I Could Do That

During my brief but award-winning college play-by-play career I tried a little bit of everything. I called baseball, football, softball, basketball, even lacrosse. But, I never was called upon to broadcast a soccer game. Mostly it was because that's what we made freshman do, but also since I never played soccer I figured I wouldn't know what I was talking about and it would come across on the radio. But yesterday I found myself watching soccer (go ahead and take a second to let that sink in, cause I was just as shocked as you are) and paid special attention to the job the announcers were doing. It was not exactly the hardest job in the world, because here's a pretty good summary of what the guy said:

"Anderson... Fletcher... Anderson... Park... Fletcher... Anderson.... Park... Out of Bounds."

And that was it. 45 minutes of just saying last names as players passed the ball around. That guy probably makes 6 figures a year. Maybe I should have tried calling a game somewhere along the line.

-While I'm not exactly happy about the way the Red Sox have sort of been stumbling to the finish line this season, I am pleased with the way that they backed into the Wild Card spot last night. By losing against the Blue Jays, but then having the Rangers lose to the Angels at about 1 AM on the East Coast, it prevented them from being able to go nuts and shower each other with beer and champagne. I find an over-the-top celebration for simply making the playoffs to be in poor taste, especially when you consider the team's payroll and the talent on the roster. If a team like the Rockies, who traded their best player during the offseason, have a low payroll and made a manager change early in the season make the playoffs, I can see why they would want to celebrate. But the Red Sox were supposed to make the playoffs and not just as the Wild Card. Save the celebrations for winning the World Series, or at least the ALCS.

-So, wait, is Jessica Biel single or not? Cause I'm still looking for a date to this wedding in a couple weeks and I think we would have a wonderful time.

Banned Books Week

As of last Sunday it's Banned Books Week here in the United States. This is where some libraries and book stores around the country take the opportunity to celebrate books that people have objections to by putting them out front for all to see on special displays. It's sort of a giant middle finger to people who are pushing an agenda of censorship. Personally, I love this idea and I can't believe this is the first time I'm hearing about this week. I have a large and serious problem with people who think they have the right to tell other people what is ok to read and what could be too risky for them or their children. Honestly, who the hell do these people think they are? Last time I checked this was a country where people were allowed to make their own damn decisions and just because your brain is too under-developed to know the difference between fiction and non-fiction that is not the rest of society's problem.

The people who want to ban certain books are the same lazy parents who would rather get TV shows or movies taken out of because God forbid they have to have a real conversation about a serious topic with their kids. They just want to be able to stay as their kid's 'friend' rather than their parent and, apparently, friends can't tell other friends 'no'. Sure, now other parents may have to have a tough conversation about why their kids can't find a Harry Potter book at the library, but better those guys have to do it. Also, the hypocrisy that is going on here drives me up a wall, because often times these are the same people who have a big problem with schools having books available that may not be in line with their values, but no problem whatsoever with pushing to have those books removed. I guess it's ok to only have access to one side of an issue as long as it's their side. I would actually be on board with them if they simply requested both sides be represented, but that's rarely how these fights go.

Thankfully, most of these crusades don't work. I'm very grateful to live in New England, which only had a few challenges (none in Vermont or New Hampshire) and in a couple cases people responded to books being removed by donating extra copies as a replacement. Basically it proves that all these people are doing is steeling the other side against them. So, not only are they annoying, but they're bad at strategy. Still, my biggest problem with these people is that most of them don't even read the books they want banned. Ask them to point out a section they find offensive and half of them don't know where to look. They were just told that a book is bad and believed it without reading the book for themselves. That makes them stupid and easily manipulated, which are two very scary things when combined. However, I guess this stuff doesn't remain much of a problem as long as the whack jobs don't get any real power... shit.

Bombs Away

I don't know what has gotten into the acorns around here (no, I'm not talking about the political group - I literally mean the ones that grow on trees). For some reason they seem to be much bigger than usual this fall. I guess we could blame the wet early summer, because we seem to want to trace all the problems in nature back to the rain we had in June and July. When they fall it sounds like rocks are bouncing off the ground. The ones that land in the back of my dad's truck are especially fun, because you get the echo and they are even louder. I read somewhere that large acorns in the fall mean that it's going to be a harsh winter, so consider this your warning. I guess as long as they avoid my truck (which I spent hours cleaning on Saturday) than they won't bother me too much.

-Remember how last week I said that it was really annoying to go into the Monday Night Football game knowing that you're going to lose your fantasy football match-up that week, it's only a matter of when and by how much? The complete opposite of that feeling is when you have the only guy going in the game and you're already up by 40 points. The match-up is already over, now I'm just going to run up the score. I feel like Urban Meyer.

-Going in to last night, I was pretty intrigued about how The Cleveland Show was going to be. I think Family Guy is brilliant and since it's from the same people I thought it would be pretty good (then again, I thought the same about American Dad). If it was somewhere in the space between American Dad and Family Guy I would have walked away satisfied. Unfortunately, it was not - to be honest, The Cleveland Show came up woefully short. Now, it was just one episode and they were trying to establish all the new characters so I'm not giving up on it yet, but there is the nagging feeling that Cleveland is not a strong enough character to build an entire show around. Plus, his voice get annoying after too many scenes. We may have found the cartoon version of Joey.

Announcers Are Annoying

-When did it become a rule that if an announcer is calling a game, he's suddenly not allowed to give his opinion on who he thinks is going to win? Up until the last couple of years it never seemed to be a problem, but now whenever a guy is calling a game he refuses to offer a guess as to who will win the game he's at. Are we to believe he doesn't have an opinion? I'm sure it's because in some studio executive's head the guy has been talking to coaches all week and so he might have "inside information" that gives him better insight into the game plan. Yeah, that's kind of the point. Would it aid a person who was wagering on a game? Sure. But it would also make it seem like the guy knew what he was talking about. It's ok, we all know that people gamble on sporting events.

-The other thing that annoyed me yesterday was when an announcer seemed to focus on one thing and hammer the point home repeatedly. As a result, the people in the studio seemed to latch on to that same point because they are trying to watch 4 games at once and assume the guy at the game has a good grasp on the action. Only if the guy is way off on his point, now the people in the studio look stupid by association. Here's why this is in my head - yesterday as the Notre Dame/Purdue ending was coming to a close, Notre Dame had the ball 3rd and goal from the 2 with no time-outs. The announcers were convinced that the Irish were going to spike the ball and waste a down despite having plenty of time left on the clock. Purdue called a time out to make sure the right personnel was on the field. The announcers started ripping the Purdue coach, saying he gave Notre Dame a free down. Only the Irish were lining up with tons of time left on the clock so you have no idea if they were actually planning to spike the ball or not. I then had to listen to 15 more minutes of them talking about a scenario that probably wasn't even going to happen.

-About that Notre Dame game: Charlie, I like some gambling on 4th down. I understand that being aggressive is part of your style. But, when it's 4th and 10, you're using the unproven back-up quarterback and you're close to mid-field, take the delay of game penalty to give yourself some more room and punt. You were up 10, play the field position game.

-Next time Penn State wants to plan a promotion where everyone wears white tee-shirts, perhaps they should check the weather report. Just a thought.

I Guess They're Not As Cool As Us

A couple of months ago my family had a large yard sale. Now, when we have a sale, you get some real quality for your money. We buy each other nice stuff, so a couple people were able to pay little money and still get some good stuff. Now, not being a veteran of the yard sale process, I foolishly assumed that everyone had good stuff at their family yard sale. Turns out, that is not the case at all. I rolled into a multi-family sale in Dedham today, fully expecting to find a couple specific treasures (more on that in a second). Instead, it was mostly just other people's crap. The 4 minutes that it took me to cruise through this thing was enough time for me to remember why I don't ever go to yard sales.

The other reason I never go to yard sales is because of the way that I shop, which is as if I'm on a scavenger hunt. There is no wandering aimlessly, even when I'm not looking for anything specific. If I don't see what I want, I'm gone, and that is not the way to go through a yard sale. Those things are complete crapshoots and you have to go in with no agenda and just be surprised if there is good stuff. (Of course, I know this now. Would have been nice to know a few hours ago.) A couple weeks ago I went golfing with my buddy Josh who was using brand new clubs in a new bag. Now, there is a commandment that says 'Thou Shalt Not Covet Your Neighbor's Wife.' That's fair, but there is nothing in there about his golf equipment. Because of that I'm in the market for a new bag, but at the same time I'm still not very good and so I'm not looking to spend a lot. That's why I thought a yard sale would be a place to get a good deal. And, again, going off my family's yard sale I assumed that there would be a plethora of golf equipment, cause my uncle supplied some and I thought a multi-family yard sale would mean an actual selection. Alas, it did not. So, I think this was my first and my last yard sale excursion.

-You know, there is a reason I don't sing anywhere but the shower. This is pretty much what I think would go down should I try karaoke again. What happened to the good old days when everyone was polite to your face, but then made snide comments once you were off stage? Apparently, this was the first time that this woman tried karaoke. I'm willing to go out on a limb and also say it will be her last. She must have been terrible. Also, my favorite part of the story is collection of women's mug shots, where the two women wearing purple look confused as to what the hell the camera is going to do.

Real Genius

So, Starz has been showing some older movies on their Starz Comedy Channel (personally, I think it beats the usual strategy of playing nothing but recently-released movies on a 4 hour loop). The past couple of days have featured some great mid '80s movies like Money Pit, Man With One Red Shoe and Spies Like Us. But, today they had a cult classic on - Real Genius. For those of you who have never seen it, it stars Val Kilmer and is about a group of genius college students who are tricked when the laser they think they are making for a final is really being made into a weapon (in classic mid-80's fashion, it's weapon that could vaporize a person from space. Hollywood loved its space weapons in the '80s). As I was watching the movie today I was thinking about what other films I could use to identify the rest of the cast from. They looked familiar, so they must have been in something more recent than a movie from 1985, right? Actually, nope.

Seriously, if you look at the cast on IMDB, it's pretty much a list of people who made this movie and went on to careers of being Guy #4 in Store. Outside of Kilmer the only person who I could place in another movie is the dickish professor, who made a career of being the dickish guy - either the dickish reporter in the first two Die Hard movies or the dickish city inspector in GhostBusters. When he's the second most recognizable person in your movie and even a guy like me (who watches a lot of movies), has no idea what his name is then you may have made some casting errors. Though, when you stop and think about it, the fact that 90% the cast seemed to have peaked as actors in this one film is a pretty impressive feat. It must have been one hell of a job by the director to get a good movie out of this crew... it's almost like when Herb Brooks was able to win an Olympic gold medal with a bunch of kids who went on to fairly unspectacular NHL careers.

Just know, there is no way this movie gets made today with a cast like this. If they did try to get no-name actors they would receive almost no pre-release publicity and be out of the theatres in a week. Instead, studio executives would insist that every person, no matter how small a role, be played by an actor that the audience would recognize. They would bring in someone like Jeremy Piven to be the dickish professor and have Ryan Reynolds do his best Val Kilmer impression (which, let's be honest, is all Van Wilder was anyway). They would follow that with Michael Cera as the geeky boy-genius and put thick glasses on the girl from Juno to play the smart girl who deep down every knows is actually pretty cute. Then sneak in a cameo by a comedian like Paul Rudd and you've got a scene for the trailer. And this movie, which would not be half as funny as the original Real Genius, would make $50 million opening weekend. Damn, I should move to Hollywood.

My Kung-Fu Is Strong

-Sorry for the late post time, but after yesterday's blog about the best board games of all-time, my day was spent online playing Connect Four and Battleship (as you may have guessed, I'm just killing time waiting for an offer to be officially mailed and I'm no good at waiting so this was as productive as I was going to be today). Turns out that I forgot something - I suck at Connect Four. I focus too much on my offense and don't play enough defense. The computer kicked my ass all day. But, the tides turned when I found the online version of Battleship. I went undefeated for the day, proving that my mother was right, I did not need the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier.

-I know Nets fans (those that are left, anyway) are excited that this Russian Billionaire looks like he is about to buy the team and start spending money like water. But, it doesn't change the fact that he still has to work around a salary cap and the team is going to Brooklyn. The team he needed to buy was the Pirates. He could spend as much as he wants in MLB and they could use a jolt - the attendance at this afternoon's game was 2,500. You get more people in Fenway to watch batting practice. They tried to blame the poor attendance on the fact that traffic in the city is screwed up due to the G20 summit being in town. I don't buy it. If this was a Steelers' game you can be damn sure people would have found a way there.

-Am I the only one who finds it distasteful that the Kardashian sister and Lamar Odom felt the need to register for gifts for their wedding? First off, I give it 6 months and so I think making people buy you a gift is unnecessary. Secondly, Lamar just signed a $33 million contract - buy your own damn toaster.

-So today is Arthur Guinness Day, celebrating the 250th anniversary of the founding the Guinness brewery. Fun fact - he signed a 9,000 year lease for the land. There is a man who had some faith that his company would last. Well, Arthur, it took me a while to come around to your beer but believe me, I've converted. While I still enjoy the occasional Miller Lite (especially following golf) and do not care for most dark brews, I'm a big fan of your work. So, raise a glass - to Arthur!

National Checkers Day

Apparently today is National Checkers Day, which means you should track down a board and play a game or two... or 3 in my case, because that's how many I needed until I beat the computer. I claim that the first game should not count on my permanent record, because I hadn't played in years and forgot that you have to jump if the opportunity presents itself. Personally, I don't know why checkers gets a day and yet Battleship, clearly a superior game, doesn't. In fact, I can think of 5 other games that should have their own day over checkers, and here they are:

1. Monopoly: I hate Monopoly. It's a stupid game and it takes forever to play. There is no such thing as a quick game of Monopoly. And at the end of the day the game is about paying taxes, which is not fun. But, still it's an iconic game. Hell, there is even talk of a movie based on the game (prediction: that movie will suck). I guess it's own day wouldn't be out of the question.


2. Hungry, Hungry Hippos: Even though it is really too easy to cheat (just put the slightest amount of weight on your side of the board and all the marbles roll towards you), it's still a great game. It's quick and easy to play, and you can play it no matter your age or skill level. Plus, it's about multi-colored hippos eating marbles. That alone makes it a game that should have it's own day.


3. Clue: Another game that is an icon - I mean, who hasn't made some variation on the premise of 'in the ballroom with the candlestick'? Besides, this game was already made into a very good movie, complete with three endings about who could have killed Mr. Body.


4. Connect Four: This games makes the list because the title is also the objective, making it have the smallest rulebook ever. If you don't think that's important, clearly you have never tried to play a board game with me.


5. Candyland: It has stood the test of time as an early game that everyone gets as a kid. I admit, I haven't played in years, but I think that just adds to the legend. If I couldn't tell you the last time I played and I think it belongs on this list, what does that say about the game's legacy?

So, while I was looking these up I found out that there is already a Play Scrabble Day (April 13th) and a National Chess Day (October 9th). There were also some tough omissions, like Mousetrap, Risk and Crossfire, because I don't know if enough people played them. Another strike against Mousetrap was that it took forever to set-up (God forbid someone hit the board with their arm or else you had to start over again) and was penalized. Plus, the stupid cage never fell properly. Still, at least it featured a man you had to catapult into a swimming pool, which is something checkers never could compete with.

That's Why Directions Are On The Bag

This year the lawn has been a real sense of pride. For the first time in years the lawn came in really healthy (I'm thinking the 800 lbs of grass seed played a factor) and looked good for most of the summer. We had a minor crab grass issue late, but still, I'll take what I can get. Anyway, as the season switches from summer to fall, it's time to begin putting down all the stuff that will ensure the lawn looks good next year as well. Today I was outside getting ready to put fertilizer down, fully convinced that I was going to be fine because there is a chance of rain tomorrow and I always thought that was how you are supposed to do it - put the fertilizer down and then either let it rain or water the lawn. But, as I was reading the label to find out what I should set the spreader to it turns out that you should water the lawn first, then put down fertilizer and hope it doesn't rain for 24 hours. Suddenly the mystery of why the lawn never survived the winter was cleared up.

This got me to thinking: what other activities have I been doing where I was convinced I was going about it the right way when it turns out I was way off? Of course, the problem is I can't answer that question because it won't be until after I find out that I've been doing things wrong that I'll know I was doing it wrong. Until then I'll just go on assuming I've got the order correct. It's quite the Catch 22 (also, if you followed what the hell I was trying to say there you deserve a cookie).

-You know, Fantasy Football isn't nearly as much fun when you know you're going to lose and it's only a matter of time before it becomes official. Going into last night's game I was up by only 5 points, had no one left to play from my team and the guy I was playing had Peyton Manning. If he threw for over 100 yards and a touchdown I lost. So what happens? 15 seconds into the game Manning throws an 80 yard touchdown to Dallas Clark. At least I didn't feel like I was missing anything when I switching away from the game to watch Big Bang Theory instead.

Trying to Warm Up

So I was down in Wareham this weekend, doing research for the book I'm writing (in other words, I was playing golf). Since I am not a beach goer, I think this is the best time of year to go down to the Cape. It's not too hot and the crowds have mostly stopped spending their weekends on the Cape so there are no crowds to contend with. I was able to roll into Little Harbor Country Club at noon on a Friday and play the back 9 with no waiting or getting lumped in with strangers. This weekend did not disappoint for weather, either - for the most part it was a gorgeous weekend with warm, sunny days Friday though Sunday. Everyday was mid 70s with a slight breeze and barely any clouds in the sky. It was the nights, however, where I ran into the issue.

On both nights the weather reports called for it to go down to record cold temperatures and the weathermen were right on. It was into the low 40's both Friday and Saturday nights. Now, normally cold wouldn't be an issue for me, because my internal thermometer runs hot, but the family cottage down in Wareham is strictly a summer place - meaning it has no insulation and even the comforters on the beds aren't that thick. I may be part polar bear but even I need some kind of cover. At night I tried extra blankets and closing the windows in the house but it was still really cold. The weirder part was that when it got cold outside it got colder in the house and then when it got warmer outside... it stayed colder in the house. You would think that the no insulation thing would work both ways and the cold air would escape just as easily as the hot air, but no. While cold is good during the summer, when the calendar hits fall it would be nice to have kept some of that heat inside. Sunday morning I put on a sweatshirt because it still felt chilly in the house and I expected outside to follow suit, only to step outside to mid 70s heat. It's no wonder I'm fighting a cold today.

-Another reason that I was pleased to stay the weekend down in Wareham is because we have HBO down there and I wanted to see this year's edition of Hard Knocks. For those of you who may not watch the show, it's basically a behind-the-scenes look at training camp with one NFL team. It's a fantastic show and I had a mini-marathon over the weekend. It features unprecedented access to see stuff that normally would be off limits. You get to see how coaches handle their team and the decision that go on behind closed doors about who gets cut. But, it also shows you why some teams have an easy time attracting free agents (like the Cowboys, who have been on the show twice), while others can't seem to get players to sign with their team (like the Bengals, the subject of this season). While last season you had the Cowboys pulling guys aside and the owner personally telling them why there were being cut, this year the Bengals would have their Director of Player Personnel wake guys out a dead sleep at 5:30 in the morning to hand them plane tickets. It's the little touches that won one franchise 5 Super Bowls while the other has none.

Video Mail-In

Just wondering, how could Temple lose on Rosh Hashanah? (Thank you, I'll be here all week...)

Anyway, I had a really lazy weekend and I'm not quite back into the swing of blogging just yet (I pre-wrote Friday and Saturdays posts on Thursday, so I'm way out of practice). Instead let's just make fun of obscure sports...

I Wish I Had Written This

The other day Yankee captain Derek Jeter broke the team record for most hits in a career. Now, I'm not going to rain on Mr. Jeter's parade, it was a very nice moment. Setting a team record is always a nice achievement and when that team has been around for over 100 years it's even better. However, around the sports media, people are taking that achievement to extremes. Some are calling it one of the greatest moment in baseball history. This is what drives me crazy about baseball. It's such a numbers-driven sport that people go nuts when records are broken. Also, because he did it for the Yankees it's being treated as if it was the all-time hits record, which it is not. Now, sure it's more impressive than setting the all-time hits record for a team like the Marlins that has been around for 20 years, but it's not that much more impressive than if a guy broke a record on the Cubs, who have also been around that long. It's not like the Yankees are the only team to have had great players. Anyway, I was all set to write a long post about how stupid comments like "Jeter's hit was an all-time top-10 baseball moment" are, when the guys at the now-defunct FireJoeMorgan.com (who closed the site to write for the show Parks & Recreation) came back to the Internet for one day and wrote it better than I could. Damn them.

-You ever see something that, for some reason, bothers you more than it really should? There is a commercial for Ikea that is on all the time and every time I see it, something irks me about it. The premise is that a man and wife come home from vacation, collapse onto their Ikea mattress and profess their devotion to it because the hotel mattress was so awful. On the whole a fine commercial. But, there is a detail that bothers me - the bed is completely stripped. No sheet, no comforter, no pillows - nothing. Who strips their bed before they go on vacation? I'm only down in Wareham for a couple days and I actually went the opposite way and made my bed before I left.

-This might be the cutest video of the week. Also, nice job by the father to just sort of let it slide. Too often we see the guys who run over their kids to get a foul ball and while this guy makes a nice catch he laughs off what happens next.

Hats

One of my least favorite things is hats from teams that are not anywhere near the team colors. Every team gets three colors that they can declare as their official uniform, that should be enough. You can't just start poaching from the rest of the color wheel. I know it's a style thing, first made famous when Spike Lee asked New Era to make him a red Yankees hat, but baseball hats on the whole should be exempt. I mean they go with everything already and I think supporting a team makes a bigger statement than any particular brand ever could. Basically, what I'm saying is there should not be orange Red Sox hats. I don't care if you love the Red Sox and also have lots of orange in your wardrobe - if that's the case then I'm sorry to say you're just pretty much out of luck at that point. Also, no green ones for St. Patrick's day - leave the green to the Celtics, thank you very much.

Besides, you should be careful what hat you wear when you go to other countries, cause sometimes they think it means you support the enemy. Who even knew green was a Palestinian color? I would be in deep trouble if I ever went to Israel, cause about 50% of my clothes have some kind of green in them. Airport security would love me, it seems. This reminds me of the early 90s when the network news started spreading the rumor that teenagers who wore the hats of specific out of town teams was their way of secretly showing a gang allegiance (my Detroit Lions hat, for example, was proof I was in a gang that didn't like winning football).

-So, a new study just came out telling us what we already know - no one believes the news anymore. Only 29% of Americans think the news they watch on a nightly basis is accurate when it comes to facts and only 18% think that news organizations deal with both sides of an issue. Personally, I'm shocked that 18% of Americans think that highly of the news. This is why I never watch any of the 24-hour news channels - it's too much time to kill to not throw some personal bias into the mix. Then again, this story was first reported by a news organization, so who knows how accurate it even is?

An Apology

This morning I was down at my aunt's, putting in baseboards and finishing up her flooring in time for the family gathering on Saturday (I'll be down at the beach, but I still like to know the work will be done). Anyway, as I was on the ground playing with baseboards, quarter-round and a chop saw, trying to get around pieces of moulding, it occurred to me that I need to issue an apology:

Dear Mr. Sanford (my 10^th grade geometry teacher),
You were right. Eventually, having a better understanding of angles does come in handy. Today as I sat there fighting with the quarter-round to make it meet at just the angle that I needed to get around the step I realised I should have paid more attention in class, instead of thinking about the best way to ask out Beth St. Martin. You called that one. However, I do still think your constant hammering home of the Pythagorean theorem was crap. In all the years that I have been out of high school not once has the knowledge that A² + B² = C² ever come in handy. But that's another topic for another day. In the mean time - my bad.

-You know it's not really football season until someone goes onto their fantasy football league's message board to leave a condescending note about the wide receiver who their opponent took in the 4th round and who now is going to be out for 4-6 weeks. Honestly, nothing brings a group together quite like the ability to make someone mad from across the country.

Stupid Fullscreen

As you guys probably know from reading this space before, I get really dismayed when I find what appears to be a good deal on something, only to learn the reason it's such a great deal is because it's the unpopular format. You know - you're shopping and find what appears to be a great jacket, only to discover that the reason it's on sale is because the zipper is messed up. That split second you think you've uncovered a bargain is thrilling and the second it gets taken away is a bummer. But, here's the example that most appears in my life: I'll be shifting through the giant bin of movies on sale at the local Best Buy or whichever chain store I'm in at that moment. I'll find a random movie that I would never usually be that excited to own, but for $3 I'm willing to spring for it. Maybe it has a really interesting director's commentary or perhaps some funny outtakes (even better is if it's actually a great movie that I just keep forgetting to pick up). But, then I flip the box over and see that its got the Fullscreen format. Damn. That would be why it's $3.

Fullscreen, for those of you who may not be tech-savvy is the format in which they take the screen shot that was used in movie theatres and they basically zoom in to one part of the shot. This gets rid of the dead space above and below the picture that happens when you show a widescreen format on a normal TV. Maybe this wouldn't bother you, but as a guy who took several film classes in college this drives me crazy, cause basically what happens is you lose some of the action in the movie. What you end up with is half a shot and you hear people's voices while they're off screen. It drives me crazy. Now, most days this isn't usually a problem because 90% of TVs sold are in the widescreen format. Which brings me to my point - whey even still make Fullscreen DVDs? They've adjusted the deadspace to appear less prominent, so who needs Fullscreen? All you're doing is robbing people of seeing the whole movie and annoying the bargain hunters like myself.

-Yesterday I updated my iTunes to the latest version, Version 9.0. Now basically it's just like that last 4 or 5 upgrades, except it features a new application that lets you share music on 5 different computers in the house. All of that is fine, except they didn't do the one thing I actually wanted them to do - give me back Party Shuffle. Let me explain: sometimes I don't want to hear certain songs cause I'm just not in the mood. In Party Shuffle when you clicked on songs further down the playlist you went to that song and skipped every song in between. In iTunes DJ, which is what they replaced Shuffle with, the songs you skip remain, they just move down a slot. It's really annoying cause they're still in the way unless you make a new playlist. I want to be able to just hit shuffle and go about my work. C'mon, iTunes, you have to help me out.

You Can't Fight Sesame Street

-The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team that has been existence since 2008. They were actually able to build a successful team rather quickly and made the playoffs this season. It was a big deal, at least as much as an expansion WNBA team can be a big deal. There was only one problem: the day the home playoff game was scheduled is also the day that the arena is booked for Sesame Street to be in town. Now, as you can imagine it would seem like a fairly simple thing to fix - just move Sesame Street as it is the more fluid situation. The only thing is that Sesame Street bends for no team and they have since decided to move the Atlanta Dream's playoff game to a different arena about 25 miles away. Elmo wins yet again. Moral of the story is don't cross the 'Street', cause you'll lose.

-You know what is weird to me? The fact that the entire region was so excited the Patriots were switching back to the old 'Pat Patriot' logo for last night's game. People were gushing about how great the uniforms looked and how nice it was to relive the team's history. And yes, the old-school uniforms looked great, but I don't get the nostalgia - it's not like we're flashing back through a great history. The Boston Patriots were a terribly run organization and a bad football team. Outside of the occasion shocking playoff run, the Patriots were a pretty bad team that didn't have much to show for their first 40 years of existence. If we wanted to flash back to the "golden years" then the team would just keep wearing the normal uniforms. I mean, look at the Top 50 Patriots of All-Time. Most of the team is from this decade and Rodney Harrison wasn't even here that long.

-You know, everyone remembers Patrick Swayze for Dirty Dancing, but he also put out some sweet action movies. Red Dawn, Point Break, The Outsiders and let's not forget the best of them all, Road House. So, in honor of Mr. Swayze let's just all remember that we should be nice... until it's time to not be nice.

Kanye West and the Sunday Ticket

Even back before I got to old for MTV (which was around age 24) I would never watch the award shows they would put on. I just thought there was something too self-serving about making this huge deal over an award that some TV executive made up one weekend in the Hamptons (this is also the reason I typically don't watch the ESPYs). Besides that, there are already too many award shows on the air today. Do we really need something to go along with the Grammys, People's Choice, Oscars, Golden Globes and Emmys? To make this a sports analogy (cause those are what I'm good at) the reason the Super Bowl does so well is because it's the only one, versus the countless college football bowl games that turn out to mean nothing in the long run. We should get together as a society and demand that they only have one awards ceremony per entertainment genre. Honestly, I think even the stars would thank us. Do you ever look into the crowds at these things? Most would much rather be home watching TV than getting dressed up for the chance to not win an award.

Anyways, it is because of my dislike of award shows that I wasn't watching MTV last night and missed Kanye West getting pissed off that Taylor Swift won a made-up award instead of Beyonce, jumping onstage and stealing the mike out of her hands. But, like the rest of America I've seen the clips online and read Kanye's statement, so I feel secure enough in my position to say I've finally figured out who Kanye West is: he's that girl who gets drunk every weekend, says horrible things to and about her friends, calls the next day to "apologize" saying that it doesn't really mean anything because she was drunk, but then does the whole thing over again the following Friday. He'll keep doing it until enough people stop enabling him. In college, we would just make up excuses not to go out with drunky and would very quietly make alternate plans with the threat that anyone who told drunky of our true intentions would be left out next time we made plans. With Kanye I think people just need to stop inviting him to award shows. Maybe if he's home alone for a couple weeks he'll catch on that people don't like the drunk girl.

-I don't want to get NFL's Sunday Ticket. I feel it would be a huge hassle to get a dish installed, get it all set up and then make then transition to learn my channel positions all over again. All of that just so 17 weeks a year I can control what NFL games I see when the Patriots are not on. It would be a terrible inconvenience for not that much reward. However, who ever is picking games each week for my cable network is really trying to force me that way. Yesterday, I was treated to Vikings/Browns (which was only slightly interesting to me because I got to see Brady Quinn start) and Texans/Jets. Both games turned out to be damn near un-watchable by the second half. That was followed by Giants/Redskins because for some reason Fox seems to think we here in Boston care about the Giants. Yes, 65 years ago when the Patriots didn't exist the Giants were the only team around. But, things have changed since then. It used to be that I didn't give a crap about the NFC East. But, by shoving the Redskins, Giants, Cowboys and Eagles down my throat each week I've switched from not caring to openly loathing the NFC East. As is, I barely care about the AFC East. I would rather watch two good teams play than two bad teams from the same division as my favorite team. I swear to God, when I used the guide forward to next week and saw that we were getting Tampa Bay at Buffalo instead of Baltimore at San Diego I almost called Direct TV right then.

Rascal Flatts Ramblings

So, last night I went and saw Rascal Flatts at the Comcast Center with Darius Rucker as the opening act. Despite the rain, it was a great show from start to finish and I had a blast. Here are some random observations from the night:

-Normally I'm not a big concert goer, because I don't like being squished by people or hearing songs that I previously enjoyed being bastardized in a live setting. Fortunately neither of those happened because the section we were in was not sold out and also the band didn't try to improve on songs that were already good. Also we were close enough to the stage that I couldn't hear the people around me who wanted to sing along. To summarize Matt Damon on SNL, "Let me make something abundantly clear. I don’t want any of you drunks singing along to ‘Me and My Gang' in my ear. I came here to hear Rascal Flatts, not the shipping department at Circuit City."

-The talent on the stage was only matched by the talent in the stands. I don't know why, but country music draws in the cutest girls (alas, it also draws in the girls who used to be cute before they grew that beer gut). However, a concert is a terrible place to try and pick up girls, because yelling in someone's ear is never that romantic. Plus, the guys I was with are both in long-term relationships and have had their wingman privileges revoked.

-The only downside of the night was that I had to miss the second half of Notre Dame / Michigan (though, given how the game turned out, maybe I shouldn't be that bummed). The worst part was how I found out they lost. I was walking past a group that had a different game on the radio and I asked if there were any big upsets. The kids said, "Actually, no huge upsets today. In fact, I think Oklahoma State was the only Top 25 team to lose... (10 second pause) Oh, and Notre Dame." You dick.

-I appreciated that Rascal Flatts didn't jam the new album down our throats. They tried to mix in old and new stuff and did so very well. There is nothing worse than when bands abandon their hits to just try and sell the new record.

-Darius Rucker actually was the same way. He only has the one solo album, so he still went back into the Hootie & The Blowfish catalog. I'll be honest, the crowd went a little nuts for the old Hootie stuff. That's one of those groups that everyone loved growing up (hell, they sold 20 million copies of Cracked Rear View) but now everyone tries to pretend they didn't like. Hard to keep up the front when you flip out for 'Only want to be with you.'

Still Hanging In There

Despite the economy being in this state for over a year now, it hasn't stopped several construction projects from continuing in the area. In just the last few months we've had new malls (excuse me, Places) open up in Foxboro with Patriot Place and Dedham's Liberty Place, both of which are supposed to be made up of higher-end stores. Personally I don't really think we needed another mall in the area, let alone two, but I am happy there are new movie theatres in the area to save me a drive to Randolph.

The problem is that squeezed in between these new places is the good old Walpole Mall. It was never much in the way of variety, but it had enough good stores that you could at least get some Christmas shopping done there. However, the mall's stores were hit pretty hard by the economy going to hell and a lot of them closed. Then the mall tried to give itself a facelift and expand to include new stores that you could get to without going into the mall. Instead of new stores going in, however, what happened is that the only chain stores in the mall took those new spots and made inside of the mall even more barren. Now it's just a Kohl's at one end and Barnes & Nobles at the other. Pretty much nothing in between.

I was up there this week looking for a present for my new niece and my mom's birthday when I found out the one place I expected to be long gone is in fact still there - the video arcade. Not only is it still open, it's actually doing well; it had a dozen or so people in there playing games. This is a surprising twist because they have probably done the least amount of upgrades of any store still in the place. They seem to have the same 15 arcade games that were there 5 years ago or stupid games with the chance to win tickets for crappy prizes. In this day and age of unbelievable graphics for video games you can play in the comfort of your own home for free, why the hell would people still be going to the video arcade to play old video games? Could the pull of playing Cruisin' USA with an actual steering wheel be that strong? It's not like the prizes are that sweet. If you can spend the $50 dollars to win enough tickets do you really need a Family Guy doll that would cost you $10 in a store?

Friday Ramblings...

-How annoying must it be to be either John Stockton or David Robinson right about now? Their entire careers were spent working hard and playing the game the right way and still neither of them ever got out of the shadow of bigger stars due to not being flashy or in big markets. Now they finally get to go into the Hall of Fame and they have to share a class with Michael Jordan? Stockton should be getting all the spotlight as one of the best point guards in history and instead he's almost an afterthought.

-So Ellen DeGeneres is going to be joining American Idol. If I had ever seen a single episode I bet I would be pretty fired up right about now. Everyone else seems to be. Personally, I never got the big deal about who the judges are. If America is supposed to make the final decision, why do we care what these people think? They should have to call in like the rest of the 14 year-old girls.

-I really liked those Coors Light fake press conference ads when they first came out but I think they've run their course. The Romeo Crennel one (and I love RAC) was pretty awful. They're not even trying to make them funny anymore, they're just throwing them together. You got your Denny Green ad of it, Coors, you can stop now.

-Wow, South Carolina, you really know how to pick public officials. At least this guy just embarrassed himself, he didn't try to bring down the Appalachian Trail's good name with him.

-So Courtney Love agreed to let the makers of Guitar Hero to use her husband's likeness, then got mad that they used her husband's likeness in every aspect of the game? Basically she wants to sue using the writ of "my husband would never sing Bon Jovi." Good to see she has that drug habit under control.

8-Legged Pains

With the amount of woods that surround my house, it should be no surprise when insects find their way into the house. Now, I'm not sure if it's because of the weather or some other factor, but this summer has been particularly full of spiders around here. It seems every time I look around there is a spider either on the ceiling or crawling across the floor. I used to be really bad about spiders, but as I've gotten older I've finally figured out that I'm actually very big compared to these little buggers and a size 14 boot goes a long way in ending any question of who's area this is.

Still, it doesn't make walking into a spider web any less unpleasant. Also, the ones who appear when I'm in the shower are not my friends. Our new shower liner actual has small weight on the bottom that just look like spots when I don't have my glasses on, so you could imagine my surprise when one of those dots started moving because it was actually a pretty good sized spider. That's fun first thing in the morning. But, the most annoying spiders are the ones who seem to like my truck the most. Everyday when I go out there a new web has appeared on my beloved Everest. The largest ones seem to appear in my tire wells and no amount of driving gets rid of these things. But, I would like to give kudos to one particularly determined little bugger who I think is actually living inside my passenger side mirror. No matter how often I clean the web away the next time I'm in the car there is a fresh web going from the mirror to the door handle. I almost feel bad knocking it off every day. Almost.

-Far be it from me to tell people who to run their teams, but I have to question Eric Mangini's big philosophy of trying to keep his starting quarterback a secret. Was there any way this was going to work? In today's world you can't keep a movie's ending secret, but you're somehow going to keep quiet who will be starting at one of the most visible positions in sports? Honestly, with the money that is going to be passed around in Vegas alone people have too much riding on that game to not find out. Plus, people talk. As if Quinn's not going to tell his family and they won't tell friends. Instead it looks like Mangini's ship already has some leaks and players aren't respecting their coach's wishes. Well played, Eric.

-From that same file: if you're the Raiders, wouldn't you work out an agreement with Richard Seymour on stuff like "We won't franchise you" before you finalize a trade? Seems kind of important right about now, doesn't it?

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today my mom is turning the big 6-0. To commemorate this occasion, we'll take a look back in picture form...

Here she is, around age 13. She was in a group called the Debonaires.
Seeing that it's her birthday, I will refrain from further comments, just know I've been waiting for months to show this picture.


We skip ahead to my parent's wedding day in 1971. I'm told that brown was all the rage back then.


Even though I'm nowhere to be found yet, I wanted to show this picture for three reasons:
1. First off, Dad, paint the wall and steps.
2. My mom gets us confused all the time, but now I know why - we no longer wear clothes that have our names right on them.
3. Looking at this picture you can see where Abigail and Madeline got their chunk from.


And we arrive at today. Mamo has gotten a lot better about letting other people hold the babies when she is around... I still wouldn't recommend trying it, though.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Love ya.

It's Just Not Happening

I don't know why, but I just can't get into tennis. You would think that I would be excited to follow it because it's fairly straightforward, doesn't feature a lot of quirky or hard rules and the scoring means that a winner will clearly be found - there will be no need for judges to make the final call. Also, should it go to extra time it is set up to ensure things won't go to the most obscure part of the game to find a way to break a tie (hello, penalty kicks). It's even got some hot girls (emphasis on some). It's got everything I usually look for in the sports that I follow. But, I just can't get into it. If you walk into a room and I'm watching tennis then clearly there is either nothing else on or I'm in the middle of changing the remote's batteries.

However, I'm trying to increase my interest level, if for no other reason than the U.S. Open. It's getting too much coverage for me to ignore it anymore. It's always on one channel or another and Direct TV has a channel that has multiple matches on one screen. Clearly, there is an audience for this. I mean, just look at the stadium this thing takes place in and that's just the centerpiece of a massive complex. People must still play tennis somewhere. I feel, like boxing and horseracing, tennis is one of those sports that people used to be into back when it was a sign of wealth, back before we invented better stuff to play. Now I would only think that kids are into tennis if you come from a family of people that play tennis. It doesn't strike me as a sport you pick up on your own.

Kids certainly aren't following the sport because of its dynamic stars. I doubt that many of them grow up with Roger Federer pictures plastered on their wall. Most of these guys are boring as all hell. Here's how I know that tennis has gone stagnant: the most recognizable star in the sport right now is still John MacEnroe - a guy that retired in 1992. What was John best known for? Being a whiny brat who complained about everything and threw a hissy fit if the referee didn't agree with him. And this was the guy they built the sport around. You know what... nevermind, I just figured out why I never got into tennis.

A Commercial Appeal

I understand that commercials, like traffic lights, are a necessary evil in everyday life. Other than the Super Bowl, commercials are just in the way. But, if commercials weren't around then there would be no way for TV networks to make money and shows that I enjoy would never make it to the airways. So, I am willing to put up with the annoyance of commercials. However, there is no need for me to see the same commercial 30 times in an hour long broadcast. These companies must have more commercials in the archives that they could break out. If a company is willing to spend all this money to broadcast this many times then they should also spend some extra money to make sure that I don't have to see one commercial over and over again. What ends up happening when I see a commercial that many times is it makes me want to not buy what they're selling. I figure that if I don't buy this product, the company will make less money, they will not be able to afford air time and I'll never have to see that stupid commercial ever again. Clearly, it backfires.

The only thing worse than seeing the same commercial over and over again is when I have to repeatedly see a commercial for a product that is not readily available. For the last couple of days I have seen the same promotion for Chick-Fil-A dozens of times. The gist of it is this: go into a Chick-Fil-A on Labor Day wearing the logo of your favorite team and get a free chicken sandwich. Awesome. I like chicken sandwiches and I have dozens upon dozens of shirts with team logos on them. There is only one problem - there isn't a Chick-Fil-A in this area. In fact, there isn't even one on the south shore. I know there is one in Nashua, but I'm not about to spend the gas money just to drive up to New Hampshire to get a sandwich that normally costs a dollar.

So, here's what I would like the inventors of the world to work on: some sort of program that weeds out ads for stores or restaurants that aren't within a 25 mile radius of the viewer's home. This would be a great way to cut down on wasted air time appealing to consumers that aren't going to take part in your services. TV stations could charge more for advertising with this specific focus and people wouldn't be annoyed with ads for restaurants they can't possibly go to. Everybody wins. For me it would cut out Buffalo Wild Wings, Papa Johns, Golden Corral, Red Lobster, Sonic and Pizza Hut (at least for delivery). With as much sports as I watch, taking those out has got to be a couple hours worth of commercials that could be replaced with ones for places I may actually go to. Think of it as my own version of a stimulus package. You're welcome, TV executives.

Add Another Jersey to the Pile

As I've talked about before, my closet is full of jerseys for players who no longer play for that team. I've got many jerseys that seemed like sound investments at the time, but are now just hanging there, probably never to be worn again. (I will not, however get rid of them because if any of these guys make the Hall of Fame suddenly I've saved $150 by not having to buy the retro jersey.) At this point I'm used to it and so I have stopped getting bent out of shape when yet another player gets traded or released. Still, with today's trading of Richard Seymour I'm down to pretty much one Patriots jersey to wear on game day. It's kind of annoying.

The trade itself surprises me because the Patriots are usually pretty good at keeping guys while they are still productive. This leads me to 5 possible conclusions:
1. Maybe he is on the downturn of his career. He hasn't made a Pro Bowl in a couple of years but I attributed that more to the fact that he's been fighting double teams.
2. The Patriots didn't think they would be able to re-sign Seymour once his contract expired after this season and wanted to get while the getting was good.
3. The defensive line is one of the deeper units on the team and thus the team figures his loss would be lessened.
4. This could mean that a long term extension is on the horizon for Vince Wilfork. They weren't going to be able to afford Seymour and Wilfork, so this could be their way of making a decision.
5. Perhaps they need an extra first round pick because they intend to trade their own for a player of high value (Julius Peppers, anyone?).

The trade also marks the end of an era. Seymour is one of the last guys who has been here since the beginning of the team's resurgence and I thought he was going to go down as an All-Time Patriot. I guess how long he plays beyond his Patriot career will determine that. But, it shouldn't change the fact that he's probably the greatest draft pick of the Scott Pioli/Bill Belichick regime. Brady was luck - Belichick himself would tell you as much. But you need to nail top 10 draft choices or you could set the franchise back years. Ask Lions fans.

Or, you could ask Raider fans. I'm not sure why the Raiders would make this deal. I highly doubt he'll re-sign with them after his deal expires, unless they throw a ton of cash his way. And while I have no doubt that AL Davis would be more than happy to do just that, I don't know why Seymour would stay in a team that looks to be at least 2 more years away from contending. They're deep into a rebuilding project - a project that just got a lot harder when they gave the Patriots a pick that could be in the top 20 in 2011.

-One more football note: if you are playing for a Division 1 school in the opening game against a 1-AA school, please tone down the strutting. You're supposed to be beating those teams by 50 points.

Welcome Back, College Football

Mostly, I prefer pro football instead of the college game. It's just a personal preference of wanting to see completed passes and well run plays, versus the occasional misfires that are bound to happen when you have college kids out there. They're not all going to be playing at the next level and there is a reason for it. When you go into a 5-wide formation then odds are you've got a walk-on out there who is about to get lit up if the QB can find the guy he's lined up against. Doesn't make for the most aesthetically pleasing game, is all. But, there is one aspect that makes college football so much better than the pro game and that is the do-or-die mentality that has to be taken on every week. With the BCS as messed up as it is teams can't afford to lose more than 2 games and still expect to be in the National Championship picture. And for teams from non BCS conferences like Boise State there is absolutely no margin for error. They need to be on their game for 13 weeks or they can forget about playing a New Year's Day bowl. The desperation just adds another level that is often missing with pro sports. If the Patriots stumble against the Bills in week 1, they could still go 15-1 and make the playoffs. It's no big deal. If Alabama loses to Virginia Tech today then they're simply playing out the string and waiting on next year.

As for my team, I expect a good year out of Notre Dame. Those expecting an undefeated season should brace for disappointment, though. College football is mostly about how well your quarterback plays and I'm still not sold on Clausen as the savior of the program. I think the Hawaii Bowl win was a good confidence booster and the fact that he's now a junior should lead to some marked improvement. I'm just not sure he's elite level yet. I think that he's gotten to the point that there should be no more Syracuse-like stumbles this season; it's whether he can beat USC is the question. They've got an easy schedule and should handle the likes of Nevada, Navy, Washington and Washington State. I have them at 7 wins without much worry and think they could go as high as 9. That should be good enough to get them to a big(ger) bowl along the lines of the Gator Bowl and a tough opponent. Avoiding a BCS bowl will be a tough blow to Charlie Weis, but still I think if they can win that game and get to 10 wins he'll be back beyond this season.

-I understand that this is supposed to be national sportsmanship week and so that's why all the coaches think it's a good idea for teams to shake hands before the game. But, when you've just spent 8 months thinking about this first game and the chance to let out 8 months of frustration, I don't think it's the best idea to get these kids too close before kickoff. They're about to go out and try to kill each other, they don't need to pretend like they're all friendly beforehand. Up until yesterday I was actually thinking that doing it after the game would be the better idea, like hockey teams do after a playoff series. By then tension should have subsided and everyone should have calmed down. But, now I realised that some people may still need some time to cool off. Maybe they should just forget the handshake.

Almost There

It's the Friday before a holiday weekend and it's freaking gorgeous out, so I'm putting a big old stamp on this post...

-Hold on, Michael Jackson hasn't been buried yet? Then what the hell was that whole spectacle at the Staples Center? Seriously, you're making me think about taking back my positive thoughts about the man, Jackson family.

-I'm not sure which type of elderly driver is worse: the ones who drive 20 miles an hour, but at least stay in one lane or the kamikaze ones who just pull out into traffic without really looking because they figure they're just going to chance it at this point.

And with that, I give you the comedic stylings of John Pinette.

Meet Madeline

Remember yesterday when I said that my sister was due to have her baby any day now? That actually should have read "tomorrow." We welcomed Madeline Johanna Waldron to the family this morning at 11 a.m.

She doesn't have as much hair as her big sister did when she was born, but trust me, there is still a good amount under there.

When her doctors projected her weight out a couple weeks ago they said she was going to weigh around 7.5 lbs. While that may be a big baby to some, in this family we were all wondering why she was so small. Turns out it's a good thing those guys became doctors, because they're not very good at math. She clocked in a very healthy 8 lbs, 10 ounces.

She's also 21 inches long, so we've got another tall girl on our hands.

At Least The House Is Clean...

My sister is due to have a baby any day now (actually, my family knows the exact day and time but because we're 1/2 Irish I will not be divulging that information). When a birth is this imminent, a weird vibe comes over a family - it's like waiting on Christmas and a tornado to roll through at the same time. And when your family is as close as mine is that means everyone is covered. So, we're all walking around with bounding, nervous energy ready to just get the whole process over with and start spoiling this little lady. Add to that I'm also waiting to hear back about a job and I'm bouncing off the walls over here. Because of all this energy I've spent the day working on stupid projects, just to try and keep my mind occupied.

First thing I tackled was cleaning off and organizing all the clutter from the top of my bureaus. After about 20 minutes I realised that I wasn't really doing much of either, more like just moving stuff around. I then spent some time dusting and rearranging the stuff on my desk. Then I just started to get stupid, like when I spent 20 minutes going around and to make sure all my footballs were inflated. I'm not even sure why this suddenly seemed important; I'm not playing football this weekend - I'm probably not going to be playing football this month. But if anyone needs a football to celebrate college football kicking off this weekend, I'm the guy you should call. In the meantime, I'll be running around in circle and organizing my sock drawer.

-What happened to last season's improbable World Series run being the thing that got people to care about baseball in Tampa Bay? I'm watching the Sox play the Rays in what amounts to a do-or-die series for the Rays and there is almost no one there. I know they fell in love quickly last October, but I didn't expect the fling to be over by this season.

-Speaking of the Red Sox, Curt Schilling said he's thinking about running for Ted Kennedy's now vacant Senate seat. I got to be honest Curt, it's a waste of your time and money. This state isn't going to line up behind you just because you pitched great in '04. Not to mention, you sticking your head out of your car window before the victory parade and giving us an unsolicited "Vote Bush" really sullied the moment for a lot of diehards. That combined with the fact that you actually told people to vote for Bush is pretty much going to kill your campaign before it started, and that's without going into the fact that you have never served public office before. Really, stick to the blog.

What's the Etiquette Here?

Today I went out to lunch with my mom to the Halfway Cafe in Canton (which was excellent, by the way). Anyways, we were seated right next to the station where all the waitresses entered their orders and while we were there we noticed that our waitress appeared to have either leaned up against or sat in something kind of dusty because she had specks all over her butt. Now, before you accuse me of staring at some girl's ass while having lunch with my mom I just want to say that it was especially noticeable because she was wearing all black and the dots were white. It was the color scheme, not me being sketchy.

Now, on the one hand I would like to be a helpful person and tell her so that she doesn't walk around with this stuff for the rest of her shift. On the other hand, it's not easy to tell someone that they have crap all over their butt when you're a guy. She'll think I'm a leering pervert. Girls can just tell each other this stuff and it'll be one girl looking out for another. It's just not a topic that you can ease your way into when you're a dude. Really, there is no way to bring it up to a complete stranger without being obvious about how you noticed it in the first place. Plus, she hadn't taken our order yet and I wouldn't want her messing with my lunch. Food and talk about a stranger's butt just should not be mixed.

-If I could take a second to talk about the Brett Favre block from last night's game - yes, he went low and yes, it was dirty and he should be fined. That's what'll happened when you close your eyes while trying to block. Idiot. But, I have to ask: what the hell was Favre, who earlier in the day disclosed he has a cracked rib, doing out there anyway? Who risks their quarterback's shoulder, and by extension their entire season, on a meaningless preseason gimmick play?

-There can't be any easy way to give someone this as a present. "Hey Dave, I saw this ad for a pocket breathalyzer and just thought of you. You damn lush." What's weird is that just the other day I had an ad for this emailed to me. How the hell did I end up on that mailing list?