Try To Blend In

In a previous post, I had discussed my friend's not-at-all foolproof plan for buying his pot. It consists of driving to a gas station, getting out of his car and into his dealer's, the transaction taking place and then my friend getting back into his car and driving away. Apparently, they both fail to realize that to the outside world, especially people like me who have never been involved in this type of activity, that type of behavior looks just like what average people imagine a drug deal would look like. Last night I think I discovered the main problem with their operation: the choice of location.

I was at a gas station and there were two people conversing behind the station. Now, it is entirely possible that what they were doing was not at all illegal or in any way scandalous, but that was still right where my mind went. It feels as though nothing good happens behind a gas station once the sun goes down. I understand that most criminals are going out of their way to avoid drawing attention to themselves, but hanging out in seedy places is the wrong way to go about it. It is almost as if by trying to hide they have brought more attention onto themselves. So, if you want to conduct your illegal business you should do it out in the open because people would assume you are being too obvious to be committing a crime.

Anyway, that got me to thinking and I came up with a list of place you should never do your illegal business, because it is where everyone thinks illegal business happens. You're welcome, criminals.

-An alley. Whenever I see two people in an alley I assume they are either homeless, drug-dealers or work for a company that maintains dumpsters. If you are not one in one of those three industries, might I suggest taking the long way around the building?

-An empty parking lot. Take this one from personal experience. A couple months back I was selling my dad's spare train pass to a fellow commuter and we agreed to meet in a nearby Best Buy parking lot. However, upon arrival I found the Best Buy closed. I know I wasn't doing anything illegal but hanging out in this empty parking lot, damned if it didn't feel like it. And I'm sure the people who were closing up the store were thinking that exact thing as well.

-A van. I have an uncle who used to have no problems buying electronics out of a stranger's van. And, shockingly, he always got a great deal as long as he didn't ask and they didn't tell. But, it was always cash-only and all sales were final, because there were no guarantees that they van would ever be back in that location. That sort of closed-door return policy should probably tell you all you need to know about that idea.

-Abandoned warehouses. TV has led me to believe that these are everywhere and gun fights happen inside them every 20 minutes or so. They are also where most crimes are planned and most kidnap victims are held. If there was ever an abandoned warehouse on my street I would demand it be torn down immediately.

-International waters. I don't know what happens in International waters and I'm not sure I want to know. But, its reputation suggests that pretty much anything goes out there. All I know from watching crime shows through the years is that no one can arrest you once you reach International waters, no matter what you are doing. As near as I can tell it's just like the Old West, but with boats. If you are that far from shore, it can't be for a good reason.