Coin Collector

Recently the Treasury Department announced that the President will not order the US Mint to create a $1 trillion platinum coin. For those of you who may not have heard about this story, it had been suggested (by people with actual titles) that the President order this coin made and then deposit it into the Federal Reserve to use it to pay down some of the government's debt by basically creating a trillion dollars out of thin air. Technically it is possible for the President to do this, probably because it is such an absurd scenario that no lawmaker ever saw it coming and therefore didn't feel the need to create legislation preventing it. I have to admit that at one time I wondered how the United State could ever be in debt when they were in charge of printing money, because I always assumed they could simply make as much money as they needed to pay their bills. Then again, I was 7 when I had these questions. The fact this suggestion had to be taken even slightly seriously both amuses and saddens me, as well as confirms my suspicion that getting elected to Congress isn't very hard. Still, I'm glad the President will not be following this suggestion - not because I think it would be a bad idea for the economy, but because I hate coin money.

Before we go any further, allow me to explain why this is fresh on my mind: The other night I needed to hop on the Green Line and thought I would throw the $5 required for my trip in and out of the city onto a Charlie Card. Unfortunately, all I had on me at the time was a $20 bill. But, since I was at one of the enclosed automated kiosks, I thought I would be able to give them my $20 and get back paper money in return like every other automatic checkout machine I had ever dealt with. If Shaw's can do it, why not the MBTA? I was hoping for a $10 and a $5, expected three $5 bills and thought the worse case scenario would be fifteen $1. However, after completing my transaction, I heard a loud, repeated clanging coming from the bottom of the machine, like I was being paid out from the angriest slot machine ever. At first the horrible thought that I was about to get fifteen dollars worth of quarters flashed through my head, but soon found out that instead I had gotten fifteen dollars worth of the Sacajawea $1 coins in return. Immediately, I started to hurl profanities at this stupid machine at a loud volume. Thankfully a train had just left and so I was the only one of the platform, so I only looked like a crazy person to the amused spectators standing on the other side of the tracks waiting for the outbound train. Since there was no one around to complain to I was left to sulk off into the night, carrying these stupid coins with me.

Now, when I say I hate coins I'm not talking spare change because having exact change for a purchase is actually one of my favorite things. I mean I don't like coins with a value of $1 or more. First off, they are bulky and I prefer to carry my money in a wallet, not a velvet sack that I hang from my belt so I can disdainfully throw it to a person I feel is below my station in life so they will tend to my horse. But the main reason I don't like it is whenever I have a large number of coins it feels like I'm in a foreign land. I always associate other countries with having coin money, so if I have a lot of $1 coins it makes me insecure, as I now have this small part of my brain which starts to wonder if local businesses will allow me to use these coins to make a purchase. Given the number of machines which give Canadian money as change but refuse to take them, my apprehension is not totally unfounded. Honestly, getting coin money as change makes it feel like you have taken my real American money and given me Monopoly money in return. Adding to the feeling that this money isn't real is the fact that it isn't even consistent. Most of the coins have Sacajawea on them, but several have Rutherford B. Hayes, James K. Polk, James Monroe, James Madison, George Washington or Abraham Lincoln (as if those two aren't on enough money already) on them. All I'm saying is that inconsistency and obscure Presidents are not the way to make me take your currency choice seriously.

So, now the question is who do I start unloading these stupid coins on? The only thing I hate more than having a lot of coin money is giving it to other people, because I'm pretty sure they will hate having them as much as I do. The universal karma in paying for something this way is just the kind of thing I am trying to avoid as I start 2013. Also, using coin money necessitates starting off every transaction with, "I hate having to do this to you, but..." which is a conversational element which doesn't need to be there. (Seriously, if using your money requires starting the transaction with an apology, your currency sucks.) This is why I still have so many of them left, because I refuse to simply thrust them all onto some poor waiter the way they were thrust onto me. Thus, I find myself asking which places of business I like enough to want an item from their store, yet don't like enough to dump this annoying money on them. The most likely candidate is the MBTA itself, where I just hold on to them until the next time I need to put money on my Charlie Card. The problem is I don't actually take the Green Line all that much, so waiting to unload all these coins could take months. The next likely target is a gas station because, well, fuck those guys. (Seriously, the price of gas has started to go back up for no reason at all.) But, I'm sure that has nothing to do with the people at the counter, so why do that to them? What I really want to do is send these coins directly to the government and ask them who thought they were a good idea in the first place. I'm pretty sure Sacajawea's ancestors don't even like this money. It may have been a stupid idea, but at least the trillion dollar coin would have come in handy one time.