Commercial Break-Down

Well, we have once again come a post where I have to pick apart a commercial I have seen too many times and now can spot all the problems with it, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style. This particular commercial is for Liberty Mutual Insurance. Now, the good people at Liberty Mutual shouldn't blame themselves for this. Hell, they shouldn't even blame me. They should blame the time-out system in college basketball. Honestly, why do college basketball coaches need something like 10 time-outs per half? You know what, if you can't give your players instructions with 1 minute to go (which would be about 3 possessions) and hope that they know what to do should the situation change, then you are just an awful coach who needs to work harder in practice. I know all coaches are control freaks, but needing to call a time-out after every possession in the last 1:30 of the game is ridiculous. You have no idea how large the wave of relief is that washes over me when I realize the losing team is out of time-outs, because it means the game might actually end in the next half an hour. I'm as big a sports fan as there is, so when even I want your game to be over you know it is taking too long.

Either way, because of how long the last 2 minutes of college basketball games take and how many commercial breaks are involved I have seen this particular ad, called "Doing the Right Thing" (apparently we name commercials now) approximately 4,000 in the last week. Before we go any further, you can view it for yourself.

:01. First off, why is a blind woman going on a train? I feel like this simple question should not be ignored.

:03 God, who makes out at a train station? More importantly, who does it 5 feet away from their baggage? Get a room or stop leaving unattended bags. Focus, people!

:04 Ok, if I saw someone grabbing for my luggage I am very likely to punch first and ask questions later. I know the old man was just trying to help, but apparently he never learned the lesson to keep your hands off other people's property. Also, the only time I did something similar for a blind person, he yelled at me. Ever since I have assumed no blind person ever wants assistance.

:12 Yeah, great that you helped that guy up, but how about you make your teammate, who just nearly broke a guy's ankle with a low tackle during a casual rec league soccer game, do that and say he's sorry while he is at it? It's the only way he's going to learn to cool off, because this isn't the Premier League. (You just know he's a frustrated college athlete who is pissed he ended up selling insurance.) Maybe a ass kicking is just what he needs.

:20 Seriously, that sucks for that guy, but if his papers were so damned important, why not put them in what appears to be a perfectly acceptable and working briefcase? I kind of believe that is the point of them. Also, if those were really important legal documents, I'm pretty sure you're just going to have to make new copies anyway. Nothing says 'professional' like a patent with a tire track on it.

:28 I will only accept this as an act of kindness provided that you are not letting her slide with extra items in a "10 Items Or Less" express lane. Her cart looks pretty empty, so I think she makes it. Good thing, too, because I highly doubt that guy was letting her go first if she had 50 items to ring up. And I feel like he's really doing the favor to the cashier by getting that crying baby out of her lane faster.

:35 This is undoubtedly the weakest pay-it-forward I have ever seen. The guy was already running and the raft blew into his path. You know what? I don't think that one should count.

:40 Woah, lady, you are going way above and beyond what is necessary given the act of kindness you witnessed. I hate raking with every fabric of my being, so personally I would need something more akin to rescuing a busload of nuns before I raked a yard which was not my own.

:49 How lazy are the people in this office? I know it sucks to clean up a spill that you didn't cause, but how much effort does it actually take to get off your butt and wipe up some coffee? How about showing a little pride in your work space? Sitting there watching a spill makes you lazier than normal. I certainly don't want you handling my insurance claim.

:51 Again, not giving this woman a ton of credit for holding the door because I don't feel like she wanted to. I think the other guy just pushed his way in and she was left playing doorman for the next group, which is why three or four other people get through right after.

:54 So, it's the blind lady from the start of the commercial. Hold on, so now we're entering into some kind of time-warp morality vortex? That's a little heavy for insurance, isn't it?

Another Issue For Parents

I admit, I had stopped paying attention to the Super Bowl halftime show by the time rapper MIA flipped off the camera during her song. I thought the performance leading up to it had been terrible and I didn't need to see anymore, so I missed this apparently offensive moment. Still, I immediately caught wind of people talking about it on various social media platforms, so I  knew that it was going to cause some people to complain, because every thing on this planet has at least one person willing to complain about it. Then today Deadspin (via ESPN) released a sample of the letters the FCC received following the incident. As you would expect it is the usual calm and well-thought out reasoning from the kind of people who know not to blow a small issue out of proportion... I'm kidding of course. The letters are the spelling and grammar-challenged ravings of people who have nothing better to do than complain to the FCC because they have such inflated egos that they think anyone gives a crap about what they have to say and, even worse, they believe they represent 95% of the population. I can only hope that this time around the government is smart enough to realize that these people don't speak for anyone but themselves and doesn't over-react by enforcing several new and unnecessary restrictions on TV programming.

I've always wondered who the people who get angry enough to write complaint letters to the government actual are and today I got a glimpse. These letters came from all over the country, but with a common theme: "I'm pissed-off. Also, I don't know how to spell or turn off my Caps Lock button." I'll save you the time of going through them yourselves and simply let you know that they are mostly made up of the normal complaints about how the Super Bowl is supposed to be for families, but the night was ruined by this woman and her finger. This small act is just another sign that this country is going down the tubes and if this injustice is allowed to stand we as a nation will have lost our moral compass. I never would have thought a simple finger could carry this much weight, but it just goes to show you what I know. Surprisingly I didn't see any letters telling the world that this was somehow President Obama's fault, but there were a couple stating that Madonna's halftime show was nothing more than a pagan celebration of the Illuminati (nope, not even kidding). Still, even as I swam through that ocean full of crazy, there was one letter which caught my eye above all the rest:

"I am writing to complain about the Audi automotive ad that aired during the Super Bowl. The ad featured vampires being vaporized by the car's headlights. My four year old daughter was very frightened by this ad. She is only beginning to understand the concept of death and cannot easily differentiate between fantasy and reality when real actors (i.e. non-cartoons) are involved. I had to deflect several questions about the commercial, many of which were centered on "where the people went."

Wait. So, the middle finger didn't bother them, but the vampires dying did? It just seems like such a bizarre complaint from what appears (at least based on spelling and grammar) to be a fairly sane person. According to the report, the majority of the letters came in through the web and I think that is both the best and worst part of the internet age. On the one hand people can easily send in their complaint while they are still angry, which means their letter is much more likely to actually get sent (angry letters never seem quite as good of an idea once you have cooled off) and thus companies will know they have done something wrong and then hopefully improve customer service. On the other hand, by having a complaint box at your fingertips people don't have any filter. I think we've all been with someone who is angry enough to write a complaint letter. But what usually happens is someone asks them if they are sure that is a good idea and worth getting this worked up about it. Usually upon reflection the answer is no. I have no doubt this person was pissed and exasperated because their kid was screaming up a storm when all they wanted to do was watch the Super Bowl. I'm simply saying a five minute cooling off period would have been a good idea because not every bad experience is worth a complaint letter. I'm just left to wonder if at any point while composing this letter the writer stopped for a moment, took a step back and said to themselves, "Wait, I'm writing a letter to the government about vampires in a car commercial." I have a feeling they didn't.

As most of you know, I don't have any kids. But even without first-hand experience, I have no doubt there are a lot of difficult questions that parents worry about their kids asking and dread the day when they finally come up. I guess I just never imagined 'What happens to vampires when they die?' would be in the Top-10. And not that I would ever tell someone else how to raise their kid, but maybe if you spent a little more time thinking and a little less time composing pissed off emails which are only going to be ignored, you would have come up with a quick lie to tell your kid because 4 year-olds don't actually have to be told the truth about vampires and death. (I'm also wondering why this little girl has any concept of death, but that is another question for another post.) I would imagine that just telling her the people went home because they can teleport would have been much easier. Instead some 4 year-old now knows what a vampire is, thinks they are real and is aware people can die. I'm sure that little girl was loads of fun on the swings the next morning. I hope you are happy, "Twilight" fans - this is all your fault.

A Combo Interlude

I have to admit, I had a hard time picking which theme to go with for this week's interlude. After all, we had a couple of big events in the last couple of days. First there was March Madness which started on Thursday and then yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. While I never do anything special for St. Patrick's Day other than fly the Irish flag in front of the house and wear a little more green than normal, I do enjoy the music so I thought about putting up another playlist of Irish tunes. But, there are also so many songs with "dance" in the title I haven't yet gotten to which would have worked really well off the "big dance" nickname for the NCAA tournament. As you can imagine, it was a tough decision. That is why I did the thing I always try to do in these situations and find a song which kind of splits the difference - which in this case would be an Irish group singing about dancing. It's the best of both worlds.

Weekly Sporties

-Every single year the first two days of the NCAA Tournament remind me of a very simple fact: the people who watch basketball for a living are stealing money from their employers. Seriously, these are the supposed experts in their fields and yet they never have any more of an idea how things are going to play out than someone who doesn't watch a single game all year. I know they all have the built-in excuse of sports being unpredictable and that is what makes it so great, but the simple fact of the matter is that if you or I were as bad at our jobs as these people, we would have been fired years ago. I'm not annoyed because none of them predicted that a 15-seed would beat a 2-seed - that is an extremely rare occurrence and no one would expect it to happen, let alone twice. But, the thing is I didn't even hear any of them bring it up as a possibility. I mean, some of these "experts" had picked Missouri to win it all and the Tigers made it exactly as far as teams like Loyola and St. Bonaventure. If your expected champion can't even make it to the round of 32 you have no credibility in my book. Just be happy that the people in charge of hiring on-air talent are apparently as clueless as you are about picking games.

-It was a super-busy week in the NBA because the trading deadline was on Thursday. As a result, it was basically decision time for a lot of franchises concerning their season. Because the worst thing you can be in the NBA is mediocre, they had to decide whether to try and make a move which would get them to the next level or start selling off assets, bottom out and make sure they can come back stronger in the near future. One the of teams which was selling was the Portland Trailblazers, who traded away several good players without getting much back in return. However, they still had to release a couple guys to make room for their new players and one of the players let go was Greg Oden. Now, Oden is widely seen as a bust since he was the first pick in the 2007 NBA draft and has only played 82 games since then. But, there is a sympathy factor because Oden seems like a really nice kid whose body just betrayed him. Unlike Ryan Leaf, who thought he was too good for practice, Oden can't seem to catch a break. Now, Oden says he plans to keep trying to play, but he just had his third micro-fracture surgery and most guys don't come back from one of those. I have to be honest, Oden never seemed like he loved basketball, it was just something he had to do because he was 7 feet tall. I think this could be his 'get out of jail free' card. He's made some money, so here's hoping he invests well and find something which makes him happy.

-Another one of the guys who found himself on a new team at the trading deadline was former Lakers' captain Derek Fisher, who was sent to the Houston Rockets. This pleased me, because Derek Fisher was my least favorite Laker. Some of you may be confused and asking yourself why I would be annoyed by a man most people never even think about. Well, allow me to explain: as a Celtics fan it is no secret that I do not like the Lakers. But, much like with the Yankees, I have come to begrudgingly respect them and I no longer really hate every superstar who puts on the uniform. Instead the guys who annoy me more and more are the ones who don't actually have much talent, but hitch themselves to the superstar on the team, then ride his coattails to fame and fortune and at some point on this journey they begin to think that they are a superstar. I always got the vibe that Fisher thought he was a lot better than he was, which bugged me greatly because we actually have proof to the contrary. He spent three seasons between Golden State and Utah and accomplished a grand total of nothing. In a league where one great player should at least get you to the playoffs, Derek Fisher's teams went one time and he was a back-up. He is not as good as everyone keeps telling me he is. Allow me to put it another way: Derek Fisher was the Jorge Posada of basketball. He stuck around because he was Kobe's friend and not because of how good he is.

-Some NBA teams think they can spark their team not by making a trade, but by switching coaches. That is what the New York Knicks tried when they fired Mike D'Antoni on Wednesday. (Technically they claim D'Antoni resigned, but the organization has said they will stay pay him the rest of his salary - you don't usually get to keep receiving paychecks when you quit.) Reportedly, D'Antoni was mad because he wanted to trade forward Carmelo Anthony to the Nets for point guard Deron Williams and the rest of the organization didn't see the point. Considering the Knicks have both Jeremy Lin and Baron Davis, I have to side with them. You know, for a minute there I was starting to get concerned that the Knicks might be getting their act together. But when you are willing to let a shoot-first forward like Carmelo Anthony whose team actually played better when he was out of the line-up dictate the direction of your franchise, it is a pretty safe bet you are going to continue to circle the drain. The Knicks and their fans think they will be able to lure Phil Jackson out of retirement to take over next year. Frankly, if I'm Jackson I have to wonder if coaching this mess is worth it.

-The one big domino everyone expected to fall on the trade deadline was Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard. But, Howard surprised everyone by waiving the opt-out clause of his contract, meaning he will remain with the Magic through not only this year, but next year as well. (While that sounds like the end of it, all it really means is that he pushed the 'pause' button on the situation, because unless he signs an extension over the summer we're going to be right back in this spot next summer.) But the new wrinkle which came out early in the week was a report stating that the Magic told Howard if he remained with the club they would give him the power to decide the fates of coach Stan Van Gundy and GM Otis Smith. Remember how in the past I've written that they best way to be a first-class franchise is to act like you already are? Yeah, that is not the action of a first-class franchise. I'm not saying NBA teams haven't let NBA players fire coaches before - the Lakers have let both Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant have this kind of power. But those guys are NBA champions multiple times over. It is entirely another thing to let a guy like Howard, who has never won anything more than the Eastern Conference in a down year, make this kind of call. All I'm saying is not all stars are created equally and if you let a low-level star run your team you are destined to always be a low-level franchise. I know the Magic were originally owned by Disney, but this brings the phrase "Mickey Mouse Franchise" to a whole other place.

-Moving to the NFL: on Monday it was revealed that both the Redskins and the Cowboys were going to suffer salary cap penalties. Apparently during the 2010 uncapped year both teams used some creative math when negotiating their contracts and front-loaded most of the deals they made. Basically, they paid the majority of the contracts in the first year, uncapped year which meant the totals would be decreased later, giving them more room to work with when the cap went back into place. If you think that just sounds like smart math, that's probably because it is, which is why just about every team did the same thing. But I guess the NFL thinks these two teams went a little too far, especially the Redskins, whose payroll would have been about $60 million over the cap had it been in place. As a result they are losing $18 million of cap space for the next two years and the Cowboys are losing $5 million. This is especially crippling to the Redskins who just traded a bunch of draft picks and planned to built through free agency. Now, I don't like either team, but to me this is complete bullshit. After all, the NFL approved these deals at the time. Not to mention it is total crap to go back and retroactively punish teams for rules that were not in place at the time, but are now. That would be like getting sent a ticket for talking on your cellphone while driving your car back in 2005 before the laws were on the books. I know the NFL is the most popular sport in the country, but that doesn't make it all-powerful. If the league isn't careful people are going to start to sour on them, no matter how enjoyable the games are.

-Even though they weren't going to get him anyway, the loss of that cap space officially eliminated the Redskins from the Peyton Manning sweepstakes, which rolls on. Allegedly Manning has narrowed his choices down to the Broncos, Titans and 49ers. We know this because we know all about his visits to each location thanks to local news crews following his car with their helicopters. This comes on the heels of a blimp-cam following Tiger Woods' every move as he made his way to his car and then drove out of the parking lot after he withdrew from a tournament on Sunday due to an injury. Frankly, all this following athletes around with cameras attached to flying machines makes me wonder if we're using this technology in the best ways possible. It used to be that we reserved this kind of attention to visits from the Pope, high-speed chases and victory parades. Now we use it whenever a high-profile person gets into a car. I guess I shouldn't get too worried until the day when I go to get into my car to make a trip to the store and there is a news helicopter hovering over my house. If that happens we will officially be wasting everyone's time.

Shake It Off

There are only about 6 things in the world about which I have firmly dug in my heels and refuse to budge. One of those issues is that I can not / will not participate in any Black Friday shenanigans. I do not like lines, I do not like crowds and I value sleep more than making sure I save $100 on a  new TV, so you can probably see why getting up at 3 AM, then waiting in line for the right to fight a crowd holds little appeal in my life. Also, that policy doesn't just apply to the morning after Thanksgiving - I do not wait in line for many things. Some lines are unavoidable in life and I stand in them when I must, but I will not volunteer to be in one unless there is no other alternative. Therefore, I will never be one of the people who camps out to see a movie or buy an iPad, nor will I be rioting because it is the first day the new Air Jordans are on sale (like they would even have a size 14 in stock anyway).

However, I am willing to acknowledge there are people out there who do not share my reservations. They think nothing of using a week's worth of vacation time to sleep on a sidewalk for the right to spend $900 on a piece of technology which will be obsolete by Christmas. At least with those people I can understand the fascination - it's new and shiny, so being able to say you got the first one on your block goes back to one of mankind's core desires: being able to look at your neighbor and know they are jealous of your stuff. But now people are starting to flip out and create an artificial fuss over much less important things and I think it is time we start to rein in this trend. This week I saw websites devoted to a product of limited release it and just confirmed to me that, as a society, we may have finally bottomed out. I'm talking about the people obsessed with McDonald's Shamrock Shakes.

At first I could kind of see the fascination. I mean, the quickest way to drive up demand is to tell people that something won't be around for long and the Shamrock Shakes are only around for a couple weeks leading up to St. Patrick's Day. McDonald's then took it another step by not having the shakes available at every location, knowing that most simple of marketing tools - scarcity is the mother of desire. (This is old hat for McDonald's who also pulls the, "You'd better buy it now because it won't be around for long and then we may never bring it back" card with another foodstuff I don't get the fascination with in the McRib.) Not to mention, as a man who wears a scary amount of green clothes, I can totally understand why people want more green in their lives. Honestly, who doesn't want to drink something green, just to see what it tastes like? (Spoiler alert: usually it is lime.) So, yes, I have had a Shamrock Shake in my life. Let's just say I found the entire experience under-whelming.

First off, when I had my shake it was a couple of years ago it - well before they started to make it abundantly clear that the shake was mint-flavored. Therefore without having had one I assumed it was nothing more than a normal vanilla shake with some food coloring thrown in for color. I happen to enjoy vanilla shakes. Things which are milt flavored? Not as much. I'm sure you are all familiar with the concept of trying some food or drink and coming into contact with a flavor for which you were not prepared. Now imagine that flavor was mint, that after discovering this flavor you weren't prepared for and did not want you still have an entire large cup of it to drink and you can begin to understand my level of disappointment. Let's just say I was not among those people updating the Shamrock Shake Tracker website, which tells people where the shakes are available.

Some people may think that I don't get the fascination with these Shamrock Shakes because I don't like them. No, I don't get the fascination with them because they are mint-flavored milkshakes. You could make one in your kitchen almost any day of the year if you wanted to. But suddenly McDonald's tell you they will only be around for a limited time and that is worthy of an internet countdown clock to when they will next be released? (At least this fact makes the iPad obsession a little more tolerable, because it's not like you can make one of those in your basement.) It just concerns me because if we freak out when things like Shamrock Shakes are only available on a limited basis, what is going to happen if we start running out of things we actually need? Hopefully, if in the future people start rioting because we've run out of medicine McDonald's will step up and make the McRib available earlier than normal. Not only will it distract us, but after eating one of those things I don't think people can stay awake, let alone riot.

Put A Stamp On It

Yup, it's a video mail-in post. Hey, the first day of March Madness brings offices across the world to a screeching halt and kills almost all production for that day, so why should my blog be any different? Plus, I figured this video is at least timely, though not overly funny. But what really makes it noteworthy is that it has all the earmarks of an ESPN short: pretty cute idea that never seemed to have been fully developed, lots of people you recognize but who are not so famous they wouldn't be available, one main joke which is driven into the ground and it ends rather unsatisfactorily. This all adds up to another piece of evidence for my theory that the people who write for "SportsCenter" are really failed comedy writers who never were good enough to get an audition to write for "Saturday Night Live".

The Tournament Challenge Challenged from Stan Verrett

Party-Pooper

Last Friday comedian Louis CK abruptly pulled out from his hosting duties at the Radio & Television Correspondents' Dinner this coming June. There are conflicting reports as to why CK is no longer the host - one says he simply no longer wanted the job while another says there was a push to have him replaced. Reportedly, the one leading that charge to get him out was Fox News' Greta Van Susteren. Apparently, Van Susteren thinks CK is too vulgar and specifically objected to how he talks about women in his act and a couple of Tweets he made about Sarah Palin. Now, if you've ever read this blog before it won't take a lot of guesses about whose side I'm in this one - I happen to think CK is the best comedian walking the planet and find him hilarious specifically because he is so vulgar. Meanwhile I don't watch any 24-hour cable channels because I can't stand the fear-mongering and the batteries in my remote control work, so I barely know who Van Susteren even is. All I know is if someone presented me with option of having Louie CK at my party, but told me that as a result Greta Van Susteren wasn't coming, it is a pretty safe bet that Greta would be free that night.

Now, I have very little doubt that CK was asked to host because he is so controversial. Which means I also have very little doubt that Louie probably dodged a bullet in this one - controversial picks don't usually work at the Correspondents' Dinner. The people at these dinners want light poking at one another, not a comedian who is bringing out the heavy artillery, which is the only thing CK knows how to work with. While there is nothing as great as a room full of people laughing at once, there is also nothing worse than one person telling jokes to a room full of people who aren't laughing and award shows and dinners are the perfect storm for that kind of thing to happen. Everyone is already trying to appear too cool for the room and act like they aren't internally geeking out over the celebrities who were invited, which is not a good environment for comedy. And here you've got the political aspect, which means both sides of the aisle will be represented at this thing and half the room already isn't going to be laughing at every single joke because they just got made fun of. On top of that these are politicians and no politician wants to be seen laughing at the really vulgar stuff because it could offend any number of voters. The whole thing is a perfect recipe for polite applause and uncomfortable silence. When you add it all up there was a high chance it would not go well, which is what makes the story that Louie pulled out on his own entirely possible.

While that might be the case, I'm still annoyed that they announced CK's departure so soon after Van Susteren's complaint, because it makes it appears as though the organizers of this event caved under outside pressure. And as much as I hate it when the people in charge of events like this pick controversial comedians and then act surprised when a couple of people don't agree with their choice, I really don't like that they let one or two negative voices influence their decisions after the fact. If you made a choice you should be ready and willing to defend it, otherwise make a different choice from the start. (Although, we are talking about an event in Washington, D.C., so I don't know why I was expecting anyone with a backbone to be involved.) Still, I feel like Van Susteren is the real annoying one in this scenario. Now, I'm not even going to get into the political side of this fight, other than to say I find Van Susteren's position rather ironic considering she works for an organization which spent last week defending Rush Limbaugh. Instead I take my biggest issue with what she did for a very simple reason - she didn't offer to host in his place or even come up with a suitable replacement. I hate people who do that kind of stuff.

There is nothing worse than the people who shoot down ideas without offering alternative ones of their own. We have all worked with someone like this at one time or another and they never fail to drive me crazy. Does Greta have any idea what goes in to putting together a Correspondents' Dinner? Of course she doesn't, because she's never organized one before. I can only assume it would be like planning a wedding and the Oscars rolled into one. Her comments mean the organizers have to go back and take care of an issue they thought was done by now. Well, if Van Susteren wants to have a say in who the host is going to be she had better be prepared to start chiming in on seating arrangements, centerpieces and seat covers. Either you are all in or all out - you don't get to cherry-pick the issues which matter to you, offer nothing but negative comments and then leave other people in charge of cleaning up the mess you just made. Because I have news for Ms. Van Susteren - if she thinks she carries enough weight that her not coming to the dinner would even be noticed, she has another thing coming. (Hell, people might appreciate having a party without so much complaining going on.) The way I see it, unless a suitable host can be found soon Van Susteren better start coming up with some new material.