Killin' (Spiders) is My Business...

...and business is booming. At least lately it feels like it. It seems like every time that I look up on the ceiling I see one of the little buggers. They're always crawling around the corners of my room and leaving their stupid cobwebs. I'm constantly clearing them out and at least three times today I walked into a cobweb somewhere in my room (you know that feeling you get when you walk into a web? It's that strange tingle that is kind of hard to describe, but you know what I'm talking about). I made the mistake of turning off my fan last night and this morning one of the bugs had made several passes between the fan and the wall. He made quick work of it; too bad it was gone as soon as I noticed it.

I'm not sure why it seems like I have a lot bigger spider problem than normal this year. It could be that since it's been cold this summer I still have not had to turn the A/C on so far this year and have instead just opened up windows, so they've been able to get in that way. But you would think that since it gets so cold at night that the pain in the asses would be dying off. Instead I have to crush them with a kleenex and then clean their guts off the white ceiling. Consider this an open plea to the spiders: stick to my walls. It's harder to see a mark on the green wall.

-I love that the national media seems surprised that we cheered Nomar last night. This just proves their ignorance about all things Boston. Let me be clear about this for future reference - if you played with the Sox for more than 5 years and you didn't then sign with the Yankees you can expect a nice ovation. As long as you don't come back in pinstripes, you'll be fine.

-I was perusing the Celtics summer league roster last night as I watched highlights from their game against the Jazz (what... why is watching summer league games weird?) and saw that Robert Swift is on the team. This is awesome because in 2004 Danny Ainge was desperate to draft Swift, but couldn't find a way to trade up and get him. Instead, he had to settle for Al Jefferson. Jefferson has since become one of the best low-post players in the league, while Swift leads the league in horrid tattoos (that's an old photo, by the way, he's added more) and averaged 4 ppg for his career. It was a huge bullet dodged and more proof that sometimes the best choices in life are the ones we aren't allowed to make. All in all, Ainge should be praying that we all forget about his obsession with this kid. But I guess Danny just doesn't know how to quit this kid. He's probably prouder of this signing than he is of getting Rasheed Wallace.

Damn Hippies

For the most part I don't watch reality TV. And by "reality TV" I mean shows like Wife Swap, American Idol, Super Nanny - you know, that sort of TV. The reason I don't like them is because to me there is nothing real about them. They are formatted to create conflict and drama, two things I hate in my everyday life. They are also heavily edited to make it look more dramatic than it probably was and just provide fuel that deepen stereotypes.

The kind of reality shows I do enjoy, however, are the documentary-style ones that you find on the Discovery or Science networks. You tell me that we're going to be hunting down the last secrets of the the attack on Pearl Harbor and you can pretty much tell where I'm going to be for the next hour. I would always get sucked in when Survivor Man was on and I still end up spending an hour of my life watch Deep Sea Detective when I know damn well at the end of the hour they're just going to declare that, "We think this is what happened, but we'll never know for sure." (sidebar: that is always how that show ends. They never definitively figure it out).

My newest discovery is a show on Animal Planet called Whale Wars. Basically, it tells the story of the Sea Shepherds - a boat full of environmentalists who go from Australia to Antarctica and try to disrupt the Japanese whaling fleet. Now, you would think I would be fully behind the Sea Shepherds; afterall, who roots for people killing whales? But, I'm conflicted due to my deep hatred of hippies. See, this is what drives me crazy about hippies - they have a good idea, but don't really think about the best way to act out that plan. Sure they could try and get tougher legislation passed, actually prove that the Japanese are whaling illegally or even educate the public on the atrocities of whaling... but instead let's just take 30 people, only 3 of which will have any training, put them on a boat (you just know that boat smells like patchouli and the radio only plays Phish), go through some of the harshest seas on the planet and try to get close enough to bigger whaling boats that we can throw stink bombs at them. Good call, hippies.

On an episode I saw the other day the first mate ignored the charts, cause you know, what has technology ever done for us? He then proceeded to get the ship surrounded by ice (oh and by the way, this ship isn't meant to be around any kind of ice, let alone giant icebergs) and the boat damn near sank. Meanwhile these guys just kept talking about their clients, the whales. Someone needs to tell them if they sink the whales won't be coming to help.

-Tweet of the week goes to Bill Simmons, who had this to say regarding the 4th of July: "The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot around the bases as the English stare us down from the mound."

The Norwood Doll Carriage Parade (in pictures)

One of my favorite traditions in the town of Norwood is the annual 4th of July Doll Carriage Parade. Kids (and their parents) decorate carriages, bikes and wagons with as much red, white and blue as they can cram on and walk through the center of town. My sister was a winner of this years ago and now that the next generation of girls has come along, my family has gotten into it all over again. Last year the girls took home the prize. This year we had 4 entrants as Charlotte, Addison, Kyra and Eliza were going to be involved.

Addison checking out the competition.

Charlotte doing her best Michael Jordan impression.

Charlotte seems to be questioning why she can't get her own wagon, while Addison isn't sure if she likes this stuff going around the edges.

Yes, it's the same dress for all four girls... did you expect anything less?

We got there early and got numbers 4-7.
I'm as stunned as you are that someone beat us to get numbers 1-3.

Our group was 4 girls and 15 adults.
I would have thought the ratio would be higher.

Matching crowns and dresses. How could they not win this thing?

This pictures is to show you how serious the town takes this thing. It's a huge event. Also, it's always funny because there are 400 people marching in it and 20 people watching it.

Made it to the center of town with the wagon and decorations still mostly in place. And, in case you're wondering how many pictures I had to take to get one with both girls looking at the camera, the answer is 7.

Alas, they couldn't defend their title. There were twin girls pushing a red, white and blue carriage with twin dolls inside. That's tough to beat.
But, they still got shirts.

Planning has already begun for next year. I'm thinking something big enough for all 6 girls to ride on would get the judges attentions.

-I caught the 1812 Overture on TV last night. You can't tell me that the guy who was playing the chimes put a lot of time in at practice. It looked like he was just randomly banging them.

-So, get this: my mother was moving some leaves that seem to collect next to the house no matter how many times we rake that area out. Under the pile of leaves, she found the plug for the good cooler. It's a 4th of July Miracle!!!

Happy 4th!

This post was originally going to be about the best music to choreograph fireworks to. Then I remembered that I don't really care for fireworks and also, nothing beats the 1812 Overture. So instead you get a story.

Behind my house are about 40 yards of woods. After that is another 50 yards of field before you get to our neighbor's house. The guy who lives through the woods behind us used to always have a huge 4th of July party for his employees. Other than the occasional person heading in the wrong direction, it was no big deal to us. But, one 4th of July, about 15 years ago as we came home from a barbecue and I remember hearing people in the woods behind our house, rather late at night. We thought maybe the party had gone long and people were still milling around back there... only to discover that they were firefighters. Apparently someone had shot fireworks into the woods and fire had burned down a section about 50 feet wide where the woods met the field.

Moral of the story: enjoy a hot dog or a hamburger, play some ladderball, but leave the fireworks to the professionals.

Hope everyone out there has a safe and happy 4th of July. As a man who enjoys a good rendition of the national anthem, here's one of the better ones ever... you know, before Whitney went nuts.



Now, excuse me while I try not to gag watching the hot dog eating contest...

P.S. Welcome to the country, Jason Bay! One more person eligible for jury duty!!

Just Rambling...

-I love the guide feature on my TV remote. One of my quirks is that I am never happy with what's on TV now, I also have to know whats going to be on later. So, when I saw that Comedy Central was going to be showing nothing but stand-up specials all weekend I was pretty excited, cause I'm a guy who enjoys stand-up comedy. So, I flipped through them all to see if any were worth setting the VCR (yes, I still use the VCR to record things). Despite the massive catalog of specials that the network has at it's disposal, there really aren't any good ones on until Sunday. 36 hours of stand-up and there are maybe two shows worth setting a reminder for. Just further proof I should be in charge of programming (also if I was in charge of programming, that Michael & Michael Have Issues show would already be cancelled).

-I've found it's really easy to summarily judge people when you're behind them in line at a store. For example: if you have nothing but Coke products in your basket, as a Pepsi guy I'll decide we won't be friends. It's just that easy for me.

-Why do networks even bother to show sporting events on tape delay? I don't care if it happened at 5 am this morning - waiting to show it at noon when I could go online at 9 am and see how it ended just is a waste of time. You'd be better off airing more Michael Jackson coverage, cause we certainly haven't gotten enough of that.

-I love that Al Franken is the new Senator from Minnesota. It just goes to show you that we're getting closer to Congresswoman Fey.

-Now that Trevor Ariza is signing with the Rockets, I'm ok with the Celtics going after Rasheed Wallace. It's not that I would consider myself a fan of Wallace, but I'd rather have him for 2 years than Big Baby for 5 years. I'm realistic about this team - the window is only open for another couple years before Allen, Pierce and Garnett will be past their respective primes. Try and get another championship while you can, boys.

I Don't Need the Recipe Book for This One

My preferences when it comes to alcohol are pretty standard. I stick with beer most of the time (although which kind can vary depending on my mood and the weather). Occasionally I will venture to the hard liquor, though it never gets too exotic (Jack or Johnny on the rocks, rum and coke - that's about it) and then I always end the night with Bailey's on the rocks. But, despite my standard tastes, I'm interested in those exotic drinks with names that offer no clues about what alcohol could be included. The bartenders that seem to have this vast catalog in their heads impress me. Even though I wouldn't like to drink them myself, I think it's always a good idea to know how to make a variety of drinks, should you find yourself behind the bar at a party or something. You never know when someone could want a tequila sunrise or another equally off-the-wall choice.

This could be why these new Disaronno ads bother me so much. They act like they're giving you these grand drink mixtures for Disaronno drinks, when all they're telling you how to make is Disaronno and ginger ale (hint: Ice, Ginger ale, Disaronno - mix to your own liking). If you're going to go through the effort to make a nationwide ad campaign based around this premise, why not make an interesting drink? Don't tell me that all that goes into a Disaronna and Coke is Coke and Disaronno; I know that already. Tell me what the hell goes into a Big Mac Daddy (I did the research for you: it's a shot of Disaronno, shot of bourbon, 2 of cranberry juice, 8 ounces raspberry juice and topped off with ginger ale). That sounds like it's a good drink to know how to make.

-Yesterday was July first. Typically a hot day, you would think. Then why the hell was a digging out a sweatshirt in the afternoon? You know, I saw the glorified power-point presentation that was An Inconvenient Truth and it made me a believer in global warming. But when it's 63 degrees and we're into July, that doesn't help your cause all that much.

-Not that I want the Pistons to be good or anything, because I hate them more than I hate the Lakers, but someone should pull their management aside and remind them that just because Connecticut has a great basketball program it doesn't mean you have to try and get them all on one team in the pros. You are allowed to sign guys from other programs.

Hitchhiking Tips

Yesterday, as I was cruising down Rt 109, I saw a guy hitchhiking. First off, I didn't even know people still did that. I thought it fell out of fashion once horror movie after horror movie featured people getting killed while hitchhiking. Apparently, people still do it. Also, I could have sworn it was illegal. But, the weirdest part was the guy (who looked a little "out there" to begin with) honestly looked surprised he wasn't getting a ride. Now, I'm not one to encourage hitchhiking, but if you're so inclined I thought I should at least offer you some helpful hints that would aid you in getting picked up faster.

• Location, Location, Location: See this guy's problem was that he was hitching at the beginning of a long curve. So, everyone had to slow down as they approached the curve, but sped up once they were in it. To this guy it had to seem that everyone was slowing down, thinking about it, then thinking better of it and speeding back up. I would imagine that hurts the ego. You need to be on a long straight away - that way people can see you for a while and think about stopping.
• Have a Prop: Honestly, having something in your hand would be helpful. Perhaps a gas can to give the appearance you just ran out of gas. Maybe a briefcase to make it seem you're on your way to a big meeting. Even a clever sign would be good.
• Dress for Hitchhiking Success: If you're looking for a complete stranger to allow you into their car, you can't make them think you're going to leave stains on their upholstery. Perhaps your dip-stained windbreaker should be tied around your waist. Or, you could put it in your briefcase.
• Put on a Happy Face: People have to be in a really good mood to let someone into their car. Don't ruin their good day by looking pissed like you're doing them a favor by allowing them to drive you somewhere.
• Be a Really Hot Woman: I can think of no faster way to get someone to stop for you. Carmen Electra could be standing there with an axe and a severed head, but I would still pull over and ask if she needs assistance.