Not Rakauskas-Grade

Following the first time that I was not allowed to play Pop Warner football because I was over the size limit, I made peace with the fact that I am not tiny. This realization was made easier because I don't come from tiny people. It is not breaking news when I inform you my family doesn't shop for anything in size small or medium. Even the people we import through marriages are not little. (All that being said, I don't want you to think we're giants of circus-freak proportions. We just run taller than the average household.) I bring this up because, due to a home-improvement project, I have had to spend an unusual amount of time under a sink during the past few days, dealing with the fact that the hot water shut-off valve in my house is only for show. It was a very cramped space and not conducive to anyone who has hands like bear claws. I was also not helped by the fact that the tools which were included in the box broke while I was using them, simply because I like my bolts to be nice and tight. Clearly, whoever is in charge of research and development for Moen is a weak person with small hands. Anyway, the time I spent looking up at the bottom of a sink made me think about all the jobs in this world which are not made for people my size. Here are five careers no one in my family will ever attempt:

• Jockey: This is really for the horse as much as it is for any of us.
  
• Host of Dirty Jobs: Love that show, but Mike Rowe has to squeeze himself into some tight spaces. If a Rakauskas was to ever host that show it would have to be retitled, Dirty Jobs That Can Be Done In A Field.
  
• Fighter Pilot: We barely have enough leg room on a normal plane, now you want to squeeze us into one of those cockpits? If we ever had to eject we'd be leaving our knees behind. While we're on the subject of tight spaces and things that go fast...
  
• Racecar Driver. A couple of years ago I called the Richard Petty driving experience because I wanted to get my brother a ride in an actual NASCAR. I asked the woman if there were any height or weight restrictions and she told that the could accommodate almost anyone, the person just "Couldn't be something like seven feet and over 250 pounds. " Oh... never mind.
  
• Model Ship-Builder. Have you ever seen how small and delicate the pieces of those stupid things are? That box had better come with lots of extras or it isn't getting done.