You Need A Cooler Car

A recurring theme on this blog is that every guy out there is currently starring in an action movie in his own mind. It's not totally our fault - it is the product of a youth spent watching movies like "Die Hard" every weekend. If you see a guy in line, rest assured in his mind he is currently figuring out a plan of action should terrorists decide to take over this particular sub shop. Nowhere is this action hero mentality clearer then when we are behind the wheel of our cars. It doesn't actually matter where we are going, we're thinking that it is vital we get their quickly. When you see a guy weaving in and out of traffic you may think he's just being an overly-aggressive driver, but in his mind he's trying to get to the President before a bomb goes off.

This afternoon I was driving in front of exactly this type of action star wannabe. As he was weaving his car in and out of traffic, even cutting into the quasi-breakdown lane to pass several cars on the right, he made it abundantly clear he was in a hurry. Though, once I got a look at him I never would have thought he had anywhere to go. Besides that, there was another huge flaw in his action-star fantasy: he was driving a Buick. No action star drives a Buick. My parents had a Buick. In fact he had the same kind of Buick that my parents used to drive and I know this because after he passed me but before I could even see the decal on the back of the car I could see the clock clearly. The huge clock display is a clear sign of any Buick.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about a few other things or vehicles that should immediately put a stop to any action-star fantasy. I know people can have very active imaginations, but there are some things even the best mind can't overcome.

-The car is pre-2000, but post-1980: Let's be honest with each other - the 80s and 90s were not a good time for car makers. There were very few iconic cars put out during this period. If you are going to drive an older car, it should least be a classic. Would you ever seen an action star driving a 1996 Ford Taurus?

-Different color panels: I know that some times action movies start with the hero down on his luck, driving a POS. Admittedly, you can overcome this if you happen to be a particularly good looking man. It would be easier if you were driving an Audi.

-Bumper stickers: Hey, sometimes bumper stickers can't be helped. If the car is being passed down through the family (and you could easily make the case that hand-me-down cars are an automatic action star disqualifier), there are going to be a few stickers you may not agree with: schools you didn't go to, mountains you never skied, children that are no longer student of the month at an elementary school. But if you want to be bad-ass you have to scrape them off. Otherwise you are just going to kill your bad-ass mojo before it even starts.

So, there you go - just a couple of the things that should bring any action-star fantasy to a halt immediately. If any of these things apply to your mode of transportation I'm going to have to ask that you cool it with the aggressive driving and come back to reality. At least until you find yourself on line at the bank. At that point, feel free to be on the lookout for bad guys.