Saturday, May 7, 2011

Weekly Sporties

-I'm a little surprised at the quality of names that are popping up for the open Maryland Head Basketball Coach job after Gary Williams suddenly retirement this week. I mean, I know Maryland basketball is a good job, I just didn't think it was this good. Anyway, one of the names to come up is that of Mike Brey, currently the head coach of Notre Dame. Now, I wouldn't fault Mike if he wanted to leave; he's from the D.C. area and cut his teeth as an assistant in the ACC at Duke. But, I would just offer him this one piece of advice first: it's not always the worst thing in the world to be the basketball coach at a football school. Think about it like this: if you have a great season that's awesome. But if you don't people are concentrating on spring football anyway. Basically people only notice you when you are succeeding while simultaneously allowing you to fail in the shadows. I'm not sure 10 years with no trips to the Final Four would fly in Maryland, whereas no one is all that upset about it in South Bend.

-Boise State, everyone's favorite underdogs of the college football world due to their lack of an automatic BCS Bowl bid, got into trouble this week when it was revealed that some assistant coaches arraigned for players to get discounts on merchandise at local stores. This is an NCAA violation and the school penalised itself 3 scholarships for the next couple of years. This is a blatant attempt by Boise State to cut off the NCAA and hope that they don't get hit with any more restrictions. It probably won't work because in the grand scheme of things, because it isn't much of a penalty. But, still, just to see them try it... it looks like our little program is all grown up.

-Flipping passed ESNU this week, I paused just long enough to see they were televising women's college softball (clearly a slow sports week for the all-college station). However, that's not what caught my eye - the girl in the batter's box was wearing one of those wristbands often seen by quarterbacks which hold all the possible plays for them to run. In football it makes a lot more sense to simply call in a number for the quarterback to reference on his wrist rather than the entire play, because some of those can have lengthy names. But, what could possibly be on this girls playbook wristband? The way I see it batter's only have three choices: take, bunt, swing away. If you need a wristband to remind you of that you have some much bigger issues.

-It was announced this week that a group of professional poker players were getting together to form their own league. The group of about 30 players would be invited to join based on total earning for the year, so as to exclude people who just got lucky at one tournament. This pleases me greatly, because it should signal the beginning of the end of professional poker. At a time when poker should be looking to increase participation, it is instead looking to kick the bandwagon players out, which is stupid. But, it is what the pros want so I say let them go back to playing in dark room for 1/50 of the prize money. Hope they're happy with this decision. Look, it was fun for a while, but I would say we're just about done and the steady rating decline that poker has been on says the rest of the country agrees with me. This is just another nail in the coffin.

-There were rumblings this week that Rory Sabbatini will be suspended from golf for a couple of weeks, due to "repeated incidents of misconduct on the golf course." But, here's what is annoying: because golf doesn't announce fines or suspensions no one knows if he's actually suspended, was just advised to take a couple weeks off or if he was planning not to play anyway. Also, no one knows what these 'incidents' were really about. Has golf learned nothing from the Tiger Woods scandal? They should just come out and tell us what the deal is, because when left to our own devices the Internet will come up with something way worse than the truth. Even though it was most likely nothing more than yelling at a fellow player, by the end of this weekend Sabbatini will have assaulted a group of orphans who volunteered at a tournament to raise money for a dying nun.

-The Kentucky Derby is going to be run later this afternoon and tonight there is a big boxing match between Shane Mosley and Manny Pacquiao. A major horse race and fight happening on the same day? It's like every sportswriter from the 1940s dream!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Rolling Through The Middle

The wonderful thing about growing older is that you finally gain the ability to put the proper perspective on things. At a certain point you have enough life experience to realise how trivial some actions are in the grand scheme of things and stop treating every situation with equal importance. Not everything is a national tragedy. For example, if you lose your new hat at age 8 it's a big deal because it's pretty much your most valuable possession. By 15 you know you can buy another hat and at 31 you're too worried that excessive hat wearing may cause baldness to even walk into a Lids. Over time you just figure out what really matters and what really doesn't.

All that being said, there are some actions other people do which I am never going to stop being pissed off by. (If you've read this blog for more than a month you already know that.) Chief among them are people who cut in line. I can't stand people who think that they are somehow more important than the rest of us or that their time is more valuable. This is especially annoying on the road. I firmly believe the people who stay in a lane that we can all see will be closed in a quarter mile just so they can get ahead of those one or two extra cars are the cause of most traffic jams because they end up making everyone slow down more than they should. If they merged over when they first saw the "Lane Closed" sign like the rest of us we could continue on at a good pace, but instead we have to slow down to let them in. Subsequently, I think they should have their licenses suspended.

But, today I saw the worst traffic-cutting offender of all. While waiting at a stoplight I saw a motorcycle rider in my sideview mirror coming up between the two lanes of stopped cars. He slowly rolled forward while everyone else was waiting for the light to turn green, until he found himself in front of the first car. Basically, he just skipped over everyone else and was suddenly the first person in line. As dick moves go, this one was pretty high on the list. Now, I enjoy "Gangland" and "Sons of Anarchy" as much as the next guy, so I understand that the big appeal riding a motorcycle is the 'outlaw' feeling that comes with it. As such, a lot of motorcycle riders feel that rules don't apply to them.

However, this was no patched-up Hells Angel on a Harley trying to show "The Man" that his rules didn't matter. This was just a fat guy on a Honda who felt he was too good to be fifth in line. I feel like he was going to be an asshole on the road even if he drove a car. Even worse, everyone just let him get away with it. No one opened their doors, said something or even honked at him. We all just accepted it. (And yes, I'm including myself in this traffic-wide chickening out.) All I can hope is that the next time this guy tries this move the first car in line is a cruiser. Hopefully then he'll learn that just because you can fit between the cars it doesn't mean you are somehow better than them.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Sticking To Their (Price) Guns

I am admittedly bad at math and not an economics major. However, I do understand the basic principles of both retail and supply and demand. You advertise cheap prices of the in-demand products to get people in the door (prices which are still way above where they should be) and then once they are in the store you aim people towards the stuff they aren't interested in buying but which you have lowered the price of so much the consumer reaches a point that the deal is too good to pass up and they buy something they don't even really want. It's almost too easy.

Now, I don't think I am blowing anyone's mind when I say that both book stores and record stores are having a tough time these days. Both industries have become almost exclusively online-sales and therefore a lot of stores, especially the non-chain stores, have been forced to close. That is why I am always surprised when I go into either a book store or a record store (you know, when I can still find them) and look at the price of CDs and books. These things have remained constant for as long as I can remember. When facing the reality that there are people out there who are willing to find similar products for less money, every other retailer in the world will at least try and adjust their prices to the market. Not books or CDs sellers.

A new-release hardcover book is going to run you $24 dollars in the store, a number which continues to blow my mind. Do the people who set prices know the Internet exists and offers most of these books at nearly half the price? Even with the stupidly skewered cost of shipping it will still usually work out that the online price is better. Plus if all else fails and you're willing to wait a while for it to come in, you can go to the library (which I hope isn't a new concept) and get the same book for free. Yet books show no signs of going down in price. The same applies to CDs. When I was growing up a CD would cost you roughly $17. Do you know how much a CD costs today? $17. Everything else has gone up in price since I got out of high school, but not CDs.

That leads me to conclude that, much like cars, these people are clearing so much money on each sale that they don't need to sell a lot. I have a hard time believing it costs more to make a CD now than it did in the late 90s, so if they can get just one person to feel nostalgic enough to buy a physical copy of a CD instead of the digital copy through iTunes they have covered their profit margin for the month. (It also leads me to conclude that I way over-paid for CDs when I was in high school.) Either that or these guys are idiots and are all going to be out of business within the next 5 years. At least if that happens you'll finally see some low prices for hardcover books.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Highway Mystery

While I don't have one, I can understand the appeal of vanity plates. It is your chance to tell the world, "Hey, I like to make a statement in everything I do. No random set of letters and numbers for me - I have a something that I feel very strongly about." Also, I appreciate the decisiveness that is inherent in the people who have custom license plates. They picked the one thing they want everyone to know and it's not written on a piece of paper they stuck in the window: this was stamped into steel. Plus, it's not like they put this message out there on a whim: they had to sit down and makes sure their message fit in 7 letters or fewer and if it didn't they had to figure out a way to abbreviate that message, then check with the DMV to makes sure it was available. They had plenty of chances to change their mind and they didn't. And much like a tattoo, it doesn't matter if anyone else knows what it means, they know what it means. I admire that. This is exactly why I can't stand a car which has been bathed in bumper stickers, all with different causes - pick one message and go with it, hippy.

However that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate the occasional backstory. For example, today I was behind an SUV with the vanity plate "POOL". At first I assumed it was because the person was driving a car leased to a company that either installed pools or pool tables. But, a minute later I pulled alongside the vehicle and there was nothing on the door to indicate that was the case. No phone number or decals to be seen. Apparently, this guy just wanted his license plate to read "POOL". [Sidebar: who even thought that would have even been available? I would have just assumed it would have been grabbed up by some company years ago.] Well, now I'm just dying to know what is the deal with this guy and pools. Does he swim a lot? Does he play a lot of pool? I mean, c'mon, there are so many ways this could go.

I know I said it only matters that the driver knows the message behind that plate, but that's when it's just a series of letters. I've never been good at the Daily Jumble and going down the highway at 65 mph is not the time to try and improve my skill. The guy could be a hundred miles away before it clicks. Therefore, I'm not worried about what "FJUTSTY" means because there is no way I'm even coming close to figuring that out. (...And neither will you, because it is not a real example. I just hit seven letters at random. Don't stare at that for hours hoping it will suddenly mean something.) But I know "POOL" can only refer to a couple of things and now I want to know which one this guy meant. I would almost prefer the person was a terrible speller, because then I would never have started down this path. Instead I'm left wondering if this guy is an Olympic swimmer or a hustler. Seriously, one small bumper sticker on the window with a swim team logo would have killed you?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

More TV I Shouldn't Be Watching

As I have stated in this space before, there are many reasons that I don't want to be a cop: it doesn't pay particularly well, no one is ever happy to see you and you occasionally get shot at. However, the main reason I wouldn't want to be a cop is that I hate dealing with drunk people and it appears to be 90% of the job description. Drunk people suck. They are too loud, too opinionated (while also never wrong in their opinions), too violent and too oblivious to the fact that everyone around them hates them. Recently I have found myself continually pausing on two shows while in a quest for entertainment that have driven this point home: "Jail" and "Campus Cops". "Jail" is a behind-the-scenes look at the people in charge of drunk tanks and shows just how far one person can fall. "Campus Cops" is basically the same as the regular TV show "Cops" only it focuses on Campus Police.

Now, I admit when I was in college I couldn't stand Campus Police. That was because they only showed up to break up parties, making them the closest thing around to parents and college is all about finding out how much of an adult you can be when your parents are not around. (The answer for most of the people I went to school with was resoundingly "not well".) However, as I have gotten older I have found a new respect for Campus Police because their job is not easy. If you think dealing with everyday, regular drunks is annoying you should see what these poor people have to deal with on the average college campus: drunk 19 year-olds who have one semester of college under their belt so they think they know everything, while in reality don't know anything.

The first episode I saw the police showed up to break up a party. The people who rented the house met the cops at the door and said they couldn't come in without a warrant. (They were, not surprisingly, pre-law students.) The cops said that was fine, but they got a noise complaint and the kids needed to break the party up. The kids then demanded to know who called and complained, getting a little chesty with the campus police. The police told them it didn't matter who called, the party had to disperse, but, since Campus Police was already there they were going to check everyone's IDs and if anyone was underage the people who rented the house were going to be in trouble and have to appear before the school's judicial board. As the blood drained from the previously-cocky party-throwers' faces they began to worry about just how much trouble were they in and what if people refused to leave? Could the nice officers help them to get people out? (That one was actually kind of satisfying to watch.)

The second episode showed an officer responding to the scene of a drunk driving accident, in which a hammered kid drove his car into a fence. Fortunately no one was hurt (the drunks never get hurt), but as the officers tried to ask the kid questions to see if he needed to go to the hospital he just kept telling them he "pleads the fifth." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the scenario people had in mind when they drew that one up. Then, as the cop was reading the kid his rights, the officer stumbled over a few words. Trying to be funny, the drunk kid asked the cop if he had been drinking. If the cop had whacked him in the face with his clipboard I don't think a single viewer would have called in to complain.

In the end I find these shows are like car wrecks - I hate that I even glance at them and yet I can't help myself. Much like every kid that gets into trouble onto these shows, I will deflect my own guilt onto someone else - I can only say that if people created better TV shows I wouldn't have to watch these ones.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Ending On A High Note

Even though I had just returned from a wonderful First Communion party, yesterday evening was on a decidedly downward trend. First I watched the Celtics get blown out. (Quick analysis: Rondo and Garnett have to dominate their match-ups and they didn't do that. But, if you're going to lose a game, Game 1 of a 7-game series when you are on the road is the one you can most afford to lose. Not flipping out... yet.) Then I powered up my computer to discover that, despite not even being turned on for about 24 hours, it had picked up a particularly nasty computer virus. It was the kind which poses as virus-scanning software, says it can eliminate all your viruses for a small fee and only seems to get worse the more you try and get rid of it. After three hours it had gotten to the point I couldn't even get online because it would just high jack all my other systems. After fighting with my computer until almost ten o'clock and feeling incredibly frustrated, I went downstairs to download virus-killing software onto a memory stick via my laptop. It was at this point I learned Osama Bin Laden was killed. Suddenly my computer virus didn't seem like such a big deal.

Now look, I know in the grand scheme of the world this actually doesn't change anything. Gas is still $4 a gallon and unemployment remains near double-digits. Plus, it's not like all the other terrorists are going to pack up and go home: crazy people don't stop being crazy when a leadership void is created - they just start following a different crazy person. I understand this doesn't even make us all that much safer, a point Fox News was more than happy to keep hammering home. [Sidebar: you know Fox News, even though it happened under someone else's watch you are allowed to be happy that Bin Laden is dead. I know you've spent the last 2 years telling anyone who will listen that Obama is a socialist Muslim bent on destroying the US from the inside and you've got to be getting frustrated because since that hasn't happened yet you're starting to seem like raving liars, but good news is still good news. If this happened when Bush II was in office you would have spent the night debating whether to put his face on the $5 or the $10. Really, is there anything Obama can do to make you lighten up?] So, no, it doesn't change much, but at least it makes some people feel better.

My only complain with the entire night was when Obama came out of his prep room and down the hall: he was way too formal. Dude, strut a little. Hell, you earned it. He could have even thrown a little spin in when he got to the podium and no one would have said shit. If there was ever a day to use up some executive privileges, this was it. Then again, this is the same man who gave the order on Friday, went down to Alabama that afternoon to meet with victims of the storms, flew back to D.C. Saturday morning and sat through the entire correspondent's dinner listening to jokes about Osama still being able to evade capture and didn't even crack a "Just wait a day, assholes" smirk the entire event. Remind me never to play poker with that man.

After being glued to the TV for a couple hours I came upstairs to watch more coverage in bed, having completely forgotten about my computer virus. However, I remembered when I saw my computer screen and the message window on it. Only this time, it was the actual virus scanning software I have installed on my computer, not a virus posing as it. And the message was letting me know that I had a virus, but if I would like this taken care of, they could easily remove it. (Again, would have been nice if McAfee could have erased it before the virus rendered my computer as useful as a paper weight for several hours, but I'm not going to nitpick.) So, my Sunday went through a bit of a lull towards the end there, but I guess all's well that ends well.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

One Last Wedding Item...

I'm sure we've all had just about enough wedding talk for one week, but I did want to add one thing I heard about afterwards and that was the fact that Prince Williams' ex-girlfriend was in attendence. Not only was she there, but wearing a very bitchy "Look at me, dammit! This should be me!" bright red outfit and hat. (Honestly, British women, what the hell is the deal with you and the hats? You make the Kentucky Derby women look restrained.) Look, inviting exs to your wedding is never a good idea, I don't care who you are. So, between that and the fact that I used Billy Idol last week, rendering "White Wedding" out of play under the rules of the musical interlude which I made up this morning, we're going with some Radiohead.