Ambitious Arachnids

A couple of night ago I looked out my back window and discovered that there was an enormous spider web taking shape, attaching the railing of the deck to the side of the house. I am talking at least four feet wide and five feet tall. Now, as loyal readers know my standard policy is to leave spiders alone as long as they are keeping to themselves and staying out of my house, specifically my bedroom. While building a web large enough catch a hawk attached to my house isn't totally keeping to themselves, I considered it close enough to count as their domain and allowed the web-slinging to continue. I was less enthusiastic regarding a spider web which had begun to take shape the next day when I opened the door to the back yard and noticed one starting to fill the corners of the doorway and extending down to just above eye level. If I were shorter it wouldn't have mattered but since one of the greatest annoyances in life is getting cobwebs in your hair (you never feel like you've gotten it all out), I decided to clear that web away from the door. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very thorough job based on time constraints and the fact that we were scheduled to get several rainy days in a row. I figured whatever I didn't take care of would be washed away by Mother Nature in short order. I forgot that woodland creatures and Mother Nature are friends.

Apparently, spider webs are impervious to rain because we got a healthy number of showers throughout the weekend and not only did the webs not disappear, they got bigger. I had suspicions the large one attached to the deck would stand up to the rain since it was getting big enough to think about putting in a pool, but I honestly thought the smaller one would get washed away. Instead as near as I can tell ripping down only one web while leaving the other up only confused the spiders into thinking I was pleased with one but didn't like the design they had picked for the other, like some picky home buyer on "House Hunters" who would really like the kitchen to have granite counter tops. [Sidebar: if you have ever said that phrase on television I want to punch you in the face. Have some damn originality.] What happened next was the pair of spiders (and, please God, let it just be a pair), concentrated their efforts on the door leading out to the back porch so as I opened it this evening to grill my dinner I was greeted with a web so large and elaborate a haunted house would think was fake. This thing easily filled the top half of the doorway (I only saw how low it extended thanks to catching it in the right light) and contained what looked to be dozens of intricate weaves as well as two large spiders who were no doubt pleased with their creation. The only thing missing was a catchy message like "Some Pig!"

If it were in any other setting I would have left it alone as a tribute to the beauty of nature but seeing as how I knew I was about to make multiple trips through the doorway (I'm a forgetful griller) and was bound to forget the web was there on one of them, I figured I'd better get the act of wrecking this thing over with to prevent it from ending up all over my shirt. So I limbo'd my way under it, grabbed a branch from a nearby tree, collected both large webs on said stick (I figured if I was getting rid of one I may as well get rid of the other) and planned to simply toss the stick into the yard where I would run it over with the lawnmower in a couple days. I felt kind of bad destroying this natural work of art in 10 seconds when it had taken nearly a week to build, but that feeling faded away pretty quickly. It wasn't until I was about halfway across the deck that I noticed the spiders were coming along for the ride (apparently determined to go down with their work) and quickly making their way down the stick towards my hand, which was when the plan changed from throwing the stick into the yard to throwing it into the nearby woods, about as far from me as I could get it. The last thing I need is these two industrious insects deciding that the only way to prevent this from happening again was to build the largest, thickest web they can make. Hopefully now that they are relocated their next web will be on a tree.

I think the biggest problem with spider webs is that they can make a house which was thoroughly cleaned the other day look abandoned. It's annoying. I know a few corners in my house could stand to have a Swiffer swing through, but for the most part I keep it tidy and hate that one web can undo that effort. I'm sure there are some people out there who love spiders and want to point out that by destroying these large webs I have messed with a delicate ecosystem in which the spiders helped to control the insect population around the yard. They will contend that while I made my yard more aesthetically pleasing, I probably made it harder to enjoy since the mosquitoes and bees can now roam around unchecked. Well, I would like to remind those people that this is New England in September, which means we are about 30 days from the first good frost of the season, at which point most insect life will go away entirely so it's not going to be that big of an issue (and since this debate is taking place entirely in my head this point wins me the argument). I will admit that the coming frost was a factor because I am counting on it to take these spiders out since I want to make sure that I not only win the battle but the war. Because believe me, I do not want those spiders to have time to call for reinforcements.