Good Riddance

So, as we have come to not only the end of the year, but the ending of an entire decade (I like to call this the "aughts", but that may be just me) TV news shows have started to do retrospectives of the entire year. I remember in 1999, despite the looming threat of Y2K, looking back on the decade with mostly fond memories. And while the aughts had some great times, way more positives than negatives, we are not ending on much of a high note. In fact, I'll get to the point and just say it - on a national level 2009 kinda sucked.

Really, the year was a tease, as the best national news happening in January. There was Sully Sullenberger landing a plane in the Hudson and President Obama getting sworn in. We thought that these were signs of a great year to come, but as it turns out that as a Nation we peaked way too early. Also, they weren't even that great. Think about it: the two highlights were a plane crash (Brought down by birds, of all things. Nature still beats technology!), where we were just happy nobody died and a large, mostly pomp and circumstance party that actually didn't change much else in the day-to-day world. After that it was all swine flu shots and news footage of the unemployment line.

In the world of entertainment, Conan O'Brien left his Late Night show to Jimmy Fallon. I haven't watched either since they debuted. Joe Buck got a TV show on HBO, because if there was one thing we all needed in our lives it was more Joe Buck. Then cool, interesting people like Patrick Swayze, Bea Arthur, Walter Cronkite and Michael Jackson all died. But, at least Sons of Anarchy was awesome to watch and The Daily Show kept everything in perspective.

Of course politics turned out to be a disappointment. Turns out Obama, the savior, is actually just another politician - lots of talk, not so much with the getting stuff done. The Democrats have majorities in both the House and the Senate, but they still couldn't get their act together to get a damn thing done this year. They are all either too stupid, stubborn or agenda-driven to actually get people the help they need. Yes, they pushed a health care reform bill through both houses, but had to gut it to do so; thus it actually won't reform health care all that much. And unemployment is still hovering around double-digits. But, all those banks we gave billions to are recording record profits... which they are keeping for themselves. That worked out well. Also, Ted Kennedy died so Massachusetts will be going to the back of the line when it comes time to get spending for government programs. At least we can say the phrase, "Senator Al Franken."

Even sports weren't that great this year. Here were the champions of in 2009: the Steelers, UNC Basketball, the Penguins, the Lakers and the Yankees. So, in other words, it was the year of the have's. (Yes, I realise that I root for teams like the Celtics, Patriots, Red Sox and Notre Dame, who are all in the have's category. But, I don't mind a year of the have's when they are my teams.) No great upsets or gritty teams that we could have gotten behind. As an added insult Alex Rodriguez was caught lying about steroids and not only did he not get suspended, he won his first World Series Title. Either karma doesn't exist or she was asleep at the wheel. In addition, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz were caught with positive steroid tests. Basically, 2009 was so bad it was trying to fuck up the memories of good years like 2004. As if that wasn't enough, right after Thanksgiving we discovered that Tiger Woods is a giant asshole. Happy Holidays from 2009.

Now, on a personal level, 2009 wasn't all that great, but it wasn't awful. I loved, I lost, she didn't come back like I thought she would, which meant she was never really mine. There was never enough money, but plenty of laughs and an amazing family to support me in whatever I tried to do. Everyone turned out healthy and looks to be ok heading into the new year. The year also gave me an awesome, adorable and beautiful new Goddaughter, and I went to Liz and Simon's kick-ass wedding. Like I said, not a bad year. The thing is, I have plans for 2010 that will blow 2009 out of the damn water. So, while some people might have spent last night hoping the clock never strikes midnight, I was instead wishing the 30th was the night we turned clocks ahead. Tell 'em, Ferrara.

It's A Question Of Timing

Sometimes in life you just can't get answers to things, like these two questions:

1. Why is it that the entire day, when there is nothing on TV, the cable picture comes in clear as a bell, but that night - when the game which you actually are interested in the outcome of comes on - that is when the cable decides to become sensitive to wind? Also, how does a cable become sensitive to wind when it is buried underground?

2. Why is it never until 10 minutes after the washing machine has started it's spin cycle when you remember that piece of paper with the phone number that you really need on it is in your pants, which are now in the washing machine? And this happened despite the fact you reminded yourself three times while making tea this morning to double-check your pockets before doing laundry, but then came upstairs and got distracted by silly things, like seeing if the guy in Transformers is the same guy that was in Point Break (it is not).

-There is an often over-looked after-Christmas tradition that must be taken care of every year and I have to say, I've done a pretty good job with it this year. No, it is not the returning or exchanging of gifts, nor is it the self-shopping for all the things you found for yourself while out shopping for other. It is instead the yearly ritual of finding places to put all your new trinkets. You have to find a free shelf space for those new DVDs and books and also closet space for those new shirts. After that it's wall space to hang new pictures and then storage space for all the boxes which can be used to wrap gifts next year. Well, I've gotten it done in timely fashion this holiday season, with just about everything put away before the new year. I guess you could chalk it up as one last Christmas miracle.

That Seems Unlikely

One of the movies that I got for Christmas was the second Transformers movie: Revenge of the Fallen. I have to say, it was a lot better than expected. I would even go so far as to say I liked it better than the first one. I'll admit I was not anticipating Shawshank Redemption-level of acting or writing and that probably helped the movie exceed my expectations. I think it also helped that they seemed to dial back the CGI and focus on the humans a little more. Thus, the Transformers were not nearly as complicated and it was easier to tell just what the hell I was looking at when they started fighting one another. Or, maybe I was just used to it after being a little overwhelmed the first time around. Also, kudos to Michael Bay for trying to organize an actual plot, when in reality he probably could have just gotten away with tons of action, large explosions and no plot whatsoever.

There was one thing that bothered me, though. Megan Fox (good God, is that girl hot) and Shia LaBeouf characters have been dating for two years and we're supposed to believe they just started having sex? Please, they're allegedly two high school teenagers in America. I've seen the news, high schools are more like the Playboy mansion these days [sidebar: good luck with all that, parents]. I'm willing to grant you complicated alien robots that can transform into anything they see and governments being able to keep their existence a secret even in this world of YouTube and camera phones, but 18 year-olds being virgins? Nope, not giving you that one, Hollywood.

-Why is it that Jason Bay signing with the Mets suddenly makes me feel supremely confident that the Red Sox are doing the right thing by letting him leave? If it was the Yankees or even the Angels I feel like I would be sitting here saying to myself, "This is a mistake, they should have offered him that 5th year." Instead, as soon as I saw that Bay was signing with the Mets a wave of calm came over me, as if to say, "Yep, there is something really wrong with that shoulder."

Wait... What?

I'll admit, sometimes I am not the most observant person. Therefore it should not be a huge surprise that the following conversation had to occur yesterday around noon as my uncle was dropping stuff off at the house:

Uncle Mike: When did you guys lose that tree?
Me: What?
Uncle Mike: The tree down in the front yard.
Me: What?
Uncle Mike: You guys lost a tree in the front yard.
Me: You mean, like a big branch?
Uncle Mike: No, a tree. A big one.
Me: Wait, we lost a tree? (I am not my sharpest on Sunday mornings).

A quick walk down to the end of the driveway revealed that we had, in fact, lost one of the big trees that is at the end of the property down by the street. It was especially surprising because there was no snow or severe wind Saturday night. Even if the stump showed a lot of termite damage you would have expected something from nature to finally push it over. From the branches that were still in the street it had obviously fallen that way then been pulled off the road by a town worker who marked the location with a couple orange barrels (didn't see the barrels either - again, not our sharpest morning).

This, of course, led to a big discussion as to just when the hell this happened and why didn't any of us hear it, because by the size of the tree I would have expected a bit of noise. There were people over for a holiday party, they didn't leave until after 1 AM and no one said anything about a tree down. My brother got home around 2 AM and he didn't see it either, so it was after that, but before I got up around 11. So, I've narrowed it down to a 9 hour window... very helpful. We weren't sure whether it was our responsibility or the town's, but had every intention of calling this morning to see which of us was going to be cutting it up.

This is normally the part where I would be showing you a picture of the big tree, but someone from the town showed up with a chainsaw this morning and it was gone by 9 AM. I guess that answers the jurisdiction question. Now, since I gave the town some crap for the plow job near my house last week, I must commend them for the great job they did with tree removal. Other than some lines of sawdust on the sidewalk and a big stump at the start of the property you would have never guessed what happened. But, the moral of this story is that a tree doesn't need to be in the woods to fall and have no one hear it.

I've Seen Too Many Movies

The other night I was meeting some friends at a restaurant. I was the first to arrive and after looking around, but not seeing any of the rest of my party anywhere, I decided to check with the hostess if they were in another room. When I inquired about the people I was supposed to be meeting, she looked at me and said, "Are you Tom? I have a message for you." Having seen as many sci-fi movies as I have, my first thoughts were: "Is is from myself... from the future? Am I in danger?" Actually, no. It was simply that the rest of my group was stuck in a lot of traffic and they were going to be late. So, there was no news about what will happen down the line, just the realization that I probably have to cave in and get a cell phone.

-Dear Indianapolis Colts,
Way to pull your starters early enough in the third quarter against the Jets to blow the game. I know you did it because you want everyone healthy enough to win a Super Bowl, but I got news for you - you're not going to. And you know how I know that? It's because you lack killer instinct. A champion knows that while having the chance to win is nice, the chance to be historic is better. There have been lots of Super Bowl winning teams (even the Colts, in the worst Super Bowl ever played), but only one was undefeated. There is a reason that you have the most regular season wins this decade, but are tied for third in number of Super Bowl wins. It's an organizational flaw. You guys are run by people who hang banners for simply making an AFC Championship game. The fact that you bitched out and rested your starters instead of going for an undefeated season was a stupid move. So, thanks a lot for making us hear about Mercury Morris and a group of crusty old guys for the next week. I can't wait for you to go 14-2 and then lose in the first round of the playoffs.

-I know that Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods are not anywhere near the same level, but I'm just curious to see if TMZ is going to be covering the Sheen arrest with the same vigor and whether or not they will be running a tally to see if Hanes drops Sheen as a spokesperson. I just like things to be equal, is all.

Scenes From Christmas Morning

That's right, it's another cop-out picture post. That'll happen the day after a holiday.

So, here was our tree Christmas morning. Now, last year we had everyone show up at once and the presents took up half the room. This year we were much smarter about it and staggered when people came to the house. Thus, what is under the tree in this picture is only about 20% of the presents that my family exchanged amongst ourselves. We're doing the best we can to stimulate the economy. Honestly, we're Patriots.

When we were younger, stockings contained school supplies. Now it's scratch tickets and nips of Bailey's. Score one for getting older.

To try something new on Christmas morning, we had a make-your-own-omelet station. We used a Paula Dean technique of putting all the fixings in a Zip-Lock bag and then putting the bag into simmering water. Other than taking longer than the recipe book said, they turned out quite good.

These mugs are awesome. There are 6 of them, no two are the same and they only are used Christmas morning. Probably for the best as the handles are not insulated (ow, my thumb).

After that it was time to open more presents, where I made out like a bandit (as always). Here is small sample of the golf equipment I received with a new bag, hat, driver cover and a new driver, which you can see on the other page if you care that much.

Merry Christmas!

I want to wish all of you a Merry Christmas!

Hope you have a safe, wonderful day and
get everything you wrote Santa for.

If you don't celebrate Christmas,
I hope you enjoy all the crowd-free
activities you can today.
(I hear Up In The Air is very good)


Also, I want to wish a very Happy 30th Birthday

to my dear friend, Liz.

Have a Great Lizmas!!

A Labor Of Love

Let me tell you a (not so) little story about some lights...

As I mentioned yesterday, we have these two scotch pines at the back of our yard that I like to wrap lights around. It looks particularly good when I get get it done before the first snowfall of the year. I've always enjoyed the holiday scene of the Christmas tree in the woods with no one around it and no footprints in the snow, so this is my attempt to create that in my own back yard. I've been doing this for years, but this year I decided I wanted to take it up a notch (mistake 1). I'd been using the typical mini-lights that go on most Christmas trees, but I wanted to switch to bigger lights and more of them. Plus, the strands that were on the tree (which I just leave on year-round) were starting to go. Lots of half-strands or strands that were out completely. Now the smaller tree I could leave be, but I felt like I needed to upgrade the big tree.

At first I picked up two boxes of new LED multi-colored lights. I figured since I only do one side of the tree going back and forth that 50 feet would be fine. Turns out 50 feet isn't as far as you think and I didn't make it, but I had one good strand of mini-lights left that would have made it to the top and still managed to connect to the cord which lights the smaller tree. And it looked... ok. The problem with me is that I can't accept things just looking ok. The solution? More lights. So, I went back to the store, got 3 more boxes of LED lights and strung them on the tree (only breaking 3 bulbs in the process - those big lights are not what you would call sturdy). This was enough to get to the top and come all the way back down. So, I plugged it all in and it looked awesome... for 35 seconds. That was when the first fuse blew in the first strand. No big deal, as it was only in the first strand and each set came with a replacement fuse. Well, when the replacement fuse blew I figured that perhaps the problem was a fault in the first set of lights. I mean, what else could it be?

So, I simply took the first string off and reconfigured the lights. I still had plenty of coverage when I turned the lights back on. And those lights stayed on... for a couple hours. That was when the fuse blew in the new first set of lights. At this point I thought that maybe the new lights couldn't take the direct power from the house so I set the lights up again with a strand of mini-lights acting as the first connection between the extension cord and LED lights. When I turned the power on this time the fuses in the mini-lights blew out immediately. Clearly, obviously, the problem had to be with the extension cord. Again, I went back to the store and bought a new 100-foot extension cord (and more fuses). Now, before stepping outside again, I went scientific and tried that first set of lights alone in the house, to see if it was a problem with the strand. When they stayed on for an hour no problem I figured I solved the issue and this would be the last thing I needed to do. I hooked the original strand back up and plugged in the new extension cord. Again, the lights stayed on for 30 second and then blew the fuse. Son of a bitch.

Let's recap: it's not the extension cord or the strands themselves... it must be the outlet, I said to myself. I switched the cord out of that socket and ran it onto our sun porch. This was convenient because that outlet was connect to a light switch so I could also stop using the timer, which was the next thing I would have to try if this didn't work. My dad came out to see how long this experiment was going to last. When I flicked the switch the lights came on, looking great. Normally they would blow out after 30 seconds so when we were at 40 seconds I was feeling pretty good.

Dad: "How long have the lights been staying on for before the fuses blow?" (lights immediately go out upon completion of that sentence.)
Me: (deep sigh) "That long."

Alright, it's not the strands, the outlet or the extension cord. Maybe LED lights just suck (that would explain why they were on such good sale). I decided to go back to the book that came with the lights [editor's note: this is the part where my father will be talking to the screen saying, "You should have done this first. Why do none of my children read directions?"] It said that you could string up to 60 lights together. Did they mean 60 strands of lights? That had to be it, right? I mean, they couldn't mean just 60 lights total. They come in strands of 25. What good is setting up a maximum number of lights and then not making strands in a number divisible by that maximum number? Also, that only works out to two strands. What good are only two strands of lights to anybody? That won't make it around a good-sized tree and if you've got huge bulbs on a small tree you're just weird.

Still, I decided to see if that was really what the problem was. I put an outdoor power strip (that we miraculously had at the house - no more trips to the hardware store for me!) at the end of the extension cord and ran the plugs to that. No strand was more than two sets long. Now, it was not very convenient to have to have all the strands have to begin from one location, but last night I turned them on and they stayed on for the night, so I guess the number of strands that I tried to string together was really the problem. You can see the results at the bottom of this post.

Morals of the story:
1. If something is doing just fine you should leave it be.
2. Read the directions for God's sake.

25 Christmas Questions

I stole this from Liz, who stole it from Kim. Feel free to steal it from me.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Always wrapping paper at Christmas, no matter how awkward the dimensions may be. (Do you know how hard is it to wrap a hexagonal box? I do.) However, the rest of the year I will throw a Rubik's cube into a gift bag in any other present-giving situation.

2. Real tree or Artificial? We do both, but I prefer the real one if only for the smell.

3. When do you put up the tree? Normally it's a couple weeks prior to Christmas, on whatever date falls on the weekend, but we were late this year.

4. When do you take the tree down? First or second weekend after the New Year. Depends on how it's holding up.

5. Do you like egg nog? Not in excess, but yeah, a glass or two. Bailey's is better and just as festive.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Might have been the lazer-shooter (it was not the brand name Lazer Tag, but it was close enough) that my brother and I got matching ones to shoot each other with. Or it could have been any of the many, many G.I. Joe vehicles I got as I built my army.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My parents. My mom doesn't want anything and gives the worst suggestions for herself ("Oh, I need paper plates, because the party after Madeline's Christening is going to be at our house. They're at Star Market, 50 for $2, get me 150 and split the cost with Jason."), while my Dad will give the same gift idea to 5 people so it's a race to get that one thing first.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Either of my brother-in-laws. They could have been done months ago.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, it's actually very nice and hand-painted. There used to be fights between me and Amy to put baby Jesus in the manger on Christmas day, which I think sums up the spirit of Christmas rather nicely.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I don't send Christmas cards, but my mom mails the family ones.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Nothing springs to mind, though I'm sure when I was younger someone probably got me dress shirts or a sweater in an attempt to class me up, and those were never worn.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf, A Muppet Christmas Carol, Albert Finney's Scrooge.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I start thinking of ideas before Thanksgiving, then a couple weeks before Christmas I'll take a day during the middle of the week to try to get all my shopping done in one or two trips to the mall. I refuse to drag the process out.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Not that I can remember, though I might have used a gift card someone gave me to buy something for another person.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? We call them cyclops. They are peanut butter cookies with a Hershey's Kiss in the middle. Also, chocolate covered peanut butter balls (notice a theme)?

16. Lights on the tree? multi-colored on the real tree, white on the fake one. But, more pressing issue: why is this a question? Who says no to this? Who doesn't put lights on their tree? If you don't put lights on a Christmas tree, you just have a large plant in your house.

17. Favorite Christmas song? This is hard, cause I like to hear a lot of Christmas music once the calendar hits about December 10th. Current favorites include Josh Groban's "Oh Holy Night" (and, in a shocking development, I am not a housewife in her 50's) and The Pogues "Fairytales of New York". Also, due to it's so-bad-its-good nature, I love a little song my sister discovered while living in D.C. called "Christmas Eve In Washington." [editor's note: you can hit cancel when it asks you to load the language pack and the song still plays, no problem.]

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I travel... the 4 blocks to my aunt and uncle's house.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes, but I need to speak in the rhythm of the song to do so.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have a Santa on top of the real tree, Angel on the fake one.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning, but we don't even put presents under the tree until Christmas Eve, as I only have the self-control to stare at un-opened presents for a few hours.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Children who's parents have stopped trying to control them near the toy section, drivers who tailgate their way out when I only wanted to let one person go (they are also the ones who never wave), people who think snow on the ground is an excuse to park their cars in three spaces and people who stop in the middle of aisles, managing to position themselves in everyone's way. Of course, they annoy me year round, so a holiday-specific one is people who write X-Mas when they mean Christmas.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? We have two scotch pine trees growing at the back of our yard that I put Christmas lights around. It's a decoration that only my family sees, and I make it my personal mission every December to make sure they look good... (I may have more on this tomorrow.)

24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Turkey. I hate ham and I don't know why anyone would ruin Christmas by having a ham when there is a food like turkey available.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A new driver, a cover for that driver, a couple polo shirts, some DVDs and books. I'm pretty easy to buy for.

Totally Trippy

Growing up, I was what the kids today would call "straight edge." Perhaps it was the narc-vibe that I gave off, or maybe I was just a dork, but I've never taken any recreational drugs. Didn't even get offered until I was 26. To be honest, at this point I wouldn't even know how to get them; I wouldn't know where to go, who to talk to and I'm sure there is some level of protocol that I would just be unfamiliar with (not that I'm looking to take up drugs at 29). The reason I bring it up is, because of my rather low-tolerance for any kind of drug any thing added to my body that wouldn't make normal people bat an eyelash can send my system spinning. I have been fighting a cold for the last couple of days and, in an attempt to not have this cold get any worse, I've been taking some cough medicine before bed each night. What has followed has been nights filled with incredibly vivid dreams. I'm talking lots of action, deep plots and special effects that would make James Cameron blush. Upon waking up, I find my pillows thrown around the room. Now, I don't remember the dreams once I wake up but, still, for that half-second after my eyes open I'm convinced I just watched the best movie ever.

-While I was driving around doing errand the last couple days I noticed a new trend and I think it's time we all talked about how stupid it is. Somewhere along the line people decided that it would look cool to take stickers that looked like bullet holes and put them all over their cars. Apparently, it's supposed to make the driver seem hardcore enough to be shot at. While that's all well and good, and white kids from the suburbs trying to seem like tough kids from the streets is nothing new, perhaps if you want to have "bullet holes" on the back of your parents' Range Rover you should first peel off the window cling from the local prep school. I hardly think people from Xaverian ever get shot at. In fact, I contend they could go to Iraq and not get shot at.

-Dear United States Postal Service: I always hear that you are losing ground to FedEx and UPS and now I know why. Far be it from me to tell you how to run this government agency, but when it's the week of Christmas (which I would imagine is the busiest time of the year for you) maybe you shouldn't just have two people behind the counter during the lunch-time rush. Also, perhaps you should considered having people with a little zip in their step back there, versus people who are in no great rush to help people with their shipping needs. It could really make the whole operation go a lot faster.

It's A Winter Wonderland

So, you may not have heard, but it snowed around here (it got some minor news coverage). I figured those of you who may not get enough of the white stuff would enjoy some pictures from aftermath. Turned out to be much ado about nothing, as the storm only brought the light, fluffy snow. It's easy enough to move, the problem is finding someplace to put it all once you have.

When the snow is this light the wind can move it around pretty easily, so even though it snowed for 14 hours, we still had bare spots like on the back deck.

Of course, that snow was going to land somewhere, so other places like on our cars had over two feet of snow.


At least it left us with a lovely holiday scene with the Christmas lights.


The day was not without casualties, as my window cling could not survive the wind and snow anymore. The Irish are now only fighting from the waist down.

I have to admit, this is a good-looking way to ride out the storm. Nice tree, roaring fire... it's a holiday scene if I've ever seen one. Add some hot chocolate with Bailey's and you've got yourself a fine time.

Here's how I spent some of the day, playing Wii Golf, which may be the only way I can play any golf around here until April-ish when all this snow finally melts. (That's a lie, I'm totally playing winter golf on my birthday).

You Can't Deny Our Combined Power

I've talked before about the fact that everyone feels the need to tell me their life story. Something about me makes people assume I want to know every detail of their life. I find it really comes out at the holidays, because I'm in more stores and see more people. Now, I am not the only person in my family to have this power - in fact, it is family-wide. The problems really start to arise when I'm out in public with either of my sisters. When that happens I'm surprised that people don't just break out slide shows of their families, just so we can have faces to go with the names. It's really amazing how it always happens. So, in all honesty, I should not have been surprised with what happened the other day when I was out with my sister, Amy.

We were in Casual Male XL, making good use of the discount I still get from fit modeling for them a couple times. The guy in front of us answered his phone, talked for a minute, then turned around and launched into telling us how his 4-year-old daughter runs his life, he never thought he would get married or have kids, but then he met his wife, whom he had "hook up with" briefly 20 years prior when they both were in college (him at BC, her at Northeastern), then they reconnected and dated for 6 years before she began to talk about marriage and now they have the one daughter and believe me, they're done with the one. I mean, he loves his daughter and he always thought about having a son, but his wife doesn't want any more kids. All the while Amy and I are just standing there, trying to pay so we can leave. Really, I just wanted to save 30% on a shirt, I didn't need to know all this.

-The only other thing guaranteed with me, other than someone telling me their life story, is that while I am out shopping at Christmas, someone will ask me to get them an item off the top shelf. It will happen every time, without fail. Now, I'm happy to do it, but there is a line. Yesterday as I was attempting to get my Christmas shopping done when a lady asked me to get her a toy off the top shelf. I got it down, but she wanted a different one, because that box had a slight dent. I must have taken down 4 of these things before it dawned on this lady that I didn't work there and really, stop being so damn picky.

-You ever have the experience when you are holiday shopping of bring up an item to the register and it rings up way cheaper than you were expecting? Yesterday I was buying a couple things and one item rang up so cheap that when the cashier told me my total I thought he missed scanning it in. Suddenly you're in a moral dilemma; you wouldn't want to take advantage of the kid because he could get into trouble. On the other hand, it's not like my contribution is going to make that big a difference in Target's profits this season. Still, I'm a dork, so I made sure he had scanned it in at the right price. Apparently it was just on super-sale. At least now I can rest easy knowing that I'm not giving someone a 'hot' gift this Christmas.

How To Buy A Christmas Tree

Every year I take my Christmas tree shopping very seriously. To me it is the absolute symbol of the holiday and if I get a bad one, then it can really put a damper on the festivities (good presents help soften the blow, but still). Now, last year my father and I found our tree in record time. It was literally the first tree we pulled off of the stack and it was probably one of the best trees we have ever had: tall, full and with lots of space underneath for presents. But, just because we got lucky last year that didn't mean we could be any less diligent this time around. There is a protocol to this, and I'll share it with you now:

1. Loyalty will be rewarded. We've gotten our Christmas tree at the same place for over 10 years now. We always end up with a good one, so why mess with a winning streak? My mom wants to try someplace new every year, but I don't believe in her logic. Think about - if you found the best place to buy meat from, would you keep checking other delis?

2. Never buy the first tree you see. Take a walk up and down a couple aisles. Enjoy the experience. Now, in extraordinary circumstances you may buy the first tree you seriously look at (see: first paragraph), but never the first one that is in the aisle. People who don't really like Christmas and just want to get this over with are the ones who pick up that tree.

3. Bigger is better. "Tom, why would I look at an 8-foot tree when I only have 7-foot ceilings?" Because, you can subtract some branches and base a lot easier than you can add extra tree to an already cut one. If you find a great tree but it happens to be a tiny bit too tall, so what? You must have a saw around your place somewhere. Really, it's not Christmas if the ornament on top isn't slightly tilted because it's hitting the ceiling. The alternative is getting the tree home and realising you could have gone higher and that just sucks.

4. Take Her for a spin. I can not stress this enough - spin your tree 360 degrees. Take a step back and have someone else spin it for you so you can really take it all in. Make sure that there are not too many dead branches or open spots (When doing this take into account the settling factor). You can have up to 20% of the tree be a "bad" side. That will be the side against the wall. Any more than 20% and you risk people seeing that bad side.

5. Stalking is A-OK. Someone else always has a tree that looks better than anything you have had in your hands so far. Walking behind them and waiting for them to take both hands off the tree is not only OK, I would feel shame for you if you didn't. This isn't like the latest toy in Toys R Us - you only get one of these each year and you need to make it count. You can usually tell the people who are about to put a tree back, too, because one of the two people always has a comment about it being just 'not quite right' (the fool). Those are the people who are about to cave; stick near them if you want their tree.

6. Don't forget "the handshake." Yeah, you may pay a lot for your tree, but don't forget the poor guys who have been standing in 20 degree weather all day. I love the discrete-tip handshake and wish I could use it more in my everyday life, only I don't go to that many nice restaurants. Anyways, it's four folds of the money from left to right and then you hold it in place against your palm with tip of your thumb. Then a casual "Merry Christmas" with your hand extended, release the money as you grasp his hand and as you let go of the handshake the money slides right into the other guys open palm.

Once you get the tree home, don't forget to use warm water to encourage the tree to open up and release that great Christmas tree smell. Also give the branches a couple hours to fully settle before you put ornaments on. Then just sit back and admire your tree.

Happy Hunting.

Sock It To Me

Whenever you buy anything in a group, you run the risk that they will all start to fail at the same time down the line. This could be the rule for anything from apples to underwear. Now, in my case, the issue I'm having is with socks. In the past couple of weeks I have had to throw out 4 pairs of socks as they have all developed thin spots and ultimately holes in the bottom within a couple days of each other (mostly the heel as apparently I walk heavily heel-to-toe). At first I thought it was rather annoying, but as I was putting new socks into my drawer I realised that I'm adding a bundle as I lose a bundle, so it works out just the like the sock industry wants it to. Now, when we were younger we were told that if we weren't good around Christmas instead of presents all we would get was socks and a pen. Turns out that even though I have been pretty good this year and I've got plenty of good pens, I could use the socks.

-Apparently there are several faculty members at the University of Texas who are unhappy that Mack Brown, the head football coach, was given a substantial raise a week ago as his base salary jumped from $2 million annually to $5 million a year. Now, they do have a point as UT is a state school, the state still has not fully recovered from a down economy and a guy making $2 million a year is not exactly starving. However last year the football team, through marketing deals, merchandise sales, tickets, TV contracts and bowl bonuses made $87 million dollars. This year they should do even better as they are in the National Championship game. Should they win that they could be looking more in the neighborhood of $100 million dollars, which is a nice neighborhood to be in. Basically, until the science department can boast 9-figure profits to add to the school's budget the faculty needs to shut the hell up.

-I get that the Colts are 14-0 and that is very impressive. However, they have 7 comeback wins this year and are skating on one hell of a razor's edge. For some reason I just get a vibe from this team like they are destined go 16-0 and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. Given the way they are teetering I would feel much more confident if I were a Chargers fan. You can only toe that line so many times before stepping over.

Why Do I Keep Getting Sucked In?

As much as I enjoy playing the game with my buddies, I hate watching poker on TV. I find all the "stars" to be really annoying and whiny, the commentary to be un-funny and the drama contrived. And the way players celebrate when they catch a card on the river is comical - they didn't do a damn thing to warrant such a reaction. They didn't train, they couldn't play defense - they just stood there with a stupid look on their face and got lucky. There is a reason they call it gambling. The main thing I'm rooting for with every telecast is a gas leak. Every time I turn to ESPN and see that poker is on I wonder if there isn't a Division 3 basketball game that could be shown instead. But, at the same time, I'll stay on the channel for a few minutes and watch a couple hands.

Why do I fall for this, time and time again? I think it has to do with the fact that the tournament is pre-taped and edited for time weeks in advance. Playing poker can be boring in person if no one catches any cards for an extended period and you just start passing the blinds around. Watching it in those circumstances must be excruciating. What ESPN does is cut those hands out, so you only see the hands where something happens. It really speeds the whole thing up. I wish I could do this in real life. The other factor that pre-taping helps is knowing when the show will end, which is very convenient. The last two minutes of a football game can last for 45 minutes. If you turn on a poker tournament at 11:58 and one guy is short-stacked and goes all in, you know he's about to lose. This will be wrapped up at 12 o'clock, no matter what the guy catches on the flop. That is just a handy bit of information to have. If they only showed the cards and not the people then all our problems would be solved.

-So, my sister and her husband have been trying to sell their house without much luck. They received a couple nibbles, but nothing serious and had resigned themselves to renting the place out for the time being. But, last weekend my mom gave them a St. Joseph statue to bury in their yard. They buried the statue on Saturday and received a formal offer on Monday, which they accepted. Chalk another victory up for Irish Voodoo.

-Happy 61st Birthday, Dad!!

Waiting In Line Ramblings

I try to get all my holiday shopping done in one trip, two at the most. That's why I like to have a plan of attack going in, because I don't want to be wandering around the mall, just searching and waiting for inspiration to strike. Also, when I do these one or two trips I try to plan it so I can go during the middle of the week, cause I feel like the crowds are not as thick and it's a little easier to handle then. However, yesterday I realised there is a major flaw in my logic; one that I should have seen coming, because it is based on my own theory - the Strip Club rule.

I've talked about the Strip Club rule before. Basically the theory boils down to this: retail stores are just like strip clubs, in that the best and brightest talent are not going to be working the mid-day shift on a Tuesday. This shift is filled by any warm body that they can trick into working a dead shift in exchange for giving them a much better shift or even a day off on a later date. But, the ones who truly suffer are the consumers, because the service is way down. The staff isn't as knowledgeable and they don't put the same gusto into their work as the people who work the prime-time shifts. Today I was standing in line because the two people working the register were incredibly slow and one of the women could not, for the life of her, figure out how to fold a gift box. I'm willing to bet if I was in the mall on Saturday the A-Team would be working and those gift boxes would have been pre-folded to speed things up. It's just the little attention to detail that separates the Tuesday noon shift from the people who get the big Friday afternoon one.

-Speaking of lines, I get that stores deliberately have slow cashiers on sometimes. I worked in retail for a couple years, so I know this is because they want you to stand there for a little longer and have the time to think about picking up those last-second impulse items near the register. That's why everything near the registers is cheap. But, I would like them to work on hiding it a little better. Today I was in Victoria's Secret trying to buy a gift and there were only two women behind the counter, which had enough registers for 5 people. At one point two other people showed up behind the counter, but they didn't ring anyone up; they just sort of stood there and milled around. And during all this the line was crazy - in fact, it was worse than crazy because this store had not decided to add the little Disney World/airport-like temporary rope dividers that a lot of stores do this time of year (I don't like those things. It's like you're walking to go on a ride, only you don't get to go on Pirates of the Caribbean - you just give someone money). Instead they had three shelves of makeup in front of the counter. The result was people not knowing where to go, trying to make their own lines, randomly cutting people who had been there first and generally not leading to peace on Earth or goodwill towards men. But, yes we all had time to think about adding a few extra pieces of makeup to our purchase, so I guess it was mission accomplished.

-One last thought about the Victoria's Secret store layout, as I have another theory: the amount a store is willing to make you stand in line is directly proportional to what they are trying to sell you. The cooler their items, the more they know you will be willing to put up with the annoyance of standing there. Best Buy? Long lines because electronics are cool. Victoria's Secret? If a guy is in there with a woman it removes the pervert factor and he can spend all day standing around and soaking in the sights. But, the Calendar Store? You'd better hurry up and ring my tab, cause I can get this stuff anywhere. It even works outside of retail. Why do you think they don't care how long you wait at the DMV? It's because you need a license a hell of a lot more than they need another person on the road. Supply and demand at its finest.

Well, That Was Quick

One of the reasons that I don't enjoy sports talk radio anymore is because the only people who make the effort to call into those shows are the people that take their sports way too seriously. They are the crazies who have time to wait on hold for 45 minutes, when they know they will only be allowed to say three sentences about Randy Moss before the host cuts them off and their time in the spotlight is over. As a result they really try to make those three sentences count by blurting out the most off-kilter thing they can think of. Their insanity make for amusing radio, but really reflect badly back on human society. Now, I love sports, but I like to think that I can rationalise things enough to not go too far to one extreme versus another. That's why I'm not calling for Randy Moss's head today.

For those of you who may not be Patriot fans, earlier this week Randy Moss was one of four players who were late for team meetings and were then sent home as a punishment. He followed that up on Sunday by playing what was easily his worst game with the team, only catching one pass, fumbling that catch away right after and was seen playing less than enthusiastically the rest of the game. This, of course, means that now Randy Moss has gone from a surefire Hall-of-Famer to a guy who needs to be jettisoned from the team tomorrow, lest he do anymore damage to a team that is struggling as it heads towards the postseason. In the span of 5 days he went from loved wideout who caught a record number of touchdowns just two seasons ago, to a typical diva player who is tearing the team apart from within. It's amazing how quick sports fans are to turn on players nowadays.

-For 363 days of the year, I have a standing policy about ladders: if I can't fix it from the ground then I probably don't need to do that thing. The only exception are the two days when I put up and then take down Christmas lights. Now, this year there was even more reason to be up there because my parents just replaced the shrubs in front of the house a couple months ago and they haven't come close to growing out yet. As a result we can put the wreaths on the windows for the first time in years which means extra ladder time. Though I have to say, it's a little touch, but it makes a big difference.

Ease Up There, Chuckles

I've always had a tremendous respect for stand-up comedians. First off, I love going to comedy clubs - I find it to be a great night out. Secondly, it takes tremendous balls to stand up in front of a group of people and try to make them laugh. Because if you fail, I can only imagine that it must be terrible. You know when you're in front of a group of friends and you're telling a story you find to be really funny, only when you get halfway through you realise, "Crap, this isn't nearly as funny as it was in my head. They are not going to get the humor of Dave stepping in a puddle of beer. They don't know Dave and they don't understand he just bought those shoes." It's an awful, sinking feeling. Well, imagine that feeling multiplied by 1,000 and it happening in front of total strangers instead of your friends. That is the risk comedians take every night. But with that said, I could do without the self-important comedians that seem to dot the landscape.

No, comedy is not easy, but at the same time comedians are not curing cancer, nor are they teaching America's youth. I can not stand the comedians who are out on stage trying to act all edgy as if their comedy is more important than what other guys are doing. "What you're doing is hackey, what I do is groundbreaking and important." They rail against the comedians who have jokes in their act about airline food, but two minutes after putting those guys down they'll launch into their bit about how great popcorn is. It's this grandiose way of looking at themselves which creates a double-standard that never fails to drive me crazy. I get that most comedians are just looking for a chance to put someone else down after being the butt of jokes for most of their youth, but you would think they would remember that the people who used to put them down were, in actuality, dumb assholes who never learned how to develop comedic timing past the point of giving someone a purple nurple. Comedy comes from that very adversity.

The most frequent target is, of course, Carrot Top. And no, I don't find Carrot Top to be funny, but jees, at least he's honest about what he is. Clearly, the guy has an audience. I only bring this up because I was listening to an old Howard Stern clip the other day and this comedian was talking about every comedian hates Carrot Top for being a prop comic and selling out. Not 15 minutes later I was flipping around and there was that same comedian doing one of VH1's I Love... list shows. Not exactly what I would call railing against corporate America. Then again, I'm sure VH1 has very good popcorn in the green room.

-Speaking of people with huge egos, I really feel like Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 1 yesterday, early in the first quarter and near mid-field, was a statement. It was a statement to the team, to the fans and to the rest of the NFL. That statement? "I'm Bill Belichick, I've won 3 Super Bowls as a head coach, 2 more as an assistant and I don't care what you all think, I'm not changing the way I do things. You can kiss my ass if you think I should punt. You know what? I'll even admit that I probably should punt, but that just makes my decision to go for it all the more egotistical." Really, he would have been less subtle had he signalled in the play with a double middle finger salute. I can see why the rest of the NFL can't stand him... and why this town loves him.

Shut Your Mouth, Double Your Money

When I was making my DVD and label last week, one of the things I had to investigate was where I could find an empty case to put them into. As it turns out, it's harder to do than you think, because everyone today is pushing either the slim DVD cases or advocates using a CD case to put movies into. Well, I'm not a big fan of either of those, so I kept an eye out for some generic, empty DVD cases. The staff at the local Wal-Mart, by the way, was less than helpful in my quest. I found a place online to buy them and while 5 cases would only cost me $10, shipping would be another $5. There has to be a store around here that would have them in stock so I don't have to pay to ship a package that would weigh less than a pound.

Anyway, as I was standing in line at another store, I started looking at the crappy items that they put near the registers in an attempt to make you buy something on impulse, hoping you will make it home before you realise that even though you only paid $4 for a full-screen copy of Lord of the Rings, it still wasn't a good deal. That's when it dawned on me: I could just buy a terrible movie, take out the label, toss the DVD and keep the case. I ended up passing because now that I know how easy it is, I feel like I'm about to go on a DVD-making binge and might need a few empty cases. However, was doing the math on the way home and realised that if could get 5 cases for $15, that works out to $3 a case. A bad movie, which I would get only for the case, would cost me $4. So, if these movie studios hadn't spend a single cent on cast, crew, production, editing and marketing, not only would their costs be down, they would be making only $1 less in profit. From that, I must assume the empty case business is booming.

-You ever want to see a holiday party come to a screeching halt? Have a two year-old walk into the room and declare that she can't find her juicy cup. The next 10-15 minutes will feature everyone pausing their conversations to look under tables, chairs, plants, coats and literally crawling on the floor to locate the juice cup, because we couldn't possibly drink out of a blue cup if the green cup is in the house somewhere. As if you needed more proof that the next generation is in charge.

-I wasn't surprised that Ndamakong Suh, the Nebraska defensive tackle, didn't win the Heisman trophy last night. I would say the only surprising fact was that he didn't finish last in the voting. You need to be a defensive force at a glamour position like cornerback to win the Heisman and d-tackles fly too far under the radar to generate the buzz needed to pull of an historic win. It was kind of a weird year for the Heisman, cause it seemed like no one really wanted to distinguish themselves from the rest of the pack. All it took was three good weeks and you were suddenly a Heisman finalist. Contrast that against the last couple of years, when I doubt Suh would have even been invited to New York.

An Unsung Hero

This morning my house was in full search mode as we attempted to find a tool specifically designed to score wallpaper (Amy and Matt want to strip away pretty much all the wallpaper on the first floor of their new home). Now, the workshop is a mess, so we were lucky when we found the wallpapering supplies at all, but also not shocked when the scoring tool wasn't among those supplies. I know we had one of these things, because I remember using it, I just don't know when that was. It could have been two years ago or it could just as easily have been six. The theory was then that since we hadn't had to remove any wallpaper around here in a while, we must have lent it out to someone else. So, we started calling around, which is when I realised there is a piece of technology that doesn't get nearly enough credit: the phonebook feature of most phones.

Do you remember back when you had to remember every phone number on your own, or at least write them all down in a little book that was near the phone? Me neither, but that just proves how long this valuable little tweak to phones has gone unrecognized. I have people that I call every week, but if you put a gun to my head and demanded their number, I couldn't help you. I can currently only recite about four phone numbers from memory - one of them is my home phone number, two of the others are numbers for people I don't even talk to anymore and the third is for Giant Glass (it's a very catchy slogan they have). So, thank you phonebook feature of my phone - you have saved my brain the energy of learning phone numbers and instead freed it to learn important facts like the names of the six NBA players who have scored their 20,000th point while playing for the Boston Celtics.

-The editor in me really likes it when I hit the spell-check feature of most document software and am greeted with "No Misspellings Found." However, the juvenile side of me likes it even more when I so poorly spell a word that the spell-check has no idea what I was even going for. There is a weird sense of satisfaction to know that I have stumped a computer program with practically every word entered into it.

The Sum Of The Sports Quickie Parts

Again, none of these are good enough to get their own post, but clump 'em together and it looks a little better...

-Something tells me this latest recruiting scandal involving Tennessee and a group of 'hostesses' known as Orange Pride will be treated around the SEC (and, really, all of college football) in the same manner as SpyGate was handled by the rest of the teams in the NFL. Everyone does it, only one team got caught doing it. So yes, you'll hear head coaches and administrators publicly come out and say that they would never, ever condone such practices at their school, but the fervor will be kept down because the last thing any of these people want to do is lean too far into the self-righteous light of things. It's when you have the prime soundbite on SportsCenter that people who are in the know will start creeping out of the woodwork and pointing that spotlight right back at those school who act above this sort of thing. It's always the righteous who end up falling next.

-Adalius Thomas needs to be quiet. He's probably correct when he said that sending a guy home for being late is something that should stop being done after grade school, but Thomas hasn't done nearly enough in his time in New England to assume he can tell Belichick anything. Right now he looks to be about the worst free-agent signing of Bill's tenure here and the main reason the Patriots defense is struggling. So, if he's expecting the fans to rally behind him and against Belichick he is going to be sorely mistaken.

-So, Brian Kelly, congrats on getting the Notre Dame head coaching gig. Now, given the talent you are being left on offense, I don't think 8 wins is out of the question next season. Also, that should mean BCS Bowl by year 3. Welcome to the world of ridiculous expectations.

-I'm a little sad to see Mike Lowell get traded away, especially when the Sox get almost nothing back in return (oh good, another guy who catches and plays first, which means he doesn't do either well enough to be exclusive to one position... we only have 3 more guy like that). The Lowell contract on the heels of his World Series MVP was probably based more on fan reaction than what made sense for the team long-term so you can bet Theo won't ever fall for that one again. However, if they can pry Adrian Gonzalez away from the Padres then this makes much more sense. Still, Lowell should get a healthy applause when he returns with the Rangers.

-Tracy McGrady is currently receiving enough fan votes that he could start for the Western Conference All-Star team this February. For those of you who may not follow basketball, I feel compelled to point out that Tracy has yet to play a game this season. This is, of course, China's fault. They love Yao Ming and thus vote for any Rocket on the ballot. Just proves why fan voting should not be a determining factor for the All-Star game.

-Barry Bonds' agent is saying that after not playing baseball since 2007, it looks like Barry has retired. Since today is apparently "State Things We Already Know" Day, I would like you all to know that I, after not using one since 1999, I officially retire from the world of hackey-sack.

I Love This Part

The perk of having about 40 movie channels is that they don't just show the newest of the new stuff on 4 hour loops; they will show some older movies that have stood the test of time and are accepted as pretty good (they also show lots of bad movies - ones which I don't know why they ever see the light of day, but that is another post for another day). Re-watchability is a big factor with me. Re-watchability leads to being able to jump into good movies whenever they are on and staying until the end (Shawshank Redemption and Jaws are two of the best examples of movies that will bring my current activities to a screeching halt).

But, then there is the other type of movie - the ones where you just want to watch until a certain moment and then you can turn the channel and go about your day. Sports movies often fall into this category, because all you really need to see is the climactic game. But, there are lots of other movies like this from different genres, where I just need to see one scene and then we can go. For example, the other night Point Break was on, which I have discussed in this space before. Normally I can do without the first hour and half but I caught it perfectly, only seeing the last 10 minutes, which includes the classic 'jump out of a plane without a parachute' scene. Here are ten more that spring to mind:

• Ronin. A very good movie that you should see at least once. But, after that you are good to go - further viewings aren't really necessary. However, the car chase in Nice is awesome and I have to watch this movie when I know it's coming up.
  
• Across The Universe. I will either checkout after "Come Together" or try to just catch "All You Need Is Love." I can take or leave the songs in the middle.
  
• Master and Commander. I only need to see the opening battle. After that you can have the remote back.
  
• Knocked Up. Just until the moment when Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan are stoned in Vegas discussing chairs. "The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll."
  
• Tombstone. I love this movie. But, I own it on DVD so if we're pressed for time I don't have to watch the whole thing... simply the last shootout between Doc Holliday and Johnny Ringo.
  
• Rocky IV. This movie only needed to be 20 minutes long from start to finish. Just show me from when Rocky lands in Russia to the national anthems before the big fight.
  
• A Few Good Men. Honestly, how can you change the channel when you know the final court room scene is moments away?
  
• Superman Returns. Not classic cinema by any stretch, but I think the scene when Superman catches the plane as it falls back to Earth is visually very impressive.
  
• Zoolander. "Why male models?" "Are you serious? I just explained the whole thing to you."
  
• Rudy. Normally I demand a full viewing, but, if you catch me anytime before the team starts turning in their jerseys you can pry me away. If I hear "I want Rudy to dress in my place" well, then you'd better make a later reservation.

Saving Money But Hurting My Neck

I'll admit, I am off my game this year. Normally by this late in the holiday season I have a solid Christmas gift list assembled for what I plan to get everyone and I've made a healthy dent into it. But, this year, I am just coming up blank. I have several people still to buy for and no idea what to get the majority of them. So, as is my tradition, I did a little scouting yesterday after an interview in the hopes that inspiration would strike. It did not. In fact, the only good find of the day was a gift for myself.

After last week's successful DVD creation I felt the need to go one step further and create a professional looking label to go on the DVD case that would allow it to blend seamlessly into the rest of my library (told you, I like stupid projects). I figured I would just have to go into a computer store for DVD label paper. Imagine my surprise when I was in Marshall's (seriously, that is my favorite store next to sporting goods stores - it's like a treasure trove, you never know what you will find) and saw that they had packs of 15 DVD label paper for $4 and it was half off. So, for $2 I would not only get the labels, they had a website for free label design software. I came home, uploaded the application and began to make my awesome looking case. Only one problem: the software was truly basic and wouldn't allow you to adjust the landscape of the template, so the entire time I was working on the DVD label it was set up as vertical, not horizontal. While that came in handy for writing on the spine of the DVD, the rest of the time I had to turn my head 90 degrees to the left to see what I was trying to type. And, while I ended up with a very nice looking DVD, I also got a severe crick in my neck. What did I expect for $2 software?

-Sports radio is buzzing in Boston today with the news that four Patriots (Randy Moss, Adalius Thomas, Gary Guyton and Derrick Burgess) were late for an early morning team meeting and were sent home as a result. This, to me, is a sign that Bill is slipping in his old age. I've never understood coaches who think that giving someone time away from practice is a punishment. "How dare you be late! You know what your punishment is? The entire day off. No running or repetitive stretching for you! Go home and sleep or spend time with your kids playing video games. That'll show you!" He should be fining the crap out of them or making them stay late with extra running. Sending people home so that they miss additional meetings and practice is not the answer when the team is in the midst of their first true losing streak in 3 seasons and clearly needs all the practice time they can get.

That's Stupid... Does It Come In Blue?

The other day my dad was sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through all the various catalogs we get because he too would like to know why we get so many. At the time he was looking at the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which features a lot of little gizmos and gadgets that you would never think to buy any other time but Christmas. That is when the following conversation took place:

Dad: Who needs this stuff? Nothing in here is for normal people. Really, who are the people who buy these products? Look at this, a [REDACTED]. Who would ever use that?
Mom: Wait, how much is it? I have [REDACTED] in the grab this year and I could get him that. I bet he would get some use out of it.
Dad: It's $30.
Mom: Perfect, I'll order that for him.

So, as it turns out, we are those people.

-Ok, so I know last week I said I wasn't going to talk about this Tiger Woods story any further, but as more and more women come out of the woodwork it's too big to ignore anymore. I will say this about the man: he's willing to give anyone a try. These women have been both blond and brunette, younger and older than him, of a couple different ethnic backgrounds and run the professional scope from waitress at a pancake house to porn star. Given that nine have already come out I can only assume that nine more will, giving him one for every hole on a golf course (or at least five more so he can have one for every major championship).

At this point I have two pieces of advice for Tiger. First, release the full list of names of every girl you've cheated with. Get it over with and try to minimize the damage that they can do individually by making TMZ cover them all at once. This will prevent any fame-hungry liars from popping up, get the truth out there and stop new allegations from trickling out every couple of weeks (this is also what MLB should do with their steroid list.) He wants some distance between himself and this scandal by the time the Masters rolls around. Secondly, do not go on Oprah. The last thing you want is to be sitting in a room with your pissed-off wife and 400 other pissed-off females, none of whom will be all that interested in hearing a damn thing you have to say. Nothing good can come of it. Speaking of nothing good can come of it, I have no idea why Woods is trying to re-work his pre-nup to give Elin more money if she stays two more years. Normally I'm against divorce, especially when there are children involved, but... dude, c'mon. You've been married for five years and apparently cheating the entire time. Clearly you aren't the marrying kind, so why not be thankful you had a good lawyer and cut your losses?

One last comment from Stephen, then I'm done.

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Tiger's Tale
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You're Ruining Our Rep

I've talked about this before, but I always get annoyed when news stations camp out in the shovel aisle of the local hardware store waiting for the first snow of the season. Sure, it's an easy story to throw together and I get they just want to kill three minutes of the broadcast without actually doing much work. Trust me, if the last year of doing this blog has taught me anything it's that it's not easy to come up with something different to talk about each day. Still, the fact that we have to see the same story every single year bores me. This season we'd been able to avoid it for a lot longer, because we've had a very mild fall. That just meant the stations were desperate to cover this story, so any amount of snowfall was going to be news.

Saturday night we were scheduled for the first snow of the season, an overnight deal that would net us a few inches of powder. (We ended up getting only a couple inches of light, fluffy snow. It was barely anything, and because it was already warming by early morning I didn't have to shovel at all. My neighbor, on the other hand, felt the need to break out the snow blower at 8 o'clock in the morning. It's going to be a long winter living next to that guy.) However, the fact that there could be snow at all meant the news trucks were at Home Depot and one woman, who was very happy to be on camera, was going over all the things she had to buy - she was getting a new shovel, 3 bags of rock salt and various tools for spreading that rock salt. Again, I'll ask: what do you do with this stuff after last winter? Also, it's two inches of snow. Clearly this lady is overreacting. C'mon, we're New Englanders - we play golf in two inches of snow. Suck it up lady, you're making us look bad.

It also made me worry for this woman in everyday life. If she's running out to overstock for a small storm at the very beginning of winter, what does she do when there are actual emergencies to be found? Does she over-buy thing if, for example, her daughter is due to have a baby or are her fears strictly weather-based? If in February we're looking down the barrel of a severe blizzard, will that just overwhelm her to the point that emergency services are going to have to bust down her door, only to find her in a catatonic state, surrounded by 400 bags of rock salt? This report has left me with more questions than answers. Just another reason I hate the annual "At the hardware store watching people buying shovels" story.

My Visions Are Off

In my rather quirky family, we've adopted several little superstitions that we, for some reason, have come to accept as true (this is mostly from the Irish side, as my dad thinks we're all nuts). Make a wish at 11:11, touch the car ceiling as you run a yellow light, bury a St. Joseph statue to help sell your house - it's that kind of stuff. One of the ones that I have no idea where it came from, though believe as though it were the gospel truth, is that if you can remember your dream from the night before it's because it will come true. Sort of like the Irish version of a vision quest. Well, if it's true that I am becoming psychic, I still have a ways to go in honing my craft.

The other day we had a big wind storm and my front and back yards were littered with downed sticks and branches, including a descent sized one near my truck. That night I had a very vivid dream that another, much larger branch came down and landed on my truck, causing serious damage. The dream was too real, to the point I had to make myself wake up and then had to fight the urge to get up and check to see if my vehicle was undamaged. The next morning I still could remember the image of my truck crushed by a branch. Well, it turned out that we had lost a very large branch off one of our trees, but it was in the backyard and good 30 feet from any cars in the driveway.

Anyway, the fact that I was right about a huge branch breaking off, but wrong because it didn't land on my truck makes me think that I could very well be psychic, just a bad one. I will only be able to give a slight variation of what will happen next following whatever happened the day before and I'll be off by a few feet. It just reminded me of a skit on SNL and thankfully, it's one of those ones that has made its way online.



-While I'm not happy that the Fighting Irish have voted to skip a bowl this holiday season because I want more football, I guess in the long run it's for the best. They have no head coach and no momentum after ending the season with 4 straight losses, so what's the point? Last season's Hawaii Bowl was nice because it helped to build some positive vibes heading into next season, but with the program in flux perhaps it's best to work on the off-the-field side of things. Let's focus on finding a new coach, recruiting some defense and getting Dayne Crist ready for next season, cause I think Clausen is gone and he's taking Golden Tate with him. Not to mention, we don't want to get comfortable playing in those "Everyone Gets A Trophy" bowls that litter the college football landscape.

A Rapid Momentum Shift

Apparently, we're getting snow tonight. It was almost 70 on Thursday and in the 50s on Friday, so, of course, we could be looking at three inches of snow by tomorrow morning. Welcome to New England. The point is that I couldn't delay any longer; I had to do another raking of the back yard to clear the rest of the leaves and stick that had fallen after the other night's wind storm (more on that tomorrow), or else they would be buried under snow until February and officially kill the lawn. After a couple hours of yard work, I was pretty tired by the late afternoon. Now, I rallied for my sister's birthday party that evening, but once I got home I started to fade once again. By 11:30, I was almost out. However I'm waiting to see if I get what could very well be the most important email of my life, only I have no idea when it could be arriving, so I decided to check my emails one last time before bed. I turned my iPod on because I like ambient noise when I read emails and was greeted by "Dream On" by Aerosmith.

Now, for all the shit I gave Steven Tyler a couple weeks ago, I love this song. So, I threw on my headphones and cranked it up. "Dream On" was followed by "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica, which was followed by "Name of the Game" by The Crystal Method. Apparently my iPod has been talking to every mix tape I ever made in high school. When the next song was "Shipping Up to Boston" by Dropkick Murphys, I was officially fired up. I had gone from half-asleep to beyond awake in 4 songs. There was only one thing left to do - midnight dance party. Now, for all my reluctance to dance in public settings, I am just the opposite in the comfort of my own home. What followed was an hour-long shuffle of epic proportions. Everyone from Sinatra to U2 and Jay-Z made an appearance. I was grooving.

...and then it came to a crashing end. Just as quickly as my iPod was moving to the category of "greatest invention ever" the party came crashing down. Let me explain: despite my best efforts to push on, I'm still going through some stuff right now. When I'm going through this kind of stuff the worst thing for me are mindless activities (such as yard work), because my body goes on auto-pilot and my mind is left to wander as I begin to re-think and re-live events, spending a lot of time in the anger/denial/bargaining phases, but not moving passed them. This was what I did yesterday the entire time I was raking. So, while the dance party was a nice adrenaline-fuel distraction, when my iPod suddenly hit me back-to-back with Rascal Flatt's "Here Comes Goodbye" and "Winner At A Losing Game", that killed my momentum. An hours worth of build-up knocked down in about 4 minutes. I went from rocking dance party to sitting in a dark room, listening to songs that remind me of my ex. Not cool, iPod, not cool at all.

The moral of the story is this: technology will turn on us all eventually... and you should make playlists.

Football In Canada

If you thought having an NFL game in London was a peculiar idea, you should have seen last night's game between the Bills and Jets from Toronto. Buffalo has been struggling the last couple of years because they are just not that big a market. The NFL can try to level the playing field with all the salary capping and revenue sharing their little collective heart desires, but that doesn't make it easier to attract free agents to Buffalo if the money is close and that player's other option is Miami. The Bills managed to sign an over-the-hill diva wide reciever who no one else wanted last offseason and you would have thought they won the lottery. So, the Bills thought they could try and tap into the Canadian market for a little more money and exposure and have signed an agreement to play eight games in Toronto over the next few years. Last year's game was pretty bad and this year's was not much better.

The problem starts with the fact that it's not an event, it's simply an AFC matchup between two eh-level teams. People in Toronto have no reason to root for the Bills and why should they? Being 80 miles from a place is not enough of a reason to care. Why do you think the baseball loyalty in Connecticut is split between Red Sox and Yankees? It's because they aren't very close to either city, so people pick and choose alliances. If you want to do my distance, the football fans that do live in Toronto could just as easily be Browns or Lions fans, though I don't know why anyone would choose to be either. It's much more likely they're Steelers fans, cause at least those guys win.

The other issue is that Canada has their own football, thank you very much. The CFL season just ended last weekend, and it ended with a thrilling match-up featuring a controversial ending. This isn't like trying to bring football to those who don't have it, it's more like the NFL trying to force people to convert to their way of thinking. That can't be a great plan, can it? The worse part is the NFL should know better, because the roles have been reversed. Every couple of years a spring league appears (USFL, XFL) and they always want to start right when the NFL season ends to try and capture the momentum created by the Super Bowl. The day after the Super Bowl is when every guy says, "Football is over? What am I supposed to do with my weekends now?" Those leagues want to fill that void and they're not above adding some wacky elements to their leagues to get there. In theory it should work... the reality is something quite different. So what makes the NFL think that trying to shoehorn the their brand of football into the void left by the CFL season ending would be any more successful?

The other factor is how this is playing in Buffalo. Those are some are the heartiest and loyalist fans in the entire league. And how does the NFL thank them? By taking one home game a year away from them and putting that game into the city that is the most likely to be their new home should the Bills ever have to move. It's the equivalent of forcing a guy to meet his wife's new boyfriend. That's not cool. Also, because the crowd doesn't really care and they are playing in a stadium meant for baseball, they aren't very loud. There went any home-field advantage the Bills could have had in what was a crucial game for their fading playoff hopes. So, let's review: piss off the fans you do have, alienate the city that has supported you for decades and kill your team's on-field performance, which is the one thing that would actually bring in the most new fans. No, this sounds like a great plan all the way around.

We're Not The O'Connors

Stupid little things that others may find insignificant make me very happy. For example, I really like it when companies take the time to put a personalised touch on any mailing that they may send out. I've been this way since high school. When I was getting letters from colleges if they started "Dear Thomas" then they would be put into the considered pile. If they said "Dear Tom" they would move to the top of that pile (this was the only reason Colorado State was ever considered, even if it was only a moment). If I opened a form letter that began "Dear Potential Student" well you could forget me ever wanting to go there. I was very picky and full of myself at 17. It also works with advertisers. I was never a big fan of personalized jerseys until I received a catalog from the NBA with my hypothetical Celtics jersey on the back and saw that my name would not have to stretch up and around the numbers. Now I own that jersey in both home and away colors.

I mention this because it works the other way, in that I get annoyed when you could add a personalized touch, but choose not to. Yesterday I got an email from a company that would send you a small sculpture of an Irish pub door and they would put any name you wanted over that door. The name over the door they sent me was O'Connor. Now, you've already taken the time to construct this very code-heavy email, you mean to tell me that you couldn't insert the code that would stick my last name over the door? I understand that Rakauskas isn't very Irish-sounding, but if you give me the visual of what it could look like that very well could be what sways me. As it stands right now, forget it, I don't even want your stupid door.

-Alec Baldwin is coming out and saying that he's lost interest in acting and doesn't see himself continuing to do it much longer. Now, this is not the first time Baldwin has made a threat no one believes he will carry out; just like he said he would move to Canada if Bush won re-election in 2004. Look at that - he's still here (honestly, how he has managed to dodge the Sean Penn-level of annoyance is one of life's mysteries). Anyway, this proclamation does leave me with one central thought: how terrible must his new movie be? Honestly, the timing of his announcement makes it seems as if working on this film filled him with such dissatisfaction that he felt he had to take a step back and think about where his career is, only to decided that he would rather give up a successful acting career instead of continuing on this path. It's Complicated must be a steaming pile of crap.

A Minor Project, A Major Pain

For years I never had an On-Demand section with my cable provider. It was just one of those luxury items that I did without and never realise what I was missing until I had one, like the first time my car radio display told me the song and artist playing and I realised what a fool I had been for so many years living without this magical invention. Having all those shows and movies at your fingertips is a great resource and an unbelievable time waster. One of the things I most enjoy is that you can look up all sorts of quick instructional videos with Verizon Fios (yes, they do have a video on how you should fold a towel. List of items you need before you watch this video: a towel). The only problem is that some of these videos are only around for a short time. Crappy movies stay there forever, but videos I would go back to frequently are only available for a couple weeks. Go figure.

Recently I discovered that there are a series of instructional golf videos On-Demand. Three of them are for various resistence and stretching exercises to do before and after a round to build up golf-specific muscle, while the others were about aspects of the perfect golf swing and driving tips. Last winter, after unearthing my golf obsession, I found a similiar video On-Demand and tried my hand at golf yoga. Even though I felt like an idiot as a guy trying yoga, it clearly did something because I was very sore the next day. I needed to make sure that while I was easing my way from step one to step three the videos stayed available to me and so I wanted to burn them onto a DVD. My dad got a DVD burner a couple years ago and since I'm trying to cut down the number of VHS videos in my library I wanted to use that.

The first thing I had to do was dig it out and then try and find the book. Well, no luck on the manual, but I thought I was tech savvy enough to wing it without the instructions. I figured the process would be as simple as plugging the thing in, putting the three wires into the front of my TV and hitting record. Not so much. Turns out I had a problem getting that far, because the door wouldn't even open. I guess it jammed due to inactivity. I tried compressed air to get rid of some of the dust, but what finally got the door to open was a swift slap to the top of the box (apparently I am related to Fonzie). Then the next issue was finding the remote, because this thing won't allow you to simply press the buttons on the front of the box. We searched this place high and low, low and high. I tore apart my dad's office and living room, convinced that was where the remote was. I must have spent over an hour looking for this thing before finally giving up and attempting to program a universal remote, which did not work. I was about to give up the whole project entirely when out of the corner of my eye the remote appeared. Would you care to take a guess as to which room it was finally discovered in? Go ahead, I'll wait...

...the kitchen.

Don't ask me why, but the remote was randomly on top of a small bookcase which sits under the circular stairs and holds all the cookbooks. No idea why it would ever have come to rest there. After that it was simply a matter of getting the correct wires in the correct spaces, making sure I recorded at the appropriate aspect for my TV and then creating a sweet looking label, because I detest simply writing in sharpie on the disc. All in all the day was a success as I now have all five On-Demand videos at my disposal for as long as I need, I just wish the project that I thought would take me a couple hours, three at the most, didn't end up taking six.