30 Things I've Learned As I Turn 30

Normally, I am not one to make a big deal out of my birthday. I have always been the type of person who would rather not call attention to myself on this kind of stuff. That doesn't mean I don’t enjoy my birthday – quite the opposite actually. The thing is I just like to keep it (and my life) low-key. But, this year is different, because it’s a milestone birthday. The rules change for any birthday that ends in a zero or a five. On these birthdays, I like to take a moment to look back. Reflect, if you will, on what I have learned in my life.

Now, when I do this I’m usually filled with a familiar emotion – embarrassment. It’s true that the problem with youth is that it is wasted on the young, because age brings wisdom. You see, when I turned 21 I thought back to the man I was at 18 and came away with one thought: "What a jackass." At 18 I thought I knew it all and I was cocky as hell. That kid needed a head slap in the worst way. Surely the much more worldly man I was at 21 was smarter than the idiot I was at 18. Only then I turned 25 and thought back to the man I was at 21… and was hit with the same emotion. I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did back then. So, as I hit 30, I am not shocked to realize that all the stuff I thought I knew at 25 doesn't seem all that smart at 30. I’m sure at 35 I’ll read this and laugh at all the stuff I knew at 30. I guess you’ll just have to check back in 5 years. But, in the interim, here are 30 things I've learned at 30, in absolutely no order.

1. People don’t change. This isn't to say people don’t evolve. Their personal tastes can change, their style can change. I recently read an article that said taste buds are constantly evolving, so it's not unusual if someone suddenly develops a new favorite beer at 28. What I mean is that who someone is, deep at their core, is never going to change. If they were a selfish asshole at 15, when they hit 25 and the chips are down they will absolutely revert to being that selfish asshole again. We always want to think that people will change in that situation, but it isn't going to happen. Which brings me to…

2. Despite popular belief you can, in fact, fool yourself. I've found people can talk themselves into just about anything, even after being presented all evidence to the contrary. Everyone else can see the forest for the trees, but you focus on one branch and can tell yourself anything about that branch and you will believe it with all your heart. It's only when the branch falls off and stabs you in the eye that you realize why all your family and friends were telling you to back away from the branch (Holy shit, that was a long tree metaphor). The point is that our heart can often over-rule our minds. A nice segway to...

3. First impressions are usually the best impressions. That's right, the Head and Shoulders commercial was right. Once again, people don't change so you should go with your first instincts on people. If a girl seems too crazy to date, then three years later she won't have gotten any less crazy, she'll just have learned to better disguise it and you will be swayed by how less-crazy she seems. It was right the first time and eventually you'll discover it isn't right now. The crazy is still in there, looking for an excuse to get out. Now, some of you might think this is generalizing, but I it saves time. For example, when I meet people who think Phish is the greatest band ever, I know that we shouldn't hang out. Skips a whole long, drawn-out process.

4. Never bet on sports the first six weeks of any season. You don’t know anything about these teams. Hell, the coaches barely know what is going on with their teams for the first six weeks. It’s a recipe for disaster and lost money. As a corollary…

4A. Don’t buy sports memorabilia from anyone but established stars. It's a little like wagering on the stock market. You can be pretty sure this guy will be a Hall of Famer, but you most likely don't get a vote. For example: right now Brandon Jennings looks like he's destined to be an All-Time great. In reality, he's one knee injury from being the answer to that trivia question where no one has any idea who he even is. Take it from a guy with lots of signed Ron Mercer gear.

5. You can not put a price on making something someone else's problem. Normally I'm stubborn enough to think I can do most home-improvement projects. However, I do not mess with electricity or poison ivy. Sometimes it’s just for the best to sit back and let a job be done right the first time by a professional. I can not tell you the load that comes off my mind when it comes time to call in the guys who I am certain knows what they're doing and let them take care of it while I sit on the couch and drink beer. It's fantastic. [Editor's note: this became crystal clear in 2010. There are two kinds of problems - those that can be solved with money and those that can't. I have discovered you can always scrap money together and thus, I no longer worry about the first kind, but the second kind are the ones I wouldn't wish on my enemy.]

6. Never be afraid to ask the tough question. Maybe you're staring down your boss, hesitant to ask for a raise. Maybe you want to confront a friend about a rumor you've heard. Maybe you want to ask the cable company if it's possible to get extra channels for free. Whatever your question may be, just ask it already. You're never going to get an answer (whether it's the one you want or not) as long as you stand there with your mouth closed. Even if it's not the response you want, at least you have your answer and can stop going back and forth in your head.

7. There are 3 types of people when it comes to ‘drama’:
a. Those who avoid it at all costs.
b. Those who fight to avoid it, but it finds them regardless of their best efforts.
c. Those that create it when there is no need for it.

Just know that Group A shouldn't be friends with Group C and vice versa, because they will not get along, and Group C always finds a reason to be around Group B. Also, reality TV casts its shows exclusively from Group C which is why, as a member of Group A, I never watch reality TV.

8. Be ready to back up your guarantee. The quickest way to never be trusted again is to talk a big game and then come up really small. It's better to be honest and say “I'm not totally sure I can pull that off,” than it is to say you can and fall flat on your face.

9. Always keep mints in your car and at your desk at work. Look, you just never know, so cover your bases. Besides ‘the guy with the mints’ is not a bad moniker to pick up at work. It beats ‘the guy with chronic halitosis’.

10. We're all crazy - it's just a matter of to what degree. I have a friend who is currently dating a girl that hates ketchup. It's not just that she doesn't want it on her food, but she hates it to the point she won't even handle it long enough to pass it across the table. In fact, she would rather you pass it the other way around the table when possible, because she doesn't want it crossing her path, much like a black cat. But, I'm hardly one to talk – I will only put movies onto my shelves when I have enough to add an equal amount to every shelf and thus make sure the rows stay the same length. See? I'm nuts too. The point is that we all have some crazy in us and so you shouldn't judge too harshly when someone does something out of the ordinary. But, you just need to see what level of crazy that person is and how much crazy you're willing to tolerate (see #24).

11. Do NOT be cheap with your bed. This is probably the second biggest lesson I want you to take from this. When I was younger I slept on a messed up boxspring and crappy mattress because I got it in my head that a bed on the ground was what I was supposed to sleep on in my early 20s. I'll tell you this: never again. Having a fantastic bed waiting for you at the end of a day can do wonders. Spring for every accessory they offer, too: double pillow-top mattress, egg-crate pad (or even better, that pillow-top mattress pad), down comforters, high thread-count sheets. I practically sleep in a cloud right now. It's fantastic. No day that begins and ends in a comfortable bed can ever be considered all that bad.

12. Read the damn directions. Also, call ahead and confirm that a store will be open. It will just speed the entire process up. See my post about the Christmas light process I dealt with this winter for further proof.

13. Everyone gossips. Even if they want to talk about how much of a gossip you are, they sure as hell aren't going to do it in front of you (this ties in nicely to #20, by the way). Right now there are people talking about you behind your back. The trick is not giving a shit.

14. Be sure not to over-stay your welcome. I learned this one from my grandfather who, when he had had enough, got up and left. No big goodbye, no drawn out “one last story.” He didn't want to impose and he never wanted people looking at their watches wondering how much longer he would be there. Much like show business he always left them wanting more.

15. Some activities are age-specific. Sure, some things really are timeless. I’m gonna play video games until the nurses at the home have to pry the remote from my cold, dead hands. But, that doesn't mean there aren't other activities I've had to give up the last few years. Last week someone told me that, “30 is the new 20.” Really? Cause I feel 30 (you should hear my knees pop), and I look 30 (I've been growing out my hair recently and it's allowed me to discover I'm going gray around my temples. Apparently I'm going to look like Paulie Walnuts before too long. At least I would if this hadn't spurred me to make the decision to never grow my hair out again). And if I tried to go to a Taylor Swift concert, everyone would wonder where my kid was or look at me as the creepy old guy. I know you're only as old as you feel but, trust me, go into a dance club with a group of 23 year-olds after you hit 29… you feel really damn old.

16. Never be the first one to follow “the one”. Gentlemen, if a girl just got out of a 3 year relationship and you hope to have a long-term relationship with her, you have to back off. She's going to need to throw the cooch around for a couple months. Give her 6-8 months to work all that stuff out and then she'll be open to a real, solid new relationship. Relationships that start right after a lengthy one ended never work out in the long-haul. Also, you move in to soon and you run the risk she'll dump your ass the first time the ex drunk dials her. And ladies, just know guys hang on to ex-girlfriends a lot longer than we want you to believe.

17. Write It Down. You have a fantastic idea. You convince yourself that there is no way you will ever forget to do this great idea, because it is so brilliant. Well, that may be the case when you had less going on, but that is no longer how it works. Keep a pad of paper handy, write it down and make sure that you remember this later.

18. You are not allowed to get mad at someone when they don't react the way you expect them to. Whenever I have a heated argument with someone I'll walk away to cool myself off. While in this cooling off period, I usually start to go through the next conversation, almost as if I'm writing out a screenplay. The problem comes when the next conversation starts and the other person says something unexpected, because then I get madder. In my mind I'm like a director and I have to fight the urge to yell things like, "That is not your line! No improv!" Because of this I feel comfortable telling you that it is a much better idea to go in with no expectations of how a conversations are going to go, because people are annoyingly unpredictable.

19. The Strip Club Effect. I've talked about this before, but what it boils down to is this: if you want to go to a place at an off-peak time, expect the off-peak staff. You'll be sacrificing service in the name of smaller crowds. It's not a bad plan; just know that it comes with some drawbacks.

20. The thing that pisses people off the most is usually something they do themselves. No one likes a liar, but do you know who really hates liars? Liars. And the people who demand that you never keep secrets are usually the people with the most skeletons in their closet (bonus life lesson: that can be literal. Watch out for the quiet ones). I think it's because by seeing a person who is repeating their worst traits back at them, they are forced to see how terrible they are being.

21. No one repeatedly does something they hate. People have a tremendous capacity to put up with bullshit. Still, everyone has a breaking point and if they haven't reached that point by now, it's not coming. They can bitch all they want about how they hate being the person everyone comes to with a problem, but deep down they like it. They want to be the person that everyone turns to when things go wrong. They just don't want this fact to be taken for granted, so they make a fuss occasionally.

22. Wear whatever makes you comfortable. No matter how in style you may be that day, in 15 years your kids will look back at the clothes you were wearing and be embarrassed anyway. I can already hear my nieces in 20 years looking at pretty much every picture of me from the last couple of years and saying, “Oh look, uncle Tommy is wearing a long sleeve shirt under a polo shirt. How original.” Whatever, it’s comfortable. You may as well be cozy as they make fun of your pegged jeans.

23. Watch TV every now and again. In this world of over-stimulation, it’s a wise idea to engage in some mindless activities once in a while. Just put your feet up and stop thinking for a couple hours. The problem you were trying to work out will still be there after Big Bang Theory. Also, TV can be a good ice-breaker at parties where you don't know anyone else. No one likes the person who physically pushes their way into a conversation, only to kill it by being that person who says, “Oh, I never watch TV.” Well, then go join a book club, you ass, because in this conversation circle we were talking about whether or not a pirate really would beat a knight like Deadliest Warrior says would happen.

24. Couples have to live together before they get married. I can not count the number of couples I knew that were lovey-dovey with each other, planning their weddings and their kids' college graduation parties, only to move in together and break up within 6 months because she refused to clean her hair out of the drain after a shower. You need to find out how annoying that person is now and decide if you can live with that, because in 20 years that cute/annoying thing they do will not be nearly as cute and 100 times as annoying.

25. Some times, ok is just going to have to be good enough. Personally, this was the hardest lesson I have had to learn, because I am a perfectionist. There is always a better way to write that sentence, build that cabinet or organize this room. However, we live in a deadline-driven world and at some point you need to turn stuff in. After that point it is out of your hands. Just do the best you can with the time you have. [Editor's note: this does not apply to this blog because I happen to be my own editor. I can tinker with this stuff until the end of time. If you check back in 3 weeks number 13 – 16 might be completely different. The perfectionist in me still wins!!]

26. Failure is a tremendous character builder. There is something to be said for taking a shot in the stomach and getting back up. When everything comes easy, it'll just make it harder the first time something goes wrong. If you've faced failure before then is easier to overcome it next time. It's the people who are willing to risk failing that usually end up being the most successful in the end. [Sidebar: This also applies to comedy. Are you hot? I have to tell you what no one else will: you're not funny, so please stop trying. Sorry, but humor is one of those things that has to be developed by a trial and error process and let's face it, beautiful people are rarely corrected, because someone out there is trying to have sex with them. See: McCarthy, Jenny.]

27. I don't care if you are 98% certain that a dish was washed, unless you are 100%, wash it again. Just do it. It’s better for everyone involved. How long does it take to wash a dish anyway? You can not put a price on peace of mind.

28. Personal heartbreak can be an indicator of impending fan success. This is why sports can be the greatest thing ever. They can absolutely pick you up when you are feeling down. This isn't even a theory - I have scientific proof. Stay with me on this one:

2003: Months after my friend Jeff (big Patriots fan) and his girlfriend break up the Patriots win their second Super Bowl.
2004: My co-worker Nick (huge Red Sox fan) and his girlfriend of 8 years break up. A month later, the Red Sox win their first World Series title in 86 years.
2005: Another co-worker, David (big Cardinals guy), and his fiancée call off their wedding. The Cardinals win the World Series a scant 4 months later, when David would have been on his honeymoon.
2008: Two months after my girlfriend of two years, the woman I thought would one day be the mother of my children, moves out, my beloved Celtics win their first World Championship since 1986.
2008: Brian, the guy in my fantasy football leagues who no one really likes (don't worry, he doesn't read this blog) and who also is a big Phillies fan, gets dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years. The Phillies win their first World Series in 28 years (aka, as long as he’s been alive).

Seriously, all of those are true. If one is a coincidence, two is a trend and three is evidence, what are five examples? Basically, gentlemen, it comes down to this: face the reality that she's not coming back, take the engagement ring money, find decent odds and put it on your team to win a Championship. Getting over heartbreak is much easier on a new jet-ski.

29. You should listen to other people. They are there to help you. They only want what's best for you and they have enough distance from the situation that they could probably provide good, un-biased insight. Give them all the facts and then sit back as they give you an honest assessment. [Editor's note: you will absolutely, 100%, never do this. I know this because I never do it. But, I know I should, so that has to count for something, right?]

30. Learn to Roll. Ok, so there was some order here, as this is the most important rule of life I have discovered. Life doesn't care about your plans and the timing of things is always going to suck. Flights get delayed, cars get stolen, relationships end, emails get accidentally deleted, pregnancy tests come back positive, people take comments more personally than they should, there is never enough money, jobs become redundant and directions get ignored. And that's just what happened in January. There is no sense in freaking out about it, because it's done. The more ready you are to just take a step back, breathe deeply and then go back into the fire, the better your life will be. I can't promise you much in life, but I can promise you this: shit is gonna happen whether you want it to or not. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, stay flexible and you'll do fine.

Late Addition (because 3,500 words weren't enough): This morning I hit shuffle on my iPod and was greeted by the song “All in All” by the band My Friend Steve. This was ironic for two reasons:
1. For all the time I spend on this blog crapping on the music snobs that advocate for the latest indie rock band and look down their noses at ‘mainstream’ music, My Friend Steve is the one band I do that for. They're fantastic, despite the fact no one has ever heard of them. I sing their praises every chance I get. Seriously, it's one of only four albums that I have added to my iTunes in its entirety.
2. I just spent a couple hours crafting this very long post about how much I've changed over the last 5 years, but this band (and especially this song), immediately transport me back to my college DJ days, when I was playing this band every single radio shift I picked up. And, my first thought was adding a link so you could check them out yourself. So, really, on certain issues I haven't changed that much since I was 21.