Similar But Different

I always have to laugh whenever I hear the fill-in newscaster begin a broadcast by telling us their name and then informing us that the regular person is off that night. I find this funny for two reason 1) we could already tell you weren't the same person just by looking at you and 2) most of us don't care. Because of the volatile nature of broadcasting where contracts can be voided based on one bad ratings period, news organizations have to turn over their staff as much as the next company. Therefore getting attached to one broadcaster isn't worth the investment because they could be on another network by next week. I know there is something comforting about hearing the news from the same voice for many years, but the days of Walter Cronkite being the most trusted man in America are long gone. These day most of these broadcasters are nothing more than newsreaders - they aren't doing the actual reporting or offering their opinions, just telling us whatever awful thing happened that day in a non-regional dialect. With that in mind it really shouldn't have mattered that Jon Stewart was taking a 3-month sabbatical from "The Daily Show" to direct a movie. After all, that is a fake news program, so the person delivering the fake news should matter even less. However, after this week I learned it matters a lot more than I expected it to.

Let me make something abundantly clear before I go any further - I really like fill-in host John Oliver. I always find his 'fish-out-of-water' look at America really funny and his British sense of humor great. Also, I thoroughly enjoy his stand-up show, where he put a lot of new faces on TV. Really, of all the people at "The Daily Show" who could have been tapped to fill in for a few weeks he was probably the best choice. (I fully expect him to use this opportunity to get his own show somewhere down the line.) That being said, I really hope he doesn't spend the next few weeks trying to be Jon Stewart. The first few shows, where Oliver was clearly nervous, were filled with too many fist pumps and other idiosyncrasies Stewart has made his signature over the last decade of doing the show. A couple weeks ago I was talking about how the worst thing an assistant coach hired from a successful staff could do was try and act like their former boss and instead they should just do things their own way. Well, it goes double for comedians. Everyone can tell when a comedian isn't doing their own material because it just doesn't sound authentic and the whole act suffers. I understand Oliver may feel like more of a placeholder than a replacement, but that doesn't mean he has to do the show as one giant Jon Stewart impression.

I always sort of wondered just how much of the writing for "The Daily Show" was done by John Stewart versus how much was being done by writers and Stewart was just the perfect mouthpiece for their opinions. Well, after the first week I think it is pretty obvious the staff is writing things with Jon Stewart's voice in their heads, then tailoring all the jokes for his delivery and not the other way around. The goods news for everyone involved is that this was just the first four shows and they have plenty of time to grow into their new roles. Even though Oliver has plenty of experience on TV it is one thing to be a correspondent, but hosting the show is entirely different. I am very confident he will get the hang of it shortly. I'm sure if you went back and looked at the first show Jon Stewart did they wouldn't resemble the current format at all. I'm not saying they need to change everything about "The Daily Show" as if Stewart is never coming back, but someone needs to remind everyone involved at the show that for the next three months it isn't "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and adjust the writing accordingly. They probably feel like they have to return the show to Stewart in the condition they got it, but if they keep doing things the same way it may not be the same show when he gets back, at least not in the ratings.

I guess this just shows that for all my talk about how insignificant the late-night talk shows have become, it may be the one remaining entertainment program where who the host is actually matters. I mean, there has to be a reason the first episode of "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" got the highest ratings of his entire run. People want to see what the new guy is all about and if they don't like him they will ignore the show until it gets cancelled. Meanwhile, people may complain about guys like Ryan Seacrest on "American Idol" but he's such a small part of the proceedings he can be easily ignored no matter how grating you may find him. Plus, if Seacrest wanted to leave after this year the show would just keep on trucking (how many judges has "American Idol" gone through at this point?), but unless you're talking about "The Tonight Show" when a late-night host leaves a talk show they just take the entire production down with them. Hell, fear of the new guy in and doing their job better is probably why guys like Letterman show reruns rather than have guest hosts when they take vacations. No one wants to be Drew Bledsoe - stepping aside for a break and coming back to find your office cleaned out. Well, if this first week is any indication, Stewart should have no problem getting the chair back when his directing itch has been scratched.

Throw Me The Keys

Even though I consider myself a fairly well-rounded individual who knows enough about the world to understand most aspects of it, I admit there are certain industries I simply can not fathom. It is not that I don't understand the job, but the need for it is a mystery. One such example is the life of a daredevil. I mean, who exactly decided we needed this to be another human being's job? Look, I understand that back in the day people were very impressed by the idea of someone attempting a stunt they themselves would never want to try. However, that time has now passed and professional daredevils are now working with more safety equipment than your average fire department, so the idiots posting to YouTube are more daring than the professionals could ever hope to be. That is why I no longer think they are necessary and yet every week I see an ad for a new television show where someone is attempting a very dangerous stunt which no one asked them to do and will in no way benefit society. The fact this remains a very profitable way to make a living is really confusing if you ever stop and give it some serious thought. But, I recently had another run in with another industry which is much more common but just as vexing to me - the rental car industry.

To try and make everyone's life easier when I was on my recent trip to Ohio I rented a car. (It doesn't matter which company I rented from because they are all the same. As if to prove this point I rented through Hotwire which showed me the rates for the size car I wanted and it was only after I picked one did they tell me which company I would be renting from.) In this day and age no one even bats an eyelash when you tell them you are renting a car, but that is because I feel like sometimes we forget to see the forest for the trees. If you take a step back and think of how odd the idea of constantly letting a group of total strangers borrow your vehicle is you might find it as strange as I do. I don't even like letting certain people I know drive my truck (perhaps because of how well I know them) and yet here is a company which is going to let a total stranger borrow their vehicle for days at a time and as long as you buy the insurance (which you don't have to do because your own driver's insurance should cover it) and return the car in good shape they don't even ask what you were doing with it. I could have been moving tubs of maple syrup (big in that part of Ohio) or tanks of eels (not as popular) and once I brought the car back with a full tank of gas it would have been all good with them.

I was always raised to take care of my vehicles because they are very expensive investments. That is probably why I found it so jarring that at no point did anyone at the rental office ask how my driving record was. (I often say that I am the only person in Massachusetts who knows how to drive, but they certainly don't know that.) Not that they would care because half the time people are renting a car because their last one is being repaired after an accident. In most situations being unable to take care of your own possessions means people and companies are unlikely to trust you with theirs (there is a reason most financial information stays on your record for 7 years), but how great or bad a driver you are does not impact your ability to rent a car. As long as you have the free space on your credit card for them to put a large hold they are willing to put you behind the wheel. Heck, you can even walk up and down the aisle and pick out the car you want like you are P. Diddy deciding which car in his fleet he feels like taking out that morning. It makes you feel like a bad-ass, you just would think someone at the rental office would want to make sure you had earned that feeling.

Of course, it is not like the car rental companies assume all the risk here because they certainly aren't renting you the cream of the automobile crop. These are clearly the cars they would not mind if they lost because they could then charge you a ton of money and make you buy them a new one. Sometimes I bet they hope you total it. Even worse, I have noticed they have a very annoying habit of roping you in by telling you the best case scenario of car you would get and then subtly add the sentence "Or similar vehicle." This week I was supposed to get a Ford Escape and I ended up driving a Nissan Rogue. Other than a poorly-designed blind spot it wouldn't have been too bad, only this was not a particularly healthy-sounding Rogue. Every time I pushed down on the accelerator I was greeted by a very unhappy pause and the same sound I hear when my nephew pushes his truck along the floor just a little too fast for the wheels. I assume this kind of hard-driving is why most car rental companies turn their inventory over every couple of years and try to sell them to unsuspecting customers. On the surface it looks like a pretty sweet deal to get a 3 year-old car with 30,000 for $20,000 but you just need to remember how tough those miles probably were. That is when it pays to remember that you aren't just paying for the right to take the rental car, you are also paying for the right to give it back.

Cleveland Rocks!

Yesterday I mentioned I just spent a few days in Ohio. Well, since I am a person who loves music and I don't know when I will be back in that neck of the woods, I made a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. It was a really great experience and I took a ton of pictures. I won't bore you with all of them, but here are some of the highlights.

The first thing you notice is the building is shaped like a pyramid. I'm not sure why that is the case, but as I started at the bottom and worked my way up I got increasingly excited at the thought the top room was going to be very small and pointed and perhaps where the museum kept its greatest artifact. Turned out neither of those thing happened, as the top floors are actually behind the point of the pyramid. Also, they were filled with Rollings Stones memorabilia and as a Beatles guy I was less than impressed.

Before you even get inside you are greeted by the famous hot rod from the ZZ Top videos. Sadly, the hot girls from that same video were no where to be found.

The exhibits go one of two ways - first they go by time and then they go by city. That is probably why we start in the early days of rock and roll with Johnny Cash's guitar. Now, as much as I love the Man in Black I always thought of him more as country or blues, so I am not totally sure he belongs in this Hall of Fame, especially when you remember country music has its own Hall of fame in Nashville. It's little like Christian Laettner getting into the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield just because he was on the Dream Team - the college basketball Hall of Fame in Kansas City is probably recognition enough.

As you would expect, there was a lot of Elvis memorabilia. They had everything from Elvis' honorary police badges to the receipt for the gate to Graceland. Honestly, I am little worried Elvis may have been a hoarder and it makes me think of just how crazy the Graceland museum must be if that were true. However, they had nothing from Fat Elvis, only skinny Elvis. I feel like this only tells half the story.

Here we have one of Stevie Wonder's old jackets. Alright, I'll be the one who says it - God, you must be blind if you think that looks good.

At first you may think this is one of the mu-mus Stevie currently wears but it is actually a dress from Mama Cass of the Mamas and the Papas. No sign of the alleged sandwich which was her downfall. (And if you think I'm being morbid, another display contained wreckage recovered when Otis Redding's plane crashed. Clearly the Hall will take anything they think is important.)

There was a whole section devoted to U2, but this was the only thing I cared about in there - the jacket Bono was wearing during the Super Bowl 36 halftime show (also known as the Patriots' first championship). Since I knew I wouldn't have time to get down to the Football Hall of Fame this was as close as I could get.

One section of the Hall featured mannequins wearing some of the more famous outfits donated to the museum. This is a Steven Tyler outfit. As you would expect, he is not a very big dude. And right now some grandmother in Boca Raton is wondering where she can find this in her size because she has a canasta tournament coming up this weekend.

One of the cooler artifacts the Hall had were many pieced of paper reportedly with the original lyrics to some of the most famous songs in history written on them. Here are the lyrics to "Purple Haze" and I decided to show you these because if this is Jimi's handwriting it shows he took a few tries to get the lyrics right. And this is where I had to call bullshit, because too many of the lyrics were cleanly written out. I simply have a hard time believing that many artists got the lyrics right the first time. I have re-written this paragraph twice while sitting here and yet I'm supposed to believe Brian Wilson nailed "God Only Knows" on the first try?

The Seattle section of the Hall was surprisingly full, because while I remember grunge and the influence on the music industry, you forget just how many bands came out of that small area of the country in one big wave. Still, I wonder how many of the bands which had items on display will never be inducted themselves. Here's is Kurt Cobain's guitar, probably the most important piece in the whole city exhibit.

Original Metallica bassist Cliff Burton's bass. As you would expect I took a ton of pictures of the Metallica memorabilia, but we'll just show you this one to keep things moving.

For some reason The Doors display was all about Jim Morrison, full of random things like his Cub Scout uniform and some award he won as a kid. These are his high school and college diplomas. Apparently he was the only interesting thing about the band.

This is Janis Joplin's Porsche. The fact this wasn't a Mercedes Benz shows someone in their marketing department seriously dropped the ball on that one.

As you would expect, the Hall had a lot of Beatles memorabilia. This is John Lennon's suit and guitar. As you can see by the reflection in the glass the other half of the room was full of Rolling Stones items. I stuck to the Beatles side of the room or, as I like to call it, the correct side.

At first the rumor was that there was no photography allowed anywhere in the Hall of Fame. Later I would learn it was just no flash photography, but even that was a pretty relaxed rule. In fact the only time I saw anyone get scolded was when a guy took a picture of Michael Jackson's famous sparkling glove. However, at that time three guys appeared to reprimand the photographer. Apparently, they have decided this is the most important thing they have.

So, one of the last exhibits you see is a hall of signatures of all the previous inductees. Between no flash photography and the fact the hallway is backlit it was hard to get a good picture. In fact, none of them came out very well. That is why I wasn't going to show you any of those pictures, expect for one small factor. The picture above is Guns N' Roses autographs. Is it just me, or are those way too many signatures? The original line-up was five members and yet somehow I count seven autographs. Does this mean the "Chinese Democracy"-era members are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite the fact that album nearly kept Guns out of the Hall? That would be like giving every extra in "Argo" an Oscar. Just being part of an already-great outfit doesn't automatically make you great as well.

Traveling Man

I just got back from spending a few days in Ohio. As you would imagine, flying back and forth allowed me to notice a few things so I thought I would share some of my thoughts on the experience here...

-What is it about public transportation which makes you feel the need to root against total strangers? I don't know why this is, but I feel like whenever I am at the airport I always find one couple to root against. Leaving Logan it was the couple who were bumped from their flight and were trying to make a new connection. Normally I would have paid them no mind, but as the guy kept rocking against the bench I was on and talking about all the money his co-workers make, I couldn't stop myself from hoping they would get bumped from their next flight as well. Then on the way back it was the guys who came off the plane just to ask if they could change seats to sit together, decided as the plane was taking off they didn't like their new seats and hopped across the aisle to the empty bench, then asked for a cup of nothing but ice and never touched it so that by the time we needed to land it was just a cup of water and since the stewardess wouldn't take they just put it on the empty seat next to them (because holding it would be such a chore). By the time the plane was approaching the runway I could only wish for a hard landing a soaked lap. I guess the only good thing is that there has to be one of these annoying passengers on every flight and if they didn't exist I would be the annoying passenger.

-I was very impressed by how everybody works at the airport pretends to care about everyone's problems. I think one of the biggest flaws exposed during my brief retail career was that I never saw any problem as particularly urgent. Sure, I would do my best to fix any problem I could but I never treated it as if the fate of the world hung on a resolution. Not the people behind the desk for AirTran. I'm sure they forget about you as soon as you step away from the desk, but at least while you are standing in front of them they make you feel like you are important, rather than someone who bought the cheapest flight available, as AirTran passengers usually are. One guy was trying to switch from a Southwest flight to an AirTran flight at the last minute. Unfortunately, even though they are now the same company the workers couldn't make the program accept the changes so the man missed the connection and I was legitimately convinced the woman behind the desk was about to attempt holding the plane until she made it work. (The businessman thanked the woman for her effort by criticizing the computer program, because we all know the people at the desk are the ones in charge of designing that kind of stuff.) Seriously, I don't know who does AirTran's customer service training, but they should really be hired by more companies.

-One of the last things I had to do before arriving at the airport was fill the tank on my rental car. (A Nissan Rogue. Good new, Hertz - I never once considered keeping it.) As I got out at the gas station I notice two shiny nickles on the ground. Not about to turn down free money I picked them up, filled my tank and continued to the airport. Everything was fine until I forgot the change was in my pocket and then tried to go through the metal detectors. The girl working security asked me if I had any metal on me and I told her no. She gave me the stinkiest of stink eyes and replied, "It certainly looks like you do." It was then that I caught a glimpse of my scan on the monitor and notice my right front pocket was glowing red. Apparently, for all the technological advances we have made in the last few years, we still haven't quite figured out how to teach metal detectors to distinguish a couple of loose coins from the components for a blasting cap. I quickly took the coins out of my pocket and tried to explain I had just found them on the ground which is why I had forgotten they were there, but by this point the woman was not listening and just wanding over my pocket to make sure that was everything. She let me go after that, which I was very grateful for, because I would have felt really stupid to miss my flight over 10 cents.

-When I fly I typically try to get the window seat because it allows me to curl up and get (relatively) out of everyone's way. Plus, it allows me to watch the Earth pass below me and I don't care how old I get, I still find that perspective fascinating. That is what made my flight back so disappointing - I was in the second-to-last row and when I opened the window to check out my view I was greeted with a lovely sight of the engine. I couldn't see around it at all and instead had to look out the window of the person in front of me to get a sliver of land. But I have to say the worst part of that seat was being able to hear the engine. It wasn't even the constant whirring noise which disturbed me, it was the few times it changed. I wouldn't classify myself as a nervous flyer, but even I would have to pause for those few seconds when the engine would suddenly sound different. I don't like it when my car makes a strange sound and in that situation I can pull over, so you can imagine why the last thing I would want at 35,000 feet is for an engine to start making noises. Seriously, do all airplane engines sound that unhealthy all the time? If they do the airline industry had really better work on better soundproofing for planes because if everyone could hear just how strained these engines sounds when they are working well it would scare a lot of people into driving to their destinations instead.

-But, overall my latest trip reminded me of just how routine the entire experience of flying has become and how disappointing I think that is. I understand that the initial wonder surrounding every new piece of technology eventually wears off, but when did flying stop being glamorous? If you look at old pictures of flights everyone was really excited and tried to look their best. Even the plane was sparkling. In contrast, the airplane I was on this weekend on had cracked arm rests, stained seats and haggard-looking employees. Hell, on one of my flights the seat still had crumbs when I got to it. It was more like a bus than an airplane, which bummed me out. I know the most important thing is just getting to your destination alive, but would it kill some of these airlines to try and act like flying is still kind of a cool idea? If they did I bet more passengers would fall back in line because it used to be you dressed up to fly. Now you show up half hung-over and wearing pajamas. You know, it feels like no one does anything but complain about air travel. Well, maybe if we all decided to put some more of an effort into the experience it would improve for everyone. It's hard to complain about something when everyone else appears to be having a good time because no one wants to be the turd in the punch bowl. Well, except for the one couple we all hope miss their connection. I don't care how classy we try and make the experience, those guys will always exist.

Bon Voyage

Like anyone who has had an email address for more than a week, I get a tremendous amount of spam mail. Because I get so much email that I didn't ask for which is trying to sell me things I would never want, whenever I see an spam ad which remotely applies to something I might enjoy it is actually quite shocking and I feel compelled to check it out. The other day for some reason I got an email offering me the chance to go on a basketball-themed cruise including the chance to hang out with basketball legends. As yet another cruise ship was towed back to the harbor with some kind of mechanical failure last week I would remind you that these companies couldn't pay me enough to go on a cruise, but I do love basketball and was curious to see which former superstars they managed to rope into this idea. I can only assume the entire cruise industry is getting quite desperate to find new customers after all the problems of the last year and had high hopes that the lineup would be impressive. It was not. Most of the names would only be recognizable to the most intense of basketball fans and even they would be hard-pressed to remember the last time they were in the NBA. Yes, there were a couple of Hall of Famers in the mix and a few recent stars who have had well-publicized money issues, but the majority of the players advertised hadn't played professionally since the 70s so I don't imagine they will be playing a lot of basketball. But after thinking it over I've actually decided that it wouldn't matter if the roster included this year's All-Star team, I wouldn't want to spend a week on a cruise with them.

First off, I don't really understand why people would want to go on a cruise when we've invented better modes of transportation. It is like taking a train when the tracks go right next to the highway. That lack of control also would drive me crazy. I'm a nervous traveler, constantly worried I will miss my flight. Well, if you are in a new place every day for a short amount of time it just feels like it would be a week of that feeling, constantly worried the boat will leave without you. And if all that weren't enough, I've always felt like the biggest problem with cruises is that you can't leave. Sure, you can get off for a few hours at the various ports, but then it is right back on the boat to spend another day trapped with the same people you saw yesterday. As we all know the surest way to make sure no one has a good time is to try and force them to do just that and I feel like these cruises are 7 days of the fun police breathing down your neck. On top of that the knowledge that you can leave would constantly be on my mind. Even if by some miracle I was having fun on the cruise the idea that I couldn't leave should the situation change would never be too far from my brain. And this concept is pretty much exclusive to cruises because if you aren't enjoying anything else about your vacation you can change it. I can't even take a cruise around Boston Harbor without wishing it was at least 45 minutes shorter. I love boats but only in short spurts, so no cruises for me.

The idea of being trapped on this boat with a bunch of former professional athletes would be extra hellish. They say you should never meet your heroes because you are bound to be disappointed with them. There is simply no way anyone can stay up on the pedestal you have built for them in your mind. Well, I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of professional athletes in my travels and I can tell you that no matter how low you set the bar it should probably still be a little lower. I'm not saying the athletes I have encountered weren't great people, just that they didn't have a ton of interesting things to say. The problem is that to become an amazing athlete you have to spend so much of your life getting good at sports that other crucial ares get neglected and as such many pro athletes don't develop very strong social skills. Even worse, they have spent most of their adult lives surrounded by people who have nothing to gain by correcting them, so they think the sings they say are actually funny or interesting. Most of them topped out at a maturity level of about 17 and in some ways it is a little sad. All they know is sports and once they can no longer do that many of them are forced to show just how bad their personalities really are. The Hall of Famer on the cruise is supposed to be Rick Barry, who for years was know as one of the least-popular players in the NBA due to his surly demeanor. Even his own kids have said how hard he is to get along with, so I really can't think of a worse idea than being trapped on a boat for a week with him (imagine if this cruise became disabled). I think we'd run out of things to talk about before the boat had left the dock.

Of course I imagine the only people who will sign up for this cruise will be die-hard basketball fans who not only know who these guys are but memorized their stats and have a bunch of things for them to sign. This scenario is also known as an athlete's worst nightmare, so I would bet they aren't looking forward to this cruise either and will probably spend much of their time hiding away in their cabins. Plus, the idea that being trapped on a boat with a former pro athlete for a week will somehow make you friends is both naive and a little bit stalker-ish. (I blame "The Love Boat" for putting this idea in people's minds.) The more likely scenario is walking away with a restraining order. So, what we end up with are two groups of people - former athletes who just want a paycheck and don't care if the people who paid to be on this cruise have a good time and basketball junkies who are going to severely disappointed that Antoine Walker isn't interested in coming to their kids dance recital next weekend - and they won't be able to get away from one another because they will be mile out to seas. Because I love awkward situations which don't involve me I'd love to parachute in and check on everyone's progress about four days into the cruise, but that is as close as I would ever want to get to that boat. So, even though for once a spam email actually offered me something other than generic sex drugs for cheap or free money from an African Prince once I loaned him the transfer fee of $3,000, they still didn't quite do a good enough job to rope me in.

Don't See That Everyday

Even though I've lived near the woods for most of my adult life and have seen random animals run through by backyard plenty of times I still get strangely excited when an animal shows up. I'm not even talking anything particularly exotic, either - I find the fact a regular deer is in my backyard fascinating and just the other day when I saw a hawk sitting on a branch in my yard I felt a sense of obligation to watch it until it flew away. That is why I totally understand the nervous excitement which set in last weekend when a black bear was wandering near the Mass Pike in Newton. It found its way up a tree and, fearing the bear would be a distraction to passing motorists or potentially fall and land on a car, police tried to apprehend it by hitting it with a couple of tranquilizer darts. Unfortunately that didn't work as the bear got groggy but nothing else. Sadly, police were then forced to kill the bear. Now in the last week the Newton police have taken some heat for that decision, mostly because two tranquilizer darts don't seem like much of an effort. They said it was all they had at the time (which is understandable because that should be enough to take down pretty much any animal you would normally find in that part of Massachusetts), but it is not like Newton is in the middle of nowhere. They could have just have easily called Watertown police (they clearly know how to handle a crisis) or Waltham cops to borrow their supply of tranquilizers because it is not like those guys need to hoard their tranquilizers to fight off their bear problem. In fact I would guess the reason the tranquilizers were so ineffective is that they had been sitting on the shelf for years and had passed their expiration date.

Anyway, it is because Newton Police were so quick to kill this animal that I couldn't help but wonder if they wanted it dead. I just find it a little funny because this thing happens all the time. I bet if you went back and looked at the success of wild animals in neighborhoods which are captured versus the ones which are just killed the number which are killed would be much higher. I remember a few years ago there was a moose which got loose on the south shore. This thing went on a wild adventure and was seen all over the state before it was finally captured weeks later. What happened next? The moose died as they were trying to transport it to a location to release it. You can't tell me the police didn't think it would just be easier to get rid of this animal which had been making them look bad for the better part of a month? Besides, animals have this very annoying habit to find their way back to places after you release them, no matter how far out take them first. Better to just kill it now rather than deal with it again in 4 months. Lastly, I would imagine there is a lot less paperwork when at the end of the day you simply turn the bear over to a local hunting group and let them deal with cutting it up. It is just too bad because who knows the next time a bear will find its way that far into the city. Now I am just left to wonder who is going to teach the children of Newton that only they can prevent forest fires?

[Sidebar: Can we just appreciate the blatant racism of this song? Seriously, I have more Native American blood in me than that guy. You could get away with almost anything in America in the 1950s.]

Weekly Sporties

-The biggest news of the week came when Major League Baseball announced it had broker a deal with former Biogenesis owner Anthony Bosch, who is now prepared to name the players to whom he sold steroids and among those expected to be on his client list are Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez. You may remember Biogenesis as the anti-aging clinic the Miami Herald claimed was a front for a steroid dealer once they got a hold of their client list and Major League Baseball demanded the Herald turn over their sources, which they did not. The entire saga eventually took on the feel of a witch hunt because MLB was so desperate to get their names on Biogenesis' client list they eventually agreed to pay a former Biogenesis employee to leak it to them. Well, in keeping with that witch hunt theme, MLB has told various reporters they intend to seek 100 game suspensions for any player they link to Biogenesis. Normally the ban for a first offense is 50 games and you don't get 100 game suspensions until a second offense, but MLB contends just talking to this guy and then lying about it (as all the named players have done so far) should count as two strikes. I may not like the guy, and A-Rod may have admitted to taking a banned substance in the past, but it was before MLB had strict drug testing and he hasn't failed a test since. Additionally, Braun was cleared in his first failed test and you can argue that it was over a technicality, but innocent is innocent. Obviously I want sports to be drug-free, but I have to say I really find it disingenuous that MLB is getting all high and mighty about steroids now after years of reaping the benefits of homeruns resulting in pack stadiums. Their false sense of urgency seemed shady then and their willingness to believe the steroid dealer (because those guys always turn out to be such upstanding and reputable fellows) seems even shadier now. (The least-surprising news in the days following this announcement was that Bosch had first gone to A-Rod seeking money to cover his legal fees and it was only after he refused that Bosch reached his agreement with MLB.) I simply think Major League Baseball needs to be careful with this one and remember that it is really hard to claim the moral high ground when you associate with people who are down in the dirt.

-Despite their best efforts to get people to pay attention, Major League Baseball just can’t seem to get people to pay much attention to their amateur draft. (It’s good for the league’s GMs because people forget their mistakes, but it is really bad for the sports TV station.) I feel like the main problem is that there are just too many players and too many rounds, plus it does not help that half of the players drafted will choose to either attend college or play in the minors for years before getting called up (and that is if they even make the majors at all) for people to get excited about which person their team picks. That is why at this point the only time you hear about a draft pick is if it is bad and/or embarrassing. Well, it was the second option for pitcher Ian Clarkin, a left-handed high school prospect who was the 33rd pick in the first round of the New York Yankees. Immediately after he was drafted, the MLB network rolled a video of Clarkin from a previous interview in which he said he cannot stand the Yankees and the day they lost in the World Series against Arizona was his favorite baseball memory. This meant he had to spend the first few minutes of his introductory press conference apologizing to the team and its fans, while trying to tell everyone his words were taken out of context (at least he’s already a pro at making clichéd athlete excuses). I guess you could chalk it up as a good learning experience for the kid, as long as he recognizes that the lesson is once you start to get serious about playing professional sports your day as a casual fan of the game are over. You have no control over where you start your career and teams don’t care whether you grew up rooting for the other guy as long as they think you can help them win now, so the most likely scenario is that you will play for a team you rooted against at least once. The good news for Clarkin is that even though he is a high-rated pitching prospect, he could still choose to honor his commitment to San Diego State and get drafted again in three years. If I were him I would seriously think about doing that instead, because the fans and media in New York are not the type to forget this kind of thing and will be very quick to bring it up with every bad outing. Skipping a few years and re-entering the draft could be worth any lost money. Then again, that may be the most important lesson in all of professional sports – money buys a lot of loyalty.

-A couple days after their season ended rumors started flying that Denver Nuggets' coach George Karl could soon be out of a job. I thought this talk was crazy because Karl has been with the Nuggets for 9 years, seemed to have a good relationship with the owner and has been a perennial contender even as the team traded away its best players. By any reasonable standards he has been a great coach for the Nuggets, so you can imagine my surprise on Thursday when the rumors turned out to be true and the Nuggets fired him with one year remaining on his deal. Both sides are trying claim it was their idea, with Karl saying he wanted out once the team allowed General Manager Masa Ujiri to leave and take the same job with the Toronto Raptors. The Nuggets are saying they thought the team had gone as far as Karl could take them and needed a new voice to take them to the next level. But, the truth of the matter is that this was about the same issue it always is – money. Karl is looking for work right now because he wanted a raise, the Nuggets were in no hurry to give him one and the two sides got into a staring contest where no one blinked. While I normally hate it when coaches try to get a new contract despite their current deal having time remaining on it, this time I have to say I think I am with Karl on this one. I know George has never won a title, but his teams are always better than experts expect them to be and he gets more out of his rosters than almost any other person would be able to. I mean, if Denver thinks they got better with this move they are sorely mistaken. On top of that if they think they will be able to bring in a better coach they could be in for a rude awakening. Denver may be a great city, but they are not exactly a free agent destination for basketball players and the top-end coaches know they got their reputations to that point by having the best players. The Nuggets are going to have to bottom out and get some high draft picks if they want to improve and no high-level coach is going to be looking to ruin his resume with a couple of losing seasons. They may have to try and find and up-and-coming assistant coach to take the lumps for a few years. I know Denver is mostly Broncos country, but making the playoffs and potentially making a run certainly sounds like it would be the more profitable plan. Having no coach or GM certainly doesn't seem like a step in the right direction.

-I know a lot of basketball fans were annoyed when Bulls' guard Derrick Rose decided against trying to come back from a knee injury this season even though he had been cleared by the team doctors. Rose simply didn't want to come back until he was 100% confident in his knee and if he was looking for support from the basketball community I can only hope he called Grant Hill, who retired on Saturday night. Hill will go down as one of the league's best players from the late-90s and may eventually make it to the Hall of Fame, but more importantly he will go down as the poster child of why you should never rush back from an injury. For the first six years of his career Grant Hill was as good a player as the NBA had but hurt his ankle early in the 2000 NBA playoffs. Despite impending free agency, Grant decided to play on his bum ankle and even got his team to the second round before he simply couldn't play through the pain anymore. His ankle never fully recovered after that and several surgeries followed. Even when he was finally on the court (which was rare) he spent the next several years a shell of himself, never able to get back to the promise he showed before his injuries. He had a mini-revival once he got into the hands of the Phoenix Suns' training staff (I don't know what they put in the water in Phoenix, but they get more out of oft-injured players than any other organization) before being a role player with the Clippers last season. In some ways, the fact he was able to stretch his career this far is an achievement because I don't think many NBA fans thought he would make it to double-digit seasons in his career. Still, he will go down as one of the greatest 'what-if' debates of my generation because his career was on a really impressive arc and then stopped so suddenly. It is one of the few times in sports everyone wished an athlete had been a little more selfish. That is why unless Derrick Rose (or any player from this current crop) wants to be included in that discussion they should shut out the noise and remember it is their career and no one else's.

-As the NBA Finals are finally underway the rest of the NBA teams not involved in the Championship have to figure out a way to get fans excited about next season to get them to buy season tickets. Usually that means making outrageous claims about how they plan to improve the team while offering as few specifics as possible so they can’t later be accused to coming up short of those goals. Well, the Atlanta Hawks may have gotten a little too specific because in their letter to season ticket holders they referenced the names of free agents Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. Technically those two players are under contract with their respective teams until July 1st and by mentioning they planned to make a real effort to bring them to Atlanta the Hawks could be seen as tampering. Tampering is usually one of those things every team does but no one talks about, but this was too public for the NBA to ignore. Atlanta could get fined for this or even have a draft pick taken away, which is extra dumb when you consider they aren't going to get Howard or Paul. Yes, Atlanta has a ton of money to spend in free agency and could offer both players plenty of money. On top of that Howard has ties to the area because he is originally from Atlanta, so the Hawks believe if they could just convince one to come the other would follow. The problem is that neither is coming, ever. The simple fact is that Atlanta is not a great sports town despite being a fairly large media market and even when they are winning the Hawks are never the number one draw. I know that may not be a deciding factor to a lot of players but when you are trying to get free agents to come to your town and reverse the very culture of your team, every sales pitch would help. On top of that they can't even claim to have no income tax like Texas or Florida, but offer just as much heat and humidity. Atlanta is aiming high, which is fine, but you shouldn't risk real-world penalties when you do so. Free agency is often like a dating game and teams like the Hawks need to remember just like when you are on a first date, some things should only be said inside your head.

-I like to give baseball players a lot of grief for missing games with excuses like hangnails and sunburns, but the truth is most of them are tremendous athletes. You simply can't reach that level without having an unbelievable skill set combined with natural talent and that is why I am never surprised when they start playing other positions and do it quite well. (After all, it is not like they are putting me out there.) With that in mind the story that Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander has a habit of hitting impressive batting practice homeruns was totally expected. What was not was the news that Verlander enjoys hitting so much he wants to be in this year's homerun derby at the All-Star Game. Personally, I love this idea. I haven't watch the homerun derby in years because I find the entire event boring and think it has passed its usefulness just like the NBA's dunk contest. Seeing a pitcher out there swinging would be just the kind of anomaly that would cause casual baseball fans such as me to turn in for at least a few minutes, which is more than I am currently planning to watch it. However, while I'm fine with it, I can also totally understand why the Tigers would not be. Verlander is the reigning Cy Young winner and if the Tigers are going to get back to the World Series they will need Verlander to do so. I mean, the extra muscle people try to put behind every swing in the homerun derby has been known to mess up power hitters for the rest of the season, so who knows what it would do to a pitcher? The last thing the Tigers want is him pulling a random muscle or something even more serious messing around in an exhibition regarding a skill he doesn't even practice outside of interleague play. They are in the business of winning games, not entertaining people who only see Detroit once or twice a year. Still, Kevin Love being in the 3-point contest gave a boost to that usually boring event and given the low ratings of last year’s All-Star Game, it probably wouldn't hurt baseball to open this contest up to other position players. They've tried everything else, so what is the harm? It is not like anything they tried would make me watch less.

-Monday was the last day of sectional qualifying for the US Open, also known as "Golf's Longest Day." The chance for any golfer in the world who has a low enough registered handicap to play his way into a major, some say these sectional tournaments can be more pressure than the Open itself and they always produce a couple of dramatic stories. However, this year the biggest story out of the sectionals was that two-time US Open champion Lee Janzen was disqualified from his attempt to make it back into the Open because he wore metal spikes at a course which does not allow them. For those of you who may not be golfers, metal spikes used to be standard equipment but can cause a lot more damage to the greens than the soft plastic spikes which are more in-favor today (not to mention what they can do to the clubhouse). While there is no hard and fast Tour-wide rule regarding metal spikes, individual courses have the right to ban them at the owner's discretion. The course Janzen was at does not allow metal spikes and it said so in the local rules letter which was mailed to every competitor. Unfortunately for Lee he didn't read it. I am just curious as to which marshall was the one who noticed and who got to deliver the unfortunate news. This just goes to show you that no matter how many times you may have gone through a tournament or other competition it always pays to check and see if something has changed since last year. The good aspect for Janzen (I guess you could call it good) is that he was playing fairly poorly and it wouldn't have much mattered if he finished or not. I guess the bad news is that now everyone knows Lee Janzen still wears metal spikes. It just feels dated. I mean, it would be like a football player showing up with no mouth guard – if you want to do this for a living why not use the best equipment? I am sure Janzen has bought himself new clubs in the past few years so clearly he is willing and able to embrace technology, so why not all the way down to his feet? If nothing else it brings new meaning to the phrase, "It’s got to be the shoes."