Welcome Back, Boys

As you probably have guessed by now, I'm pretty excited to have football back. I'm especially loving the craziness that has come from everyone trying to get free agency done the same time that training camp is starting. In some ways, it's actually better than the normal system, because when the Patriots make a trade during the draft you have to wonder how it is going to workout when training camp finally rolls around in a couple months. With this they make a deal on Thursday and the guy is on the field Friday. It's like instant gratification. (Don't get me wrong though - I'm not asking for another lockout next year.)

Still, this song seems fitting for the week. It also happens to be one of my favorite songs ever, which just works out well. There is a Bon Jovi cover of this song floating around as well, but I prefer to stick with the original whenever possible.

Weekly (Non-NFL) Sporties

-I've figured out what I don't like about the Tour De France: that last ceremonial leg bothers the hell out of me. The leader was only ahead by 5 seconds going into the final day. You mean to tell me no one could overtake that if they were really racing? Of course they could, but thanks to "tradition" the riders spend the last day going at half-speed, drinking champagne and not trying to win. Shouldn't the victory lap wait until the race is over?

-I loved the show "The West Wing", especially the first couple of seasons. One of my favorite lines of the entire run came in one of the first couple of episodes when the staff is sitting around, discussing the President's dropping approval ratings, when one of them looks up and says, "How could we go down since last week? We didn't do anything last week." I was thinking about this when word came down on Thursday that US Men's National Soccer coach Bob Bradley was being relieved of his duties. How can you get fired for doing a poor job when you haven't even coached in months? Didn't we play well last game? And, honestly, what are the people in charge expecting? The US isn't a men's soccer powerhouse, did they honestly expect Bradley to win the World Cup or something?

-Another firing that appeared to be strangely-timed was UNC getting rid of football coach Butch Davis. Last season UNC was subjected to a major NCAA investigation into academic cheating (such as having tutors write papers) and players having illegal contact with agents. The program lost several scholarships and 14 players were suspended for either part or the entire season, but Davis kept his job. I'm not saying that Davis was running a tight ship or didn't deserve to be let go, by why not do it last year instead of now, right before the season started and with no time to find a full-time replacement? I'm sure the Athletic Director (who is also now going to be fired) was busy, but you think he could have found time to do this over the winter.

-As NBA star after NBA star threatened to play overseas during the lockout, I could come up with a reason that each one ultimately wouldn't: Kobe (needs the rest), Amare(ditto), Williams (too risky approaching free-agency), Howard (won't get enough attention). But Kevin Durant recently said he was about 50-50 about playing overseas. Now, he's the one guy it makes sense for: he's young, doesn't have the creaky knees that someone who has played 10 NBA seasons would, it'll give him more exposure, making him a bigger world-wide star and he's locked up long-term which means he doesn't have to worry about getting paid once the lockout ends even if he gets hurt. In fact, given that Durant is such a talent and also a really good kid he would probably be the best brand ambassador the NBA could send. He might be the only player that would help both sides by playing abroad.

-The Major League Baseball trading deadline is tomorrow and many names are being throw around. For some reason it feels as though more prospects are being brought up in trade discussions than usual. This means guys who aren't quite ready for the big-leagues are having their games broken down more than ever before because teams want to be sure that if they are trading away a big star they are at least getting a major league-level player in return. The problem is all these guys have issues with their games, otherwise they would already be in the majors. The other night I was listening to a couple of analysts break-down a catching prospect's game and the scout said, "He's a catcher who can't catch." Um, that seems like a fairly large problem to me. It would be like a pitcher who can't get it to home plate. My guess is no one will be trading for that guy this year.

-After he fired Stevie Williams last week, every golf pundit in the world had the same advice for Tiger Woods: make sure your next guy is an experienced caddy. They thought the worst thing for Tiger would be to hire one of his buddies who would just be a 'yes-man' out on the course. Their next piece of advice was that Tiger should just forget about playing any more this year. Forget about the PGA Championship, chalk 2011 up as a lost year, take the rest of this year to work on your swing and then come back next season completely healthy. So, of course, on Thursday Tiger announced he would be returning next week at an event to warm up for the PGA and that his caddy for the event was Bryon Bell, his high school teammate and long-time friend, who has worked for Woods for years but doesn't have much in the way of caddy experience. Seriously, sometimes I feel like Woods just waits to see what people are saying about him so he can go and do the opposite.

NFL Sporties

-When the NFL lifted it's lockout at the start of the week, they said teams couldn't start signing free agents until Friday, but they could start negotiating with them on Wednesday. Well, Wednesday afternoon about 3 dozen signings were announced in 20 minutes. It was clear to anyone paying attention that these guys had been talking long before Wednesday. They had to be - these are the same people who took an extra three days to re-read a contract they agreed to just make sure nothing strange was added at the last minute. All of a sudden we're expected to believe they could agree to multi-year, multi-million dollar deals in an hour? It was obvious tampering. But, here's what is great - no one cared. I always have to laugh when things like this happen in sports: someone breaks the rules, but since literally everyone is doing it as well, no one can complain. It's as though, due to the lockout condensing free agency into a week versus a couple of months, every team just agree to look the other way this year. So much for the integrity of the game.

-The Patriots made two huge moves this week, and we'll take the trade for receiver Chad Ochocinco first. I'm not a big fan of Chad, because I think his production has faded over the years while his yapping has gotten worse. I've always liked the guys who talked less and produced more a lot better. That being said, I think he'll fit in alright with the team because they will try to squash some of his media antics and if he doesn't want to play along they will cut him. They are the one who have won three Super Bowls and Chad hasn't even won a playoff game. He needs them more than they need him. Plus, for all the talking he does off the field no one has ever accused Ochocinco of being a bad teammate. He may get annoying, but at least he puts the work in. As long as he doesn't lose the locker room I think the move will work out fine.

-I'm a lot less enthusiastic about the other trade the Patriots made, getting defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth from Washington. First off, one of the podcasts I listen to every day is based out of Washington, so I'm very plugged into the D.C. sports scene and let's just say Albert wore out his welcome down there very quickly. Between allegedly groping a waitress (his defense, by the way, was that it couldn't have happened because the waitress was black and he "only likes white girls"), being involved in several motor accidents and then showing up out of shape and with a poor attitude, it was not a good signing by the Redskins. This is on top of a long history of getting into trouble both on and off the football field while in Tennessee. The worst part was that I knew it was going to happen. Albert has only had one good year in the NFL - his contract year. I'm always wary of signing guys who only have big seasons when they are trying to get paid.

-Now, if you wanted to defend Haynesworth, you could point out that when he was in Tennessee they played a certain defensive scheme (4-3) and he made it clear when he became a free agent he didn't want to play in another system. When he signed in Washington the Redskins promised they were going to play that system... before switching to a 3-4, which puts a lot more pressure on the person playing defensive tackle. Haynesworth said he never would have signed in Washington if he knew the switch was coming and he felt lied to. To some degree his displeasure is understandable. Then again, he was getting paid $100 million, so most people (including me) kind of feel he should have just sucked it up and dealt with change. Oh and by the way, that system Albert hates so much also happens to be the defensive scheme the Patriots play. Unless the Patriots plan on switching to a 4-3 (unlikely), I doubt Albert's attitude will improve. You know what the worst part is? For the last two years I had been crowing about how right I was that Haynesworth was a bad player and a bad person and that any team dumb enough to sign him got what they deserved. Now my team has him. Karma really is a bitch.

-My favorite (non-Patriot) NFL move so far? The Jets re-signing Santonio Holmes. Now, I know this isn't good for the Patriots since they are in the same division, but I respect smart moves when I see them. With a still-developing quarterback it was very important the Jets keep some offensive weapons around Mark Sanchez. They couldn't afford keep all of them, but they made sure they kept the best one instead of blowing their money on another defensive player. They aleady have a great defense, adding another marquee player to it would be like putting frosting on a Twinkie. Focusing on keeping some of their own guys was the smart thing to do.

-My least-favorite (Non-Patriot) move? The Seahawks signing wide receiver Sidney Rice. Signing a good young wide-out sounds like a really smart idea. And it would have been, had Seattle decided to keep Matt Hasselbeck. But they didn't - letting him leave via free agency and signing Tarvaris Jackson to take his place. No position in sports is more dependent on another one quite like wide receivers to quarterbacks. A good QB can make a bad receiver look great, but a good receiver can't do nearly as much to help a bad QB. If Jackson was any good he would have cashed in on any of the numerous opportunities the Vikings had given him over the years. Instead Minnesota thought a wash-up Bret Favre and Donovan McNabb were better options - that tells you all you need to know. Following the Rice signing with bringing in Jackson is a little like buying a Ferrari and then putting on retreaded tires.

Double Jeopardy

Every week seems to feature one or two stories that make people sit back and go, "Huh?" Today the fun/weird story was that of Alex Trebek, the long-time host of the gameshow "Jeopardy", who found a burglar in his apartment and chased them down, ultimately tearing his Achilles tendon in the process. Now, I have previously stated my dislike for Trebek: the way he puts on extra emphasis when pronouncing French words (as if we could forget he is Canadian), and the smugness he employs when all three contestants get the question wrong and he finally tells them the right answer. Alex, you know damn well you wouldn't have a clue as to the correct answer if it wasn't written down on the paper in front of you.

That being said, running down the person breaking into your place is pretty bad-ass. I know he ended up hurt in the process, but when you consider Trebek is 71 (seriously, would you have thought Trebek was a day over 65?) it's extremely impressive. I just want to know if after he took down the would-be-robber he fired off some kind of burn line out of an action movie, such as, "You forgot to phrase this break-in in the form of a question!" I guess the thing we all learned today is not to mess with game show hosts. (I feel like this is especially true concerning Pat Sajak. I assume that 30 years of spinning the wheel has given Mr. Sajak a very strong abdominal core. That dude will mess you up.)

Admitting Defeat

While the order in which they are listed might be constantly shifting, the movies that make up my personal "Top 10" list remain pretty constant. One of the films on that list is "Gladiator". Among the many reasons I love this movie is because it grabs your right from the opening battle sequence. I can't stand movies that take forever to get to the plot. I've seen the trailer, I know this is about a guy attempting to break out of prison, so don't waste 45 minutes before he even gets to trial. Anyway, some of "Gladiator"'s best lines are in the first 20 minutes of the movie. One of my favorites is when the Roman general is looking over at the small army of Germanics up against the legion and says, "People should know when they're conquered." Because of how my brain works this line was stuck in my head the entire time I was walking around a Borders bookstore this afternoon. Allow me to clarify (or at least try to - attempting to explain how my brain makes the transitions it does is a huge undertaking):

Over the past few months Borders has been slowly closing store after store while trying to avoid complete bankruptcy. Unfortunately, their plan didn't work and they could not find a buyer for the company, so last week they announced they were going to close the remaining stores and go totally out of business. Therefore they needed to sell off their entire inventory. They said they were going to start selling everything off immediately and discounts could be as high as 40% off, so if you had your eye on something you had better get to a store soon. Now, as someone who fancies himself a writer I not only felt bad about another bookstore biting the dust, but buying books at a huge discount feels a little like stealing from other writers. Then again, I'm not an idiot; I don't personally know any of these writers and a huge sale is a huge sale, so I swung by my local Borders this afternoon looking for deals.

My first indication this was not going to go how I thought it would came when the sign out front read "Up To 40% Off" but once I went inside I found out most of the books and movies were only 10%-20% off. Alright, a little bait and switch to get people in the door, but a sale is a sale so I started looking around for books I might be interested in. I expected the pickings to be slim, but despite the announced sell-off the store still seemed to be very well stocked. It wasn't until I picked up the first book I was interested in that I not only realised why the store still had so much product left, but also remembered why I rarely went into a Borders before the announced they were closing stores: their prices are ridiculous.

Most of the books I looked at were still very expensive, to the point that even with the 20% off I would still find them cheaper online and that would included shipping and handling. Prime example: there was a DVD copy of "The Town". Now, this movie is on my "To Buy" list but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet and I figured now was a perfect time. I picked it up to discover at Borders a DVD costs $28. Even with 20% off it still cost around $22, which remains about $5 more than I would pay for the same thing at a Best Buy or Newbury Comics. Um, Borders, I don't think you understand how a "Going Out Of Business" sale works.

See, you lost. You have no leverage. You're the one who is not going to be around much longer, so you can't really drive a hard bargain here. At some point you just have to be rid of this stuff because you can't take it with you or ship it to another store and the consumers know it. When the sign on the door says "everything must go" people are less concerned about what they are buying and more about how much it costs. Maybe I want to read a specific book, but if it costs $10 more than some other book about the same subject, guess which one I'm buying? I can wait you out and swing back around in a couple weeks when the selection might be less but the discounts will be greater. If you're actually interested in selling this stuff off you should be a bit more realistic.

I guess, given that this chain is going out of business because they thought things like "Internet shopping" and "e-readers" were passing fads, I shouldn't expect a lot of sound business decisions from them. Still, jacking up prices and offering "discounts" that don't actual translate to savings while you're going out of business is a little like having a yard sale and then insisting everyone pay retail store prices for your stuff. What is going to end up happening is people will wait it out and suddenly you're begging them to take things away for less than they offered you earlier because you just don't have the energy to put it back in the garage. Borders, it's time to admit you've been conquered.

More Movie Reviews

So, we've entered that glorious time of the year when all of the big movies from the tail end of last summer have finally made their way onto the paid cable channels. This couldn't happen at a better time because we're in the middle of rerun season on TV and there isn't much to watch. I'm all for getting out and enjoying a summer night, but even the most active person can stand to have a quiet night on the couch. So, with that in mind here are some quick movie reviews for when you decide to stay in one night.

-Hot Coffee This wasn't a summer blockbuster, but a documentary about tort reform. The title comes from the case when a woman sued McDonald's after being burned by their coffee, which had been served to her at a temperature of 180 degrees. At the time every hack comedian made jokes at this woman's expense about learning how to drink and we all laughed. Watching this movie you learn she suffered 3rd-degree burns and didn't ask for all that money, just to have her medical bills paid for and it was the jury members who gave her the huge settlement because they saw how awful the physical damage really was. Basically, we're all assholes for laughing at her. It then goes into all the people who were screwed by the government putting caps on how much people are allowed to sue companies for. Not going to lie, this movie has severe liberal leanings and pretty much makes you feel like the only reason Karl Rove isn't dead is because even hell doesn't want him. It's not an easy watch, but it was very dramatic.

-The Expendables Just a straight action movie with little-to-no plot. This is probably for the best because between Jet Li's broken English, Steve Austin and Randy Couture's mumblings, Jason Statham's growling British accent and the botox-induced muttering of Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren and Eric Roberts you wouldn't be able to follow the script anyway. Even though it was in English I could have used sub-titles. This feels like a movie that spent 20 minutes on the script and 20 hours on coordinating the stunts. I'm willing to bet that on more than one occasion, Sly (who also directed this) said to his actors, "I don't care about the dialog nearly as much as I care about you making sure this looks cool." As you can imagine, I enjoyed the hell out of it.

-Letters to Juliet Now, before you judge me too harshly, I have to say I didn't actually watch this entire movie, it just seems like the last 15 minutes are constantly on one channel or another and so I know how it ends. Also, I don't think you'll need more than two guesses as to what that ending is. But I did want to use this space to publicly state my celebrity crush on Amanda Seyfried. She's very cute. Amanda, call me sometime.

-The American A little slow to get going, I feel like there are lots of shots of scenery that could have been cut and made this movie 20 minutes shorter. But, after that it's not terrible, even if you can figure out the 'twist' about 10 minutes in. Honestly, I would have bailed if it was a lesser actor, but Clooney keeps things rolling. I do have one major sticking point, though it is not specific to this movie: can we do away with the Hollywood cliche of the 'hooker with the heart of gold'? Admittedly, I don't know any hookers (at least that I know of), but I'm still willing to paint the profession with a broad brush in saying I doubt there are that many good-hearted people who have gotten into a rough patch of life and made the decision to start sleeping with strangers for money. I think they are much more likely to get a temp job.

-It's Kind of A Funny Story... ...but it's not a funny movie. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions, but I went in expecting any movie that had Zach Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan in it to be a comedy, not a somewhat heavy movie about teenage depression and suicide attempts. Yet, that is what I got - not really a movie with a lot of light moments. Now, this is not to say it's a bad movie, it's actually pretty good, but it is just not what I expected. If asked I would say you would probably enjoy it, but if you are looking for laughs only watch the outtakes.

Fast & Furious Fanboys

As a guy who loves movies, I can totally understand it when a person get wrapped up in a specific film or series. It's all about putting your imagination back in control and letting yourself be a kid again for a few hours. I mean, I'm not about to dress like a wizard to go and see a movie, but I can get why people do. I'm sure to them the guy who paints his face before going to a Patriots game is crazy. Besides, without those people we wouldn't have Comic-Con every year and that event looks like a crazy good time. And in the end, who are they hurting (outside of their own social skills)? I figure as long as they remember to turn their light-sabers off when the previews are over and keep the geeking out to a minimum, we'll get along just fine. It is only when they start to get in my way that I have a problem. That is why I am more than happy to coexist with the "Harry Potter", "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" fanboys, but have a real problem with the fans of a certain movie franchise - "The Fast & The Furious".

Thanks to these movies everybody driving $1,200 worth of Honda Civic thinks it's a fantastic idea to drop $10,000 worth of electronics and body work into these cars and then drive them down the highway like they are in a race no one else was told had started. Every time one of these films comes out a new wave of these cars shows up on the highway and nearly causes a huge wreck because while the "Harry Potter" crew is willing to concede they won't ever actually be able to fly, "The Fast & The Furious" morons can't seem to grasp the concept that all the driving on-screen was being done by professionals on closed roads and therefore everyone was paying attention, unlike the the actual highway, where 75% of the people are on their phones.

Even worse than the people who spend their life savings to pimp out their Kia are the ones who can't afford to, but still want people to treat them like street racers and do their upgrading incrementally. Somehow, that just makes it seem sadder. I was next to one of these morons today. Sitting at a red light, I was able to hear him coming up behind me well before I saw him, as he had done something to make his engine much louder than it needed to be. Before he got to the light he shot over one lane and cut off an 18-wheeler (no turn signal, of course), letting me know just how bad a driver he was. Now he was next to me at the light and even though I had my windows closed I could hear his shitty music better than my own. Then he started to open and close his driver's side door to check something. Given the state of his car, I assume it was to make sure his bumper hadn't fallen off since he left his house.

Allow me to describe his vehicle to you: it appeared to be an early 2000 Honda and it was approximately 5 different colors (I couldn't see the other side, which may have resembled a Jackson Pollock painting). His door was white, his hood was red, the front panel was grey, and the rest of the car had both blue and black patches. Much like how people paint small squares of several colors on a wall to see how they will look once they are dry, it appeared as though this guy couldn't pick which one he wanted to go with yet. Of course, the back seat was one giant sub-woofer and the car had a spoiler. The high bass in his musical selection screamed "Look at me", which is ironic because if I had been behind the wheel of this piece of crap I would have wanted to remain as invisible as possible. As the driver continued to open and close his door to check on whatever he was concerned about I made the mistake of looking over to take in this eclectic car, which was when I did the one thing I really didn't want to do: I made eye contact with him.

Dammit, now in this idiot's head we were racing.

He quickly gave me a nod, as if agreeing to some kind of wager I didn't make. But before I could get my hands up to wave him off or politely decline his invitation, he turned away, gave the traffic light his full attention and revved his engine. Oh well, I sat there and hoped this guy would enjoy the race against himself, because I wasn't playing. But, then the funniest thing happened - the light turned green, his engine made a ton of noise, I pulled forward at a normal pace... and I smoked him without even trying. Apparently, his engine was really loud, but didn't actually make his car any faster. This just made his vehicle seem even sillier, which I hadn't thought was possible.

So, just a word of advice to anyone out there who fancies themselves a street racer: before you buy the spoiler and the 19-speaker stereo, perhaps you should make sure your engine actually works. Not only will this prolong your racing career, but it will make sure you don't get smoked by random Mercury Mountaineers at red lights who aren't even racing you. Besides, if you don't take care of the engine first you'll find yourself having to take the bus and even the "Harry Potter" kids will make fun of you for that.

Not Quite The Same Level

When I saw Amy Winehouse was a trending topic on Twitter yesterday, my first thought was, "Is she dead?" I wasn't trying to be morbid - that is just how Twitter works: if your name is a trending topic is it never for a good reason. Celebrities and musicians never trend on Twitter for winning an award or curing a disease. They either died or people think they died, which is why my second thought was that it probably wasn't true. On more than one occasion people have started rumors about some quasi-celebrity being dead via Twitter, so you should really double-check before you start telling other people. (It is also why I'm very careful about who I follow.) But, it turns out she actually had passed away. Now, it's obviously sad when anyone loses a battle with addiction and it's even sadder when they are only 27 years old, so I'm not about to start making jokes at her expense about how she probably should have gone to rehab.

That being said...

The next thing to start floating around the Internet was that now Winehouse was a member of "Club 27" - famous musicians who all died at the same age. The members of this club include Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. Now, I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but are we really saying Amy Winehouse is in that category? I get that she was a bigger star in England than here and I enjoyed her music as much as the next guy, but you just can't compare catalogs. I've heard "Rehab" roughly 200 times since yesterday and it's fine, but it just doesn't feel like it is going to stand the test of time. At least not like any of the music from some of the other members of Club 27. Seriously, just listen to Jimi and then try to tell me my grandkids are going to know the lyrics to "Valerie". It's not going to happen.

Weekly Sporties

-All this week ESPN has been trying to promote the hell out of the World Poker Championships. You see, ESPN over-paid for this event when poker was hot, but like all fads it has since faded in popularity. However, the network still has several years left on this contract, so they have to pretend as though it still matters. Therefore, ESPN has tried to liven up the contest by showing the games as they happen and not revealing what cards people have until the end. On the surface, the rationale makes sense: people aren't going to watch something that was filmed months ago and not allowing people to know what cards the players are holding will keep people guessing and watching until the end of the hand. Sounds good in theory, but that's only going to hold on to the people who actually care who wins. The other 98% of the world's population is just annoyed that you removed the only good parts of the show, because watching real poker is boring as hell. The fact that we can no longer see the hold cards and have to wait in real time while 6 anti-social and pale guys do calculations in their heads is not a selling point. Before I might have hung around for a hand or two, but now I'm not watching at all. Just move this to ESPN 8 and get it over with.

-I have said this every time it has happened before, so I don't want anyone out there to think this is sour grapes because the US lost last week, but penalty kicks really are an awful way to decide a world championship. They make the event seem too gimmicky to ever be taken seriously. I think they should go back to having sudden death and a 'Golden Goal'. At least that way you actually get rewarded for how you play the game and not by something that only happens on rare occasions during play. Imagine if the NBA Finals were decided by a game of H-O-R-S-E, because it's really the same thing.

-Speaking of the NBA, even though the league is at the beginning stages of a lockout that everyone says will last until at least January, the NBA released its schedule this week with games set to start in November. Now, those games are never going to be played: I know it, you know it, the players know it and the owners know it. Making it even more obvious is the fact that the two sides aren't even scheduled to meet for more labor negotiations until the middle of August. I think the reason this bothers me is because it makes the NBA seem like it is talking down to its fans. We're all adults and we can handle bad news, so please, treat us like we put our big-boy pants on and don't tell us everything is going to be fine when it clearly isn't. The NBA is already going to lose a lot of fans to the lockout, they shouldn't piss off the ones they have left by treating them like children.

-So, from one lockout just starting to one that is on its last legs, the NFL lockout may be coming to an end. The other night the NFL owners approved a new CBA by a vote of 31-0. (The Raiders did not take part in the vote. I assume it was because the vote happened when the sun was still up and Al Davis can only come out at night.) However, the players union said not so fast as they want to go over all the details to make sure the owners didn't slip some last-minute loopholes in before they sign anything. While that makes sense, I don't think that is the major concern. I think what's happening now is that players hate training camp and fully expected to get a couple weeks off from it, not thinking a deal would get done so fast. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that they are just dragging their collective feet because a few dozen made vacation plans for early August.

-Still, the deal will get done and not much will be different, except for one thing: the annual Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio has already been cancelled for this year. While the city of Canton is saddened by this announcement, I personally never understood the purpose of the game. I always felt as thought it distracted people away from that year's class of inductees, which was a raw deal considering how hard they had to work to get there. Having one year with no game to take the spotlight away from the class may not be a bad thing. And when you consider this year's class has both Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe, two of the leagues best talkers and self-promoters, they may actually prefer it this way.

-From the moment it was revealed that Stevie Williams was going to caddy for Adam Scott at a couple of events I had been saying that he would never caddy for Tiger Woods again. It's simple human nature - you don't let people borrow something if you are worried about never getting it back. Therefore, I can't really say that I was surprised when Tiger formally announced a switch this week. What was surprising was the revelation that Tiger gave Stevie his blessing to caddy for Scott with a "I'm going to say it's ok even it's really not and I'm mad about this, but I'm not going to tell you that because I want you to come to that conclusion on your own" tone, because I always thought that tone was reserved for 22 year-old girls. So, what this really boils down to is Tiger getting pissed that his loyal caddy appeared to be stepping out with someone else. Boy, that's ironic, isn't it?

Better Late Than Never

Throughout my day I am sent tons of mindless forwards from people I haven't otherwise spoken to in years. At this point I'm not even sure if they remember who I am or why I am on their forward lists. The problem is that it is too easy to forward stuff. I feel like if it were harder, people would take a moment and ask themselves if the thing they are sending to their friends and former co-workers is really that funny and worth the effort. But they don't have to and I end up with another an inbox full of jokes I've heard before and government conspiracy theories I don't believe. Now, you may be saying that I could simply ask these people not to send me stuff like this anymore. And that is true, but I don't want to be rude. Besides, it is just as easy to erase the forwards without even reading them as it is to send them. (Not your forwarded chains, though. Those are always awesome and I would never think about not reading it.)

Anyway, it makes me wonder what is going on with the Internet when three separate people send me clips from some reality show I don't want to watch, and yet a video like the one below, which I would obviously be interested in seeing since it relates to my all-time favorite show from childhood, can float around the world wide web for close to a year before anyone brings it to my attention. It's like the people I worked with 10 years ago and haven't spoken to since barely know me anymore.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

A Hot Playlist

So, it was a bit hot today. Alright, more than a bit. It was about 95 degrees with a heat index that made it feel closer to 103. It was the kind of heat that makes it impossible to enter or exit a building without making an audible groan as you get blasted in the face with a wall of humidity that feels like someone's hot breath. Safe to say, things got a little sticky. Still, if you watched the news today you would have thought we've never had a hot day in this area. The first couple of segments were just man-on-the-street interviews featuring people saying it was hot. I don't like the heat more than most and even I found it excessive. And hold onto your remotes, because tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter.

With that in mind I thought we could use a little musical relief from the heat. The problem was I couldn't decide on just one. Thus, a playlist seems in order. Close the windows and turn it up loud enough to hear over the air conditioner. And for God's sake, don't go outside unless you have to.

Ignorance and Experience

The old proverb is that ignorance is bliss. I'm not sure I believe that. First off, I don't think ignorance is ever a good thing. Secondly, I feel like more people get hurt by things they are ignorant about versus enjoyment from them. I mean, if you don't know a stove is hot and put your hand on it, that isn't exactly a blissful moment. Instead, I think "Lack of first-hand experience with bad things is bliss". (Admittedly, my proverb is a little wordier.) Think about it like this: I know a stove can burn me, but at the same time I don't need to stick my hand onto a hot stove to make sure of it. I know enough to keep my distance and by doing that I should be fine. Knowing enough to keep my distance gives me bliss. I bring this up because I find that I worry about things I never thought about before happening to me more after they have happened for the first time. I never worried about my emergency brake causing me to fail my inspection before I bought this car because, even though I knew it was technically possible, I'd never heard of it happening to anyone. Now I actually expect it to happen before I leave my house.

I'll give you another example: A couple years back my dad and I were driving along in his truck when the tread blew off his tire. We were fine and it was a relatively harmless and quick fix, but it was still a pain in the ass. The bigger issue from that day is now I find myself wondering if my tire is going to explode whenever I hit a rough patch of road, even though my dad's tires were old and I just put new ones on my truck less than a year ago. You see, before being in a vehicle when the tire popped I didn't know what it sounded like or how the car would handle. Now I know what to look out for. I always knew tires could explode like that, but I never had the first hand experience. All of a sudden I have another thing to be aware of when I'm driving, which is annoying. And it brings us to today.

I was driving down the highway, stuck behind a couple of 18-wheelers. They were driving at matching speeds in the first and second lanes. I had been stuck behind them for a while and, as everyone knows happens when you drive behind the same one vehicle for too long, they were starting to piss me off. But, I couldn't get around them because to one side of me the cars were stuck in the same predicament and on the other every car behind me was getting the chance to merge over first. Not to mention my exit was only a couple miles ahead, so I decided to just suck it up.

Finally, the 18-wheeler to my right took his exit and I got a clearing. I slid into the right lane and picked up enough speed to pass. Just as I got equal with the cab of the remaining 18-wheeler I heard a loud bang. Because of my previous experience, I immediately assumed it was my tire. It wasn't - the 18-wheeler's tire had exploded, sending rubber all over the road while the tread landed where my truck had just been. (Keep in mind my windows were up, my A/C was blasting and my stereo was cranked and it was still so loud I thought my tire was the one that had popped.) I have to say, it was a bit of tremendous timing. So, really, I think there can only be two morals to this story: 1. Just because something happened once doesn't mean it will happen again, so stop worrying about it and 2. Some times I have to drive faster than the speed limit so I can pass cars and occasionally it's a good thing that I do. Massachusetts State Police, I just want you to keep that in mind.

The Mystery Prize

I'm a fan of shopping for big-ticket items. I really enjoy looking at items such as furniture, TVs and cars. (It should be noted that I did not saying buying big-ticket items, just shopping for them. Buying costs money, which is not nearly as much fun as only purchasing the items in your mind as that does not alter your bank account.) Even if someone else is going to look at stuff like this, I am always more than happy to tag along and do some window-shopping of my own. The only drawbacks is that I have somehow ended up on people's radars as a big-item shopper. This is probably why, even though I just bought a new car a few years ago and I am currently not in the market for another one, I got a mailing last week for a large sales event at a local dealership.

Inside the mailing was a scratch ticket. When I scratched the ticket off I was met with three identical symbols, which means I won something. I re-checked and then triple-checked the pictures to make sure they really were identical and sure enough, they were. Immediately, this made me skeptical. Those of you who know my history when it comes to this kind of thing knows I have terrible luck with scratch tickets. Giving me scratch tickets for my birthday is the same as giving me nothing, because I never win (appreciate the thought, though). So the fact that I won on a scratch ticket which arrived through the mail from some contest I don't remember signing up for was highly suspicious.

My concerns were verified when I read down to the legal-speak on the bottom of the page. Turns out odds of winning the grand prize was 1 in 13,300, which were the identical odds of winning the second, third and fourth-place prizes. Odds of winning one of the remaining 'Jackpot' prizes was 13,296 out of 13,300. Basically, everyone won something and most of the time it was the jackpot. So I won, but I didn't really win and therefore I planned to ignore the mailing and go about my life... However, the unknown factor was getting to me. I mean I wasn't positive I only won the jackpot prize. And even if I had only won the jackpot, that still carried a value of $49-$299. That covers a lot of ground. I mean, it could be anything.

Thus this afternoon my curiosity got the better of me and I drove to the dealership to claim my prize. Immediately I was swarmed by one guy who couldn't have been more of a car salesman stereotype if he had been trying. (Though, to avoid painting all car salesmen with a broad brush, it turned out it was also a Lakers fan, which could have been throwing my douche-bag meter off. As a die-hard Celtic fan I can always tell when a Lakers fan is nearby as my Spider-sense begins to tingle and I go on the defensive.) After taking my basic info about the car I was currently driving, he started to launch into the sales pitch about upgrading to a new Challenger. "It'll blow your socks off," he told me. "So will the payments," I replied. [Sidebar: I will say this, the new Dodge Challenger may have replaced the Escalade as the car I will buy if I ever win the lottery. Those things are amazing.]

Once he realised I am perfectly happy with my current car he sort of lost all interest in me. I almost felt bad for the guy because he's probably dealt with a bunch of people like me who only want to know if they won a new TV and have no intention of buying a new vehicle. That has to be frustrating as hell. But at least I was upfront about not wanting a new car, so he didn't have to waste 20 minutes of his life trying to sell me on something I was never going to buy.

Finally it was time to find out what I had won. Not surprisingly, I had won the prize that the other 13,296 people won, which turned out to be a free oil change and service inspection. Frankly, that was more than I expected. I was ready for it to be $49-$299 dollars worth of "dealership dollars" or some other such thing that wouldn't actually do me any good. With my curiosity satisfied I was able to leave with only a minimal attempt at trying to get me to change my mind about the Challenger. In the end I figure I got a sweet deal: I didn't have to sit through a long-winded sales-pitch and I got a free oil change out of the deal. Maybe my luck is starting to change when it comes to scratch tickets.

Local Issues

In a world in which people can carve out a career just by being the lone dissenting voice in the room, it seems as though every media pundit on TV can only agree on one thing: newspapers are dying. And while I agree that a lot of newspapers are having trouble figuring out how to merge their traditional print format with their websites and still make money off it, I think these pundits should take a moment and throw in a qualifier - most big-city papers are dying. Because, from where I sit it appears the local ones are thriving. It seems like every small town has a couple of newspapers that pump out an issue a week and they have no problem finding advertising revenue. You could make the case that is because most don't have a website and don't have to worry about people finding ways to get the same stories for free, but I think it comes from a far simpler explanation: people are more interested in what their neighbors are up to than what's happening a world away.

Much like with professional baseball, people are only concern about the local teams. When I worked in radio we had a national program smack dab in the middle of two local shows and it always killed our ratings. No one in Boston wants to hear an interview with the Kansas City Royals pitching coach. The same principle is true for local newspapers. No one in Newton cares about a noise ordinance for the bars in Worcester. If you want to have a successful local newspaper you need put most of your money in two department - obituaries and police log. People always want to know who in their town is dead and who got arrested.

Nowhere is people's nosey nature more evident than the local police log. Just check it out sometime; it's filled with entries such as, "Police were called because the neighbors thought there was a fight next door. Police investigated the home and discovered the noise was a fight on TV. Occupant was told to turn TV down." Over and over again the police are called out to check on something the neighbors thought they saw or might have heard because in actuality they just want the dirt on what is happening next door, but certainly aren't going to go and see what is going on for themselves. That would make them look like busybodies. (This is nothing more than a guess, but I would put the average age of people who call the police to report possible issues to be around 78.) Better to send the police to check it out and then get the real story later. It is like the cops in small towns are used to start all the really juicy gossip.

This week I read a local police log that was a perfect example of this. The first three entries were all people calling the cops because they thought there was a fight, a car accident and a robbery in progress, none of which turned out to be true. But, then this took the cake:

At 9:58 p.m. a caller reported that a 6-year-old child was screaming inside an apartment. An officer spoke to the parents, who said the child was upset because he did not like what was for dinner.

Seriously? You called the cops because your neighbor's kid was throwing a temper tantrum? This is the best use of police resources?

While I appreciate the urge to help and don't want people to hesitate about calling the police in an actual emergency, how about we make sure that there is really an emergency first? For future reference, I think we should all agree to take a minute and go in for a closer look before we run off to call the authorities when we hear a suspicious noise. In the end it may help free the police up for when they have to respond to a real emergency. It would be a shame if someone got away with a serious crime because police were too busy responding to a frantic call that someone was stealing the neighbor's dog and that someone turned out to be the new dog-walker. And yes, in case you were wondering, that was another item in the local police log. Told you - nothing like nosey, small-town America.

Getting The Breaks

This weekend was the British Open. Now, every year the weather is a big factor at this golf tournament because it always takes place during an English summer and the weather is constantly changing. One minute it is a wave of high winds and sideways rain, the next it is sunny and pleasant. As such, the guy who wins is not usually the one who plays the best, but the one who gets the best weather draw. Also, because there are so many guys playing it takes forever to get them all out there. The first group goes off at 6 AM and the final groups finishes around 7 at night. If you watched on Saturday while the guys were played the morning wave and then checked back in with the guys playing in the afternoon, you would never believe they were playing in the same country, let alone on the same course.

What amazes me the most about this phenomenon is that all these golfers, never known as a group willing to roll with things, are totally cool with it. Usually golfers complain loudly about every little thing wrong during a golf tournament, but not here. The guys who have to play in a hurricane just shrug their shoulders and say, "That's life" as they head home, while the guys who were able to play in the sun and no wind collect huge checks. I'm stunned no one has pushed for a format change. So, really, the winner shouldn't just be named 'Champion Golfer of the Year', but also 'Mr. Blue Sky'.

Weekly Sporties

-Every year ESPN goes all-out to try and make people watch the ESPYs. In the last couple of years they've started doing a pre-show red carpet broadcast and having the "SportsCenter" set out front of the theatre. Still, no one watches this show. It's starting to remind me of that one guy who goes all out for his yearly Christmas party, fully unaware that everyone in his office spends the day whining about how much they don't want to go and trying to figure out their excuses for leaving after an hour.

-In an attempt to get back to its Southern roots, NASCAR held their first-ever Sprint Cup Series race in Kentucky this week. While the race itself went off without much of a hitch, the same can not be said for the area around the track. Apparently, they weren't ready to handle all the cars that come with a sell-out crowd of nearly 200,000 people, resulting in a 20-mile traffic jam, spectators getting turned away because of full parking lots and people spending as much as six hours in their cars before they could leave once it was over. As such words like "logistical nightmare" are being thrown around. But, hey, they way I look at it they got lucky - NASCAR fans love cars. This was just extra bonding time.

-With the NFL lockout winding down (an agreement is expected within a week), people are beginning to look towards the free-agency frenzy that will erupt when teams try to cram four months of transactions into a one-week window. One of the big names out there is that of Randy Moss. Moss's agent claims that Randy is in 'freakishly' good shape for the upcoming season. That's got to make Patriot, Viking and Titan fans feel good. Being paid million last season wasn't enough motivation. Now Randy wants to prove he's still got it.

-Following last week's fight with a Baltimore pitcher, David Ortiz was suspended four games for charging the mound and throwing a couple of punches. Ortiz has since said he will appeal the suspension. Here is what I have always wondered when I hear about players appealing this kind of stuff: what, exactly, are you basing your defense on? The entire incident was captured on video for all to see at five different angles and in super-slow-motion. Everyone is well aware of what happened. It is not like you can introduce new evidence. I don't have high hopes for his suspension being reduced.

-Speaking of appeals and such, Roger Clemens's perjury trial was thrown out this week after just two days of court proceedings because the government lawyers repeatedly showed inadmissible evidence to the jury. It was a mistake that the judge said a first-year law student wouldn't make. This makes me believe that even the lawyers know what an annoying process this entire exercise has been and don't want to be a part of it anymore. I really hope the government doesn't decide to keep this waste of time and money going. However, I just want to make something clear to Roger Clemens: just because you weren't convicted it doesn't mean you won. You're still not getting into the Hall of Fame. As we all learned last week with the Casey Anthony verdict, when it comes to the court of public opinion 'not guilty' is not the same as 'innocent'.

-There is a rash of NBA players saying they would consider going to play overseas if the NBA lockout continues into next season. If I'm the owners, I totally call their bluff on this one. First off, there is a limit to the number of foreign-born players these teams are allowed to have. Secondly, these players would be looking at about 1/10th of their normal pay and that's only when the checks actually clear (which doesn't happen as often as you might think). Frankly, after a couple months of playing in high school gyms with crowds throwing batteries and fireworks at them, the players might finally realise how good they have it.

-In anticipation of the World Cup arriving in 2022, the country of Qatar has been busy building new stadiums. The problem is they are having some issues getting these indoor stadiums to cool enough. While 90 degrees indoors might seem like an improvement when the average temperature outside is 120, that is still too hot for a sporting event to take place. In response people have started to float some radical solutions such as playing 3, 30-minute periods instead of the normal 45-minute halves. Considering people are pretty sure that Qatar was only given the World Cup because they bought it, this kind of solution makes FIFA look even more idiotic. Just in case you're wondering what the scale is, when the place you have picked as the host of the premier event of your sport might need to change the rules that have been in place for 300 years, you made a dumb-ass decision.

Really, Doctor?

This afternoon I was reading an article about a new scientific study concerning people's ability to remember. Basically, the article was saying that with the rise of smart phones and the Internet being so easy to get to for people to find a quick answer, people have stopped actually learning facts if they don't feel they will be asked to remember them later. Basically, nobody remembers anything anymore unless they are worried about being tested on it. Their phone knows where the restaurant is, so why should they? (It is the death of the office know-it-all.) And I can't say this study is wrong. Honestly, I don't remember phone numbers anymore. If I didn't either learn it before the age of 20 or dial it so much that it became burned into my brain, then there is no chance in hell I'm going to be able to get in touch with you if I lose my phone. While I would hardly call this study a scientific break-through, that is not my main issue with the article. My problem is that I already heard this exact same rant a couple months back in a comedy bit.

Comedian Pete Holmes talked about this exact phenomenon on a Comedy Central special. He said that thanks to Google everybody knows everything, but no one actually knows anything. People may be able to tell you the answer to your question, but only because they looked it up on Wikipedia in ten seconds and not because they were smart or simply retained that information in their brain. Also, he said that a byproduct of this people were being robbed of that feeling you get when you are the only person in a room who knows that Tom Petty was born in Florida. (See, useless study? I remembered that entire comedy bit without even looking it up. Clearly, my brain remembers the really important issues.)

That aside, mostly this article makes me sad for the scientists of America. Is this really they best use of their time? Seriously, didn't we already know that people are becoming too dependent on their smart phones? Did we really need a full scientific study on this? There is some guy toiling away in a lab, desperately trying to find a cure for a horrible disease, but he can't get funding to finish his experiments. Meanwhile, these people got grant money to tell us we're too attached to playing Angry Birds. (Which reminds me, who exactly authorized this research grant? They must have just been blown away by technical terms and not ever gotten to the heart of the matter, otherwise there is no way they let this get approved.) It makes me wonder if the kid in charge of picking an experiment was up all night, didn't think of a good topic and was watching TV and decided to pass Holmes' bit off as an experiment.

I kind of hope that last one is the case, because it leads me to wonder what scientific mystery these researching are going to solve next. Are they going to go all "Super-Size Me" on us and do lots of research to tell us fast food is bad for our health? Or are they going to use more comedy bits as the basis for their research? If they do, do you think they could finally figure out just what the hell the Roadrunner is? What about solving the ancient mystery of who, exactly, is on first? You think I'm kidding, but I'm only half-joking. It's not like these people are making much better use of their time.

My Advertising Age

It's a well-known fact that advertisers try and target the audience who will most likely buy their products. They pour over TV ratings and demographics, attempting to get the most bang for their advertising bucks. That's why the network news programs, whose viewers average about 65 years-old and usually have higher incomes than most, are filled with commercials for exclusive retirement communities and cruises. I watch a lot of golf which targets older men and that means I'm well-versed in the world of luxury sedans, machines to fix your terrible drive and erectile dysfunction pills. But with the invention of the DVRs, more and more people are able to completely blow passed any and all commercials when they finally get around to watching their favorite shows when it suits them and not the network. Therefore it was only a matter of time before pinpoint advertising, like everything else these days, went viral.

I'm actually amazed at how many people out there don't realise the Internet browsers they use are keeping track of their search history. They think it is just a happy coincidence that yesterday they Googled 'pie recipes' and today all their side banners are filled with cookbook advertisements. Nope, your computer is keeping track of all the websites you look at, everything you browse for, everything you like on Facebook and pulling keywords out of your emails. For the most part this never bothered me all that much, because I go to the same 10 websites every day, so the advertisements I was getting shown were usually pretty spot-on. [Sidebar: if suddenly knowing that Big Brother is really watching you is disturbing, you can click on 'Tools' at the top of your browsers and there should be some sort of "Private" option that keeps your Internet history between you and the four walls.]

For example, you probably aren't shocked to learn that I do quite a bit of Googling and emailing concerning golf. As such I get not only ads for golf trips and equipment, but also the usually golf assumptions for luxury sedans and erectile dysfunction pills - just like on TV. While I'm not planning to need either in the near future, I have decided to simply chalk those banner ads up to coming with the territory. I don't even mind the more liberal of advertising assumptions, such as high-end wines and financial planning sites. However, lately the ads I've been getting thrown my way are making me start to wonder if someone else is coming in and using my computer when I'm asleep.

In the past couple of weeks I've started getting banner ads for background checks, divorce lawyers, cell phones and on-line schools - none of which are things I have emailed about or searched for. They aren't even close. It's like my computer thinks I went from being a retiree to a young street tough. Frankly, I'm not sure if I felt better when I thought my computer was keeping tabs on me instead of now, when I feel as though it has stopped looking at my browsers history and just began making wild assumptions about the things it thinks I will like. This is like when TiVo first came out and it would automatically record things it thought you wanted to watch, most of which were really off. (Honestly, TiVo, what made you think I wanted seven episodes of "Moesha"?) Worse than not knowing what I might actually be interested in, who is my computer sharing this bad information with?

Normally I avoid using the 'secret' browser option because I like to be able to go back and quickly find articles I was reading, but this sudden shift in the tone of my advertising choices has me rethinking that strategy. Maybe it would be better if the Internet didn't have any idea of what to show me for ads. Then again, given what it shows me when it thinks it knows what I like, that could be a dangerous proposition. Who knows what direction it will go in when it is forced to blindly guess on its own? I think the solution to my problem is obvious: someone needs to invent a program that acts like a DVR for the Internet and just blocks out the advertisers completely. That way, everybody wins. (Well, not the people in advertising, but who cares about them?)

Pick A Side

One of the biggest annoyances in entertainment comes when something can't decide what it wants to be. For example, there are movies out there which can't pick if they want to be a comedy or a drama, so they end up making a ton of jokes but then sprinkle in some darker moments. What this ends up doing is depressing all the movie goers who are no longer in a mood for laughter, it ends up ruining the rest of the jokes and no one leaves the theatre satisfied. You see this all the time with comedic actors who want to be taken more seriously. They want to do more dramatic roles, but can't bring themselves to abandon what made them famous and in the end this waffling between trying to be serious or funny just pisses off their old fans, doesn't make them any new ones and produces a string of terrible films.(Basically, Adam Sandler's career for the last decade.)

I couldn't help thinking about this last night as I tuned in to watch the opening ceremonies of the Major League Baseball All-Star Game (which is the only part I watch anymore). Now, I gave up on this game years ago because, much like a movie which can't choose a genre, the All-Star game doesn't know what it wants to be: it's half an exhibition for the fans which should just be enjoyed for the light-hearted competition it is. However, it simultaneously holds home field advantage in its hands and therefore should be taken very seriously for all involved. You can't have it both ways. In the end it ends up being neither and the indecision turns people away in droves, which was why it was no surprise that this year's game was the lowest rated in years.

The problem for the game starts with the rosters - every team has to be represented. That would be fine for an exhibition game, but what ends up happening is that some guy playing for the Houston Astros, who will not sniff the postseason this year, will end up effecting who gets the chance to set their line-up in the more advantageous way for the majority of the World Series. That's kind of a big deal. Also, fans get to vote for who the starters are which, again, would be just dandy if it were a popularity contest. But, All-Star selections used to mean something and are the first line when an athlete's career obituary is written. Either you were a 4-time All-Star or you weren't. It's not "He was a two-time legitimate All-Star and made the other two just on reputation." We need to decide: either the selections matter or they don't. I they don't, you can leave them in the hands of the fans. But if they do then they should be named by players and coaches only, at which point you'd like to hope they would take voting seriously.

People aren't even sure how the game should be managed. If you don't play everybody on the roster you're seen as ruining their All-Star appearance, but if you don't leave some people available should the game need to go extra innings then you are seen as not managing such a big game correctly. It is no wonder that so many players come up with fake injuries as a way to avoid going to the game.

No one person sums up the love/hate dichotomy of the All-Star game this year quite like Derek Jeter. When he was first named to the team, people were surprised because Jeter was actually having a very mediocre season. Everyone acknowledged that he only made the team because he plays for the Yankees and is probably skating in on reputation alone. However, it didn't really matter because this was for the fans and it doesn't really count. Then, Jeter announced at the last minute that he was skipping the game due to "exhaustion" from his 3,000 hit chase. (Jeter had just come off the DL and played a total of 6 games in a month, so I'm not sure how tired he could actually get.) Suddenly, the same people who didn't think he made it on merit were mad that he wasn't coming at all. Basically, they were saying, "You don't deserve to be here to begin with, so how dare you not show up?" But then Commissioner Bud Selig, who was the one who made the All-Star game decide home-field advantage for the World Series because he wanted the people involved to take it seriously, said he understood Jeter skipping the game and gave it his blessing. Another contradiction.

I think it is time that MLB abandons its plan of letting the winner of the All-Star game decide home-field advantage for the World Series and go all-in back to the exhibition side of the aisle. I think that provision was thrown in as a knee-jerk reaction to the 2002 All-Star game ending in a tie and making the event look unnecessary. (See what happens when Bud Selig makes hasty decision? Maybe we should all stop pushing him about instant replay.) Baseball teams play a gruelling 162-game season, let the team with the best record be the ones who get home-field, as they should. And let the All-Star game go back to being just an exhibition; a fun game to reward the players that have had either a good year or stellar career. I still won't want to watch the game, but at least I'll be more secure in how I feel about it.

The "Be Ready" Campaign

Over the past couple of years, I have somehow ended up on the mailing list of roughly 100 golf newsletters. Because of this I am constantly getting bombarded by the newest literature from the PGA Tour, which means this month I have been reminded numerous times that the next time I go to the golf course I should "Play It Forward." You see, golf courses are being hit particularly hard during the bad economy and they are trying all sorts of ways to get people to play more golf. (Well, almost all sorts of ways. The high-end courses are not about to do anything crazy like lower the price of a round of golf. That would be silly.) Anyway, the idea behind the "Play It Forward" campaign is that out of ego and pride, people are playing from tees which are too far back and we would all have more fun (and speed the game up for everyone involved), if players would simply hit from tees which are better suited for their abilities.

First off, this is never going happen. No guy is going to play from what have been known for 300 years as the 'Ladies Tees'. Our egos simply won't allow it. That ship has sailed and as such the idea is a non-starter. Plus, at the end of the day it's one shot. What about the 3, 4 or more shots that follow that tee shot on any given hole? Also not going to fly is the idea that rounds should be shortened to 12 holes. I don't care that Jack Nicklaus is the one who put it out there, it's not going to happen. Besides, I don't think chopping 6 holes off is going to make a big difference, because I don't think the time it takes to play those holes is the problem anyway. Instead, I have my own idea that I want the PGA Tour to get behind which I think is going to help speed up play. It's called "Be Ready When It's Your Turn."

The concept came to me on Saturday when I was playing golf on the Cape. At first I was happy the people ahead of me weren't ready to go when it was their turn because they had a group of four going off and as a single I was going to be waiting behind them all day long. But then one guy from the group was running late and I was able to go off before them, enjoying three holes of waiting-free golf before running into the threesome ahead of me. This was where the "Be Ready" campaign first came into my head.

I like to think I play golf like a normal person: I think about the shot I have to hit while on my way to it, make a decision about what club to use before I even get to my ball and swing quickly once I get there. Too often I think people out playing a Saturday round think they are one step away from being on the pro circuit. As such they agonize over every shot like it could be the one that propels them to the Masters, when that is far from the reality of the situation. Let's be honest, when you are 12-over through six holes, does it really matter whether you hit your 5-iron or 6? Just hit it already.

For six holes I had to wait while the woman in the group ahead of me would come out and inspect her lie, then walk off a distance, go back to the cart and choose a club, come out and take a practice swing, walk back to the cart to get a different club, only to chunk her shot 20 yards, walk slowly back to her cart, make sure everything was in its proper place before driving the 60 feet to her ball and then repeating the process. Not surprisingly, my 3-hole buffer from the group behind me was gone by the 7th hole.

Fortunately, that threesome was only playing nine holes. But, lest you think I'm picking on that one group, it also happened later. On one hole I came around the corner to find the twosome in front of me sitting in their cart, just having a chat. Their shots were in the fairway, but they didn't appear to be in any great rush to get to them and were more interested in finishing their discussion first. It was ridiculous.

So, with that in mind, here are the basic principles of the "Be Ready" campaign:
-Pick a club and go with it.
-Pay attention to the group ahead of you and play once they are out of range.
-Remember that the outcome of your game doesn't really matter.
-You can say "Hold on a second", play your shot, then finish your conversation.
-If you don't want to do these, at least let the people who do play through.

Those principles are what I think is going to help speed up play at the local courses, not playing fewer holes or from closer tees. I think if we all just stopped acting like how we play really matters then we can all relax and have a lot more fun out there. (Oh, and if you wanted to lower the price of 18 holes, that wouldn't be such a bad thing either.)

Random Ramblings...

Thoughts collected during three and a half days without Internet...

-The other night I was getting gas and paid with a $50 bill. The attendant ran that special pen they have over it to make sure it was not a forgery. (Sleep well, America: the guy working the 1 AM shift at the local gas station is the last line of defense against counterfeit money.) Still, it got me to thinking: how come I've never gotten a $50 bill that already has that line on it? I get money with random scribbles on it all the time, so why not that line? Does that special 'it's a real $50' ink fade away?

-Speaking of the guy working the night shift at the gas station - if you ever want to see an eclectic group of people, go to fill your tank after midnight. It's this weird collection of drunks who can't find their gas tanks, bad drivers who should only be on the road when there are as few other cars as possible, delivery people who are driving long distances and one random car with a family on a road trip (seriously, there is always one). It is a group of people that would never in a million years come together on their own. Then again, I was part of this group, so what does that say about me?

-Last week there was an anti-helmet motorcycle rally. This group of bikers were protesting because they don't think there should be helmet laws and that the government has no place in telling them how to ride. During the rally, one of the bikers lost control of his bike, crashed and died.... after suffering a head injury. Also, according to doctors he would have lived had he been wearing a helmet. You know, every now and again it's nice to be reminded that God has a sense of humor.

-Speaking of bikes (only it's the pedal kind this time), I was down at the beach and saw the local mountain biking store was moving to a new location, one which I can only assume is smaller and not in such a prime location. This got me to thinking: do mountain bike stores ever stay in business? I know that in this day and age small stores can come and go in a flash, but I feel as though bike stores have an even-shorter-than-normal shelf life. They always opens with a flourish and then are gone within 4 months. How do they keep getting the banks to give them money? Are they lying about what kind of store it is going to be? Because at this point I doubt a bike shop would even get funding.

-Saturday night I was in the mood for Chinese. So, after I eat I'm having my fortune cookie and the note inside reads: "You are lucky. You should buy lottery tickets." The restaurant was just a couple store fronts down from a convenience store that had a sign on the door about all the winning lottery tickets they have sold. Frankly, it seemed too convenient. The entire thing had me wondering if it was coincidence or the store is trying to drive business its way by being in cahoots with the Chinese restaurant. Either way, someone was killed at that particular convenience store a few years back (ironically, they had the lotto machine dropped on their head during a fight) which has led to that store being dubbed, "The Cumberland Farms of Death". I certainly wasn't about to buy anything from there, no matter what the cookie told me.

A Summery Interlude

If you just go by the calendar, it's officially been summer for about 20 days. However, it hadn't really felt like summer. I think that had to do with the weather: up until the last few days it hadn't really been hot. The days had been nice, but not that summer heat. It felt more like spring than summer. But, this past week gave us a stretch of days in the high-80s and low-90s, meaning it finally feels like summer around here. So, because of that we're breaking out one of my favorite summer jams. Normally I would tell you to roll down the windows and crank up the volume, but have you been outside lately? It's so damn hot. Leave the windows closed, I've got the A/C going.

Weekly Sporties

-Back in February, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams sent his girlfriend a Valentine's Day care package: $5,000 for school and dental bills, a signed baseball for her brother (again, Roy plays football, so I don't know why he didn't sign one of those), along with a $76,000 engagement ring and a taped marriage proposal. (I really want to know if it was VHS or DVD.) You may find this hard to believe, but the former Miss Texas he was dating was not blown away by this romantic gesture and turned down the proposal. At the time Williams told her to keep the ring, assuming she would come around. A couple weeks later, when she still hadn't changed her mind Roy asked for the ring back, at which point the woman said she lost it. Williams, who once famously said he didn't believe in tipping because people shouldn't be rewarded for simply doing their jobs, then sued the family for the cost of the ring, at which point it magically reappeared. Who says romance is dead?

-After the lockout went into effect last week, the NBA went viral on their own websites, removing all images of current players from team pages. Yeah, that'll show 'em. Good thing we're focusing on the important issues here. We'll be lucky if there is pro basketball by January... of 2013.

-Yesterday Pyeongchang, South Korea was officially awarded the 2018 Winter Olympics. Now, never having been there, I'm not about to comment on the validity of the city's victory. What was more shocking to me was only three cities even tried to get the games. If I didn't know any better I would think the Olympics are a costly burden on the people and the government of the host country and rarely, if ever, managed to end up being worth it in the end. There was talk of Boston eventually trying for an Olympic games. Let me go on record as saying, thanks, but we'll pass.

-Last weekend was a bizarre TV weekend for me, as I watch all sorts of sports I never normally watch. First of all, I've found myself watching a lot of the Women's World Cup as I love anything when National Pride is on the line. Here's the thing I noticed: these girls play rough. Now, girls being tough is not a new concept to me but what I couldn't get over was how much the refs were letting them play. People were being taken down left and right with fouls rarely being called and flops going unrewarded. It made me want to show the tape to men's soccer. When the girls are putting up with more contact than you are, that proves your sport has a serious issue.

-After the soccer I switched over to the Wladimir Klitschko/David Hayes fight. I'm not much of a boxing fan, but heavyweights are usually enough to get me interested. Now, unlike most fights, this one was on basic HBO and not pay-per-view and thank God for that one. Because personally I would have been pissed if I paid for this awful fight. (Instead I only lost time of my life I will never get back.) After weeks of talking, Hayes spent the entire fight running, ducking, flopping and eventually losing to Klitschko. This was billed as the fight that was going to restore interest in boxing. Instead, I'm pretty sure it reminded everyone just how far the sport has fallen.

-The other odd sport I watched last weekend was the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Admittedly, this is only marginally a sport and gets most of its viewership out of some level of morbid curiosity. Anyway, here's what confuses me about these people: I can't tell if they know we're laughing at them and not with them. Some of the casual competitors had these very long introductions, which you could tell they wrote just to get laughs and were not taking themselves or the event too seriously. But then they switched to the "professionals" and the entire tone changed. I get the general vibe that those guys are the same people who refuse to admit professional wrestling is staged.

-On Sunday, Frenchman Thomas Levet won the French Open, his nation's national championship. To celebrate the victory (the first French Open victory by a Frenchman in years), Thomas and his caddy jumped into a nearby lake. Unfortunately, during the landing Levet suffered a small fracture in his shin and was forced to withdraw from the upcoming British Open, which he had just qualified for. Now, Levet is ranked roughly 300th in the world, so it's not like he was a threat to win the Open. However, this is just another nail in the coffin of me trying to prove to people that golf is a real sport. I mean, the winner of a major golf event can't even jump into water correctly? You're killing me guys, you really are.

Extreme Recycling

As anyone with a GMail account can attest, they have little news feeds and ads just above your emails, which you can customize depending on what sites you want to hear from and keywords that Google grabs from your emails. One of the feeds they give you (whether you want it or not) is the "Recycling Tip of the Day". Because of this site, I now know that there is no limit to the number of times aluminum can be recycled, which is a handy piece of information to have in this age of increased awareness. I'm sure if I wanted to I could figure out a way to get rid of that recycling feed, but I'm just eco-friendly enough that I think it is useful.

You see, I wouldn't say that I am fanatical about it, but I do my best to recycle. I make sure plastic bottles are in a separate container, my old newspapers don't just get thrown away, and I always look for the recycling container when I'm on the street. But, that is about as far as I go. I'm not about to be one of those people who feels like I am failing Mother Earth just because I don't like biodegradable toilet paper. However, in the past couple of weeks I have seen some people going above and beyond to reuse what is at their disposal.

The first example happened down at the beach. Originally, the guy who was hired to construct the new deck was also in charge of taking down the old deck and getting rid of it. The thing is, the old deck wasn't really attached to anything - which is why it ended up in the neighbor's yard following the famous 'No Name Storm' that hit the Cape. After that we bolted it to the house, but didn't take the time to bury the legs. So, if you had the patience to undo a few bolts you could pick the thing up and put it anywhere if you were so inclined. And, apparently, one of these guys was so inclined. A few of them got together and picked the deck up as a group, took it down the street to this guy's house and attached it there. No need for a perfectly good deck to go to waste, I guess.

Then, the other night I was going out to dinner and wanted to go to this Italian restaurant I hadn't been to in a couple of years. As can often happen with restaurants, we pulled in to discover it was no longer in business. But, in place of the old Italian restaurant was... an Italian restaurant. Well, I was craving pasta, so we figured we would give it a shot and went inside. Turns out it is exactly the same as the old place: same layout, same tables, even some of the same staff. I'm pretty sure the only things the new owners changed were the menus and the sign out front. Now, on the one hand, I commend them for consistency and also making the best of out what was left to them. However, I feel the need to point out that they are following the business model of a place that is no longer in business.

You know, I had heard of recycling cars, clothes, computers, books, and Hollywood has shown us you can even recycle ideas. But, until the last couple of weeks I never would have imagined you could recycle a deck and a restaurant. It just goes to show if you put your mind to it, you can pretty much recycle anything.

Status Symbols

Everyone has different definitions of luxury - the one thing they feel is how they will let themselves (and, by extension, everyone else) know that they have reached a certain level in their lives. You can tell what that luxury item is to someone by how they complete the following sentence, "If I ever won some money, after I paid all my bills and put away some savings, the first thing I would do is go out and by myself a _____." Some people think that a nice house is how they will know they have "made it". Others think a vacation home or a couple of lavish trips a year are the best way to spend their money. Still others want to have a specific brand of vehicle in their driveway.

That last one is the most common. A lot of people feel as long as they have a fill-in-the-blank luxury-brand car, they can considered themselves successful. And, often times, they are willing to compromise on some of the details to get it. Because, let's be honest, if all you want is a specific brand of car, you can rearrange a few things around and get one. You could buy a slightly used model, lease one or have a ridiculously high monthly payment and sacrifice in other areas of life. When I was right out of college I remember seeing people working the same job as me, driving luxury cars. I knew how much they made, so I knew damn well they couldn't really afford it. I also knew they didn't care. They might have been living in a one-bedroom studio with a shared bathroom in a condemned building but, dammit, at least they drove an Porsche.

I was thinking about this concept of fudging around with details to still technically meet your personal definition of luxury yesterday as I was driving down a nearby street at dusk and a neighbor's sprinkler system came on. An underground sprinkler system is another one of those things that people, especially dudes who like toys such as myself, might see as a way of letting people know you made it. And clearly the person who lives there feels like this because you could tell they really wanted one, even thought it was totally unnecessary. Because, you see, it wasn't so much a sprinkler 'system' as much as one sprinkler in the center of the yard that had enough range to get the entire yard.

Still, you just know that fact doesn't matter to this guy. When he talks about this thing, he just says he has an automatic sprinkler system, damn the specifics of how many sprinklers it actually consists of. At the end of the day it is a sprinkler that he can turn on in his house, which doesn't require getting out any hoses, and when it's done disappears back underground. So, technically, he's not lying. Still, it's a little like joining "Country Club on Cape Cod" that is really neither a Country Club, nor actually "on" Cape Cod. I mean, what kind of weirdo would do something like that?

Getting Crankier

You know, I've never really thought of myself as a complainer; more like an observer with slant towards the snarky. I may not like something, but the majority of the time I am willing to just live with it. Rare are the times when I dislike something enough to let the people in charge of it know what is on my mind. Usually, I roll with it until I get home and then make all sorts of smart-ass comments about it. It might not help to improve service, but at least with that method the people running the place never had to feel bad about their operation because they wouldn't know what I really thought. I certainly would never return food at a restaurant and risk it coming back with a healthy dose of saliva. Complaining just wasn't worth it. At least, that's how I used to be.

I'm starting to worry I'm becoming more of a complainer as I get older. I'm noticing the ability to let people know about my dissatisfaction appears to be at an all-time high. For years every time I had some kind of problem with a computer program and it would generate one of those "We've made a report about this, would you like us to send it in?" boxes would pop up, I would always ignore it and just try to get back to whatever I was working on. But lately when a program crashes I tend to hit send. I want whoever made this thing to know it is not working as well as I would like it to and I would appreciate some kind of fix to be worked on. The days of simply being internally annoyed are over.

A perfect example of this happened just the other day, as I was trying to give directions down to the beach house. My friend was trying to find it online, but it turns out that the street the house is on has been incorrectly labeled as Belmont Avenue, not Street. (If you've ever been on Belmont Street you can understand why it might be glossed over. With a total of six houses on the entire road, it is not the kind of place that demands great attention.) Now, normally I would just find the street on the map, figure out the directions for myself and send them to my friend. But, for some reason I felt compelled to let Google Maps know of this oversight (and immediately felt like a dick for doing so).

I really hope this doesn't become a trend for me. When I worked in customer service there was nothing I disliked more than a complainer. I just hated the people who felt the need to make a big deal out of the fact that they had been marginally inconvenienced (and, considering that is what 95% of people do when you work in customer service, it is no surprise I did not stay in that profession for long). I really don't want to become one of them. Maybe I'm getting crankier as I get older, or maybe the heat is getting to me. Just know that if you ever see me get to the point that I'm sending food back at a restaurant, you should feel free to slap me upside the head.

July 4th Ramblings

-Is there anything more disgusting than hot dog juice? I don't think I have a particularly weak stomach (A picky stomach? Sure. But not weak.) and yet something about that stuff makes me just gag. I can't wash my hands fast enough when some of it spills.

-Yesterday I was walking with my nieces in the annual doll carriage parade through Norwood center. Now, I love this parade, but it's always a bit of a cluster because trying to get a couple hundred people to do anything in an organized fashion is going to be really hard, never mind when it's a couple hundred kids. With that being said, this year seemed more disorganized than normal. For example, at one point we had to stop at the top of a hill because I'm not totally sure they gave the police enough of a warning that we were starting to make sure the traffic coming down the street was stopped (kind of an important detail in a parade). Still, I would never voice these concerns out loud because the greatest fear about any type of local event is that you will be roped into running it. So, yeah, great job everybody.

-Alright, twist my arm for one more comment: to the guy wearing the 'parade official' shirt: you know that it's just a shirt, right? It doesn't come with any special powers or actual authority. Much like my Patriots sideline jacket doesn't make me a special teams coach, you can't actual expect any adult to do what you say just because you put your arm up. You're like one step below a bouncer at a crappy local bar.

-I'm not a big classical music guy, so admittedly I don't see the Boston Pops perform all that much. Still, I feel as though I have to ask: is Keith Lockhart particularly necessary? I assume to become a member of the orchestra you need to be an astounding musician, so do you really need someone there to tell the pace for the 1812 Overture? I would think most of the people up there could play it in their sleep. Whenever I watch him I think back to Rick Pitino coaching the Celtics and trying to coach professionals the same way he used to coach college kids, reminding them to do things they already knew. After a while the team stopped listening because they didn't need to be told to run the clock down for the last shot of a quarter. I just picture some guy playing the oboe and looking up a Keith, thinking, "Oh, this is when my part comes in? Just like the 1,500 other times I've played this piece? Thank God you're here to tell me."

-I haven't attended the big, local parade in years, but that doesn't mean I won't check in on it on the local public access channel. Now, for some reason we not only have Norwood public access, but several other towns' as well. So, as I was flipping trying to find the Norwood parade I landed on some other town's coverage of their parade, which featured a large marching band. In the band was a bass drummer (as you would expect). The only thing was this bass was on a stand with wheels. The guy didn't have to carry it on his stomach like most drummer, but instead could push it along. That feels like cheating to me. I was left wondering if he's seen as the black sheep of the marching band community.

-I tweeted this yesterday, but couldn't expand on my point thanks to the 140 character limit: if you use Katy Perry's "Firework" during your firework display it tells me you put exactly zero effort into coming up with the music for your show. It would be the equivalent of playing "Love Stinks" at an anti-Valentine's Day party; shows a complete lack of originality. I mean, at least try and put some thought into the music. You already know to end with the 1812 Overture, so the hard part is done. Just show me that you have a little bit of pride about your work and spend more than 10 seconds thinking up the playlist.

Happy 4th of July!

Just wanted to take a minute
and wish everyone out there a
Safe & Happy 4th of July!

Hope you're making the most of the day off!

Now, last year I included a video of the Boston Pops performing the 1812 Overture, along with fireworks. I was going to just show the same video, but then I found this version of the Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra. Not only are the fireworks a little cooler (can't see the city of Boston letting any one do that off the Hatch Shell), but there is something very amusing to me about a Chinese orchestra performing a song written to commemorate a Russian victory which has been adopted as an unofficial anthem of America's Independence Day. Feels very inclusive. Enjoy.

Slow To Come Around

On more than one occasion I've mentioned that I'm slow to embrace popular trends. I just worry if I actually like something because it's good or because I'm bowing to peer pressure. So to fight this if someone tells me I have to watch something because everyone else is watching it I'm probably going to hate it just to be contrary. However, the flip side of that is by the time I do finally come around to something (usually just as it's becoming unpopular) I'm fiercely loyal to whatever that thing may be. Once I like something because I actually enjoy it, I dive in with gusto and become annoyingly stubborn about sticking with it. For example, if I ever join Facebook (extremely unlikely, but go with me on this), I'll have 1,000 friends, a huge spread on Farmville and win Mafia Wars within a week. It's just how I work.

As such it should be no surprise that I'm currently obsessed with Adele. Adele first came to prominence a couple years ago, but has really become popular in America the last few months. Therefore, as you would expect, I wasn't interested in listening to her. But now that I've come around on her, I'm all in. I've pretty much had her latest album on repeat for the last week and a half. So, the other day when I was reading that story about how far MySpace has fallen and thought about the way people fall in and out of love with things so fast these days, the musical interlude for the week kind of picked itself.