Commence Commencing

We're officially in college graduation season around these parts and since Boston is such a college town there have been more than a few articles about who will be giving the commencement speeches at the dozens and dozens of schools in the area. (Fun fact: Senator Scott Brown is getting an honorary doctorate from a school that does not have a doctorate program. Perhaps he can hang his imaginary doctorate next to the picture of the corpse of Osama Bin Laden he thought was real.) Now even though these articles never amount to more than a list of names and locations, I am always fascinated by this story every single year and find myself pouring over it, seeing which school is going to have the best speaker (and thus win graduation). Because it seems everyone has a commencement speaker story and they all have one common theme: it doesn't matter who was giving the commencement address, some other school had somebody better at theirs that same year.

I know a lot of people think that who is chosen to speak at commencement is not that big a deal considering most of the student body has been drunk since last Tuesday. However, I disagree - it is actually very important. After all, for thousands of kids this is going to be the final impression of a place they just spent several years of their lives at the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars. The last thing anyone wants is for them to leave with a bad taste in their mouths. If that happens they might not be so willing to fork over any money when that alumni donation letter comes in the mail. If you think about it that context, suddenly spending a little more money to have an actual speaker instead of a reality star whom no one will remember in three years doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Not that I want to put too much emphasis on this because, let's be honest, honorary degrees aren't exactly important. I have to laugh at the people who get annoyed when controversial figures are offered honorary degrees, as if it suddenly means we have to take them seriously. As I tweeted the other day, musician Branford Marsalis has over 30 and poet Maya Angelou has over 70. Not saying those two aren't important figures, I'm just saying the honorary degree loses a little luster when you have more of them than pairs of socks. At this point I assume Dr. Angelou doesn't even take them out of the package when they are shipped to her home and she gives them out as stocking stuffers.

That is why I respect the schools that understand the place of the honorary degree and instead go for the person who will give the most entertaining speech. Because that is all anyone really wants: keep it light, keep it fun, keep it quick. I remember when my sister was graduating from college and her commencement speaker had recently been rescued from a hostage situation in Peru. Amazing tale, but kind of a downer for a graduation. You may not think Stephen Colbert has much knowledge to impart to the next generation, but at least you'll have a laugh while he's talking. Looks like you win this year, Northwestern.