This Isn't A Broadway Show

Earlier this week, Nationals' phenom Stephen Strasburg was scheduled to pitch at home against the Braves. However, he had some discomfort in his shoulder while trying to get loose before the game, so the Nationals decided to be cautious and pitch someone else at the last minute. Without telling the fans why Strasburg was being shut down, they sent out pitcher Miguel Batista, who is decidedly not a phenom and who was promptly booed by a big chunk of the 40,000 in attendance once they noticed him warming up. However, Bautista actually pitched very well, going five innings and allowing no runs against a pretty good Atlanta offense. Also to his credit Bautista took the booing in stride and said he understood it because, "It was like expecting to see Miss Universe and getting Miss Iowa." [Sidebar: He then sent flowers to Miss Iowa just in case he offended her, explained he had simply randomly picked the first location that popped into his head and invited her to throw out the first pitch at a Nationals' game. In other words, the Nationals handled that a hell of a lot better than Strasburg's injury.] Despite Bautista's performance and the team winning, there were still people who demanded a refund. I got news for those fans - you aren't getting one. This isn't like Broadway where they will offer a refund if it's an understudy night. All they owe you is a game and you got one.

What I take a bigger issue with are those supposed Nationals "fans" who booed Bautista. I'm against booing a guy who plays for the hometown team as long as he gives the fans his best effort, which Bautista clearly did. I get that the fans were disappointed - trust me I've been there. I was at a Celtics game earlier this season when KG was already hurt and then Rasheed Wallace was a late scratch. If you ever want to take the air out of an arena, say the words "...and starting at one forward, Brian Scalabrine" when no one knows it's coming. Still, we didn't leave or boo Scal. I think the problem here is that the Nationals haven't been around long enough to have fans of the team - they have people who are fans of just the one great player, which is a problem for a baseball team and even worse if it's a pitcher who only goes every five day. Still, Washington D.C. has some smart people among its residents, so you would expect them to understand that the Nationals have a ton of money invested in the long-term health of Strasburg and they aren't going anywhere this year. Being cautious with his arm is the smart way to go. I think the only thing that is going to help the Nationals avoid this kind of issue in the future will be getting the rest of the team better because they need to reach a point where they are bigger than just one man. Also, putting something on the back of the ticket about their 'no-refund' policy isn't a bad idea either.

-Last weekend, IRL driver and former Dancing With the Stars contestant Helio Castroneves was in a race at Edmonton when he was called for blocking the car behind him. He was summoned into the pits to serve a penalty, but refused to go. He finished out the race in second place, but instead of being awarded that position he was credited with a tenth place finish. Castroneves went off (as much as a race car driver can go off) and grabbed the IRL's head of security, who is a former Marine, who towers over Castroneves (meaning he's probably like 5'10") and who essentially laughed in Castroneves's face at his attempt to be tough. Now, I'm not going to use this time to crap on miniature race car drivers who think they are bad-asses. Instead I want to comment on how odd I find it that there is a rule in IRL that prevents blocking. Isn't that the point of racing? How can you consider something a sport when you can't play any defense? I understand that with Indy cars what you are in is essentially four wheels, a giant engine and a seat, so it's not like NASCAR where you can bump and push, but not allowing a guy to even block to protect his lead seems extreme. Next thing you know they won't allow passing and they only way you can win a race will be to qualify well and hope the other guys run out of gas first.

My "Dinner For Schmucks" Review

So, last night I went to see a pre-release screening of the new movie Dinner For Schmucks. It stars Steve Carell and Paul Rudd and it's about a man (Rudd) who is invited by his boss to a secret monthly dinner where everyone is required to bring the biggest idiot they can find. If Rudd finds the biggest idiot he gets a promotion. He meets a man (Carell) who fits just that description and hilarity ensues. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I found it to be very well-written and a lot smarter than I thought it was going to be. Obviously I'm not claiming this was Shakespeare. It was a lot of silly, but it never went for the easy fart/toilet humor I was expecting. There were a lot of good jokes, so that made the movie (which, at almost two hours, was a lot longer than I expected) to move along at a fairly good pace. The other thing that struck me was that there were very few small-time actors in this thing. Every role was played by a comedian that has had some level of success. Perfect example: in one scene you see the woman who is supposed to be Carell's ex-wife from a distance of about 100 feet. She gets out of a car, says two lines, gets back into the car and is never seen again. They could have gotten an extra to play this part, but instead got Family Guy's Alex Borstein. I assume she'll have more scenes on the DVD.

Another couple of great performances of note here: Flight of the Concords Jermaine Clement and Zach Galifianakis are scene-stealers every time they are on screen. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I'd be lying if I didn't mention my positive reviews could be skewed by the fact that the screening was free. Afterall, I've mentioned before that how enjoyable an activity is will be directly connected to how much you paid for it. Camping is fun as long as the campsite costs you $40 for the weekend, but when it's suddenly $130 for two nights you start to notice everything that is wrong with the place. And it's not like this movie was perfect: personally I felt that Rudd was kind of wasted being the straight man. He's a great comedic talent and he's trying to reign Carell in instead of bouncing off of him. They could have used a more straight-laced guy to play Rudd's role. That's what made Luke Wilson the perfect straight man in Old School. Also, it takes a while to get to the actual dinner scene, which I thought they could have expanded to take up some more of the movie. Still, those are a couple minor things and even if it wasn't free I still think I would have enjoyed this film immensely. If you are a fan of Carell or silly, then I really think you would enjoy it.

-I'd like to take a moment to talk about the seating at a movie theatre. Now, I remember going to a movie opening night and nearly having a fight break out because people were saving seats. Fortunately there was nothing as dramatic this time around, but there was still something that bugged me repeatedly. As this was a free screening we got there very early because we didn't know how many tickets had been given out. The movie was showing in one of those new "Cinema-Delux" theatres, with the back few rows being made up of double-wide seats that featured in-seat service. Only they didn't offer those as free tickets, so that section was empty the entire time. We settled into our seats in the very last row a good half-hour before the movie started and then spent the rest of the time watching as people came all the way up the stairs, only to realise that they wouldn't be allowed into the luxury seating that took up the last three rows. And they always seemed shocked. I'm serious. Every... single... group. Didn't it dawn on them that if people had been allowed to sit in those seats they would have been the first ones taken? Also, there was a family in front of us made up of a father, mother and young son (too young for this movie, but when you have people who brought a newborn, these two were in contention for "parents of the year" by comparison). Fifteen minutes before the movie started the son had to go to the bathroom and the father took him. The entire time they were gone people came up and started to move into the row, only to be told the seats were taken. These people also always seemed shocked. So, here's a free tip for those of you out there: if you go into a movie on either its opening night or the night of a special screening and you get there right before movie starts and find the entire stadium section of seating is so full that people have pretty much filled in the regular rows of seats in the front of the theatre and you happen to see two open seats near the middle of the theatre, it's a good bet those seats are taken. Don't you think all those people in the front would rather sit in those seats? Think it through and save yourself the walk.

It Was A Simplier Time

The other day I was down in my basement when I came across a large box of books I read when I was a kid. Near the top was an Encyclopedia Brown book which had several short mysteries in one book. As you do when you find an old book I flipped through it. I landed on one case that, for some reason, I not only remembered reading but also could recall most of the details in the story. The basic premise was this: there was a store robbery in the morning and the police had a suspect in mind. They went to his house and brought the child detective along (as, clearly, the police often do in real life). They found the suspect outside his house, babysitting his nephew who was playing on the hood of the suspect's car. The suspect claimed he couldn't have robbed the store because he had been working out of town, had to drive all morning just to get home and had arrived there only 15 minutes ago. This is where Encyclopedia Brown stepped up and pointed out that if he really had been driving all morning, as the suspect claimed, then the hood of his car would be far too hot for a baby to be playing on (why no one thought to point out that a baby shouldn't be playing on the hood of a car is another point for another day). GOT HIM! Confronted with this mountain of forensic evidence, the suspect confessed. Chalk up another victory for Encyclopedia Brown.

As I put the book back down I had one thought: there is no way that holds up in court. Clearly, when we were growing up the burden of proof was much lower. Seriously, that's not even worth being called circumstantial evidence. You couldn't even call that hearsay. I need more than the old "The hood of his car should have been hot" evidence, Mr. Brown. Any good public defender has this case thrown out in a minute and probably brings a lawsuit against the city for harassment. I recently read a story that, due to the popularity of evidence-heavy shows like CSI, prosecutors were having a much harder time getting juries to take a leap of faith - these days they want absolute proof and anything less than DNA evidence isn't good enough. I just wonder if this has started to seep into kid's mystery books like Encyclopedia Brown. I'll be interested to see how Encyclopedia Brown has evolved once my nieces are old enough to start reading his books (I certainly won't be reading them before that, because there is something creepy about a grown man in the children's reading section). You have to figure the author has adapted to the times or they would have taken him out of circulation. Does Encyclopedia now have his own lab? What about one of those lights that can detect blood? Can he do a ballistics test if the case calls for one? If Encyclopedia Brown doesn't get with the times, those damn kids over at Mystery Hunters are going to blow him out of the water.

-Yesterday, after shopping at Target I went into the supermarket next door, where all I wanted was a cold drink. Once again my scavenger-hunt skills were on display as I quickly found the drinks near the front of the store and went to the self-checkout to try and get in and out. I scanned the one drink and it was at this point the screen told me to place the item on the belt. Seeing as how it was a soda I was hesitant to do that because it would go rolling down the belt, get shaken and explode when I opened it two minutes into the future. I tried placing it on the belt while holding onto it and thus not allowing it to go anywhere hoping that would be good enough to appease whatever sensors were under the belt, but it wasn't. Again, the screen told me to place the item on the belt. I tried skipping the conveyor belt completely and just placed the soda at the end of the line, thinking that maybe there was a sensor down there that would know I was being compliant. But again, no dice. At this point the screen told to wait for assistance and the light over the register started blinking. Oh, good, attention. My favorite thing. Some twelve year-old came over and I mumbled that I was just trying to keep my soda from being shaken up. Sighing at my stupidity the kid had me scan it again and then showed me the answer to my conundrum, which was to simply walk the soda down the conveyor belt. I guess that makes sense. Still, nothing brings down an ego quite like a teenager showing you how technology works. To think, I used to be tech-savvy.

Cosmically Breaking Even

Today I learned the answer to two riddles.
Riddle 1: What's worse than getting stuck behind a foursome of little old ladies on the golf course?
Answer: Getting stuck behind a fivesome of little old ladies on the golf course.
Riddle 2: What's worse than getting stuck behind a fivesome of little old ladies on the golf course?
Answer: Getting stuck behind a fivesome of little old ladies who are playing behind a foursome of little old ladies.

Holy crap, these women took forever. When I first got to the course I thought I was in the clear, because from the road there didn't appear to be anybody even on the course despite a lot of cars in the parking lot. However, it turns out to that Wednesday mornings there is a women's league at this particular golf course and there were a few groups out there, but they were already well underway, playing the fourth hole of what is only a nine-hole golf course. I thought I was in the clear. Even though I was a single and I don't spend a lot of time over a shot I thought a four-hole lead would be more than enough.

I caught up to them on the sixth tee.

Now, by the time I got to the seventh tee box they still hadn't played the hole yet. The rules of common courtesy would lead you to think that they would at least offer to let me play through, which I would have refused because all that would have gotten me was smack dab into the foursome ahead of them but, dammit, I at least wanted the offer. The day people stop going through the motions of making offers they really don't want you to accept and know deep down you won't is the day the terrorists win. Instead, no one in the fivesome would even make eye contact with me (and believe me, I tried). And wouldn't you know it, the seventh hole is the shortest at this course, so I played it very quickly and the scene repeated itself at the eighth tee. Still no offer to allow me to play through. As I waited.... and waited... for them to play the eighth hole, I discovered the problem - they were waiting for the group ahead of them to clear the green. None of these ladies had a shot in hell of reaching the green in one, believe me. They absolutely could have started playing the hole and they never would have interfered with the group ahead of them. But no; I had to watch them advance down the fairway 25 yards at a time. Here's how long it took for them to finish up: as I was finishing the sixth hole another solo golfer was teeing off his round. He was on the seventh green as I was teeing off of the ninth. Let me break it down for you: he played 7 holes in the time it took me to play two. It was a lot of wasted time.

Fortunately, the Universe saw fit to equal me out. After golf I was going to the nearby Target to buy a very specific item. As I've mentioned before when I know what I want to buy I shop like I am on a scavenger hunt - get in, get the item, get out (this is especially necessary at a store like Target because if I start to examine the rack of $5 movies I could be there for a while). The place was packed with back-to-school shoppers and thus the checkout lines were pretty long. I got in the "shortest" one, behind a lady with a carriage full of clothes and supplies. She looked back at me, saw the one item and the exact change in my hand ready to go and very politely offered to let me pass and go first. This was an offer I was not going to turn down. I was in and out of the store in five minutes. Cosmic balance restored.

One Man's Trash Is Another Man's $200 Million

There was a news item today about a man who bought some glass negatives at a yard sale ten years ago for $45, only to discover they were lost works from famed photographer Ansel Adams and are now worth in the neighborhood of $200 million. By all accounts neither the buyer nor the seller knew that they had in their hands at the time and it wasn't until later that the buyer discovered what they were and went into the process of authenticating them. This, of course, is every yard sale picker's dream - to buy an item at a yard sale for $3 only to discover that it was a doodle George Washington drew while he was waiting to cross the Delaware River and is now worth a billion dollars. When my family had a multi-house yard sale a couple years back there were people that got there before we said we were going to start in hopes of finding something of value before anyone else, including one woman who spent the morning going through a drawer of spoons one at a time and only ended up buying three of them. I am fairly confident that there was nothing of value to them, but now I'm not so sure. I wouldn't think there is anything of value in my attic or basement, unless you want some books that were on a third grade reading list or all the baseball hats I collected between the ages of 10 and 25, but that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't think they are valuable. (Still, it's a pretty safe bet my family won't be appearing on Cash in the Attic.) And, if someone did buy an item off of us and discovered it was of high value, then I say congratulations - it's better than buying a winning lottery ticket. I'm happy for those people.

The people I don't like are the ones who know what they are holding and are quite happy to "relieve" a seller of an item that they are unaware is worth a lot of money. I find those people to be incredibly sketchy. What you are basically doing is stealing right in their face. There is a show on the History Channel called Pickers, where that is all these two guys do: drive around and go through (usually older) people's stuff, buy off them for $50 and then cackle into the camera, "We can turn around and sell that for $150!" Well, yeah, you might have made a hundred bucks, but you did it in a really underhanded way. It makes my skin crawl - I can't watch the show without feeling a little bad for the people they are buying the stuff from. (This is why the much better shows are the ones where the experts help everyday people find stuff to put up at auction instead of taking it from them and gloating into the camera.) Perhaps this is why I have never made a good business person. I like to think that if I saw a signed Joe Montana football at a yard sale I would be the kind of person who would point out how valuable it could be to the seller (unless of course it has no certificate of authenticity, in which case it may as well be written in pencil). If this Ansel Adams story has taught me anything, it's that if the guys from Pickers show up at my door they aren't getting anywhere near my stuff.

-There was another no-hitter in Major League Baseball last night, the fifth official one of the season. (The record for no-hitters in one year is seven, if you were wondering.) What I have to laugh at is all the knee-jerk reactionists coming out and saying, "See what happens when you get all the hitter's off of steroids?! Year of the Pitcher! This is evidence that steroid testing works!" It sounds good in theory and no one is going to take the other side to argue that steroids are good for baseball, so everyone agrees with the premise and moves on. There is, of course, a giant hole in that logic - the fact that a lot of pitchers were on steroids, too. In fact, most of the guys who still get busted for steroids are pitchers. What I think is happening instead is the effects of everyday players no longer being allowed to take amphetamines to get up for all 162 games and thus the guy who only has to play one out of every fives games is much fresher than the guy who hasn't had an off-day in a week. Basically, baseball is back to being played the way it was for the first 80 years of its existence and once again proving that the oldest adage in baseball remains true: good pitching always beats good hitting.

That Was A Bad Choice

With NFL training camps starting up over the weekend, it was only a matter of time before we got this year's first "Controversy that isn't really a controversy, but for God's sake it's July and there is nothing else going on so the sports media needs to make a big deal out of every little thing until baseball gets interesting in a month." Most of the time it's a holdout or a former all-pro guy who's switched teams in the offseason, but this year it's Cowboy's rookie wideout Dez Bryant, who refused to go along with the typical rookie hazing of carrying some of his veteran teammates' pads after practice. Now, I find some of the excessive hazing traditions to be a stupid, but I think 'carrying a veteran's shoulder pads' is acceptable. No one can get hurt doing that and frankly, you're on your way to the locker room anyway. If he stopped and thought about it, by only having to carry one teammate's pads, Bryant would realise that he's lucky and that he's getting off pretty light for a big-money first-round draft pick. Usually those guys are looking at picking up four to five thousand dollar restaurant tabs or having to pick up bar tabs for the season. A couple weeks of pad carrying isn't so bad in comparison.

But instead, Bryant thinks that he was brought there to play football, not uphold some stupid tradition and said that if he was brought in as a free agent this wouldn't be an issue. Yes, well Dez, if you had wings you could catch every thing thrown you direction as well. You weren't brought in as a free agent, so you've already lost that part of the argument. What Bryant may not realise is that by refusing to do this he is essentially saying that he is better than all the players who have come before him and done this simple rite of passage. Not to mention this is a guy who missed his last year of college after being suspended for lying to NCAA officials about attended a party at Deion Sanders' house, so he'd probably be better off just shutting up, carrying the pads and not trying to bring more attention to himself. Now Bryant has put a bull's eye on himself and not only are teammates going to get pissed because they are going to be asked about this for a week, but they are also likely to step the eventual hazing up a notch (Dez, they're gonna getcha one way or another). The only thing Bryant has going for him is that the teammate he shunned is wide receiver Roy Williams who might be the least-liked Cowboy on the team, due to the fact that he's being paid a huge contract, cost the team a lot to get him in the first place and hasn't been that good on the field. Still, Bryant can't afford to act like he's better than anyone else on the first day of camp. I'm sure he'll have plenty of time to think about that when he's looking for the trainers to cut him down from the goalposts he has been taped to.

-Today is the 30th Anniversary of Caddyshack, a movie that was released to initially poor reviews, but over time has grown into a classic, much like a fine wine. (Fun Fact: did you know the "Cinderella Man" speech was completely ad-libbed and done in one take?) In honor of its anniversary, I give you the best moment in the movie.

Stick To A Side

Any day now Yankee slugger and admitted steroid-user Alex Rodriguez is going to hit his 600th career homerun, a total that has only been reached by six other players in history. Unlike a few years ago when Barry Bonds was chasing that number, no one outside of Yankee fans seems to be particularly excited about him approaching this milestone. Part of it has to do with the fact that baseball fans have become numb to homerun numbers, but the key factor may be that since it might not happen for another week it becomes more like one of those things people only care about once it has actually happened. Whatever the reason, because of this lack of anticipation the other day there was a column on ESPN in which the writer questioned why Alex hitting #600 wasn't a bigger deal to fans, pointing out that even though homerun numbers were inflated in the steroid era, it is still an historic number. I found this ironic, because when Rodriguez first admitted to taking steroids every analyst on every ESPN platform was yelling into their microphone how this admission forever tainted his legacy, skewered his numbers and meant Rodriguez was never going to be in the Hall of Fame. You can't tell us in one breath that everything a guy did for the last 10 years should be looked at with skepticism and then wonder why we aren't more excited to celebrate his achievements in the next.

Baseball might be a team sport, but it is more about individual statistics than any other. When those numbers become invalid, it is pretty much the same as the player's career becoming invalid. Besides, the baseball writers who have decided that they must be the keepers of the sanctity of the Hall of Fame (which is comical when a guy like Ty Cobb is in there) have made it clear that no one who admits to taking any performance enhancing drugs are going to be allowed in. This basically means that it doesn't matter what kinds of numbers Rodriguez puts up, so why should we care if he eventually hits 700 or even 800? Another thing working against Rodriguez is the fact that for years we heard story after story of how he was never a particularly good teammate and was more concerned with his public image than anything else. It's kind of hard to root for a guy when you suspect the people who spend the most time with him aren't too excited about his achievement either. Also, he's a Yankee, which means that no baseball fans have mixed feelings about him - it's either full-on love or full-on hate and it became clear years ago which side most of the country came down on. I will say this for him, at least Rodriguez is serving as an interesting test case. When all the steroid news first broke people wondered how the people who were caught using performance enhancing drugs were going to be treated by the fans as they approached historic numbers. Now we have our answer - with indifference.

-Since we're already dumping on baseball today, why not one more thing: It seems like every year the Hall of Fame inducts someone who has been on the ballot for a dozen years and has always come up short, but now the voters just got sick of seeing their name on the ballot and finally voted them in. Personally, I have never understood why some people are left on a ballot for so long - either you are a Hall of Famer or you are not. I get that the jack-offs who do the voting are never going to vote anyone in unanimously because of some idiotic tradition, but I still trust them enough to know right away whether a guy should make it or not. If you haven't been voted in by your fifth year of eligibility then my guess is you weren't that good. You shouldn't need time and distance to make people's memories of your career fonder to the point they can be talked into voting for you. It should be a gut reaction while you were playing; if voters have to be sold on you then you probably aren't a Hall of Famer. Oh, but congratulations on your election, Andre Dawson.

Five Thoughts

-Here's is what I have personally adopted as my indicator that it is ridiculously humid outside. If, when stepping out of my air-conditioned vehicle (with the A/C set low), I can't get more than two steps before my glasses completely fog over then yes, it is far too humid outside. Today I barely got the door open before I couldn't even see in front of my face.

-I know that it is never a good idea to praise a criminal, but considering no one got hurt, I have to commend the guy who robbed a bank earlier this week dressed as Darth Vader. First off, why haven't more criminals gone this route? 1. No one thinks it's real and just assumes that it's either a prank or a TV gag, so no one other than the teller knows whats going on and 2. you wear a mask that completely covers your face. It's kind of a brilliant idea. All you have to do is make sure the cape doesn't get caught in the door. And, if a cop does show up just wave your hand in his face and remind him that, "These aren't the droids you're looking for." (Yes, nerds, I know Darth didn't say that line.)

-Speaking of geeks: given the facts that I like action movies, as well as San Diego, I'm a little bit of a sci-fi geek (see last paragraph) and I have no real hatred towards comic books, I'm kind of surprised that I have never made it to Comic-Con. Every year when I see coverage of it I find myself intrigued by the spectacle it seems to cause. It appears to be something I'm going to have to attend at least once in my life, just to be able to cross it off my list. However, I would want it to be part of a larger trip, because I am also fairly sure that I would be all-set with it after an hour or two.

-Allow me to go on record as saying that it would be a very bad idea for either the St. Louis Rams or the Cincinnati Bengals to sign Terrell Owens. While he would at least make sense from a football side of things for the Bengals, you do not want him and Chad Ocho Cinco in the same locker room at the same time. There is only one football to go around and unless Carson Palmer wants to start playing with earplugs in they should keep Owens away for sanity's sake. However, signing with the Rams would be even worse. Owens is usually only on his best behavior when he is on a good team, which St. Louis will not be. Unless they want to kill Sam Bradford's career before it can even get going, the Rams are better off focusing on getting someone to backup Steven Jackson.

-But, speaking of wide receivers, I am shocked to hear that Wes Welker is going to be ready at the start of training camp this week. When he went down it looked bad and considering how late in the season it was, I thought he'd be back week 6 of the season at the earliest. Of course, that could still wind up being the case because even if a guy can participate in camp drills, that doesn't mean he's ready for the impact of an NFL game. If he is, though, then the Patriots receiving corps just got a big upgrade that didn't cost them a thing. I am slowly talking myself into this Patriots team being back at 2008 "Beast" level.

I Hope It Was Worth It

I continue to loathe iTunes "Album Only" restriction, considering it to be the bane of my existence. Why should I have to buy your entire crappy "Greatest Hits" album, when all I want is the one new song? How it is my fault that you only had enough talent to compose one good tune in the last three years? Anyway, having to make this decision invariably leads to me wondering just how much I enjoy that one song and weighing that against whether or not it is worth the extra money to buy the entire album. Fortunately, in cases like Mike Birbiglia's "My Secret Public Journal" it is a fairly easy call. I like almost all of Mike's material, though I still resent having to buy the entire album just to get the "celebrity golf" bit onto my iPod. But, just so you guys can make your own call, I found a copy of him doing the bit online (though, it is broken up into two parts) and will leave it up to you to judge.

Stupid Sports Rules I Would Change

A couple nights ago the Giants and Dodgers were playing a fairly important series in LA. With Joe Torre getting ejected earlier in the game, Don Mattingly had taken over as Dodger manager for the night. Late in the game he went to talk strategy with his closer and, after saying whatever he needed to, had begun to walk back to the dugout. Mattingly had taken a step or two off the mound when one of his infielders had a follow-up question. Mattingly turned to answer him, took a couple steps back towards the mound and in the process put one foot back on the mound while he answered the question. Giants manager Bruce Bochy came out of his dugout to point out that technically this was Mattingly's second mound visit in the inning, which in baseball means the current pitcher has to be lifted. The Dodgers were forced to bring in a pitcher with no time to warm him up and that pitcher promptly gave up the winning run.

While technically that is the rule, this seems like one of those ones you would let go considering Mattingly never made it out of the infield, let alone all the way back to his dugout. But for now we'll save my thought on people like Bochy, who would rather win by citing rules to the letter instead of letting some things slide in the interest of not being a dick, for another post except to say that if Bochy has ever driven 45 in a 40 MPH speed limit zone he's a hypocrite. Anyway, this got me to thinking about how some sports rules should be either relaxed or straight gotten rid of. Now, I like the intention behind the "no two-mound visits" rule because it is one of the few rules in place that is meant to speed up baseball, so that is not on my list (though allowing a five-foot buffer for the mound isn't a bad idea). Instead here is one rule from each of the major sports that I would like to see changed or stricken from the rule books.

Golf: If, after grounding your putter, the wind moves your ball while it is on the putting surface it is a stroke penalty. First off, golf has about 700 rules that could/need to be relaxed, but this one is on my mind after last week's British Open. How is wind moving the ball my fault? I didn't touch it, that's God. Play the ball as it now lies and let's get on with it.

Football: No leaping. There is a rule in place that states during field goal attempts you are not allowed to run towards the line, leap into the air and come down onto the back of your own teammate. Considering that is essentially the only way to play defense against a field goal attempt, I have no idea why this rule is even in place. I'm sure it's to prevent guys from taking out their own teammates, but if you block the field goal I'm pretty sure he'll be fine with you landing on him.

Baseball: Unlimited time-outs for runners. You know what, you want to wear five different pieces of armor so that you stand on top of home plate without fear of getting hit by a pitch then you can try to run the bases while wearing all that crap.

Basketball: Defensive three-seconds. I know this rule is in place to prevent guys like Shaq from just camping in the middle of the lane, but teach your big man how to shoot from 15 feet out and that problem is solved. Also, why is it a rule that I have to open up the lane for the other team to drive to the basket? Not to mention, the way NBA fouls are called you are practically guaranteed free-throws if the other team's center is even in the same area, so it actually hurts the team that is on offense.

Hockey: No contact with the goalie outside of the crease. If the goalie leaves the crease, he should be fair game. He's already wearing more protection than the rest of his team, you shouldn't coddle them. I mean, I keep hearing how much tougher hockey players are than everyone else, so goalies should be prepared to take the occasional hit. After a puck to the face it seems like it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Soccer: Offsides. So, let me get this straight: if my forward has managed to get passed the defense and I can get a perfect pass through their defense to him, it's my fault and they get the ball back? To me that's simply crappy defense and they should pay the consequences.

What Happened To Medium?

The other day I got a coupon in the mail for a "buy one, get one" deal on a bucket of golf balls at the local driving range. On the coupon it says that you can only use this discount for the small or large bucket, but I happen to know that at this particular driving range those are the only two sizes available. Therefore, I'm confused as to why they felt they needed to make a distinction on the coupon. [Sidebar: the large bucket is 80 golf balls. I also don't know who could hit 160 golf balls in one session without their arm falling off or their shoulder detaching.] Perhaps the legal department gets all twitchy about sending out a mailer with no disclaimers or restrictions. Anyway, I'm noticing as I make my way through the world that this is becoming a common trend - nobody has medium as a size option anymore. Every drink now comes as either super huge or in a shot glass. Even if they call it a medium it is usually just the small one. (As you'll see in a moment, Hal Sparks agrees with me... but don't listen to that clip at work.)

This is also prevalent in the world of socks. At some point, socks became a seasonal piece of clothing. Now, I don't mean heavy boot socks or thin dress socks but normal, everyday athletic socks. I can't find normal crew socks that go a couple inches above the ankle anywhere. The ones I find either come in the just-below-the-ankle-so-it-looks-like-you-aren't-even-wearing-socks style or the kind that come all the way up your calves (well, not my calves because my calves are the size of a normal person's thigh, but you get the point). You can't wear the ankle-high ones in the winter because then you are one high snowbank away from frostbitten ankles and the calf-high style aren't good in the summer because they a) never stay up and b) leave way too much fabric at the ankle which doesn't look good when you're wearing shorts and apparently girls notice that kind of thing. You could try to fold the long ones down a little, but that just doubles them up and when it's 90 degrees outside do you really want to double the thickness of the socks on your feet? What happened to making socks that landed somewhere in the middle?

Trying It Again

Yesterday it was announced that ratings-challenged show Damages was being saved from cancellation by DirecTV, who will now show it exclusively on their airwaves. I'm sure the cast is happy, but I don't see what is in this for DirecTV. I know that Damages was another one of those "great shows nobody is watching", but it was already on cable. The grading curve for a show is much lower when it's on cable and if you can't pull in some cable-acceptable ratings, what makes you think being harder to find is a sound marketing plan? Don't get me wrong - I hardly think of FX as some kind of northern outpost for TV shows (it actually airs two of my favorite shows in Sons of Anarchy and Justified) but if people aren't watching you there, what indication do you have anyone is going to take the time, energy and money to switch cable providers just for one show? This just goes to prove that complete-season DVD sales and on-Demand requests are starting to matter more to advertisers.

Now, rather than bringing back a show that probably isn't going to do any better just because it is on a new network, I thought about how shows like Futurama and Family Guy were brought back years after being cancelled and I thought of five shows that I think should be given another try instead:

• The West Wing: I know that it had a series finale, but it's fine - we'll just pretend the last two seasons didn't happen.
• Arrested Development: Either that or force them to finally make the movie they've been threatening for the last three years.
• My Name Is Earl: They need to at least give us a special where Earl gets to finish his list. The fact that it ended on a cliffhanger drives me crazy.
• Playmakers: This was supposed to be a cross between The Program and Any Given Sunday, which seems like a good idea, only because it was on ESPN it couldn't go as far as it wanted, so the show felt stunted. Not to mention they tried to cram too many storylines into one season. Assure them they could have two seasons to make it work and I have confidence it would be much better the second time around.
• Sports Night: Another Aaron Sorkin show. This was his first attempt to make TV writing seem like serious business, which he tried a second time at Studio 60. I still feel like this could have worked.

-Every day as I zoom passed it on the dial, I am surprised to see ESPN Classic still on the air. I can not figure out who is keeping this channel going, because what kind of person could possibly want to see a sporting event that happened 10 years ago when you already know what happened? Also, if on the off chance you are the kind of person who would, what are the odds that you wouldn't have recorded the game at the time and have already watched it 400 times? Besides all that, it isn't like ESPN would have a very hard time finding a live sporting events to put on this channel instead. However, that is not the point of this post. Instead, as I was flipping by I couldn't help but think how far TV broadcasting has come in just a few short years. In the week leading up to the British Open Classic was showing footage from some previous Opens and occasionally I would pause to watch 30 seconds and try to guess the year (oh yeah, I'm a HUGE dork). Anyways, I was watching one showing and having a terrible time guessing. From the stale graphics and grainy footage you would have thought this particular broadcast must have come from the late 80s, but no. It was from the distant time of... 2006. Man, HD makes a huge difference.

A Rambling Book Review

Once upon a time, Rick Reilly was a very good sportswriter. During his years writing for the Denver Post, Sport Illustrated and eventually ESPN, Reilly was named sportswriter of the year eleven times. Also, he wrote a pretty enjoyable book entitled "Who's Your Caddy?" where he spent time looping for various people. Clearly, the man used to know how to write, which is what I think makes his latest book all that much sadder to read. It's called "Sports From Hell" and it was supposed to be Reilly's story of travelling the world looking for interesting new sports to try and cover. Now along with the facts that a couple of them were not actually sports (for example: in "Zorbing" no one kept score, no one won or lost, everyone just had a turn and it was over), he didn't try them all (which he implied was half the point of the book) and in the middle of it all he took 20 pages to explain why he thought baseball was the stupidest sport of them all (which, while I tend to agree with his thinking, doesn't mean it should have counted towards the total of dumb sports covered), I had a bigger problem with the book: the writing style is really annoying to read. I honestly think Reilly is no longer capable of writing a straight, descriptive sentence. Everything is joined together by some half-hearted pun that would have been funny 4 years ago. It can't just be an dumb jock; it has to be an athlete who is "dumber than toe lint." One of those a chapter isn't bad - four a paragraph is excessive. It's almost if he gets paid by the analogy at this point.

There is another reason that the constant punning annoyed me so badly. Often when I read a book by an author I have frequently seen on TV, I'll have that author's voice in my head. Those of you who know me also know that one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they are the funniest in the room when it turns out they aren't actually funny at all. This is where the fact that Reilly is all over ESPN this weekend covering the British Open was not helping his cause. When he is on TV Reilly has the very annoying habit of not only saying all those bad analogies out loud, but he then will laugh at all his own jokes, which I normally never would have known. He ends almost every bad pun with a half-hearted chuckle. I'm not sure if he's nervous, trying to get us to laugh along with him or just finds himself that hilariously funny but whichever it is, it is damn annoying. So the entire time I was reading the book I could just hear that chuckle in my head over and over again. Another problem with Reilly is that he spent so long at the top of the sportwriting mountain that he eventually became a target, which will happen to anyone. (Writers are like stand-up comedians: we want to see other writers do well, but not too well.) However, rather than just letting it go and chalking the people who are critical up as jealous, Reilly goes the other way and seems to feel the need to show off how well he's doing, like when he pointed out (at least three times) that his new wife is very attractive and a former Miss Teen California. Yes, we get it Rick, you're doing very well for yourself, but that has nothing to do with the book.

Now look, it's not that I have a personal dislike of Reilly, I just expect better. The whole book simply felt lazy. Even the editing was lazy (a man named Rob was referred to as Robb a paragraph after being introduced). I'm not faulting Reilly for that one, but if he or his editors really cared about this project you would expect someone to catch that before they went to print. Personally, I blame ESPN for Reilly's work lately. Having done some sports writing, sports radio and sports TV, I know that TV and radio are a lot more fun than writing; they are much easier and you make a lot more money doing them. (Hell, Reilly already has given up writing for ESPN The Magazine to concentrate on filming more Homecoming specials.) By now you have to figure Reilly is set for life money-wise, which is also going to make you not work as hard or care as much. There is a famous quote from boxer Marvin Hagler who said, "It's hard to get up and train when you're sleeping on silk sheets." I kind of feel like that sums this book up: put in half-effort but cash the full check. I was able to read through the entire book in about three hours and I'm going to forget about it just as quickly. The fact that there is almost nothing memorable about this book should bother Reilly a lot, but I doubt it does. I would guess he's as indifferent about it as Manny Ramirez is about running out a groundball. (See, Reilly, one per post!)

Only Fathers Can Have Facial Hair

When I am completely clean-shaven, I look around 16 years old. This point was driven home to me a couple weeks back when I was down the beach, mostly clean-shaven, and the guy at the package store took a full three minutes to examine my license before allowing me to buy beer. Thus, ever since I could grow facial hair (sadly, this didn't happen until I was close to 24) I have tried to have some kind of beard/goatee. However, I never would have equated facial hair to fatherhood until yesterday. Now, I haven't shaved in nearly two weeks at this point and have a good scruff going. I went to the driving range to cash in the last of my birthday gift certificates. When I handed the card over the woman behind the counter said, "Oh, someone had a very nice Father's Day." Um, I'm sure someone did, but it wasn't me. I just found it odd that she jumped to that conclusion given all the other possible gift giving days out there.

-Speaking of golf, as I said on Twitter the other day it's very hard to try and defend it as a real sport when high winds can stop a major championship in the middle of the second round. (Officials stopped play because high winds were blowing the golf balls off the putting surface.) However, before the baseball people get too full of themselves about how much tougher their players are, keep in mind that at least most golfers don't hurt themselves trying to hold in a sneeze.

-Facebook passed the 500 million user mark last week, which is more users than the population of the United States. As a result of surpassing that number Facebook is planning all sorts of celebrations and profiles of some of its more active members. While 500 million sounds impressive, I want to know the stats about how many people haven't updated their page in months. I feel like if people haven't logged in six months than they shouldn't count.

-I feel compelled to point something out: during the winter you heard all the people who don't believe in Global Warming use the fact that it still got cold in winter as proof that it must not exist. Well, by that same logic, I would love to hear their reasoning now that every state in the lower 48 was at least in the 90s at some point this week and half a dozen reached triple digits. We've been slowly melting here in Massachusetts and trusts me, that kind of heat can make a believer out of just about anyone.

Its Less Effective This Way

One of my favorite jokes from late comedian Mitch Hedberg was that an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. "Instead of 'Out Of Order' the sign should just say "Sorry For the Convenience." This was going through my head the other night when the battery in my electric toothbrush died. You would think that I could just go on and use it like any old toothbrush but, truth be told, an electric toothbrush is kind of a crappy when it becomes a regular, non-electric toothbrush. There aren't as many bristles as you need and it doesn't feel like it does as good a job of cleaning all your teeth. To be fair, it was not meant to be used like this - the brush was designed on the theory that fewer bristles with a little power behind them could do the work of more, which is great until it's almost midnight and the person brushing his teeth (that would be me) is too lazy to go downstairs and hunt for a triple-A battery. Now, most of the time its design flaws are covered up by the battery power, but when you try and use it without any juice behind it you find out how far short it can fall.

This fact can also be true about musicians. (Yep, I'm about to try and compare pop star recording artists to an electric toothbrush - hang on for this one.) Yesterday there was a news item about how early '00s pop star, Pink, was injured while performing a stunt during a concert. She was supposed to go flying through the air but instead the stunt went wrong and she was throw into a barricade (relax, she's fine). Now, I have long held the belief that the best stage shows are the simplest ones. Give me the band, a good sound system and an otherwise empty stage. What happens in those settings is all the other "presentation" crap gets stripped away and all you are left with is the glaring reality of whether or not the performer has any talent. To complete the toothbrush analogy, you'll see if a design flaw is revealed when there is no power behind them. There is a reason that Nirvana's Unplugged CD was one of the most well-reviewed of the last decade. It was a few great musicians performing some well-written and well-chosen songs (notice that they never attempted an unplugged version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit"). The music was what was important. There were no pyrotechnics, elaborate stunts or choreographed dance numbers set to a remix meant to distract the audience from the fact that the artist was most likely lip-syncing. Contrast that with an N*Sync concert that came to this area a couple years later which featured a stage that was taller than the stadium it was in, because N*Sync's music blows. Basically, what I think I'm driving at is this - I'm pretty sure Pink is an awful concert to see live.

-If you've ever wondered why boxing has been dying a slow death over the last couple of decades, you need look no further than the latest news about the Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather non-fight. These two are generally recognized as the two best boxers in the world right now and they should have fought back in April, only Mayweather wanted a stricter drug testing schedule that included blood testing, even though boxing doesn't require tests to be that thorough. Pacquiao refused because he said he didn't want to disrupt his training schedule and he feels weak after he has blood drawn. Well, since that time Pacquiao has changed his mind and agreed to the stricter tests (a report saying that both fighters could make $30 million for the fight probably went a long way in changing his mind). Even with that concession, Mayweather is still hemming and hawing about agreeing to the fight. Publicly he says its because his uncle/trainer has a trial coming up and he wouldn't want to go into this big of a fight without him. Privately people are saying its because Mayweather thinks he could lose and his biggest draw is the fact he is currently undefeated. I have news for him - we're going to notice if you go undefeated while simultaneously ducking the best competition out there. This is why you need a boxing committee to just make these fights. Everyone wants to see it and it willing to pay big money to make it happen, but one person can can deprive us of what could be the biggest fight in years. While it may be fake, at least in pro wrestling you know eventually people are going to get in the ring together.

You're Not Going Anywhere

The big question for US Soccer after the World Cup ended was what was going to happen to some of the stars of the US team. A couple were already on loan in the European leagues and simply returned to them, but most were in the MLS, which is pretty much seen around the world as the AA-level of soccer. Despite some of them having weak resumes, a couple of the more prestigious International leagues started sniffing around the roster for players they could transfer to Europe. The big star for the team, Landon Donovan, had been on loan to Everton from his MLS team and he returned to the Los Angeles Galaxy after the World Cup ended. But when Everton came calling about extending Donovan's loan with the team, they were told by MLS officials that Donovan was staying put for the foreseeable future. Now, normally I would be annoyed about any league trying to tell a single team or player what they could or could not do with their playing career but, frankly, its soccer so my ire isn't nearly what you would expect it to be. I'm actually fine with MLS deciding that in this case the good of the many outweigh the good of the one and that the best thing for the league as a whole is to make Donovan stay put, because actually I agree with them completely.

People who didn't watch soccer before the World Cup and have never seen an MLS game in their lives are going to scream that this is a waste of Donovan's talents and no way to grow US Soccer Internationally. Here's the question I have for them: who cares what the rest of the world thinks of our soccer reputation? You know what would raise our International profile the most? Winning during the World Cup. We're not going to get better at doing that by impressing the next generation of kids in other countries who won't be able to play for us anyways. What the sport most needs to happen is to find a way to convince all the 9 and 10 year-old kids who play soccer now to not move to another sport once they get to high school. And as marketing plans go, using the well-spoken, newly-minted national hero with the hot (ex?)wife, who makes pretty good money and gets to live in LA as the face of your league is a fairly solid starting point. Also, I wonder if they have thought about the flip side of that argument: what if Donovan flops in Europe? If he's supposed to be the best soccer player the United States has to offer, shouldn't he have had more than two goals the first time he was loaned out? What if goes over and lays an egg? It does far more harm than good.

There is actual momentum in this country for soccer for the first time in a decade. The fact Donovan's goal versus Algeria won a fan's choice award for Best Moment of the Year is proof of that (sure, it was an ESPY, but it's still better than the alternative of not winning it). However, this is a 'see it today, forget it tomorrow' world. The best way to keep that momentum going is to keep Donovan in MLS and playing in one of the biggest markets that the league has on a team that seems to have fans who actually care. It is not sending him overseas to randomly show up on SportsCenter twice a month while playing games that are on a Tuesday at 11 AM (if they even get to be broadcast over here at all). They do that and people will have forgotten all about him by Christmas. Besides, Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey are doing very well over in Europe (admittedly, I'm taking my friend who watches a ton of soccer's word on this): they could be the ambassadors that US soccer needs. I'm sure that Donovan isn't happy about having to remain in the US and not getting to test himself against the best of the best, but I'm also sure all the money he is about to make on a fat new contract and endorsement deals will help him get over it. Still, they had better do it quickly, because NFL training camps start in a couple weeks and once those start up everything else gets pushed to the back burner.

They Care More About Your Dignity Than You Do

For as much of a sports fan as I am, I got out of the autograph-hunting game fairly early. Getting autographs is a little like investing in stocks; you get the signature of a young player for cheap money and hope he blossoms into a Hall of Fame career, which would make the autograph much more valuable. For example: if you managed to get an unheralded 6th round draft pick out of Michigan to sign a helmet during Patriot's training camp in 2000, you are sitting on several hundred bucks worth of sports memorabilia right now. However, I bought stock in Ron Mercer which convinced me I was not good at the career prediction game. (Don't know who that is? That would be my point exactly.) Now, I have no problem if you want to buy a couple choice pieces from a store to sit around the house - a nice signed baseball bat can actually complete the look of any home office or man-town lounge. Personally, an autographed Bill Russell photo is one of my most prized possessions and I have a place of honor reserved for my Larry Bird jersey to hang once I get it framed. However, memorabilia from Hall of Famers is like buying Microsoft stock - less risk, but also less reward. Besides, I bought those items from a dealer, which feels like it's a little more dignified than tracking down and stalking professional athletes until they agree to sign your stuff. Letting someone else do the dirty work just seems better, even if it really isn't.

That's why I want to applaud the Baltimore Ravens for their new training camp policy - no autographs for anyone older than 15. There is something inherently sad about watching grown men chase after athletes who are younger than them just to get a signature. When I was working at Patriots' Training Camp the worst complaining after players decided to skip the autograph lines invariable came from the adults with three footballs and a helmet under their arms. Personally, as soon as I realised I was older than half the players on the roster I suddenly felt very weird asking them for autographs (it's also the reason that I have curbed my jersey wearing to a few specific times a year). So, I thank the Ravens for trying to save these people from themselves. There is nothing dignified about a 45 year-old man wearing a Joe Flacco jersey shoving a 10 year-old out of the way and shoving a sharpie in Ray Lewis' face. It is the same feeling you get watching guys with jobs and mortgages knocking people over to catch a foul ball. Now, I'm sure what is going to happen is either a) a lawsuit from some Raven's fan who thinks this policy goes against his Constitutional rights or b) memorabilia dealers will simply start paying kids to stand in autograph lines for them. I'm really hoping it turns out to be option B, because at least that way these kids can make a little money on the side. It may drive up the price for autographs in sports memorabilia stores, but can you really put a price on saving a little self-respect?

-While I try and keep politics out of this blog, I have never hid my distaste for Sarah Palin. Not only would I not vote for her in a Presidential election, but she is the one candidate who could motivate me to give up being a registered Independent and sign up as a Republican just so I could vote against her in the primary elections. However, even I felt kind of bad for her when news broke yesterday that her daughter Bristol was not only back with her baby's daddy and Playgirl centerfold Levi Johnston, but they are actually engaged. Now, this is not the first relationship in history that has ended badly only to see the couple try again years later. After all, the heart wants what the heart wants and maybe those crazy kids have a chance at making this work. (Editor's note: no, they actually do not.) But Johnston's conduct after the relationship ended seemed to exceed even the laws of a bitter break-up. I've heard of burning bridges, but Levi took a flame-thrower to them. I can only imagine that Thanksgivings around the Palin table will be mighty awkward in the near future. Also, the fact that US Weekly was told of the engagement before the bride-to-be's parents is what really stunned me. First off, I can only assume that People magazine passed, which means this couple is thankfully near the end of their 15 minutes of fame. Seriously, who shares news like that with The Today Show before their own parents?

Let Me Tell You About You

Exactly one year ago I installed Google Analytics onto this here blog and sat back while it collected all the data. I thought it would be a little more in-depth than the location bar I have on the side and I could learn more about the people who actually read what I write. Think of it like reverse-stalking. Now, after one flip through the calendar I checked the results and learned some facts about the near-800 unique visitors I have had (although, I grant you it's probably less than that because any one of you checking from a different computer would appear as a new visitor). But, anyway, here a few of the more interesting tidbits:

-Either you can all read really fast, or a lot of people click this blog by accident and bail quickly. I reached this conclusion by the fact that most locations average 0:00 time on the blog. In which case I doubt most of you even read this far into a post. To check this assumption, I plan to start revealing passwords in the last sentences of posts and seeing what happens.

-Google Chrome has a long way to go. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it was the least-popular browser. I was surprised by this, given the fact that all I ever see in side menu ads are attempts to get people to sign up for Google Chrome. Instead it makes up about 3% of my traffic. No wonder they keep trying to buy out other search engines, because browsers clearly aren't their thing.

-You want to bring in the readers? Talk about the Olympics, the Moon landing and NCAA Basketball Tournament predictions. Those were the subjects of the most-read posts on my blog and it wasn't even close. If only Neil Armstrong would commit to playing basketball for Team USA in the London 2012 Olympics, I would have quite the bump in traffic.

-I'm HUGE in South America. As expected, the bulk of my hits come from the US, with Ireland, Canada and England coming in next. The fifth most? Brazil. Now I can explain away England (and most of my other European hits) by assuming it's either Liz when she's travelling or people who clicked over from Liz's blog and Canada by all the posts about the Vancouver games. No idea why I get so many Brazilians. But, I've also got hits from Chile, Argentina, Colombia and Peru. And, while it's not South America, I got a single ping from Costa Rica. I like to think this is my natural Latin heat coming through.

-I'm also quite popular in Ohio. This one blew me away. Massachusetts had the most hit from inside the United States, as expected, but I did not expect Ohio to be far and away the second biggest visitor. I don't even know anyone in Ohio. Also, judging from the giant hole in my visitor map I don't know anyone in Montana, Nebraska, Wyoming, Idaho or either Dakota. I'm going to have to start travelling to the Mid-West more often.

Four Quick Thoughts

-You know what I've had just about enough of? The Home Run Derby. I watched two minutes of it last night and in that time I came to the conclusion that it is time to spice up All-Star weekend with some other kind of event. Much like the NBA's dunk contest, it was fun for a few years, but we've just reached the point that we have seen the best we're going to see. The whole reason that homeruns are so great in a game setting is that you never know when one is coming; someone could go deep on any pitch, so you have to constantly be at the ready. The Derby doesn't just remove that anticipation - it makes homeruns repetitive. Also just like the dunk contest, the star power of the participants has dropped considerably. Instead of players who year after year are near the top of the homerun ranks, you have guys who are just having good first halves and even they only plan to enter it once or twice and after they win it they're never in it again out of fear of screwing up their swing. There should be a new kind of contest that the true stars would be interested in trying out. Then again, this is baseball and this is always how they have done it, so don't expect anyone in the league office to try and bring up some fresh ideas for another 40 years.

-I'm curious: has Mel Gibson had a conversation in the last couple of years that someone wasn't recording? With a third audio tape of him screaming at his baby-mama being released yesterday, it sure doesn't feel like it. Not that I feel sorry for the guy, but if you can't have a normal conversation without the fear that it will end up on the news then perhaps it's time to start looking at the people around you. Then again, you reap what you sow, so this could be simply be karma kicking him in the teeth.

-People in the publishing industry are always saying the magazines will far out-live newspapers because it is a more focused group of consumers who will remain loyal because they are getting just the features they want. While I think this is a good theory in principle, it does give me pause when, just two months after renewing a magazine subscription, I start getting mail from that same company about renewing again. They are always willing to offer me a couple free months down the line in exchange for more money now. I feel like if this keeps up at some point I would have years and years of free magazines subscriptions coming my way and that feels like anything but a solid business model.

-As a Red Sox follower I was obviously never a big George Steinbrenner fan, if for no other reason than the Yankees were always in the Sox way. However, you had to respect him because he was what we fans always say we want in an owner - a guy who is willing to do or spend whatever it takes to win. His detractors will point to the firing of managers and demanding that players get haircuts in keeping with the "Yankee Way" but the simple fact of the matter is that when he bought them the team was worth $10 million and now its value is in the billions. The truth is this: if he currently owned the Pirates and had them in contention every year you would never hear a bad word said.

Use Your Time Wisely

Down on Route 6 in Wareham is a great little roadside restaurant called the Kool Kone. While it would never be considered fine dining, the Kone's big attraction are its blue plate specials, where you can get two hotdogs, two hamburgers or two cheeseburgers (or any combination of those you feel like making), fries and a drink for cheap money. Considering the price, the food is actually very good. The downside is that this establishment is popular, therefore usually very crowded and the service is not what you would call 'swift'. It's totally worth the wait, though, because no place is going to be perfect. As you would expect, when I was down the beach last week I went for dinner one night to the Kool Kone. After placing my order I stood off to the side and began to engage in one of my favorite activities, which is people watching. I quickly noticed one of the more annoying things that can happen when you are at one of these roadside fast food places - the people who are never ready to order when it is their turn.

There was a group consisting of a mom, a grandmother and 6 other girls who were probably in their early teens. While they were waiting to approach the ordering window they stood around and began solving all of the problems of the world. However, the one subject they never approached was what everyone was going to have for dinner. Only when it was finally their turn did they think to look at the giant menu that had been hanging over their heads this entire time. Judging by how unprepared they were for this moment, I speculate that they were surprised that this was what was waiting for them at the end of this line they had gotten into. Perhaps they thought this was some sort of pre-ordering station. At this point came the discussions that should have been taking place this entire time: who wanted what, did two of them want to share a blue plate special, who wants onion rings instead of fries, what is everyone having to drink, should we just get a big order and everyone share? On and on this went, while the man who was only going to be ordering for himself stood silently behind them, giving off the vibe that he would rather pull his eyebrows off than be near these people anymore.

It was a fascinating thing to watch, made better by the fact that I had ordered well before them. Now, I'm not to the level of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi but c'mon, people - you have to at least be somewhat ready when it is your turn. Think about it this way - if you don't save a little conversation for when you are waiting for your food to be ready, what are you going to talk about during the rest of dinner? Ration out the conversation and be ready when it is your turn to order. These are not unreasonable requests. I, and the rest of the population that go any kind of fast food restaurant, will thank you for it.

-This week BlockBuster online came through with some good movies in the mail: Sherlock Holmes and Avatar. Now, I had seen Holmes in the theatres, but in addition to just wanting to see it again because it was a good movie, I was curious as to any special features it may have had. After all, that is the main point to renting DVDs - alternate endings, deleted scenes and behind-the-scenes features. But, it turns out there weren't any on the DVD. While bummed, I figured that the Avatar DVD must be jam-packed with special features of James Cameron talking about how important he and this movie are. But, alas, no special features on the Avatar DVD either. I really hope this isn't a new trend of putting all the special features on a second DVD that doesn't come along with the rental, because that is really an inconvenient move. Also, it's not smart for Blockbuster, because if they're not going to include the special features then a lot of movies wouldn't even be worth a rental the first time around.

Twitter Catch-Up

I was down at the family beach house for a couple of days and thus wasn't able to keep up with my Twitter account. Hope I didn't miss anything. Anyway, here are some thoughts I collected while I was without Internet access:

-I was watching the news one night when they did a story about a sailboat hitting a barge. During the story I heard what could possibly be the most useless quote in the history of television. A woman who was a 'witness' to the crash said the following: "I thought the sailboat had the right of way due to the direction it was coming, but maybe the barge had the right of way because it was the bigger boat. I don't know who hit who, though, so I'm not really sure what happened." Oh, thank you, you've been very helpful.

-That story followed a report about a duckboat being hit by barge in Philadelphia (apparently barges are hard to get around). Just a couple days prior there was a news story about a whale-watching ferry running aground and nearly sinking off of Hingham. Who knew that boating accidents were like celebrity deaths - apparently they come in threes.

-The news proved to be very interesting that night, because next came a story about a mental patient who escaped early one afternoon from the guards who were supposed to be watching him and attempted to carjack a woman the next town over the following morning. The reporter mentioned that the victim was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and was pulling into the parking lot at that moment because she wanted to get to work early that morning. Now, the woman is ok, so I feel like I'm not out of line to mention that she will probably never be early to work ever again, and no one is going to call her out on it.

-One of my go-to movie stations is HBO Comedy, because most of the time they either have a good movie or a stand-up special on. But, the other night when I flipped passed it was showing The Fifth Element. I'm pretty sure when they were making that movie this channel was not their desired ending spot. Apparently, now they've begun showing movie that have unintentional comedy as well. It's only a matter of time before they are showing Honey.

-While walking on the beach I saw two young parents screaming at each other over their not-as-young-as-he-probably-should-be child. They were causing quite the ruckas and thus a lot of people were staring. The main thing they were screaming about? How embarrassed they were that their kid was misbehaving and causing a scene. With all due respect to Ms. Alanis Morissette, I think that has to be the new definition of irony.

LeBron's Choice

As a one-time journalism major, I have a soft spot in my heart for the movie All The President's Men. All wannabe journalists love this movie, because when you are starting out in college, you think this is what your career is going to be like - working sources behind the scenes to break a story that will change the face of the world as we know it. The reality is covering really bad Division 3 athletic program's games that are attended only by the players' parents and girlfriends or writing stories about how the cost of parking passes is about to go up. Anyway, early in the movie there is a scene where Robert Redford (as Woodward) goes up to Dustin Hoffman (as Bernstein) and scolds him for taking a story off his desk. He looks at him and says, "I don't mind what you did. I mind the way you did it." I couldn't help but keep thinking about this quote on Thursday night as I was watching LeBron James' hour-long special about where he was going to be playing next season. While I don't agree with James' decision to leave the Cavaliers for the Heat (we'll get to why in a second), I can at least understand it. What I just don't get is the need to have an hour-long prime-time special to announce the decision. This could have been 10-15 minutes and no one would have been upset (seriously, I bailed right after he said he was going to the Heat and I think most other people did as well). Really, neither I nor Cavalier fans needed the extra 45 minutes of hearing LeBron refer to himself in the third person or trying to milk this attention for all it was worth.

You know, for a guy that keeps saying he wants to be a global icon and a billionaire, James made a very curious marketing decision. After years of be hyped as the best basketball player, from now on he will been seen by basketball fans as a guy who knows he isn't good enough to win a championship as the lead dog. For example, I never want to here the phrase "King James" ever again. A King doesn't go to someone else's team to be their running mate - he has them come to him. Look, I don't like Kobe Bryant at all, but even I will admit that Kobe never makes this decision. Neither does Jordan, Bird, Magic and certainly not Russell. Those guys were too competitive to leave where they were to try and ride another players coattails to a championship. James supporters will tell you that it's all equal, because both Bosh and Wade are also giving up money. This is about more than the dollars. The fact remains that money is the only thing Wade is giving up while Bosh and James are now two of the more hated men in the NBA. James pretty much gave up his hometown in this move. If this was truly equal then James, Bosh and Wade would have ended up in a city like New Jersey, because that would mean each was risking the same amount. Instead James and Bosh went to Miami, which is Wade's city and will remain Wade's city.

Also, let's slow down all this talk of this team being pencilled in for the next 10 straight NBA titles. Bosh doesn't exactly have a strong playoff history and even if he did, you need 5 guys on a basketball team - the Heat currently have one other player under contract. Media pundits have been pointing to the '08 Celtics as proof that three superstars can coexist and win. They forget that team won not just because of Pierce, Allen and Garnett, but because of guys like Rondo, James Posey and PJ Brown. The Heat need some size, because Dwight Howard is still in the Eastern Conference and Bosh doesn't want to play center (again, that's going to turn out to be money well spent). People think that NBA players will be lining up to take less money for the right to play alongside these guys and normally I would agree, but with a looming lockout and a lot of teams with money left to burn that is not going to be as easy as it sounds. All those teams that cleared a ton of cap space to get Bosh, Wade or James now will be spending it on second, third and occasionally fourth-tiered free agents. It's great that the three stars took less money, but it was going from $18 million to $16 million - they aren't starving. Talking a guy who could make $3 million on a bad team into taking $500,000 for the right to win a championship is going to be harder. I'm not saying that the Heat aren't going to be a great team next season, but let's see how the rest of the offseason plays out before we start mapping out the parade route.

-But hey, at least Cleveland's owner is taking it well. Jees, Dan, come of the ledge a little. I get that you're mad - if I were you, I would be mad as well. With Mo Williams and Jamison as your best scorers, you are looking at 35 wins, tops. Your franchise lost a native son, its best player and about half its value in an hour-long narcissistic and public spectacle (though, you can't be shocked when a man who refers to himself as King and has "Chosen 1" tattooed on his back is a bit full of himself). It would be like getting left at the altar on national television. It wasn't for lack of trying on your part, either. With one or two minor exceptions (waiting to get Shaq in the summer of '09 instead of at the trading deadline in the middle of the season springs to mind), you did everything conceivable to make James happy and keep him in Cleveland. Also, as a man who achieved his wealth fairly early in life, I would assume you're not used to disappointment, so maybe you aren't fully aware of how to deal with this. That being said, you're the owner, you're supposed to be a little more rational than the fans. You should be above petty tactics such as reducing the price of a LeBron James Fathead from $99 to $17.79 in a reflection of the year Benedict Arnold jumped sides. [Sidebar: A Fathead costs a hundred bucks? Seriously? No wonder you weren't afraid of the luxury tax.] I've heard from several people that when you are emotionally hurt, writing to get out all the negative things festering inside of you can be a very healthy thing. But, you're not supposed to send it and you're really not supposed to put it on the team's official website. They say that a man's true character comes out when he's facing adversity. I have to say, Gilbert doesn't look great in all this.

You're Making Me Look Bad

I'm really hesitant to recommend things to other people. I know that my own view can be a bit narrow and because of this I don't usually like to advise people about movies or restaurants. Just because I like something does not mean it will be universally well-received. Also, I usually roll with things not working perfectly and what I might deem as an acceptable flaw could be a deal-breaker to someone else. I was reminded of this a couple weeks ago when I told a friend of mine about Skype. His sister had recently had a baby and he wanted to see the little one as often as he could, so I suggested he try Skype as a way to see the family without having to get on a plane. Now, I would never classify this particular person as "tech-savvy", but I thought he could handle it. I tried to reassure him that Skype was easy to use and he wouldn't have any problems. Of course, Skype let me down. He couldn't connect at first and then when he did the connection was choppy and bad. So typical. The worst part of this was that my friend is not into technology, because you know that if he was a computer programmer the Skype connection would have worked flawlessly. This kind of stuff never happens when the person you recommend a product to is the kind of person who would understand that sometimes there is just a bad connection or sometimes the Internet just doesn't feel like cooperating. It only fails when the person already thinks that computers are the devil.

This phenomenon of things suddenly deciding to change their behavior at the worst possible time occurs in other areas of life as well, only don't forget it can be the reverse - they'll go from broken to fixed. Objects will continue to not work properly until it comes time for them to not work in front of the key person, at which point they always magically get repaired without any help. Your car is a prime example. It could be making an unhealthy sound every time you drive it around for an entire year, but that noise will invariably stop once you finally have the money to take the car to the shop. Driving it in you're convince you might as well be dragging your engine behind you, but by the time the professionals hook it up to one of those diagnostic machines that vehicle will be humming like a Ferrari. Suddenly the mechanic thinks you're somebody who doesn't know anything about cars (fine, that part is true) and that you're just wasting everybody's time. Then you have to do that half-mumbled explanation, "Oh, well, it's not doing it now" while trying not to look like an idiot. Even your own body can betray you. Ever made an appointment to go to the doctor with some kind of joint pain? The morning of your scheduled visit will be the first pain-free wake-up you've had in months. Making a doctor's appointment might sometimes be the best medicine available.

-I want all the Twilight and True Blood people who think this vampire craze is going to last forever to pay attention to this particular mini-rambling. This week for some reason the premium movie channels have been showing Mel Brooks' take on horror, Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Now, this came out in 1994, which was the last time the vampire craze was going on, following Bram Stoker's Dracula and Interview with a Vampire. The fact that we went through a vampire craze 15 years ago and I barely remember it is further proof that is only a matter of time before we as a society will move away from shows and movies like Twilight and forget about vampires for another decade (and I am confident that I will be able to wait the craze out). I just want you all to be ready to laugh at yourselves in 2025. As for the comedy version of vampires - have you ever re-watched a movie a long time after originally seeing it? It can almost be like seeing it for the first time all over again. I saw this movie when it originally came out back in the early 1990s and I remember thinking it was funny; 15 years later I find it just as funny, but for different reasons. At 30 I get a lot more of Mel Brooks' humor than I did at 14, even though silly is funny at any age. Now, I would never pretend that it was as good as Brooks movies like Young Frankenstein or Blazing Saddles, but I will say this - it is the closest I will ever come to enjoying a vampire movie.

It Appears I've Wasted My Time

Nothing makes me happier than stupid projects. I've mentioned before that I am currently working on copying my old VHS movies to DVD (I'm still having trouble getting around that whole "protected content" issue, but I should finish just in time for DVDs to become outdated thanks to Blu-Ray) and I previously completed updating my iTunes library - making sure all songs had the correct title, artist, track number, album info and cover art. While I was updating this information I also took the time to individually rate my entire iTunes library catalog. Now, when I told my friends I was doing this most of them commented that didn't even know that this was an option, but not only did I want to give every song a star rating (1-5), I put some thought into my rating system. I wouldn't want to give a song a high rating, only to be sick of it in three months and cursing myself for stupidly thinking that some new song would stand the test of time. Here was the system I came up with for rating my library:

* - Song beds, audio clips: Stuff I used when I worked in radio that I just have never bothered to get rid of.
** - Comedy clips, poor-quality recordings, stuff I downloaded for other people: This stuff is usually from my early downloading days, before I would take the time to make sure this was the best copy I could get, or songs I don't like but don't want to delete, just in case.
*** - Good songs, not great: I played it conservatively and so this was where the majority of my music ended up.
**** - Either fantastic songs I have liked for at least 5 years or good songs by a trusted band: Not a lot of songs managed to get ranked this high. (Even now I'm debating giving "Sultans of Swing" a four-star rating. I must have done that during the height of baseball season.)
***** - My favorite songs by my favorite bands: Without looking I would estimate that only 15 songs out of over 1,000 made the cut for a five-star rating. It really is the best of the best.

I had a reason for doing this, I swear. The thing about me is that I, like the majority of the world, am sick of most of my iTunes library. 75% of my library consists of songs that got old really fast, I bought on an impulse or I downloaded because they reminded me of an ex-girlfriend and I was in a self-pitying kind of mood. However, that remaining 25% is made up of some great music that I never get sick of hearing. Now, the current iTunes "DJ" option, which I have talked about on a previous post, kind of sucks. It won't allow you to skip over songs; it just bumps the song on the list you would rather hear to the top. Meanwhile, those songs you're in no mood to hear just stay in line, lurking. But, there is an option that you can click on which reads "Play higher-ranked songs more often." So, I thought that by going through and actually ranking my songs, I would bring the 25% of my library to the front more often.

You know what I discovered? It doesn't matter in the slightest. The five-star songs bubble up just as often as the two-star songs. Apparently, the rating system is only there for my own personal use. Clearly my iTunes doesn't take it into account, otherwise songs that I haven't listened to all the way through since 2008 wouldn't come up as much as "Dream On" by Aerosmith. So, take it from me - unless you want to dazzle your friends with how much of a music snob you can be when it comes to the music that you already own - you can skip taking the time to rate your iTunes library.

It's Just Business

One of the great things about athletics is that most of the time you can find logic in them - nothing happens just because. If a guy falls in the draft we always discover a reason for it later (bad workout, failed drug test). If your team is continually near the bottoms of the standings, there is also likely a reason. Usually the reason is that the front office is being run by idiots who still take stuff personally, when they need to treat sports like a business. Take, for example, the ongoing saga of Chris Bosh and the Toronto Raptors. Bosh is a free agent and has had his bags packed to leave Toronto since last summer. The wrench in his plan is that, in an effort to have players and teams stay together longer, the NBA has set it up so that free agents get the most money by re-signing with their current teams (they can make around $30 million more by staying). This set-up benefits both sides because now, even if the player is set on leaving, it has become commonplace for the original team to sign the player to a contract worth more than another team could offer him, but then trade them to the team they wanted to sign with. The player gets his maximum deal and the team he's leaving can get players or draft picks in return. Bosh has said from the beginning he wants the max deal that the Raptors can offer him, but he doesn't want to stay in Toronto. However, Toronto has talked to the teams Bosh would be interested in joining (Miami, New York and Chicago) and has decided that they don't like what is being offered in return. Also, they aren't thrilled with the fact that Bosh appears to be really enjoying his free agency tour and has been constantly Tweeting about his meetings. Therefore, they are perfectly willing to let Bosh walk with nothing in return.

Look, I appreciate spite as much as the next guy, so I get why Toronto is in no rush to help Bosh make an extra $30 million. All they have done for seven years is build him up as this elite player (even though he's only been able to get his team into the playoffs twice, which in the Eastern Conference only requires a .500 record, and he's never gotten them out of the first round), yet the first chance he gets he's halfway out the door while the season is still going on. On top of that, he wants them to help him make extra money as he leaves and he only wants to go to a few specific places, which other teams know and that kills any leverage the Raptors may have had to get the best deal. It is a really dick move. Still, refusing to do a sign-and-trade is just going to hurt the Raptors more than it would Bosh. While I certainly don't have a high enough opinion of Bosh to think he warrants a max-level deal from any team, there are those out there who run NBA teams who do. He's going to get a ton of money whether the Raptors help or not. Sure, he'd like the $120 million the sign-and-trade would bring, but he won't be starving by signing with Chicago or Miami for only $90 million. In their petty effort to cost a former player some money all the Raptors are actually doing is hurting the remaining team. Normally in pro sports the teams have the upper hand instead of the players, but in this situation the roles are reversed. The Raptors may not like it, but in this case I think they may have to just deal with not liking how this turns out. The shame of it all is that the Raptors actually have some of the best fans in the NBA and they're the ones really getting screwed by this. He's leaving anyways, Toronto, at least get something in return for your investment.

-I always have had an appreciation for those little things in life that we all just do. We unanimously agree on so little nowadays, so I always take notice when it happens. The other night I was up at the local track running laps with my cousin (alright, I was walking, she was running). When we showed up there was only one other person on the track, but as we were going another 5-10 people showed up. The thing is, they all decided to walk the same direction, which was counter-clockwise. This, as it always does, got me to thinking: no one has ever told me that that is the direction I have to walk, but whenever I'm on a track I go counter-clockwise. Who made this decision for us, and why do we all just go along with it? Really, what would be the worse thing that would happen if you wanted to walk clockwise? Also, if I was down in Australia, would everyone be walking the opposite way? I had so many questions. At least I can provide you with one answer: yes, I did forget to bring my iPod and thus had a mile and half to think about this kind of crap.