Fast & Furious Fanboys

As a guy who loves movies, I can totally understand it when a person get wrapped up in a specific film or series. It's all about putting your imagination back in control and letting yourself be a kid again for a few hours. I mean, I'm not about to dress like a wizard to go and see a movie, but I can get why people do. I'm sure to them the guy who paints his face before going to a Patriots game is crazy. Besides, without those people we wouldn't have Comic-Con every year and that event looks like a crazy good time. And in the end, who are they hurting (outside of their own social skills)? I figure as long as they remember to turn their light-sabers off when the previews are over and keep the geeking out to a minimum, we'll get along just fine. It is only when they start to get in my way that I have a problem. That is why I am more than happy to coexist with the "Harry Potter", "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" fanboys, but have a real problem with the fans of a certain movie franchise - "The Fast & The Furious".

Thanks to these movies everybody driving $1,200 worth of Honda Civic thinks it's a fantastic idea to drop $10,000 worth of electronics and body work into these cars and then drive them down the highway like they are in a race no one else was told had started. Every time one of these films comes out a new wave of these cars shows up on the highway and nearly causes a huge wreck because while the "Harry Potter" crew is willing to concede they won't ever actually be able to fly, "The Fast & The Furious" morons can't seem to grasp the concept that all the driving on-screen was being done by professionals on closed roads and therefore everyone was paying attention, unlike the the actual highway, where 75% of the people are on their phones.

Even worse than the people who spend their life savings to pimp out their Kia are the ones who can't afford to, but still want people to treat them like street racers and do their upgrading incrementally. Somehow, that just makes it seem sadder. I was next to one of these morons today. Sitting at a red light, I was able to hear him coming up behind me well before I saw him, as he had done something to make his engine much louder than it needed to be. Before he got to the light he shot over one lane and cut off an 18-wheeler (no turn signal, of course), letting me know just how bad a driver he was. Now he was next to me at the light and even though I had my windows closed I could hear his shitty music better than my own. Then he started to open and close his driver's side door to check something. Given the state of his car, I assume it was to make sure his bumper hadn't fallen off since he left his house.

Allow me to describe his vehicle to you: it appeared to be an early 2000 Honda and it was approximately 5 different colors (I couldn't see the other side, which may have resembled a Jackson Pollock painting). His door was white, his hood was red, the front panel was grey, and the rest of the car had both blue and black patches. Much like how people paint small squares of several colors on a wall to see how they will look once they are dry, it appeared as though this guy couldn't pick which one he wanted to go with yet. Of course, the back seat was one giant sub-woofer and the car had a spoiler. The high bass in his musical selection screamed "Look at me", which is ironic because if I had been behind the wheel of this piece of crap I would have wanted to remain as invisible as possible. As the driver continued to open and close his door to check on whatever he was concerned about I made the mistake of looking over to take in this eclectic car, which was when I did the one thing I really didn't want to do: I made eye contact with him.

Dammit, now in this idiot's head we were racing.

He quickly gave me a nod, as if agreeing to some kind of wager I didn't make. But before I could get my hands up to wave him off or politely decline his invitation, he turned away, gave the traffic light his full attention and revved his engine. Oh well, I sat there and hoped this guy would enjoy the race against himself, because I wasn't playing. But, then the funniest thing happened - the light turned green, his engine made a ton of noise, I pulled forward at a normal pace... and I smoked him without even trying. Apparently, his engine was really loud, but didn't actually make his car any faster. This just made his vehicle seem even sillier, which I hadn't thought was possible.

So, just a word of advice to anyone out there who fancies themselves a street racer: before you buy the spoiler and the 19-speaker stereo, perhaps you should make sure your engine actually works. Not only will this prolong your racing career, but it will make sure you don't get smoked by random Mercury Mountaineers at red lights who aren't even racing you. Besides, if you don't take care of the engine first you'll find yourself having to take the bus and even the "Harry Potter" kids will make fun of you for that.