A Window Into The Male Mind

My generation is one that grew up on action movies, especially those "simple man in the wrong place at the wrong time, but who now is going to be forced to kick everyone's ass"-type action movies. As a result, every guy I know has a very active imagination about starring in his own action movie. We feel as though we should be ready for a Michael Bay movie to break out around us at any moment. So, when you see us standing in line at either the bank or a convenience store, just know that we're not thinking about work, our romantic lives or what we have to do the rest of the day; in our heads we're running through what we would do should a group of masked men burst in the door and try to rob the place. We're looking for places to jump behind in case of the hail of gunfire, what objects could be used as weapons to take out these robbers and what woman in line would become our love interest when the robbers invariably take her hostage. Seriously, if someone ever tries to rob the local Bank of America when I am there I have a plan ready to go.

I have to admit, though, in our minds we are not always on the right side of the law. Sometimes we think about what we would do if we ever managed to steal a car; or, even better, a celebrity's car. (I fear for the next generation that grew up on Grand Theft Auto. The pull to be on the wrong side of the law will be even stronger.) I imagine that I would first look for the little black book in the glove compartment that would contain the contact information of other celebrities (because I also imagine all celebrities know each other). Then I would drive around for a little bit like the parking-lot valets in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but that fun would come to a screeching halt when the cops found me and the chase was on. After a long chase, I would be forced to make a diving leap from the car before it careened over a cliff and down the embankment, leading to a large, Hollywood-type explosion. That is why I was not the least bit surprised to learn that, once Charlie Sheen reported that his car had been stolen, the car was found at the bottom of a cliff near Mulholland. If the robbers are over the age of 33 I will be stunned. Also, if they are ever found, I bet their biggest regret will be that the car didn't explode upon impact.

-My niece Addison is allegedly turning 3 today. That can't be right. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Hell, I still have the text messages from the day she was born saved on my old cellphone (old text messages I wanted to save and a very effective alarm clock feature are the only reason my old phone still gets charged). She can't already be 3.