Speaking With One Voice

When people learn that I used to work in radio, many of them assume I got out because I no longer liked the industry. That is not it at all - I was fascinated by it all and would have loved to keep pursuing it as a career but the simple fact of the matter is my timing sucked. I got into the radio right around the great crash when big communication companies discovered that they could consolidate their management down until they had one guy doing the same job at all four stations they owned. Soon they started whittling down the staff as much as they could and before too long there weren't enough jobs to go around. Also around this time many smaller stations decided they just couldn't keep up with the well-funded stations and before too long there were no more stations to work for, as evidenced by the time I got laid from two separate radio jobs in five days. It probably also didn't help that right out of college I made the mistake of working for a radio station which had a really bad signal. You see, there are plenty of jobs where the main aspect of your operation can under-perform and you will still manage to work around it enough to be productive for that day. Radio isn't like that because if you have a terrible broadcasting signal it sinks the whole operation. No one like listening to a crappy signal and if no one is listening there are no callers to keep the discussion rolling and if the discussion is not rolling along than you may as well go home. Of course, now I am realizing that our biggest failure as employees may have been that we weren't devious enough to realize that if there are no callers we could have invented them.

Making my way around the internet this afternoon I somehow managed to stumble upon an article in which a woman claimed to be a professional radio show caller. An under-employed voice actor, the woman had used her skill set to keep radio stations interesting for years and has made a pretty good living doing it. Basically she spends her morning going over scripts she gets from radio call-in shows from around the country and then her afternoons are spent calling those shows pretending to be a local concerned citizen. Sometimes she would call in an agree with the hosts, others she would be asked to say something totally controversial and rile up other listeners. Not only does this tactic allow the shows to act as though they are quite popular with local listeners, it gives the hosts of those shows an opportunity to use these calls to further their discussion. For example, let's say a conservative talk show wanted to talk about how awful they believe Obamacare is. One tactic this woman might take would be to call in and talk about how she tried to sign up through the website but was unable to get coverage. Now the hosts can use her call as a way to further strengthen their case by asserting that there are a lot of people out there who agree with them. It's not the kind of thing anyone would ever spend the time to check into, so the fact it was total bullshit would be irrelevant. The other things she might do would be call in and say she tried to sign up and everything went perfectly. This would mobilize the people who agree with host to call in and tell them she had to be the exception to the rule. Either way, the phone lines would be lit up and that is all radio shows want.

Part of me was obviously annoyed reading this story because it is just another example of an industry which is supposed to be above this sort of thing lying to us. Audience plants are a showbiz staple going back to the first magic shows, but for some reason I thought talk radio was above this kind of thing. Learning they are no better than a hack comedian feels exactly the same as when I learned the Discovery Channel had begun airing staged stories and presenting them as real. I felt cheated and deceived. But, after thinking it over for a few minutes I was almost relieved. Often I will accidentally land on some of these call-in shows and stop for a minute to hear the host's opinion on a matter. But before I can change the channel I will hear a listener's opening point and these ideas are often so insane I nearly drive my car off the road because I share a species with these people. That is why I am comforted to know not all of them really believe this stuff, they are just actors reading a script. They don't believe these ideals any more than the people in commercials need the medications they are selling. Having that knowledge in the back of my brain to lean on makes it a little better. Sure, there is still one messed-up guy behind the scenes who probably believes the things he is asking others to say but I can sleep better at night if it is just the one crazy guy rather than an army of them. Besides, if he isn't confident enough to speak for himself than the movement probably won't gain much momentum.

Still, I can't shake the feeling that these people should not be necessary. Doesn't every town have at least one nut in it? You know, the kind of person who corners coworkers in the break room to tell them how the world is screwing them over, to the point everyone gets excited when they have the day off because it feels like a day off for everyone? Those people always assume the world wants their opinions, so you would think the appeal of an open phone line and any kind of amplification system would be enough to get them to call in all the time. I don't care how small your station's listening radius is should still be at least a few of these unstable people who want to call in and give their opinions - it's just a matter of not letting them on too much. Also, it should be noted that no one gets through right away, which means the people who have the time to call also have time to sit on hold for an hour. Trust me, if these people had better things to do they would be doing them. They say the reason the political discussion in this country has gotten so extreme is because the people who are moderates are too busy with life to attend a rally. So, the fact these people are willing to wait for hours for 2 minutes of mostly-anonymous fame shows how desperate they are for attention and you can't replicate that kind of commitment. Honestly, aren't those people crazy enough for you that you shouldn't also have to feed them talking points? Remember that crazy ideas, just like mashed potatoes, are much better when they aren't faked.