...Of Course He Did

On the scale of shocking news, the revelation that David Ortiz failed a steroid test in 2003 comes in slightly below finding out a musician is smoking pot. All the signs were there: his homerun numbers jumped significantly from 2000 - 2003, they've come back down the last two seasons, during that time his body has started to break down and when you factor in that his running buddy Manny Ramirez already failed a test earlier this year, assuming Ortiz was also on steroids wasn't a huge leap. Sure, you can say that the numbers jump could be attributed to finally getting to play full time in Boston, that Fenway is tailored for his swing and he never had the dramatic shift in body type that we saw in a Barry Bonds or Sammy Sosa. But, honestly, you'd just be fooling yourself.

I just want to say that this still doesn't taint the 2004 World Series in the eyes of Red Sox fans. First off, I doubt anything ever will. Even in a sport as individualistic as baseball, people will take the majority of the team over what 2 or 3 guys were doing. We'll just continue to make the argument that for all we know the Cardinals had people taking steroids on their team (we know the Yankees did). But, if you want to know who would really crush Red Sox fans, I'll tell you the one name that would really anger us: Schilling. If we found out that Mr. Bloody Sock was on the juice, then that would be the one thing that would kill this fan base.

At this point the entire league is playing under the unfortunate heading of "guilty until proven innocent." Outside of Jeter, Eckstein and Maddux no other names would surprise me (Junior Griffey would upset me, but not surprise me). That is why I think Major League Baseball should just go the next step and reveal the names of the 100 baseball players who failed the drug test in 2003, but have yet to be outed. Look, it's the way of the world today - those names are going to come out, no hiding from it (Bronson Arroyo already is putting his name out there just in case he's on the list). By putting those names out then they will essentially be ripping off the band-aid and getting it over with. I feel it's a better way than having a name drip out every couple of weeks for the next few years. Clean player could now play without the steroid cloud hanging over them. Also, I think it would be the best plan for the guys on the list - instead of coming out one at a time and facing a couple days of media fury on their own, 100 guys could stand and deal with it together. For example, Ortiz is big news today throughout the baseball world. If his name was released with 100 other names, he would just be part of the story, not the entire story. The national scope would also be a lot lower. Do you think people in Milwaukee would care about how many Red Sox were on the list if they released 100 names at once? Of course not, they would only want to know if/how many Brewers were on it. I'm telling you, just release the rest of the names and get it over with.

By the way, jacking a go-ahead three run homer to the deepest part of Fenway in the bottom of the 7th might be the best response Ortiz can offer.

-Here's how I know I'm getting old: songs that came out in my youth have now been around long enough to have their copyrights bought out by large companies for commercial use. This week's example is Digable Planets' "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)" appearing in commericals for Tide.

Get on this, Inventors

I'm a simple man when it comes to my hair. I don't use gel, mousse or any other products. Frankly, if I can get away with not combing it, it's been a good day. The only reason that I do not shave my head is that while certain people can pull that look off, I just don't feel I am one of them. Also, my mom and sisters would not be happy with me.

By yesterday I had gotten past the point of no return with my hair and I needed to go and get it cut. The side result of waiting so long in between haircuts is that you have a lot of hair that is coming off your head (really, it's the equivalent of taking off a rugby helmet) and that hair goes everywhere. Yesterday, perhaps due to the humidity in the air, I had trimmings all over the place. They were all over my forehead, down my back and sticking to the side of my face. It all made for one itchy mess that almost immediately required a shower and a change of shirts.

There has to be a better system that can collect all the trimming that come off your head during a haircut. Something that not only stops them from going down the person's shirt, but also saves the barber time with not having to sweep up later. We were almost there with the Flowbee. I mean, the idea is right in front of us in principle. All that needs to happen is someone needs to make it look a little more stylist and not like you are cutting your hair with a vacuum cleaner.

-Something else interesting happened as I got my haircut yesterday. Normally I have the same guy who's been cutting my hair for over ten years. I think one time his sister had to step in, but other than that it's been the same guy. Yesterday, he was on vacation, so one of the other girls cut my hair instead. My hair still came out fine (it's pretty hard to screw up a fade, I would imagine), but I did notice one stark difference. When my guy cuts my hair we stick to standard guy topics: Sox, Patriots, Celtics, work, music and bragging about our nieces. At no point does the conversation ever turn to the point that he's asking me, "Well, don't you want to have kids?" Yet, somehow that's where we ended up yesterday. I still don't know how we got there.

-As I've said in this space before, the only time I listen to the radio anymore is when I'm in the shower, and when I do it's set on the country station. Well, thanks to my haircut, yesterday was a two-shower day. What I noticed from two showers and again this morning is that it seems every time I turn on the radio, a Taylor Swift song comes on. Now, I like Taylor Swift (well... I don't mind her would probably be a more accurate description), but they clearly need to open up the catalog a little more. If I'm only listening 20 minutes a day and hearing her every time, I can only imagine people who listen all day must be sick of her.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy...

This time last year I was desperate to get out of Gillette Stadium. I was working crazy hours, not making any money, physically wearing myself out and also not being appreciated for the fact that I was essentially getting shit on, but still willing to go above and beyond what my job called for. When I was passed over for a promotion simply because the other guy was willing to take less money, that was the last straw (that guy was recently fired for not being able to do the job... shocking). I started to send my resume anywhere that was accepting them at the time. One of the places that I talked to was the New Hampshire Union Leader to be a weekend editor for their sports section.

I ended up passing because it was not steady enough work or enough hours to warrant taking the job. With the price of gas last summer hovering well over $3 a gallon, I would have essentially been spending my paycheck just getting to and from work. But, you know, I may have been swayed if they had told me about some of the benefits my co-workers could have provided.

This also just shows how bad newspapers are doing right now. This guy was a decorated sports writer in New Hampshire and yet he still had to go out and start a... we'll call it second career.

-Despite the fact that their clothes are made for Europeans (read: smaller), I actually like Adidas clothes. Their sneakers are still too narrow for me, but I can work with the clothes. (Given the fact that they make all Notre Dame merchandise, I pretty much have no choice.) But, I would like them to do something about the names they use for colors. No man wants to say out loud, "That's a nice shirt. I hope they have the appletini in XXL."

-It was nice of EA sports to let me know in advance what songs will be drilled into my skull by December.

Ow...

This morning I woke up with a stabbing pain in my lower back. The area is sensitive to the touch, though I don't think that a bruise has developed. Last night I didn't do any heavy lifting or repetitive motion that would normally make my back sore. It just showed up for no damn good reason. It is also weird because it doesn't seem like the pain intensifies if I move to one side or another, but it is more of a constant, dull throbbing that never changes or goes away. I've tried stretching it one way or another, taken a couple Advil, but the annoying feeling is unchanged.

I'm just trying to find out where the hell this came from. Either I'm getting old (to the point that I can hurt myself sleeping) or I'm having really violent dreams. Neither one seems to be that appealing of an option. Or, it could be that I sleep in the same spot a lot and my mattress has created a pressure point. But, that's rooted in reality and therefore, boring.

-Exactly how long can a story be "Breaking News"? At about 4:30 yesterday afternoon, the tell-tale red logo appeared along the ticker on ESPNews. Turns out that Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated to the NFL. Fairly interesting news, I admit. Then, after The Daily Show I turned my TV back to ESPNews and saw the red "Breaking News" logo again appear on the bottom line ticker. Usually breaking news at this time of night can only mean a trade or perhaps a huge performance in one of the west coast games. Instead, it was the same Michael Vick news. The story is interesting - but it isn't so big that it should still be considered breaking news 7 hours later.

10 Thoughts...

Almost like I'm Tweeting, just without that pesky 140 character limit (seriously, I can't even come close to getting in under that. Don't stifle my ramblings, Twitter!):

-I think my family's long-standing aversion to knick-knacks and trinkets will be what keeps any of us from appearing on Antiques Roadshow. You can't find a figurine worth $3,000 in your attic when you don't have them around.

-It's time to declare the John Smoltz experiment is over, baring someone taking Brad Penny off the Sox's hands before Friday. It's been 7 starts, that's enough of a sample size.

-Nice to see that weathermen are consistent with their inability to tell the weather. All winter they were off about how much snow was going to fall and this weekend I was warned of horrific thunderstorms from Friday night through Sunday... it hasn't even rained in that time.

-Take it from me, kids: if you're at a store like Marshall's and you see something you like, buy it right then and there. Taking a couple days to think about it almost guarantees it won't be there when you go back.

-Debate around the Sunday dinner table last night: Who's store layout is worse - Jordan's, where you have to walk through the entire store just to get back where you started, or Ikea which has narrower aisles and more clutter to look at, but at least offers potential shortcuts?

-I think the people in charge of swimming have screwed up with their decision to allow people to use those fancy swimming suits until the Olympics. It would be the equivalent of baseball allowing players to use aluminum bats for two years, then when someone hit 100 home runs in a season deciding that it was too much of an advantage, yet still treating their records the same as those who only used wooden bats. It makes no sense.

-Nothing said "We want to think we can still rock, but no, we really can't," like AC/DC having their Gillette Stadium concert on a Tuesday night.
"Yeah, she... shook me alllll night long... well, actually she was done by 11, cause we have work in the morning!"

-I still think air conditioning takes the top spot, but the remote for my iDock is quickly moving up the list of greatest inventions.

-The Princeton Review came out with it's list of the Top Party Colleges. Again, this area was pretty much shut out (Union College in NY came in at #13 - the only north east school in the top 20). In New England's defense, it's kind of hard to party when the beer has frozen solid.

-Finally, this guy at least owes his playing partner a ride in his new car. Especially when you consider that he just made that guy's birdie putt go from 5 to 10 feet.

Good Thing We Kept Those

My family likes to plan for the unforeseeable future. As a result, we never seem to throw anything out. You never know: someone else could use that item, that clothing could come back in style or we could pick that hobby back up. We have 3 little girls running around - who knows what they could get into. So our shed, attic and basement are chock full of goodies. This has come in handy before. My brother's golf clubs sat unused in the basement for almost 10 years before I picked them up last summer and now they get a lot of use. This plan of attack has worked on more than one occasion. That is the key thing to remember here.

It just doesn't always work. Certain items we've found should just be tossed after a while. I bring this up because this weekend my family was going down to the beach house and I dug out these four beach chairs that have been in buried in our shed for the better part of a decade. And they're older than that. I remember taking these chairs on trips in the camper that we haven't owned since I was 15. But, they're perfect for the beach: short legs so you can sit low but not in the sand and they recline all the way so you get the benefits of laying out to tan without having to get your bathing suit full of sand. It's a good idea in principle. But, when my two year-old niece went to sit in one of them, she ripped the fabric right down the middle (Addison, by the way, is not a big girl. I shudder to think what I could have done to this thing). Another chair was being used and when they went to recline, the metal bent and snapped. So if you're keeping score at home you can toss out beach chairs that haven't seen a beach since the mid-90's.

-I've said for years that it's too easy for a player to get their number retired by the Celtics, and it's too hard for a player to get their number retired by the Red Sox. The fact that Jim Rice's number 14 wasn't already on the right field facade was so stupid to me and I don't even care all that much (I imagine it drove die-hards crazy). Now Wade Boggs has said he wants his number to be retired by the Red Sox. Sorry, chief, shouldn't have signed with the Yankees then (really, Red Sox fans can forgive any other team). Also, your number is retired by the Devil Rays, isn't that enough?

The Great Internal Debate Rages On

For some reason, I never have any good ideas or energy for what to do with my Saturdays until 10 o'clock on Friday nights. I've had all week to get some of this stuff done, but it's not until late in the evening when I get the urge to start. It couldn't even happen on a Thursday, when I could at least take a day and do some planning. I'll think of all sorts of grand ideas and projects around the house and then want to do them all, so I'll set an alarm and plan to wake up and attack the day with vigor. Instead, the next morning usually goes a little something like this:

(As the alarm goes off at 8 AM)
One Side of my Brain: Alright, time to get up. Today we're going to make ourselves some bull's eyes for breakfast, clear all the branches that fell during the high winds the other night, take a shower, go to Marshall's to see if that golf bag we liked last week but talked ourselves out of is still there, put some gas in the truck, get a haircut, wash and wax the truck, go hit a bucket of balls, clean our golf clubs, maybe strip the wallpaper in the bathroom and we're going to do it all before the Sox game tonight.
Other Side of my Brain: Sounds very productive. But, since it's Saturday, let me offer this: we could could do all that stuff you said... OR... we could roll over, turn off the alarm, sleep for two more hours and just get to whatever it is we get to.

Damn, that is a compelling counter-argument.
I'll leave you to guess for yourself how much of that list I got done today.

-I must say, well done, sir. That girl is a keeper. You were smart to lock her up. Especially when you consider what other brides have made their husbands-to-be do this week.

It's A Dish Best Served Cold

This morning I was debating my breakfast options. Not surprisingly, Option A was skipping breakfast, which happens 90% of the time. But, I decided instead to be weird and actually have breakfast on a weekday. Showing what a health nut I truly am, I went with the strawberry frosted Pop Tarts. They're not as good as the strawberry milkshake pop tarts, but still that flavor will work in a pinch. And just to make it a completely odd morning, I even went the extra mile to take the time to toast my Pop Tarts.

When they first came out, I'm sure toasting Pop Tarts was all the rage. After all, they're called Pop Tarts because they're supposed to "pop" out of a toaster. But over time society decided that it took too long and it just wasn't worth it. And do you know why? Because Pop Tarts aren't as good when they've been toasted. There is something about them that makes them better when they are room temperature. Perhaps it's the lack of burnt edges that makes the difference. However, I contend that Kellogg's knows this to be the case, because look at some of the more recent flavors that have come out: chocolate sundae, chocolate chip cookie dough and cookie and cream. Do any of those sound like they would be better if they were warm?

This is not just a pop tart phenomenon. I enjoy a good slice of pizza, but cold pizza the next morning (or when you get home at 3 am) is usually much better. Also, an apple is nice, but if you put it in apple pie I'm not eating it, cause I don't like hot fruit.

Whatever, it's Friday. Bring it home, Regan...

Well, That Was Anti-Climactic

So, I finally got around to seeing the LeBron James dunk video. For those of you who haven't heard about it, here's the quick back story: LeBron was hosting a summer camp a couple weeks ago for some college kids. During the camp a sophomore playing for Xavier named Jordan Crawford went down the lane, elevated and dunked on LeBron. Not a big deal, happened to the best of us. But, then LeBron had the Nike representative who were at the camp go to the two kids filming the game and the Nike people took away their tapes. Apparently, LeBron didn't want the world to know he could get dunked on.

Everyone assumed this meant that the tape had to contain the worse case of a man being dunked on in the history of the world. People's imaginations are always worse than the real thing, so after a couple days this kid had brought the rim down on James' head. If LeBron was this embarrassed about the tape then this dunk had to be better than Vince Carter in the Olympics and Starks on Grant and Jordan combined. But, this is the age of YouTube and camera phones, so you had to know eventually the tapes would get out and yesterday, they did. What was revealed was a pretty pedestrian dunk on a less-than-stellar defensive effort by James, which is about what you would expect from a guy hosting a camp in the off season. The gym didn't even react that much. If this was in a dunk contest, Jordan wouldn't even have made it out of the first round.

The problem is in trying to hide the tape, James made it a bigger deal than it needed to be. Had he simply played it off as a kid having a once in a lifetime experience it would have been forgotten in a day. People would have covered for James, saying (rightfully) that he wasn't playing all that hard. Hell, Nike could have gotten a great commercial out of it. Instead this story has become about James and Nike trying to protect his ego, lived on for two weeks and now people have started to question the sensitivity level of James (MJ never hid the video of him losing a game of H-O-R-S-E at his camp). You know, for a guy who wants to be a global icon, you'd think he'd have someone working for him who had taken a PR class along the way.

Like I said, I'm not very impressed, but you can check it out for yourself.

It's Probably Best to Avoid Armageddon Then

Last night I was watching the Discovery Channel as they began a new series called The Colony. The basic premise is that following a simulated disaster (you can use your imagination to decide for yourself what ended life as we know it: nuclear war, climate change, bio-chemical attacks - it's Discovery's way of letting you play along at home), they have taken a group of 10 people from various walks of life, shut them off from the rest of the world and they have to now fend for themselves in this post-apocalyptic world. They're essentially locked in an old warehouse and now are responsible for finding food, water and anything else they might need for the next ten weeks. All the while, groups of "marauders" are going to randomly attack them, trying to break in to steal or destroy what this group has created. Basically this show is a cross between Survivor, I Am Legend and Mad Max.

Now, I do have a problem with the "all walks of life" claim, because it's not very accurate. Yes, there are old and young, male and female, as well as a few races represented. But, the group features a doctor, a trauma nurse, two electrical engineers, a rocket scientist and a couple of construction workers. It is not really a group that you would readily find hanging out together. The closest thing they have to a person with a "normal job" is a personal trainer, who could still come in handy because you never know; six-pack abs might still be a high priority after the rest of the society disappears. The other thing that bothered me about the show was that, of course, this particular warehouse is full of helpful tools and scraps. It's just too convenient. But, I can see why the producers were trying to move things along and other than those two minor issues, I found this premise to be really interesting.

My main feeling while watching this little experiment was "Wow, I would be screwed on this show." I don't know how to make a natural filter for water or build a working generator. This is the problem with living in a "blue state." I don't fish or hunt and even when I go camping ("Oh look, this campsite offers free wi-fi!"), I bring a two-room tent so people aren't bringing dirt into where I'm going to be sleeping. I just have a gut feeling that pithy comebacks or well-structured sentences will not be in high demand once the world is destroyed.

The No-Hat Rule

There are certain things the rest of the world seems ok with, but I have just never understood. Mostly I'll keep my displeasure to myself, bitch quietly to no one in particular and move on. At least, I would until I started this blog. Lately, the one that has seemed to annoy me more than any other (probably because it comes up more than any other) is when I walk into a bar and a voice across the room bellows, "Take off the hat!" More and more bars have been adapting a "no-hat" policy, which is stupid. I get that certain clubs might not want you to wear a hat, as it could make it difficult to see just how much gel is in your hair (which is how men show how cool they are in techno clubs). But, I can see no reason as to why a bar would prevent you from wearing a hat.

I asked a friend of mine who still works in the bar business as to why establishments wouldn't let their patrons wear hats. He said it was for security purposes, saying that if you need to identify a person to the police following an altercation it is easier to do so if they aren't wearing a hat, because those often hide people's faces in security cameras. Additionally, he explained to me that it is a very handy place to stash a weapon and people in the bar industry always plan for the worst. I, in turn, wondered just what kind of bars my friend has worked at that would leave him to worry about such stuff. Also, I felt the need to point out that if someone was determined to sneak a weapon into a bar they'll find a way, hat or no hat. He then suggested that it has to do with people standing too close and catching other people with the bill of a hat, which is just the kind of stupid thing drunk people love to fight about. Frankly, if you're close enough for that to be an issue, then you're too close to me to begin with. You need to back up - and if you can't then this bar is quite behind on its fire-code capacity limits.

In Boston this rule can be relaxed, especially in the bars around the Garden on a game night. Having a no-hat rule on a game night would be the equivalent of hanging a sign in the window saying, "I want to go out of business in 4 months." But, I was about to walk into a bar in Dedham a couple weeks ago and not only did they want to charge to a cover fee (for a bar in Dedham... I shit you not), but they were ready to toss me if I walked in wearing a hat. We didn't even bother to go in. Honestly, why is this a big deal? Why can't you just let it slide and realise that maybe I haven't gotten a haircut in a while and my hathead will be a little crazy right now. It's not easy to pick up girls looking like Ozzy at the beginning of the "Crazy Train" video.

-What happened to Quentin Richardson? In the span of about two seasons he went from coveted scorer to the bad penny no one wants. He's now been trade 3 times in less than a month.

Why Don't We Ever Go to the Moon Anymore?

The fact that we never go to the moon anymore bothers me. We spent billions and billions of dollars (and that was in 1960's money - with inflation it's probably more like trillions) to beat the Russians to the moon. Then, we just decided we were all done and stopped going. Did we really learn all there was to learn in 6 missions? We got there, drove around a little, played some golf and left. Now, sure, that's all the exploring I want to do when I go to a new place, but a new place to me is when I do something on the level of a weekend in Miami - not outer friggin' space. I just have a hard time believing that we learned all we could from our time there.

I get that it was all just one big space race and once we beat the Russians to the moon we were good. After all, you don't have to keep running once the race is over. But if you're truly exploring then you shouldn't stop once you've been to a new place, either. You have to go back repeatedly and look around some more. That's kind of how being an explorer works. Hell, I'm not insisting that we go all the time - I bet even now it would be astronomically expensive - but once or twice a decade works fine for me. Instead, we planted a flag (making the moon officially the 51st state - so stop looking at our moon, rest of the world), left and haven't been back since. Now there are only 9 living men who can say they've been on the moon and they're all in their late 70's. (That, by the way, is a way cooler club to be in than the '71 Dolphins getting together every year to celebrate their perfect season.) Just seems odd to me that we've allowed this group to stay at such a low number.

These days we put all our money into the international space station, which I don't like. I feel almost as if this is going to end up like a time-share deal where the U.S. is going to put up all the money and all the time to build it, but then India or some other country will claim it on all the good weekends during the summer. It just feel like the U.S. is getting ripped off in this deal. We won't even get a kick-ass movie out of it like we did when we failed trying go to the moon. But really, this rant was just an excuse to show this, one of my favorite things the Onion has ever produced.

-Some people out there are saying that golf can't be considered a real sport because a man two months short of his 60th birthday almost won a signature event on the PGA Tour. While you could look at it that way, I instead choose to look at it that it should be the sport you push your kids towards. First off, no one breaks their neck golfing and secondly, you can clearly make a crap load of money for a long time. That near 60 year-old just won about $800,000, and that's not counting what will come from sponsor bonuses. Let's see Peyton Manning pull down that size check when he's 59.

-Also, on the strength of his performance Tom Watson jumped from 1,374 in the rankings all the way up to 105. That's one hell of a jump in four days. But, the bigger shocker to me is that they keep rankings that high. Really, after 1,200 golfers, why are you even keeping track? I've been playing golf for less than a year but for all I know, I'm ranked 1,400.

We Had A Nice Run...

...but, the humidity finally got the better of us yesterday and we turned on the air conditioning. We should be proud, we made it until the middle of July before we decided to turn on the air conditioning, which is about a month and a half longer than we made it last year. The good news is that, looking at the weather for the week, it should be a short time that it will be turned on. Also, I have no idea why this is the case, but I sleep great in the air conditioning. Couldn't give you a legitimate reason, but I sleep like a log when the A/C is humming.

-Hang on, did the Emmy's get kinda cool? Family Guy nominated for best animated series and best comedy? They're not gonna win, but just to be recognized is surprising. Also, How I Met Your Mother got a nomination for best comedy. Could just be because Neil Patrick Harris is hosting this year, but still, that's two shows I watch. The ratio is almost never that high. Then Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake got nominated for "Motherlover". It's almost as if comedy is starting to be valued.

-I thought NASA was full of smart people? If that's the case, then why the hell do they keep doing the same launch techniques, then acting surprised when the shuttle gets hit with a large piece of foam time and time again? After all, Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You know those guys have to know who he is.

-Oh, I'm almost swayed. Honestly, I'm a great barometer about whether or not something is still socially cool. Telling me that something is getting played out and is on the way to being over is usually the fastest way to get me to join.

-A couple weeks ago a friend and I were conversing about how the decade is almost over (went by fast, didn't it?) and how we're not sure what this decade is going to be defined by. Well, considering the decade started with the fear of Y2k and then was followed by 9/11 it certainly wouldn't be known for being carefree. And with 2009 all of a sudden becoming the year that icons seemed to drop like flies, it's not exactly looking like it's going to end on a high note, now is it?

Tiger and Other Sports Ramblings

In just one year of playing golf, it has wound its way into my life. I'm no longer just a casual fan who only watches majors and checks out if Tiger Woods isn't playing. So, they won't be losing me now that Tiger missed the cut at this year's British Open, but they will be losing a big chunk of their viewing audience.

I can't really explain why one guy missing the cut is a big deal when guys do it all the time. Hell, the guy who won this tournament last year has missed 8 cuts since. But, it has to do with Tiger and his mystique. When you've only missed 5 cuts in 13 years, which is a couple hundred tournaments, you almost begin to expect him to make it even when not playing well. It's a little like John Wayne dying at the end of a Western. Sure, it could happen, but it really shouldn't.

-I like that Turnberry found the guy with the thickest Scottish accent to do the tee announcements this week. Just adds to the authenticity of the tournament, even if I have no idea who's up.

-I never got Theo Epstein's fascination with Julio Lugo. I liked Orlando Cabrera or Alex Gonzalez a lot more and thought they over-paid for what wasn't much of an upgrade. Turns out, I wasn't that far off (I also didn't see the need to give J.D. Drew that much money either; at least that one has worked out a little better). He wasn't as good defensively as Gonzalez or the team guy that Cabrera was. Also, you need to question a guy who loses 15-20 pounds and all his power once they start steroid testing. He claimed to have a severe stomach bug in the offseason, but shouldn't some of that weight have come back? In the end, I'm glad to see that Theo is willing to admit when he's whiffed on a guy. Of course, that's easy to do when you it's not your own $13 million going to waste; and this is after they gave up $11 million for someone to take Renteria off their hands (it's amazing that Theo has had such a hard time finding a permanent fill at shortstop). Still, it's nice to know the average general manager is pretty much the same as your fantasy sports geek. There are just certain guys we want on our team, regardless of whether or not they have the stats to back up the man-crush.

-After signing over a hundred million dollars worth of contracts throughout his NBA career, it's sad to hear that Antoine Walker has started bouncing checks in casinos. You'd rather it be a case of mis-management and not one of gambling addictions eating through a guy's life savings. Hopefully, it's just that Employee #8 wasn't paying attention in those economics classes at Kentucky.

-In honor of Yao Ming, here's my navicular bone story: While Yao's was in his foot, I broke the hand navicular bone in my wrist during gym class my sophomore year of high school (see, kids, we still had gym class back in those days). Dad picked me up, took me to the hospital and I was back in school by 5th period ("Walk it off."). I then had to wear a splint for months because the navicular bone is the smallest bone in your body and therefore gets the least amount of blood to it. I blame it for my poor shot-put showing that spring.

I Guess Size Does Matter

When a hawk killed another bird in our backyard a couple of weeks ago, a lot of birds disappeared and haven't been seen since. The brave remaining few who come to our feeder have been eating with their heads on a collective swivel. The slightest breeze and they scatter like underage kids when the cops show up at a house party. So, when that same hawk was spotted around our house again on Monday night, I figured that would scare away the few birds that still risked coming around, leaving the seed to be finished off by the squirrels.

Well, we found one bird that will still show up and stand it's ground: a massive wild turkey. He's been roaming around the woods behind my house for a couple of months now, but the amount of free birdseed that is available to him has been bringing him around more frequently the last couple of days. And today he was hanging around the back of our house for almost an hour, much to the delight of Abigail. Guess he doesn't think a 5 pound hawk can kill a 15 pound turkey. Also, in case you were wondering, turkeys and squirrels to not get along.

-I want to take a second to talk about UFC 100, which was last weekend. Admittedly, it's not my thing. I haven't watched UFC in a long time, since the days of Royce Gracie and Ken Shamrock in UFC 5. For me it was 3 minutes of action, followed by 15 minutes of clutching, grabbing and rolling on the ground trying to lock in submission holds. I keep hearing that MMA has come a long way and that it's got more action in it today. While that may be the case, I still think I'll pass. They don't need my money anyways. What I want to talk about is how everyone seems to think that UFC is now a big-time sport, on par with hockey in America.

How can I put this? Dudes, it July. The sports world is dead in July: schools are out so there are no college sports and football, basketball and hockey are in their offseasons. Baseball doesn't even get interesting for another month. Not to mention, this was the weekend before the All-Star break, which is the slowest weekend in a slow month. In one regard I applaud the UFC for having their biggest event during a time that would garnish the most attention. It's very smart marketing (the NHL putting the signature outdoor hockey game on as the same day as most of college football's major bowls would be an example of the exact opposite of this strategy). If they want to be considered a big-time sport then UFC needs to find a strategy that will have the sports world buzzing in October. If you can get people to care when you're up against the NFL, college football, MLB playoffs and the NBA and NHL starting off, then we'll talk about your sport as a major player.

British Time

Due to the British Open, I guess I'll be on London time (or, more specifically Ayrshire time) for the next 4 days. May I just say: holy crap, I forgot how early 6 am is. But, after just a couple hours of watching, I've already figured out the word of this tournament. Much like the US Open was an excuse to call tall grass the more impressive-sounding "fescue", I expect to hear the word "burn" about 700 times this weekend. It sounds nice but, yeah, it's just a Scottish way of saying stream.

As for the Open, I'm not picking Tiger. I'm not falling for that again. I'm going with the upset (as much as picking the second ranked guy could be an upset) and Sergio Garcia to win. Other names to think about: Justin Leonard, Hunter Mahan and Henrik Stenson. Of course, if the wind starts blowing off the ocean and conditions go to hell then all bets are off and expect a random European who's played there before pull off the win.

-Whenever there is a coaching change in sports, you always hear the owner or GM say that the team needs a new voice and a new direction. What they mean by that is that the last guy was a either:
A) a control freak to the point the players were afraid to break wind on the field and a new coach is needed so everyone can relax and get back to just worrying about the game itself. Example: the Patriots replacing Bill Parcells with Pete Carroll.
B) a "player's coach" who let the team get away with murder and had no strict rules, so they stopped respecting his authority and now ownership was shutting that down to try and bring them back into line. Example: the Patriots replacing Pete Carroll with Bill Belichick.

With a sports team, this philosophy can work in the short term. And because it occasionally looks like it's working in the sports world, you'll see this in life as well. People convince themselves they need to date a smarter person after dating a dumb person and you date a party girl after dating the girl who went to bed at 9:30 on Friday nights. You're just trying something different since the last plan obviously didn't work. [sidebar: Let me end the suspense - this plan won't work either. Turns out the reason you were with the girl who went to bed early for so long is because you would rather go to bed early yourself (not literally 9:30, but you get the idea) than chase the sunrise every single Saturday. To complete the "sports to real life" analogy: there is a reason the Patriots won with Parcells, didn't respond to Carroll and then won 3 Super Bowls with Belichick.]

The point is it should be no surprise that Jon Gosselin was seen stepping out with a 22 year-old over the weekend. He probably just wants to hang out with someone who won't scream at him for not using a coupon and let him actually make a decision for once. Jon, I get what you're trying to do; really I do. But, a spot of advice: choose a different girl. You're still a father of 8 kids, for Christ's sake.

-You know the Maccabi games are going big time when they get a mention on PTI. Of course having a huge sports anomaly - USA beat Mexico in basketball, 112-13 (that's not a misprint) - helps a lot.

A Two Shower Day

While June was essentially a rain-out, July has thus far been spectacular. Today was another great day: sunny, cloudless and right around 80 degrees. Striking while the iron was hot I went out and played 9 this morning with my uncle Mike. Despite shooting a full 10 strokes worse than the last time I was at Willowdale, I came home and still seemed to be smelling ok. But, I haven't mowed my lawn in over a week and with the British Open this weekend, I'm not going to want to stray far from my TV. So, figured I should mow the lawn while the getting is good.

Unlike a lot of people, I actually like mowing the lawn. I just put on my iPod and go to work. Well, I should clarify: I like mowing my lawn. I'm not mowing your lawn even if you want to pay me. I think it's the fact that my lawn looks the best right after it's been mowed, with nice straight lines (this is also how I feel about myself - I look my best after a haircut and a shave). However, between the golf and the yard work I was really pushing the limits of my deodorant. I salute Old Spice High Endurance's efforts, but by the time I was done with the yard work I had passed the point of just waiting to shower tomorrow morning. Plus, you never know when a cute girl could show up at your door. Anyways, I like the two-shower days, cause they mean I've been productive. Not like the less popular "bump on a long" days during which it may not even matter if I shower at all depending on what kind of day I had the day before.

Now, a couple of thoughts on last night's All-Star game... which, truth be told, I watch about 5 minutes of and it was only the pre-game stuff.
-I want everyone to stop picking on Obama's first pitch coming up short. Dude was wearing a bullet-proof vest and that'll throw off any throwing motion.
-Also, I liked that Obama wore the White Sox jacket to throw out the first pitch. He stayed loyal to his team, when the more political move was to wear a an All-Star game jacket. Hell, his sports loyalty is half the reason I voted for him.
-Dick move by Joe Maddon to not play Wakefield at all in the game. I don't care if you told him beforehand he wasn't getting in unless the game went to extra innings, it was still a shitty thing to do to a guy who waited 17 years to make his first All-Star game and probably won't ever make another one. Wakefield won't say a thing about it, cause he's a class guy, but Sox fans won't be so restrained next time the Rays roll into town.

Bye, 'BCN

Today CBS announced that WBCN will be switching formats and frequency in a couple weeks, going to 98.5 and becoming an all-sports channel. My first thought, after updating my resume for possible job openings, was that I was surprised. Afterall, BCN has been around the area for 40 years and if any rock station was going to go off the air my money would have been on WAAF with it's spotty signal. But, then I thought more about it and I'm not really shocked. First off, I don't like the DJ's on BCN and I'm far from alone on that one. It's a combination of music snobs and guys who act like frat boys, despite being in their 40's. Really, DJ's make or break a station and ever since they ditched Opie and Anthony in the morning I haven't even been listening. I'm not surprised they're changing things up, but a switch to a Mike FM-like, no-DJ platform of nothing but rock music would make a lot more sense.

Let me just say that if the plan to keep Toucher and Rich on the air doing sports talk actually happens, then this station is going to fail quickly. These guys couldn't make it on a rock format that they only had to talk for 20 minutes an hour between bits about getting hammered. Also, neither of them are from Boston and let me sum up Boston sports fans for you: we don't care about other teams. Occasionally if you want to talk about the Yankees that will draw our interest, but we don't care about the St. Louis Cardinals or the Phillies. The average Boston sports fan isn't going to listen to these guys who aren't from here, don't really care about the teams and have no sports resume to validate their opinions. Trust me, I've worked at sports talk radio stations as they try to get off the ground and if you don't have solid hosts you're dead in the water before you even step off the dock. I give this a year before they switch back.

-Due to celebrating Israel one time, I'm permanently on some mailing lists. Really, I've tried to get off of them, but it is just not happening, despite the fact that I am not Jewish. They do occasionally pay off, though, like when I get the mailings about the Maccabi Games. Kudos (or should I say mazel tov?) for including golf as a sport, even though it's not in the actual Olympics. However, it's not the best choice of timing, because you've got to figure that the best Jewish golfers will be at the British Open this week. Good try, though.

Sudden Swearing...

I figure since I'm almost 30, I'm allowed to swear. And in my everyday life, I curse a lot. Maybe you can't tell because I think typing out swears is a waste of time, so they often don't come through on here unless I'm particularly fired up about something. At my last job everyone swore all the time, to the point you got into the habit of it and almost didn't notice until you were out at a social setting and realised that not everyone is comfortable with such language when at a Christening. But now this family has two small children running around and they have fully entered the parrot stage, which is to say they repeat back whatever you say to them. As a result, I've toned it down a lot over the last few months.

I've had to come up with some stand-ins for my typical swears and so long as I'm not on a golf course, I've gotten much better. The other day I even went so far as to correct a friend who was talking loudly and swearing when we were at a restaurant with kids nearby. It's almost like I've become an adult or something. The byproduct of this is that it's starting to catch me off guard when other people swear. As if my watching my language should have led to a global mandate or something (I guess in my head I'm quite the trendsetter).

The other day I was watching a video about a tool used to sharpen the grooves on a golf club (cause clearly, my grooves not being deep enough is my problem). The video was being done by an older, distinguished-looking man with a British accent. He's going on about proper angles, keeping your clubs legal with the depth of the grooves and making sure they stay clean when he casually mentions, "You just need to really get into the grooves. Make sure to get all that shit out of there." It threw me for a minute. Afterall, I was watching essentially an infomercial. Of course, I then rewound the video to makes sure I had heard it correctly (which I had) and started cracking up. So, in conclusion, the less you swear, the funnier it is when someone else does it.

-For the past week, I've heard all these women on TV and radio cackle about how the tragic Steve McNair situation should serve as a reminder to married men. They all thought that this would be just like Fatal Attraction; a cautionary tale meant to scare men into keeping it in their pants. While that may be the case for some, the Arturo Gatti story also points out that it doesn't matter if she's a wife or a mistress, sometimes the bitch is just crazy.

Reversal

This post is actually going to be in praise of soccer. Normally I would talk about the fact that there is too much flopping, the biggest stars in the sport are metrosexuals, I don't like any sport that can end in a 0-0 tie, and how stupid is it that the World Cup, the biggest championship in the entire world, can end on penalty kicks (honestly, it would be as if the World Series ended with a home run derby). But, on the other hand, 80,000 people showed up for Ronaldo's press conference this week, so clearly I'm in the minority. Instead I'm just going to show you a sick goal that was scored this week. I mean, this thing was nasty.



I'd also like to congratulate the guy for keeping his cool about it.* This goal was scored during an indoor soccer game, which I would imagine would be like getting a touchdown in arena league football. Yeah, it's nice, but it's not the same. When you have half the space to work with then you should score more. Way to keep it all in perspective, buddy. Too often in soccer you see guys score on practically empty nets and celebrate like they just created fire. I know that soccer goals are rare, but if it's not an impressive goal then you should tone down the reaction. This guy keeps it nice and composed. Well played, sir.


*Of course, I'm assuming that to be the case. My Portuguese could use some work. For all I know he could be talking about how he is a god amongst men.

Cutting Ties

With the exception of the top of my bureau, I'm anti-clutter (also, I contend that I know where everything is on there, it just doesn't look like it). And even though it may not take up any physical space, I don't like clutter in my Internet world, either. I try and keep my email addresses tied together (though it kills me that I have six of them) and I want the number of sites that I am tied to be as low as possible. If I'm not going to keep up with a blog or social media site then I feel like it's my duty to get rid of it.

Studies have been done and they find that about 70% of blogs are abandoned after a month. Apparently, people just don't have nearly the opinions they thought they did. Those that make it past that first month mark aren't guaranteed to make it over a long haul either - over 60% of blogs on the Internet have not been updated in over two months. But still they sit, popping up on search engines and slowing down people who may actually need to find an answer to their question. So, as I passed my second month of not checking on my MySpace page, it occurred to me that I probably wasn't going to get back into it. When you're aware that your ignoring something and that still doesn't compel you to action, that should speak volumes. I finally decided to take the step that so many people are reluctant to do - I deleted my MySpace page.

I probably had an easier time than most, given the fact that I got into MySpace later than everyone else. As a result I didn't have that many people on my buddy list and so it's not like I only connected to these people through the site. I physically know almost all of them. And those that I don't probably won't notice that I not there anymore. Not to mention, from one last look around it didn't appear that anyone else had stuck around on MySpace. Apparently the kids are all about FaceBook now (and no, I won't sign up for it, stop asking).

Personally, I think it would be a good thing for all of us to take an hour out of the time normally spent searching for the video of the water skiing squirrel to go back and clean up our Internet footprint. I know the web is made up of infinite space, but that doesn't mean I want to have to wade through site after site if they haven't been updated since the election in November. Delete your profiles from LiveJournal, Friendster and MySpace if you are no longer using them. Honestly, how many ways do you need to re-connect with people, when losing contact with them in the first place was probably a sign?

These Should be Better

One of the quirks of cable television is when a commercial pops up for a local business. You can tell when they're coming because you'll get a half-second of the national commercials before the local car dealer comes on with the commercial he shot in his back yard with all his cousins as extras. After the commercial ends you'll also be granted the final half-second of the commercial that you saw the beginning of. It's always a little odd when these things come on... usually right when we're getting to the part of the ticker with the score or story I'm interested in; only because it's not a national commercial its formatted differently and it takes up the whole screen and the scores aren't there anymore and by the time the commercial ends we've moved on to scores from another sport, meaning I have to wait another 10 minutes for it to roll back around again because all I caught was "...the injury could be career-threatening" which is really annoying cause now I don't know who they could possibly be talking about... Wait, what was I talking about again?

Oh, right, local ads. What I can't get over is that it is 2009 and putting together videos is easier than ever. There are dozens of applications and programs that you can put on your computer that make it very easy to create professional-level video. Honestly, a small child can work some of these programs and it comes out looking fine. Would it win any local Emmys? No, but it would still be an improvement. There is no need for this stuff to have public-access quality anymore. If you're going to spend the money to advertise, don't you want an ad that makes people talk about the product, not the shitty production quality?

A good example of a company that could afford to do better would be Bob's Discount Furniture. I get what he's going for, "I don't spend money on advertisers, and I pass the savings on to you!" Good premise. Only every time that store comes up in conversation, all people want to talk about are how awful the ads are. No one ever mentions getting a great price or how good the furniture is. It could just be that the furniture isn't that great in - if that is the case, then kudos for shifting the focus and forget I said anything. But if not, spend the extra $500 to shoot the commercial with a digital camera and pay a professional to edit it (trust me, there are a ton of cheap freelancers out there right now). It would make all the difference in the world.

-It's hard to complain about the 4th of July. I mean, what could there be to complain about a day devoted to family, food, patriotism and fireworks? But, there is this: the people who don't use their entire batch of fireworks on the 4th. As a result you can just hear people setting off fireworks every night of the week. It's a Wednesday night, sir, there is nothing worthy of fireworks tonight. Also, they should be better than the natural ones we've been getting around here.

Does No One Proofread Calendars?

I got a Celtic wall calendar for Christmas. Every month features a photo of a different Celtic, along with their vital stats in a column along the side. As a huge Celtic fan, I was really pleased with this. Also, as a guy who had a gap on the wall above his bureau to fill in, it worked out rather nicely (I mean, it's no Shakira calendar, but she hasn't put one out in a while). My editor eye was in full effect, though. The first thing I noticed about it was it had a couple mistakes on it. First off, there are two months devoted to James Posey. Posey is no longer a Celtic - he left before the season even started. But it was late in free agency and they probably had to go to press with this calendar a while ago and had to just hope he re-signed with the team. So, I was willing to give them a mulligan on that one.

It wasn't until I took a closer look that I started to notice other problems. For example, the picture in May one of those pictures of James Posey and it listed his number as #42. However, a 2 second look at the accompanying picture shows Posey wearing #41... which he wore all season. There is no reason to screw something like this up, let alone doing it twice (the same mistake appears in November). I guess you could chalk it up to the fact that this company had 30 individual calendars to make and that works out to be a lot of players, but still, they're right next to one another. That's a mistake any editor with eyes should have caught.

The worst offense, however, came this month when I noticed that alongside the picture of Kevin Garnett they had misspelled his name. Alright, I'm done making excuses for these people. This isn't one of those page-a-day kind of calendars with 365 pages to proof. They only have 12 pages to make sure are correct. And making sure that you spell the name of one of the most popular players in the NBA isn't asking too much, even if you do have to make 30 different versions of this calendar.

But, you want to know the worst parts?
1) it took me until now to realise that they spelled Garnett's name wrong, despite the fact they did the same thing on the January picture. Shows you how much I care about the date.
2) it made me question my own spelling in all my own columns. I had this moment where I wondered if I had been spelling his name wrong all these months. I had to go into my closet and look at one of my 4 Garnett jerseys to make sure there really should be two T's.

-Let me just say this about Roy Halladay - I love the guy's skills. He's one of the 5 best pitchers in the American League, maybe in all of baseball. But, the price to get him would be astronomical. You're looking at giving Toronto at least Buchholz and Masterson, probably also have to throw in some top-quality minor leaguers. As it stands right now, the Sox's problems aren't with starting pitching. They need some middle relievers and could use a better 4th outfielder. I say they only go after Halladay to prevent him from ending up on the Yankees.

It's Amazing Which Lessons Stick...

Throughout my life I have probably been given thousands of pieces of advice. Some I choose to listen to; others go in one ear and out the other. The decision process about which stay in my head and which fade has a lot to do with the person giving the advice, whether or not it's relevant to me and also the consequences of such actions. For example, I never brush my teeth after lunch despite my dentist's urging. First, I don't listen to doctors most of the time and second the biggest consequence for this could be cavities. But, I never play golf during a lighting storm because the consequence for that would be much more severe. (Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that I'll listen to all advice when it comes to lighting.) Either way, it's all about degrees.

The reason I bring it up is because today, as I was sitting down to work on some emails, I heard a rumble of thunder in the distance. This is nothing new. This summer it feels like it has rained almost every other day and when it has it's almost always a thunderstorm. But, upon hearing the thunder, my first instinct was that I immediately had to shut my computer off. I'm sure you've heard what could happen: my house could get struck my lighting, my computer would get fried and I would lose all my valuable documents, music files and the computer itself. Now this has never happened to me, or even anyone that I know, for that matter. Also, every computer in my house is hooked up to surge protectors to keep them safe in just such an occurrence. Still, the fact that it could happen makes me think it's the thing I should do. That lesson has stuck despite having no concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I will absolutely go swimming less than an hour after eating, despite having gotten a cramp before. I'm a risk taker.

-This story is connected to me in 2 ways:
1. One of my first gigs in major market radio was as an intern for the Dennis & Callahan morning show on WEEI. One day we did a remote from the Barking Crab. Less than two weeks later the place was closed for health code violations. Good times.
2. I spent two years of my life moving kegs around. It was a constant stream of slamming fingers, crushing toes and straining my back. At no point, however, was the thought of death anywhere in the mix. I would have left that job a lot sooner if it was.

Killin' (Spiders) is My Business...

...and business is booming. At least lately it feels like it. It seems like every time that I look up on the ceiling I see one of the little buggers. They're always crawling around the corners of my room and leaving their stupid cobwebs. I'm constantly clearing them out and at least three times today I walked into a cobweb somewhere in my room (you know that feeling you get when you walk into a web? It's that strange tingle that is kind of hard to describe, but you know what I'm talking about). I made the mistake of turning off my fan last night and this morning one of the bugs had made several passes between the fan and the wall. He made quick work of it; too bad it was gone as soon as I noticed it.

I'm not sure why it seems like I have a lot bigger spider problem than normal this year. It could be that since it's been cold this summer I still have not had to turn the A/C on so far this year and have instead just opened up windows, so they've been able to get in that way. But you would think that since it gets so cold at night that the pain in the asses would be dying off. Instead I have to crush them with a kleenex and then clean their guts off the white ceiling. Consider this an open plea to the spiders: stick to my walls. It's harder to see a mark on the green wall.

-I love that the national media seems surprised that we cheered Nomar last night. This just proves their ignorance about all things Boston. Let me be clear about this for future reference - if you played with the Sox for more than 5 years and you didn't then sign with the Yankees you can expect a nice ovation. As long as you don't come back in pinstripes, you'll be fine.

-I was perusing the Celtics summer league roster last night as I watched highlights from their game against the Jazz (what... why is watching summer league games weird?) and saw that Robert Swift is on the team. This is awesome because in 2004 Danny Ainge was desperate to draft Swift, but couldn't find a way to trade up and get him. Instead, he had to settle for Al Jefferson. Jefferson has since become one of the best low-post players in the league, while Swift leads the league in horrid tattoos (that's an old photo, by the way, he's added more) and averaged 4 ppg for his career. It was a huge bullet dodged and more proof that sometimes the best choices in life are the ones we aren't allowed to make. All in all, Ainge should be praying that we all forget about his obsession with this kid. But I guess Danny just doesn't know how to quit this kid. He's probably prouder of this signing than he is of getting Rasheed Wallace.

Damn Hippies

For the most part I don't watch reality TV. And by "reality TV" I mean shows like Wife Swap, American Idol, Super Nanny - you know, that sort of TV. The reason I don't like them is because to me there is nothing real about them. They are formatted to create conflict and drama, two things I hate in my everyday life. They are also heavily edited to make it look more dramatic than it probably was and just provide fuel that deepen stereotypes.

The kind of reality shows I do enjoy, however, are the documentary-style ones that you find on the Discovery or Science networks. You tell me that we're going to be hunting down the last secrets of the the attack on Pearl Harbor and you can pretty much tell where I'm going to be for the next hour. I would always get sucked in when Survivor Man was on and I still end up spending an hour of my life watch Deep Sea Detective when I know damn well at the end of the hour they're just going to declare that, "We think this is what happened, but we'll never know for sure." (sidebar: that is always how that show ends. They never definitively figure it out).

My newest discovery is a show on Animal Planet called Whale Wars. Basically, it tells the story of the Sea Shepherds - a boat full of environmentalists who go from Australia to Antarctica and try to disrupt the Japanese whaling fleet. Now, you would think I would be fully behind the Sea Shepherds; afterall, who roots for people killing whales? But, I'm conflicted due to my deep hatred of hippies. See, this is what drives me crazy about hippies - they have a good idea, but don't really think about the best way to act out that plan. Sure they could try and get tougher legislation passed, actually prove that the Japanese are whaling illegally or even educate the public on the atrocities of whaling... but instead let's just take 30 people, only 3 of which will have any training, put them on a boat (you just know that boat smells like patchouli and the radio only plays Phish), go through some of the harshest seas on the planet and try to get close enough to bigger whaling boats that we can throw stink bombs at them. Good call, hippies.

On an episode I saw the other day the first mate ignored the charts, cause you know, what has technology ever done for us? He then proceeded to get the ship surrounded by ice (oh and by the way, this ship isn't meant to be around any kind of ice, let alone giant icebergs) and the boat damn near sank. Meanwhile these guys just kept talking about their clients, the whales. Someone needs to tell them if they sink the whales won't be coming to help.

-Tweet of the week goes to Bill Simmons, who had this to say regarding the 4th of July: "The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot around the bases as the English stare us down from the mound."

The Norwood Doll Carriage Parade (in pictures)

One of my favorite traditions in the town of Norwood is the annual 4th of July Doll Carriage Parade. Kids (and their parents) decorate carriages, bikes and wagons with as much red, white and blue as they can cram on and walk through the center of town. My sister was a winner of this years ago and now that the next generation of girls has come along, my family has gotten into it all over again. Last year the girls took home the prize. This year we had 4 entrants as Charlotte, Addison, Kyra and Eliza were going to be involved.

Addison checking out the competition.

Charlotte doing her best Michael Jordan impression.

Charlotte seems to be questioning why she can't get her own wagon, while Addison isn't sure if she likes this stuff going around the edges.

Yes, it's the same dress for all four girls... did you expect anything less?

We got there early and got numbers 4-7.
I'm as stunned as you are that someone beat us to get numbers 1-3.

Our group was 4 girls and 15 adults.
I would have thought the ratio would be higher.

Matching crowns and dresses. How could they not win this thing?

This pictures is to show you how serious the town takes this thing. It's a huge event. Also, it's always funny because there are 400 people marching in it and 20 people watching it.

Made it to the center of town with the wagon and decorations still mostly in place. And, in case you're wondering how many pictures I had to take to get one with both girls looking at the camera, the answer is 7.

Alas, they couldn't defend their title. There were twin girls pushing a red, white and blue carriage with twin dolls inside. That's tough to beat.
But, they still got shirts.

Planning has already begun for next year. I'm thinking something big enough for all 6 girls to ride on would get the judges attentions.

-I caught the 1812 Overture on TV last night. You can't tell me that the guy who was playing the chimes put a lot of time in at practice. It looked like he was just randomly banging them.

-So, get this: my mother was moving some leaves that seem to collect next to the house no matter how many times we rake that area out. Under the pile of leaves, she found the plug for the good cooler. It's a 4th of July Miracle!!!

Happy 4th!

This post was originally going to be about the best music to choreograph fireworks to. Then I remembered that I don't really care for fireworks and also, nothing beats the 1812 Overture. So instead you get a story.

Behind my house are about 40 yards of woods. After that is another 50 yards of field before you get to our neighbor's house. The guy who lives through the woods behind us used to always have a huge 4th of July party for his employees. Other than the occasional person heading in the wrong direction, it was no big deal to us. But, one 4th of July, about 15 years ago as we came home from a barbecue and I remember hearing people in the woods behind our house, rather late at night. We thought maybe the party had gone long and people were still milling around back there... only to discover that they were firefighters. Apparently someone had shot fireworks into the woods and fire had burned down a section about 50 feet wide where the woods met the field.

Moral of the story: enjoy a hot dog or a hamburger, play some ladderball, but leave the fireworks to the professionals.

Hope everyone out there has a safe and happy 4th of July. As a man who enjoys a good rendition of the national anthem, here's one of the better ones ever... you know, before Whitney went nuts.



Now, excuse me while I try not to gag watching the hot dog eating contest...

P.S. Welcome to the country, Jason Bay! One more person eligible for jury duty!!

Just Rambling...

-I love the guide feature on my TV remote. One of my quirks is that I am never happy with what's on TV now, I also have to know whats going to be on later. So, when I saw that Comedy Central was going to be showing nothing but stand-up specials all weekend I was pretty excited, cause I'm a guy who enjoys stand-up comedy. So, I flipped through them all to see if any were worth setting the VCR (yes, I still use the VCR to record things). Despite the massive catalog of specials that the network has at it's disposal, there really aren't any good ones on until Sunday. 36 hours of stand-up and there are maybe two shows worth setting a reminder for. Just further proof I should be in charge of programming (also if I was in charge of programming, that Michael & Michael Have Issues show would already be cancelled).

-I've found it's really easy to summarily judge people when you're behind them in line at a store. For example: if you have nothing but Coke products in your basket, as a Pepsi guy I'll decide we won't be friends. It's just that easy for me.

-Why do networks even bother to show sporting events on tape delay? I don't care if it happened at 5 am this morning - waiting to show it at noon when I could go online at 9 am and see how it ended just is a waste of time. You'd be better off airing more Michael Jackson coverage, cause we certainly haven't gotten enough of that.

-I love that Al Franken is the new Senator from Minnesota. It just goes to show you that we're getting closer to Congresswoman Fey.

-Now that Trevor Ariza is signing with the Rockets, I'm ok with the Celtics going after Rasheed Wallace. It's not that I would consider myself a fan of Wallace, but I'd rather have him for 2 years than Big Baby for 5 years. I'm realistic about this team - the window is only open for another couple years before Allen, Pierce and Garnett will be past their respective primes. Try and get another championship while you can, boys.

I Don't Need the Recipe Book for This One

My preferences when it comes to alcohol are pretty standard. I stick with beer most of the time (although which kind can vary depending on my mood and the weather). Occasionally I will venture to the hard liquor, though it never gets too exotic (Jack or Johnny on the rocks, rum and coke - that's about it) and then I always end the night with Bailey's on the rocks. But, despite my standard tastes, I'm interested in those exotic drinks with names that offer no clues about what alcohol could be included. The bartenders that seem to have this vast catalog in their heads impress me. Even though I wouldn't like to drink them myself, I think it's always a good idea to know how to make a variety of drinks, should you find yourself behind the bar at a party or something. You never know when someone could want a tequila sunrise or another equally off-the-wall choice.

This could be why these new Disaronno ads bother me so much. They act like they're giving you these grand drink mixtures for Disaronno drinks, when all they're telling you how to make is Disaronno and ginger ale (hint: Ice, Ginger ale, Disaronno - mix to your own liking). If you're going to go through the effort to make a nationwide ad campaign based around this premise, why not make an interesting drink? Don't tell me that all that goes into a Disaronna and Coke is Coke and Disaronno; I know that already. Tell me what the hell goes into a Big Mac Daddy (I did the research for you: it's a shot of Disaronno, shot of bourbon, 2 of cranberry juice, 8 ounces raspberry juice and topped off with ginger ale). That sounds like it's a good drink to know how to make.

-Yesterday was July first. Typically a hot day, you would think. Then why the hell was a digging out a sweatshirt in the afternoon? You know, I saw the glorified power-point presentation that was An Inconvenient Truth and it made me a believer in global warming. But when it's 63 degrees and we're into July, that doesn't help your cause all that much.

-Not that I want the Pistons to be good or anything, because I hate them more than I hate the Lakers, but someone should pull their management aside and remind them that just because Connecticut has a great basketball program it doesn't mean you have to try and get them all on one team in the pros. You are allowed to sign guys from other programs.

Hitchhiking Tips

Yesterday, as I was cruising down Rt 109, I saw a guy hitchhiking. First off, I didn't even know people still did that. I thought it fell out of fashion once horror movie after horror movie featured people getting killed while hitchhiking. Apparently, people still do it. Also, I could have sworn it was illegal. But, the weirdest part was the guy (who looked a little "out there" to begin with) honestly looked surprised he wasn't getting a ride. Now, I'm not one to encourage hitchhiking, but if you're so inclined I thought I should at least offer you some helpful hints that would aid you in getting picked up faster.

• Location, Location, Location: See this guy's problem was that he was hitching at the beginning of a long curve. So, everyone had to slow down as they approached the curve, but sped up once they were in it. To this guy it had to seem that everyone was slowing down, thinking about it, then thinking better of it and speeding back up. I would imagine that hurts the ego. You need to be on a long straight away - that way people can see you for a while and think about stopping.
• Have a Prop: Honestly, having something in your hand would be helpful. Perhaps a gas can to give the appearance you just ran out of gas. Maybe a briefcase to make it seem you're on your way to a big meeting. Even a clever sign would be good.
• Dress for Hitchhiking Success: If you're looking for a complete stranger to allow you into their car, you can't make them think you're going to leave stains on their upholstery. Perhaps your dip-stained windbreaker should be tied around your waist. Or, you could put it in your briefcase.
• Put on a Happy Face: People have to be in a really good mood to let someone into their car. Don't ruin their good day by looking pissed like you're doing them a favor by allowing them to drive you somewhere.
• Be a Really Hot Woman: I can think of no faster way to get someone to stop for you. Carmen Electra could be standing there with an axe and a severed head, but I would still pull over and ask if she needs assistance.