What If I Just Tell You What I Don't Want?

Despite what people may think given my food history, I actually like Mexican food. (Really, what is not to like about food made mostly of tortillas, cheese, meat and lettuce?) The thing is that I like mild Mexican food and my idea of spicy is another person's idea of extremely mild. This means my idea of mild is never easy to come by and that is why Mexican is never my first choice when ordering out. I found the key to getting mild Mexican food is to avoid adding anything with peppers, which unfortunately for me, happens to be the key ingredient in a lot of toppings. So what I do is try to get my food with minimal toppings. The problem arises because this makes me the exception to the rule and as a result people in the food service industry seem to get annoyed with me when I don't order a lot of toppings. You would think that this would put me in their favor, because I'm actually making their job easier, but no. No where is this clearer than Chipotle, which for those of you who have never been, is a gourmet burrito-on-the-go chain of stores. (I feel compelled to point out this is not a Chipotle-only phenomenon. A guy in Subway once got downright hostile that I only wanted a tuna sub with lettuce and didn't want my roll toasted.) Anyway, the way it works in Chipotle is that you go in, order your base burrito and then slowly work down the counter with the server as he asks you what you want in your burrito. Usually my conversation goes like this:

Server: You want rice?
Me: Yes, please.
Server: Cheese?
Me: Yeah.
Server: Salsa?
Me: Nope.
Server (surprised): Green peppers?
Me: No thanks.
Server (confused): Red onions?
Me: No.
Server (slightly annoyed): Beans?
Me: Nope.
Server (fully annoyed): Guacamole?
Me: No, thank you.

It is at this point my food and I are sent away under their scornful eye. I can only imagine it is because the server would prefer it if I just went ahead and cut them off by telling them what I want for toppings instead of them having to go through the list. I would be more than happy to do that for you, food service workers of America, but you appear to have a nice rhythm going and I don't want to interrupt that. Not to mention I don't have the entire menu memorized like you do and I would hate to be three bites in before I notice that I forgot to ask for sour cream. The good news for you is that I usually tip well. Just put up with me for the two minutes it takes and you will be richly rewarded.

Five Tidbits On A Friday

-There was an article in this morning's Boston Globe talking about how the wet spring and warm summer have combined to create a stronger crop of poison ivy this year. While this is obviously not something that should be considered a good development for humanity, I would like to think it at least saves my reputation slightly. You may remember it was only a couple of months ago that a bout with the devil weed landed me in the emergency room and having a plant force you to go to a hospital is not a particularly macho moment in any man's life. It's just nice to know that I am not the only one who had to bring out the heavy artillery to fight back.

-Speaking of that lovely time I spent in quarantine, it has forever changed my views on all leaves. Even though I think I know what poison ivy looks like, because I didn't see any on the day I obviously got covered in it I'm never again going to be 100%, absolutely sure of what I'm standing in ever again. Basically I can't trust a pile of leaves. So yesterday when I was golfing and hit into a patch of woods between the two fairways I took about one step in, saw green leaves, took one step right back out and took a drop in the fairway. I didn't even bother to look for my golf ball. Screw it, I can get three for a dollar at Play It Again Sports. Even that one step was probably one too many, because any itch I've had since that step I'm fully convinced is the beginnings of a brand-new outbreak. Not a fun way to go through the rest of the summer.

-Here's a prime example of why I love that you can customize Google News to have a section on the webpage devoted to just your hometown: This morning I was checking the latest happenings in the world. For the most part it was nothing new - Lindsey Lohan is in rehab, the Gulf Oil spill is remaining capped and a crazy person who randomly stabbed a bunch of people was arrested. That was the National News section. Under the Norwood news? A local article that basically pointed out, "Boy, there sure are a lot of barbers in Norwood." See, we only break the important news around these parts.

-There are few things in life that can get me to change the channel faster while watching a Patriots game than hearing the words, "Brian Hoyer now in at quarterback." When the backups go in the game is essentially over and I can search for other entertainment. The only people still watching are the family members of the guys fighting to make a roster. Every year seeing this reminds me how unfair it is that the Patriots still charge full price for preseason tickets. At the start of the second quarter Gillette looked like a ghost town, but you know damn well those people who left didn't get to pay any less for parking than they would have it was the AFC Championship game.

-The only good thing about the Patriot starters getting pulled when they did was that it worked out perfectly, timing-wise, for me to change over to ESPN and watch Jimmy Clausen's debut for the Carolina Panthers. Here's my official review of his performance: eh. He didn't play great, he didn't play poorly. Much like I said about the NBA summer league a couple of weeks ago, it's good if you play well in the preseason, but you kinda are supposed to. He was going against Baltimore's second string and as such you can't really give him too high of a grade. I didn't expect Clausen to be the Opening Day starter for the Panthers before the game and considering Matt Moore played just fine and didn't get hurt, my expectations didn't change. I do expect Clausen to be in at some point this season, but Moore is going to really have to screw up in the next two games for that to happen sooner rather than later.

Don't Ignore Experience

I admit, I am not the world's greatest chef. Here's the list of things I make well: cheeseburgers, steaks, pasta, omelets, rice, chicken, pudding and French toast. As you can tell, I pretty much only know how to make things I would want to eat myself. (I'm also quite good at ice cream sundaes and chicken cesar wraps, but I feel like those should be categorized more as 'assembling' than anything else.) If you request a dinner that consists of anything beyond those ingredients there is going to be a lot of staring at cook books and guessing on my part, along with a very good chance your meal will arrive slightly over or under-done. I'm more than willing to try and cook dinner for you, but I am much better when you make something that I can then re-heat later and serve to you on a fresh plate. I am a master of presentation. However, if you insist that I make you something, what I really appreciate during either cooking or re-heating are specific instructions. None of this "microwave for about a minute" junk, because I find that to be unnecessarily vague in this day and age. It isn't like I'm heating over an open fire and being forced to guess if something is getting enough direct heat on both sides; I'm using a microwave with a digital keypad and a countdown clock that allows me to heat something evenly and for precisely how long is required. It'll even alert me from across the room when it's done.

We have a level of technology now that allows for specificity, so let's take advantage. (Plus, I take umbrage to the notion that all microwaves are created differently, thus the power levels in them are different and cooking time should be adjusted on a microwave-by-microwave basis. Unless you bought your microwave back in the 1980s before the technology was perfected or from some brand no one had ever heard of before or since, the high setting is the high setting.) You can tell me on the number how long something needs to cook all the way through and I can be sure to hit that number every time. That is why I love it when I get directions for a frozen dinner and they say, "Heat on high for 43 seconds." What that tells me is someone sat down in a lab somewhere and played around with their microwave to arrive at such a specific number, because that is not a number you would normally put down in directions. Don't ask me why, but we humans like the numbers in our directions to end in zero or a five, so landing on an odd number couldn't be an accident or a typo, it has to be science. As such I never mess around and input my own number, which would be an affront to all the hard trial-and-error work put in by the good people in food development. Honestly, food directions are the one thing that no one ever seems to want to stick to. I'm sure just as much work went into figuring them out as went into figuring out that certain clothes should be 'Dry Clean Only', but one label is held sacred while the other is only glanced at. And you wonder why your chicken nuggets come out soggy.

-So, last night was the season premiere of HBO's annual NFL show, Hard Knocks. For those of you who haven't seen it, basically HBO is granted unbelievable access behind the scenes at an NFL training camp and they document everything that happens for the four weeks to show viewers how an NFL roster is formed. It always ends up being one of the most entertaining shows on television. They pick a different team each year so it doesn't get repetitive and invariably I end up rooting for either the team or at least the various players at the back of the roster. The problem is that this year the team happens to the New York Jets, who I just can't root for because they share a division with the Patriots. And this team, feature attention-hogs like Jason Taylor and LaDanian Tomlinson, should be especially easy to dislike. However, I have to admit that one episode in I'm starting to be swayed by Rex Ryan, who is the Jets' head coach. He's a big, brash and loud guy who curses like a drunken sailor... in other words, he's exactly what you want a head football coach to be. Something tells me that if he was coaching almost anywhere else I would be a big fan of this guy. I do, however, feel bad for whoever is working as an audio editor for the NFL Network, because they like to re-air the show later in the season and that poor person is going to have a hell of a time cutting Ryan's audio down to anything that could air on a basic cable station.

That Was Ill-Advised

Apparently this clip is a couple months old, but it has just now landed in my inbox. And since seeing people fall is always funny, I thought I would share it with you.



Ok, here's the main question that I have for these ladies: if you are not capable of performing a simple lay-up, what on earth made you assume you could pull-off a complicated Harlem Globetrotter-esque human step-stool move?

Don't Blink Or You'll Miss It

I'm noticing that more and more TV programs, specifically sports talk shows like Pardon The Interruption, are adding this little wrinkle where they show a quick cut-in during a commercial break to give you a "live" look back into the studio. It's usually only about 10 seconds and most of the time it either gives you an idea of what the studio hosts were talking about through the break, is a shot of the hosts receiving instructions from the producer through their earpieces (because two people listening to a person off-screen who you can't hear makes for riveting TV) or sometimes you can get an early look at who the guest during the next segment is going to be. I assume if you ask them the producers would tell you the cut-ins serve as a window into the world of TV, but if forced to give an honest answer those same producers would probably have to admit the cut-ins true purpose in life is to keep you watching through the commercials and not flipping around. The thing is that they are rarely worth sticking around for; they are never particularly interesting, they don't add much to the production and therefore I really wish the stupid things weren't so damn effective on me.

I always stick around and yet I couldn't give you a truly good reason as to why I want to see these stupid little cut-in. Actually, scratch that, I know exactly why I always hang around for the cut-in: there could be one time where they'll have the cut-in and the shot will be of the hosts on their phones, frantically scribbling as everyone runs around trying to create new graphics as they prepare to come back from commercial and blow the lid off of some huge breaking news story. But that has not happened so far and if I were a betting man I would guess it will never happen. Still, it would suck if that did happen and that was the one time I wasn't watching. Because that doubt hangs in the back of my mind, I actually have found myself about to change the channel to see if there is something better going on somewhere else, but then catching myself and hanging around to make sure I don't miss the cut-in. This is extremely stupid behavior on my part. I wish I could make an excuse and say that it hearkens back to the days when I was working in TV production, but I never worked on a show that was interesting enough to warrant cut-ins. The only excuse I have left is that I am nosey. But, seeing as how these cut-ins are popping up on other shows, at least I can be comforted in the knowledge that I can't be the only one.

-Everyone else has weighed in on the flight attendant who went a little nutty yesterday, so here's my two cents: as long as he waited until the plane was on the ground to open the door I don't really have a problem with it. Yes, he probably caused big delays for the plane in getting back to the terminal and therefore screwed up the connecting flights for a couple of passengers, which was a dick move considering not everyone on board was being difficult. That being said, here's the main reason I'm on that guy's side: having worked in customer service I know that the customer is not always right. In fact, most of the time not only is the customer wrong, but they're wrong at the top of their voice. But at least when the customer is wrong in retail you only have to put up with them for a few minutes, try to make them satisfied enough so they'll go away and then once they leave you can spend the rest of the afternoon commiserating with co-workers on what a toolbox that person was. However, when you're on a plane with them you have literally nowhere to go. You're stuck with them for hours at a time. Now, if you don't have the patience to put up with people like that for extended periods of time, perhaps being a flight attendant isn't the best career move for you. But, this guy had been at it for years, so my guess is that this passenger was just particularly bad. (Seriously, if you made a guy who's been doing this for that long snap like that perhaps you need to take a long look in the mirror, lady.) So yeah the guy will get fired, but the passenger should be in some trouble as well.

You're Going The Wrong Way

-I was just reading about the prisoner who escaped from a jail in Arizona last week only to be captured in Wyoming this morning. Now before I go any further I want to be clear on something: while I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to do anything that ever lands me in jail, I'm extremely confident in saying that if I did ever ended up there I would not be able to pull off an escape, so clearly these guys are better criminals than me. That being said, if you were to escape from a jail in Arizona, wouldn't you head for Mexico instead of Canada? Seriously, you're already pretty much there. If you believe Fox News there is practically a class on how to cross the US border from Mexico, so going the opposite way should be fairly easy. It's like living in Pennsylvania, deciding you want to swim in the ocean and heading for the Pacific. I don't care if you don't do well in heat, at that moment you should take whatever option is closest.

-I get very frustrated when I see a situation in which everyone agrees there is a problem and even though that situation may have an easy fix no one is willing to step forward to force people to work together on a solution. I'm talking, of course, about the fact that you can't buy Beatles music on iTunes. Over the weekend Yoko Ono told people they, "shouldn't hold their breath" waiting for Beatles music to appear in the iStore. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Seriously, I could go on right now and buy all the Go West I could ever want, but no Beatles. Does that seem like something that should be happening in 2010? I'm sure that like all other thing, the main sticking point holding up negotiations is money. Well, iTunes should just pay whatever the people controlling the Beatles music want, because I'm sure they'll make their money back and then some. Honestly, let me get these people in a room together - I'll have this straightened out in no time.

-Recently the NBA announced that they would be holding a couple of regular season games in London this season. Even though I have contended for a while that the NFL should stop trying to cram football down the throats of Europeans and simultaneously pissing off their own fans, I think this is much better marketing idea for the NBA. First off, basketball is a global game, with leagues of some kind being played at various levels all over the world and therefore people might actually know what the hell is going on during the games they watch. Secondly, this isn't like a 16-game schedule with every game having serious implications; there are 82 games in an NBA season and even the players would tell you they don't really start playing hard until April. No one is going to notice or even care all that much if you take the Nets and Raptors and make them play in London for a week in March. As long as the Heat/Cavalier and Heat/Laker games are on TV none of the diehards will complain too much.

-Every year when I glance at the Hall of Fame game (even I think early August is too early to sit down and watch an entire football game), I watch the interviews with the players who were just inducted and I always come away with the same thought: man, those Hall of Fame Jackets are ugly. Honestly, these guys have sacrificed their bodies for years; suffering injuries that are most likely going to end up taking years off the back end of their lives, and what do they get for being the best at their chosen profession? A bust that never looks anything like them and yellow jacket that your wife wouldn't let you buy if you picked it out in a store. Nothing we can do about the busts, but there has to be a better looking jacket they could start handing out.

You're A Star Now

I remember two things about being in L.A. and walking down Hollywood Boulevard and the Walk of Fame: first was a group of Asian tourists going insane when they found Michael Jackson's star, to the point you would have thought the man himself was there, and the other was that people were constantly bumping into one another as they walked on the street because everyone was looking down to read the names and never bothered to glance where they were going. Overall, I would have to categorize it as an underwhelming experience. Still, every time someone is given a star on Hollywood Boulevard they make it seem like such a big deal. Personally, I think we should hold off on the celebration for a minute until a couple of things are cleared up. First off, the honor is diminished when you find out that it isn't that hard to get a star. All you really need is $25,000 (for "creating, installing and maintenance of the star") and someone to nominate you. Anyone can do the nominating, including fans. There is not even any kind of committee to check your career achievements - as long as someone has enough pull to get your name on the list and you've got the cash, a star can be yours. When you stop and think about it, it does seem convenient that several actors have received their stars just as a new movie was about to open up.

Also, like all things in life you must think about location, location, location. What part of the street and in front of what business your star is going to be placed should be a factor. For example, if you make the big time and are in front of the iconic Grauman's Chinese Theatre then you, my friend, are a star amongst the stars. But if you're eight blocks away in front of a Starbucks and some crappy street performer is stepping on your name everyday then clearly you should have chosen your projects more carefully. Also, who your neighbors are could put a damper on the receiving a star. If you find yourself placed somewhere between Marilyn Monroe and Laurence Olivier you are obviously in a good neighborhood. But, as I already said, it's not as hard to get a star as you would imagine, so there are some real duds out there. (Go ahead and peruse the complete list for yourself and you'll see what I mean.) The last thing you would want it to be forever immortalized between David Spade and Godzilla. [Editor's note: I have no idea if those stars are even remotely near each other.] So, if they ever come to you and say they want to give you a star on the Walk of Fame make sure to find out how far down the list they had to go before they got to your name and also where they want to put your star before you start bragging about it to everyone you know.

-I had to chuckle when I read Albert Haynesworth apparently passed his conditioning test in the pre-dawn hours Saturday morning, well before any media showed up. This was unlike his previous attempts which took place for everyone to see and the results were leaked to the media before the stopwatch was put away. Something tells me he passed his conditioning test the same way bad drivers get their licenses - eventually the instructors get tired of seeing them and passes them simply to get them out of their hair. It was stupid to make Haynesworth pass a 300 yard shuttle drill anyway because he's a defensive tackle - he won't run 300 yards in a game. This is especially true in the 3-4 defense the Redskins want to play, in which case he's only going to run a yard at a time and be expected to absorb punishment. I get that new coach Mike Shanahan wanted to show Haynesworth who the boss was after Haynesworth was the only player who refused to do offseason workouts, and Shanahan had the court of public opinion on his side. But if this had gone on much longer public opinion would have swayed and people would have started to feel like Haynesworth was being picked on. Better to let him 'pass' the test and get back to practicing, because Haynesworth's play will be the main thing that determines whether or not Shanahan's Redskin tenure is a success.