My Banned List

Thanks to the Daily Show, it has come to my attention that England has compiled a list of people that it will not be allowing into the country (in that most British way of still trying to seem polite, they're calling it the "Not-welcome list"). Apparently, the plan is to use customs at the airport just like the clubs in Faneuil Hall use bouncers, only better armed. "I'm sorry, man, but we're at capacity for the country right now. Never know when the fire marshall could show up." They are doing all this under the guise that visiting England is a privilege, not a right and therefore they can keep anyone out that they wish.

The list actually isn't that shocking. It's made up mostly of people that are religious extremists, suspected terrorists and one radio shock jock, who I, frankly, had never heard of but after 5 seconds of research could understand why you might not want him around. To be honest, you shouldn't have needed a list to know that you shouldn't be letting members of Al-Qaeda into your country.

Still, this is a pretty sweet idea. Just telling people in advance that they aren't welcome into your space is a great time saver. So, I've compiled the list of people that I want to keep out of the personal space of the country of Tom.

• People who take the "friendly" out of "friendly competition." Yes, I am aware that picking up a ball from a hazard to check if it's mine is a 2-stroke penalty. I'm also aware that our foursome is carrying a combined handicap of 135 - why not let some shit slide. These are also the same people who call for a carrying violation in a pickup game.
  
  
• Yankee Fans. Now, not all of them. Actually, unlike most Red Sox fans, I like Yankee fans. Most of them are knowledgeable, articulate and can bring on a lively debate about baseball. No, the Yankee fans I can't stand are the ones from nowhere near New York, like Kansas. They've never seen Yankee Stadium (new or old) but the Yankees used to win all the time when they were growing up so the Yankees are their team. They are slightly above the typical bandwagon fans because they keep hanging on, but not by much.
  
  
• People who have litters of kids. Fertility drugs are awesome. They are a miracle of modern science and give hope to potential parents everywhere. But, they should be used in moderation. No one needs to have 7 kids at once. The only people that are going to be truly hurt by this action are those kids, who are never going to get the individual attention that kids need. Besides, if both parents suck at life (and having a litter of kids is a good indication that, yeah, you do), all you've done is bring more sucky people into the world. One kid would have been bad enough. You're trolling for a TV show on TLC - we all know it. While talking about bad parents...
  
  
• Parents who bring kids to political rallies. They do it under the guise that they want their kids to have an interest in politics from an early age. And that would be great if it were true, but it's not - you want them to believe what you believe. Do you really think that any kid under the age of 10 has an opinion on Stem Cell research? Of course not, but those kids holding home-made political signs always make the paper. You're using your kids for show.
  
  
• People who point out that "What we called 'soccer' is actually called 'football' by the rest of the world." No kidding, never heard that one before. Too bad you're not in the rest of the world. They use the metric system too, but you need to stay 50 feet from me.

So, yeah, if these people could just keep themselves away from me, that would be great. The rest of you are more than welcome to invade my personal space.