Yes, That Would Be Worse

So, last night I once again danced with the devil that is Facebook, activating an account in an attempt to win a flat-screen TV. After sending in my entry, I was reviewing the people who at one time or another had sent me a friend request. Amongst them was an ex-girlfriend, or should I say the ex-girlfriend. The one I had planned my future and named our kids with before finding out I ranked below a patch of desert on her list of priorities. Now even though this woman was the exact reason I never had a Facebook page for more than 10 minutes, against my better judgement I decided to check out her profile. It was at that point I found out she has become engaged to the fellow she dated after me. Awesome. While this was not exactly news because I had suspected it for a while and every girl I fall in love with ends up marrying the next guy she dates, it still was mind-numbing to read it there in black and white. I had always secretly (alright, not so secretly) hoped/prayed/long for an eventual reunion, because even though we had broken up I didn't (want to) believe our relationship was forever destroyed. In my mind we hadn't even broken up for a very good reason and when we had it was with an understanding a reconciliation was possible once she returned. I just thought if we could get together and talk about it we would see that we were better together, which had happened before.

However, seeing that she is going to marry someone else was like a sudden and violent end to that hope, like a guillotine dropping. Suddenly the wind was taken from my sails as I felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the stomach and I was gripped with strong emotions that my night (and life) were pretty much ruined. However, in an unusual twist, my disappointed lasted roughly twelve hours. This was unlike last year, when finding out she had been in a new relationship with this person from pretty much the moment we had broken up sent me into a month-long tailspin that had me sitting in a dark room, punching walls and snapping at people. It appears my mind was simply not in the mood for another round of that shit. After tossing and turning for hours and fighting with the knowledge that some other man was going to be living the life I had envisioned for myself, I finally fell asleep. My dreams were then haunted by visions of my ex-girlfriend and her new husband buying the house next to mine, coming over and asking me to build them shelves. (Ignoring the shelves thing for a minute, I found it fascinating since I never met the man that my brain gave him a voice.)

Anyways, I awoke drenched in sweat but with a dry mouth and had to calm myself down as my heart was beating rapidly. I calmly reminded myself that not only are they, in fact, not moving next door, but that I haven't seen this girl almost three years and as they live in a part of the state I never go to, there is no reason to imagine that streak ending now. If I never want to see them, then I don't have to. As bad as I was feeling when I went to bed, I woke up with a calmness that comes from remembering that out of site = out of mind and even though something feels bad at the moment, it could always be worse. In that regards, big ups to my subconscious. Still, I am forever deleting my Facebook account, because I don't want a flat-screen TV enough to put myself through that again.