How To Buy A Christmas Tree

Every year I take my Christmas tree shopping very seriously. To me it is the absolute symbol of the holiday and if I get a bad one, then it can really put a damper on the festivities (good presents help soften the blow, but still). Now, last year my father and I found our tree in record time. It was literally the first tree we pulled off of the stack and it was probably one of the best trees we have ever had: tall, full and with lots of space underneath for presents. But, just because we got lucky last year that didn't mean we could be any less diligent this time around. There is a protocol to this, and I'll share it with you now:

1. Loyalty will be rewarded. We've gotten our Christmas tree at the same place for over 10 years now. We always end up with a good one, so why mess with a winning streak? My mom wants to try someplace new every year, but I don't believe in her logic. Think about - if you found the best place to buy meat from, would you keep checking other delis?

2. Never buy the first tree you see. Take a walk up and down a couple aisles. Enjoy the experience. Now, in extraordinary circumstances you may buy the first tree you seriously look at (see: first paragraph), but never the first one that is in the aisle. People who don't really like Christmas and just want to get this over with are the ones who pick up that tree.

3. Bigger is better. "Tom, why would I look at an 8-foot tree when I only have 7-foot ceilings?" Because, you can subtract some branches and base a lot easier than you can add extra tree to an already cut one. If you find a great tree but it happens to be a tiny bit too tall, so what? You must have a saw around your place somewhere. Really, it's not Christmas if the ornament on top isn't slightly tilted because it's hitting the ceiling. The alternative is getting the tree home and realising you could have gone higher and that just sucks.

4. Take Her for a spin. I can not stress this enough - spin your tree 360 degrees. Take a step back and have someone else spin it for you so you can really take it all in. Make sure that there are not too many dead branches or open spots (When doing this take into account the settling factor). You can have up to 20% of the tree be a "bad" side. That will be the side against the wall. Any more than 20% and you risk people seeing that bad side.

5. Stalking is A-OK. Someone else always has a tree that looks better than anything you have had in your hands so far. Walking behind them and waiting for them to take both hands off the tree is not only OK, I would feel shame for you if you didn't. This isn't like the latest toy in Toys R Us - you only get one of these each year and you need to make it count. You can usually tell the people who are about to put a tree back, too, because one of the two people always has a comment about it being just 'not quite right' (the fool). Those are the people who are about to cave; stick near them if you want their tree.

6. Don't forget "the handshake." Yeah, you may pay a lot for your tree, but don't forget the poor guys who have been standing in 20 degree weather all day. I love the discrete-tip handshake and wish I could use it more in my everyday life, only I don't go to that many nice restaurants. Anyways, it's four folds of the money from left to right and then you hold it in place against your palm with tip of your thumb. Then a casual "Merry Christmas" with your hand extended, release the money as you grasp his hand and as you let go of the handshake the money slides right into the other guys open palm.

Once you get the tree home, don't forget to use warm water to encourage the tree to open up and release that great Christmas tree smell. Also give the branches a couple hours to fully settle before you put ornaments on. Then just sit back and admire your tree.

Happy Hunting.