A Recipe For Success

This morning Hostess, the company which makes Wonder Bread, Twinkies, Ding Dongs and various other treats, announced that due to an ongoing nation-wide strike of the bakers' union, they would have to declare bankruptcy and shut down operations. Considering the company reported over $2 billion in earnings last year this news came as a bit of a shock. Obviously, this is a terrible development for the nearly 20,000 workers who are going to lose their jobs. Needless to say the internet, as it has a tendency to do, freaked the hell out. However, no one seemed to be voicing any concern about the workers because they were too focused on the possibility of going forward in a world which doesn't have any more Twinkies (I hear they have a factory in Natick...). For years people have been joking the only things to survive a nuclear blast were going to be Twinkies and cockroaches and now it looks as though Twinkies are going to be brought down way before that by a business decision. Before too long people started Tweeting pictures of empty shelves as people started hoarding the Twinkies which were already in stores. Even as a sweets lover, I found their behavior a bit extreme.

The only good news for Twinkie lovers is that all hope is not lost. The product has such name recognition that Hostess plans to sell of the rights and recipe to the foodstuff in hopes of getting some money to pay off their debts. Personally, I expect the bidding on that recipe to get fast and furious. Sure, there are Twinkie substitutes on the market, but I think we all know they aren't as good as the original. They are usually pretty good about getting it half-right, but something always tastes like it is missing. As anyone who has tried to bake from an old family recipe can tell you, close just isn't good enough. Few things in life are quite as disappointing as soiling an old memory of "how grandma used to make it" by your attempt coming out with a funky taste. People don't like it when the flavors of their foods change, especially when it comes to specific brand name items, which is why those substitutes never pose a real threat to the originals. The only thing that keeps those companies going is that the majority of consumers simply don't have the equipment to make their own versions. Whichever company could step in and fill the void would be looking at some huge profits.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about what other recipes would fetch quite a pretty penny if they were ever up for auction. Here are just a few of the ones I came up with. (Also, please note the theme that all these things are wildly unhealthy. I assume this means people don't feel it is as bad to eat this way as long as someone else makes it for them.)

Budweiser: Yes, there are plenty of home-brew kits available where people can come up with their own concoction. And, sure, beer snobs thumb their nose at Budweiser, claiming it doesn't have enough flavor, aroma, texture, that it isn't sophisticated enough or some other phrase which makes it sounds more like a quilt than a beer. Well, those snobs should also look at a few sales numbers every once in a while - Bud Lite is the highest-selling beer in America and it isn't even close. You can brew in all the flavor you want, but I'd rather have the best-selling beer than the one everyone speaks very highly of before they order something else.

Coca-Cola: There are all kinds of products for sale which claim to allow you to make soda in your own home and it will taste the same as the stuff you can buy in the store. I've tried a couple of home-made sodas in my life and not only do they not taste right, they taste flat. I don't know what the magical chemical Coca-Cola puts in their product (and I'm positive is is a chemical), but no one else has mastered it yet. Hell, even they screwed up the formula once and tried to pass it off as New Coke, to disastrous results. That recipe is probably guarded as well as some countries' nuclear codes. Anyone who could consistently pump out the taste America is familiar could sit back and watch the money just roll in.

Doritos: It shouldn't be this hard to figure out a cheese-covered nacho chip, but as anyone who has tried a bag of the generic "Nacho Chip" will attest, it is clearly harder than they think it is going to be. They either don't have enough flavoring or too much. So far, I have never tasted anything which comes close to the originals. It's like trying to play with a bag of Legos and discovering Duplo Blocks are mixed in. Also, the bidding will double if the Cool Ranch flavor ever goes up for auction.

Oreos: If you ever need to know why this recipe would be so profitable, just go check out the Hydrox Wikipedia page.

McDonald's Fries: I'm not sure if it is the potatoes they use, the salt or the fact that they probably never change the oil in the fryer, but there is a reason these have been America's best-selling French Fries for so long. No matter how much Burger King changes their recipe they can't surpass McDonald's popularity, despite the fact their burgers are much better. If BK could ever get a hold of the fries recipe it could tilt the balance of power in the fast food wars. If they ever get their hands on the Shamrock Shake formula, they would be unstoppable.