Out Of The Flu

As everyone knows, this year has already been the really bad for the flu. Reports of people going to the hospital with 'flu-like' symptoms are ten times higher than they were at this time last year. (By the way, I find the term 'flu-like symptoms' to be maddeningly vague. Technically, there are about 100 diseases which share the same initial signs as the flu. I'm not sure people should count towards a flu total until they are diagnosed with it.) Still, some city hospitals are so overrun they have begun turning people away. In fact, it has been so bad in Boston that this afternoon Mayor Tom Menino declared a public health emergency. That sounds really bad, but the problem is that I don't actually know what it means. I'm pretty sure the National Guard isn't going to be rolling in with haz-mat suits on like some horror movie but that only eliminates one possibility and leaves a lot of open space for people to let their imagination run wild concerning an answer. As near as I can tell the Mayor is advising sick people to stay at home and everyone to get a flu shot if they haven't already. That doesn't sound like an emergency so much as a public health advisory. Plus, I hear that same thing every flu season and redundancy really removes any sense of urgency from an announcement.

I have to admit I haven't been paying a lot of attention to stories about the flu because it seems like we have a virus sweeping the nation every year - the only thing which changes are the names of the disease. If it's not the regular flu it's the Bird Flu and if it's not the Bird Flu it's SARS. At some point you just become numb to the fear-mongering. Of course, my apathy towards this story probably also stems from the fact for years I have felt like the flu shot is a scam because after getting one you can still get the flu. In fact, the worst flu I ever had was the one year I decided to take everyone's advice and get myself a flu shot. I understand that the way immunizations work is by giving you a watered-down version of that disease to make your body get used to fighting it, but apparently my sample wasn't watered-down enough. Trying to avoid getting any flu in you in the first place feels like a smarter plan. Doctors also try to convince you to get the shot by saying an immunization will lessen the length of the illness should you still get the flu, which doesn't seem like much consolation at the time. That is like getting your foot run over by a truck and the doctor trying to cheer you up by pointing out your other is ok - not really what you are focused on at the moment.

I guess the other problem I have with it is that every other immunization you get throughout the course of your life we are told will prevent us from ever getting that disease. I just find it weird that we only need one shot for tuberculosis which lasts our entire lives and yet a flu shot may not ever work. It just doesn't feel like we put the best medical minds on the case, is all I am saying. But, they clearly don't need any public relations or marketing help because the flu shot industry stays in business despite the fact that I can't imagine any other product working this way. If you bought a car detailing kit which marketed itself as paint protection, except it was actually only about 80% guaranteed to protect your car's finish and using it could actually strip all the paint off your car you would never buy that product. Yet somehow the medical community skates by without actually coming up with a cure. That is why I remain convinced the entire flu epidemic has been cooked up by the people who sell ginger ale and crackers, two products I rarely see people buying together unless they are also buying Kleenex, who are the real puppet masters of the whole thing. What I don't understand is why they don't just drop the charade, team up with Campbell's Chicken Soup and make a 'flu care package' kit because I'm pretty sure they would already be sold out in most stores.

The only good part about this latest round of flu stories is that it has also brought around something I really enjoy, which is finding out how people act when they are sick. Honestly, drunk or sick are the only times people who are only pretending to be nice don't have the energy to keep up the act, so you really get a window into their true colors. Another interesting fact which comes out around this time is what people like as their personal home remedy, which can also be rather revealing. Ask 10 sick people what they are doing to fight their ailment and you will get roughly 10 different answers. Some people swear by soup and "NCIS" marathons, as if Mark Harmon has magical healing powers (admittedly, he might). Others take enough medication to stop a charging rhino, hoping to sleep through the entire ordeal and wake up next week. Of course, the hippies take the all-natural route and think by sucking on the roots of the plants they grew in their backyard they will be healed faster, because that is how the Native Americans did it. [Sidebar: I would be with people who choose this route except I've been in a hospital and seen a Native American getting treated. If they have accepted modern medicine than I think it is time we all do.] Personally I'm a Triscuit, Gatorade and movie man and the more action-packed and thoughtless the movie, the better. Perhaps that is what Mayor Menino meant by a health emergency - all the Red Boxes are out of copies of "Taken 2". Now that would be something which would really constitute a state of emergency.