Bon Voyage

Like anyone who has had an email address for more than a week, I get a tremendous amount of spam mail. Because I get so much email that I didn't ask for which is trying to sell me things I would never want, whenever I see an spam ad which remotely applies to something I might enjoy it is actually quite shocking and I feel compelled to check it out. The other day for some reason I got an email offering me the chance to go on a basketball-themed cruise including the chance to hang out with basketball legends. As yet another cruise ship was towed back to the harbor with some kind of mechanical failure last week I would remind you that these companies couldn't pay me enough to go on a cruise, but I do love basketball and was curious to see which former superstars they managed to rope into this idea. I can only assume the entire cruise industry is getting quite desperate to find new customers after all the problems of the last year and had high hopes that the lineup would be impressive. It was not. Most of the names would only be recognizable to the most intense of basketball fans and even they would be hard-pressed to remember the last time they were in the NBA. Yes, there were a couple of Hall of Famers in the mix and a few recent stars who have had well-publicized money issues, but the majority of the players advertised hadn't played professionally since the 70s so I don't imagine they will be playing a lot of basketball. But after thinking it over I've actually decided that it wouldn't matter if the roster included this year's All-Star team, I wouldn't want to spend a week on a cruise with them.

First off, I don't really understand why people would want to go on a cruise when we've invented better modes of transportation. It is like taking a train when the tracks go right next to the highway. That lack of control also would drive me crazy. I'm a nervous traveler, constantly worried I will miss my flight. Well, if you are in a new place every day for a short amount of time it just feels like it would be a week of that feeling, constantly worried the boat will leave without you. And if all that weren't enough, I've always felt like the biggest problem with cruises is that you can't leave. Sure, you can get off for a few hours at the various ports, but then it is right back on the boat to spend another day trapped with the same people you saw yesterday. As we all know the surest way to make sure no one has a good time is to try and force them to do just that and I feel like these cruises are 7 days of the fun police breathing down your neck. On top of that the knowledge that you can leave would constantly be on my mind. Even if by some miracle I was having fun on the cruise the idea that I couldn't leave should the situation change would never be too far from my brain. And this concept is pretty much exclusive to cruises because if you aren't enjoying anything else about your vacation you can change it. I can't even take a cruise around Boston Harbor without wishing it was at least 45 minutes shorter. I love boats but only in short spurts, so no cruises for me.

The idea of being trapped on this boat with a bunch of former professional athletes would be extra hellish. They say you should never meet your heroes because you are bound to be disappointed with them. There is simply no way anyone can stay up on the pedestal you have built for them in your mind. Well, I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of professional athletes in my travels and I can tell you that no matter how low you set the bar it should probably still be a little lower. I'm not saying the athletes I have encountered weren't great people, just that they didn't have a ton of interesting things to say. The problem is that to become an amazing athlete you have to spend so much of your life getting good at sports that other crucial ares get neglected and as such many pro athletes don't develop very strong social skills. Even worse, they have spent most of their adult lives surrounded by people who have nothing to gain by correcting them, so they think the sings they say are actually funny or interesting. Most of them topped out at a maturity level of about 17 and in some ways it is a little sad. All they know is sports and once they can no longer do that many of them are forced to show just how bad their personalities really are. The Hall of Famer on the cruise is supposed to be Rick Barry, who for years was know as one of the least-popular players in the NBA due to his surly demeanor. Even his own kids have said how hard he is to get along with, so I really can't think of a worse idea than being trapped on a boat for a week with him (imagine if this cruise became disabled). I think we'd run out of things to talk about before the boat had left the dock.

Of course I imagine the only people who will sign up for this cruise will be die-hard basketball fans who not only know who these guys are but memorized their stats and have a bunch of things for them to sign. This scenario is also known as an athlete's worst nightmare, so I would bet they aren't looking forward to this cruise either and will probably spend much of their time hiding away in their cabins. Plus, the idea that being trapped on a boat with a former pro athlete for a week will somehow make you friends is both naive and a little bit stalker-ish. (I blame "The Love Boat" for putting this idea in people's minds.) The more likely scenario is walking away with a restraining order. So, what we end up with are two groups of people - former athletes who just want a paycheck and don't care if the people who paid to be on this cruise have a good time and basketball junkies who are going to severely disappointed that Antoine Walker isn't interested in coming to their kids dance recital next weekend - and they won't be able to get away from one another because they will be mile out to seas. Because I love awkward situations which don't involve me I'd love to parachute in and check on everyone's progress about four days into the cruise, but that is as close as I would ever want to get to that boat. So, even though for once a spam email actually offered me something other than generic sex drugs for cheap or free money from an African Prince once I loaned him the transfer fee of $3,000, they still didn't quite do a good enough job to rope me in.