The Joke Comes Alive

I've heard no less than half a dozen comedians do some version of the observational humor, "You should never go food shopping when you're high." The thought behind the joke being that people are so hungry from the drugs they will buy way too much food (because nothing makes a joke funnier than having to explain it). Now, the best jokes are the ones which have a grain of truth to them, but I figured these comedians were just speaking in hyperbole and no one ever actually did this. However, I had just walked into a convenience store Friday night when in behind me came a man who was clearly high as a kite. It was then I got to watch the joke play out live in front of me like an impromptu "Saturday Night Live" skit.

The kid, who was probably in his mid-to-late 20s, immediately made a bee-line for the Doritos (as you do). After spending a minute debating Cool Ranch vs Nacho Cheese with a look on his face that told me this was clearly the hardest decision of his life, he ended up getting both. Then it was over to the beefy jerky section for some more snacks and another tough decision as to just which flavor of jerky to get. [Sidebar: I had just stopped in for a soda, which was in my hand at this point, but I was in no hurry to leave because I didn't to miss the rest of the show.] Now the kid had his jerky, but wasn't sure if this was going to be enough, so he began to slowly circle the store, waiting for another craving to pop up and buying every piece of food that caught his eye. Before too long he waddled to the front of the store, both hands full of chips, beef jerky and various other kinds of candy.

It is at this point of the story I want to give total credit to the guy working the register. For one reason or another the beef jerky package wouldn't scan and the clerk wanted to get another one with a clearer price tag. The high kid was willing to go get it, but the clerk insisted it was unnecessary and that he would get it. Brilliant move, because it left the pothead standing at the counter with even more candy options literally at knee-level. As the clerk went to get another bag with an easier-to-scan tag on it (and clearly taking his sweet time to do so), the kid bent down at to pour over all the options at his fingertips. I think the kids walking into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory were less awed by candy.

By the time the clerk came back three packs of gum, two cans of mints and three candy bars had been thrown onto the pile. Simultaneously the kid almost had a religious experience when he looked to his left and saw a display of Big League Chew. If he had more money on him he might have just bought the entire display. As it was he needed two bags for all his goodies, something I have never seen before at a convenience store. I didn't even know they had bags behind the counter. I'm just happy that the kid lived nearby and clearly walked to the store. First (and most obviously) because I wouldn't want this asshole on the road in his condition, but secondly because I'm not sure he was going to make it out the parking lot before ripping this food open.

So, let this be a lesson to all the comedy nerds like me who spend way too much of their time watching stand-up comedians: you're not just learning about the timing and crafting of a good joke, sometimes you're learning valuable life lessons at the same time.