Fire In The Hole

A few years ago I wrote a blog post about a new show on the Discovery Channel called, "The Colony". The basic premise of the show was that a group of strangers came together after the apocalypse and tried to rebuild a small sliver of modern society. Unfortunately for the people working on that program, I remember my blog post a hell of a lot better than anything which happened on the actual show. You see, it strained reality from the very start when the colonists were almost exclusively doctors, engineers and construction workers. There wasn't a superfluous job in the mix, which bothered me because if they wanted to conduct this as a real experiment they should have picked more average citizens. Anyway, the "convenient" nature of the show only got worse from there as they just so happened to find a warehouse that had all the things they would need to fill their space with creature comforts. (As you can tell, I originally wrote this back in the days when we expected channels like Discovery to be above the stunts regular reality shows pulled. Reading it now my naivety is almost quaint.) The main thing I took away from watching this show is that every producer of a post-apocalyptic show must also be a fan of "Mad Max", as every series contains bands of marauders driving old school buses. I only made it about three episodes before the entire thing annoyed me too much and I never did find out if the colonist made it out.

[Sidebar: I'm willing to admit that most people probably wouldn't have gotten so hung up on the lack of career diversity on the show, which begs the question of why wasn't it a bigger hit? I feel like the real problem with this show was that it was simply ahead of its time. It came around before the whole "Zombie Apocalypse" fad which spawned shows like "Doomsday Preppers." If you think about it those are the people who need to work on survival skills, because collecting a bunch of canned goods and then burying a tube with beds, running water and a flatscreen TV underground isn't exactly a 'skill' either. It just means you have a lot of money and no hobbies to spend it on. It would be like complimenting a person in an RV on their camping skills. Also, I don't think it is a coincidence that the people on these shows are exactly the kind of people you would hate to be trapped in a confined space with. They may have 70 years worth of food, but I'm pretty sure their families are going to take them out within a month. It is shows like that which have stopped me from learning more about this kind of thing, as they make me slightly worried about going too far the other way and suddenly finding myself digging a hole in my backyard.]

The only good thing to come out of this show is the cold slap of reality I got back in 2009 when I realized I am pretty much useless in disaster situations. The world may love a clown, but they aren't much good when you're trying to figure out a way to make water clean enough for drinking. Also, I really doubt editors are going to be in high demand once the country loses all power, as there will be no way to transmit messages. My only comfort is that my chosen profession is hardly alone in having a less than desirable skillset when it comes to post-disaster life. Rather than film a show about doctors and engineers, let's see how well basic society rebounds when left in the hands of an accountant, a car salesman and the people who invented Instagram. We'd never make it passed the second week, but at least when the people who eventually find our bodies figure out a way to recharge our phones (because they will be so far ahead of us they will have gotten that far down the to-do list by this point) they will find plenty of ironic photos and snarky comments to amuse them.

Anyway, the reason this is on my mind is the same one which paints this most recent cold spell around the northeast as a bit of a blessing in disguise - it reminded me I do have one survival skill that might come in handy, which is I'm really good at starting fires. Admittedly, that doesn't sound positive. In fact, it sounds like something a pyromaniac might say. However, it is not that I enjoy starting fires at random, just that if you need to get one going I can build and maintain them with ease. It is pretty much the only skill I remember from Cub Scouts. Yesterday my house was freezing before I got a large fire going with one match that lasted the rest of the afternoon and took all the chill out of the house. I understand this skill won't win me any "Survivalist of the Year" awards (which I assume is a real thing), but it is better than nothing. Humanity wouldn't be where we are today if someone didn't figure out fire at some point. Also, keeping this skill sharp seems like enough knowledge to have without going anywhere near the tipping point, which would cause me to hoard canned goods and dig a fallout shelter in my basement. Which is a good thing, because even with my limited survival skills I know a fire in a confined space is a bad idea.