Weekly Sporties

-After the major league season ends it is not uncommon for baseball players to head off and play some sort of winter league season. Not only can they use this shorter season to stay in shape, but often foreign-born players use their fame to help grow the game in their native countries with some major league players even owning the team they are playing for. As long as you don't get hurt, everyone wins. Well, as long as you don't get hurt or do anything that might get you suspended for the MLB season, which is the exact situation that Texas Rangers' catcher Yorvit Torrealba is facing. Torrealba was playing in a league back in his native Venezuela when he disagreed with an ump's call. He disagreed so much that he actually punched the umpire in the face, getting himself suspended from that league for 66 games, which is the rest of this season and all of next season. People are left to wonder if he could face some discipline from Major League Baseball. Technically he wasn't representing the Rangers or MLB at the time, so some people think it is none of their concern. Personally, I don't see how they can ignore it: the video went viral and has been seen by a lot of people so they can't exactly claim ignorance of the circumstances. (I know Bud Selig isn't a fan of replay, but this may be one video he may be forced to watch.) Torrealba shouldn't get 66 games, but I can't see him getting off with nothing.

-Another fight in the news this week happened on Christmas Day (Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Men, my ass) between the Celtics' Kevin Garnett and the Knicks' Bill Walker. After Garnett missed what would have been a game-tying shot at the buzzer, he and Walker began exchanging words. After getting closer to one another, Garnett shoved Walker by the throat. Now, I'm not going to defend Garnett because his actions are indefensible. This is exactly the kind of crap he pulls all the time, which can make it hard to be a Garnett fan sometimes. He is always picking on guys who are smaller and less-famous than him and he's damn lucky he wasn't suspended for this. That being said, Walker didn't exactly help himself out either. Watch the video - after Garnett shoves him Walker is backing up with his arms above his head, like he's being robbed. He doesn't do a damn thing until his teammate grabs him by the waist, at which point now he can't wait to get his hands on Garnett. It's the classic, "I don't want to fight... I don't want to fight...You're lucky my teammates are holding me back!" And basketball players wonder why people never put them on the 'toughest athletes' list.

-I'm always slightly amused when coaches make declarations about events several years in the future. Most of these guys can't promise where they will be in a year and we're supposed to think they have a plan mapped out for five years down the road? That is why I found it so interesting when Rick Pitino announced that after his current contract with Louisville expires in 2017 he'll be retiring. All this tells me is that Rick Pitino will be coaching somewhere else in 2019. First off, Pitino doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who has a ton of outside hobbies. I know he owns horses, but I can't see him spending his days at the stables. My guess is that he is starting to get itchy at Louisville and figures this is the best way to not sign a contract extension without it becoming a news story. His son is already at the school as the associate coach and I'm sure it is only a matter of time before they set up a line of succession, like Bobby Knight did with his son down at Texas Tech. Then Rick will do some TV and he'll be back on the sidelines within a couple years someplace else. I'm not sure if he'll try and find a bigger school to coach at, but I do know this much: it won't be a job in the NBA.

-Judging by the uptick in people showing up on a specific older post, many people are interested in the blood transfusion that Kobe Bryant had a couple months back. For those of you who don't remember it, Kobe flew to Germany to meet with a doctor who performed this procedure in which they take blood from one part of your body, put it into a centrifuge to get the blood's natural healing proteins stimulated and then inject the blood back into the patient's problem area. It is supposed to be a miracle of modern science. At the time I said that while the entire thing seems futuristic and a bit shady it was cleared by every league involved, so it must be on the up-and-up. However, that was before this week, when it was revealed that Yankees' slugger Alex Rodriguez had the same procedure done, allegedly at the recommendation of Kobe. I am now fully convinced that this is just a new way to inject steroids into an athlete's body without getting caught. Sorry, but there is a tipping point I have where the scales of suspicion surrounding any slightly shady medical procedure slide from "Yeah, it's probably legit" to "Nope, I'm pretty sure they're cheating." That tipping point typically is the moment Alex Rodriguez gets involved. Some people simply don't get the benefit of the doubt anymore.

-Since we've just talked about two athletes I can't stand, let's get the trifecta out of the way. After months of saying how he was ready to come back and had interest from numerous NFL teams, this week it was announced that former 49er/Eagle/Cowboy/Bill and Bengal Terrell Owens is close to signing with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League. Let me say that again: the Indoor Football League. That's not even the Arena League. This isn't even like a guy trying to hitch on for one last season by signing with a AAA team, this would be more akin to a guy signing with an Independent League team. Now, allegedly this offer comes not only with a contract in the mid-six figure range, but will also include part-ownership of the team. That sounds great, but I've seen teams like this before: they come and go on a whim and even when they are still in operation there is no guarantee they are making any money. It is not like he was offered ownership of an NFL franchise here. I know I shouldn't expect Owens, a veteran of reality TV, to have the common sense to know when it is time to walk away, but you would hope someone in his inner circle would be able to get to him and let him know how bad this looks. He's already going to have a hard time making the Hall of Fame based on all the bridges he's burned, adding on the memory of him running around some indoor league isn't going to help his cause.

-Every year I tell myself that I don't care about all these meaningless college football bowl games and that this is the year I stop watching games between two teams I didn't want to see when it counted for something. Yet, every year I end up watching more of the Music City Bowl than most of the alumni of the schools involved. I can't help it. But, there is one thing we can help and that is stopping the charade surrounding the Gatorade bath. I like the tradition of it, I just don't like trying to hide that it is about to happen. Near the conclusion of every bowl the winning seniors gather around the Gatorade bucket along with about 6 camera people and everyone tries to look as inconspicuous as possible. Of course, by trying to look natural they do nothing but stick out worse than normal. Meanwhile the coach has to pretend he doesn't see this collection of about 20 large human beings and act surprised when they finally drench him with cold water. It has all the sincerity of pretending I can't find one of my nieces during a game of hide-and-go-seek when she has chosen to hide in plain sight. Look, the coach knows it is coming and unless you're playing in some unseasonably cold weather he's probably looking forward to it. Stop trying to be slick, boys, because you're not fooling anyone.

-One of the bowls I tuned it to last night was the Insight Bowl. Now, I missed seeing this happen live, but during the game the overhead sky-cam malfunctioned and crashed onto the field. For those of you unfamiliar with the technology, the sky-cam is a camera on a wire system which hovers over the field and gives us some great views of the game. It is the only thing positive thing the XFL ever produced. (Sorry, He Hate Me.) Luckily, no one was hurt. Actually, I think the more amazing thing is that this hasn't happened before yesterday. As with any piece of technology it has a ton of moving parts and plenty of places for things to break off, so the fact that this is the first incident of this happening is kind of amazing. Still, this is what happens when you get to some of these lower-level bowl games. If you're not getting the A, B or C team doing the broadcast how can you expect the best crew behind the scenes. They probably had an intern working that camera. I'm gonna guess they will have the regulars in place by the Fiesta Bowl.

Commentary Comments

In what I'm sure is an attempt to build up some good-will with fans after this offseason's lockout, the NBA has been offering a free, extended look at their League Pass TV package, which allows you to see every game, every night. (For the NBA fans out there who are interested, the free look goes until January 8th.) It may only be a two-week preview for a 6-month season, but for as compressed as the season is going to be, that is a lot of free basketball. Personally, I've thoroughly enjoyed this (not enough to order it for the rest of the season but, you know, I appreciate the effort). What has been really interesting is the fact that for most games you can choose whether you want to hear the home or away announce team. It is always funny to hear two perspectives of the exact same play. However, it has brought to my attention that there are a lot of bad basketball announcers out there.

Granted, after growing up listening to Tommy Heinsohn and Mike Gorman call basketball games, I'm probably a little spoiled. So, as those two embark on their 31st year as a broadcasting team, I figured I would help the other announce teams around the league with a few tips. (And for those of you who might be new to this blog I am actually qualified to offer these tips. I won an Associated Press Award for my color commentary work. Sure, it was for football, the principles carry over.) Besides, it is not as though this is brain surgery.

-Pay Attention: This one seems rather basic, but in listening to some of these guys this week it should not be taken for granted. Just know the score, how much time is left, how many timeouts each team has left and who is on the floor. You will be amazed at how much easier your job is when you know what is going on.

-Know Everyone's Name: I'm not even going to go crazy and ask that they know the other team's roster, just their own. Again, this seems like something they'd already be aware of, but you'd be shocked at how many announcers aren't sure how to pronounce the names of the guys on the team. I know that there has been an influx of foreign-born players into the league the last decade, but these guys spend enough time together on charters and such that you'd think they would pick it up by accident. And if it is not working, at least they could take thirty seconds to come up with a nickname that they can give the guy. Once the fans start calling them by that nickname you don't have to worry what the player's name actually is.

-Bias, Not Homerism: There is a fine line between favoring one team over another and blatantly ignoring reality. The good announcers can pull this off, but when it is bad it is really bad. You see, Tommy Heinsohn might want the Celtics to win and he clearly roots for them. That is to be expected when someone has worked for an organization for 50 years. I would expect nothing less from any former player who is now in the broadcast booth. Besides, when you're doing the local broadcast the fans want to hear things with a hometown-bias. However, that doesn't mean you can ignore facts. When a member of the Celtics messes up, Heinsohn will call them on it and I would want any announcer to do that. If the broadcast is nothing but excuses and justifications, it takes on the feel of parents watching their kids play in a soccer game. No one wants to listen to that.

-Tell Me Something I Don't Know: Admittedly, if you read the first two suggestions, I'm aiming for the moon with this one. But, wouldn't it be nice if someone who played in the league for a long time (as color commentators often are) actually said something that wasn't obvious to people who didn't play the game beyond intramural leagues? Oh, the team that is down 3 with 2 seconds left, is going to have to draw up a play that gets someone a look at a three-pointer? Thank God you're here, cause I never would have known that otherwise. I'm not saying you have to break down every situation in amazing detail that would blow my mind, but if you're not speaking in anything beyond cliches then you aren't bringing anything to the broadcast.

Let Them Finish

As loyal readers know, I resist tuning in to TV shows if everyone has been telling me how I have to start watching them. But, facing cold nights full of re-runs I finally got around to starting the Showtime program, "Homeland". Now, it's not a bad show, but hardly the groundbreaking, change-my-life phenomenon I had been told it would be. It was very well-acted and for the most part well-written, even if it did suffer the fate that a lot of shows that are on premium cable suffer: starts really well and then fades throughout the season, ultimately ending unsatisfactorily. Actually, in the case of "Homeland" it hardly ends at all, which is the point of this post. Watching the season you can almost tell the exact episode in which the writers were informed they had been picked up for a second season and were forced to scramble to come up with a new ending for this season as well as a new way to keep the drama going for next season. Let me be among the first to say I find this totally unnecessary.

Of course, "Homeland" is hardly the only show this has happened to. This season's "Sons of Anarchy" finale seemed rather disjointed (this is my favorite show, so you have no idea how much it pains me to write this), because it felt as if the entire season was building towards a climax, only to see the show given another season fairly late and the writers couldn't come up with a clean way to extend the drama for another 13 episodes. It was really unsatisfying. Of course that ending felt smooth when compared to the show "The Killing" which spent the entire year following the investigation into the murder of one girl and then ended the season without revealing who the killer was. It probably didn't help that the show's producer then went on the offensive after all the complaining and told the show's fans they were never promised an ending, which pretty much pissed off all the people who had watched and in the process guaranteed there won't be a third season because the rating are going to now plummet.

Now, "The Killing" was based off a Dutch show that lasted for two season, but each season had a totally different cast and case. I don't watch a ton of BBC, but I will say this about them and other European shows: when they declare that  something is a one-season event, they mean it. There is no scramble to come up with enough ideas to make it through a second season. They either go in a totally different direction or don't even bother to have more episodes. There is something admirable about that. I mean, I get why channels would want to keep a successful show like these going: they are easy to make, the DVD sales bring in a ton of money and they are always the darlings of the awards ceremonies, which means the network can brag about all their award-winning programs. But, that doesn't mean they should automatically be giving every show another season. Occasionally, these shows would be better served quitting while they were ahead. Not every movie needs a sequel and that goes double for TV shows. I look at a show like "Nurse Jackie": amazing first season, everyone hated the second one and I wasn't even aware there was a third season until I Googled it a minute ago out of curiosity.

Obviously, I've never written for a critically acclaimed show on a major network, so I don't know how hard it would be to walk away from an opportunity like this. But, I'm willing to bet that even some of the creators of these shows aren't happy with the decisions they have to make just to make it to through another season they weren't expecting to have to write. Personally, I would much rather see these writers be given deals to develop a new show instead of trying to continually extend one idea for six seasons. (I don't care that a cable show is 13 episodes and a major network show is 24, trying to string anything out that long is going to get repetitive soon enough.) At some point both the writers and producers need to simply cut bait and decide on an end-date, because if you don't you run the risk of getting to the point where no one cares how your show ends. I know I would much rather have people bummed that my TV show was ending instead of saying, "Wait, is that still on the air?" Just remember this: it is always better to go out one year too early instead of staying one year too long. And if you don't believe me, ask the cast of "That 70's Show."

Don't Encourage Them

As I have stated before, I have no problem with people who get their exercise by riding a bike down the side of the street, provided that they stay off to the side. After all, biking is great exercise. But it is when they decided that they have an equal right to the road as a person in a car that we start to have an issue, because I don't care how fast you may think you are pedaling, you aren't going to be able to reach the pace set by my V8 engine. Once I have to slow down because some bicyclist thinks they are capable of pedaling at 35 mph, then I begin to get annoyed. You get out of my way, I'll stay out of the bike lane and we'll get along just fine. [Sidebar: I do have a note for the people who feel the need to bike to work - you reek. I appreciate that you may want to save gas, but find a place to shower after you arrive or start taking the bus.] Still, I'd rather you ride an actual bike than the thing I'm about to talk about.

For the past couple of weeks I have been repeatedly seeing a commercial for a new, hardcore exercise bike. It is the official training bike of the Tour de France and is powered by Google Maps. What this bikes does is allow you to virtually bike the stages of the Tour. As you are going along the bike will tilt up or down and the resistance of the pedals will change based on the actual roads in France, which you can watch roll by on a screen thanks to Google Street View. It is the closest you can get to really being there. (Quick note: the bike costs $1,500. You could actually go to France for that price.) At first glance this seems like a really good idea. Incorporating video games and exercise is the wave of the future and might be the thing that finally stems the childhood obesity problem. Plus, people are competitive by nature. The gym I used to belong to had a virtual rowing machine where you raced a computer and that machine always had a line, even if there were other open rowing machines. So, giving people a chance to post times and compare them to the professionals is just going to spur them to do better and better. But, when you stop and take a closer look at the commercial it stops being innovative and starts getting a little sad.

First off, everyone in the commercial is wearing one of those official Tour de France-style biking shirts (of course, they are yellow). Now, I already make fun of people who wear those on the road, do you really think it is necessary to wear one when biking in your home? I ride a stationary bike every morning and I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those things. And, just in case you think it was a set-up for the commercial, they brought one of these bikes to a stage of the Tour to have fans try it out and all of them were wearing one of these too-tight bike shirts. I'm sorry, is it really very important to be aerodynamic when watching people ride bikes? I know fans wear football jerseys to watch Patriots' games, but this would be more like showing up to Gillette in full pads. At some point you just have to back off the fandom.

Look, I get it: exercising is more fun when you have something to train for, even if that something is a race that isn't taking place anywhere but your mind. Plus, biking is a really easy thing that everyone thinks they could be excellent at if they just dedicated themselves to it. But, jees, you don't have to actually dress like it is about to happen. When I break out my little practice surface to work on my putts in my bedroom in my mind I may be mentally lining up a putt to win the Masters, but you still won't see me putting on my spikes. It makes me worry that these bicyclists are the same people who dressed up to play D&D in high school and are really thankful to finally have another outlet for their costume desires as an adult. If that is the case I plan to start giving them all extra room as we travel down the street together, because for all I know they are carrying some broadsword they bought at ComicCon on the frame. Then again, swords might actually get me to watch the Tour de France this year.

Strikes One And Two

I'm not always quick to pick up new technology myself, so I try not to judge people who have trouble figuring out gizmos too harshly. Hey, sometimes those directions are very poorly-written. Besides, I know plenty of smart people who can't figure out how to program their DVRs and I also know quite a few morons who could probably figure out how to call in a missile strike using nothing but their iPhones. I also want to make this clear - it is not an age issue. There are people in their 80s who can use an iPad for just about anything and people in their 20s who don't know how to text. All I'm trying to say is that technology comes really easy to some and not to others. My point is that you can't judge how smart a person is by one incident with an automated machine. Two, however, can be really telling.

This afternoon I was in the grocery store and waiting to use the self-checkout because after a week of Christmas shopping I have had quite enough of people commenting on the items I am buying. ("Oh, buying nothing but Diet Pepsi? Someone must be thirsty!" No, it's just on sale, lady.) The reason I had to wait was that of the three self-checkout lines one machine was in use, the other was out of order and the third was currently being clogged by someone who was having an issue. The woman having trouble with her machine looked young enough that you would have expected her to have some tech-savvy, but she was also cute enough that she might also have been able to get through life simply by batting her eyelashes and have someone do everything for her, which was happening now. Some guy who I assume was the manager was in the process of helping her to scan and pay for her two items, because it wasn't taking her card. [Sidebar: we'll leave the comments about how her items were Red Bull and potato chips as well as my thoughts about her paying for two items with a credit card for another time.] By the time they finally figured out the problem I was at the now-empty third machine and well on my way to completing my transaction.

Normally this would be the end of the story, but as I headed to my car I notice the woman was parked in the same aisle as me. She was starting to pull out of her spot just as I got to my car and that was when I noticed the second item she appeared to have trouble operating: her car. Her vehicle not only had a section which was a different color from the rest of the car (which means it had been replaced, but not yet painted), it also had a series of dents and scrapes that extended pretty much from headlight to taillight. Making it even worse was that there were gaps between the dents, which means it wasn't like she sideswiped one thing or had one accident - these dents all appeared to have been done at separate times, so this was a series of unfortunate events. And as I watched her need a five-point turn to pull out of her parking spot I was suddenly very glad she was not parked any closer to me, otherwise I could have ended up another dent in her bumper.

Now I'm not trying to make any grand assumptions about this particular woman's level of intelligence, I'm simply pointing out that it didn't look good for her in that moment. It is one thing to have an issue with a machine that probably has nothing to do with your job or everyday life (even if the fact remains we aren't talking about a complex program here), but to immediately show me that you are also a pretty bad driver doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. My advice would be to space out these kinds of technology failures by either using a register with a cashier or having a friend drive you to the store. That way you might still be failing at both things, but it won't happen in such a short span of time.

Put A Stamp On It!

Yeah, so I'm totally mailing today's post in. The problem is that this blog is made up of about 95% snark and it's really hard to be snarky about Christmas. I had a wonderful day and I hope you did as well. Anyway, to make up for it, we're presenting a very special holiday edition of one of my favorite web series...

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to take 

a second to say...

I hope everyone is having a 

great holiday!

Now, as you probably guessed, this week's musical interlude was pretty easy to come up with. It's not one song - it's a bunch. I try not to get into the holiday music too early, because that is when you get sick of it. And I can totally understand why you would, because there are only around 60 Christmas songs to choose from and listening to the same 60 songs for a month can get irritating. (Seriously, why can't any artist today produce an original holiday song that makes the rotation?) That's why I'm pretty sure this playlist contains every holiday song I like. Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

Weekly Sporties

-You know, I write about this almost every year, but I just want to say again how much I don't like it that professional sports have tried to take over Christmas. It's not that I feel particularly bad for the players, but I think it sucks for the people who work at the stadiums, because they certainly aren't making millions of dollars. I don't know when the NBA got it in their heads that they should treat Christmas the same way the football treats Thanksgiving, but personally it just feels wrong to me - especially this year, when Christmas Day is also the start of the season. First off, I'm as huge an NBA fan as you are going to find and I probably will watch about 20 minutes of games all day long. Sorry, I've got things to do (and this is coming from a guy who thinks Celtics Opening Night should be the actual holiday). However, I will tell what I am a fan of: sports the day before holidays. I know this sounds weird, but knowing that my Christmas Eve afternoon is going to be swallowed whole by the NFL has made me incredibly efficient. It is almost as if I have one fewer day to work with. As you read this my presents are bought, wrapped and ready to go under the tree. Normally wrapping is the last thing I do, but not with RedZone in my life. If the NBA moved all the big games to Christmas Eve then they may be on to something.

-After being the worst team in football for much of the year, the Indianapolis Colts are getting hot at just the wrong time, having won two games in a row. You see, when they were far and away the worst team they had the best chance to get the first pick in the draft and take Standford's Andrew Luck, who is considered by many to be the best quarterback prospect in decades and the kind of player who could help stabilize a franchise for the foreseeable future. But instead of running away with the first selection, they are currently tied for the pick with two other teams, Minnesota and St. Louis. Now, if all three teams lose their remaining games the Colts still wind up with the pick thanks to the strength of schedule tiebreaker. However this week they are playing Jacksonville, a team that, despite having more wins, is probably worse than the Colts. Also, they play in the same division which means it would actually be smarter for the Jaguars to lose and thus keep themselves from having to face Luck twice a year for the next decade. Basically, it set up that neither team wants to win this game. But, despite that fact it will still get a huge rating in Indianapolis. Behold the power of the NFL.

-Every year a poll is done of the least-popular NBA players. Typically the list is headed by guys like Kobe Bryant and LeBron James - you know, guys that either win a lot or get a lot of attention despite not winning. The list could almost be renamed the "who are people the most jealous of" because that is closer to the truth. However, this year the list was topped by former Kardashian husband, Kris Humphries. I was stunned by this because Humphries wasn't even in the league when the poll was conducted (he was just re-signed by the Nets a couple days ago and only got a 1-years deal despite being one of the better rebounders in the NBA). Given that the other NBA player married to a Kardashian (Lamar Odom) showed up on the list at #5, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that Humphries is unpopular, but all the way up to #1? And clearly the poll was accurate, because when Humphries first checked into a game the other night he received the loudest boos heard all preseason. You know, when they first got engaged I remember writing that this was going to really hurt Kris's chances to sign with a contending NBA team, I didn't think it would hurt his chances of catching on anywhere. If this doesn't make athletes swear off reality-TV stars as wives, nothing will.

-When new Buckeyes coach Urban Meyer took the job at Ohio State, he said that he thought all the problems caused by the tattoos-for-jerseys scandal was behind them. Well, he was a little premature in that assessment, because during the week the NCAA came down with more sanctions on the school, including a few lost scholarships and no bowl appearances for the 2012 season. Meyer said he was very disappointed in the ruling. Personally, I don't buy it. Coaching college football is such a high-pressure job that I wouldn't be stunned to learn that Meyer was actually thrilled with not having any expectations for his first year at the school. Ohio State is one of those institutions where the fans expect them to not only contend for the Big 10 Championship year-in and year-out, but to also be a contender for the National Championship. Now Meyer gets a year to check out his talent level, see what roster changes he wants to make and basically spend next year experimenting with no repercussion. Of course they won't be happy if they team plays badly, but it's not like they can go to a bowl regardless of their record, so you may as well get your bad year of the way early and when it won't really count.

-Speaking of coaches getting sanctioned by the NCAA, Georgia coach Mark Richt got a letter of admonishment from the NCAA after it was revealed that he was paying people out of his own pocket. No, he wasn't paying players or recruits. He wasn't even paying one of those shady "recruiting specialist" to guide certain players to UGA. No, Mark Richt was paying his own coaches. Richt was covering expenses that school couldn't or wouldn't, such as bowl bonuses for trainers and strength coaches, who are not technically members of the coaching staff. He also paid out a bonus which normally goes to coaches who have been at the school for 5 years to an assistant who left just short of his fifth anniversary at the school, covered the difference when one of his assistants opted to stay at Georgia instead of taking a higher-paying job at another school and gave money to another former assistant who was having trouble finding a new job after his severance package ended. For this he gets an official warning from the NCAA and was told to stop immediately or face tougher penalties. You know, considering all the extra curricular activities that have come out at other universities this year, maybe the NCAA should spend their days worrying about bigger things. I'm just saying.

-Early in the week the Texas Ranger won the bidding war for the exclusive rights to negotiate with the team that has Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish on its roster. The Rangers paid $51.7 million just to talk with the Ham Fighters (yes, really) and try to work out a deal to bring Darvish to Texas in the next 30 days. Now, whatever you think of the prospects of Japanese pitchers coming to America (as a Red Sox fan who watched most of the Dice-K era I'll just say I am not heartbroken that the Sox were apparently out-bid. Actually, I'm not even sure how serious their interest was, which should make Rangers fans a little nervous.), you just have to love the bidding process that goes into this kind of stuff. It's like a giant eBay auction come to life. I just have visions of Nolan Ryan sitting in his office as the deadline to bid drew closer, "$50 million should be enough... Wait, round numbers are bad. Better make it $51... No, everyone is going to go think of that... $51.5. That'll be the perfect amount.... But what if I'm not the only person who adds a little extra?... I know, $51.7! Extra on top of the extra! I'm a genius!" I just hope Darvish works out for them, because it's not like they can get back at the Ham Fighters by giving them a bad seller rating.

-The weirdest story of the week came from the world of Dutch Professional Soccer. AZ Alkmaar was playing against Ajax when a crazed drunk Ajax fan ran onto the pitch and attempted a flying drop kick at Alkmaar keeper Esteban Alvarado. Alvarado sidestepped the would-be attacker and gave him a few swift kicks while he was lying on the ground. You would think that European soccer officials would appreciate his toughness, but instead Alvarado was given a red card by the referee, which means he was ejected. AZ Alkmaar responded to this by walking off the pitch (rightly so, at least in my mind) and refusing to play the rest of the game because they feared for their safety (don't know where they got that idea). The referee later explained that he issued the card for misconduct, saying that Alvarado could have walked away and kicking the man while he on the ground was unnecessary. (Apparently we're ignoring the fact that the guy had no right to be on the field.) Now, I'm not going to pretend I get soccer and I'm not going to pretend I get European Soccer hooliganism. But when people running onto the field is so common that you have started to afford them rights as a normal part of the game that sounds like a security issue to me. I'm just left to wonder: if the drunken idiot has a weapon, can you defend yourself then or will that still get you a yellow card?

Pumped-Up

When it comes to activities I would rather not be doing, standing in lines ranks somewhere between water torture and seeing any of the "Twilight" films. (For those of you keeping track, the "Twilight" films are the most painful of those three options.) So, as you can imagine, this has not been a particularly good week for me. But, I understand it is a necessary evil when it comes to this time of year and I frankly have no one to blame but myself for it. I could just have easily gone shopping earlier and avoided the crowds, or shopped online and avoided human contact all together. But, I procrastinated and wanted to actually check out the things I was buying in person, so I stood in lines and I managed to make it through relatively unscathed. However, I would hardly say I enjoyed the experience and I don't know of anyone who would, which makes the fact that some people choose to form a line when there doesn't need to be one all the more puzzling.

I was gassing up my truck yesterday at one of the bigger gas stations on the highway. It had 12 pumps to choose from (I know this because I was at pump 12), only two of which were occupied when I pulled in. So you can imagine my surprise when I go in to pay and come out to find another car sitting behind my truck, waiting for me to leave. I tried to convey to this person that I just got there and hadn't gotten my gas yet, but they didn't seem particularly interested in what I was trying to say and just sat there. I was confused by this because, like I said, there were 9 other pumps they could have used. I could see that their gas tank was on the same side as it is on my truck, but they could have very easily gone around to a pump on the other side without much trouble. It wasn't as if I was blocking them from getting by. And if you're too lazy to drive to another pump I'm left to wonder how you made it to the car in the morning. Apparently, this guy just wanted to hang out behind me.

I was content to simply chalk it up to the driver being weird. Maybe he's superstitious and 12 is his lucky number or he's just a huge Tom Brady fan? Perhaps this particular pump has the sentimental meaning to him or he has a theory about the pump being furthest from the station having the freshest gas? It could be that he likes the view of the road from here or thinks that because the pump is closest to the tank it has the most pressure behind it, so you get a little more gas than you would at any of the other pumps? All of these theories ran through my mind as I watch the dial count off my 10 gallons of gas. But what caused this encounter to go from mildly interesting to worthy of a blog post was when I went back in to grab a soda (last-second decision) and the guy threw up his arms in frustration and annoyance. Oh, I'm sorry, am I making you wait longer than you never had to?

I have very few hard-and-fast rules in my life, but one of them is that you can't get mad at someone if they inconvenience you and it is your fault. If you have some strange hang-up which only bothers you then you can't get pissed at a total stranger who doesn't know the rules. I told this guy I just started pumping my gas. As far as I'm concerned, that was the end of our social contract. If you choose to still wait for this one particular machine to come open, you will wait as long as I damn well feel like making you wait. While picking out my drink I had a quick thought about washing my windows, just to be an extra bit of a jerk. Of course I didn't because I'm non-confrontational by nature, it's the week of Christmas so why be a jerk and I've seen the movie "Duel". Instead I just got into my truck and drove away, thoroughly confused by the entire episode. I can only hope the guy's gas was worth the wait.

It's More Like A Suggestion

I like to think of myself as a pretty safe driver. Actually, when compared to most of the other drivers on the road these days, I should almost get a medal for my safe driving. Yes, I go over the speed limit on several occasions, but I always use my turn signal when changing lanes and after a few months of nagging from my nieces, I now religiously wear my seat belt. I don't text while driving and rarely even use my cellphone unless it is an important issue. However, sometimes you just can't help but break a traffic law. Much like golf, I happen to think that there are some rules of the road that are far too antiquated to be taken seriously. Sometimes it just comes down to nothing more than a judgement call.

There have been a lot of new constructions projects going on around my town. Several new buildings have sprung up, which would be a good thing if it didn't seem as though every shopping complex also needs an exclusive traffic light out front. Because of this one road cutting through my town now has a light every hundred feet. If that wasn't bad enough some of them feature a second light about 50 feet back from the new light, because apparently people no longer have the ability to merge from a parking lot onto any street without a green light telling them it is safe to do so. Now, usually it wouldn't be so bad as I would just turn away from that street and take the back roads which have fewer lights. But the neighborhoods behind these new buildings don't want an increase in traffic going through them and as a result a lot of these parking lots come equipped with signs that tell you that you are not allowed to turn left down the residential streets. Some even build concrete guides into the road that force you in a certain direction. What they want you to do instead is either loop around the entire complex or be funneled back to the main road with all the lights.

First off, I totally understand where these people are coming from. There are a lot of irresponsible drivers out there and I certainly wouldn't want more and more of them barreling down my street. Increased traffic means an increased chance of someone causing an accident near your property. Plus, not only is at an issue of safety but quality of living. No one wants headlights shining into their living rooms at all hours or to have massive trucks driving by early in the mornings as they head to make deliveries to these businesses. I can totally see why they lobbied to get a sign like that put into place when the new complex was under construction. But on the other side of the argument, I don't live there and going the long way around takes a lot more time. Let's be honest, these people don't care about keeping their neighborhood safe - just the street they live on. It's not like forcing traffic down to the next street is going to make the reckless drivers any safer. All they are doing is making it the next street over's problem. So I almost always make the turn, signs be damned.

To be fair, I doubt I'm the person they are targeting when they make traffic laws like this. My truck is not very loud and I don't go charging up and down the road all day long. That is why I think signs like this should be a little more suggestive. How about next to the standard left turn arrow with a slash through it, you throw a question mark on there? Or perhaps the slash isn't the standard dark red, but a lighter pink signifying that it's not a hard and fast no? You know, sort of a "We'd rather you didn't, but if you can make it safely then go for it" kind of thing? If anything it will help get me home faster and that will be another car off the road, which means one less car that people will have to worry about merging with. I can only assume that is a good thing, because with the way the traffic lights are going up in this town it is only a matter of time before they put one at the end of my driveway.

Upgrade Or Else

I've never been the kind of person who needs to have the latest and greatest gadget. I like technology and toys, but I don't have to run out and camp in front of a store overnight to get it. I am fully capable of having an iPod that is a few generations old and not really feeling like I am somehow less involved in the world. However, I am finding that stores are starting to make it harder and harder to keep going with this feeling, because it seems like the second a new piece of technology comes out they stop selling anything related to the older stuff. It is almost as though if you don't have the newest thing you may as well no longer shop there. I get that the world of electronics is constantly moving forward, but just because something new and shiny has come along that doesn't mean the last versions of a product have all suddenly ceased to exist.

The way that I noticed this was I went looking for a replacement to something I bought not that many years ago. Business don't even try to keep products relating to the old stuff around. Have you ever tried to fix any piece of electronics that is more than a couple years old? My iPod battery suddenly doesn't want to hold a charge for very long anymore. But, I like this iPod. It holds enough music, can play videos if I feel like it (though, I never do) and other than the battery issue it works just fine. So, when I was passing an Apple store the other day I went in and asked about getting the battery fixed. The kid couldn't understand why I didn't just want to upgrade to a newer iPod. I tried to explain to him that it had everything I wanted and I didn't feel the need to upgrade to something that had a bunch of features I am never going to use. I may as well been telling the kid working behind the counter that I thought cameras would steal my soul.

And it is not just hardware. It's everything. As soon as the new stuff comes out the old ones should be tossed away. I have been having a computer issue the last couple of days. It's Internet-related, so there is nothing I can really do to fix it on my end - I am at the mercy of the people who do the programming. So, I sent along an email to the support team for this particular website and asked when I might expect the thing to return to normal. I was told that they were working on the problem, but in the meantime, how about I just use their new interface? In other words: "We aren't really working on fixing the old stuff, so just suck it up and start using the new program. Oh, but don't get too attached to that format either, because we'll be switching to yet another program in 6 months."

I'm trying not to get too angry-old-man on you, but it's really frustrating. Look, I get that things go out of style and that eventually it isn't cost-effective to keep producing parts for something no one is going to buy. Also, it makes good business sense to stop making products to force people to go out and buy the newer, more expensive version of your product. After all, there is a reason they stopped putting movies out on VHS. But even the accessories are impossible to find. I'm not looking for parts for a Ford Edsal here. Besides, wouldn't it be smart to keep a few items around, just in case they come back around in popularity? Hell, they still make record-player needles and records were four formats ago. So I'm sure it's just a matter of time before everything that was old is new again. In the mean time, would it kill you to keep a few older-generation iPods around, just for parts?

Thoughts From A Mall...

-As I have no offspring (that I know of, right fellas?), I'm not about to sit here and tell another person how they should raise their child. But, that doesn't mean I can't sit back and silently judge the job they are doing. For example, if you are the kind of parent who takes your kid up and down every single aisle of a toy department, letting them touch and play with every toy that is not in a box, you can not act shocked when the kid begins to flip out that they aren't getting anything to bring home. It would be like someone allowing you to test drive every sports car on the lot and then being forced to slink back to your Gremlin. Now, as an adult I would hope that people have learned not to tease themselves with such things, but apparently some parents expect this maturity to trickle down to their kids. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 5 years it would be to not expect maturity from children. If I know that and yet a parent doesn't then clearly they missed a class somewhere along the way.

-When you spend as much time around the members of my family as I do, you can begin to forget that we are an above-average group, height-wise. So, every now and again I appreciate the ego boost of being released out into the general public and not being the smallest guy in the room. I was standing in line and filling in the 50 feet in front of me was a group of various humans, none of whom came up to my chest. I could see clear to the checkout counter without so much as a hat in my way. It was kind of nice to feel tall until the next time I was in a room with my brother.

-I went into my shopping with a few very specific targets. The problem with this mindset is that you tend to buy the first item that meets the criteria of the thing you are looking for and that's not always the way to go. Yesterday I was looking for a very specific type of toy for one of my nieces and when I found what I was looking for I was very quick to snap it up. The problem was that I found a better one a couple of hours later. This has now made me gun shy. This morning I saw a great toy for my nephew but since it was the first store I went into I was convinced I would find something better in short order. Several stores and hours later I still hadn't topped that first idea. Never go against your instincts. [Sidebar: why the hell the one-year old is the hardest to buy for I will never know.]

-In the last couple of years the new trend in malls has been the pop-up stores that are only around for the holidays. I assume it is a win-win for everyone as the mall gets a couple months rent and the tenant can make a few extra bucks burning off some inventory. However, this year I have noticed that at some malls they have pop-up "stores" out in the middle of everything. It's not like the kiosks, either. These aren't much more than a couple folding tables up against the railings on the second floor. First off, that's valuable walking space and you're just causing congestion. (At least make a path so I can get my Auntie Annie's Pretzel.) I know that times are tough and you would rather have a storefront, but if that is your goal might I suggest a wider selection of merchandise than movie posters, wrestling masks and old concert tee-shirts. That's not a pop-up store: it's a yard sale.

Basket Case

Whenever I do any shopping, I tend to stick with the hand-held baskets over the huge shopping carts. First of all, I rarely need to buy that much stuff and even if I do find myself needing a lot of things I make it work. Secondly, you get a little workout with the baskets. If you push the limits of how much product you place in them you can do some curls while waiting in line and really feel the burn. But, the main reasons that baskets are the way to go instead of carts is they take up far less room. I like to have the maneuverability of the shopping basket, as you can slide in and out of tight spots easier and you don't have to worry about clogging up entire lanes of the store while you try and decided which item you want to purchase. At no time is the advantage of baskets more clear then during Christmas shopping time in a big department store.

I was in Target this morning trying to get a heap of shopping done in one swoop (I failed, but more on that some other time). Buoyed by the (misplaced) optimism that comes from knowing you are about to hit the proverbial present jackpot, I skipped the basket and went with the cart to carry all the treasures I was sure I was about to find. The signs that I should have stuck with my normal routine showed themselves pretty early. Now, I don't know when it happened, but at some point Target switched to a real heavy duty shopping cart. While that seems like a good idea, they are a good bit wider than the old carts. Like so wide that you can't fit two of them down an aisle at the same time. Or like so wide that when there was a pole in one aisle I couldn't go down it and instead had to leave the cart at the end, like a car waiting for a bank robber. Width of carts versus width of aisles seems like the kind of detail that someone should have checked out before the company bought hundreds of thousands of these carts.

But, I think the main reason the shopping carts were on my nerves this morning was the people standing behind them. All the worst kind of shoppers were out in force today: the people who block the entire aisle with their carts while texting instead of moving, the ones who come shooting out of the aisle without looking, hit you and expect you to say 'excuse me' to them and of course the ones who let their little kids push the carts, because that always ends well for the other shoppers' Achilles tendons. There was even one woman who left her cart in the center of the section and then walked every aisle before bringing toys to her cart through several individual trips. I couldn't tell if the wheels on her cart were screwed up or if she just didn't know how shopping actually works.

After two or three trips around the store with only two items to show for it I decided that not only did I not need a cart, I probably didn't even need a basket. My hopes of getting everything I needed for Christmas from one location (which, really, is every one's dream), I returned the cart to the front of the store and started just walking around with my few items under my arm. While that didn't suddenly change my mojo, allowing me to miraculously find the rest of the items on my list, it did get me into a couple aisles I couldn't go down with a cart and allowed me to notice a couple different gift ideas the next time I circled. I'm far from done with my holiday shopping, but I think no matter how many items I still have to pick up, they'll be put into baskets only from here on out.

Cut To The Bone

It has not been a good week for my hands. What I mean by that is it seems as though every little task I have undertaken in the last couple of days has resulted in a fresh cut on the back of my hand and a small amount of blood running down my arm. I half-expected it when I was cutting down trees that weren't much more than thorn bushes. I couldn't even be all that surprised when I cut myself pulling out Christmas decorations, as most of them have some kind of wiring that I could snag myself on. But when I was picking out a Christmas tree and came away with a bleeding knuckle I think that was when I conceded it was simply not my week. Seriously, if I cut myself while wrapping Christmas presents then I'm going to start wearing gloves at all times.

Weekly Sporties

-So, after days of proposals and counter-proposals being sent back and forth, Chris Paul was finally traded away from the Hornets this week. He still ended up in Los Angeles, though he will play with the Clippers and not the Lakers. Now, if you remove all the raw emotions about how unfair this is to the Lakers and their fans (and it is totally unfair), the annoying fact remains that the Hornets did actually end up with a better group of players and draft picks than they would have gotten in the original deal. I know no one wants to give David Stern any credit at the moment, but it turns out that this was the correct move to make. The Hornets are now set up with a good group of young players and attractive assets for the future that are much better than anything the Lakers and Rockets could have offered. However, that doesn't change the fact that a huge conflict of interest remains in place for as long as the league owns the Hornets. Supposedly all this extra haggling that went on was all done to try and keep the franchise looking good to any potential buyers. Well, now that the deal is done they had better find a buyer fast, because I guarantee this won't be the only deal the Hornets are going to be making this year and I certainly don't want to have to go through this drama again at the trading deadline.

-One of my least favorite traditions in sports is the yearly ritual of college football coaches quitting on their team to take a new job before their current school's bowl game. Now, I don't blame the schools or the coaches - it's the system. There is simply too much time between when the season ends and when the bowls are played. If those coaches want to get a jump on recruiting and building the program at their new school they are almost forced to leave their current team in a bad spot. Also, I'm not going to fault a coach for leaving to take a job with more prestige or money. If we're being honest, you and I would do the same thing. But, if you happen to be a college football coach who is thinking of leaving, please handle your departure better than Todd Graham. Graham has been the head coach at Pittsburgh for less than a year. Arizona State came calling last week and since Graham has family near the school, he asked Pittsburgh if he could interview with the Sun Devils. Pittsburgh, understandably, said no. Graham interviewed anyway and ended up taking the job at ASU. He then texted the Pittsburgh Athletics Director saying he was leaving and asked him to forward that text to all his players. He couldn't even be bothered to text them himself. It's stuff like this that makes the NCAA rule which states players who transfer have to sit for a season such a joke.

-There is a little bit of controversy following last Thursday night's game between the Browns and the Steelers. Late in the game Browns quarterback Colt McCoy took a helmet-to-helmet hit from James Harrison of the Steelers. McCoy got up and was clearly out of it, but made it to the sidelines, was back in the very next series and finished out the game. Afterwards, McCoy's father blasted the Browns saying that Colt clearly had a concussion and should never have been put back in, especially with the NFL's new emphasis on player safety which specifically targets concussion awareness. At the time the Browns said that they followed all the guidelines the NFL had put out and Colt was cleared by the team doctors. A couple days later that all turned out to be bullshit because McCoy was never checked for a concussion. The trainers didn't see the hit, as they were tending to another injured player, and didn't know he had a head injury so they never gave him the concussion tests. They said all McCoy complained about was his hand hurting, which I'm going to guess happened because at that moment he couldn't remember how to say the word concussion. The post-concussion symptoms are still so bad that McCoy isn't going to be playing this week. Clearly, there is a flaw in the NFL's policy because relying on the guy with the concussion to bring it to the trainer's attention is not going to happen. You're lucky if he remembers what team he is on.

-Still, I think the NFL would much rather talk about concussions than what is happening in Chicago. A couple days ago Bears back-up wide receiver and special teamer Sam Hurd was arrested in a drug bust attempting to set up a deal in which he would receive several kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana every week. According to the DEA, despite signing a three-year contract with the Bears that would pay him over a million dollars a year, Hurd was one of the cities biggest drug dealers. (In case you were wondering, he has already been released by the Bears, who I think have had just about enough of former Cowboys players this week.) Seriously, you wouldn't believe this story if it was the plot in a movie. But, as bad as that news is, what I'm sure has the league shaking in their collective boots is the rumor that Hurd has a long list of NFL clients that he has been selling to. (For the record, Hurd's lawyer went out of his way to refute the claim that Sam was selling to NFL players because, yeah, that's what he should be focused on right now.) You know, every year the league has a rookie symposium where they try to teach first-year players about the pitfalls of fame and fortune. One of the days is spent reminding the players how important it is to have a plan set up for when their playing days are over. I don't think this is what they had in mind.

-Since we're talking about federal investigations, on Friday former Giants slugger Barry Bonds received his sentenced after being found guilty in May on federal charges of obstruction of justice. Bonds was given 30 days of house arrest, which will be followed by two years of probation. Bonds said he plans to appeal this punishment. Considering Bonds could have gotten 15 month in a federal prison, I think he should take his punishment and shut the hell up. This damn investigation has been going on since 2003 and his appeal could take another two years. If Bonds ever wants to make it to the Hall of Fame (unlikely, but not totally dead yet), he would be smart to just take his sentence quietly and put this whole thing behind him. After all, the main reason Pete Rose has been kept of the Hall of Fame for so long was not that he bet on baseball, but that he refused to admit he bet on baseball despite the mountain of evidence. We live in a forgiving society, but you have to give us a reason to forgive you first. Not to mention, I'm willing to bet that Bonds doesn't exactly live in a tiny studio apartment. I'm sure he'll have plenty of room to move around. Seriously, Barry, you got lucky: do the 30 days and be done with it.

-Now that the new baseball labor agreement has been approved, a few of the smaller details are starting to come to light. One of the more unusual (but fun) clauses hidden in there was the new rule which states that if a player changes his jersey number during the season, he will be responsible for buying all the unsold merchandise with his old number on it from the manufacturers. This was slipped in to protect MLB's clothing and merchandising partners (in case you are wondering, players who are traded are exempt). Now, this isn't a big deal because players very rarely change numbers in the middle of the season. The ones that do are typically the type of players who are bouncing back and forth between the majors and AAA and those guys don't exactly have many jerseys printed up for fans to buy. But, what I want is to see this kind of thing taken a few steps further: how about making players cut a check to anyone who bought their jerseys if they demand a trade one year into a 5-year contract? Or, how about that guy owes me a little something if he winds up being horrible? Seriously, if we could go back and retroactively demand that crappy players compensate the fans who blindly supported them I would be a rich man. I would also have a lot more room in my closet.

-I think my favorite story of the week (maybe the month) came from this week's New York Post. In the article a 'friend' of Derek Jeter revealed that Jeter has a system in place for his one-night stands. Apparently the morning after, the girls leave his apartment and find a limo waiting for them down on the street. (So far, so good.) But inside the limo is a gift basket filled with Derek Jeter memorabilia, including a signed baseball. First off, I need to know if Jeter has a sliding scale. Do the girls get a baseball regardless or can they work their way up to something better, like at a carnival where you can keep earning tickets until you get the radio? Secondly, does he at least take a moment to personalize the ball, or does it have some generic message he writes on all of them? Just know this: I would advise any Yankee fan who gets a signed Derek Jeter baseball from his girlfriend for Christmas to ask just where the hell she got it from, because given some of the rumors floating around the internet, that might not be the only thing she got from Mr. November.

The Lowe Down

I find myself strangely captivated by this "All-American Muslims"/Lowe's controversy. For those of you who aren't aware of it, Lowe's pulled all their advertising from the TLC show after receiving threats of boycotts by a few groups. So, of course, Lowe's caved. It's an interesting marketing story about which companies choose to advertise on which shows, as well as just how much influence the 24-hour cable news channels have. There were always crazy people in the world, but with so many hours of programming to fill the cable news networks are giving these people a chance to share their insane views with the world. Suddenly the crazies have a little power instead of just being ignored, which is what should be happening to these kinds of people.

Now, normally a controversy like this would translate into ratings gold for the network as new audience members flip over in droves to see what all the fuss is about. However, this week "All-American Muslims" saw about 900,000 viewers. Even for basic cable, that is a pathetic rating. (I'll admit, I didn't tune in either. I'm intrigued from a marketing/journalism angle. I'm not interested in seeing the actual show.) You'll see infomercials that get more viewers. Apparently, I'm the only one interested in this story. Well, me and Jon Stewart.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

About Those Lights...

I got a late jump on my holiday decorating this year. (To be honest, I got a late jump on the holiday in general. I'm way behind on my shopping.) But, this afternoon I figured I should at least take advantage of the abnormally warm day and finally hang up some lights. Now, when it comes to me and ladders the only two days you will ever find me on one are the days when I hang up and take down my Christmas lights. And it was as I was standing on a ladder trying to hang the lights around my front door in just the right way that it occurred to me how strange a thing Christmas lights are. Not the idea behind them - I like that people decorate their houses for the season, even if I do think the people who sync the lights up to music have too much time on their hands. No, I mean the actual, physical Christmas lights.

For example, whenever a stand of lights won't come on after they are first plugged in, what is your initial reaction? Of course, you shake the crap out of them. Here's where it gets weird: more than half the time, that works. Now, I'm no stranger to getting frustrated to the point of wanting to shake a piece of equipment that isn't performing the way it should, but it is never supposed to actually accomplish anything. If my computer is taking forever to install a program I need I can't pick the tower up and shake it a few times to see if that will get it working. Yet, with Christmas lights it is not only acceptable behavior, it's the go-to move when trying to fix them. I've been thinking about it and the only other things I can think of that works like that are printer cartridges and juice drinks. When you can fix something by doing a move that would break almost any other electronics, that has to be a design flaw.

The reason people shake the crap out of their lights is because that is a far superior plan than the alternative: going light by light to try and find the one faulty connection which has caused the entire stand to go dark. For those of you who leave the decorating up to others, I can not tell you how much this sucks. Not to mention, it feels really stupid. We've come a long way in the world of electronics and electrical currents. You mean to tell me we can't figure out a way for Christmas lights to keep working if the 25th bulb on a 100-light strand gets a little loose? I think the Christmas light people are only allowed to get away with selling such a fickle little product because consumers only need them to work for a couple weeks at a time. You certainly wouldn't get away with selling a refrigeration that stopped being cold because the inside light burnt out.

My father probably has the best approach to Christmas lights. A few years ago he decided that he simply wasn't messing with them anymore. If they lit up, fine. But if they didn't they were going in the trash with no second chance. It's $3 for a strand of Christmas lights and at that price it simply isn't worth the time and aggravation to try and fix a broken strand. While I admire his attitude and agree there are better ways to spend the day, I'm not sure we should let Christmas light makers off the hook so easily. Christmas is a huge industry and the lights are a big part of that. So how about they stop making such flimsy lights and actually have a little pride in their product? It would certainly get rid of a lot of holiday frustration for a lot of people. I know I would appreciate not having lights flickering while I'm standing on a ladder trying to hang them up. They can even consider it their Christmas present to me.

You'll Be Back...

While I think we can all agree that everyone on TV is overpaid, I think the most overpaid people are the ones hosting the national news programs every night on the major networks. These people make tens of millions of dollars in salary per year because, apparently, the people in charge of these networks don't understand that most of us could not care less about who hosts the news. With the internet being what it is nightly news programs are pretty much irrelevant. I have a phone and internet access, so my guess is I already know what happened today. That is why the average viewer age of people who tune in to these shows is about 80. But, for the sake of argument, let's say I did need to watch the nightly national news to learn about the day's events: would it really matter who was reading the teleprompter? Of course it wouldn't. I just need to know what happened, I don't particularly care who the person is that's telling me. That is why I'm always amused when a fill-in anchor takes a second to tell us that the regular host is on assignment. I really wasn't worried where they were. Hell, I barely noticed it was someone new.

Still, news anchors are downright vital compared to TV show actors and actresses. CBS is really pushing the next new episodes of CSI, because Marg Helgenberger is leaving the show and her last few appearances are going to be airing in the coming weeks. First off, who knew CSI was even still making new shows? I thought it only existed in re-runs on 10 different basic cable channels. It has reached the same level as the Law & Order franchise - no one watches it the day it airs, but everyone has seen the last five seasons twice because of the marathons that run on the USA network on rainy days. Secondly, the promoting of her final episodes is getting a little ridiculous. Do TV executives actually think people care about cast turnover? Much like with the news we just want the show - who actually reads the script is secondary. Sure, we might like one character versus another, but if the show is well-written we'll get over a cast switch pretty quickly.

I'll grant you that some characters on TV are more essential to their shows than others. (It would be really hard to shoot a show like Justified without Timothy Olyphant.) But, science-heavy crime dramas like CSI are especially immune to cast change because the market is so saturated with them. Half the time you can't even remember which character is on which show. Plus, they've done so many crossover episodes you can hardly remember who came from what franchise. Which brings us to Ms. Helgenberger. I can only assume she is leaving the show due to some kind of contract dispute. (She certainly can't be leaving to go back to her thriving film career.) I remember when William Peterson left CSI and everyone thought it was going to be the end of the line for the franchise. Turns out the show barely missed a beat. Here's all you need to know about her exit: the promos aren't even saying that Marg Helgenberger is leaving - they say her character, Catherine, is the one who is exiting. Doesn't exactly sound as if the show is expecting to go off the air without her.

In the end, this will probably be a good thing for Marg. I assume that standing over fake dead bodies and reciting science-heavy dialog week after week gets tiring after a few years and a break to do something else could be refreshing. However, I also expect her to be back on the show in the not-too-distant future. Much like when an athlete retires a little too early, only to come back within a year when they find out it's impossible to make that kind of money in an other walk of life, I think Marg is going to find out that people aren't lining up to offer her starring roles in the next Oscar contender. But, sometimes you just need to try something new to realize you had it pretty good where you were, even if that somewhere was getting a little repetitive.

A Prickly Situation

It's a well-established fact that when it comes to my yard I can not grow the things I want to grow, but the stuff I am trying to kill grows at a rate which is normally only seen in a science-fiction story. This is why despite over-seeding, consistent watering, fertilizing, and using the high-end feeding products, there are large patches in my yard where grass refuses to grow. On the flip side, despite two different landscaping crews rolling through in the last couple of months which took whacks at them, the front of my yard features several plants which not only grow in seemingly overnight, but appear to get bigger when they come back. (It's like the myth about shaving your chest, only there are thorns involved.) Seriously, I think the weed-killers I've used on these things have done nothing but make them immune.

It's the thorns that really kill me. I could live with a rogue plant popping up here and there, because at the end of the day I'm not trying to win any landscape awards. But the plants that keep coming back are really nothing more than thorns on sticks. They look like normal enough tress, so you are tempted to leave them be. But a closer examination reveals that instead of leaves, these trees just produced nothing but large and razor-sharp thorns. At least with a rose bush you get some pretty flowers once a year. These things are just ugly and annoying. As an added bonus, the thorns are roughly at eye level, so they can really do some damage. Frankly I'm surprised they haven't clipped someone that was walking by. I don't know who would plant these things. Hell, I don't even know why nature would create them.

That was why this afternoon I decided to break out the trusty Gator and at least cut them down before winter gets here. I'm hoping that we have a cold enough season that the roots won't be able to survive a couple months buried under some snow. However, these particular trees weren't going down without a fight. I was at least smart enough to go with two layers of long-sleeves and a pair of jeans I wouldn't mind seeing get shredded. I quickly discovered that the key to the entire operation was cutting away the individual branches before going after the sapling itself. What really killed me was trying to shove the branches into the barrel where I could throw them away. Even though I was wearing gloves I still had to spend most of my time trying to avoid grabbing a handful of thorns. While it wasn't a perfect solution, it did cut way down on the small cuts.

The problem was that there isn't much I can do about massive thorns. They are going to get you no matter what. At one point, one particular thorn got through the gloves and got me in the finger. I didn't think much of it until about an hour later when I looked down and saw that I had been cut so deep I actually bled through the glove. I'm fairly convinced I could spend the day cutting away rusty barbed wire and I wouldn't have been pricked so many times. If anyone knows what these damn trees are (or more importantly, how I can make sure they don't grow back) I would appreciate the answers. I do not want to do this again in the spring.

Movie Reviews

Once again we've reached that time where I've caught up on enough cable movies to start offering some reviews. Again, most of these aren't reviews of the actual films, more stuff that caught my eyes while watching them.

Cedar Rapids I was excited to see this because it stars John C. Reilly and Ed Helms, who I both enjoy and I was expecting a laugh riot. It's definitely a comedy, but also not what I was expecting. It's less in the mold of Step Brothers and more in the way that Stranger Than Fiction was a comedy. Basically, the jokes aren't obvious and it has some serious parts to it. It's one of those comedies where a scene is funny because we've all had that experience and not because someone is falling down. Not saying it was bad, just saying it was not as light as I thought it was going to be. I do worry about Ed Helms, though. In this movie he's not very far removed from his roles in the Hangover or The Office - you know, the sort of awkward, bumbling do-gooder who means well. You can ride that train for a while, but then you can't get off that track. My advice is to jump off before you get locked in.

The Mechanic Jason Statham plays an brooding assassin, if you can believe it. (He's done this role so many times I'm slightly worried that Statham might begin to believe he actually is an assassin.) You know, when it comes to action movies like this I'm willing to go with the writers' premise that there is a secret organization out there murdering people on a nearly daily basis without anyone ever getting suspicious. I'm also willing to play along with the idea that you can have massive gunfights in the streets without a single police car showing up. I'll even go with you that it is possible to make a clean getaway after that massive gunfight in this day and age without being seen by a single person and their camera-phone. But there was one scene where they rolled into a gas station and the price at the pump was $2.69 - that's where I call bullshit. C'mon guys, at least try and base your movie on reality, just a little.

Faster This movie claims to star The Rock, but in actuality it's one of those movies where the muscle car is the star. The Rock plays a guy driving around killing all the people involved in the murder of his brother and that's about as deep as the plot gets. Here is all you need to know about this script - they didn't bother to name half the characters. Now, I get only referring to The Rock as "Driver" - you're trying to surround him with an air of mystery. But when the rest of the people in the movie are referred to by their occupation or some physical feature it tells me that either the script was never finished or it never really got started. Whichever the case, it just comes across as lazy. But, at least the cars are awesome.

Conviction This movie tells the true story of a Massachusetts woman who put herself through law school and became a lawyer with the sole intent of getting her brother, who was wrongly convicted of murder, out of jail. It is very well acted, but this is yet another movie where I bet the documentary of the true story featuring interviews with the real life-people involved, which is most likely included in the special features section of the DVD is way more interesting than the actual movie. But, that is not my point of contention with this film. Here's what bugs me: why do we continue to let people in movies butcher Boston accents? This movie stars Hillary Swank, who is a very good actress, and yet for this entire movie it sounds like she's doing her best Mayor Quimby impression. It really is not that hard of an accent to master. Memo to Hollywood: not everyone in Massachusetts is related to the Kennedys.

Time To Go

On Friday the City of Boston told the protesters of Occupy Boston that they had to leave Dewey Square, the park they had lived in for the last couple of months. If they weren't gone by midnight, they were going to be arrested. I know you may find this hard to believe, but many of the protesters didn't listen to the City and remained. So, Saturday morning around 50 of them were arrested and the park was finally cleared out. According to reports, all went smoothly, or at least as smoothly as a raid of that size can go. Occupy Boston has already said they would continue the fight elsewhere and even staged a rally Saturday night, though from the news reports I saw it wasn't very well-attended. I can't exactly say I'm surprised.

I don't know about you, but I was starting to get the feeling that a few of the occupiers were almost glad to have a reason to leave. I'm sure when they joined the movement they thought they would cause sweeping changes to move in quickly, but when that didn't happen I wonder just how many started to doubt if this was the best use of their time. At the very least it was taking a lot longer than they anticipated. Obviously they weren't going to leave because no one wants to abandon a movement, but it's getting colder and the holidays are coming, so I can't shake the feeling that more than a couple of them are grateful that the city gave them an out. Perhaps the next movement will take place somewhere a little warmer and with easier access to bathrooms.

Weekly Sporties

-The biggest name in free baseball free agency this year was that of Albert Pujols. The once-in-a-generation slugger was on the open market for the first time in his career and, despite getting a huge offer from the Miami Marlins, most people thought he would re-sign with the St. Louis Cardinals, the only baseball team he has ever played for. But, in a shocking early-morning signing, Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million deal with the Anaheim Angels (I know that's not their proper name, but I don't care). Now, even though analysts seemed sad that he was leaving St. Louis, a lot of people thought this was a great signing for the Angels. Well, half a great signing, anyway. Eveyone sort of agrees that paying him that much money for that long is a losing proposition. Pujols will turn 32 in January, which means he'll be 41 in the final year of this deal and no one expects him to still be playing well at that age. That, of course, makes me wonder why they offered him that long of a contract. If you know a guy isn't going to keep playing at his current level for more than 5 years (6 tops), why not offer him a 7-year deal just to cover your bases? An addition 3 years at $25 million per seems a really bad idea, especially when you know in year 1 it's going to happen. A lot of people say it is because Albert wanted a 10-year deal. Well, he can't want lots of stuff, it doesn't mean you have to give it all to him. You're already giving him $25 million a year, I think he can make a few concessions going the other way.

-About a decade ago the biggest name in baseball free agency was Manny Ramirez. Well, things have certainly changed for Manny in the last couple of years. First he failed a drug test in Los Angeles and was suspended 50 games. Then he had a couple of lackluster years for the Dodgers, which led to him signing a one-year contract with the Tampa Bay Rays. But before the season even started Manny was informed he had failed a second drug test and was going to be suspended for 100 games, at which point he promptly retired. I remember writing when he announced his retirement that I wondered just how long he was going to be able to stay away from the game, considering Ramirez didn't strike me as the kind of guy who has a lot of hobbies outside baseball. Turns out I should have bet money on it, as this week Manny filed reinstatement papers with Major League Baseball stating he intends to come out of retirement. First off, I fully expect him to end up on the Marlins because that seems to be their move this year. Now Manny still has to serve a suspension for his second failed drug test, but the thing that caught my eye was that MLB announced Ramirez's suspension had been cut in half and he would only be suspended 50 games. How does that work? How does essentially taking your ball and going home get rewarded? Try that next time you get a speeding ticket: "That's a $200 fine." You know what, officer? I'm not even going to drive this car anymore... Wait, I need a car. "Good for you. It'll be a $100 fine then." I highly doubt that would work.

-One of my biggest pet peeves in sports is when people start to treat rumors as if they are facts. This week started off with sources inside the Lakers saying that they would like to add both Chris Paul and Dwight Howard to their team and they were willing to trade almost anyone on their roster to make it happen. Yeah, well so would the other 29 teams in the league. So, what exactly makes this news? Now, I will grant you that the Lakers did aquire Chris Paul for a few hours on Thursday (which we talked about yesterday), but there was little to no chance they were ever going to be able to get both Paul and Howard on their roster. It was the sports equivalent of me saying that I want to go on a date with Jessica Biel. Well, isn't it nice to want? Yet, for some reason ESPN spent half the week talking about how great the Lakers lineup would be if it had Kobe, Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. It would be great, but that doesn't make it true. I know that the Lakers usually manage to capture the sexy names in free agency, but how about from now on we at least wait until guys are actually on the team before we start talking about their crunch time rotations?

-A few days ago baseball announced that it was going to have a dress code. Not for its players, but for the media members who cover the teams. Apparently, people had decided that just because you work in sports it doesn't mean you get to dress like a slob. You can tell how bad some locker rooms had gotten by the items that were banished: muscle shirts, ripped jeans, mini-skirts, halter tops and flip-flops. Honestly, if you have to be told not to wear that stuff to work then I can only wonder how you got a press pass to begin with. But, there was one item that caught my eye: no clothing with team logos on it. Granted, when you are trying to act as though you are impartial, wearing a team-issued hoodie doesn't look so good. Still, this is going to kill most baseball writer's, because damn do they love their free shirts. When I was working in radio I once had a very popular local writer call me four times because I had mentioned getting him a free shirt from the station. For guys like that to have to go out and buy a logo-free polo is the equivalent of torture. I'm willing to bet the writer's in St. Louis took news of the new dress code harder than the Pujols decision.

-In a move that continues to show they are suddenly the most innovative sports league in North America, the NHL announced major changes to the league's playoff system. Instead of doing the standard two-conference, six-division alignment they have now, the league is going to a four-conference system that will be based more on geography than before and will feature a re-seeding for the four conference champions rather than the normal East vs West format. Basically, it means you could see teams like the Bruins and the Sharks meet in the semi-finals of the playoffs and the Bruins could face the Rangers in the Stanley Cup Finals. It's all very new and a little confusing, so instead of harping on that, I'm going to take a little umbrage with the conference the Bruins have been placed in. Currently they are slated to be with Montreal (good), Buffalo, Toronto, Tampa Bay, Florida and Ottawa. Meanwhile the other East Coast conference is the Islanders, the Rangers, the Penguins, the Flyers, the Devils, the Hurricane and the Capitals. Seriously? Why does it feel like the Bruins are in the 'leftover' conference despite being an Original 6 team? And if these conferences are supposed to be more based on geography I couldn't help but notice Boston is nowhere near Florida. I know I shouldn't be complaining because they are clearly in the easier conference, but when you consider the schedules will be weighed towards conference match-ups it feels like the fans are getting screwed here. I mean, would you rather see the Bruins play the Rangers 4 times a year or the Panthers? I rest my case.

-There was a strange story in college football this week. Tuesday night reports started to come out that June Jones, currently the head coach at SMU, had reached an agreement to become the new head man at Arizona State. All that was left to be hammered out were contract details. But, by Wednesday afternoon the deal was off. Reportedly the Sun Devils backed out after concerns from students and alumni. Alright, I'll ask: when did Arizona State get to be so choosy? Last time I checked the Sun Devils haven't exactly been a PAC-12 powerhouse - they only win the conference about once a decade. And I'll grant you that June Jones isn't exactly warm and fuzzy, but he's a very good college coach. He took Hawaii to a BCS bowl for heaven's sake. Also in two years he turned SMU into a winner and they hadn't been relevant in college football in almost 20 years. Sure, he may not be the sexy name other schools have been hiring lately, but he wins. Also he's never had an NCAA violations against him and it appears like he runs a clean program. So, here's what I would like to remind Arizona State fans: you don't have to hang out with him. We've all worked in an office with a prickly person before - as long as they can get the job done then it doesn't really matter if you don't want them to find out where everyone is going for drinks after work. I'm telling you, winning covers up a lot of personality defects.

-The last time I wrote about NASCAR's Kurt Busch he was complaining about how there was no sportsmanship in auto-racing. Since that time Busch was caught on camera screaming violently at a reporter in a video that became a YouTube sensation and his crew chief quit while basically saying he no longer wanted to put up with Busch's verbal abuse on a weekly basis. Busch said he intended to seek out a sports psychologist to deal with his anger issues, but it was too late. Early in the week he announced that he was leaving Penske racing after he and his team "mutually parted ways". No they didn't. This is like when someone gets dumped and then tries way too hard to convince all their friends it was a mutual decision. The reality is that NASCAR has slowly been shrinking over the past few years. As a sponsor-driven sport in a bad economy, funding has been harder to come by and teams go under almost every week. Busch was on a solid team with a major sponsor - you simply don't give that up voluntarily, even if you're a previous Cup Champion. There are only so many job openings for drivers and you certainly won't see a car like this come open under normal circumstances. Sounds to me like the first thing Busch and his sports therapist need to talk about are a few honesty issues.

Veto Power

Yesterday afternoon it was being reported that the New Orleans Hornets had traded their star player Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers in a deal that included players coming and going through the Houston Rockets. While everyone focused on the Lakers getting the biggest star in the deal (because they always do), it was quite a coup for the Hornets. You see, Paul is in the last year of his deal and has basically said there is no way he will remain with the team beyond this season, so the Hornets were in a situation where they essentially had to trade Paul before the year ended otherwise he would leave and they would get nothing for him. Everyone knows this, so considering the lack of bargaining power they were dealing with, I actually thought they ended up with a pretty good collection of young, pretty good and cheap players along with some draft picks and a Kardashian's husband. It appears I was the only one who thought that.

Now, this is where it gets complicated: the Hornets are currently without an owner. The previous owner was losing so much money owning the team that he basically couldn't afford to make payroll anymore. And with the league staring down a lockout because small-market teams like New Orleans couldn't manage to be competitive and turn a profit, he couldn't find a buyer. So to try and keep the team going, the remaining NBA owners each ponied up a few millions dollars and the league took control of the Hornets with every owner having an equal share. If you've ever seen a sitcom episode where a group of friends buy an equal share of something valuable you probably know this wasn't going to end well. And when the group of buyers is made up of super-competitive billionaires who aren't used to not getting their way it's a recipe for a full-blown disaster, which is exactly what happened.

After the trade was announced people kept harping on the Lakers getting the biggest name and creating yet another super-team (again, it wasn't nearly as bad for New Orleans as people were making it out to be). But, apparently all this talk of another star leaving a small-market for a glamour team (which was what the lockout was supposed to prevent from happening) wasn't sitting well with the owners of the rest of the small-market teams, because they saw what happened to New Orleans and became convinced that their team was going to be the next one to have a superstar push his way to one of the marquee franchises. And since these people also own a stake of the Hornets, it suddenly occurred to several of them that they should have input on any trades that the Hornets make and let their opinions be known. A few hours later David Stern, the Commissioner of the NBA, vetoed the deal saying it was in the best interest of the team and the league that Paul remain with the Hornets.

This is of course sent professional basketball into a tailspin. How could the Commissioner veto a deal like this? Did he actually have that power? To me it comes down to a very simple question: if the Hornets were owned by one person or group, would he have allowed this deal to go through? Of course he would have, so it should have been approved now. That leads me to wonder just how much was he influenced by the other owners? I mean, it is crazy to think that he would let them have a say in a trade that sends a great player to one of their rivals, regardless of whether they own a stake in the Hornets or not. And at what point does trying to help one team just hurt the rest of the league? By not letting this trade go through Stern not only hurt the Hornets, but the Lakers and Rockets, two teams that actually make money.

I understand that Stern works for all the owners and not the players, but let's not fool ourselves: not every NBA owner is created equal. The League is better off when the Knicks, Lakers, Celtics and 76ers are doing well. It's one thing to say you don't play favorites, it's another to piss off your best money-makers to try and prove it. Now, during the lockout there was talk that New Orleans would be contracted. But considering that would mean all the other owners would lose the millions dollars they spent on their share of the team I can see why they would rather keep the Hornets going and try to sell them to a new owner instead. And there is no disputing a player like Chris Paul would certainly make the team a lot more attractive to a potential new owner. But, a situation like this certainly isn't going to help. At the moment I can't see why anyone would want to buy a stake in this mess.

Currently basketball fans should be super excited that the league is back and getting ready for a new season. Instead right now they are all talking about this debacle. Instead of talking about roster moves and schedules, there is talk of lawsuits and a lot of hurt feelings. Chris Paul is thinking about suing the NBA for blocking his ticket out of New Orleans while Lakers officials had to spend the day trying to explain to a couple of very sensitive power forwards that the trade was nothing personal, it was just business. Meanwhile David Stern has to deal with columnists and other media talking heads wondering if he's on some kind of super power trip. The smartest thing he could do would be to reverse field and allow the trade to go through, but I can't see a guy like David Stern ever admitting he was wrong, especially not about something so public. But, that doesn't change the fact that it's the right thing to do. First off, it might make Stern look a little more human. Secondly, it's not like he could look any worse.