Push The Blue Button

When I bought my Mountaineer in June of 2007, I did it with the understanding that it came with the bells and whistles which are standard in this kind of vehicle: sunroof, running boards, on-board navigation. You know, typical stuff to excite guys like me who don't really know much about cars but love accessories. Frankly, it was more than I needed coming from my old truck which, by this point, didn't even come with a guarantee to keep running as I was driving down the highway at 70 mph. When the dealer I was buying the car from handed me the keys they were attached to a remote with four buttons: lock, unlock, a red panic button and a blue button where the graphic had been worn away. I was told normally that button would be to remotely unlock the trunk, but since this was an SUV it obviously didn't have trunk and therefore the button didn't do anything. It sounded plausible enough and I went about my life not giving it a second thought.

Now, two summers ago the handle to open the back hatch broke, meaning the door wouldn't open. Again, I was able to roll with it because I could still get the glass open to get important things like my golf clubs in and out of the back half of the truck. I can't really move big things, but anything large that needs to be moved should be in my dad's pick-up anyways. So, between never really needing the hatch to open and not wanting to pay the hundreds of dollars I assume it would take to fix, the latch has remained inoperative. But, just because I don't need it to work that doesn't stop it from continuing to bother me. On numerous days when I had nothing better to do I found myself trying essentially to break into my own truck through the back door, thinking that if I could just somehow pry the door open I could take off the back panel, get a good look at the inside of the door, figure out what is broken and fix it myself. Then Friday night I was driving home and accidentally hit the blue button on the remote, which I have believed for the past four years to be useless. Behind me I heard a noise, which I interpreted as the sound of the back lock releasing (probably because that was what I wanted to hear). Now I was excited because I thought maybe the blue button actually did do something and, even better, that something was open the back door.

I didn't have a chance to explore this possibility that night because it was late and being under the weather delayed me even further. However late this morning I found myself with a schedule gap and was already out at my car, so it seemed like the perfect time to see if I was going to be able to finally fix my back door. I stood behind my truck and hit the blue button, ready and fully expecting my hatch to open. I heard the click again, only this time it sounded like the locks were engaging. Pressing the button a second time I heard the horn beep. The third time I decided to press and hold the button, at which point the doors locked, the horn beeped... and the engine roared to life. All I could think was, "you've got to be shitting me."

Would you believe I've had a remote starter on my car this entire time and never knew it? How did this not come up during the sale? That should have been a selling point, as getting a remote starter installed is a couple hundred bucks. Also, I'm amazed it still works after four years of not being used. I mean, I never use my emergency brake and that has had to be replaced twice. It is just so typical of me to discover something like this now, when winter is over. This would have come in handy on multiple occasions this year (or any of the past four years), like when my car doors were frozen shut. I guess the moral of the story is this: when you buy a used Mercury from a Subaru dealership you should take the time to press all the buttons, because clearly they don't always know what the hell they are selling you.