Hardly Seems Worth It

Having watched my fair share of PSA-filled cartoons in my youth, I am well aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. However, unlike not smoking or how bad an idea is it to hide in an old refrigerator or jump a downed power line on my bike, for some reason that lesson just never worked its way all the way in, because I almost never eat breakfast. It's just one of those things. Most morning my breakfast is a gigantic cup of tea. But this doesn't mean I don't enjoy food that is supposed to be eaten at breakfast - Pop-Tarts are a favorite of mine, I just don't eat them when they were intended to. And when I have them as a late afternoon snack I often take the unusual step to toast them. Now, recently I tried the new Cinnabon breakfast sticks (also in the afternoon) and found them quite good. But the package suggested I would like them better when warm, so I flipped the box over to get the heating directions. That was when the following sentence caught my eye:

Microwave on high for 3 seconds.

Seriously? Three seconds? That is awfully quick, don't you think? I microwave ice cream for longer than three seconds when I'm trying to defrost it coming out of the freezer. I'm never even totally sure that the microwave door is closed for the first couple of seconds when I use it, but in this case that would be the entire cooking process. Hell, the beep from starting the clock will still be hanging in the air when the bell letting you know your food is done will be going off. Finding a paper towel to put underneath the breakfast stick takes longer than three seconds. I'm all for quick and easy cooking of food, but this is ridiculous. Not to mention, how warm can it really get in three seconds? I can only assume they went with that amount of time because it seemed less condescending than writing, "If you would like this warm, hold it close to your mouth and breath on it. It's two bites, idiot. Why are you even bothering to heat this up?"

This is just another example of technology becoming more advanced than we need it to be. There is no need for food to be cooked this quickly. If you can't wait 10 seconds for something then that is on you, not society. Therefore, I would like to announced that we should be all done working with microwave technology. We're cooking food in the time it takes for a hummingbird to flap its wings a hundred times, so we've gone as far as we are going to go with this. Much like adding a bunch of unnecessary features to the toothbrush, now we're starting to take things in a direction they don't need to go. If you're cooking things in a microwave for less than five seconds then it probably doesn't need to be hot anyway. Congratulations, scientists - you've won. Start working on something else.

Try To Blend In

In a previous post, I had discussed my friend's not-at-all foolproof plan for buying his pot. It consists of driving to a gas station, getting out of his car and into his dealer's, the transaction taking place and then my friend getting back into his car and driving away. Apparently, they both fail to realize that to the outside world, especially people like me who have never been involved in this type of activity, that type of behavior looks just like what average people imagine a drug deal would look like. Last night I think I discovered the main problem with their operation: the choice of location.

I was at a gas station and there were two people conversing behind the station. Now, it is entirely possible that what they were doing was not at all illegal or in any way scandalous, but that was still right where my mind went. It feels as though nothing good happens behind a gas station once the sun goes down. I understand that most criminals are going out of their way to avoid drawing attention to themselves, but hanging out in seedy places is the wrong way to go about it. It is almost as if by trying to hide they have brought more attention onto themselves. So, if you want to conduct your illegal business you should do it out in the open because people would assume you are being too obvious to be committing a crime.

Anyway, that got me to thinking and I came up with a list of place you should never do your illegal business, because it is where everyone thinks illegal business happens. You're welcome, criminals.

-An alley. Whenever I see two people in an alley I assume they are either homeless, drug-dealers or work for a company that maintains dumpsters. If you are not one in one of those three industries, might I suggest taking the long way around the building?

-An empty parking lot. Take this one from personal experience. A couple months back I was selling my dad's spare train pass to a fellow commuter and we agreed to meet in a nearby Best Buy parking lot. However, upon arrival I found the Best Buy closed. I know I wasn't doing anything illegal but hanging out in this empty parking lot, damned if it didn't feel like it. And I'm sure the people who were closing up the store were thinking that exact thing as well.

-A van. I have an uncle who used to have no problems buying electronics out of a stranger's van. And, shockingly, he always got a great deal as long as he didn't ask and they didn't tell. But, it was always cash-only and all sales were final, because there were no guarantees that they van would ever be back in that location. That sort of closed-door return policy should probably tell you all you need to know about that idea.

-Abandoned warehouses. TV has led me to believe that these are everywhere and gun fights happen inside them every 20 minutes or so. They are also where most crimes are planned and most kidnap victims are held. If there was ever an abandoned warehouse on my street I would demand it be torn down immediately.

-International waters. I don't know what happens in International waters and I'm not sure I want to know. But, its reputation suggests that pretty much anything goes out there. All I know from watching crime shows through the years is that no one can arrest you once you reach International waters, no matter what you are doing. As near as I can tell it's just like the Old West, but with boats. If you are that far from shore, it can't be for a good reason.

A Fine Ruling

Just yesterday I wrote about how in the last few years the 24-hour news channels have started to treat every event as though it would be getting its own chapter in the text books of future generations, even though most stories will be forgotten about by next week. Then, as if on cue, this morning a federal appeals court threw out the fine levied against CBS following the infamous 'wardrobe malfunction' during the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004, bring perhaps the most famous such example of this back to the public conscious. CBS had been appealing the half-million dollar fine because it said it could not be held responsible for an unplanned incident and the fine was both excessive and arbitrary, as the penalties were not raised for incidents such as this until after the Super Bowl. The court agreed and hopefully this will be the last time "wardrobe malfunction" has to be said in a court of law.

Still, it made me think back to when this story first happened. Remember when Janet Jackson's nipple caused everyone to lose their minds for a couple of months? We were getting the crazy from both sides: really conservative people thought this signaled the end of human decency and the America they had grown up in (quick spoiler alert: it was already gone) and was going to lead us down a path where anything went on TV. The really liberal free-speech advocates (yep, lumping myself in there) were afraid that lawmakers would use this incident as an excuse to crackdown on anything that they simply didn't like or viewed as even the slightest bit controversial in an effort to make themselves look like pious family men, rendering American broadcasting about as exciting as an Amish barn-raising. Hell, they even mentioned it during the Presidential debates of that year. Frankly, with several years in the rear-view mirror, the panic almost seems quaint.

As it turns out (because this is almost always how it works), neither side was right. TV has not become a free-for-all where you can say or do anything in the name of ratings. Nor have the boundaries been reigned in to the point where the most controversial thing on TV is a very special after-school episode of "Facts of Life" where one of the girl meets a lesbian. After a brief overreaction where the censors went a little heavy with the bleep button, things returned to normal and the lawyers started to relax again. TV has continued to evolve at its own, natural pace and, yes, you can get away with more now than you ever could before. But believe me when I tell you that its is not nearly as much as writers want to be getting away with. There is still restraint in broadcasting.

So, don't be surprised as they continue to push and attempt to get away with more. But that is because that is how life works, not because Justin Timberlake grabbed more than he mean to. [Sidebar: happens to the best of us, JT.] I'm sure in a few years we will look back at 2011 and wonder just what was the big deal about showing blood on a basic-cable channel. Basically, in the words of Stewie Griffin, "world keeps on spinnin'." It was just another example that the big news story of today is never as big as people want you to think it is. Frankly, armed with this knowledge I can't wait for "I Love the 20-teens" on VH1 in a decade when we all look back at the "Occupy Wall Street" protests and laugh. If they need me, as you can see I'm already working on material.

Too Soon

One of my biggest problems with the news (and society in general) is that whatever just happened is now the biggest thing in the history of ever. Every new basketball player is the best in a generation, every comedian is going to redefine the way the genre is viewed and what happened today is going to change the world until the end of time. The only problem is that it rarely works out like that. Most of these things have a much smaller impact than we think they will at the time. I get it, though - the bigger the story the more eyes that are going to check in to learn about it and getting eyeballs is the name of the game. I just always though the things that would stay out of this kind of instant-gratification were honors like lifetime achievement awards. I know you want to make sure that people are still around to get them, but more and more it feels like we're giving out lifetime awards to people who aren't done living yet.

This weekend the Kennedy Center presented Will Ferrell with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Will Ferrell. I check Funny or Die all the time, "Elf" might be my favorite Christmas movie and I quote "Anchorman" whenever possible. But, doesn't it seem a little soon to be giving Will Ferrell a lifetime achievement award? It just feels as though we are only at the mid-point of his career and I'll be interested to see which way he might take comedy in the future. Giving this to him now is like putting Kevin Durant in the Hall of Fame. Everyone thinks he'll get there eventually, but shouldn't we wait a little while and make sure? After all, look at what happened to Adam Sandler's career. Wouldn't the Kennedy Center feel and look pretty stupid if they had him alongside Cosby, Carlin, Pryor and Winters?

I think the reason this bothers me is that in the clamor to put people in before their time people out there have been overlooked. For example, Mel Brooks still hasn't been given this achievement. That means that Will Ferrell can get recognized for his work on "The Producers" but the guy who wrote it is still waiting. Last year they gave it to Tina Fey, who was the youngest person to ever get the award at just 40 years-old. While I am a fan of the her, I think it is a pretty safe bet to say that Mel Brooks has done more to advance American comedy than Tina Fey. "Mean Girls" and "30 Rock" are good, but are they better than "Young Frankenstein" or "Blazing Saddles"? I think the answer there is a clear no.

I'm sure the Kennedy Center doesn't want this to turn into an event where the aisles are lined with oxygen tanks and the youngest person in the room is 50. I get that. But just because you are trying to stay hip (although saying hip almost immediately makes you un-hip), it doesn't mean you should ignore people who have been around for a while. Frankly, making some of today's youth watch classic comedy bits would beneficial for everybody. It would be good for kids to learn that a well-crafted joke is something to be appreciated and getting drunk and falling down is not an original punchline. I just hope this trend gets reversed before I read the headline that the 2013 Mark Twain Award winner is Daniel Tosh.

Wow, That Was Quick

When it comes to the world of pop culture and celebrities, there are very few things that end up surprising me. I am very rarely shocked at the length some people will go to bring attention to themselves. Therefore, when reality "star" Kim Kardashian and "professional" basketball player Kris Humphries announced they were getting married, I didn't put much stock in their long-term future. They hadn't known each other very long, Kris didn't make the kind of money that was going to keep a girl like Kim happy and the entire thing had the makings of a publicity stunt, right down to the fact that the engagement photos were for sale to the tabloids almost immediately after Kris proposed. But even with my lack of faith in their ability to make 'til death did them part, I was still shocked when Kim filed for divorce this morning after only 72 days of marriage.

When I wrote my massive, "30 Things I've Learned At 30" post a couple years ago one of the lessons was that couples should live together before they get married. I think it just makes sense to find out now if the other person has any particularly annoying habits, because it isn't like those habits are going to get less annoying as time goes by. Well, either Kris has some really extra annoying habits or Kim is quite easily put-out, because 72 days is not a very long time to decide you simply can't deal with someone who will not refill the Brita. I mean, Lent is only 40 days. That means last year I could stand to give up all chocolate for about half as long as these two could stand to be married to one another. Moments like this are why etiquette gives you a year to buy wedding presents.

Just to give you some perspective, the O.J. Simpson Trial lasted for 265 days. (The length of that is kind of ironic considering one of O.J.'s lawyer was Robert Kardashian.) The longest baseball game in history, staged between the Pawtucket Red Sox and Rochester Red Wings took 33 innings and was suspended in the middle, so technically it took 66 days for them to get the game in. That means by the time Kim started looking for divorce lawyers this game hadn't even restarted. But, if the Kardashians are looking for something to hang their hats on, they can take solace in the fact that I would apparently not be able to make it around the world in a hot air balloon in less than 80 days. Score one for them.

We can only hope that there are a couple of silver linings to all of this. First off, whether we like it or not, Kim Kardashian is a role model for hundreds of thousands of young, stupid, impressionable and stupid girls. Perhaps this whole debacle and the razzing Kim will take in the aftermath will teach just a few of them that it is a bad idea to legally bind yourself to someone you just met two months ago. Secondly, there is a chance that this may mark the beginning of the end for the Kardashian empire. Pop-culture lovers can take a lot in their publicity stunts - what they can't take is out-and-out fraud. By giving up so quickly on this, the Kardashians have basically admitted they were only in it for the money. While we all knew that, it is a bad PR move to shove it in our faces (you never let the audience see behind the fourth wall). Not to mention, you have to wonder if the tabloids (who are the life-blood of a reality star) may now turn on the family, sick of paying huge amounts for photos that can only run in a single issue. Biting the hand that feeds you is never a wise idea. Of course, neither is marrying a guy you've known for a month, so expecting a smart idea from these people probably makes me look like the biggest idiot of them all.

The Halloween Interlude

Once again, we have reached Halloween. I know that technically I'm a day early, but I would rather not wait for next week to play Halloween music, because there is nothing worse than holiday-specific music one second after that holiday has passed. Plus, if I had my way yesterday would have been Halloween anyway. But I digress. Today we're going with "I Put A Spell On You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins. I didn't see a date on this video, but I can only imagine this was sometime in the mid-70s. Now I want you to watch this video and observe how clearly crazy this man is. Remember this when your parents try and chastise you about some recent pop star who is doing something stupid in the name of attention and tell you how much better musicians were in their day. Acting a fool is not exactly a new trick.

By the way, here is this year's pumpkin.

Keeping up my recent sports theme I went with the Bruins logo. I figure if you win a Championship for the first time in 40 years the least I can do is carve a vegetable in your honor. It is not my best attempt ever, but at least you can tell what I was going for.

Weekly Sporties

-Towards the end of his introductory press conference earlier this week, new Red Sox General Manager Ben Cherington tried to casually slip in the news that Red Sox pitcher John Lackey was scheduled to have Tommy John surgery and miss all of next season. Nice try, but we all caught it. Now, I know that a pitcher having major surgery on his arm and missing a year of his career sounds bad, but this might be the best thing for everyone involved. First off, fair or not Lackey has become the symbol for everything that went wrong with the Red Sox in September. He would have been booed by the Boston fans louder than any of the visitors on Opening Day. They no longer want him here and I highly doubt he wants to be here. Secondly, the rest of baseball knows the Sox are desperate to get rid of him, so the offers they have received while trying to trade him have been very low. Frankly, a year-long break from each other may be the best for everyone involved. Lackey can get healthy and hopefully deal with his off-the-field issues, while the Red Sox can try and salvage his image around the league. Maybe by this time next year everyone is in a better place emotionally. Lackey still may never pitch in Boston again, but hopefully the next year can be spent crafting a smoother exit from the city.

-Still, as bad the Red Sox appear to have been run in the last few weeks, it could always be worse - they could be the Dodgers. Late in the week an attorney for Dodger owner Frank McCourt sued the two men accused of beating San Francisco Giants fan Bryan Stow into a coma following Opening Day at Dodger Stadium. Currently, Stow's family is suing the team and the stadium for not having enough security in the parking lots and the Dodgers contend it was just the fault of the two assailants. Well, not totally their fault. You see, the lawyer also said it was partially Stow's fault because, "It takes two to tango." Blaming the guy who was beaten into a coma and suffered brain damage just for being a fan of the visiting team... classy. This from the same owner who took money from the team to finance his ridiculously extravagant lifestyle, while simultaneously running the organization into the ground, to the point that Major League Baseball took control of the team away from him and are trying to force McCourt to sell. Just remember, McCourt was one of the finalist to own the Red Sox before it was ultimately awarded to John Henry's group. Suddenly players drinking beer in the clubhouse doesn't seem so bad, does it?

-In the constantly-shifting world of college football, the news this week came from West Virginia, who told anyone who would listen that they intended to leave the Big East for the Big 12. However, the Big 12 told them to quiet down and be cool about this because they only planned to invite them to join if Missouri left for the SEC. While this was going on someone accidentally put up a press release on the official SEC website welcoming Missouri to the conference, even though they hadn't technically been asked to join yet. Meanwhile, Louisville was on the outside looking in, trying to go around West Virginia's back and convince the Big 12 that they would make a much better addition to the conference than the Mountaineers. Seriously, this is like a plot of "Glee", only with university presidents instead of singing teenagers.

-For a few hours on Friday it appeared that, after weeks of no movement and public posturing about doomsday for the season, the NBA Lockout was on its last legs. The two sides had made a tremendous amount of progress in a short time, and everyone was crowing about how a deal could be in place by the end of the weekend. There was even talk that every attempt would be made to play the full 82-game season. But, late Friday afternoon talks broke down again, the sides left without an agreement and Commissioner David Stern cancelled another two weeks of the season, saying that now there was no way the league could play a full schedule. After the dust settled from that announcement, the "anonymous sources" came out of the woodwork to spill the beans about the breakdown in talks. Apparently, everything is in place for a deal, except for a plan for revenue sharing (aka: the whole reason there is a lockout). Oh you mean the two sides are still having a staring contest over the only issue that really matters? Well then, sounds as though they were never really all that close to an agreement. How about you deal with the one issue that matters to both sides and then you can come and tease me about how soon I met get to see basketball this year? Until that get settled everything else is wasted energy.

-In an attempt to prove that he is all the way back from a knee injury, wide receiver Terrell Owens staged a public workout for any and all interested parties. Turns out no NFL teams showed up. While I know that sounds bad, the lack of scouts at the workout should not be interpreted as a lack of interest in Owens - I'm sure some middle-of-the-pack team could use him and he will make his way onto a roster eventually. But, the NFL works like this: if they are interested they call you and you go to them, not the other way around. This public workout was just further proof that T.O. seems to think he is somehow special and not an older wide-out with an image problem who has never won squat in the NFL. He needs the NFL a hell of a lot more than it needs him and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he'll find himself back in the league. This was just a way for all the teams in the league to remind him of that.

-The NFL is notorious for handing out fines to players over the stupidest little things. Wear unapproved cleats? That'll be $5,000. Hit a guy with a tackle that drew a penalty, but which appears perfectly legit on replay? $20,000. (But run after a fellow coach and challenge him to a fight? Nothing.) Anyway, that it is why it was not surprising to see that Troy Polamalu was fined $10,000 this week for using a cellphone on the sidelines, which is a no-no. Polamalu was calling his wife to let her know he wasn't seriously hurt after leaving the game with concussion-like symptoms, but the NFL wasn't interested in the reasons behind the call, just the rules he broke. Now, a lot of people took this opportunity to jump on the NFL for being too strict, but for once I find myself on the side of the Commissioner's office. The unofficial creed of the NFL is "If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying." So, if they let this incident slide, how long until every player was "calling home" to "check in with the wife"? God only knows who could really be on the other end of the line. So, I'm not going to chastise the NFL for this one, but I do feel like it should be a team, not an individual fine.

-Early in the week the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, who have been the guardians of the laws of golf pretty much since its invention, changed one of the rules. Previously, if you were on the green and your ball moved after you had addressed the ball (placed your club on the ground behind the ball) you were penalized a stroke. It didn't matter whether you moved the ball or it shifted as a result of wind, earthquake or another act of God. The bottom line is if it moved, you were screwed. Well, someone finally realized that penalty is a bit harsh and now as long as you don't touch the ball and cause it to move, you will not be penalized a stroke. It's about time this was fixed. One stupid golf rule down, about six thousand to go.