Friday, May 4, 2012

Crossing Over

With "The Avengers" finally set to open today it is currently impossible not to see an ad for the movie in every direction you look. The studio is pushing hard to have at least one of the film's superheroes appear on every other billboard, collector cup and commercial currently in circulation. Honestly, I'm waiting for the film's stars to be sitting courtside at an NBA playoff game in full costume any minute now. As most of you know, normally I have a rule that the more a movie is being promoted the higher the chances that it is going to suck. But, there are exceptions to every rule and I think that superhero movies and animated children's movies are the exception to this one. After all, "The Avengers" is based on several comic books which had already been made into toys, so it is only natural that the movie be pimped out to squeeze every last dime, as it seems to make the circle complete. When you've got this many ready-made products in one place it is practically begging to be marketing right into the ground. After all, there is a reason these movies are held back to come out in the summer when more people can go during the day and it isn't to make sure they are eligible for the Oscars.

Still, I feel like the non-stop marketing isn't the only reason the anticipation for this movie is so high. When you get right down to it, people love seeing characters from different things in one place. Whether it is in books, such as when Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys teamed up to solve a mystery, or on TV, as just this week the casts of "Hawaii 5-O" and "NCIS: LA" crossed onto each other's show to catch some Navy-related criminals, people love it when familiar characters appear in new settings. It could be they like being able to cut through the process of being introduced to a character we'll never see again or maybe they feel like they are getting two shows for the price of one. Either way, the appeal of the character cross-over is undeniable. With that in mind, and after weeks of seeing these movie posters at every turn, I started to think - what other movies could be combined? What other movie pairings make so much sense, but never happened - probably due to licensing and which studio owned the rights? I gave it a little thought and came up with these six movies/characters that should wind up on the same screen someday. You're welcome, Hollywood.

-"Indiana Jones"& "Tomb Raider": Just seems logical that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones should team up to go on the ultimate treasure hunt. Sure, they are set in different times in history, but that problem could be worked out in about 10 minutes. They both dealt with elements of the super-natural, so I bet it wouldn't be that hard to come up with some kind of plot device that sends one into the other's time. I'm sure there are people out there who would think that the Indiana Jones franchise would be ruined by a cross-over like this. I say those people never saw "The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." The damage has already been done.

-"Battlestar Galactica" & "Star Trek": Quick, get the smelling salts to wake the nerds. To the best of my knowledge, the whole point of "Battlestar Galactica" was humans on a giant ship trying to defend themselves from a group of aliens bent on their destruction while trying to get to Earth. Well, isn't "Star Trek" just the opposite, as it is humans leaving Earth and running into a bunch of aliens who keep trying to kill them? I figure they could meet somewhere in the middle and hijinks could ensue. I'm sure the only reason this never happened is that these franchises are owned by different companies, but if they ever merged I predict this movie would make a billion dollars in a month. Toy sales alone could save our economy.

-"The Hangover" & "Bridesmaids": Seeing as how "Bridesmaids" was touted as "The Hangover" for girls, it seems only natural to make them into one extra-long and extra-funny mash-up. Seriously, I don't even think it would be that hard, as you just have two of the characters get engaged to one another. The most obvious characters to get together would be Melissa McCarthy and Zach Galifianakis, but if we're being honest I don't even think it matters which ones. As long as it is really funny than I don't think anyone is going to be walking out of the theater wondering about the giant holes in the plot.

-"Toy Story" & "Cars": These are both Pixar films, so this one could actually happen. Look, I don't know how it would work, I just know that when I was a kid and the Transformers showed up in my G.I. Joe comics, it was one of the seminal moments in my childhood. Having seen the way these two movie franchises have taken over the toy rooms of my nieces and nephew, I think a cross-over movie with these characters on one screen could result in the first time kids are willing to camp outside movie theaters for tickets. 

-"Dear John" & "The Lucky Ones": I'm throwing the ladies a bone with this one. Often these big blockbuster cross-overs are science-fiction or comic book movies aimed at single guys, so I figure it's about time Hollywood made one movie which broke all the box office records as both the highest-grossing and sappiest movie of all time. Just think of the merchandising opportunities, as you could emblazon the logo on everything from tissue packages to lotions. And just in case you are wondering why I picked these two, out of all the generic romantic movies, as the ones to be combined it's because, having seen nothing more than the trailers, I'm pretty sure they are already the same damn movie.

-"The Italian Job" & "Ocean's 11": Another reason people love these cross-over movies is they typically have an ensemble cast and you can get a lot of really good actors on one screen. Admittedly, combining these two movies would swell the cast to about 20 people, which would make things a little tight and leave very little money left over. (Hey, I never said these movies were gonna be cheap to make.) But, reports are they've been working on a sequel to "The Italian Job" for years. If you are going to make people wait this long, it had damn well better be worth it. Everyone loves a good heist movie and with a group of actors this big it would be one hell of a heist. And since you'd have a hard time keeping the movie under 4 hours while making sure everyone had enough screen time, you can split it into two movies, "Kill Bill" style. I just made a whole new movie franchise.

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