get women. As men, if we don't help clean enough we get yelled at. We clean too much and they want a divorce. Hey, sometimes when a wall gets that dirty all you can do is take it down.

- I love it when politicians get all up in arms over porn. It amused me how riled up they get when clearly, most of the population is fine with porn. Honestly, it makes billions of dollars a year; I hardly think that it's a small group of people that are doing all the funding. Which is surprising because, according to a Maryland State Senator, it's more dangerous than cigarettes. I guess threatening to pull state funding for a university if they do something you don't agree with is cool, though. Don't worry about that pesky First Amendment thing.

I Knew It All Along...

Roger Clemens and I have a history.

When I was a kid my parents took us to Pawtucket to see the Red Sox versus the Paw Sox. It's sort of a "Now versus the Future" thing that the Red Sox like to do. A popular thing to do at the time was to tie a baseball to a string, attach a pen and lower it into the dugouts. The players would then sign the ball and everyone would go home happy. Well Clemens would only sign the ball if you lowered some money with the ball. I, at the age of 10 or so, was unaware of this. Mo Vaughn had signed it, after all and the Hit Dog was way cooler than Clemens. Anyways Clemens had my ball in his hand, took the pen... and didn't sign it cause there was no money attached. Then the bastard walked off with my pen, too, preventing me from getting other autographs.

It's not that I was crushed I didn't get his autograph, hell, I don't even know where that Mo Vaughn ball is now. It was that he had done 70% of what goes into an autograph but wouldn't go the rest of the way for free. Like he needed my 20 bucks. It was at that point that I began to hate Roger Clemens (that's the Irish side of me... I'll take personal slights to the grave). While everyone else was pining for the Sox to re-sign him a few years later I couldn't wait for him to leave. So, it is with great joy that I have watched him flame out from Hall of Flame lock to steroid pariah.

And finally, Cito Gaston, Roger's former manager with the Blue Jays, is telling the world what I already knew:

"He's an asshole... When he's pitching, everyone's in the dugout pulling for him, but when he's not pitching he's not in the dugout," Gaston said. "I didn't feel like he supported his teammates as much as he wanted support."

So you see, it's karma. Let this serve as a lesson to all the baseball stars out there: don't take a kid's pen if you're not going to sign his baseball.

April Fool's Day

There is a time in life when toys like whoopee cushions, fart machines and things which generally appeal to man's baser instincts stops being funny. I'll let you know when I reach that point in my life. Sorry, but seeing people fall = funny. Thus, I have an appreciation for April Fools Day. I'm terrible at pulling off pranks though, for two reasons:

1. When I know whats coming I start smirking like an idiot. Nothing puts people on alert like when someone trying to pull a prank off has a shit-eating grin on their face before you sit down. This is also why I suck at keeping secrets.
2. I don't like to single people out. There's nothing funny about just getting one person. All you're doing there is just picking on them and that's never funny, it's just mean.

Therefore any prank I'm going to enjoy needs to be one that can be done without having to be directly sitting there and also clever enough to get several people to fall for it. The best one I've ever heard of came from my father, who's co-worker pulled it off (those clever Harvard people):

He made up a very officially-looking document that stated a new upgrade had been made to the copy machine, which had made it voice activated. All the user had to do now, the paper said, was state in a clear voice the number of copies that they needed and say "copy." He had even gone the extra step of laminating the paper to make it look even more official. He then put the document on the copy machine (his cube was right next to it), sat back and enjoyed a day full of people looking like idiots as they tried to get the printer to listen to them. "Four. Copy.... FOUR. Copy. COPY. COPY. COPY!!"

Simple. Silly. Effective. Brilliant.
That, my friends, is how you pull of an April Fool's Day Joke.