My Poison Ivy Adventure

So, last Saturday I talked about how I managed to clear a section of my yard of thorn vines to plant some new trees and I felt very productive for the effort. Well, by Saturday night I had started to develop a small rash on both of my forearms just above my wrists. At first it wasn't that big a deal as I get some poison ivy almost every single summer. I just threw on a long-sleeve tee-shirt and went about my night. However, Sunday morning I awoke to find that my lips had just about doubled in size and were now very red and tender. If it was a botox treatment it would have taken me a lot of money to get them this big. Still, I was not too concerned about it, I just figured it would go away if I ignored it (this is the same medical tact I take with all my aliments). The real problem began on Monday morning when I awoke very early to find that half my face was red and puffy, to the point that my right eye was practically swollen shut. Honestly, it looked as though I had been punched in the eye by Andre the Giant. Now, for all the times that I have been attacked by poison ivy it has never spread to my face, so for the first time I was actually concerned. Oh, in addition it had also spread overnight to my stomach, back, up my entire forearms, in between most of my fingers (which had now swollen to about twice their normal size) and a couple patches had sprung up on my legs. I'll admit, I did not look my best.

My mother thought I should go to the hospital but, as a veteran of the poison ivy problem, I started instead to do my normal regiment of taking baths with baking soda (more on that in a second) and taking Benadryl. I thought as long as the swelling went down in my face I could deal with the rest. It was not a very good night, as I kept waking up because of the extreme discomfort. Also, I was sleeping in long sleeves and pajama pants, which I'm not a fan of, because I'm already a furnace at night. I think the kicker was when I noticed the left side of my face was starting to swell up as well, though that went back down overnight. I decided that if the facial swelling wasn't cleared up by Tuesday afternoon I would give in and go to the hospital. In the mean time I started going online looking for home remedies I should try, which leads me to this point: when you are in a severe amount of discomfort, you will begin to listen to anything that sounds remotely plausible. Thus, after reading on some guy's blog that direct heat would kill the itch, I found myself with a hair dryer, blowing hot air directly into my face. I want you to know that not only does that not help, you almost immediately feel stupid for even trying.

I was really resisting going to the hospital because I had this vision of being in the emergency room, finding myself sitting between one guy who had cut off his finger and another who was having a heart attack, them turning to me asking what was wrong and all I would have in response was, "Um, I'm itchy." You can imagine my testosterone-fuel hesitation. However, I think I was slightly vindicated when the first nurse I saw asked me how bad the poison ivy was and as I lifted my shirt to show her the patch on my stomach she visibly recoiled and immediately whisked me away to the back room and away from any other patients. At this point the doctor came in and he too did not seem very impressed with my puffy face until he saw how bad the patch on my stomach was, at which point he also backed away. I feel like if you can make an ER doctor recoil then you were right to come in. They initially talked about giving me an IV of steroids, but since I wasn't having any vision or breathing problems I was deemed ok for just pills. The doctor prescribed a concoction of steroids pills and cream and then sprinted out of the room before I could make the "Guess I won't be competing in the Olympics this year" joke that the poor man probably has to hear every time he prescribes anyone steroids. [Sidebar: a couple months ago I talked about how, since I am not a drug taker, simple medicine like cough syrup can throw me for one hell of a loop and I have really vivid dreams. Well, those were nothing compared to what I have been experiencing on steroids. We're talking major productions going on in my head: a cast of hundreds, car chases, explosions - it's all very exciting. Honestly, if I talked in my sleep you would be getting quite the movie script out of this. Last night I dreamed an entire Christmas episode of The Office.]

The other thing I tried was an oatmeal bath because that is supposed to help with the itch. Here is what I learned about myself through all of this: I'm not a bath guy. First off, I've essentially out-grown my tub. Trying to submerge my body underwater would have resulted in the flooding of my bathroom. Secondly, I don't like the fact that the water goes cold fairly quickly, at which point you are just sitting in cold water like the world's loneliest pool party. Thirdly, both the baking soda and the oatmeal bath (both are about equally effective, which is to say not that much) leave a ring around the tub that you have to go back and clean later. I really prefer showers, which is where the Fels-Naptha soap comes in handy. Fels-Naptha is a cleaning agent that is supposed to be used as a detergent, but has had a second life as a poison ivy remedy even though it clearly states on the package that you should avoid prolonged exposure to skin. Whatever, it works.

So after a week of keeping myself away from other human beings as much as possible, it appears I've finally got this outbreak on the run. I have a small patch on my stomach remaining, but it is just discolored, not swollen or itchy at all and other than a couple small areas on my arms I am pretty much back to normal. This should not deter me from going on any hikes this summer but, with all due respect to Robert Frost, screw the path less travelled - I'm staying on the ones that have been cleared for people to walk on. Also, I'm out-sourcing any more yard work that comes up this year.