Warnings For Life

As I mentioned on Friday, I recently picked up a new bed. Because it has become impossible to throw things away these days, I had to wait to dispose of my old mattress until Saturday, which is the only day the place which takes mattresses is open. (I seriously believe more people would recycle if towns didn't make it such a process.) So, I didn't bother to make the mattress switch until the weekend because while mattresses are not heavy, they are annoyingly bulky and I only wanted to deal with moving them around once. After finally getting rid of the old mattress I was cutting open the plastic bag which contained the new one when a piece of paper came fluttering out. Picking it up to read it I discovered it was a warning label, letting me know my new mattress was not fire-proof. Honestly, I would have been more shocked to discover it was. But that was just one of the many things this label wanted to warn me about. There were actually 8 hazards to owning this mattress the company wanted me to be aware of, which I believe is more than you get if you buy a gun. The problem is I just don't think they are all as relevant as the Sleep Products Safety Council does. Let's go through them.

1. Don't smoke in bed. This is a common cause of fatal bedroom fires. First off, I don't think those qualifiers needs to be in there, as I think cigarettes are the most common cause of fires, regardless of the room they start in. Also, 'fatal' is unnecessary because it implies non-fatal fires are somehow not as bad. Secondly, this feels more like a warning about cigarettes than mattresses. How about sticking it on those packages and in bigger letters than the current tiny type of the Surgeon General's warning? I would also like it noted that just next to this the manufacturer notes that new mattresses burn slower than old ones to give you more time to escape. Or, if you don't move fast enough, to slowly roast like barbecue.

2. Keep matches and lighters away from children. Playing with fires can be deadly. Shouldn't this have been your policy before you got a new mattress? If you didn't know this until BJ's had a sale you have bigger problems than any warning label can help solve.

3. Using candles in a bedroom is strongly discouraged. Even a small candle can ignite a deadly fire. This is a problem because, as a guy, scented candles have come in handy through the years. I figured I should still be ok to mostly ignore this one because it's not like I put them on my bed. Not to mention, if I can't keep candles in my bedroom how am I supposed to check if the ghost of Jacob Marley is in my house?

4. Keep space heaters away from beds and other flammable items. Follow all the space heater manufacturer's instructions and warnings. This one made me start to think they just copied and pasted most of these warning from other companies' warning labels because it really seems like an item which should come with a new space heater more than a new mattress. Given the randomness of this warning label I'm fairly convinced the editor was like, "Yeah, for spacing purposes we need 8 items. Also, it's 4:45 and I need it done by 5. Just put anything about fire in there, but don't make it obvious by putting it last."

5. Don't run electrical cords under your bed or trap them against a wall. Heat from cords can build up and cause a fire. Avoid placing lamps where they can fall on the bed. How old are the electrical cords in this person's house that they get hot? I have never even heard of such a thing. I think that is an old wives' tale, like a cellphone causing an explosion when someone was pumping gas. I'm also curious as to what kind of crazy configuration they have which has lamps leaning precariously over their beds. Sounds like the house is not level and if that is case you should be spending your money to fix the foundation and not on a new mattress.

6. Don't sleep with a baby or let a baby sleep in an adult bed. Babies can suffocate or be strangled if trapped between a mattress and a wall or bed frame, or if an adult rolls over them. Well, this suddenly got morbid, didn't it? Seriously, as if new parents don't have enough to worry about, now we can't even let them enjoy a new bed without reminding them of how fragile their kid is? Why not just keep going then: "Also, don't leave your baby unattended by a pool or feed them peanut butter before they turn two or let them watch too much TV or dress them funny or let them hang out with the weird kid in school or spoil them. But, seriously parents - sleep well... with one eye open."

7. Discard the plastic wrapping on your mattress. A child or pet can become entangled and suffocate. Not that I want to point fingers, but this is a self-created problem which could be easily solved by not hermetically sealing my mattress in a thick plastic bag. I'm sure the manufacturers do that to prevent the mattresses from being stained before they reach their destinations, but it makes it seem more like they are trying to keep in the freshness.

8. Promptly dispose of old mattresses to avoid a fire hazard. Finally one we agree on. Hey, I would love to, but they need to take it up with my town.

Now, I don't want you to think that I am making fun of these warnings or the intentions of the organization behind it, because I'm not. I think they are things everyone should be aware of, but that is my point - this is stuff you should already be doing, regardless of whether or not you just bought a new mattress. That makes the warnings feel redundant. Also, it just serves to reinforce the image that all humans are idiots who need constant supervision. And sure, there are people out there who could use it but they probably aren't the kind of people who are going to read warning labels anyway. Give the rest of us more credit than that.