Resolution Failure

I remember writing a post around this time last year about how I'm not a fan of making New Year's resolutions. The gist of the post was that I don't like them mostly because I forget about them, but also because I rarely make good on them and thus it is just another thing for me to beat myself up about for failing to get done. I then went and promptly made some New Year's resolutions, on that same blog, for all to see. I'm a complicated man like that.

As you would expect, I didn't have a high success rate. Here's what I wrote:

So, instead of resolutions, here are some projects (semantics, I know) that I would like to get done in 2010: build a deck down the cape, a bookcase for my bedroom and CD wall rack. Also, after firing a 49 down at Willowdale I'd like to see if I could come in under 45 and also shave 3 more strokes off of my all-time best of 113 at Chemawa.

I got exactly zero of those things done. Um, whoops? I didn't even start on the deck down the Cape and while I did all the measuring for the bookcase and wall rack I never began construction. I didn't even get to the golf ones and those were ones I really wanted to do. Now, in my defense, I didn't get to play much at either course, only making it to Willowdale and Chemawa once, and the time at Chemawa I wasn't allowed to play the full 18 holes due to league play, so I'm not even sure that one is my fault. True, I didn't playing well at either course during the one trip I did make, but only giving myself one shot at a New Year's resolution doesn't seem very smart. Plus, I did shoot a -4 on Wii Golf and feel like that should count for something.

Ironically, the only thing from that post I got done was the one thing I said I wasn't going to work at, which was going a second straight year with some kind of blog post every day. Yet, there I was doing four days worth of generic and time-ambiguous posts before going away on long weekends. I'm like Cal Ripken: I keep saying I don't care about my streak and then I do everything I can to keep it going. (By the way, today is consecutive day #748, meaning 1,000 is not out of the question.)

Ok, so let's try this again: this year I really do intend to build myself that bookcase and CD wall rack (it sounds like we're planning to out-source the deck construction). Also, I want to break 90 at Little Harbor, 70 at Lost Brook, 110 at Chemawa and 45 at Willowdale. Seriously, you guys, I mean it this time.

Would Not Be My First Choice

One of the reasons I like to click through Google News every morning is not to see the big stories, but instead the smaller ones that fall through the cracks and would not make the local telecast. For example, this afternoon on Google Entertainment there was a story that North Korean television recently aired a movie made in Western Culture, a first for the country. This is a huge deal, as you can imagine, because it shows signs that the cold relationship between North Korea and the outside world may be starting to defrost. Therefore, which movie was chosen must have been a big and difficult decision. It's Western Civilization's first impression to a lot of North Koreans, after all. With all that pressure in mind, they went with... Bend It Like Beckham. Interesting. Now, I like Keira Knightley and I know that soccer is the most popular sport in the world, but, really? If put to a vote, I doubt Bend It Like Beckham would be the one movie many people would use to make an entire civilization's first impression. According to the story, North Korean officials wanted to use a British film to celebrate some sort of anniversary of trade relations with the Empire, but even if you are intent on sticking with that criteria, what about a James Bond movie (one of the ones where he is not fighting Communist Russia)? The weird part about this story (as if it wasn't weird enough already) is that Kim Jong-Il is reportedly a huge movie buff, with Wikipedia (so you know it's true) claiming he owns upwards of 20,000 movies. So, it stands to reason he's seen better stuff. I know I have. In fact, I bet I could come up with five films that would have been a better option.... so I did.

Now, I'm dropping the British film criteria, just because I'm not familiar with enough work from there. I would end up recommending Green Street Hooligans (it does keep the soccer theme...). Anyway, if you want to stick to that, you can do it on your blog. Also, I am aware that they wouldn't want any movie that makes Americans or America look too good. Relations between the nations might be better, but they aren't that good. With that in mind, I figure I should avoid most action movie and all Westerns. Also, I'm avoiding anything with Asian stereotypes, lest we undo any goodwill that has been built up. Here's what I went with:

-Casablanca. Cliche for me to pick this one? Sure. Dated? Maybe. Looks, it's just a good movie. I don't care how old it is. And (spoiler), she doesn't even end up picking the American.

-Hoosiers. The choice of Bend It Like Beckham shows that sports movies are universal. Well, this might be the best sports movie ever made. I would have selected Rudy for this spot, but I would hate to be accused of homerism.

-Anchorman. This way they would finally get all those "Sex Panther" references the world has been using for the past six years.

-Jaws. Even though an American man wins in the end, it is not our finest hour. Really, the shark is winning for like 98% of the movie. Not to mention it doesn't paint government officials in the best light or encourage tourism to any of our beaches.

-The Usual Suspects. Just a great, thinking movie. Plus, since a lot of people don't seem to get the ending the first time around, they would rise up and demand a second viewing. Suddenly airing a western movie is a common occurrence.

Yes, That Would Be Worse

So, last night I once again danced with the devil that is Facebook, activating an account in an attempt to win a flat-screen TV. After sending in my entry, I was reviewing the people who at one time or another had sent me a friend request. Amongst them was an ex-girlfriend, or should I say the ex-girlfriend. The one I had planned my future and named our kids with before finding out I ranked below a patch of desert on her list of priorities. Now even though this woman was the exact reason I never had a Facebook page for more than 10 minutes, against my better judgement I decided to check out her profile. It was at that point I found out she has become engaged to the fellow she dated after me. Awesome. While this was not exactly news because I had suspected it for a while and every girl I fall in love with ends up marrying the next guy she dates, it still was mind-numbing to read it there in black and white. I had always secretly (alright, not so secretly) hoped/prayed/long for an eventual reunion, because even though we had broken up I didn't (want to) believe our relationship was forever destroyed. In my mind we hadn't even broken up for a very good reason and when we had it was with an understanding a reconciliation was possible once she returned. I just thought if we could get together and talk about it we would see that we were better together, which had happened before.

However, seeing that she is going to marry someone else was like a sudden and violent end to that hope, like a guillotine dropping. Suddenly the wind was taken from my sails as I felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the stomach and I was gripped with strong emotions that my night (and life) were pretty much ruined. However, in an unusual twist, my disappointed lasted roughly twelve hours. This was unlike last year, when finding out she had been in a new relationship with this person from pretty much the moment we had broken up sent me into a month-long tailspin that had me sitting in a dark room, punching walls and snapping at people. It appears my mind was simply not in the mood for another round of that shit. After tossing and turning for hours and fighting with the knowledge that some other man was going to be living the life I had envisioned for myself, I finally fell asleep. My dreams were then haunted by visions of my ex-girlfriend and her new husband buying the house next to mine, coming over and asking me to build them shelves. (Ignoring the shelves thing for a minute, I found it fascinating since I never met the man that my brain gave him a voice.)

Anyways, I awoke drenched in sweat but with a dry mouth and had to calm myself down as my heart was beating rapidly. I calmly reminded myself that not only are they, in fact, not moving next door, but that I haven't seen this girl almost three years and as they live in a part of the state I never go to, there is no reason to imagine that streak ending now. If I never want to see them, then I don't have to. As bad as I was feeling when I went to bed, I woke up with a calmness that comes from remembering that out of site = out of mind and even though something feels bad at the moment, it could always be worse. In that regards, big ups to my subconscious. Still, I am forever deleting my Facebook account, because I don't want a flat-screen TV enough to put myself through that again.

Another Delayed Ramblings

For the second week in a row, my Football Ramblings were pushed back a day because I wanted to talk about some new snow first. I really hope this isn't going to become a weekly thing that lasts until February. Anyway, on we go...

-So, for the first time since the 1940s, there will be an NFL game played on a Tuesday night. The game which was originally scheduled for Sunday night in Philadelphia was pushed back because of the snowstorm. Now, because the NFL apparently represents all things American, this has led to two days of debates about what the state of our Nation is if we allow concerns over weather to impact schedules. Some people are arguing that this clearly means we've become soft. Now, while I'm never a fan of cancelling events just because something might happen, I don't think this means we should call England and ask if we can be their colony again. Perhaps it just means we've gotten more cautious. Honestly, the main person I was annoyed with was Minnesota Vikings tight end Visanthe Shiancoe, who said that while the roads might have been bad "by East Coast standards" they were fine for hearty Midwesterners who would not have rescheduled the game. Um, excuse me, Visanthe, but you guys play in a dome and haven't won a game in freezing temperatures in almost 20 years. How about you not try and tell us how bad-ass you are about cold weather?

-Normally I wouldn't even care if they outright cancelled this game, because I don't have a rooting interest in either the Eagles or Vikings and it doesn't effect the Patriots' seeding for the playoffs. However, I am currently in the Championship game for my Fantasy Football league and while I am up 30, my opponent has a Vikings' wide receiver in his lineup. Now, there is virtually no chance he can win and all this has done is delay the inevitable, but if they don't play the game then I'm going to have to spend all summer hearing about the 'what-if' and that my win was tainted. Therefore, play the game, shut him up and give me my Championship, dammit. (Once again, Fantasy Football Champion: a situation in which I am a winner, but also a loser.)

-So, ESPN is firmly into bowl season and has taken to adding a graphic to the bottom line ticker which will tell you how many pro prospects there are in any given bowl game. However, some of these bowls are pushing it in terms of talent and the scouting department is clearly stretching to make everyone feel included. For example, last night I saw the graphic and it said the game would feature the 35th-ranked running back prospect. Considering only 20 or so running backs get drafted in any given year, why not amend that graphic to read, Pro Prospects: None.

-I found it fascinating to watch Carson Palmer, enduring one of the worst seasons of his career, have an outstanding game despite being without his top-two wide receivers. Coming on the heels of the Patriots jettisoning Randy Moss and then watching as Tom Brady turn in one of his finest seasons ever, I am beginning to wonder if we have seen the last of the 'diva' wide receivers who demand the ball at all turns. It makes sense to assume quarterbacks would be more comfortable if they could simply throw to the open guy instead of trying to force it to one player just to shut that guy up. They say the NFL is a copy-cat league, so I'll be interested to see if this catches on.

-I'm a big believer that little things can be an indicator of much larger issues. Because of that, even if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers manage to sneak into the playoffs, there is no way I would ever back them on the road, and here's why: I was watching the game in Tampa this week and all the Tampa Bay players were wearing longs sleeves and ski masks for a game that was being played in the mid-40s. If they couldn't handle a little bit of cold then there is no way they could ever go on the road and survive a place like Chicago or Philadelphia. The only way that team is having any kind of post-season success is if they have home-field throughout the playoffs. Even then they might want to invest in some of those heated benches.

It Keeps Piling Up

Normally, the first couple of day after Christmas are spent trying to find places in your house for all the new treasures. However, this year Mother Nature decided December 26th was a fine date to hit us with a ton of snow. This meant, instead of spending my Monday trying to decide whether my new Family Guy DVD should be filed under 'Family Guy' or 'It's A Trap!' in my movie collection, I was trying decide where to put the almost two feet of new snow we got overnight. Shovelling this much snow can be tricky, because the last thing you want to do is create even bigger piles that won't melt until June (as it is I may not get the Christmas lights put away until April) and can also weigh so much they end up crushing any bushes or garden structure. On the other hand, when snow is this heavy you also don't want to carry it a distance just to pile it in some desired location. In the end I decided that I value my back more than my Christmas lights and completely buried them. I have also decided that, since you can't see the wiring from the street, if they do actually make it to June before defrosting I'm just leaving them up for the year.

-For years, I have been making fun of weathermen because they always gave snow estimations with huge ranges. ("We're looking at between 6 and 48 inches of snow out there!") However, today I can see why they don't want to commit to an amount. One spot of my deck has about two inches of snow on it. But, 50 feet away on the driveway, the snow was up to my knees. Because of this discrepancy, now I understand they simply want to cover their asses. I've heard the people who call my mom to complain when their Globe is four feet away from where they requested it be place: I have no doubt those people have the kind of free time on their hands to call and complain about a bad weather prediction.

-That concession aside, there are still a few things I want to clear up with my local weathermen. Here they are, in no particular order:

A) Do not seem so happy when we are about to get buried by snow. I get that snowstorms are the weatherman's time to shine, but could you not be giddy about a storm that is about to seriously mess with people's lives?

B) When showing us the map with the estimated snow totals, you do not need to be on screen. I can read, see colors and I know where Norwood is located on the map. I don't need you there - just move. For some reason the local weathermen always want to stand right over the part of the map I need to see. Look, you're going to get roughly 20 minutes of camera time for a 30-minute newscast, so just give us 30 seconds of you-less graphics to figure out how much snow I am in for, because that is all I care about. Speaking of that...

C) I don't want to hear your weather-geek speak. I don't care where this storm came from, why it is sticking around or where it will head once it leaves. Also, irrelevant to me are things like what kind of clouds are rolling in, the scientific name for the type of snow or when they started keeping track of blizzards. Just tell when the snow is starting, ending and roughly how much will be left on my doorstep.

D) That being said, you need to loosen up some of your weather terms. I was just watching the news and the weatherman said that technically yesterday's storm wasn't a blizzard because we didn't have sustained winds of 35+ MPH for over three hours. We were close, but not quite. I counter that point with the fact that this afternoon I was standing outside in cold, gusting winds and snow that was almost taller than my snowblower. Felt blizzardy enough for me.

Last Interlude Of The Year

You may have thought, given that we are just one day removed from Christmas, that I was planning on hitting you with some more Christmas music. However, just like I think Christmas music should not be heard until after Pearl Harbor Day, I am of the belief that Christmas music should not be heard after the clock strikes midnight on December the 25th. Instead, we celebrate the Canadian holiday of Boxing Day. I'm not quite sure what the meaning of the holiday is, but I'm sure LL Cool J is involved somehow.

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to wish everyone out there

a very Merry Christmas.

Hope you have a wonderful
and safe holiday.

Also, a very Happy Birthday
to my dear friend, Liz.


Merry Christmas!!!

I Can't Believe It Either

I'm having a hard time typing these words: I agree with Phil Jackson. For those of you who may not know, Jackson is the head coach of the Los Angeles Lakers and therefore my enemy. I've mentioned that there are very few teams I root against on a day-to-day basis and most of the time my attitude towards non-New England teams is one of indifference. Well, that doesn't apply to the Lakers. I can't stand those guys or anyone associated with them. However, I have to stand with the Lakers' coach on one issue: Jackson recently said in an interview that he didn't like the NBA's practice of scheduling games throughout the day on Christmas and I wholeheartedly agree. About this time tomorrow the NBA is going to begin tipping off games and playing them throughout the day in what they feel has become a Christmas tradition. Jackson's Lakers have the prime spot in a game against the Heat, but he is not happy about it. He mentioned that players would rather be home with their families and that he would prefer the league take the day off. (In the interest of fairness I should point out Kobe Bryant says he likes playing on Christmas... but that's probably because he also likes using his family strictly as a photo-op.) Jackson's position is the right stance because I don't think anyone should be working on Christmas. Even if they don't celebrate the holiday I'm sure they would appreciate the day off.

At first it started innocently enough: the NBA would schedule one game on Christmas, usually a Finals rematch to give the teams a national stage as a reward for their previous success, and get big ratings. Then it switched to two games featuring the Conference Finalists and everyone seemed ok with it. A third game was added to included any team that added a big free agent before the season or had an exciting new rookie. But now it has expanded to five games, ending with a Golden State/Portland game that isn't even all that interesting. Neither team had a big offseason or appear to be a threat to win the Western Conference. Furthermore, I doubt the NBA's assertion that every game gets the huge ratings they claim. I'm about as big an NBA fan as you are going to see and yet I'm not planning on making an effort to watch the Celtics/Magic game tomorrow afternoon. Sorry, boys, but I've got stuff to do, nieces to play with and decals to put on. (Even though the Magic just made a series of trades to revamp their entire lineup and the Celtics are playing as well as any team in the NBA right now. In all honesty, any other day of the year I would be stoked for that because it should be a good game.) You're going to play each other again this year, but my nephew only gets one first Christmas - I'll survive not seeing the game.

Look, I get that we can't shut the country down over one religious holiday. Things like gas stations and supermarkets have to remain open. But the NBA is purely entertainment and doesn't need to be operating on Christmas day. I guess my main issue isn't with the fact that players have to travel all over the place: they are well-compensated as it is and make enough money to bring family with them to an away game if it really bothers them. Also, the fans in the stands have made a decision to go so I'm not worried about them. The people I feel bad for are the people working at the stadiums. Chances are they would rather not spend the holiday at work and even though they are probably told they could ask for the day off with no ramifications I doubt they believe that. Perhaps I'm over-sensitive to this issue due to my time working at Gillette. Every year when the schedule came out I lived in fear that the Patriots would have a home game on Thanksgiving and I would have to work. I'm sure we would have been told that we didn't have to work the game, but it would have been one of those open-ended statements implying that if we didn't want the job they would find someone who did. (Seriously, when I look back at that job I have to wonder why the fuck I stayed there two years.) Anyway, I just wanted to thank Phil for bring this up because he has the clout to get a real discussion started. I don't think he'll be able to reverse having the games on Christmas, but at the very least he let people know not everyone likes it.

Delicious Dish

I spent this afternoon making several batches of cookies, not counting the dozen or so I burned on the first batch. Now, because I am essentially a giant 8 year-old, I can't ever make holiday cookies without thinking about this Saturday Night Live Skit and giggling like an idiot. C'mon, it's two days until Christmas, you can't actually expect me to focus, can you?

Spruce Down!

Last night we finally got around to decorating this year's Christmas tree. We had actually bought it a week and a half ago on what we thought was going to be the last warm day of the year and then let it hang out on the back deck until putting it up in the living room on Saturday. However, after laying down on the deck for almost a week some of the branches had compressed, so we wanted the tree to have a couple days to settle and unfurl to its full potential. Therefore, it took us until last night to finally string lights and over-load it with ornaments. We even took the extra step of rigging up a light so that the Santa on top of the tree would light up for the first time in two decades. So, even though we got it done later than usual this year and it covered my arms in sap which ripped patches of arm hair out as I tried to clean it off, it turned out to be a very nice looking tree... Until this this morning, when I awoke to the news that at some point in the night the tree had toppled over.

Rushing downstairs I found the tree slumped into the middle of the living room, like a roommate who came home from a night of bar-hopping and couldn't quite make it to a couch. And, just like what happens when you find that roommate in the morning, forcing the tree back up onto its feet didn't suddenly make the situation all better. It must have fallen over pretty early, because the side of the tree which was on the floor (which was also the side of the tree with all the ornaments) had taken on a slightly crush, disheveled look. As a bonus, because I had filled the tree stand the night before, not only was the carpet wet, but the padding underneath was also damp. Fortunately, we had just gotten a few new Sham-Wows and while they didn't completely dry everything out, they did help in the fight. A quick assessment of the situation leads me to believe that we did a sup-bar job of centering the tree in the stand. This bothers me to no end, because in all my years I don't think I have ever had a tree fall over on me before. Perhaps we had gotten cocky with all our past success.

Sadly, even though we re-centered the tree in the stand (actually, to be honest, now it probably leans a little towards the back wall) and did our best to reorganize the ornaments and lights, it still just doesn't look quite right. Definitely not as nice as it did pre-fall. My only hope is that with a several hours to adjust being back upright it reverts to the way it was before spending the night on the ground. Because, as of right now, it looks like this was a cartoon and someone just hit the front of our tree with a frying pan. And even though I am confident it isn't in danger of falling over again, I'm still going to give it a few hours before I risk re-filling the stand with water. Also, I may keep my eyes peeled for one of those self-levelling tree stands to go on a post-Christmas sale.

NFL Quickies

Didn't get to these yesterday, as I wanted to get the snow ramblings up. But, a day late never hurt anyone:

-I had to laugh at how people seemed shocked by the fact that Dan Connolly's 71-yard kickoff return was the longest return by a lineman in NFL history. Really, that was surprising to you? Because I thought the previous high of 28 yards was the shocking statistic. I would have put the number around 5. Lineman may be faster than people think, but not when you compare them to the people who are supposed to be on special teams.

-Speaking of that Patriots' game, I have to think that was Coach Belichick's dream scenario: they won the game, but they played poorly and only pulled out the win because the Packers were playing with an inexperienced back-up QB. So, the Patriots keep on chugging for home-field throughout the AFC playoffs, but Bill still gets to scream at them about not taking plays off or reading their own headlines. For example, I bet no one will be able to pull of a 'surprise on-sides kick' for the rest of this season. Thanks, Mike McCarthy.

-Commissioner Roger Goodell said in an interview that he still has a few things he needs to follow up on before he can officially conclude the investigation in Brett Favre's alleged cell-phone conduct. Funny, a week ago when Favre's career looked over the investigation was all done, but once he was cleared the play against the Bears the investigation still had a few loose ends? Look, Commish, just admit you don't want to suspend the guy and we can all move on. To hand down punishment after he retires just makes it look like you were stalling. (I'm sure that's what you were doing, but you don't want to be so obvious about it.)

-Speaking of quarterbacks who should start thinking about retirement, the Redskins' Donovan McNabb said he felt very 'disrespected' by the way he was benched on Sunday. Since it clearly isn't going to work for McNabb long-term in Washington, may I suggest he sign with the Arizona Cardinals? Maybe the dry, desert air will be good for him. Everyone thought Kurt Warner was finished when he signed there and all he did was solidify a Hall of Fame resume. Look, McNabb couldn't be any worse than what they already have. Plus, if he does stink it isn't like anyone will even remember. Hardly anyone even brings up Emmitt Smith's time there (and with good reason). It's a no-lose situation: if you win with the Cardinals you must be one hell of a player and if you don't then it is simply status quo for that organization.

-Sometimes I wonder if the people in charge of designating what constitutes a "breaking" news story even watch the sports they are assigned. Earlier today it was reported that Terrell Owens is unlikely to be brought back by the Bengals. No kidding. He's 37, a free agent and the team was terrible this year. The only thing that will be shocking to me is if Owens' TV shows are renewed. I haven't even seen them and yet I know in my soul they are just awful.

First Snowfall Ramblings

We got the first snowfall to stick around these parts this afternoon. I was out doing the last of my Christmas shopping and people were as crazy as expected. A few thoughts I picked up along the way:

-There is an apartment complex on the way to my sister's house which has its own private golf course attached. You can only play there if you live at the complex, which is annoying as hell to me, because no one ever uses it. I've driven passed this course on the way to my sister's house literally hundreds of times and seen people golfing on it 15 times, if that. Today, in the snow, I saw two foursomes out playing. Two questions: 1. You wait until it starts snowing to take advantage of the fact there is a golf course outside your front door? 2. Will you guys be out there tomorrow? I'm more than willing to join if you'll have me.

-Today's snow was the kind that starts out as just scattered flakes, but gets more serious as the day fades and it gets colder. Now, I understand the people who want to take it easy once the roads start getting slick, but the people I always watch out for are the ones who start slowing down while the ground is still only wet. It's almost as if they are being too careful. If you don't trust yourself to drive on wet pavement then I certainly don't want to be around you once it actually becomes snow.

-The other people who make me cringe are the people who tailgate the sanding trucks. I understand those trucks drive well below the speed limit, which can be frustrating, but aren't those drivers aware of the damage that is being done to their vehicle? Do they hear all those little pellets bouncing off their hood? That's the sound of needing a new paint job.

-I feel like I have to say this every year (and I really shouldn't) but, here's a note to the people in the mall parking lots: just because there is an inch of snow on the ground making it harder to see the white parking lines, that does not mean you are allowed to start parking diagonally. You know the lines are there, dammit, respect them.

-As it currently stands, we have roughly 2 inches (maybe 3) of snow on the ground. You could sweep it away if you even feel the need to clear it off the steps, which currently I do not. A shovel would be overkill. Therefore, to the people I saw on the ride home firing up their snow blowers: move to Florida. You have already lost.

A Holiday Playlist

I know that Christmas music drives a lot of people crazy, but I think that is because they jump in too early. Since I don't start my holiday shopping until the middle of December I don't get over-run by the music in the stores and I don't turn my radio to the all-Christmas station until a couple of days before the 25th. As a result I haven't been listening to the same songs since Thanksgiving and I don't get sick of it. Plus, I avoid all those "All I want for Christmas is the person that I broke up with, because now I know that was a mistake" new-wave holiday songs, which are pretty depressing. Also, I mostly stick to the older holiday music, because the new ones aren't nearly as good. So, with all that criteria in mind, here is my holiday music playlist. Enjoy it for this week and then forget about it until next year. I'm telling you, that's the best plan.

Box Technology Must Advance

Christmas exploded all over my house this afternoon. We have unleashed all sorts of red-and-green goodness in just about every room on the first floor. Don't get me wrong - I love all the decorations and out entire Christmas would feel 'off' if even one of them was missing, I just don't enjoy going into the crawl-space to get them. Also, multiple trips up and down the cellar stairs are not fun either. Still, it could be worse and that was what I wanted to talk about today. The majority of the 15 packages that I had to bring up (plus one fake tree) were large boxes that once held either TVs or computer monitors. These are clearly the best boxes to store things in because not only do they hold a lot of things, but they are nice and square, which makes for easy stacking, and the majority of them come with handles cut into the sides for easy carrying. The problem will be in the future as these boxes start to break down over time, as cardboard is known to do and finding replacements will be difficult.

This was made apparent yesterday when my mom bought my father a flat-screen TV for his birthday. The box it came in will be completely useless when it comes to storing anything. It is long and narrow. It perfectly holds a flat-screen TV, but not much else. So, here's what I need: I need flat-screen TVs to start coming in larger boxes. Now, I know you're probably saying to yourself that will waste a lot of material. However, I have a counter-point: as it stands right now I will be throwing out the flat-screen box as soon as the TV is set up. If the box was bigger and I could actually use it to store things away, then it would be down in my basement containing something that I don't need to see everyday but can't bring myself to throw out and not some landfill. I'm actually helping. It is recycling in the best sense of the word. So, get on this, TV makers of the world. My suggestion is to either include some more packing material or stop making flat-screens so flat.

-Look, I don't want to be the guy who sits here and slams women's sports. I'm openly admitting that almost all female college athletes could kick my ass in any given sport. With that being said, it is insane to compare the UConn women's basketball team which is about to win its 88th game in a row to the UCLA men's team that had a similar win streak back in the 1970s. There are just too few women's programs that are strong enough to put up enough of a fight to say that this is really an 88-game winning streak. Right now I could offer up 12 of the teams that will make it to the women's Sweet Sixteen, because the same teams make it every year. And unless you're playing all 12 of those teams you aren't really facing much competition. Plus, when you factor in that because of a bitter disagreements between their coaches UConn hasn't played Tennessee (who were the major women's college program before UConn took over) at any point in this long win streak, it really de-values what the Huskies have done. It would be like the Duke men's basketball team never playing North Carolina. If you really want to brag about not having lost in almost four years then you need to play more than six tough games a year.

It Might Not Suck

Yesterday it was announced that Miramax has decided to move forward on several sequel projects including a new Bad Santa and another installment of Shakespeare in Love. While neither of those are particularly interesting to me, I am intrigued by the news that they may also pursue a sequel to Rounders. I always like Rounders, finding it to be a very underrated movie. The thing that made it so good was that it was purely a poker movie which came out years before the Texas hold 'em rush of a few years ago and thus had achieved a cult-favorite status among people who considered themselves poker buffs. By beating the fad and already having loyal fans, it was clearly the best of the slew of poker movies which had been hurried into production trying to catch the tail end of the craze. It was really just a movie about poker which didn't dumb down the poker scenes or try and add a love interest to attract a female audience. If you liked Texas hold 'em before it was popular then you liked the movie and if you didn't it was over your head. It was a movie that was ahead of its time. Unfortunately, when Texas hold 'em was on every ESPN channel the movie got a second life and actually became over-rated, but it has since returned to an appropriate level of appreciation.

Now, because it was such a good movie I am worried about what might happen with the sequel. Sometimes a great movie should just be left alone and the writers should not press their luck with a second movie (see: Caddyshack 2). But, here is why I hold out hope: because such a long time has passed since the original came out in 1998, they may have been spending all these years working on an script and as such it might be good. (I know it's a long shot, but a guy can dream.) Also, the other thing working in their favor is that the poker craze has really died back down. ESPN keeps trying to push it on us, but that is only because they over-paid for the right to broadcast the yearly championship and are desperate to bring some type of audience to the television. Because the wave has already crested I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they won't fall into the trappings that often happen to a movie hunting for an audience and keep it strictly as a movie about poker. Also, I don't think it needs Matt Damon or Ed Norton to come back for the sequel. The main guy they need is John Malkovich. You get him to reprise his role as Teddy KGB and everything else will be ok. I know most of the time sequels fall far short of the original, but I'll hold out hope for the Rounders sequel.

-Earlier this afternoon I was working on my computer when I heard a noise outside my front door. I looked out my window in time to see a girl sprinting down my driveway and into a waiting car, which was parked in the middle of the street with the engine still running and the doors left open. I wasn't sure what she had just left on my doorstep and needless to say I was intrigued. Could these be my instructions about how I was to become a secret assassin? It turned out she was just delivering the new phonebooks, but that might have been the shadiest-looking way to deliver a perfectly legal item that I have ever seen.

Bringing You Down With Me

There is an old saying (at least, according to Law & Order) that you never want to admit to anything more than the crime you are being accused of. Well the Jets' special teams coach, Mike Westhoff, apparently doesn't know that saying because not only thinks does he think he's being accused of breaking league rules, he's ready to turn snitch. For those of you who may not have seen the footage the other day, the Jets are catching a little bit of heat because one of their strength and conditioning coaches was standing just off the sidelines during a punt return and stuck his knee out, catching a Miami Dolphin player in the leg. The coach was suspended for the rest of the season (which is not much of a punishment considering strength and conditioning coaches perform 95% of their duties during the offseason). Still, the issue should have been over, but ex-Dolphin Zach Thomas pointed out that the inactive Jets near the strength coach appeared to be very organized into a human wall, which is done so that the gunners from the other team on punt coverage who are pushed out of bounds have less room to work with as they try and get downfield. It is important to note that there is nothing illegal about the human wall as long as the players are back and off the field, as these Jets were. The only issue was the coach tripping the other player.

But when speaking to a group of reporters yesterday Westhoff said that while he didn't teach his inactive players to form a human wall along the sidelines, you see it all the time and that "there is a pretty good team up north that lines up their whole defense when they do it." OK, first off, if you want to accuse the Patriots of doing the same thing you are, just be a man and accuse the Patriots of it. Don't imply or infer - come right out and say it. The Jets built their whole team aura around the fact that they are a tough team who are ready to face anyone, so don't hide behind vague statements. Secondly, this feels cheap because it is very in-fashion right now to blame the Patriots for just about anything. Because the Patriots still have the stigma of Spygate hanging over them people will believe that just about anything you say about them must be true. Plus, the Patriots are playing the best of any team in the league right now, so if you throw their name into the mix that is what people are going to start focusing on. You accuse the smart kids of cheating to get teacher to turn her attention away from you. If Westhoff said that the Bills did it no one would care.

I guess it's better to go down in a group than have to stand in the spotlight alone. What's funny about the whole thing is that the people in the league office aren't even mad about the human wall, just the Jets coach stepping onto the field and tripping a player from the other team. That is the issue here - one lone guy had a moment of temporary insanity. It really should have been a one-day story. But Westhoff is trying to rope the Patriots into something that has nothing to do with them and now the story has a sexy new angle. We're going to have to hear about this story for the rest of the year and into the winter meetings. You can almost guarantee that the competition committee will end up with some kind of new rule banning groups of more than three players standing near each other during kickoffs. It's the equivalent of being pulled over for a broken taillight and before the cop even comes to your window, yelling out, "But, officer, all the other cars were speeding too!" - suddenly we have new stoplights all over the place. And the last thing the NFL needed were any more stoplights.

Holiday Shopping Ramblings

I've spent most of the last two days in malls, trying to get all my Christmas shopping done in just one or two trips. Alas, that was not meant to be. But, I did pick up a few thoughts to share with you now:

-Is it possible to walk passed a keyboard on display without touching the keys to see if it has power? I really don't think it is. The thing is, even if the keyboard is on it is not like I would suddenly be able to sit down and play a concert piece. I haven't played piano a day in my life. Yet, I can't walk by one in a store without wanting to press a couple of keys down. The same thing happens with video games on sale, but at least I have experience using those.

-To the makers of reversible jackets: I understand that the point of your product is so people get two options for wearing the one jacket. It's like you're getting two items for the price of one. However, here's a helpful hint: you should try and make it so that at least one version isn't hideous. Because if they are both ugly then I'm not going to buy it, no matter how much the math is on my side.

-While I'm giving out advice, let me talk to the stores that use colored tags to display sizes: there are more than seven colors in the world, so there is no need to repeat colors for two sizes that are on the opposite ends of the scale. There is nothing worse than seeing a nice shirt from across a couple aisles, running over because usually a tan tag means XXL, only to discover that the XS size tags are also tan. That's just mean. And, if you are going to repeat colors, at least make them close size-wise.

-Perhaps the most unhelpful woman I've ever dealt with was working behind the counter at the mall this evening. I went in and asked for a very specific item by name. She told me that she didn't know what that was and I would, "have to do better than just the name." Oh course, how silly of me to assume you would know anything about the items in your display case. Maybe I should come back later with a detailed layout of the store to show you exactly where the product is located. Anyway, I described it to her and she just looked at me and said, "Yeah, we don't have that" without even checking around. Four seconds ago she had no idea what it was and now she was master of inventory. This is why I should always wear a tie shopping, the service is just so much better.

Now, onto my fellow shoppers:
-If at some point I am looking at a display from a foot or two away and you step in front of me, you're the one who is supposed to say 'excuse me' to me. It does not work the other way around. I'm not apologizing for not being in your way, so do not step in front of me and then look at me expectantly.

-Also, if I am walking to my car carrying three bags, you should not automatically assume I am done for the day and leaving the mall. However, I can see how you might jump to that conclusion, so that's not my issue. My issue was with the lady who literally threw her arms up as I closed my car door and shook my head at her in the universal gesture which means, "Sorry, but I'm not done here." I am allowed to go back to my own car.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

Sold

Here's why I would never be a good salesman: there is something inside of the people who can make a career in sales that pushes them to complete the deal when the potential customer is wavering. I don't have that; in fact, I go the other way and back off. I just don't have the pushy gene in me. This was made apparent the other night. We recently had a gas fireplace installed at our house. [Sidebar: Let me just say it is very pimp to have a remote-controlled fire. I am one remote that makes a disco-ball come out of the ceiling away from being Glen Quagmire.] Anyway, because of the new fireplace being self-contained we no longer needed the glass surround which was on that chimney. I figured I would see if we could get a little money for it on Craig's List. I only wanted $40, so I asked for $50 (as you do with Craig's List). For six days I got exactly one real email about it (and my reply to that email went unanswered) and 40 emails that had "Fireplace" as the email heading, only to turn out to be spam about getting free government money.

However, on that sixth day I got an email from an actual person who wanted to know if the surround was still for sale and if I would take $40. (Apparently waiting until the day an ad expires and then under-bidding is not exclusively an eBay thing). I told the guy sure and he said he would be by on Monday. This is where my not having the pushy gene came in. I spent the rest of Monday going over the fireplace surround like I was inspecting a painting that was to hang in the National Portrait Gallery. I was noticing every little crack and area of rust. I was suddenly convinced this thing wasn't even worth $40. (It is at this point I should point out that it was in front of a fireplace that didn't work for the last 15 years and was in great shape. Also, a new fireplace surround with glass doors and steel mesh curtains would cost you about $300. In retrospect, this guy was getting a deal and a half.) None the less, I was convinced this guy wasn't going to want it and I had wasted his time making him drive over. As it turned out, the entire transaction took about 45 seconds. The guy came in, double-checked my measurements to make sure it would fit over his fireplace, handed me two crisp twenties and was out the door. I guess I'm a better salesman than I thought.

-The Golden Globe nominees were announced today and I have to say something bothered me about them. The Fighter got several nods, as did The King's Speech, which is all fine because they are allegedly very good, except those movies haven't actually come out yet. I understand that the rules state the movie only has to have been released by the end of the calendar year, but what fun is it to honor movies no one else can go see yet? If anything, you would think that it would be better for the film industry as a whole if they stuck to only nominating movies that are already in nation-wide release, because it would help spark ticket sales (look how well The Hurt Locker did after it got all those Oscar nods). This would be like the NFL boarding up training camp, cancelling all the exhibition games and then leaving it to the beat writers to tell me how good the Patriots look for the upcoming season. The point I'm trying to make is this: film critics rarely speak for the masses. Just because they say something is going to be great doesn't mean it will be. After all, according to all the hype I was supposed to love Avatar and let's just say I was under-whelmed by the final product.

When A Plan Comes Together

Lost amidst the amazing video of the roof collapsing in Minnesota is the fact that the NFL has really managed to screw this situation up. Obviously, because of the damage to the stadium, the game between the Vikings and the Giants had to shift locations. And, since the Giants didn't bring any cold weather gear with them, they needed to play in another dome. Ultimately the game is going to be played in Detroit tonight, meaning the stands will be filled with pro-Lions (and therefore anti-Vikings) fans. Suddenly what was supposed to be a home-field advantage for the Vikings has swung the other way and favors the Giants. Also, the tickets are going to be free and general admission to the public, but preferential seating will be awarded to those people who had tickets to the game at the Metro Dome. I'm not quite sure how it's going to work, but allow me to enter a guess: not well. I've been to sporting events where everyone had assigned seating and fights still broke out. I'm positive the people who routinely sit in the nosebleeds are going to be itching to sit in the lower bowl for once in their lives and there are only so many of those to go around. It could get ugly. The good news is that, because Monday Night Football has exclusive football rights for the night and they are committed to another game, no one will get to see it.

Here's why this is such an issue with me: The NFL had time to put contingency plans in place. Following the attacks of September 11th, the NFL cancelled that weekend's slate of games and made the decision to simply push everything, including the Super Bowl, back a week. However, because the Super Dome had an event scheduled for the week after the Super Bowl was originally scheduled, it ended up costing the NFL millions to get the other event to change venues. After that the NFL immediately started scheduling a bye week between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl to avoid having to pay that kind of money ever again. Boom, done - issue resolved. A couple years later, after Hurricane Katrina ransacked New Orleans, the NFL faced a similar situation of having to scramble to find a location to play. They ultimately decided to play the Saints/Giants game in Giants Stadium, except they claimed the Saints were the home team, despite playing in front of a crowd that was 95% Giants fans. (Weird that both of these weather issues have favored the Giants). As you would expect, the NFL was roundly criticised for how they handled that. Now, luckily I can say the following statement: this country has a lot more weather issues than terrorist attacks, yet the NFL is ready for one and not the other. You would think reality would lend itself to the NFL taking the five years since Katrina to have cancellation plans in place for every team. (Especially Minnesota, considering this is the fifth time the roof there has collapsed since the place was built in 1982). But, clearly they don't. So, allow me to give the NFL a heads-up now - long-range forecasts are calling for snow next Sunday night when the Packers play the Patriots. Perhaps you should be aware of that now so these two teams don't end up playing in Atlanta.

-While we're on the subject of the NFL, let me just say that if you are a Jets fan the most disturbing thing to come out of yesterday's game was not that Mark Sanchez played terribly, but that your strength and condition coach tripped an opposing player during the kick return. For those of you who didn't see it, the Jets' coach was standing on the sidelines with a group of inactive players and subtly (but not subtly enough), stuck his knee out and took down a Dolphin player who was running down the sidelines. Here's why it's such a bad sign for the Jets: the strength coach is always the most plugged-in guy among the coaching staff. They know every player on the team and are seen more as a equal and buffer to the staff than a coach. So, if this guy was so frustrated that he would risk severe penalty (and even his job) to step onto the playing field, that says a lot about the frustration level of the players. I get that they were coming off one of the worst performances of the year, but if they really were still as confident in themselves as they maintained they were after the Patriots game then the coaches wouldn't be stepping in to try and take down players from the other team. It looks like a huge crack in the bravado, which was what made the Jets so good the first half of the season. I think Sanchez is going to be fine, but when you see what the coaches are doing you have to wonder if the rest of his teammates feel as strongly as I do.

A Snowy Interlude

Oh, it's a video daily-double.

Currently there is a huge snowstorm shellacking the upper-Midwest. Minneapolis got 20 inches of heavy, wet snow over the past couple of days and it appears that, even with the best engineers on the case, sometimes Mother Nature is just determined to win. The roof of the Metro Dome collapsed during the night, causing the game between the Vikings and Giants to be moved to Detroit. While that stinks for the teams and the Minnesota home fans, it did give us the what may be the video of the year. The stadium had cameras running all night, so we got to watch the roof cave it. It's kind of awe-inspiring.

<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video/?vid=ca15cffb-3b66-49a0-84ca-20ed0a175567&from=IV2_en-us_foxsports_videocentral_player" target="_new" title="NFL on FOX: Metrodome collapse">Video: NFL on FOX: Metrodome collapse</a>

Now, as for the actual musical interlude for the week, this storm was so large it reached Chicago, where the Patriots were playing the Bears. And while watching two tough teams play in snow is really fun, it is more fun when the game is away and all that snow is not falling outside your front door. I'm sure I'll be shoveling soon enough, but for now I appreciate all we've got is rain.

You Know What? Don't Bother.

Nothing excites me more than flipping through the TV menu and noticing a great movie that I haven't seen in a while is randomly in the guide. However, nothing makes me sadder than the three-second later revelation that the movie is on basic cable and therefore going to be edited and sanitised for the general public. Complete scenes have been removed and the dialog is choppy with edits. And some of the voice-dubs for clean alternatives to the actual dialog can be down-right painful at times. I understand why it has to happen, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. If a movie has particularly salty language or violence than I would almost rather the basic-cable channels not even bother to acquire the rights because it ruins the viewing experience.

Recently I was watching Tropic Thunder on FX, a network that lets a lot more slide than most, and they still had edited that movie to shreds. I was particularly disappointed because they editing things out of the movie which they would have allow to stay in any number of FX original shows. Why you can say shit on Sons of Anarchy, but not there is something I simply don't understand. I find it to be a very weird double-standard. I was going to let it slide, but then I noticed that someone had put together a collage of some of the more terrible edits done in one video. Apparently, I'm not the only person this bothers. I wouldn't play it at work, but I thought it was funny.

More Sporties

-I'm always interested to see how the fans of another team react when you sign away one of their players in free agency. They've seen that guy in every possible situation and you'll get the real deal from them - no organizational spin about how perfect the guy is for the system or that they were lucky he was even available. For example, when the Red Sox signed John Lackey last season Angels fans' attitude was one of, "We'd like to have kept him, but not at that price. He ain't that good." (Which, by the way, was a very accurate assessment.) Anyway, I was anxious to hear the Rays fans feelings about Crawford signing a monster deal within the division. The problem was I didn't hear a peep. I guess you need fans to have fan reactions.

-My first reaction to the Crawford signing was almost one of guilt. Getting Crawford a few days after Adrian Gonzalez is an embarrassment of riches. However, then I remembered that Sox fans pay some of the highest ticket prices of any fanbase, those prices are most likely about to go up again, no one will complain about it and that crappy baseball stadium won't have an unsold seat for the next three seasons. I wouldn't go so far as to say we deserved to get great players, but Sox fans are a hell of a lot more worthy than Miami Heat fans.

-So, there was an auction earlier this afternoon featuring the original document containing the 13 rules that Dr. James Naismith drew up when he invented basketball in 1891. Sounds like a very cool item to own for anyone who considers themselves a basketball junkie. If I had some spending money I would have definitely put down a bid or two. However, something tells me I wouldn't have made it too far into the action, as the two pieces of paper ended up being auctioned off for more than $4 million. Yeah, that's a little out of my price range.

-The Heisman trophy is being given away tomorrow and presumed winner Cam Newton has said that his father won't be in attendance after allegations that Cecil Newton solicited money from schools in exchange for his son's commitment to play there. Let me say this: I don't doubt Cecil Newton asked for money, I don't doubt he got money and I don't doubt that Cam knew what was going on the entire time. That being said, I don't have any proof and clearly neither does the NCAA, so I really hope Cecil Newton changes his mind and goes to watch his son get the trophy. In a few years the committee is most likely going to come and take the Heisman back, so don't let them take the memory of watching your son receive the trophy away as well.

-Yesterday Martina Navratilova* was forced to abandon her attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro after she began suffering problems from the high altitude. The former tennis champion wanted to climb the mountain and hit tennis balls at the peak to raise money and awareness for a children's sports foundation. She had made it most of the way, but was forced to abandon the climb just shy of 15,000 feet. Apparently, it had been tough going with snow and wind. Plus, as Navratilova posted on a blog, "It was constantly steep." Really? The mountain was steep? I'm willing to overlook the snow, because weather happens. But you didn't plan for how steep a mountain was? Didn't anyone tell you what you were getting into? Who was in charge of planning this little venture? Next time have a bake sale.

*I'm fascinated by the fact that Navratilova is in my spell-check, as well as Kilimanjaro, yet Sox is not.

Hall Of Fame Performances

Earlier this week the International Boxing Hall of Fame announced this year's group of inductees. (Pop quiz: where is the International Boxing Hall of Fame located?*) The biggest names on the list were Mike Tyson and Julio Cesar Chavez. Considering I'm only a marginal boxing fan and I have heard of both of those people I assume those to be wise choices. Also among the honorees was actor Sylvester Stallone. Stallone is being inducted for his contributions to the sport, which also makes a tremendous amount of sense. Normally I would expect a Hall of Fame to only want to include people actively involved in the sport, such as fighters, managers or journalists, but Stallone's Rocky movies probably did more positive promotional work for the sport than the people in charge of marketing for all the various boxing organizations combined. How many people have run up a long flight of stairs, only to turn around with their arms raised once they reach the last step?

Anyways, this got me to thinking about actors and sports movies. If each Hall of Fame was going to induct one actor, who would it be? Here's who I came up with:

Baseball: Kevin Costner. Probably would have made it for Fields of Dreams alone, but Bull Durham took it to another level. However, For Love of the Game almost took him out of it. Let's only hope he doesn't press his luck with any more baseball movies.

Football: Jamie Foxx. His portrayal of Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday was perfect. He was athletic enough to look believable as a quarterback and played the role of guy given too much, too soon with the right mix of swagger and insecurity.

Basketball: Gene Hackman. This was a tough one, because it was basically a question of which was my favorite basketball movie. But, his locker room speeches from Hoosiers are a staple of fourth quarter montages on jumbotrons across the NBA.

Hockey: Paul Newman. His work in Slap Shot was fantastic and that is still most likely the best hockey movie ever made. Sorry, Emilio Estevez. This could have been your spot if you had only made more than a cameo appearance in Mighty Ducks 3.

Soccer: Michael Caine. I'll admit my soccer movie knowledge consists of Victory and Bend It Like Beckham. And since Stallone is already in the boxing Hall and Pele is an actual soccer player, Caine is what we have left.

Golf: Bill Murray. I have yet to play a round of golf that has not included at least one of his lines from Caddyshack.

Auto Racing: Tom Cruise. What's amazing is that, as Cole Trickle in Days of Thunder, he was realistically-sized for the sport he was attempting. I would never buy Cruise as a football player, but race car driver? That I can believe.

Horse Racing: All the horses that played Seabiscuit. Screw Toby Maguire. He just sat there while the horses had to do all the running, take after take.

Tennis: Ummm, Paul Bettany from Wimbledon? I don't know - pickings were slim and I didn't even see this. You think of a tennis movie.

(*Answer: The International Boxing Hall of Fame is located in Canastota, NY, which is east of Syracuse. Of course it is. Canastota is very international.)

Not Rakauskas-Grade

Following the first time that I was not allowed to play Pop Warner football because I was over the size limit, I made peace with the fact that I am not tiny. This realization was made easier because I don't come from tiny people. It is not breaking news when I inform you my family doesn't shop for anything in size small or medium. Even the people we import through marriages are not little. (All that being said, I don't want you to think we're giants of circus-freak proportions. We just run taller than the average household.) I bring this up because, due to a home-improvement project, I have had to spend an unusual amount of time under a sink during the past few days, dealing with the fact that the hot water shut-off valve in my house is only for show. It was a very cramped space and not conducive to anyone who has hands like bear claws. I was also not helped by the fact that the tools which were included in the box broke while I was using them, simply because I like my bolts to be nice and tight. Clearly, whoever is in charge of research and development for Moen is a weak person with small hands. Anyway, the time I spent looking up at the bottom of a sink made me think about all the jobs in this world which are not made for people my size. Here are five careers no one in my family will ever attempt:

• Jockey: This is really for the horse as much as it is for any of us.
  
• Host of Dirty Jobs: Love that show, but Mike Rowe has to squeeze himself into some tight spaces. If a Rakauskas was to ever host that show it would have to be retitled, Dirty Jobs That Can Be Done In A Field.
  
• Fighter Pilot: We barely have enough leg room on a normal plane, now you want to squeeze us into one of those cockpits? If we ever had to eject we'd be leaving our knees behind. While we're on the subject of tight spaces and things that go fast...
  
• Racecar Driver. A couple of years ago I called the Richard Petty driving experience because I wanted to get my brother a ride in an actual NASCAR. I asked the woman if there were any height or weight restrictions and she told that the could accommodate almost anyone, the person just "Couldn't be something like seven feet and over 250 pounds. " Oh... never mind.
  
• Model Ship-Builder. Have you ever seen how small and delicate the pieces of those stupid things are? That box had better come with lots of extras or it isn't getting done.

That Would Come In Handy... Never

As happens every December, my family has entered catalog season. For those of you unfamiliar with catalog season, it is the period between October and January when the occurrence of checking the mail leads to the almost-daily discovery that your personal information has been sold to yet another retailer you have never done business with before. Wave after wave of catalogs arriving from stores you have never heard of, delivering deals on products you wouldn't buy in a million years, even with someone else's money. I would take myself off of all these mailing lists, but I'm not sure where I would even begin, considering I don't know how we got on them in the first place. Instead, I try to make a positive out of the negative by making a game out of flipping through these catalogs and looking for the stupidest Christmas gift available. I think we finally have it this year. It would be the all-season sled.

Now, for the moment I want you to overlook the fact that every sled can be made into an all-season sled if the rider is feeling brave enough. I also want you to ignore the reality that sledding is one of those activities that always sounds way more fun than it ever ends up being. No, what I want to focus on is the fact that this inventor didn't take the easy route one would expect them to and just put wheels on the bottom of a regular sled. Instead this inventor wants you to take the time to freeze a couple sheets of ice and attach them to the bottom of the sled so that you can sled on grass. (Something tells me the inventor was on grass when they thought of this as well.) This way you just don't get a the thrill of sledding down a perfectly good patch of grass in warm weather - you get to literally freeze your ass off as well. Because nothing is more fun on a hot summer day than a cold, harsh reminder that you'll be shoveling snow before too long.

-So, just one week after the Denver Broncos owner said he would be the coach for the rest of the year, Josh McDaniels was fired yesterday. I'm not surprised that McDaniels didn't work in Denver, but I am surprised that it flamed out this fast. I would have expected at least three seasons before Josh's act of trying to be Bill Belichick without having the resume to back it up would start grating on his players. Also, you can't give a first-time head coach complete control over personnel decisions. It is a recipe for disaster. Now, that being said, I still expect McDaniels to eventually be a good NFL head coach some day. First off, he's very young by NFL coaching standards and secondly he does have a good offensive mind. I think he'll take this firing like a man and stay around the NFL as a coordinator. (However, it will not be back in New England. Sorry, Josh, but we're doing just fine without you and don't think Bill didn't catch that report during SpyGate II that taping opposing team's practice was taught around here. We'll forgive failure, we won't forgive trying to throw your old team under the bus. If you had such a problem with it you wouldn't have brought the video coordinator from the Patriots with you to Denver.) Still, next time around McDaniels will be much more experienced and ready to handle the job. Consider his time with the Broncos to be a very expensive internship.

Try A Different Approach

Every year it seems as though there is one show on TV that everyone tells me I simply must start watching. (Previous entries into this category have included Lost, 24, Heroes, Survivor and The X-Files.) Because I have never been one to take directions about what I have to do outside of work or school very well, I ended up watching a grand total of zero of those shows. This year the show that everyone told me I had to start watching was Terriers on FX. It was supposed to be original and well-written. I watched the first episode and didn't see what all the hype was about, so I never made it a point to go back, though I would watch it if I stumbled upon a rerun and there were no better options. Apparently, I was not the only person who was doing this, as Terriers was cancelled this afternoon after just one season due to poor ratings (which is saying something as FX has lower standards for ratings than most other networks). Almost immediately people on the Internet began to put out the call to fans of the show to create pages in an attempt to convince FX to bring the show back for another season and maybe give it a better name to let non-viewers know it was not, as the title would suggest, a show about dogs. I'm going to politely ask the people in charge of this to halt their efforts and just the show go.

Look, I know it doesn't seem fair when shows that try something new get cancelled while programs like Skating With The Stars and Wife Swap keep getting renewed. However, starting a campaign with a core principle of "Everyone who didn't watch just didn't get it!" is not going to help your cause. In fact, it is most likely going to push people the other way. There is something extremely grating about the people who honestly believe that if you don't like the same things as them then there must be something wrong you. For example, I'm sure that Undeclared was a fine show. Since I am a fan of just about everyone who worked on it, it would stand to reason that had I seen it the first time around I might have liked it. The problem is that in the years since it was cancelled so many people have gotten up in my face about how brilliant it was and how stupid the people who didn't watch it must be that I now hate that show with the fire of a thousand suns. (Same goes for Freaks & Geeks.)

Let's be honest with each other - if a show like Heroes, which had a serious and devoted fanbase, couldn't be saved through the power of the Internet, then a show watched by half a million people doesn't have a chance if it tries going the same route. Instead, here's my advice to Terrier fans if they really want the show back: buy several copies of the first season on DVD. No one at FX is going to pay attention to some fan sight, but they will pay attention if DVD sales are very high. Then start handing them out to friends and family for birthdays or other gift-giving events and try to get more people hooked that way. If enough people show interest then some other network will start to air the show on reruns. Start a grassroots campaign that way. It worked to get Family Guy back on the air, which is the only show I can think of that was successful brought back after being cancelled. If not the only other thing you can do is wait for ten years and hope the Sundance channel picks it up, because they have become the channel where cancelled shows get new life.

A Frustrated Musical Interlude

Sometimes I can get a little too cocky about my home-improvement skills. Let me just say it is a big step up from replacing a disposal to replacing a dishwasher. We tried to do that this weekend, and while the dishwasher is in, it was a bigger hassle than it should have been, hence the song.

A Few Sporties

-I forgot to write about this yesterday, but I wanted to commend the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers for their behavior during Thursday night's game against LeBron James and the Miami Heat. Once that game got out of hand (and especially considering the way it got out of hand - with LeBron just dominating the game on both ends), things could have gotten very ugly and one or two bad apples could have made the entire city look stupid. Instead it sounds like everyone behaved like adults and it never got passed some very loud booing of Mr. James. I know it may sound like I set an extremely low bar, but when it comes to sports fans I learned a long time ago that being an optimist has to take a back seat to being a realist.

-Having never attended either a school in Texas or a Big 12 school, I'm going to have to plead regional ignorance on this one, but when news came earlier this week that TCU would be switching conferences and joining the Big East, I had to scratch my head. Wouldn't it have made more geographical sense for a school near Fort Worth, Texas join a conference like the Big 12, which features school from neighboring states instead of the Big East, which was founded as a collection of school on the Northeast I-95 corridor? Plus, with Nebraska and Colorado leaving for other schools, wouldn't you think that the Big 12 would have wanted to add a strong football school to maintain it's status as an elite conference and also have the magic number of 12 schools that you need to keep a that most money-making of games, the conference championship? Just seemed to me to be a natural fit.

-So, where do we all think Jonathan Papelbon is going to be next season? Now that word has leaked that the Red Sox were prepared to jettison him for a 41 year-old Mariano Rivera you can't imagine that Papelbon is going to be too pleased with the organization. And, given the facts that Paps is coming off a down year, he was already annoyed about his contract and the Red Sox were clearly open to the idea of using someone else to close games, I wouldn't be shocked if Cinco-Ocho was relocated before next season. My money is on Atlanta.

-Earlier today the University of Cincinnati was playing against Pittsburgh in a snowy stadium. After a Pittsburgh player scored several students from Cincinnati started throwing snowballs at him, including the student in the Cincinnati Bearcat mascot costume. The students were warned by security, including the mascot, except the mascot went the extra step of pushing the security guard. He was detained and charged with disorderly conduct while the school went to the back-up mascot. While I assume this will be the greatest mugshot in history, I am shocked to know that schools even have back-up mascots. What would have happened if this game was in Pittsburgh? Do they travel with extra costumes? I'm full of questions.

It's All For Sale

Yesterday there was a big announcement that the 2022 World Cup is going to be played in Qatar. (Let me say this about the World Cup committee: they know how to put on a show. This was one of the first stories on ESPN yesterday and, considering the event isn't for another 12 years and there were important NBA and NFL games being played last night, that's impressive.) When Qatar won out over larger countries like Japan and the United States people immediately began claiming that the fix had to be in. After all, Qatar is a small country about the size of Connecticut with no stadium infrastructure, tight restrictions about alcohol consumption in public (hope the English soccer hooligans enjoy getting around those) and, according to reports, temperatures which generally hover between 100 and 1000 degrees. Even though they claim they will be able to build air-conditioned soccer stadiums by the times the games start, it does not sound like the kind of place that would normally be chosen to host a world-wide event, let alone an outdoor sporting contest, so immediately people started to complain that the country had bought the World Cup. To which I say: of course they did.

Anytime that a country is chosen to host an event of this magnitude I assume it is because they bought it. The people in charge of announcing the decision can say it was because they made the best presentation or had the best plan in place, but cynical people like me will pretty much always assume it was because that country paid off the people in charge of picking these sort of things, which is also why people fight to be on committees like that to begin with. I mean, you always hear that people in small towns are bribing teachers and coaches to get their kids onto teams. If it's happening for something so insignificant then of course it would happen to an event like the World Cup. It is because of this belief that I think people would stop getting so upset about not being awarded an event if they stopped looking at the selection process as a fair competition and began to think about it in terms of what it truly is: a silent auction. All you can really do is put in your bid, hope that you wagered enough and keep your fingers crossed that someone didn't swoop in at the last second like some eBay ringer.

Let me just also say that I am totally on board with Qatar. Look, I wasn't going to the World Cup anyway, so put it wherever you wish - put it on the moon for all I care. If the US had won it was very likely that Gillette Stadium would have hosted one of the qualifier rounds, meaning it would have taken place within ten miles of where I currently am sitting and I still wouldn't have gone. So, at least this way I don't have to deal with the traffic. Also, this just makes sense for the Qatar National soccer team. Currently, they rank 113 out of 207 teams, which means they had almost no chance of qualifying on their own. But, by being a host nation, they get an automatic qualifier. (See, told you it was just like some small-town mom buying her uncoordinated child a seat on the varsity bench.) They'll show up, be soundly thrashed in the opening rounds and the rest of the world will be able to go on about their World Cup viewing while complaining about the heat. The way I see it, as long as there are no vuvuzelas we are all winners.

Did You Want Fries With That?

For lunch yesterday Liz and I went to the Yard House in Dedham after some holiday shopping. (Ironically, we went to a restaurant with over a hundred brands of beer on tap and neither of us had any alcohol.) We both ended up ordering the slider mini-burgers, and with those we were offered our choice of fries. We could either stick with regular fries, try garlic fries or take the advice of Jamie, our waitress, who highly recommended the truffle fries. For those of you who have never had truffle fries before (and I'm assuming that would be most of you) those are fries which are cooked in truffle oil and then covered with herbs and cheese. According to our waitress they were incredible. Despite Jamie's strong endorsement, Liz stuck to standard fries while I decided to be adventurous (at least what counts as adventurous for me) and have the truffle fries.

So, our meals arrived and I tried them. They were... fine. A little heavy on the garlic for my tastes, but I was perfectly content to eat them. However, a couple minutes later Jamie came up with another plate of fries and informed me that they had accidentally given me garlic fries and these were my truffle fries. I have to say I appreciated her honesty, because it's not like I would have ever known. Having never had truffle fries before I have no idea what they were supposed to taste like, so I would have simply assumed they tasted the same as garlic fries and gone about my day. Now I have two orders of fries to get through, both of which are very herb-flavored. I'm sure the truffle fries were fine, but at this point all I could taste was garlic. (I'm also sure that some of you out there are thinking that I didn't have to eat both orders of fries, to which I say you clearly don't know me or my love of a challenge.)

At this point our waitress comes back and is simply dying to know what I thought of the truffle fries. I think she was disappointed that I wasn't blown away by them, while Liz's review of the one she tried was short and to the point, "They taste like Earth." I'm not sure poor Jamie knew what to make of that comment. The sliders were excellent, if that is any consolation. So, while I will recommend you try the Yard House if you are in the area, you don't need to go out of your way to have the special fries. You'd probably just end up with garlic fries anyway.

I'm The One Who Gets To Choose

While I am not a civil engineer, I am an adult and therefore I understand that occasionally, when given only a certain amount of space to work with, condensing four lanes of traffic down to only two has to happen. It simply can't be helped unless you want to build a new tunnel or bridge and forcing people to merge is just more cost-effective. Now, because I have been driving successfully for the past 14 years I also know that the best way to ease this merging is to alternate cars from each lane so that everyone knows when it is their turn to go; as such no one has to wait to make sure they have the opening and it speeds the entire process up. However, because I have been driving in this state for this long I also know that rarely happens. Other people are never thrilled to leave an opening for cars to alternate and thus when you stop to let one car in, four are going to attempt to squeeze into the same area. (Make no mistake about it, I am as guilty of this as the next person.) Still, since I am such a nice guy, I usually try to let at least one car in.

The thing is, you shouldn't mistake kindness for weakness - this doesn't mean I'm about to let just anyone merge in front of me. I am not above making snap decisions about people based on three seconds of observations. For example, if I pause to give you the wave in and you don't immediately fill in the gap then, BOOM, the offer is rescinded. I hate traffic as it is, I certainly do not plan to spend it stuck behind a person who isn't paying attention to the cars around them. That is why I rarely allow anyone over the age of 70 to pull in front of me. You may say that it's ageism, but I'm just being realistic. Older drivers are never aggressive enough for my tastes and they are also far too content to cruise below the speed limit.

Still, older drivers are not the worse people to let merge in front of you. The absolute worst decision I could make (and I made it tonight, hence the post) is to let someone pull in front of me and then watch in horror as they are filled with some kind of immediate urge to 'pay it forward' and let the next car that they see pull in front of them without even a glimpse at who they are letting in or whether or not it is a good idea. They think that by showing me they are also willing to let cars merge in front of them I will assume they are some kind of humanitarian. All that actually happened was you let another car, driven by someone who is on the phone and not paying attention, get between me and a light that goes from green to yellow to red in a total of 15 seconds. Awesome. I could have been next in line, now I'm third. I immediately regretted the decision and did not let anyone get into my lane for the rest of my drive home. I hope this serves as a lesson to you all - being nice on a Massachusetts road does not help you in the end.