I'm Staying Right Here

Despite Hurricane Irene being downgraded to a tropical storm before her arrival in New England, the high winds associated with being on the wrong side of a hurricane still showed up and managed to do quite a bit of damage to the Eastern part of Massachusetts. Lot of trees and powerlines down; it was quite a mess on Sunday. But, what continues to blow my mind is that it's Wednesday and there are some people in the area who still don't have power. Look, I know Irene was strong as tropical storms go, but this should not be taking this long to fix. We didn't get it nearly as bad as others and it is not like we live in an area which is hard to get to, so I really don't see why this is still an issue.

A check online reveals that not only are parts of Wareham still devoid of electricity (which they lost almost before the storm even got here), but they aren't expected to get it back until Friday or Saturday. Alright, near the beach, I can almost forgive that. But most of the town of Foxboro still doesn't have power (I mean, the stadium does, let's not go crazy here). During the storm I never would have thought that area was being hit hard enough to even lose power to begin with, let alone for it to be out for an entire week. This kind of stuff should not be happening in this time and this area. Personally, I would be freaking out if I didn't have electricity this long. I don't like being without Internet access for too many hours, let alone lights. And don't get me started on A/C. If this week had been as muggy as last week was someone who was without power could have gone on a killing spree and no jury in the world would have convicted them.

This, as happens every time I experience a blackout, got me to thinking about how these dark nights were what it used to be like in back when this land was first being settled. And by that I mean really boring. No wonder those people were in bed by 7 pm and up at 4 - they had nothing to do once the sun went down but go to bed. Normally people talk about all the other periods of history they would like to have seen, but in thinking about it for more than five minutes I can safely say that I am good with staying put. Even if I had access to a time machine I don't think I could go back and live in colonial times. I might go back and visit just long enough to witness some type of major historical event, but as soon as that was over I would be back to Wi-Fi, Ipods and flatscreen TVs. (Not to mention that if we have time machines you know some other really cool inventions have also come along.)

People on the History Channel always talk about how much they would like to go back and experience these things for themselves. I call bullshit. I think they say stuff like that to sound sophisticated, but if push came to shove they wouldn't give up Starbucks and ebooks for a second. Even the people who work at historical reenactment sites are probably very grateful that they get to stop playing at 5 pm, then go home to their DVRs and iPhones. Just because you admire the grit and determination of the people who were tough enough to conquer the wilderness that doesn't mean you have to feel guilty about living in a technologically advanced society. But, if you are really curious to hear a first-hand story about what is like to live in a time where you don't have cable, Internet and electricity, why not ask some people a few towns over? I can sum it up for you: it sucks!

Maybe You Should Go Private

Lately, it seems like social media had been under a little bit of an attack. Between rioters in England and flash-mob-style robberies in the United States being organized through Facebook and Twitter, people are starting to question how useful some of these social media sites really are and whether or not officials should start to investigate ways to better monitor them. There is even talk of limiting the things you can do online. As a big free speech advocate I hope these (and all social media sites) are left alone because I really feel both provide valuable services and we shouldn't let a few bad people spoil it for the majority of law-abiding Internet users.

I give Facebook a lot of crap, but truthfully I will admit it has some real value. It can really come in handy if you want to know how someone you've lost contact with is doing without having to hear every little detail that has happened in their lives since the last time you saw them and you can do it on your own schedule. I'm sure if it had been around when I was working overnight shifts I would have found it very convenient. Meanwhile Twitter has become an actual source of news. This weekend, as I was tracking the storm surge from Irene I was really worried about how Swift's Beach was doing and whether or not it was under water. Well, there were no news crews in that area (around there, sure, but not actually there) so I did a quick Twitter searches for Tweets coming from around that area and I was able to find out that while the area didn't have power and there were some very strong winds, at least everyone was staying dry. So, really, Twitter was one of the better news sources I had during the storm. Those are the good sides.

The bad part come when people seem to forget that just anyone can look them up. While doing my area search, mixed in between people complaining about the lack of power and the Video Music Awards results (yeah, people actually still watch those), I saw one Tweet from a young lady reading, "Down at the canal, smoking blunts with [two other Twitter handles I have since forgotten]." How stupid is this girl? Does she not know that things put on the Internet are there for everyone to see? I get that people are very casual with marijuana laws, but it is still illegal. What if I had been a cop or some other person who feels vigilante justice is my calling? It's one thing to get caught committing a crime, it's completely another level of stupidity to call attention to yourself while you're doing it.

Every time an athlete is caught Tweeting or texting something they shouldn't to people they shouldn't be talking to in the first place, those self-help 'experts' are on TV saying things like, "Think about what you're about to do before you press send." Normally can't stand people who give unsolicited advice but in this case, I'll allow it. I don't think you have to be an athlete to appreciate that; I feel as though this is great advice, period. Especially when it is so easy to protect your Tweets and hide your Facebook. And if you're too stupid to realize that anyone could be seeing the private business you decided to make public, then you should be laying off the pot anyway, because clearly you don't have the brain cells to spare.

Final Irene Ramblings

-Made it through the storm mostly unscathed in these parts. A few branches down and one section of a tree to cut up, but for the most part I can't complain. The only major hassle came when the power went out. First it flickered and went out for a second. Then a minute later it went out for an hour. Then it came for 3 minutes (or just long enough to reset all the clocks in my bedroom) before going back out. Honestly, I don't care about losing power but if it's gonna happen I would prefer it stay off until it's ready to come all the way back. To tease me like that is just cruel.

-I couldn't help but laugh at all the Massachusetts "surfers" who were interviewed on the news during the storm. It seems like they were all acting like how they thought surfers should act - as though they were trying out for an 80s surfer movie. Because you know real surfers probably are nothing like that. I imagine it's the same way people who claim to be gang members in places like Kansas act - doing what they think is right, but in reality is just a caricature. Sure, technically, they're in a gang, but you know damn well that if they were ever in South Central Los Angeles they'd be calling the cops every time they heard a gunshot.

-This morning was filled with people on television, second-guessing all the weathermen and women about how much they had built up the storm (especially in New York city). People were complaining they had fed some kind of hype machine and blown the storm way out of proportion and made people unnecessarily panic. Now, sure, I will agree that some coverage got out of hand and that we really didn't need 10 guys standing on a beach getting whipped with sand in the face to let us know the storm was picking up (4 would have been more than enough). Still, this really bugs me for the simple reason that if the story was reversed and the weather people told everyone it was going to be OK only to see the storm picked up in intensity then those same people would have been on TV screaming about how the weathermen failed to tell us it was going to be so bad and why didn't they warn us more? You can't have it both ways.

-Drove down to Wareham this morning to see if the beach house was still standing. I'm happy to report that while the place has no power, it still has all its windows, siding, doors and shingles. Also it did not gain any addition high water lines on the walls, which was a concern when they started mentioning astronomical high tides on top of the hurricane storm surge which allegedly could have been as high as 11 feet. Not having any power sucks, but considering I vividly remember what the place looked like after hurricane Bob, I'll take it.

-The downside was that we had to get rid of everything in the refrigerator, which sounds like it would be quite a task. And normally it is, until you remember that the only things in the fridge in Wareham are beer, soda and ice cream. Hey, it's a vacation house - were you expecting healthy food?

-It was a weird destruction pattern down in Wareham, as some street just had a few tree limbs down, while the next street over had huge trees that had snapped in half. I'll tell you one thing I did notice: the church on the way to the beach house had a huge tree snap right in half and another church in Onset had its steeple blown off. You would have thought those would have been better protected. I mean, I'm just saying...

-Here's one from the "work smarter, not harder" files: Wareham had a place in the town yard where you could drop off your sticks and leaves, free of charge. When we got there we saw two older gentlemen about halfway through unloading a trailer full of debris. Now, my father and I are very good at clearing this kind of mess. We've worked out a system in which we put the largest branches on the bottom and slowly build from largest to smallest. The result is almost like a bird's nest in the pick-up's bed. So while it takes us a little longer to get loaded up it all comes out in one solid clump and we can dump our stuff much faster. We pulled up, had the truck bed empty in roughly 20 seconds (that is not an exaggeration) and were on our way while these guys were barely halfway through emptying their trailer. Amateurs.

Another Stormy Interlude

Admit it - you thought this was going to be "Rock You Like A Hurricane", didn't you? Believe me, I thought about it. In fact, I had considered using it since last week, thinking it was appropriate for the scandal with the Miami Hurricanes football program. If I hadn't already had another musical interlude ready to go I might have. Then when Hurricane Irene became such a big story this week I figured it was a no-brainer for this week. However, that was before everyone else had the same thought and pounded the Scorpions into my brain over the last couple of days. After hearing it so many times I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we're going with something a little different. Hope you're all safe and dry.

Weekly Sporties

-Because they own the rights to everything but the Championship game, ESPN has been over-loading us with the Little League World Series this entire week - bumping shows I (and a lot of people) would much rather watch in favor of coverage of an event that I seriously doubt pulls down strong ratings. Here's the thing ESPN apparently fails to grasp: the reason people like to watch sports is because they want to see world-class athletes perform at a level they never could. But the Little League World Series is full of mediocre pitching, bad base running and worse fielding. It is not particularly entertaining. Also, people really only care about kids athletics when it's their kid. I don't know these kids - I don't care who wins. The only people invested in the outcome are probably there watching it live. Also, watching kids sports without knowing any of the participants makes you feel like a pedophile. I thought about it perhaps being a regional pride thing, but even when a local team makes it I don't care. Next year move this thing to ESPN4 where it belongs.

-Because of this weekend's hurricane, the Red Sox have decided to move Sunday's game to Saturday and play a double-header. You know, hurricane or not, I would really like to see this happen more often in baseball. I don't see why you can't schedule more doubleheaders at the start of the season. Maybe if you did that baseball wouldn't stretch into November and the World Series teams wouldn't have to play with three layers and a jacket on.

-One more Red Sox item: when the Cubs fired their GM last week, Theo Epstein became the hot name on the market as his replacement. After all, he was the guy in charge when the Red Sox broke their 86-year championship drought, so who better to try and stop a Cubs' slide which is in its second century? Now, unless they sweeten the pie by offering him the team presidency, I doubt Theo goes anywhere. But, if he was going to leave the Sox, what I would really want to see is him take over some team which is more middle-of-the-pack when it comes to payroll. Let's see how good you can be when you don't have more money than all but two or three teams to play with and you can't just buy the best free agent every winter. Then we'll find out just how talented a baseball GM Epstein really is.

-When the Indianapolis Colts signed Kerry Collins a couple days ago, the Colts said it was just insurance, that Peyton Manning's neck injury should not keep him out of week 1 of the NFL season and that no Colts fans should be panicking. Yeah, if you're team is signing Kerry Collins with only two preseason games left to learn a hurry-up offense that is based on timing, it's time to worry. They can try and tell you everything is ok as much as they like, but you've got to think this is strong sign Manning will not be ready to start the season. That being said, the Colts will be fine if Manning only misses a game or two, so I really hope make sure he's completely healthy before they send him back out there. Necks are not something you mess with.

-So, after weeks of NFL 'experts' saying that Terrelle Pryor was destined to not even be drafted in the NFL supplemental draft, not only was he taken, but the Raiders drafted him in the third round. While that seems really high, I would expect nothing less of the Raiders, who have made so many bad trades the last couple of years that the didn't have a fourth rounder to offer. I think the bigger issue is just how wrong everyone else was on Pryor's draft status. It really kills all their credibility. I mean, why should I listen to how you expect a 250-person draft to play out when you can't even get a 1-player draft right?

-A couple weeks back I told you about Kyle Busch, the NASCAR driver who was pulled over driving his car 128 mph in a 45. At the time everyone laughed and made jokes about how big a ticket that was going to be. That was until Kyle's license was taken away for 45 days this week after he was charged with reckless driving. Now, you would think this would be a problem, considering Kyle drives for a living, but it's not. It won't change his status at all. Because, apparently, you don't need a license to drive in NASCAR. That has to make all the other drivers out on that track feel good. You can drive 200 mph three inches off a guy's bumper, but you still need someone to pick you up when the race is over.

-Rafael Nadal has a new auto-biography coming out later this month and in an excerpt released to the press the other day Nadal comments on how after suffering a sever foot injury in 2002, he thought about giving up tennis and becoming a professional golfer. I like how he throws it out there, like becoming a pro golfer is some easy feat. I'm not sure if I should be more offended that he thinks golf is so easy, or the fact that for him, it probably is.

More Radio Contest Ramblings

Just like last year, this week I once again tried to win a radio call-in contest for some free golf tickets. And, just like last year, I came away empty-handed, save for some observations. Rather than clog up my Twitter feed with them, here they are, in no particular order.

-Despite not trying as many times this year (Hurricane Irene prep on Thursday and Friday cut into my efforts), I managed to get through just as many times as last year. I spoke to an actual human 4 times, when I was caller 4, 21 (Which totals up to 25, which was the caller I had to be to win. You'd think that would get me something, but it didn't. Damn arithmetic.), 1 and 16. So, while I didn't get any free stuff, at least I improved my percentages on the attempts-getting-rings-versus-busy-signals ratio. I know moral victories usually aren't worth a damn thing, but they take on added importance when they're all you've go to work with.

-On the call in which I was the first person through I was very surprised, because I'd never pulled that one off before. I told the guy I thought I should get something for being the fastest dialer. He laughed and hung up. I guess he thought I was kidding.

-One time after they played the "cue to call" the song which followed was Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" which also doubles as the most-played song on my iTunes (those of you who know me are probably not surprised by that fact). I took this song choice as a good omen. It was not.

-Another time the cue was followed by ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man", another song that is high on my personal playlist. I figured this time was the good omen. Again, it was not.

-I can not tell you the level of hatred I have for the people who were caller 25, but had no idea what they had just won. One guy said he looked forward to seeing Tiger Woods. Tiger won't be playing next week and people have known that for about a month now. I demand that man return the tickets, because he clearly isn't a golfer and won't appreciate the experience. This is why I prefer radio contests that have a trivia question involved. Weeds out the people who are just full of dumb luck.

-This was probably the most radio listening I have done since.... well, when I was trying to win tickets last year. And my time spent listening has led me to conclude the lack of variety on classic rock stations is a little disturbing. It's basically the same 15 musical acts and the only thing that really changes are the songs selected. I mean, they'll toss in a few random bands in the mix just to break up the monotony, but for the most part it's the same groups over and over. I know that not every band can be considered 'classic', but how many times in a day can I hear the Rolling Stones?

-Still, I think the more disturbing trend was the station playing recently-released music from those same 15 bands. I'm not a fan of musical acts skating by on reputation. Just because they churned out a few hits 40 years ago doesn't mean everything they touch turns to gold. Why don't we give the new stuff a few years to marinate before we consider it 'classic'?

-This lack of variety leads to a discussion point: just how old does a song have to be to move into the 'classic' category? The newest song that I heard came out in 1987. Wouldn't you think the very passage of time would lend itself to more music being available to be added to the station's library? I understand they can't exactly be playing songs made in 2000, but you could at least move to the early 90s, couldn't you? The last thing you want as a radio station is to give the appearance of being one of those crotchety old hippies who sit around and talk about how there hasn't been any good music made since you were a kid. Because if you notice, after a while those people always wind up talking only to themselves. That's a problem for a radio station.

There's A Storm A-Comin'

There is a scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" (clearly the best film of the "Star Wars" trilogy, by the way) in which Han Solo is trying to fix his ship while hiding in a cave when he hears a noise outside. He goes out to see what it is because, "I just got this bucket of bolts back together. I'm not going to let something tear it apart!" (Have I lost all but my nerdiest of readers? Yes? Ok, we'll just move on then.) Anyway, I couldn't help but think of that quote this afternoon as I headed down to Wareham to button the beach house up before the arrival of Irene this weekend. You see, it would be quite ironic timing if just after the new deck was finished (the last thing that needed to be done down at the beach house before we could consider it really done), some giant storm came along and essentially hit the reset button on the place. Honestly, the though would make me laugh if it didn't want to make me cry even more.

However, I don't know if you are aware of this, but I have the weird power to change weather patterns based on my actions. If snow is forecast and I run out to get salt, firewood, gas for the snowblower and move the shovels right next to the door, then it is almost a certainty that the storm will suddenly hit a warm front no one expected and the foot of snow that was expected will now just be a few annoying drops of rain. And if a storm isn't expected to be a big deal and I react by just leaving everything as is, suddenly it will pick up strength and bury us under a blizzard. Really, it's kind of a gift.

So, because I want this storm to stay as far away from the beach house as possible, I was extra thorough in my cleaning. Not only did I make sure all the windows and doors were secure as well as clearing everything off the deck and bringing all the chairs and grills inside, but I took the extra step of moving any low-lying electronics to higher ground, unplugging any electrical sockets that were below the flood line the last time a storm of this size rolled through, put chairs up on tables and then killed the power to everything but the refrigerator. I did pretty much everything I could think of. Therefore, it was no surprise that by the time I got home the storm's track had headed further west.

Now, this new track (which could easily shift again, so it's not like I'm exhaling) means that while we're still going to get whacked, this area may end up getting hit harder than the Cape. As such, tomorrow is all about making sure I'm secure in these parts and buttoning this house up tighter than a drum. Hopefully knowing I'm ready for the storm here will push it even farther west. Sorry, New York - but if it's either going to be you or me, I think you know which one I'm hoping gets spared.

Who Doesn't Like This Guy?

Did you know there are actually people in the world who do not find Louis C.K. funny? I'm as shocked at this as you are. I get that his show on FX might not be for everyone because it has a lot of uncomfortable moments (seriously, though, if you appreciate comedy at all, watch the scene where he interacts with Dane Cook. It's fascinating. I really want to know how it came about and how much of that was written versus just them being honest with each other), but you can't deny that the guy can tell a joke. Only Louie can make punching a dog in the face funny.

Did You Feel That?

Early this afternoon there was an earthquake centered in Virginia which measured 5.9 on the Richter scale. Apparently, its tremors could be felt as far away as Maine and it caused some structural damage to buildings in New York and Washington, DC. For the rest of us, it was more subtle. My dad was in his office in Boston and he said that he felt a wave of nausea, almost like motion sickness, but couldn't tell if something was going on or if it was only him until his coworkers asked him if he felt the shaking too and they saw the blinds swaying. Now, I was on the road at the time and I didn't feel a thing. I have to say, I'm a little bummed out about 1t.

I can say that now, because no one was hurt and it doesn't sound like there were any areas that suffered major damage (except our East Coast pride, as now all the people in California are laughing at us because they don't even get out of bed for a 5.9). It's just I've never felt an earthquake before and I was kind of curious to see what it was like. It's not like you can go on an 'earthquake safari' and pay for the experience - these things have to happen on their own. Now, I'm not saying that I want this to become a regular thing. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm so bummed about missing this earthquake is the accompanying feeling that it might have been my only shot. The only thing I got out of this was two hours of my computer acting up as apparently Verizon's systems were overloaded by people calling and texting. [Sidebar: For the record, I refuse to be one of those people who didn't feel anything, but are saying they did for attention. I can always tell the people who do that. They are the ones who are quiet at first until they hear everyone's stories and then they take little details from each, but ratchet the drama up to 11. I know those girls all too well.]

I think the happiest people on the planet are the local news affiliates. They were probably looking at another day of talking about a hurricane that may or not hit us and a Presidential election which is still a 15 months away. Now they can spend the next three days running stories about people's experiences during the earthquake (which are only going to get more dramatic over time) and then features about what you can do to earthquake-proof your home. Lastly, they will have the graphics department whip up something fancy to go underneath the headline, "Will it happen again?" I mean, this is Boston. Most of the buildings here are old and even the ones that aren't probably aren't build up to earthquake code; the news stations could run with this for days. They say fear drives the news and there is a lot of material to work with here.

The only people who might be more excited than the news people are the guys watching the New England Richter scale, because this is the most action they've ever seen. I imagine they have a lot of slow days. I would equate it to being a US border guard who gets assigned to Oklahoma: sure it's an easy gig and the pay is alright, but you have to get discouraged knowing you aren't ever seeing any action. I'm pretty sure the New England earthquake watch is the assignment all the kids who barely made it out of geology class get. But for one day they get to be rockstars and show up on the evening news. They'd better get while the getting is good, though. Because tomorrow the only way that scale is moving is if a large line of trucks rumble through the Ted Williams tunnel.

A Not-So-Shortcut

I know it's cliche to say that shortcuts rarely end up actually making the journey shorter, but the thing about cliches is that there is always some truth to them. On Sunday I had stopped to get some gas and as I was getting ready to pull away from the pump a pick-up truck was pulling in from the street. I assumed the pick-up was heading to a pump, but instead of stopping to get gas the driver followed me out the other exit. You see, this was one of those stations that is at an intersection and the pick-up driver was cutting through the station to avoid the light. This confused me for a few reasons: first off, has this ever worked? Do you really gain that much time by going through a parking lot, which instinctively makes you slow down because you never know where people are going to pop out from and there are a lot more cars? I know that technically you cover less distance, but I would assume when you factor in speed, staying on the road is the faster route.

Even though I don't think trying to cut the corner gets you where you want to go any faster, I can at least understand it when you are at a red light, you want to turn onto the next street but there is not room enough for you to get by and turn on red. In that situation, driving through a parking lot could save you some time. (I don't do that kind of thing but, let's be honest, I'm rarely in that much of a hurry to get anywhere.) That was the second reason this guy confused me: he wasn't even looking at a red light. The traffic in his direction had momentarily stopped, but the light had gone green and the cars were moving fast enough he probably never would have come to a complete stop. I'm very familiar with the idea of 'shark driving' (driving 10 miles out of the way to avoid traffic because you're rather be moving in a sideways direction versus sitting still in traffic), but that usually only happens when you are looking at miles and miles of delays, not 8 seconds at a red light.

At this point you may be thinking he was trying to get away from a slower car in front of him, because we all know that driving behind the same car for a prolonged period of time causes you to irrationally hate that car and its driver, but that wasn't the case, either. He would have been the only person at his light to make a turn. Anyway, since this guy ended up right behind me and I saw he was in such a hurry that saving 15 total feet of driving was this important, I expected him to be on my bumper immediately. That was the third confusing moment: after turning onto the street he wasn't driving very fast. In fact, by going (roughly) the speed limit, he was out of my mirror in a couple of minutes. Color me thoroughly confused. A minute ago you couldn't be bothered to pause for a momentary complete stop at a red light and now you're on a leisurely Sunday drive. At this point I was worried the truck might be having brake issues. But, when I came to the next light he pulled up behind me and stopped without a squeak, screech or squeal.

Now, I know trying to figure out what another driver may have been thinking in the moment is a wasted exercise: some people are just weird and therefore do weird things, whether they are behind the wheel of a car or not. So, I'm not going to even try to speculate about why this guy felt it was necessary to cut through this gas station parking lot even though it probably ended up taking longer than if he had just turned at the light. Instead, I'm just going to say this: unless a shortcut can save you several minutes or several miles, it's not a shortcut, it's just an alternate route. And if it involves cutting through a parking lot, it's neither.

Which One Were You?

As I mentioned earlier in the week in my post about trying to find a song worthy of being added to my musical library, there were an awful lot of one-hit-wonder bands in the mid-90s. And in listening to their songs again I'm not totally convinced they weren't actually made up of the same group of people, with a few minor adjustments thrown in. I mean, the bands certainly looked the same. They were comprised of 4 or 5 skinny white guys who were alright musicians, but you could tell it was more about their look than their sound. I don't know if they cared about appearances before signing their record contracts, but once they were property of the record companies they were sent to some ad agency who dressed them in dark clothes, took glamour shots of them looking wistfully into an empty field so that the lead singer would appear deep and then wrote press releases about the newest 'grunge' band on the label, even though none of these bands were very grunge. This was done much in the way musical acts like Sum 41 were allegedly punk bands, just cleaned up and 'safe' for mainstream consumption, which by definition made them not punk bands.

So during that time we had a steady stream of bands that were essentially indistinguishable from one another with names like Collective Soul, Better Than Ezra, Diswalla, The Verve, The Verve Pipe (see, even their names were similar) and Vertical Horizon. Each had a hit or two, released a video with a convoluted plot and the lead singer got to take Jennifer Love Hewitt to an awards show. But the bands all sounded so much alike that if you had put all the songs together you could have easily convinced people they were all from one group and it would have made for a hell of an album. Because of how similar they were no one group was able to distinguish itself from the herd, so they all faded away quickly. As it stands now you probably don't remember which band sang which song. Anyway, all this time spent on iTunes wandering down memory lane made me fondly remember my first college radio show, when I was convinced this music was going to stand the test of time. I distinctly remember playing this song several times, though until I looked it up on Youtube I could not remember the band's name. Typical.

Weekly Sporties

-Just a few days after basically admitting he planned to make Tiger Woods a pick for the upcoming President's Cup, team Captain Freddie Couples backed off that this week, saying Woods would have to play a couple of times before then to prove his game is really worthy of being on the team. Now, people are saying this is a big conspiracy by Couples, who is friends with Woods, because now Woods can change his normally rigid schedule and say it was in the name of patriotism and not because his game needs the reps. And if Tiger Woods actually changed his schedule, I could maybe believe that. Personally, I don't see him adding events between now and then, no matter what Couples said - Woods is too set in his ways and doesn't care about the President's Cup that much. And I think Couples knows that, which is why he said it publicly. Now he can avoid picking Woods for the team (who currently doesn't deserve to be picked based on the way he is playing) and has an excuse other than the fact that Woods is playing like crap, which in turn won't embarrass Tiger by publicly shining a light on just how far he has fallen. Basically, Tiger would rather be seen as a stubborn jerk than as a bad golfer. That's a conspiracy I can get behind.

-In an interview set to hit the shelves this weekend, Michael Vick says that Philadelphia was not his first choice coming out of prison; he felt Buffalo and Cincinnati gave him better chances to start and that while the NFL didn't tell him where to sign, they definitely guided him to the Eagles. Some people are wondering if the NFL should have such power. I say those people forgot how hated Michael Vick was when he first got out of prison. The last thing the NFL wanted was public enemy #1 to be starting Week 1 of the season and if that was a possibility they may have thought about not reinstating him. Considering how everything has worked out for Vick since then, perhaps more free agents should let the NFL tell them where to sign.

-On Thursday former Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor was allowed to enter the NFL's supplemental draft, held for those students whose situations changed after the deadline to enter the normal draft. The Commissioner's office said Pryor could enter the draft, but that when he signed with a team he would face the same 5-game suspension he would have faced had he returned to Ohio State. The NFL said they didn't want the supplemental draft to become a loophole for kids who broke NCAA rules. The player's union said they would appeal on Pryor's behalf because they don't think the NFL has that kind of power, while some players wondered if Commissioner Goodell would enforce this kind of penalty against head coaches who did the same thing (hello, Pete Carroll). Considering no one thinks Pryor is going to be any good, that he may not even be picked in the draft and probably won't play this year if he was, I'm wondering what the hell all the fuss is about.

-An Oklahoma carpenter is suing Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy, saying Gundy fired him just for showing up to do work at the Gundy home while wearing an Oklahoma Sooners shirt. (Oklahoma and Oklahoma State are rivals.) For some reason, I feel like this story is a plant by Gundy. First off, he's more famous for his "I'm a man!" rant (Google it) than he is for any victory at Oklahoma State, so he's clearly media-savvy. Secondly, what's a better way to endear yourself to a rabid fan base who may be calling for your head if you have another mediocre season than to leak a story about how you love your school so much you won't even let anyone wearing your rivals' colors into your home? They eat stuff like this up in the Big 12. I'll bet you a booster has already offered to pay his non-existent legal fees.

-Speaking of the Big 12 (which only has 10 teams), they were in danger of becoming the Big 9 last week when it was reported that Texas A&M was going to be invited to join the SEC. Now, the SEC decided against expanding at this time, but that's not what is funny. What's funny is that Texas A&M spent the three days they were expecting an invitation bashing the Big 12, the University of Texas and everyone else associated with the league, only to find themselves still members. It's a little like someone having a good job interview and prematurely quitting their job, going out in a blaze of glory by telling everyone what they really think of them... and then finding out they didn't get that job and will be back in the office on Monday. Awkward.

-Last weekend Cubs' pitcher Carlos Zambrano was ejected from a game against the Braves after repeatedly throwing inside to Braves' batters after he gave up a couple of homeruns. You see, Carlos treats every homerun as a personal insult and has a habit of misdirecting that anger. By that I mean he likes to bean the next guy who comes to the plate and then scream at his own teammates. After his ejection, Zambrano cleaned out his locker and told people he intended to retire, but he changed his mind the next day. However, by then the Cubs had tired of this act and suspended him for 30 days without pay and will probably release or trade him this offseason. You see, there comes a point where the drama just isn't worth it anymore. And when you factor in that the Cubs are below .500 and Carlos has only won more than 16 games once in his career, his act officially has worn out its welcome in Chicago. They stink with him and they will stink more without him, but at least it will be quieter in the dugout.

-A few days ago Twins DH Jim Thome hit his 600th career homerun. This would have been a major milestone a few years ago, but because of all the steroid drama of the past few years the number doesn't seem to mean as much as it used to and the chase was rather muted. Still, that hasn't stopped many in the media of saying how nice it is that we finally have a homerun milestone where the player is totally clean. (Cue heavy sigh.) Have you sports writers learned nothing? Just because you don't think Thome has taken any steroids, it doesn't mean he hasn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't celebrate the man or the accomplishment or that I believe Thome was taken steroids, because I don't. I'm just saying don't take it to a level where Thome is treated as a savior of the game. You tried that with Sosa and McGwire and look how that turned out. At the end of the day, you only know as much as the player wants you to know - you have no idea what Thome does when he goes home at night, so just stop it already.

Upgrading By Downgrading

As much as I pine for some of the parts of my childhood (cartoons were clearly better when I was growing up), I will admit that we have it pretty good today. I wish I could have grown up with some of the stuff my nieces have (specifically MP3 players). Yep, technology is always moving forward. Which is why it is always extra disappointing to discover that your new and improved toy is new, but not really improved. This is especially true when it comes to personal items. It can be very discouraging to discover that while your cell phone is new and shiny, it isn't particularly good at doing basic things like making calls. And because we are all so tied in to our computer these days, when an upgrade fails to improve its performance we take it especially hard.

Like everyone else, I'm constantly asked by one system or another to install some program upgrade, which will fix all the problems caused by the previous program upgrade. Because I assume these companies are not full of liars, I typically approve their request, which takes forever and then when it is finally over I can not tell if a single thing has changed. In fact, usually the only way I can tell that an upgrade has taken place is because I suddenly have to enter in a password that I haven't had to remember for months to start a program. But, as long as everything else is smooth sailing I'm willing to roll with it.

This has not been the case recently. A few months back I accepted the free upgrade to Internet Explorer 8. It promised to be the fastest Internet browser I have ever had and for a week that was true. But, the problem with technology companies today is that their programmers are working off mega-computers with 800 gigabytes of memory and therefore never worry about trivial things like 'disk space'. So, after a couple of weeks my computer stopped being so fast and was back to its pre-upgrade speed, which I could have lived with. The real issue started when the browser was taking up so much virtual memory it started slowing down everything else. I have a virus scan program on my computer which used to take 4 hours to do a total sweep and was now taking 20 while simultaneously making my computer a really nice paperweight.

Then the Internet browser itself started to become brutally slow, which basically defeated the purpose of the upgrade to begin with. I would double-click on the icon, then have enough time to go make myself a sandwich, take a shower, read most of "War and Peace" and by the time I returned my homepage was just about ready to appear on my screen. I had spent the last few months trying all sorts of tricks to make my computer faster: deleting old programs and repeated files, all in the name of just getting back to where I was. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to remove the upgrade which had started all the problems in the first place.

A day later things were a little faster, but still slower than before. At that point I cut my losses and switched browsers completely. I can not tell you how frustrated it makes me to have to go back to a previous version of something to improve performance. Frankly, everyone who worked on IE8 should be embarrassed. I don't care that the upgrade was free, it still carries your company's name. Could you imagine how bad it would be for Apple if iTunes operated so slowly that people once again thought CDs were the best way to listen to music? (I mean, I would have to explain to the kids today what they are, but after that...) I understand that sometimes in life you have to take a step back to take two steps forward, but when it comes to programming, taking a step back is just going to get you run over.

Eye Of The Hurricane

One of my favorite things that happens every time there is a college football scandal and which never fails to make me chuckle occurs when a coach or administrator of a program which was recently found to have committed major NCAA violations looks into the camera that ESPN just shoved in their face and says something along the following lines, "We're not really sure how this happened." Of course you know how it happened. You know damn well how it happened. It happened because some booster showed up with money that he or she was happy to give to the school and you didn't ask where the money came from, probably because you didn't want to hear the answer.

This exact scenario is currently taking place down at the University of Miami, who are no strangers to scandal. Back in the early 90s, "The U" had a reputation as a slightly shady program who were happy to bend the rules. Rather than run from it, the Hurricanes embraced it and carried themselves with a swagger that basically told the NCAA, "You think we're doing something wrong? Prove it." Well, eventually their antics were uncovered and sanctions handed down. But, things had been quiet down in South Beach ever since, so everyone assuming they had cleaned up their act. That was until Tuesday, when a report came out in which a booster admitted to giving money to roughly 75 players over a 10-year period while also providing them extra benefits like cars, bonuses for particularly vicious hits on rival players, time on a private yacht and parties full of escorts. (Clearly, I should have played ball at The U.)

The only reason this story is coming out now is because the booster, named Nevin Shapiro, is currently serving 20 years after being arrested for running a large Ponzi scheme and he feels like all these players he supported while they were in college have abandoned him. Apparently the only thing more dangerous than a scorned woman is a scorned booster. (Guess he never learned the lesson that money doesn't buy you friends or loyalty.) Since the story broke all the administrators at Miami have been desperately attempting to distance themselves from this guy while trying to downplay his involvement with University, despite there being video evidence showing him presenting the University President with a check for $50,000 (she should start updating her resume) and the rather damning fact that he had given the program so much money that they named the players lounge after him.

Obviously, the previous coaches (who had already all been fired) and administrators are in trouble. The big thing I take exception with are the people who claim that the players take no blame in this. I saw multiple analysts on TV yesterday say that they are just kids who come from tough backgrounds and can't be blamed for wanting to take care of their families. That would be a lot easier to stomach if it were true. But, much like the players at Ohio State who traded their memorabilia for free tattoos, these players weren't asking for money to send home to mom. They were looking for free cars. Can't exactly claim your family is starving when you're driving around a new luxury SUV every semester. Also, they can hardly claim ignorance of the rules. I know that there are a lot of hazy NCAA standards of what does and does not constitute an extra benefit, but this isn't like catching a ride across campus from the SID. Even the most naive kid should be able to assume that being given the keys to a private yacht full of prostitutes is not allowed.

Miami is going to get hit hard on this and, frankly, they should. They are repeat offenders. They are not, however, going to get hit with the program-cancelling "Death Penalty" like people were speculating. The NCAA pretty much admitted they never plan to use that again after seeing how it forever wounded the SMU program. (At least not on a team or a school as high-profile as the Hurricane athletic program is. They'll cancel the season of some random a D-3 tennis team in the blink of an eye.) Miami will get nothing more than the loss of some scholarships and being banned from the postseason for a couple of years. You'll note no one will be calling for tougher penalties because the last thing any University with a major college athletic program wants to do is appear high and mighty, because that is when people turn the spotlight on them and since I assume every program is dirty to some degree it is better to remain in the shadows.

The only people I feel slightly bad for are the new basketball and football coaches at Miami. They both had good jobs which they left thinking they were inheriting programs they could build and now are going to be so buried under NCAA sanctions that by the times the programs are finally ready to compete again they will most likely be long-since fired. But, given Miami's history I guess they should have had an idea this was a possibility. The phrase heard several times over the last couple of days is that Miami is, "A sunny place for shady people." Something tells me it is going to be a long-time before the sun shines on the Hurricanes again.

The Fight Is On

If I could pick my perfect summer weather, it would be what we have had the last couple of days: mid-80s, low humidity and sunny skies. I like that it is warm, but not so hot you have to hide inside with the air-conditioning blasting. If you keep a few windows open and turn on a fan to keep the air moving, you should be fine. However, there is a drawback to this nice stretch of weather we have been having and that would be all the bugs which can find their way in those open windows.

First off, since all my windows have screens in them, I'm not totally sure how all these bugs are getting in. Still, every time I look up it appears another spider is moving across my ceiling or spending all night spinning a web for me to walk into first thing in the morning. It is really annoying. Also, I don't know what happened in the last month, but it appears all the insects in my neighborhood have gone on steroids. Everyday I'll spy a different moth trying to discreetly hide out in a corner. (Perhaps their plan to stay out of sight would be a little bit more successful if they weren't the size of a small plane.)

The thing is, I don't want to have to spent my days killing all these damn bugs. I would be perfectly content to let them be, because I assume most have a life expectancy of a week and since I'm not going anywhere I'm happy to let nature take its course and declare myself the long-term winner. But, on the other hand, I'm certainly not about to allow trespassing. Also, I refuse to be one of those people who tries to capture spiders and release them back into the wild, because if they got in once they can get in again and I'm going to assume next time they will bring friends after talking up the nice house occupied by the pansy who won't kill you.

This afternoon I spotted one of these huge moths trying it's damnedest to blend in with my brown couch. Unfortunately for him, the colors weren't even close. So, I went to get a tissue to crush the guy into his next life, where hopefully he will be reincarnated as something less annoying. [Sidebar: I swear, 98% of the time I use a tissue it is to crush a bug.] He was still where I left him, so I pressed down for what I felt was an appropriate time and then lifted my hand, at which point the moth came flying out. The flaw in my plan was trying to crush him on a couch cushion, which in this case is over-stuffed and very fluffy. I can only assume I pissed him off, because now the moth counter-attacked by going for my eyes. Apparently, he wanted to play dirty.

For the next few minutes I chased this thing around the room, attempting to crush it whenever it landed, only to end up getting it's backside every time. With each swipe of the tissue, I would get a little more and think I had killed it, only to watch it fly away as soon as I lifted my hand enough for it to escape. I had my door open and if it has flown outside I would have bid it a good remaining life, but it just wouldn't leave. Only when it made a move for my Celtics jerseys did I truly know enough was enough. I'll put up with a lot, but moths chewing on my personalised Celtics #54 jerseys is not on that list. I finally cornered my winged combatant and put the little bastard out of its misery.

So, let this serve as a message to any other insects who are around (and have Internet access and can read and somehow stumble upon my blog after Googling any one of the strange combination of words which brings strangers here every day): just stay outside. I've got lots of room for you to chill out in and I'm willing to let you have the yard. But if you come inside I can't be held responsible. I've got the law on my side and more than enough tissues to take you all out. You've been warned.

Can't Put A Price On It

I have always maintained that when it comes to gift-giving, I prefer gift cards to cash. I just feel that when you give someone a gift card to a specific store, it at least shows some level of effort. You took the time to consider the person's interests and thought about what store they would get the most options from. Cash, while it can be used anywhere, feels like you forgot about them until the last minute and then passed an ATM on the way to the cheapest card store you can think of. On top of that I feel like people just use cash to pay bills or something along those lines, which isn't exactly a fun birthday gift. But recently I was reminded that there are drawbacks that come with gift cards, specifically the ones for use in Internet-only stores: it can be hard to spend $1 online.

I've gotten several iTunes gift cards over the years and haven't had to worry about my balance for quite some time. (Thanks, everybody!) But, after the most recent song I purchased, I looked up and noticed I had exactly $1 remaining. At first I though this math was going to work out perfectly, because iTunes songs are usually a buck. But, here's the thing no one seemed to mention when it was happening and now everyone accepts as normal - at some point, the price new music went up. While it used to be 99 cents, it is now a $1.29 for the latest music. Still not exactly breaking the bank but when you don't feel like splitting the cost of an MP3 between a gift card and a savings account, it can be kind of annoying trying to make the transaction work. I know that it's not a big deal to just toss the remaining 29 cents onto a debit card, but at this point it is the principle of the thing.

Besides, at first I didn't care because there isn't much new music I like that much. I figured I would go back and find some mid-90s rock act who I enjoyed at the time but either not enough to buy the entire album or that I did buy their album but would rather just re-purchase the one music file versus crashing my computer trying to upload the CD. You see, my CD drive can be kind of prissy. I can upload music, but only one CD at a time and even then I must reboot my computer and relaunch iTunes before I can get the album artwork to download. It's a process and the time saved by simply purchasing the one track through iTunes is well worth the money. When you put it in that kind of context, only having $1 left is kind of handy.

But, this is where iTunes is making this harder than it has to be. In an effort to make people buy less-popular songs, they have discounted many of the one-hit bands from the 90s only popular song to 69 cents. (I don't know what the big deal is, it is not like they have a physical inventory to worry about. It's not as though they will be forced to keep all the songs by Dishwalla in some warehouse if no one buys them.) I know that sounds like they are doing me a favor by selling it to me cheaper, but if you think having $1 left on a gift card is annoying, try having 31 cents.

Adding to the weirdness is the fact that Apple has kept the rest of the album, composed of songs which I doubt the lead singer remembers all the lyrics for, at $1. Shouldn't those be the songs which are at a severe discount? Yes, you could argue that people are more likely to buy some one-hit wonder's song if it's 69 cents versus $1, but they are also more likely to give some song they've never heard before a shot at that same price. Plus, Apple is maddeningly inconsistent when it comes to which bands get the discount. Some bands' one-hit song is 69 cents, other times it's $1.29. Are you honestly trying to tell me that Seven Mary Three's only hit is worth more than Eve 6's? Blasphemy.

This means I have spent the last couple of days hunting through the iTunes store, trying to find a song that only costs $1, but also make a fine addition to my music library. As such I haven't made a decision yet. The good thing about online gift cards is that they don't expire. Still, I'd better hurry up and make a decision before the price of MP3s goes up again. I think the only thing more annoying than having a mostly-used gift card to a store with a limited selection is having a mostly-used gift card to a store where you can no longer afford anything.

A Tale Of Two Previews

I'm a firm believer that the previews on a DVD are a good indicator towards the quality level of the movie you are about to see. If you think about it, the theory makes a lot of sense: if you're watching a mindless action flick, then you probably aren't interested in last year's Oscar winner, so let's look at previews for even more mindless action movies. And if those previews are for big-budget movies, then you can assume you are about to watch one of those. If they are for straight-to-DVD low-budget films it may be time to bail. It is only when you have already seen all the movies in the previews and you know they all stink that you truly begin to realise you may be in trouble. However, Saturday night I settled in to watch the classic cinematic adventure, "The A-Team", when something which I've never seen before happened: the final preview on the DVD was for the movie I was about to watch.

At first I thought it was just a few sequences from the movie put together to show before the main menu kicked in, because that is kind of common with DVDs these days. However, after a minute I realised that not only was it not the start of the menu, but it wasn't just a quick preview, either - it was the full, theatrical trailer. You know, one of those long trailers which is more like a highlight sequence for the entire movie. It didn't make any sense to me because it seems to be the equivalent of putting the Cliff's Notes in the first few pages of a new book. Why are you showing me the thing I'm about to watch? Stop trying to sell your movie to me - you've won, I rented it. It feels like over-kill. No one comes to your home to tell you how great IKEA furniture is after you've already put it together, because that is both unnecessary and weird. The same rules apply here.

[Sidebar: Since we're here, I feel I should give a quick movie review. I actually liked "The A-Team." I mean, you get exactly what you expect, so if you know that going in you can shut your mind off and enjoy the experience. Other than the character names it didn't have much to do with the TV show because it was more like a prequel, but considering I don't hold the original show up as though it was a seminal TV moment that didn't bother me as much as it did other people. It was light on plot, big on explosions as well as one-liners and Jessica Biel is ridiculously hot. What's not to like?]

I mean, I can see that there are some positives to showing a preview immediately before airing the movie. After all, how many times have you seen movie trailer and thought, "Man, I can't wait until I can see that!" Well, in this case the wait was about 5 seconds. In this age of instant gratification, it was kind of rewarding. Plus, it definitely beats the alternative. When I went to see "Captain America" last week one of the previews was for the newest Spiderman re-boot. They showed several clips from the movie, then ended with a graphic informing us that the movie was coming out in July of 2012. Are you kidding me? Was the preview comprised of the only scenes they have finished so far? Why are you showing me a movie that isn't coming out for over a year? Just to put that into context, I could impregnate a girl tomorrow and then still have enough time to bring that kid to the movie's opening night. (Don't worry, mom and dad, I won't. I'll be the guy who the guy that does that sits behind.)

In the end, I'm just looking for a little more balance. Since I never plan my life that far out ahead, I don't need to know about your movie until a couple of weeks before it is in theatres. And by the time it is available to be rented, I will have gathered enough information to make an informed decision, so I don't need to see a preview right before I watch it. But, here's the most important lesson I learned - don't ever include a trailer for "Wall Street 2" on your DVD, because that was almost enough to make me give up on the movie before it even started.

Another Bathroom Song

The other day I mentioned the phenomenon of "bathroom" songs, or songs that a radio station DJ might play if they had to go to the bathroom and needed a long enough song to be sure it wouldn't end while they were still down the hall, suddenly meaning the station was only broadcasting dead air. "American Pie" is a good one and "Stairway to Heaven" is probably the most famous. But, Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" might be the best of them all. If this song comes on you can rest assured that there is no one running the board for over half of it. Honestly, you could go to the bathroom, feed the meter and grab a sandwich with time to spare. Plus, who doesn't love a song which prominently features a lengthy drum solo? I want you to know, you're lucky I'm using the studio album, I know of a live version that stretches to almost 20 minutes.

Weekly Sporties

-On Thursday, Rory McIlroy was playing in the first round of the PGA Championship when his ball came to rest just in front of a tree root. Against better judgement, he tried to fire through the root, hurting his wrist in the process. Almost immediately, a "Rory McIlroy's wrist" Twitter account was started. Now, I've come to really like Twitter since signing up two years ago and some of the mock accounts are quite funny, but can we be done with the ones based on athelete body parts? There are only so many jokes you can make about subjects like this before the joke goes stale. If you can't be clever for more than 72 hours then you shouldn't start a fake feed like that.

-The other day, two members of Earnhardt-Ganassi Racing (one of the better NASCAR teams around) were arrested for drug trafficking after police found them growing large quantities of marijuana. One of the guys was a tire-changer and the other built engines. First of all, I would have thought these guys made enough money that they wouldn't have to do this kind of thing. But, secondly, I would love to know how they got caught. I mean, c'mon. If anyone should be able to build a car that could evade police, you would think it would be these guys.

-In the middle of the week there was a 16-inning baseball game which was decided when the batter at the plate was hit by a pitch with the bases loaded. This gave way to a heated discussion about whether or not this was the worst way to lose a baseball game. I say no. When you lose on a HPB, it means one pitch went the wrong way. Maybe the ball just slipped - it can happen to the best of us. Plus the guy has to suffer a little pain if he is willing to stand in the way and win like that. I find the bases-loaded walk to be far worse. That means you missed four times, it happened much slower (like water torture) and the batter got to stroll home without a care in the world. If I'm going to lose, let's just get it over with.

-I always have to laugh when I watch analysts try and use what happens in an NFL preseason game to draw conclusions about how the regular season is going to play out. It as if they forget that none of the veterans are going all-out because they don't want to get hurt and all the great plays made in the 4th quarter are done against guys who will be unemployed in a week. I look at it like this: having a good preseason doesn't mean you are going to be great, but if you stink in the preseason it's a good guess you're about to have a rough regular season. In other words, you can go ahead and make plans for Sundays in January, Jacksonville fans.

-Patriots wide receiver Chad OchoCinco is in the market for a roommate until he can find a place of his own and wants to room with a Patriots fan. Chad said he just needs his own room, Internet access and an X-Box. (Sorry, Chad, but I live in a strictly Playstation-only household.) Still, I've got to wonder just how funny Coach Belichick thinks this is. I guess as long as this little publicity stunt is over by the time the real games start everyone can laugh it off. The first time someone asks about it during an actual game week, the joke is going to be over quickly whether Chad wants to keep it going or not.

-Speaking of fan participation, during last week's arena football league Conference Championships a man reached out of the end-zone stands and grabbed a player from the visiting team, not allowing him to start to return the ball on a kickoff. (For those of you who don't watch arena football, which I'm imagining is most of you, it's like regular football but in a much more enclosed area. Picture a hockey-rink with no glass barriers and you've got the idea of an arena league football field.) Now, at a normal sporting event this guy would not only get thrown out, but he'd probably get arrested. In the arena league he was given high-fives from the home team. And they wonder why no one wants to take their league seriously.

-A few days ago, Real Madrid signed a 7 year-old to a contract. Now, he's not going to be on the pitch this weekend like some kind of Disney movie come to life - it's a futures contract. Basically, his expenses are covered and unless he makes the junior team by the time he's 16 he's not going to make any money. Sounds innocent enough, but then I thought about it like this: my oldest niece is 4 and a half. That's just 2 and a half years younger than this kid. He probably still thinks there are monsters in his closet. Does he even understand what the hell is going on? When you use that perspective the entire thing suddenly feels kind of "To Catch A Predator"-ish.

-On the complete other end of the spectrum is 84 year-old Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Joe was watching practice over the weekend when he was run over by a wide receiver and went down, suffering a hairline fractures to his pelvis. Now, Penn State is saying that this could have happened to anyone. Um, no, it couldn't. I'll grant you that collisions like this, when one guy is running full speed while looking for the ball and not where he is going, happen all the time during a football practice. However, most coach survive the collision without breaking a hip. I'm not saying that Joe has to retire, but what the hell is he even doing on the field? It's time for Joe Pa to start coaching from a booth permanently.

Scouting The Competition

This weekend is the tax-free holiday in Massachusetts. For those of you not from around here, it's an annual event with two days of no sales tax and many stores go the extra step of having a large sale on top of that. The holiday is basically designed to stimulate the local economy and stop people from driving up to New Hampshire (which has no sales tax) to buy the more expensive items. Saving the tax money on a $20 DVD may not be worth the hassle of dealing with the crush of people who seem to come out of the woodwork for this event every year, but when you start dealing with products which cost a few hundred dollars, it sudden seems worth it. Therefore, not surprisingly, this tax-free holiday has become known as the weekend in which everyone gets new TVs, appliances and furniture.

But, as you can imagine, when everyone shows up looking to buy big-ticket stuff at the same time, it can get a little hectic. Almost every year there is a news story about a fight at some Best Buy because they ran out of flat-screens. To try and avoid this, several smart stores have started their sales early, telling people they can come in a couple days ahead of time, do their shopping now and still save the sales tax. The thinking is that this way they will move just as much product and hopefully save their salespeople some sanity. Like I said, smart. But it's just not as much fun as stores that aren't as smart. You see, even in the stores which are sticking to only participating in the tax-free holiday on the scheduled days, consumers are still doing their pre-sale scouting. That means people are going around, checking out the inventory and deciding what they are going to buy - planning only to come in, pay their money and get out as quickly as they can. For a guy who enjoys people watching as much as I do, it can be a really interesting sight.

Now, I'm not currently in the market for any big items, so I'll be avoiding stores whenever possible this weekend. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy watching the people on their scouting trips. The other day I was out doing various errands and at one point stopped into a furniture store. Inside was a couple I would guess was in their late 50s, checking out leather couches, trying to decide which one they wanted. Right behind them was another woman around the same age, also shopping for a leather couch, who immediately sat in every single couch the couple tried as soon as they stood up. I don't know if she was oblivious to what she was doing or if she was sticking so close because she wanted to hear what the first couple thought of each one, but watching her follow the couple around the display floor you could see she was really starting to bother the wife.

Things came to a head when the couple finally settled on which couch they were going to buy. They stood there, planning out their strategy for the weekend and in no hurry to move to the next couch because this was the one they wanted. All the while this random woman stood a few feet away, patiently waiting for them to get up so she could try the couch. And as soon as they stood up and took a few steps, she swooped in and settled into the middle of the pillows. At this point the wife looked back at this woman sitting on what they had just decided was 'their' new couch and shot her a world-class death stare. Apparently, you're never too old to call dibs.

Look, I've been there. The second I decide to buy something, mentally it becomes my property and I don't like strangers touching my property. But that only happens when I'm actually in the process of buying that item. I know leaving an item in a store with the intention of buying it later comes with the risk that it won't be there when I return (after all, I'm a loyal Marshall's customer). While I do think a random person following you around a store and looking at everything you looked at has a certain stalkery quality to it, you can't get mad at people for sitting on a couch you don't own yet. You can't blame the store for trying to sell it to the person who has their cash in hand, I don't care how creepy she may be. If it bothers you that much then buy the thing today and bring it home now. If you do, just make sure to wipe it down first, because you don't know where else that couch has been.

So, Are We Broke Or Not?

The biggest news story of the week was the United States' credit rating getting downgraded by Standard & Poors from AAA to AA+. I can not tell you how much this upsets me. Not because of how easily it could all have been avoided if people in Washington would have just tried to actually work together instead of digging in their heels along party lines, but because at the end of the day I have no idea what it means.

I've never been an economics guy. I balance my checkbook and that's about it. Perhaps the reason I've stayed out of all the issues with the stock market is because I don't have any stocks. I'm just not wired that way. For example, this afternoon there was a story in my Google News feed from Forbes.com with the title, "How safe is your muni?" Immediately, I assumed it was a story about golf courses that might have to close. This is why I took "Math for English Majors" in college. Thankfully, while Jon Stewart can't explain the situation to me, he can at least make me laugh through the tears...

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Pick A Different Song

I've written before at how annoyed I get when good movies are ruined by basic cable. Because they obviously can't swear or show certain levels of violence, some films have to be so heavily edited and it ends up wrecking the experience. But at least those edits I can understand. The ones that annoy me even more are the edits for time. There is nothing more frustrating than waiting for a great scene you know is coming up in a couple minutes, only to sit there with a dumbfounded look on your face as you slowly realise someone cut it out for time. I've always felt that if you are going to be that rigid about making something fit into your tight schedule, why not pick a different movie? Worse than than, on more than one occasion I've found the clip which has been edited out is actually an important one. Seriously, if you find yourself having to cut out a scene that is integral to the plot, there are dozens of shorter films out there to choose from. But while driving around this afternoon I was reminded of edits done for the sake of time which annoy me even more than the ones to movies: song edits.

In the midst of running some errands, the song "American Pie" came onto the radio. If you've ever worked in radio, then you know this is what's known as a 'bathroom' song. Basically, these are any tune long enough that the DJ could comfortably take a bathroom break without risking the station hitting dead air. At over 8 minutes long, "American Pie" is one of the better 'bathroom' songs out there. And I know better than most just how long this song is. In college we were given the writing assignment to break down a song line-by-line. Seeing as how the paper had to be at least 5 pages, I picked Don McLean's classic because I wanted to make sure I had enough content to work with. As my paper stretched past page 25, I knew I had made a serious error in judgement. The point is, I'm well aware that the song is very long. Still, I found it very jarring when the station I was listening to played a version that skipped two full verses.

Editing a movie is one thing, but editing a song is another beast entirely. First off, what is your damn hurry? I worked in radio for years and to say the time constraints were 'loose' would be an understatement. As long as everything got played eventually the day was considered a success. Allow me to share with you every conversation I ever had as a board op with a producer when it came to sticking to the schedule:

"Updates should be done every 30 minutes."
"Well, that last segment went long, so the update was closer to 35 minutes."
"Yeah, whatever. As long as you did it."

Like I said, not exactly sitting there with a stopwatch as though this was some exact science. Secondly, even when you are editing something as lengthy as "American Pie", the missing sections become really noticeable. It isn't like a movie where cutting 6 minutes out of 2 hours barely registers. Cutting 2 minutes out of an 8 minute song would be the same as cutting each "Lord Of The Rings" movie down to an hour. People notice that kind of heavy-hand.

But, the main reason I hate songs edited for time is that the edits themselves usually suck. There is an Aerosmith song which also served as the theme for the film "Armageddon". For years radio station have been been playing the edit version of this song, which takes out one of Steven Tyler's longer versions of the refrain. And for years the sloppy and choppy nature of this edit has pissed me off. A good edit is one you don't even know is there and even if you've never heard the song before you can tell something was taken out. Adding to how much I hate this edit when it is on the radio is the fact that it doesn't even save that much time. It trims maybe 20 seconds from original track. When you weight how much the bad edit wrecks the song against that time, I'll never understand why every station goes with the edited cut.

Look, I know radio is a dying industry and that 20 seconds could be another ad you could sell to some local company. But what good is that ad space going to do you when no one is listening to your station because they hate that you're butchering the songs they love? So, radio stations, do us all a favor and leave our music alone. The majority of people would rather hear music as it was intended to be heard, not edited for time. Now, we can either get that from you or our iPods. It's your call.

The Sympathy Boomerang

Every time some Hollywood power couple gets divorced, the pop culture watchers are very quick to pick a winner and a loser of the break-up. One person (usually the person who did the dumping) takes on the villain role, while the other becomes the sympathetic figure everyone just wants to console. The world of sports is no different. Every time a coach/manager gets fired or a player gets traded, analysts are on TV painting one side as the bad guy. The only difference is that in Hollywood you can keep that sympathy going for years and parlay it into numerous starring roles even though you have repeatedly proven you can't carry your own movie (hello, Jennifer Aniston), while in sports people are only willing to pity you for so long. The second people think you are starting to pile on the person we already declared the wrong-doer the sports-watching public is only too happy to switch sides. And over the weekend we got a perfect example of this with Tiger Woods ex-caddy, Steve Williams.

When word first broke that Tiger was letting Williams go, everyone was on Steve's side. After all, he had been the one patiently waiting for two years while Tiger tried to get his mind and his game right. During all that time Williams wasn't making any money from caddying, just sitting on the sidelines like a loyal employee. Then he flies all the way from his home in New Zealand to Washington for the U.S. Open, only to find out after he arrived that Tiger wasn't planning to play. Would have been nice to have gotten that phone call earlier. Any reasonable person could understand his desire to find some work that week, if for no other reason than to cover his expenses, so when Williams asked Tiger if he could caddy for Adam Scott and received the all-clear even though Tiger reportedly wasn't happy about it, Woods was the one who came off as a prick. When Williams was officially fired a couple weeks later after 13 years, reportedly because Tiger (or his management team) were mad that Williams wanted to extend his temporary relationship with Scott, everyone rushed to say how poorly Williams, never before considered a warm and fuzzy guy, was being treated. The sports world declared him the winner. Then came this weekend in Akron.

With his new boss having a great final round to win convincingly while Tiger was playing to an inconsistent score of (+1), people were even more on Williams' side. Everyone thought this was karma at its finest. The crowds on the way up to the 18th green were chanting Steve's name. He was even asked to do a post-round interview, which never happens in the world of caddies. And it probably won't ever happen again, because this is where it went wrong. After declaring that this was the best week of his life, Williams added that this was the most satisfying of "his" 145 career victories. He then took the opportunity to mention that he saw flaws in Tiger's game and he was fired over the phone. And cue the sound of a record scratching.

You see, even though people might not like him, Tiger Woods is to golf what the Yankees are to baseball: everything is more interesting when they are playing well. It's been said numerous times, but only because it is true - when it comes to golf ratings Tiger does not move the needle, he is the needle. Focus group studies have shown casual golf fans would rather see Tiger warm up on the range than see anyone else hit a shot during competition. So, even though they may not want to admit it, almost everyone is rooting for Tiger to make a comeback and it wasn't going to take much for people to jump back to his side.

Therefore, it was hardly surprising when people started pointing out that Williams didn't actually do any swinging of any clubs and it felt like this post-round celebration and interview were taking the spotlight away from Adam Scott, who just had one of the biggest victories of his career. Plus, with the shots fired at Tiger it suddenly felt as though Williams was being a little ungrateful. After all, he'd made millions of dollars as Woods' caddy, gaining exposure and his own endorsement deals along the way, something most caddies could only dream of. Besides, caddies get fired all the time - it's part of the job. Hell, Luke Donald fired his caddy after 8 years and that guy also happened to be his brother. Did Williams think he was immune to this? Plus, the "best victory" comment sounded very petty. How could you possibly say that a WGC event was better than a major, let alone 13? Now, Williams was always kind of prickly to the fans, once famously taking a camera and throwing it into a lake, so just like it wasn't going to take much for people to jump back to Tiger's side, it was going to take even less for people to get off the Steve Williams bandwagon.

In the end, much like normal break-ups that don't happen with the world watching, there are no real winners. Everyone just kind of loses equally. Tiger appears to have handled the situation badly and still has swing problems to deal with, while Williams is coming across like a scorned lover who keeps complaining about just how badly they were treated even after we all stopped listening. I just hope that now the first tournament is over we can all just move forward and get back to golf. And I really hope we can do that without any one resorting to anything as awful as "The Bounty Hunter".

It's Hard To Be Oblivious

In the line of humans I want to punch in the face, standing right behind the people who say "Don't even try to talk to me until after I've had my morning coffee", are the people who miss a sporting event/TV show, plan to watch it later on DVR and then think it is shared responsibility of everyone in the world not to reveal the ending to them. "Don't ruin it for me!", complete strangers will yell at you as you begin to discuss it with a friend/co-worker. (First off, stop eavesdropping on conversations no one invited you into in the first place and you won't have this issue.) Now, I know life has a habit of getting in the way of an evening of entertainment, so if the person is a friend I'm willing to hold back discussing the outcome of some TV show or sporting event for a couple days and I won't reveal the ending to a movie until it has come out on video. However, my policy is if you wait any longer to watch it then it wasn't all that important to you to begin with and all bets are off. And if you're a complete stranger, I don't owe you that courtesy and I'm annoyed that you acted like I was supposed to know you hadn't watched the game to begin with.

So, of course, in one of life's little jokes, I found myself in a similar boat as these people on Saturday. After a good first round and a mediocre second round in his first tournament back from an injury, Tiger Woods was scheduled play in what suddenly became a very intriguing third round. Already scheduled to start early in the day, all the tee times were pushed up due to inclement weather, meaning by the time the TV window kicked in, Woods would be 95% done for the day. His entire round would be shown on tape delay. Since I was more interested in watching it than just reading his scores, I made a vow to stay off of Twitter and the Golf Channel until the TV coverage kicked in and I could watch the pre-recorded round unfold as if it was happening live. I just had to make it three hours.

I made it about one.

I spent the morning avoiding TV and the Internet, trying to read and not to turn my TV on. The problem is the book I'm reading really sucks. When I bought it I thought it was about golf, but it's really about the writer trying to use golf as a way to 'find himself', asking himself if he's really happy with life, visualizing negativity as a pinwheel in his chest that he needs to reverse and a bunch of other new-age crap which annoys me to no end. As such I can only read it in 5-10 page spurts before I get so annoyed with the author I toss the book away while muttering something about damn hippies and how awful this book is. (And before you ask, yes, I will keep torturing myself like this because I have to keep reading until I finish it. I've come this far, I just need to get it over with.)

About the 4th or 5th time I tossed the book away I thought I could chance a glance on ESPN, maybe catch some highlights from the previous night's baseball game. The network has started running a graphic on the side of the screen to tell you what's coming up next and I assumed that would give me enough of a head's up I could change the channel before I saw an update on Tiger's round. Besides, I didn't think it would be that big of a news story. Turns out that was a miscalculation. About 20 seconds after I turned the TV on a "Score Update" graphic appeared at the bottom of the screen. For some reason I still assumed it would be about something else, even though nothing else was going on. Instead it read, "Woods bogeys #10, (+2) for the day. (+3) for Tournament." So much for that plan. At that point the cat was out of the bag and trying to remain in the dark was a wasted exercise. I resumed my normal habits and knew the full details of Tiger's round before they ever showed a shot on TV.

This kind of thing makes me wonder how much longer TV is going to keep showing tape-delayed events. With today's technology, it's really hard to unplug once you've plugged yourself in. You just get into habits. I mean, there are so many places for people to get updates or find alternate feeds they can stream through the Internet; expecting people to remain in the dark until the regularly scheduled broadcast is probably unrealistic. I know that showing something earlier than planned would throw a wrench into the rest of the day's programming, but when you see the ratings for tape-delayed sporting events you have to ask if it would be worth it. Besides, if they moved their scheduled programming back a couple hours, maybe it would give more people a chance to watch it live and not on their DVRs (and after they've had their morning coffee). There's a scenario where we all win.

Trial And Error

I remember reading a study a few years ago which said that because the human body is always changing, it is entirely possible for a person who never had a problem with allergies before to suddenly develop them later in life. Well, I'm living proof of that. I never had an issue with allergies before I turned 30 and now the second spring rolls around it feels as though my sinuses are permanently clogged. The other problem is I really can't tell what I'm allergic to, so I'm not sure when that specific allergy season is over. To try and figure out when I can once again breath without the aid of medication, what I've been doing the past couple of weeks is to skip taking my allergy medicine for a couple days and seeing how I feel. Yeah, it's just as good an idea as it sounds.

Weekly Sporties

-Since we're inching closer to when the league was scheduled to get started, the NBA lockout is starting to feel real. With both sides saying the negotiations are so far apart that fans shouldn't expect an NBA season this year, it ain't looking good. Commissioner David Stern has taken the now-expected step of saying he won't take a salary as long as the league is in lockout-mode. First off, I find it really odd that no one knows how much Stern makes a year. Reports have it between $10-$20 million. The fact that no one knows for sure shows just how bad-ass David Stern really is. But, I do find it ironic that Stern will be working for free now, the time when he has to do the most work he has ever had to do as Commissioner. Not all publicity stunts are smart.

-Forgot to get to this one last week, but oh well: Boise State has long been famous for its blue football field. While no one had a problem with it when the blue turf was just a gimmick to hide the fact that the school wasn't very good at football, the Broncos have become a perennial Top-10 team and can beat people for real now, which suddenly makes it an issue. As such, when they switched conferences their new rivals passed a rule saying they couldn't wear their blue uniforms on their blue field, because it created an optical illusion. This feels very bush league to me. If these schools think this is a real issue then they should have dealt with it when they were beating Boise by 21 points every year. I don't hear anyone complaining about optical advantages enough to make schools with green uniforms, but 2-10 records start painting their fields a different color.

-Speaking of college football, Notre Dame is going into the year ranked #18. While it's not a great ranking, it's higher than expected. So, Coach Kelly, you'd better not end the year ranked any lower or else the rumbling will start. You could have flown under the radar to start this season, but you had to beat USC and win a bowl game. Welcome to the world of unreasonable expectations.

-So, earlier this week reports began to come out that Alex Rodriguez may have been involved in high-stakes poker games which featured cocaine, Hollywood stars and some guy getting beaten up when he couldn't pay his debt. (Of course, Alex was playing in the World Series when this alleged poker game took place, but let's not let a little thing like 'facts' get in the way of a good story.) Now, major league baseball always freaks whenever gambling and baseball are linked up, because their worst fear is organized crime getting their hooks into a star player and forcing him to throw games. (Yeah, cause that can happen when guys get $15 million a year. Let's worry about gambling and ignore steroids. Priorities, people!) But, this story did give me the greatest quote of the year. A source close to Commissioner Bud Selig reported he is fed up with A-Rod because, "It seems like every week there is new drama surrounding Alex Rodriguez." I'm not sure if there has been a more perfect sentence to sum up a professional athlete in the history of ever.

-Speaking of athletes who can't escape drama, earlier this week LeBron James took to Twitter to defend Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, who's game has been critiqued rather harshly this off season. LeBron said he doesn't like it when people on ESPN act like they were all-world when they played and wondered why analysts spend so much time ripping guys instead of talking about the things they do well. You know, they always say what a person writes reveals more about them than about their subjects. Um, LeBron, sounds like someone is using Tim Tebow's problems to do a little venting. Is there anything you want to share with us?

-The big story out of Dallas this week was that Cowboys coach Jason Garrett wasn't allowing any of the Cowboys' rookies to have decals on their helmets because they all had to. "Earn their stars." First off, this kind of thing would only work in Dallas. I can't see Norv Turner making new Chargers earn their lightning bolts. But, everyone was talking about this was a great motivational tool. Yes, it was... when Bill Parcells did it a decade ago. Garrett totally ripped this idea off. I can't believe no one brought that up all week.

-We'll end this week's sporties with a few words about Randy Moss, who announced his retirement a couple days ago. I'll start by saying I don't totally believe he's retired. I think if a good team calls him once training camp is over and offers him enough money, he'll show up. He just doesn't want to play for a team that is looking at a 6-10 record. But, if that doesn't happen and he stays retired, Randy Moss will still be a first-ballot Hall of Famer and top-10 all-time receiver. That being said, I'll always view his career as a bit of a disappointment. Even his staunchest supporters will acknowledge he took plays off if the ball wasn't coming his way or if he was on a team that was having a bad year. Had he gone all-out on every play, he could have been the best ever. Top-10 is nice, but Randy's career will always be plagued by this nagging feeling it could have been even better.

Best Of The Bunch

While I love movies, I'm not usually a patron of movie theatres. I prefer to start the movie when I'm ready, make my own snacks, pause the production should nature call and spread out on a comfy couch. But, should a really good movie or some production that seems very special-effects driven come out I will make an exception because even though TVs have come a long way, there really is no replacement for the full movie theatre experience. The again, there are downsides of the full movie theatre experience, which was what I got this afternoon.

We headed out to see "Captain America". I know, not exactly high cinema, but I wanted to see it, and it's been out for a couple of weeks, so I thought the theatre would be mostly empty. At first, I was right. When we initially showed up there was only one other person in the seats and by the time the lights dimmed for the previews there were only seven people in the entire place and nicely spread out, so I figured we were good. I was wrong. Not only did more people come in after the lights were out, but directly behind me sat a man with his two young, loud-popcorn-chewing, louder-talking, kicking-the-back-of-my-seat kids and then a couple who brought in the crunchiest nachos ever and who looked at my 98% empty row and decided that one seat away from me was the best seat in the house. Suddenly, I remembered why I usually stand to wait for stuff to come out on video.

Still, it is so rare that I can give you a review of a movie that is actually still in theatres, I figure I'd better get while the getting is good. While my group was split on whether or not this was a good movie, I liked "Captain America". First off, I'm kind of a sucker for WWII movies, which is just what this is. Despite the lasers and improved special effects, it still felt like a throwback of a film. The ending left me with a few questions that do not seem to hold up to the "common sense" test (that would be anything that immediately makes you go, "Wait, why would you do that? Wouldn't you do X instead?"), but I understand every movie makes a few of those. (Still, you just really shouldn't end a movie with one, as it taints the rest of the film.) Also, as a side note, do not wait through the credits for the extra scene, as the minute clip is not interesting enough to off-set sitting through 5 minutes of names scrolling on a screen.

Keep in mind, I wasn't holding this film up to normal scrutiny. Obviously, it isn't going to stand against some dramatic role where the lead actor is openly trolling for an Oscar nomination. At this point, I think so many superhero movies have come out that they make for their own category. And if you are judging it strictly by a jury of its peers, then "Captain America" stands up very well. It's certainly the best superhero film I have seen in the last few years. Now, at this point it has been in theatres for a few weeks and if you haven't gone out and seen it by now then that is because you don't want to. But, if you like superhero movies then add it to your rental list in a couple of months. I'm sure it won't be the worst movie you have ever had sent to your home.

...Or You Could Just Show Me

My favorite part of any DVD is the extra features. I like watching outtakes and extended scenes, as well as the quick documentaries about how a very difficult sequence was ultimately put together. If it's a sports movie and the DVD has a documentary about the real story behind the movie I just watched, that is even better. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. The point is, I expect every DVD to offer me some type of additional features. In fact, if I put the DVD into the player and it only gives me the options to choose the scene, change the language or play the movie, I actually find myself getting very annoyed. How dare this production company not supply me with entertainment beyond the multi-million dollar film I'm about to watch for the next two hours?

The thing is, my need to watch additional footage pretty much begins and ends with movies, but it seems no one told the people who produce TV shows. Increasingly, it seems that when I am watching a show these days, at some point a graphic will appear along the bottom of the screen which reads, "For more behind-the-scenes footage and other exclusive content we couldn't show you, head to the show's website." I find this to be very annoying, because on more than one occasion my curiosity has gotten the better of me and I have gone to the website, where it turns out the vast majority of the time the "exclusive footage" is stuff they very well could have showed us, they just didn't. There is nothing exciting, interesting or provocative about it, it simply didn't fit in the time allotted.

I think the reason I get more annoyed when a website's extra footage is not worth my time versus when a DVD's is because the extra effort that has to be put in to watch the TV show's stuff. Often you've got to fire up your computer and if your computer is anything like mine has been lately, that can take a while. After a few minutes of waiting, going online to watch this footage begins to feel like homework. When I watch a DVD's features it take an extra 20 seconds; going to online to see this content takes considerably more time. If I'm going to put in the effort to sit through buffering and a couple of quick commercials (because there are always commercials on websites these days. Hell, half the time the 'exclusive content' is nothing more than a glorified commercial), then you had better give me something better than 10 seconds of footage where it is painfully obvious as to why it was on the cutting room floor.

Now, I know why shows do this kind of thing: it's another way to see just how many people are loyal and dedicated fans of a show. Those page views translate into figures the marketing people use to a better idea of just how much they can charge the advertisers, both for the show and space on the website. I get all that and I'm more than willing to be an unofficial participant in your little survey. I just feel like these shows aren't holding up their end of the bargain. If I'm going to help you make more money, the least you could give me is something interesting for my time. And, just in case you're wondering, watching people stand around and talk about how much they love the car they get to drive on the show doesn't count as interesting. If that was on a DVD I would have already returned to the Main Menu.