What Was Wrong With Christian?

As a self-confessed sports nut, I have no problem with people who want to name their sons and daughters after famous athletes. And while I think it's probably a better idea to stick to their first names, there are occasions where an athlete's last name could make a solid first name for a kid. I just happen to think it is better when confined to a middle name. (Really, if Antoine Walker had played his entire career with the Celtics, Kevin Walker Rakauskas would have been in strong contention for my future son.) The point is some last names are last names for a reason - they do not fit in the lead-off spot. It is with that in mind I bring you the story of a family in which the father is a big Duke fan and the mom grew up a fan of the UNC Tarheels (for those of you who don't follow college basketball and live above the Mason-Dixon line, think Yankees/Red Sox-level rivalry). The father was given the first name, the mom the middle name and the father went with: Laettner. As in Christian Laettner, just about the most hated of all Duke players among Tarheel fans.

I'm sure this father thinks he has pulled off a master stroke, because not only will this pretty much ensure his son has to grow up rooting for Duke (a big deal in a split-school-rivalry household), but the schoolyard bullies will have a hell of time rhyming something with "Laettner." I can't argue that point, because it's true little kids have a limited vocabulary to work with. But, there is another issue for this poor kid to deal with from here on out - what if he sucks at basketball? Everyone in North Carolina is going to be aware of where his first name came from, so what if the kid can't dribble or shoot? The Dukies he will inevitably grow up with are going to give him an endless line of crap if he is continually the last kid picked during recess (really, it's a good thing he won't be growing up in the Minneapolis area). It would be the same as living in New York, naming a son Micky Mantle and finding out he fielded like Edward Sissorhands. Also, I hope they are prepared for a lifetime of paying extra for customization every time they take the kid to a theme park and he starts looking for his name among the license plate magnets, because I can pretty much guarantee "Laettner" isn't going to be there. That will have to be special ordered.

All that being said, I want to commend the wife for being this cool about letting her husband have carte-blanche when it came to naming their son and the father for having the good sense to put a ring on the finger of a woman so into sports. But then I saw what she picked out for the child's middle name: Keanu. (She also pitched Gavin Rossdale as a name, in honor of the musician. Apparently this woman loves terrible music and horrible acting.) That's when it dawned on me that she is probably as out-there as the father is. Now I'm wondering how obscure a name he could have gone with before she said no. Trajan? Krzyzewski? Wojciehowski? And, just so you know, Laettner Keanu, I think changing someone's name is a fairly easy process you can undertake as soon as you turn 18.