Friday Ramblings...

Just some stuff on my mind as I drove around this afternoon...

-Driving down the highway this afternoon I saw a group of convicts picking up trash on the side of the road. First off, it is a little hard to believe we still do that. Given the way the legal system works these days, you would have expected someone to have complained about it being embarrassing to the prisoners and brought a lawsuit to end the practice by now. I mean, they've been doing this kind of stuff forever. It's just weird to me that this survived and drive-ins failed. Still, that is not what got my mind going. Those guys are picking up trash because they were convicted of some kind of crime. Trash that got there by people littering. Littering is a crime. It's kind of a chicken-and-egg kind of thing. Also, what do you think are the odds any of those people were convicted of littering?

-If the person in the car ahead of you is taking too long to get on the gas when the light switches from red to green, I'm all for giving them a quick honk to bring it to their attention. This afternoon I was the fifth car at a light. The first car failed to go and the guy behind that car was on his horn in about half a second. Typically I give it a five-count, but I'm not going to get on someone who wants to do it faster than that. What made this particularly dickish was that the guy with the quick trigger-finger was driving an 18-wheeler, which doesn't have a normal horn - its got an airhorn. Do you want to talk about overkill? I was four cars away and I jumped, so I can only imagine what the guy in the front of the line did. New rule: if you're going to use an extremely loud airhorn in your vehicle then you had better give the people ahead of you a little more leeway about pulling away when the light changes. No need to scare them half to death when it takes twice as long for your truck to get up to speed anyway.

-I was passing a dentist's office outside of the center or town and on the lawn out front was a woman sunning herself in a beach chair and a bathing suit. Now, this particular dentist's office was in a building that holds businesses on the ground floor and apartments above it. It appears that the woman was a tenant and decided to put her chair on the only patch of lawn available to her. (I'm assuming, of course. Maybe she was an employee, it was a slow day and they take casual Friday's very seriously at this particular office.) The point is, she was not exactly giving off a professional vibe. Just something to I want anyone thinking about renting out the space above their business to consider when you are interviewing potential tenants.

-Could we, as a people, get together and pick one set of measurements for clothes? I bought a couple shirts in the last couple of days, both allegedly the same size. One fits me great, the other looks like it would be tight on my nephew. Both of these shirts are from athletic companies and both are based in the United States, so it's not like they can claim some kind of problem converting from metrics. This annoys me to no end because I hate trying on clothes in stores. I like being able to grab and go and I can't do that when I'm not sure what that clothing company's definition of XXL is.

-Day after day the news paints a very bleak picture for the American economy. Well, if you ever want to feel better about it I recommend going to the nearest outlet store. You'll see large group of people and not a single one of them will speak English. Honestly, how bad can we be doing if all these people are still coming over for vacations and shopping? I know they have a great exchange rate, but whatever their reasoning they are spending money in American stores when they could be doing it anywhere. I'm pretty sure I would get a damn good bang for my American buck in places like Nigeria right about now, but you don't see me hoping on a plane. I think the demise of the US is greatly exaggerated.

A Postmortem

If you think about it, there was never any other way for the Red Sox's season to end. Already in the midst of a month-long freefall that saw them drop from the top of the Wild Card standings to tied with only one game remaining in the season, it seemed almost appropriate that literally three minutes after the Red Sox blew a 3-2 lead with two outs in the bottom of the ninth to the lowly Baltimore Orioles the Tampa Bay Rays would get an extra-inning walk-off homerun to win after already coming back from being down 7 runs early in the night to eliminate the Red Sox from postseason play. Honestly, you couldn't script this stuff.

There were many reasons the Sox season ended as it did. A combination of bad offseason signing, injuries, age and bad luck all seemed to come together in the perfect storm of crappy baseball the last few weeks. If you asked any fan of the team they would tell you they could see this coming a long a way off. Baseball teams are a lot like bad movies: you can tell what you are going to be in for pretty quickly. When the team started slowly you got the impression that this was not going to be the juggernaut everyone anticipated. Even when they finally started rolling in the middle of the year no one ever got too comfortable as the Sox were way too reliant of guys like Josh Reddick and Darnell MacDonald. When you're payroll is north of $160 million, you shouldn't be starting guys who normally would be 4th outfielders.

I think it was the fact that they made it interesting is what makes today worse than normal. If they had just completely collapsed and not even made it interesting last evening then people could have just shrugged their shoulders and said that they were playing above their heads for most of the year. But the fact that for 98% of the night they were in control and everything that had to break their way was just makes their eventual elimination harder to take. Seriously, if you're going to rip someone's heart out at the end of the night, it's just plain cruel to take them dancing beforehand. [Sidebar: that being said, SportsCenter needs to shut the hell up about how depressed the state of Massachusetts is today. Yes, we're annoyed with this team, but no one is about to go throw themselves off the Tobin. We've won two World Series in the last decade to go along with 3 Super Bowl as well as NBA and NHL Championships. Boston sports fans are doing just fine, thank you very much. Why don't you go and interview a Rays fan, if you can find any.]

Now the question is where we go from here. First things first, I don't blame Terry Francona for this at all. There have been reports that he was managing for his job last night, but I don't know what more could be expected from him when he's asked to throw guys like Andrew Miller out there every couple of days because the rest of his starters are hurt. Baseball managers are a little like ship captains: they are only as good as the ship beneath their feet. All you can do is ask them not sink the boat and Francona did that. Frankly, the lack of depth on this team should fall on general manager Theo Epstein, but you haven't heard a peep about his job security (then again, you also aren't hearing those Chicago rumors anymore). I don't think Theo is incompetent, but I do think he needs to take a long look in the mirror before he thinks about handing out pink slips.

As for the rest of the team, I expect a lot of roster turn-over. This will probably be the end of the road for veterans Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek. I know you don't want to mess with a team that just won 90 games too much, but I think it's pretty clear they need some bullpen reinforcements and starting pitching. Also, I don't want to hear ownership complaining about lack of funds. A lot of contracts are coming off the books following this year. The experiment that was Dice-K is officially over, as should be the Red Sox career of J.D. Drew. The big question mark is David Ortiz. Something tells me he still expects to be paid like the Ortiz of 2006 and that just shouldn't happen. I don't see a National League team signing him and if I hope he doesn't expect the Yankees to start a bidding war over him, because they have plenty of guys who can hit for power while playing questionable defense. I have a sinking feeling he's gone, probably to Anaheim.

So, all in all, this year was a wasted opportunity. Given their record against the teams that did make the playoffs the Red Sox should have fared much better then they did. Yes, they faced obstacles along the way, but nothing worse than any other team had to deal with and they had better resources than most to combat them. All they can do is move on and start planning for next season. However, if you're banging your head against the wall today, I want to remind you there is a silver lining to this whole thing: you get to go the rest of the year without having to hear Tim McCarver once. If you can remember that when you start to think about all the missed opportunities in September, it will almost make last night worth it.

Angry Birds Overload

It is a well-documented fact that by the time I pick up on a trend, that particular fad is on its last legs. But, at least I know I have no one by myself to blame for this: I don't do things just because the 'cool kids' tell me to do it (actually, I'm less inclined to do something the cool kids tell me to do) and have to come around to things at my own pace. This leads me to catching on late and since most fads are more shooting star than actual star, by now their time has come and gone. I have come to accept that. Personally, I'm not going to worry about it until I get to the point I'm demanded people talk to me about the movie which I just saw that came out five years ago.

Still, when everyone told me about the Angry Bird video game a couple years back I was my normal, slow-to-conform self. I didn't even try the game until May of this year when my sister got an iPhone for Mother's Day. Admittedly, I had a fun afternoon trying it out but since I don't have a smartphone yet I couldn't play beyond that day. Then a couple weeks ago I couldn't take my computer crashing every 10 minutes anymore and switched from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome. Turns out that on Chrome you can install applications (just like a smartphone) and one of the apps was Angry Birds. Of course I installed the free app and had 3 stars on every level within a couple of days. (It's an addictive little thing.) I can see why it was so popular. The thing is that this game also has provided me with an answer to why fads end shortly after I come around to them - I appears I accept trends about the same time as most advertising executives.

Up until now Angry Birds was just a fun little game that the young people played. Occasionally some snarky, on-line t-shirt company would make a shirt with an Angry Birds reference on it or it would be a throwaway line in some new comedy that was trying to prove how young and hip it was. But, in the last couple of weeks, the Angry Birds are everywhere. They're on TV advertising for everything from Internet browsers to mixed nuts. You can dress up like them for Halloween, buy computer speakers shaped like the birds or help yourself to any number of the usual products that happen when something goes mainstream: Angry Birds the slippers, Angry Birds the lunchboxes, Angry Birds the backpack, Angry Birds the flamethrower! It's all just too much.

You would think by now people would learn to slow down with the marketing. Instead of letting something stay at a simmer and last for longer, people are so impatient that they turn the heat up full-blast and everything burns out. I bet that if they had slowly introduced a few items at a time versus everything at once they could have made this phenomenon last several months. Instead, they are determined to make the public sick of them and their game in no time. My guess is you'll see a lot of that merchandise in a bargain bin shortly. And then it's not just going to be the birds who are angry.

Hall Pass

When it comes to Hall of Fame class nominations, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is no different from any other sports-related one. The announcement of a Hall's nominees for induction are always the same mix of "Wait, they weren't already in?", "Why are they even nominated?", "I've never heard of that person" and "They only got nominated because they have good drugs." For example, this year some of the bands up for induction include Guns N' Roses, Donna Summer, The Cure, Heart, War and Small Faces. (For those of you wondering, the only criteria for induction is that 25 must have passed since your first album was released.) Thus, this is the first year Guns N' Roses has been eligible. The other bands? Not so much.

Of course, Guns N' Roses are the headliners of this particular group. They are sure to make it in, which is where the fun just starts. For one thing, you have to wonder if Axl Rose is going to show up, if he does just what kind of shape he is in and then whether or not he will even perform at the ceremony. Typically they ask the bands to get up there and play a couple songs, but given that Axl kicked everyone but himself out of the band many years ago and there have been several lawsuits between the remaining members over royalties since that split, I doubt they will be anxious to jam one more time. It could make for a really awkward and fight-filled night. If you think about it, it is almost fitting that they will go into their Hall of Fame the same year Dennis Rodman was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame.

I would have lost money betting that The Cure was already in the Hall. I can't believe that they have been sitting around waiting for induction all this time. I would have assumed they had enough street cred to push their way in on their first chance to be eligible. However, that was until I looked at who got in The Cure's first year of eligibility (2003): The Clash, The Police, AC/DC, Elvis Costello and the Righteous Brothers. That was a powerhouse lineup and I doubt even the members of The Cure would complain too loudly. But, even with that, they still should have made it before now. Was there such a rush to put in bands that came out much later, like the recently dissolved REM, who were inducted in 2007? It feels like they should let older bands in first.

As for everyone else, I'm not sure who will make it in and I'm not really sure it matters. This is what annoys me about all Hall of Fame voting: either you qualify or you don't and it's obvious from the get-go. Ok, in cases like The Cure you might have to wait a year or two because of backlogs. But everyone else is just hanging around for the sake of hanging around. I can't stand it when a guy sits on the ballot for so long that he eventually gets voted in because people get tired of looking at the same name every year. Your resume is what it is and it's not going to change. I mean, it's not like Donna Summer or War are cranking out any new music or racking up more hits. Everyone who wants to own their music already does. After a certain point in time, leaving them on the ballot is just cruel. I mean, jees, Small Faces have been eligible for the Hall of Fame for as long as I've been alive. Something tells me those guys shouldn't go out and rent a tux anytime soon.

Betcha Can't Eat Just One

This morning we learned of the passing of 97 year-old Arch West, better known as the creator of Doritos. Mr. West has said he wants to be buried with some of his chips, which is just an insane enough idea to make sense. After all, Doritos seems to be one of the more 'out there' companies. For example, did you know that in 2008 Doritos beamed a commercial into outer space, aimed at solar system 42 light years away that scientists think contains planets capable of sustaining life? It's a pretty sound way to stay in business: "Mr. President, you have to give us that government bail-out money. You wouldn't want aliens showing up, expecting Doritos and then not have any for them, would you?"

Now, there are people out there who don't like Doritos. At least, I'm told they exist. Much like Bigfoot, I have never seen one in person. If they do, I can only assume it is because they haven't tried the right flavor yet. There are literally dozens of flavors of Doritos, although not all are readily available. Some are only for sale in certain geographic locations. So, to be fair, you can't really say you don't like Doritos until you have tried them in all their variations. With that in mind, here are my top five flavors of Doritos (at least, of the ones that I have tried).

1. Cool Ranch: This wasn't really a surprise, right? Pretty much everyone thinks Cool Ranch is the best.

2. Nacho Cheese: Considering it is the original flavor of Doritos I couldn't put it any lower. There was no way it was getting past Cool Ranch, though.

3. Pizza Supreme: These tastes like Nacho Cheese, but with more emphasis on the cheese and less on everything else. I like pizza, I like Doritos; very low chance of failure here.

4. Buffalo & Ranch: I don't usually like things which are 'buffalo' in nature, whether they are wings or anything else. But I found these to be pretty good. Behold the power of Doritos.

5. Toasted Corn: Essentially, these are nothing more than plain chips. I assume these came into existence simply because Doritos didn't just want to concede defeat to Tostitos. It is kind of hard to screw corn chips up.

These are just a few of the many Doritos flavors which are still available and that's just in the United States. Seriously, you should see what some other countries are willing to put on their chips. (I doubt even the most adventurous eater is anxious to rip into a bag of seaweed-flavored Doritos.) Still, whatever your preferred flavor, raise a bag for Mr. West.

They Were Still Together?

Towards the end of the week, the band REM announced they were splitting as a group after 31 years together. Now, as musical acts go that is a very impressive run. I'm pretty sure most musical groups have broken up ten to twelve times in that span. Whatever measure you want to go by, they had a hell of a run. That being said, it just feels like this announcement came a few years too late. Honestly, I didn't even remember that they had an album come out this early year until I looked it up. It was almost as though the world retired them a while ago.

I'll admit, I never got really into REM. Like everyone else I enjoyed "End of the World As We Know It" (along with many of their other songs) and like 15 million other people I own a copy of "Out of Time". But I never got to the point a lot of other people reached where they thought the band was important. Entertaining? Sure. But, important? No. Later it began to feel as though the band was reading a little too many positive reviews about themselves. They started to take on this aura like every album they put out had to make some deep statement. And when you factor is that they rose to fame with a silly song like "Stand" it just makes the idea that this band was socially important all the more ridiculous. Of course, they aren't the first band which has felt this way and it's not entirely their fault. You can only have so many music critics blow smoke up your ass before you start to think you may actually walk on water (Hello, U2).

The bigger problem is that lately the music didn't justify the hype. You can be as pompous as you want while the music is good. But when it's just the same mediocre stuff album after album, bands start to take on the same feel as a show which is critically-acclaimed, but doing poorly in the ratings. They develop really annoying fans telling you that you simply must buy the new album. Well, anyone who knows me knows that now I'm not going to do it out of principle, and I feel like that is what happened here. Still, it was a hell of a run. I look forward to the reunion tour in a year.

Weekly Sporties

-Thursday the NBA went ahead and officially announced that the start of training camps would be delayed due to the ongoing lockout. In that same announcement they also said they would be postponing an "unspecified" amount of preseason games. Well, allowed me to be the one that puts a specific number out there: all of them. The two sides haven't met for a couple of weeks and the last time they did meet to try and negotiate a settlement to the ongoing labor problems they have ended up walking away further apart then when they started. Personally, I believe the owners have no desire to starting the season on time. They want a lot of concession from the players and they aren't going to get them until those players start missing paychecks. I don't think negotiations are even going to get serious until November. It's a shame too, because no one is going to care. Between baseball playoffs, NFL, college football and eventually the NHL and college basketball people are going to have no shortage of options to fill their sports needs. The league is coming off a great year in terms of popularity and ratings, it'll be a shame to see it all undone so quickly.

-Late last week it looked as if the Big 12 was on its last legs. Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State were bound for the Pac-12 and Missouri was going to the SEC. Turns out none of that is going to happen after the Pac-12 voted against expansion (for now). Instead it was the Big East that was dealt a major blow when Pittsburgh and Syracuse suddenly announced their intentions to head for the ACC and they are expected to be followed shortly by Rutgers and UConn. At this point I don't expect the Big East to survive as anything but a basketball conference. With that in mind I wouldn't be too upset to see Louisville, Cincinnati and TCU move to the Big 12. I never thought Louisville and TCU made any sense in the league and Cincinnati is too solid of a program to be left by itself. Then West Virginia can move to the SEC and the musical chairs can stop for a couple years. Plus, maybe this way Notre Dame can finally win the Big East tournament. (Yes, it always comes back to Notre Dame.)

-The big news in the NFL this week was a couple of Giant players being caught on tape clearly faking injuries as a way to stop the clock without using a timeout in an effort to slow down the Rams no-huddle offense. Of course the people at ESPN are outraged by this behavior, because, really, what does this teach the children? In any kind of controversy along these lines, I'm always more interested to hear what the other professional football players still in the league are saying. And pretty much to a man they all agreed, yeah, it's fine. There are so many rules slanted to give the offenses an advantage in football that everyone is kind of willing to let this one slide. Really, there is no way to prove a guy is faking (God forbid a ref accuses a guy of acting hurt and it turns out he has some kind of internal injury), so we're all just going to have to live with this one. Even the children.

-Speaking of kids, in order to curb violence in the stands of a Turkish soccer league one team took the extreme step of banning all men from the stands. They only let in women and children for the game and made men watch from home. Players said it was a very pleasant experience and they loved the positive energy the crowd gave them versus the angry vibe they normally get. That being said, I bet it never happens again. Trust me on this one; as soon as whoever owns the stadiums sees that the alcohol sales were way down and how much money they didn't make, that will be the end of that little social experiment.

-After he was caught using performance-enhancing drugs for a second time, Manny Ramirez announced his retirement rather than serve out his 100-game suspension. Well, a couple days ago Manny said that he planned to apply for reinstatement to the league and would serve his suspension so he could play ball again, even if it meant going over to Japan to play. In various reports Manny was quoted as saying he was, "Unprepared for retirement." Interesting. While I'm willing to concede that Manny never struck me as the kind of guy who would have hobbies to fill up all this new-found free time and he was probably going stir-crazy in retirement, I'm pretty sure it was Manny's bank account that was the most unprepared. I get this crazy feeling that Ramirez wasn't exactly diligent in watching the people who oversaw his money.

-While we're on the subject of performance-enhancing drugs, earlier this week the World Anti-Doping Agency said that it was planning to add nicotine to it's list of banned, performance-enhancing substances for 2012. Um, what? First off, this pretty much only effects golf, because I don't know of any other sport which allows you to smoke during it anyway. But, secondly, does anyone think of nicotine is a performance-enhancer? I've known many smokers in my life and I have to tell you, I've never once been playing a sport with them and found myself wondering how they found that amazing edge. Mostly I wonder if they are going to die if we make the pick-up game full-court.

-However, the topic of smoking golfers does lead us nicely into the story of John Daly. Daly was playing over in the Austrian Open on Friday when he had a rough go of it on the 15th hole. First he hit a shot into the water. Disgusted, he threw his club into the water after it. Then, after finishing the hole he was approached by a tournament official, told he had taken an illegal drop and was assessed a two-stroke penalty. Already 4-over for the tournament, Daly walked off the course (though, at least he took the time to shake his playing partners' hands). We can be done with Daly now, right? He's withdrawn from 16 tournaments in the last four years and only had two top-tens in that same span. I understood his initial appeal - he was the every man, come-out-of-nowhere, underdog, people's champion. But at this point he's just kind of a jerk, right? When he's not playing badly at tournaments he complaining about conditions or not getting invited. At some point players and tournament officials have to think he's more trouble than he's worth and I imagine we're getting pretty close to that point.

Duck And Cover

I like to complain about weathermen on this blog, mostly because they are so rarely right and yet somehow stay employed. But more and more I'm reminded that they are attempting to predict the future and when you compare them to some other professions, they are actually doing better than most. They may only have a 60% success rate, but those are starting to look like Hall of Fame numbers. Remember back when the Icelandic volcano was going off? Day after day people whose job is it to study volcanoes would go on television and admit that they didn't know why this particular one started erupting, how long the eruptions would last, how severe they would get, when they would end or if they would happen again. These guys spent years in college studying rocks and they knew pretty much the exact same things that I did.

The news the last couple of days has revolved around a falling satellite. Apparently, a 20 year-old, 35-foot long piece of equipment is in a slowly decaying orbit and is on its way back to Earth. It's just an issue of when. No, really, when is the big issue. Also, where. Because NASA scientists can't really pinpoint a time or place. There are just too many variables. They have an idea of when, but if their calculations are just off a little, it can change their estimations by hundreds of miles and several minutes. Basically, the world should just keep it's head on a swivel.

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I Know You Saw Me

A common theme on the blog is me telling people to just be who they are. I have a very low tolerance for people who I think are acting a certain way just to get more people to like them, especially athletes like Alex Rodriguez and Kobe Bryant. I'll respect you more if you are true to yourself, even if that true self is an asshole. Going hand in hand with that is not trying to act like you didn't know what you were doing when you get caught being an asshole. I'm not saying you have to come right out and admit you were trying to be rude or anything, but just don't try and backtrack like you weren't. All that does is make me like you even less than I already do.

This came up yesterday when I went to buy lunch. I went to the deli near my house and went inside. (Yes, the same deli where my truck died last week. I even parked in the same spot. But, because this time it wasn't raining and I brought my phone, my vehicle started without any problems.) It appears I had shown up during the lunch lull, as there was only one guy inside. I was followed in by three yuppie-looking people, two women and a man. I took my place behind the guy who was in front of the counter, assuming we were forming a line. One of the women in the group which came in behind me saddled up on my left, just slightly forward of where I was standing. Clearly, she was trying to cut me in line. I knew it and she knew it.

When the woman behind the counter asked who was next the woman tried to jump in with her order. Normally, I would have let it go because 'ladies first' and all, but she was holding a piece of paper, which made me think she was ordering for the office. No way was I going to sit behind her while she order 10 sandwiches for her office full of people working on mindless sales reports (I'm assuming) when all I wanted was two subs which would take a grand total of one minute to make. Fortunately, I didn't have to say anything because the other woman who had walked in with her pointed me out and said I was next. That was when the first woman looked at me and said, "Oh, sorry. I didn't see you."

For some reason, this blatant lie bothered the hell out of me. I was more annoyed with that comment than her trying to jump me in line. I mean, there were so many other lies she could have gone with that would have been less-bitchy and I would have been fine with. Maybe she thought by standing behind the first guy I was with him and he was ordering for me. Or that since I was a couple feet from the counter I was not sure what I wanted to order. Perhaps she is knew to this country and doesn't understand how lines and common courtesy work. Those would have been perfectly acceptable excuses for not waiting your turn. But, there was no way the reason she tried to go ahead of me was that she didn't see me.

Alright. Let's ignore for a second that I'm not a small man, even though I am repeatedly reminded throughout the day that most things in life are not made for guys my size. (I'm simply not a ninja capable of sneaking around corner - I make my presence felt.) But, putting that aside, the main reason I knew she was lying is that as we were walking in, I held the door for this woman. I was wearing a dark shirt at the time, but even if you have the worst eyesight in the history of humanity you should see someone held a damn door open for you. Then, she had to step around me to get to the side of the counter. My interactions with her lasted longer than with the person who was making my food. There was no way on Earth she didn't see me.

In situations like this, just don't say anything. You were unsuccessful in your attempt to cut the line. While the very act of trying in and of itself already makes you a jerk, it's not that bad. It is going back and attempting to justify the act which makes it worse. Instead, just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong. I'll still think you're a jerk, but at least I won't have the urge to hit you in the face with a sub and make you go back to work with lettuce in your hair. And, really, what lie are you going to come up with to explain that?

Timber!

Back in June when a particularly strong group of storms rolled through, the yard didn't lose one tree. Even with sustained high winds, they all stood strong. However, a couple night later a not nearly-as-strong storm rolled through the area. That was when I looked out the front window to discover a tree across the driveway, finally giving an answer to the age-old question of, "If a tree falls when "PTI" is on, will anyone hear it hit the ground?" (Nope.) More disturbing than realizing my hearing is so bad I didn't hearing a large tree hit the ground was looking inside the trunk and discovering that it was pretty much hollow. It appeared that termites and various other critters had made quite the meal of this tree. Also, now that it had fallen over there were no insects to be found, leading me to think they had scattered and moved on to another of the surrounding trees.

Naturally, this made me concerned that another tree was slowly being hollowed out by a small army of insects and could fall on a whim. There was one tree in particular that worried me. Across the driveway was, by all appearances, a mostly-dead oak tree. The top of it didn't have any branches and the bark had started to come off near the middle. At the very least it looked a lot worse for wear than the tree that had just fallen. I figured this was the next tree to go and spent almost all of Hurricane Irene opening the front door to check if it was either in the street on lying on top of my neighbor's car. Thus, it was decided that a professional was going to have to cut that tree down before nature came and knocked it down, because at least that way it was controlled. I had visions of the guy just walking over and giving it few solid shoves before it collapsed into a heap of sawdust.

Turns out I don't know much about trees.

The crew of three that showed up this morning had a hell of a time bringing that thing down. They had guide ropes so two of them could pull from the top while the third guy was cutting away at the bottom. The two guys manning the rope were tugging for all their worth and this tree still didn't budge. After quite a few swipes with the chainsaw, the guy in charge of cutting ended up going back to the truck and getting a couple of wedges and a sledgehammer to try and create a larger gap in the tree trunk. It certainly didn't seem like this tree was going to come down without a fight. And it obviously didn't have the termite problem the first tree had. In fact, the trunk was so thick they couldn't even put it through their normal wood-chipper and had to come back later with the special truck which carries nothing but huge trees. (That truck was equipped with a special grabbing claw on the back. I bet the guy who operates it is amazing at the claw game in the arcade. I picture his house as just filled to the rafters with poorly-made stuffed animals of cartoon characters which break all types of copyright laws.)

Still, I feel kind of bad about taking that tree down because now that I have seen how healthy it actually was I'm left to wonder just how long it might have lasted if it had been left alone. It's kind of like thinking your goldfish is dead and going to flush him down the toilet, only to have the little guy start swimming for his life once the whirlpool starts. By the time you realize your mistake, it's too late. Then again, I don't feel too bad about it because not having that tree there really opens up that corner of the yard. I guess the lesson of the day is that, just like people, you can never tell how healthy a tree is just by looking at it.

The Final Act

So, last night curiosity got the better of me and I found myself tuning in to see how they would handle getting rid of Charlie Sheen's character on "Two and a Half Men" and replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. Apparently, I was not alone in this, as early ratings have as many as 28 million people clicking over. (If that number stays the same for next week I will be both stunned and saddened at the same time.) The character change wasn't particularly exciting, because everyone knew it was coming. If they had been able to keep the secret of who was replacing Charlie Sheen a little better than they probably could have gotten an even bigger number. As it is I am curious to see how many of those alleged 28 million stayed passed the first four minutes when we found out how the writers killed Sheen off, because that was really the only mystery remaining (and I have to say, given how much time they had to think of it, it was a little under-whelming). After that, as it was pointed out by numerous people on Twitter, we're back to it just being "Two and a Half Men" and no one needs to stick around for that.

Character switches are always tricky on TV and I'm not sure this switch is going to work out in the long run. Ironically, Kutcher should know this better than most because he was on "That 70's Show". When Topher Grace left and they tried to replace him with the unfunny Meyers brother while making the guy with the accent the focus of the show, Kutcher saw the writing on the wall and bailed before that season started. So, if anyone should know better than to try and make the 'comic relief-guy' into the main star, it's Ashton Kutcher. I give it a couple seasons before the network decides to move in another direction.

Still, whatever you may think of the show, these situations do tend to get people interested. America loves a good scandal as long as we're not personally involved in it. Honestly, I highly doubt Ashton Kutcher's last three movies were seen by 28 million people combined. And it is working out well for Sheen, too. Apparently his Comedy Central Roast, which also aired last night, was among the highest-rated one of them all. (That does seem to be a pretty low bar, though. I don't remember there being much buzz around the roast of Flavor Flav or Pamela Anderson. Oh, and to all the people on the Internet who offended by Amy Schumer's joke during the roast, apparently you don't know what a roast is.) It seems as though everyone involved has been able to wring every last dollar out of this particular story.

Which brings me to the point of this post: you can all go away now. I don't want to hear any more about goddesses, winning, sniping back and forth in the media or dueling lawsuits. There was a great article on Grantland.com a few weeks ago saying that being named as a Hall of Famer was both the best and worst thing that could ever happen to an athlete. One the on hand they were recognized as one of the best to ever play their sport. On the other, there was no need to talk about them anymore. I mean, what more can you say about a guy after he's been named to the Hall of Fame? There is nothing left to discuss, nothing left to argue about and no higher praise can ever be given. That's how I feel about this Charlie Sheen story: both sides are coming out OK and now that the show has re-launch with a new star there is nothing more to say about either side. Every mystery has been solved. They all can go back to working on their respective shows. I just hope they don't expect 28 million people to still be interested next week, otherwise they are all going to be really disappointed.

Those Come In Handy

Sometimes in life, things are so commonplace that we begin to take them for granted. They've always been there and you begin to just expect them to always be there. It isn't until you reach for them and they aren't available to help you out that you realize what a big asset they have been in your life. I'm talking, of course, about pockets.

On Saturday morning I was doing a little yard work. As such I was wearing my typical yard work clothes of a ratty t-shirt and basketball shorts. About 95% of my way through the project I realized that I was going to come up short on materials. This could have gone one of two ways: either I could leave the project 95% complete, declare that I would finish the rest later and go take a shower, or I could hop in the car, run to the store, fight the crowd for the items I needed, come back to finish what I had started and then take a shower. Since I know that 'finishing this later' can be a rather loose contract for me, I decided to just get the damn thing over with and run to the store.

Now, given what happened last week when I went to run a quick errand only to discover that my truck decided that it was a great time to inform me my starter was broken, you would think that I would have learned my lesson about leaving the house without thinking things through and taking four extra seconds to make sure I had everything. But, I didn't. I just grabbed my keys, a $20 and headed out the door. It wasn't until I was in my car that I noticed the shorts I was wearing didn't have any pockets on them. That was kind of weird occurrence because most of my shorts have pockets, so I took it for granted. For a moment I thought about running back inside, but at least this time I remembered to wear socks, so I chocked it up as a victory and headed to Home Depot.

Now, for anyone who has never been to Home Depot you should know that the hardest thing to find in that store on a Saturday is an empty cart. And with only a couple things to buy and a strong urge to get back and finish my project, I was not in the mood to go hunting for one. That meant I was going to have to carry what I was buying. Fortunately the two items I needed were not heavy, but they were awkward. [Sidebar: it is really hard to carry any type of lumber without wanting to hit slow people with it. I've essentially got a lance in my hands, I suggest you move your discussion about whether or not it is time to re-do the bathroom to one side of the aisle or the other.] This was where I noticed that not having pockets available is really a bummer. Now I was juggling a long piece of wood, a bag of mulch, money and keys. I really could have used an extra pair of hands.

I got more than a few stares from people who seemed to be weighing whether they wanted to help me or if they would rather enjoy seeing me drop everything I was carrying. (I don't begrudge them in the least for not helping, as I have been in that same position and thought the person was an idiot for not having a cart.) It probably didn't help that I went to self-checkout and the bar code for the wood was on the top edge, which was rather inconvenient. The only saving grace of this whole experience was that my total came out to exactly $7.99. While I still had to balance the wood, the bag of mulch, the keys and money, at least the total wasn't something annoying like $8.04, leaving me to carry a handful of coins on top of all that. Another quick balancing act back to the car and I was on my way.

So, in closing, remind me never to do yard work in those shorts ever again. Also, the best inventions are often the most obvious. Seriously, the guy who thought up pockets was a frickin' genius.

Skipping Some Steps

I make no secret of the fact that fall is my favorite season. It isn't just because football is back and it isn't because I'm big on the foliage. It has to do with the clothes. See, I love jeans and a sweatshirt. I feel it is my best look, which is why I haven't changed it much in the past, oh... ever. (I do own a couple sweaters, but sweatshirts are always my first love.) The thing is, I like to transition into it as the weather changes: first it's t-shirt and shorts, then sweatshirts and shorts, finally to jeans and sweatshirts. Well, apparently this year we're just skipping a few steps. The end of last week it was 80 degrees and then one morning I woke up to find it in the 60s. There is no gradual progression downward. Hopefully we don't just skip over the 50s as well.

Anyway, with that in mind we're going with an Adam Sandler song as a way to welcome in sweatshirt weather. This was from Adam's 1996 comedy special on HBO when he decided to perform all his comedy songs in concert. Therefore, this clip also works as a reminder that sometimes stars need to keep people in their lives to remind them to stay in their lane. Maybe if he wasn't so busy writing songs Adam could have made a good movie in the last decade.

Weekly Sporties

-Earlier in the week Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield finally won his 200th game, on his eighth attempt to do so. Personally, I'm really happy for Wakefield because he has been a great ambassador for the team, not only on the field but in the community. Seriously, it seems Tim is always the guy who gets sent when the team needs a player to make an appearance somewhere. I just hope now that he has reached the milestone the rest of the team can relax and get back to just playing. It feels like they have been pressing during all his starts and they've played tight. I'm not blaming Wake for all of the team's poor play as of late, I'm just saying that the last thing they need is to have another issue hanging over their heads while they try and hold off the Rays for the wildcard spot.

-Staying in baseball, during last Sunday's game the New York Mets planned to honor those who answered the call that day by wearing baseball hats for the FDNY, the NYPD and other first-responding units, as their own way to pay tribute on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. They did this after the tragedy first occurred so no one thought it was going to be a problem. Only this time Major League Baseball didn't think it was fair to let the Mets break the uniform rules and had someone from their office go down to the dugout and physically remove the hats from the Mets players. Instead they made the Mets wear special 9/11 hats which, in a move that I'm sure was purely coincidental, were for sale on MLB.com for only $37. Reportedly, Commissioner Bud Selig is furious with the Mets that the story was made public. Yeah, because that's what is wrong in this story. Remember last week when I mention that the NFL allowed players to break the uniform rules and wear patriotic cleats and gloves because they understood this was a special occasion? It's really too bad that baseball was too stupid to come to the same conclusion. Again, sometimes professional leagues need to just stay out of their own way. And baseball wonders why it is no longer the national pastime.

-During the closing laps of last weekend's NASCAR race, Jeff Gordon had just passed Kevin Harvick for the lead when Paul Menard, Harvick's teammate at Richard Childress Racing, spun and brought out the caution. Harvick beat Gordon out of the pits and held on to the lead for the remaining laps. Late in the week Gordon publicly questioned whether or not Menard intentionally spun-out to help his teammate since he had nothing to lose. First off, I doubt a guy is willingly going to lose control of a car going 200 mph, I don't care how amazing of a teammate he may be. Secondly, whether Menard spun on purpose or not, that is not what caused Gordon to lose - getting passed in the pits did. If Gordon had beaten Harvick off pit road or passed him during any of the subsequent laps he wouldn't have raised this issue, so don't complain just because you lost. It's like the Raiders and the "Tuck Rule" game. For some reason no one seems to remember that the Raiders still had multiple chances to win that game on their own and couldn't. Stuff like that only becomes an unfair advantage if you let it.

-One of the best debates people ever have in sports is whether or not certain players belong in their respective Halls of Fame. Some of those debates can last for hours and have to take into account things like the quality of the teams the person played for. I mean, what how good could some of the guys who pitched for the Royals in the early 90s have been if they ever had a real line-up behind them? But, because a sport like golf is such an individual competition, members become eligible for election into the Golf Hall of Fame as soon as they meet a few specific criteria: age, time on tour, number of wins. It completely takes all the other gut instincts out of the equation. While it not only takes away the fun of debate, it also leads to the very awkward situation in which active players are in the Hall of Fame. For example, Phil Mickelson is on this year's ballot and is almost a lock for election. That's just weird. I mean, what if you start to play like crap after you're in the Hall? Would they kick you out? Every time you missed a putt, people would be off to the side, whispering, "That guy is a Hall of Famer?" Imagine what it would be like if Hall of Famers were active in any other sport. I like to think it would be like practice, where the quarterbacks get different colored jerseys: if you're already in the Hall you get a mustard-color jersey to go with your jacket. Actually, that might be kind of cool.

-Speaking of guys who could be put in the Hall of Fame while they are still playing: during Monday night's Patriots/Dolphins game, Tom Brady threw an interception. The announcers in the booth said that was Brady's first interception in 350+ passing attempts. Well, regular season passing attempts. He had been intercepted in the playoffs. Do you know what that means, fellas? It was, in fact, not his first interception in 350+ pass attempts. Because I don't care if a streak is broken during the postseason, it is still broken. Actually, I would contend that a streak broken in the postseason is actually worse, because at that point everything is magnified. It would be the same as passing all your pop quizzes in school and then failing the final. I don't know when we started breaking up streaks into regular versus postseason, but we need to stop doing it. A streak is broken when it is broken, no matter what the calendar says.

-Also during that game Brady's new Uggs boots commercial debuted. And just like when he started growing his hair out or was caught on camera dancing rather dorkishly during Carnival in Rio, people are saying that this somehow makes Brady seem like less of a tough guy. Well, when that commercial came on that allegedly less-than-tough guy was in the process of lighting the Miami secondary up for 517 yards. I've said it before and I'll say it again (although the sentence does seem to be getting longer): as long as he can dissect a team like that, I don't care if he's growing his hair into pigtails, selling Uggs or holding his wife's purse, he can play for my team any time.

-One last NFL note: a few days ago Colts quarterback Peyton Manning received a large roster bonus, despite not being healthy enough to play anytime soon. Also, there are reports Manning didn't take a physical before signing his new deal. While that's just stupid on the part of the Colts, it doesn't make Manning look too great either, almost as if he knew his neck injury was worse than previously thought. Still, it reminds me of a story about another Indiana boy, Larry Bird. In 1992 Larry knew he was too hurt to play anymore and went into the GM's office to tell him he was going to retire. Knowing full well Larry was due a large bonus if he was still an active player on a certain date (which was a couple of days), the GM told him to go home and think about his decision for a week. Allegedly, Larry narrowed his eyes and said, "I know what you're trying to do. If I'm not gonna play, I'm not gonna take the money." Now, I'm not saying Peyton should have pulled that same move. If I were in Manning's shoes I'd probably take the money, because I'm not better than Peyton Manning. I simply wanted to point out that clearly Larry Bird is.

Testing America's Test Kitchen

Like everyone else who watches home improvement or cooking shows, occasionally I get inspired. You see the hosts build a nice cabinet or redecorate a stale-looking room and you say to yourself, "I should do that to the den!" Suddenly you find yourself wandering the aisles of the nearest Home Depot and trying to pick out the correct lumber. And even if it doesn't come out as pretty as the professionals when it is done, it's still a damn satisfying feeling. Last week this same kind of inspiration struck. I was watching an episode of "America's Test Kitchen" where they were making chicken and dumplings. Now, I've never had that before, but it looked fairly easy to make. Suddenly, I got it in my head to try and make it for dinner one night this week. Last night was my attempt.

So, with inspiration on my side, I signed up so I could have access to the recipe (God only knows what kind of spam emails I'm about to be bombarded with). Looking it over, I began to do that move every person does with recipes, in that I started to substitute things in and out due to a combination of laziness and knowing myself. For example, the recipe called for buttermilk. Now, I don't have buttermilk in my house and don't know why I would be expected to. Secondly, I'm not about to run out and get it because given how infrequently I use buttermilk (yesterday would have been the first time in... ever), there is a good chance I would just end up throwing the majority of it away in a week. Regular milk did just fine, as did salted butter in place of the unsalted the recipe called for. Another example is that they called for two small onions. I don't like onions, so that was reduced to one medium onion and we called it even. Also I suck at getting just the egg white without the yolk so I didn't even try.

One thing I did love about making this was discovering how much stuff is just randomly hanging around in the kitchen. Seriously, some of these kitchen cabinets are like magic. I thought I was going to have to go out in invest in parsley and thyme leaves, but they were already in the house. I can only assume they were bought the last time someone decided to try a random recipe and needed a bunch of ingredients they would never use again, so they've been sitting around ever since. Personally, I don't care why this stuff was ready to go, I just know it made the entire process easier.

Now, the chicken stew was a fairly straightforward process. If you've ever made stew you know it's not very hard. It's just stock, vegetables and pieces of chicken. The dumplings were the hard part. Apparently if you didn't do it just right they would either disintegrate or become extremely soggy and sink. The dumplings were what separated the men from the boys. And while my dumplings may not have turned out as pretty as the ones on TV, they tasted pretty good. You can see the results below.

Trust me, this tasted better than it looked.

Anyway, if you're looking to try this yourself, I highly recommend it. It would be a great cold-weather dinner so, unlike me, you probably want to wait until a night when it's not in the 80s to make it yourself. It's pretty easy and other than the prep work of cutting everything up it is not a high-maintenance process. I only had two issues: 1. I used more stock than they recommended and I feel like if I had stuck with their number it wouldn't have been enough. 2. They claim it serves six, but I don't know what six people they were feeding. That being said, I definitely can and will make this again. If you're interested I can shoot you the recipe.

Beating A Dead Horse

In a previous post I wrote about how, if given the choice between two DVDs, I always want the 'special' edition. Between extra features, deleted scenes, documentaries about the real story which inspired the movie and alternate endings, the chance to see something different from what everyone else saw at the theater is too enticing to pass up. I simply can't stand to not know what makes that DVD so damn special, even though I have been burned enough that I ought to know by now that the answer is usually not a damn thing. All that being said, despite my love of special editions, even I have my limits. At some point I'm simply not interested in owning another copy of a movie, I don't care how many special new features they promise to bring to the table.

This came up because recently I have been seeing a commercial for another release of the "Star Wars" franchise. This time it is all six movies in a one box-set, on Blu-ray, high definition and featuring several never-before-seen extras. This leads to the obvious question I've got to ask - just how many copies of "Star Wars" do they think people need? My brother-in-law is a big fan of the franchise, but I don't think even he will be ponying up for this one. Like a lot of fans of the franchise he's already got the movies on VHS, DVD and the special DVD re-release when they added all the new CGI special effects. I can't imagine he's going back for the Blu-ray editions. At some point, even the most die-hard fan is going to say enough is enough.

[Sidebar: I will say this for George Lucas - he has tremendous willpower. Every time they re-release this franchise they throw something new on the features, even if in this case it's a grainy, 10-second clip from "The Empire Strikes Back" which makes Han Solo look like kind of a dick. You just know some guy working for LucasFilm told George to put that out with the last round of "upgrades", but he didn't. Lucas is very good about keeping something in the reserves and letting it out like a slow drip. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be new.]

Disney is, of course, the best at the re-release game. Because not only do they just keep releasing the exact same movie without even bothering to update it, they go the extra step of limiting how long it will be released, which adds an extra level of want to the equation. Oh sure, there isn't anything new on this latest release of "Lion King", but you'd better buy it anyway, because who knows when the next time they'll feel like letting people buy it? By then your Blu-ray player may be obsolete. Which do you think is going to be cheaper - a new DVD now or an entire new video system in a couple of years? And try explaining 'limited-release' to your four year-old when she asks why you can't just go buy a new copy of her favorite Disney movie that she watched so much she burned a hole through the DVD. Even if you think it's stupid, you're going to cave and they know it. (I tell you, that mouse is evil.)

My sister was wondering just how many times one movie could be re-released. I feel like the obvious answer is they will keep doing this until people stop paying for them. I mean, I understand the loyalty of fanboys, but there has to be a limit to how many times LucasFilm can go back to the same well, doesn't there? I feel like I would be more understanding if studios were just adapting to new technology, but that isn't the case. The movies are already out on Blu-ray and as clear as they are going to get. This is a money grab, plain and simple. I'd say it was up to the nerds of the world to unite against this, but given the amount of people who go to Comic-Con in Star Wars costumes which cost more than my truck I know that is a losing proposition. The best option is for some other movie franchise (preferably one that the "Star Wars" crew can't stand) to start doing this, then hope the "Star Wars" nerds start complaining about it and come out of their fog long enough to see the hypocrisy of it all. In other words: Help me, Harry Potter. You're my only hope.

A Hard-Driving Lesson

Early this morning I had to drive my sister in to the airport. The drive itself was fairly uneventful - it was the usual mix of drivers changing lanes without looking because they were too busy talking on their phones and people deciding that the space you were leaving between you and the car ahead of you in the name of safety was actually just being reserved for them to fill in as soon as they had an inch of clearance in every direction. You know, typical. At least, that was the case up to the point where we got off the expressway and started on the ramps toward the airport. That was when I noticed the car ahead of us was a student driver's car.

Now, I remember learning to drive very vividly. Usually I had the back-up driving instructor and he was cool. One time I had to be in the car with the guy who owned the driving school and all I remember about that afternoon was him slamming on the passenger side's brake because I was about to cut across spaces in an empty parking lot. I wasn't close to hitting anything, but he didn't want me to get into the habit of doing that. (Joke's on him, as I still do it all the time.) For the most part my driving lessons consisted of simply driving up and down the side streets of Dedham and keeping my hands at 10 and 2. (As with most things, I have since learned that what we were taught back in the day is now considered the incorrect method. Now people are taught their hands should be at 9 and 3. Considering my hands are usually at noon and the radio dial, this is of little consequence to me.) Wherever my hands were supposed to be, I was rarely on the highway and I certainly wouldn't have been there at 7 in the morning.

At first, I wasn't sure if this driving instructor should be admired or chastised. Because while it might seem like having someone who is inexperienced behind the wheel out on the Boston roads at rush hour is the equivalent of throwing a lamb to the wolves, there is something to be said for the 'sink or swim' learning curve. I mean, if you can handle the northbound expressway when everyone is trying to get to work and people are switching lanes on a whim without a hint of a turn signal, then you can handle just about anything the Massachusetts roads can throw at you. Maybe if we all learned this way there wouldn't be so many tentative drivers out there. Of course, if the student couldn't handle it then that could end up pretty messy for everyone involved. Either way, it's gutsy. I thought this guy could be on to something.

My admiration for the man's teaching style aside, I still thought I was behind a student driver and a student driver who wasn't going fast enough for my tastes. Thus, I went for the pass. That was when I noticed there was only one person in the car. (Looking back now that makes some sense, because who exactly starts taking driving lessons at 6:30 in the morning and what driving instructor would have his students drive to the airport?) So, not only was this guy not teaching his students with a trial by fire, but he was going so slow that he was causing traffic to bunch up behind him. Instantly, I was much less impressed with this driving school. They went from being the people who were going to save us all from slow drivers to being the root cause for them. I was like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz", learning that sometimes you just shouldn't pull back the curtain. But, at least now I have an idea if I ever decide to open a driving school.

Gettin' Old

Frequently, I am reminded that I am not as young as I used to be. Usually this reminder will manifest itself in some random pain that has sprung up from lying in one position for too long or seeing a young person who I don't know walking down the street with a hat on sideways and having to fight the urge to tell them to turn their hat so it's straight. Other times it's a little more subtle. I had three example of my aging just this afternoon.

1. The first week of fantasy football was a barn-burner for me. Going into the second Monday night game I was only ahead by a few points and the guy I was facing had Oakland's starting running back, who was fully capable of a piling up enough points to defeat me. He had a great first half and closed the points gap. It was very close. But, as the game dragged on I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I went to bed with the issue still in doubt. I awoke this morning to a text from my fantasy opponent, asking who had won. Neither of us had any idea, because we both fell asleep before the game was over. A few years ago staying up would have been a non-issue. I mean, at least my fantasy opponent has a small kid, what's my excuse? (I won, by the way. I'm sure you were worried.)

2. The names of teams in my fantasy football league are also making me feel old. I've been in the same league with the players for close to a decade. When we first started the naming of teams was a challenge to come up with the funniest, most obscure or crudest name we could think of. It was a collage of Will Ferrell quotes and dirty-sounding innuendos. The team names now? First off, half the guys haven't bothered to change them in years, making the movie references dated. Other people haven't even bothered to think of a name, using the generic entry of: LastName1. The rest have been sterilized from something dirty to something the wife approves of like, "Tim's Dad." The only good news is that while we may not come up with clever names, everyone still knows their stuff. I would hate to be in a league that was both lame and lazy.

3. It used to be that I got really excited when the EastBay catalog showed up. I would flip through it and pick out all the stuff I wanted. Now I'm getting really excited for the IKEA catalog to arrive in the mail so I can see if they still make that couch I had my eye on last fall. Jerseys, shorts and sneakers have been replaced by lamps, bureaus and storage units. It's a bit of a bummer.

Easy Rider

Back in March, I came up with the idea of biking every day during Lent. Don't ask me why I landed on biking, I was just looking for something that would be easier than giving up all chocolate for a second straight year. Anyway, every day during Lent I would hop on the exercise bike, do 10 minutes and then finish out the closest mile distance, because I happen to enjoy round numbers. The weird thing is that I have kept this up way beyond Easter's arrival. In fact, I've only skipped five days since starting this and those were only because I was somewhere that didn't have an exercise bike. I'm now doing six miles a day, just for fun, which is a weird thing to say because riding an exercise bike is inherently not a fun activity. (If I didn't put the bike in front of the TV it would be downright boring.) Not that there haven't been some positives. (Seriously, if you thought I had nice calves before you should see them now.) The point is, I can understand the benefits that come with riding a bike.

The thing is, at least I have the common courtesy to stay out of every one's way when I do. One of the numbers the bike shows me is mph. Typically, I pedal at around 24 mph. I don't know how fast that is in relation to other bikers, but I do know this: it is not as fast as people can drive their cars. In fact, if my car is only going 24 mph I'm probably freaking out because I think something is wrong with it. Over the weekend I was doing various running around and because it was a nice day the bike-riders were out in force. Now, when I was growing up I was always taught to ride my bike on the sidewalk, since that was the safest place. I was only to go onto the street if someone was walking down the sidewalk. But, at some point in the last few years that has changed. Now bike-riders essentially refuse to go up onto the sidewalk, as if it is a sign of weakness. Worse yet, they seem to be getting bolder and riding farther and farther into the street.

At one point I came to an intersection with a rider coming down the cross street. Now if he were in a car he would have had the right-of-way, but I thought since he was on an aluminum-framed bike and I was in an SUV he would wait to see what I was doing. Nope. He rolled right through the intersection without so much as glancing in my direction. "Fine" I thought. "A bit presumptuous, but no harm done." So, I turned the corner and headed down the same street, passing him in about 4 seconds because, again, car with V8 engine vs pudgy guy on bike is not really a contest. At the end of the street was a red light. I stopped and glanced in my mirror. It was at this point I saw that the guy on his bike was not only still in the street, but had pulled up and was occupying the space behind the car ahead him, patiently waiting for the light like any other driver.

This guy could have ridden up onto the sidewalk, gotten to the light and proceeded down the street without hearing a peep from anyone, but he was determined to wait it out. I was half-tempted to roll down the window and ask this gentleman if he knew he wasn't actually in a car. (I happen to know from my childhood experience that just because you make motorcycle noises while riding your bike that doesn't really turn your bike into one.) I assume the people behind him were getting really annoyed because unless he started pedaling like Lance Armstrong, he was going to slow everyone in his turning lane way down once the light turned. I was just thankful he was behind me and I went on my merry way.

Anyway, I want this blog post to serve as a message for everyone out there who rides a bike for any reason: get off the street. Using the sidewalk is not a sign of weakness, but instead a sign that you aren't such a self-absorbed prick you have no qualms about inconveniencing everyone else you share the road with just to act out some Tour de France fantasy. You say you have just as much right to the road as anyone else and you want bikes and cars to be treated as equals. Well, if that is true then that equality should extend to the common courtesies that other drivers give to one another during our time on the streets. You simply can't have it both ways. I understand you may need the exercise, but I don't need the annoyance. Either move out of the way and use the sidewalks, or start pedaling faster.

A Mixed Interlude

So, today was kind of a tough day to pick a musical interlude. I felt like I had to acknowledge the 10th anniversary of 9/11, but at the same time I didn't think a collage of patriotic images set to "Proud to be an American" was really my style. Besides, this isn't exactly a heavy political statement kind of blog. Then, I was going to change topics and pick something about the start of the NFL season, but felt it would almost be disrespectful to completely ignore what this day means to some people. Thus, we're splitting the difference and going with a cross between the two. With that in mind, I present to you the U2 halftime performance from Super Bowl 36, which featured a tribute to those that died. When in doubt, look to Bono for the answers.

Weekly Sporties

-The biggest sports story of the week was the news that Peyton Manning was still not medically cleared to play due to a lingering neck issue and would not be starting game 1 of the NFL season, the first game he's missed since high school. As if that wasn't bad enough for Colts fans, later it was announced that Manning had undergone a second neck surgery and may not return until December, if at all. Immediately, everyone began talking about scenarios in which the Colts would go 2-14 and be able to draft Andrew Luck with the first pick in next year's draft. Personally, I say slow your roll. I'm not disputing that Manning is more important to his team than any other player in football (and I think the Colts are waking up this morning with the sudden understanding of why that is a bad idea), but Kerry Collins is serviceable and it's not like that division is full of powerhouses. Not to mention that team has a lot of veterans who want to prove they can play without Peyton. I could very easily see them going 10-6, getting a playoff spot and then losing in the first round. Which, ironically, was what I expect them to do anyway.

-Before the Manning news had engulfed ESPN, the other story from Colts camp was the news that Jim Tressel had suspended himself. You may recall that last week I mentioned the story of Tressel, the Ohio State coach who was fired after lying to the NCAA, and that many veteran players had wondered how the NFL was going to handle his situation considering they suspended Terrelle Pryor, the player who starred in the Ohio State mess. Well, early in the week the Colts and Tressel said they were going to sit him for the first 6 weeks of the season. While people being able to name their own punishments makes the NFL look really bad, that isn't what I wanted to discuss: I forgot to mention Tressel's new position last week - gameday replay challenge coordinator. Basically, he sits in a room, watches a monitor and tells the coaches whether or not to challenge a play. How the hell can I get that job?

-Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears wanted to wear special red, white and blue shoes during tomorrow's game as a tribute on 9/11. At first the NFL said he couldn't, because they are notoriously strict with their uniform rules and didn't want this to open the floodgates of personal expression (because, yeah, we couldn't have that). "Where is the line going to be drawn?" they wondered. Allow me to answer that for them - right here. This is the line. A guy wants to wear 9/11 shoes, then you let him and anything beyond that is a no. Don't over-think this. Everyone knows this is a special circumstance. Thankfully, they came to their senses and will allow Briggs to wear the special cleats. you know, occasionally these sports leagues just need to get out of their own way.

-One last NFL note: after going all through training camp without being signed, former Giants running back Tiki Barber's agent said he was 'shocked' that his client didn't receive any offers. Really, you're shocked that a 36 year-old running back (ancient by NFL standards) who hasn't played in four years, who burned just about every bridge he had on the way out, who said he didn't really like playing football and who created a media shitstorm by dumping his wife (who was pregnant with twins at the time) for a 23 year-old intern didn't have people knocking his door down? Really? Are you new at this? I could have told him he wasn't going to get signed. Tiki should hire me as his agent.

-Notre Dame Head Coach Brian Kelly was under fire this week. Not only for a terrible loss to USF, but because he was repeatedly caught on camera screaming and swearing at his players while turning a lovely shade of purple. Personally, I don't mind the swearing - it's what football coaches do. Also, I get annoyed because the majority of the people complaining didn't even go to Notre Dame. Worry about your own damn program, thank you very much. No, I'm much more concerned by the flipping out after every negative play. Football coaches need to be the calm in the storm. When you're coaching a hundred teenagers, you need to look like you've got everything under control, even if you don't. Going insane after every negative play (which are going to happen no matter what level of football you are coaching) makes it look like you can't handle the situation. Kelly lack of poise on the sidelines made him look as though he's in over his head. To me, that was far more concerning than a few f-bombs.

-When Texas A&M was first approached by the SEC, they were told their invitation was only going to happen if they got assurances that no one from the Big 12 would sue to block their departure. They thought they had secured that, but this week it was revealed that Baylor, not exactly the gold standard of the conference, would not sign a waiver to let them leave. While it may seem like a dick thing to do to A&M, it's the smart move for Baylor. You see, if Texas A&M leaves, they will most likely be followed out the door by Texas, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State. That leaves schools like Baylor with no conference to play in and no real sex appeal to garner an invite to another major conference with an automatic BCS bid (frankly, I'm not sure what they are doing in the Big 12 to begin with). As such, Baylor is trying their hardest to hold on to what they've got. If A&M really wants to leave they have to do what guys in bars have been doing for ages: finding someone for the girl's unattractive, cock-blocking friend. If they can talk someone into inviting Baylor then they'll finally be allowed to leave for the SEC. What they really need is wingman with low standards... like the Big East. Those guys will take anybody.

-Weather has been playing havoc with the U.S. Open all week. Matches are constantly being rained out and players are being put on and off the court between raindrops. Watching all this go down has reminded me of something: I really don't like tennis players. All they ever seem to do is complain and whine. They complain about conditions, whine over referee calls and blast the schedule. Well, I got news for you guys - you're not the top concern. Tournament officials are much more concerned about the fans, as they should be. The fans are the ones who pay for this whole thing, some of them come a long way to see this and they only have one or two days of leeway. Not to mention, it's tennis - you really can't afford to piss off the few fans you have left. It's not life or death, so shut up and play.

Cards And Popes

I got a new magazine in the mail the other afternoon. Now, if you are anything like me when you get a new magazine the first thing you do is flip through and take out all the inserts. All the little cardboard renewal cards have got to go. Personally, I never understood their purpose to begin with. I'm already reading your magazine. I have a subscription and it's not set to expire for another 8 months, which you know. There is no need to weigh my mail carrier down with three extra pounds of little squares which fall out as I flip through anyway. Also, I don't know what it is about the material they pick to print these cards on, but I seem to get a papercut from them every month. I can go years handling other forms without getting a papercut, but it is like they have sharpened the edges of these cards to a fine point. This month there were five of these tiny cards in my issue. Seems excessive. I keep hearing that magazines are starting to go the way of newspapers. Well, maybe if you didn't spend all your money on printing subscription renewal cards you wouldn't be going bankrupt.

-So, today is my mom's birthday. As such, we're going out to a local Italian restaurant to celebrate, Buco di Beppo. You know what's really fun to say? Buco di Beppo. Go ahead, try it - I'll wait. In addition, they are going to be sitting us in the Pope room. I don't quite know what that means, but I'm excited to find out. However, because I've been walking around all day saying Buco di Beppo and thinking about the Pope, this clip has wedged itself into my brain. Yeah, it's been that kind of Friday.

The Long And Short Of It

The other day I was leaving a convenience store when I noticed a tape measure hung up just inside the door. It wasn't much more than a large sticker on the door frame and instead of just giving the normal measurement in inches, it was set up to translate into people's heights. The door itself was covered by other promotional stickers the store had received from companies, so I thought it was just another one of those. While I found it kind of odd thing to be handing out, I went about my business. It wasn't until I was back in my car that I figured out why it was there: so that when (not if) the place was robbed, they could consult the video surveillance tape and give the police an accurate height of the suspect. Talk about planning ahead.

On the one hand, this seems like a very smart idea. I have seen enough documentaries on all the inaccurate statements given by eye witnesses to know that they are pretty much always wrong. Between the shock of the event, focusing on the wrong thing and not knowing what details are most important, more often than not 5 people witnessing the same crime will give 5 different descriptions of the person who committed it. Being able to go to video evidence in that situation is a much better idea than relying on some person working behind a counter who is shaking because they just had a gun in their face. This simple yet effective tool allows police to have a more correct information, which is a really good thing.

On the other hand, it does seem a bit of a downer. You're essentially telling you employees that eventually they are going to get robbed, so they had better start mentally preparing for it. Not exactly a happy work environment. With that in mind, doesn't it seem like people's energy could be better served by coming up with ways for the store to, I don't know, not get robbed in the first place? Because the other thing you have to keep in mind is that this tape measure sticker is only as accurate as the people who set it up. If those people couldn't quite reach the top of the door frame then it won't be useful anyway. The next thing you know police are going to be looking for a 6'7" robber who in actuality is closer to 6'3", all because the night manager was too lazy to grab a ladder out of the back room.

Besides, while I'm not about to claim I know the inner workings of the criminal mind, I'm going to guess that if someone has made plans to rob a store the fact that their height is going to be on file isn't much of a concern. How about instead of working out ways to catch the criminals after the fact, you try and come up with some type of deterrent which would make them think twice about robbing you? Or at the very least more accurately collect information to give to police. And by more accurately, I mean perhaps that system should be more technologically advanced than what Disney World uses to see if kids are tall enough to ride the Teacups.

My Day

Massachusetts is currently being drenched by the remnants of Hurricane Lee. It hasn't nearly as bad as when Irene came through last week; so far it's just been cold and rainy. Basically, it feels the same as a fall day. But this rainy weather is why, when I was going out to pick up lunch from a nearby deli, I didn't feel like walking the half-mile there and back. I figured it would be a three-minute errand and as such I didn't bother to throw on socks, just the slip-on shoes I keep near the door and I didn't grab a jacket on my way out. The thought of bringing my cellphone momentarily flashed through my head, but I figured the time it would take for me to go upstairs and get it would equal the time it would take for me to run to the store and back. [Sidebar: I think you know what's coming.]

My SUV started in the driveway without any issues and I headed down the road. I even got a nice parking spot right on the corner. I ran into the deli, was inside for roughly 50 seconds and headed back to my vehicle. In retrospect, I could (and should) have left it running. Because when I got inside and turned the key, nothing happened under the hood. Oh, sure my dashboard lit up and all the radio kicked on, but there wasn't an attempt by the engine to turn over. Not even a click. I tried turning the key a few times and even thought I could out-smart the problem by using my recently-discovered remote starter, but that didn't work either. My engine remained silent. I got out and checked under the hood which, given how much I know about engines, may as well have been a look at the human brain. Still, I checked everything I could think of, but nothing I tried worked. Finally, I decided I was just going to have to leave it, walk home and come back for it later.

Let me just say this about walking in the rain: when you're alone and it's kind of cold out, the experience is not nearly as romantic as the movies would lead you to believe. Then again, my mood probably wasn't helping the situation. I'm pretty sure most of the rain was evaporating as soon as it came in contact with my forehead, as I was steaming mad. At one point I walked passed a little old lady under an umbrella. As she spied me, drenched (I was also wearing a white shirt, so I hope you enjoyed the free show, lady), jacket-less and wearing shoes with no socks while muttering to myself, she looked as though she wanted to say something to me (I assume it would have been along the standard, little-old-lady-stating-the-obvious lines of "You should be wearing a jacket!"). Thankfully, she thought better of it. Oh, and it stopped raining once I got home. Of course it did.

So, I left my car there for a few hours before going back to try and start it again. Honestly, given my relationship with cars, I fully expected it to fire up without any hesitation. But it didn't and I have to admit I'm kind of glad it didn't. I think discovering it was a non-issue would have just made me madder. We even tried jumping it and that didn't work. Instead it was towed to a local repair shop. Also, not surprisingly, over the last couple of hours I've developed a good sniffle, likely on my way to a cold. All that being said? The subs were really good.

Nothing To See Here

When I was working in radio, the thing I loathed above all else (even more than the program director coming in to tell us something that we all instantly knew was incorrect, proving that we were all smarter than our boss) was tours coming through the radio station. You see, when people come in radio stations it's very exciting for them. It's very cool to see the face behind the voice and the studio where all the famous people have visited. (I'm not making fun of those people, either. I totally get their enthusiasm. It was an exciting place to work for the first few weeks for the employees as well. Then it just became a job.) Because the people who worked at the station know how excited those people were to be there, it filled us with this feeling like we should be doing something. And when it comes to radio, there just isn't much you can do to look busy. Frankly, for the people in the studio, it's a pressure we just didn't want to face.

That is why I don't get the recent surge in radio stations simulcasting their radio shows on a TV station. It seems like every week some sports station is announcing that you will now be able to watch the radio show online or through some sister TV station. I would love to know who is watching these simulcasts. Watching a radio show is like watching paint dry. Sure, it's all the fun of eavesdropping on a stranger's conversation without having to look like you're eavesdropping, but that appeal goes away pretty quickly. After that point you're just watching a couple of guys talk about the Patriots secondary and can't chime in about how wrong they are.

You know the hosts can't be happy about this for two reasons. One, they are suddenly working for two stations and I can guarantee you that they aren't getting any additional pay. Secondly (and this is the big one), now they have to be TV-ready every day. One of the biggest appeals to working in radio is the ability to show up without having to care about people seeing you. You need to be showered, can't wear anything offensive and beyond that if there are no holes in your pants you're golden. One time I wore khakis to work and then spent all day being asked if I had an interview or a funeral to go to. Now these same people are going to be broadcast on TV every day? That is a recipe for disaster.

Now, this all started with Howard Stern but his show needed to be put on TV. He was doing so much outrageous stuff people demanded to see it. No one is demanding the opportunity to see a couple of former NFL linemen sit around and debate who was better in the 1980s. I'm sure these shows are put on the air for the same reason any show is put on the air: money. It's easier and cheaper to stick a camera in the corner of a studio than to hire a couple new, better-looking talking heads, build them a fancy set and then ask them to do the exact same thing the radio people are doing. The thing is while talk is cheap, cheaper doesn't always equal interesting. After all, there is a reason all those morning talk shows have cooking segments. You can only watch people blather on for so long... but at least those people are dressed for it.

Too Many Looks

It has come to my attention that while I watch my fair share of television, I'm not watching what everyone else is. Obviously, I don't watch reality TV, but I also usually watch sports instead of most sitcoms. This lack of variety seems to bother some people a lot more than it bothers me. In fact, the only problem I have about watching so much sports is that they seem to run the same ads over and over again. Advertising companies only afford to make a few ads a year so when there are only a couple of sponsors for a specific sporting event, the pickings can be pretty slim. It's either repeat the same commercials or roll out old ones. Personally, I would rather they go with old commercials. Seeing the same ads every commercial break isn't a good idea for anyone involved.

I must have seen the commercial below 100 times over the past couple of weeks. Which means I've had way too many opportunities to pick it apart. Things a normal person probably wouldn't notice are now the only things I can see when it comes on TV. I know it's only a :30 second commercial, but that doesn't mean we can't pick it apart, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style.

Michelob Ultra "Beach" from New Hat on Vimeo.

:05 My first complaint. What happens to all the people he shooed away? Are they now 20 miles from their cars? If so, that's a very dickish thing to do. If you're not happy with a place typically that's your hang-up, so why don't you leave and we'll stay?

:13 Isn't this commercial supposed to be for a light beer, enjoyed by people who lead active lifestyles and don't want to build up calories? Then you shouldn't zoom in and make them automatically closer. If I know anything about the people who order Michelob Ultra, I can safely assume they would be the kind of people who would appreciate the extra exercise. Stop being lazy and make your friends walk the 300 feet to get to you.

:20 This is my biggest complaint. Making the sun go down is only speeding up the day. It is the same as rolling a clock forward. If you're having such a great time, wouldn't you want the party to last longer? 7 seconds ago you couldn't wait for your friends to get there and now you're trying to make a quick exit. And look at the woman's face when she's done setting the sun. It's like someone just commented on how it's only 2 o'clock and she smirks back at them with, "Oh, wow, it's already 6. We have a sitter, so we should get going."

Now, obviously, I've seen this commercial too much. For my sanity, I'm begging you, Michelob Ultra, make some new commercials. And make a bunch, otherwise I'm just going to tear those apart as well.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my parent's 40th Wedding Anniversary.

The happy couple September 4th, 1971

So, in honor of this occasion, I thought I would use their wedding song as this week's musical interlude. The only problem is I'm not sure what it is. I asked and got conflicting answers from my parents. My mom thinks it was "We've Only Just Begun" and my dad can't remember the name of the song but knows it's not that. Now, for years I was told that it was the theme for the movie "Lovers and Other Strangers" so that is what we're going with. Then again, I'm relying on a Google Internet search and we know how reliable answers found on the Internet can be. Let this just be a lesson for all the engaged couple out there who are agonizing over what song to use for their first dance - by your 40th anniversary you won't remember it anyway.

Happy Anniversary, mom and dad. I love you.

Weekly Sporties

-When the NFL announced that Terrelle Pryor was going to face the same five-game suspension when he entered the league that he would have had if he remained in college, a lot of players loudly wondered if the Commissioner would do the same thing to coaches who were in trouble with the NCAA and came to the NFL. Well, after the Indianapolis Colts hired Jim Tressel as their game-day "replay consultant", it appears we are about to find out. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't think the NFL would have to do anything to him, because Tressel was more in trouble for lying to the NCAA than for any rules violation. It's their issue, not the NFL's. But, Goodell opened up this Pandora's box when he suspended Pryor. Now, he almost has to give Tressel some kind of punishment or it will appear like he has it out for players. Goodell has enough of an image problems with the guys on the field - the last thing he needs is to give them another opportunity to talk about his bias against them.

-Speaking of the NFL having issues, this coming Thursday is the big kick-off to the season. The World Champion Packers are having a big celebration and have the national spotlight all to themselves. Almost. You see, President Obama is scheduled to make a speech to Congress that night and normally the network would preempt its programming to cover the speech. Even though the President will be done well before the game starts, he would still force the network to drop the pre-game concert festivities. The NFL isn't very happy about this. Here's my take: the pre-game show is Kid Rock, Maroon 5 and Lady Antebellum. Mr. President, preempt away.

-Early in the week Michael Vick signed a massive new contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Everyone talked about how great this was for Vick, because it could finally get him out of all the legal debt he accrued during his dog-fighting trial and it symbolically completed his comeback. That's neither here nor there to me. What I don't get are all the people talking about his $100 million dollar deal as if it's real. NFL contracts aren't usually worth the paper they are written on. Almost nothing is guaranteed. Even is Vick stays healthy (which, given the way he plays, won't happen), there is no way he's going to see all that money. Haven't people learned this by now? That total the team announces is if he attends every workout and achieved every performance bonus. It sounds nice and impressive to throw out this massive round number and it makes the player, his agent and the team all sound really good, but the reality falls far short of that. It is just sad that sports writers think the rest of us don't realize that.

-Houston running back Arian Foster has been on the shelf with a hamstring injury for the past couple of weeks. A few days ago he Tweeted a picture of his hamstring's MRI and said he was good to go. As you can imagine, the Texans were not amused. Especially when several doctors in the employment of ESPN looked at that MRI and said, "Um, no he's not." Not only does this make Foster's doctor look bad, but now every team Houston is going to be playing knows just where to aim when they try and tackle Foster. Moral of the story: medical records are private for a reason.

-After first saying they were planning to leave the Big 12, then backing off when they weren't invited to join the SEC, Texas A&M sent a letter to the Big 12 Commissioner the other night officially announcing their intention to leave the conference. Oh my God, just go already. The back-and-forth is getting on my nerves. It isn't like A&M has this long and storied history with the Big 12 - it's only been around since 1996. Honestly, I'm not sure A&M is good enough to compete in the SEC anyway, so it is not like it will change the college football landscape. This would be like the Memphis Grizzlies taking forever to decide whether to be in the Eastern or the Western Conference in the NBA. You're not going to make an impact either way, so just hurry up, make a decision and get off the stage.

-Here's a cautionary tale for any NBA player thinking about playing overseas during the lockout: apparently Paul Pierce and Michael Beasley were on a promotional tour through China and playing in lots of tiny gyms. One thing they didn't count on was that roughly 60% of the Chinese population smokes and you can smoke pretty much anywhere you aren't performing open heart surgery. As such, the gyms were full of smoke and this lead to both players allegedly having breathing issues. That story should serve as a strict reminder - NBA players have it pretty good over here. They may need the threat of playing overseas to gain leverage in the labor negotiations, but at the end of the day I doubt many will actually follow through on that threat.

-For the longest time I haven't had an opinion on the belly putter craze sweeping the PGA Tour. Some people feel they should be illegal, because rules state that the club should not be anchored to the body. Other people say that is just an interpretation of the rules and they are perfectly within the laws. I wasn't planning on using one, so I didn't care one way or another. I say use whatever works for you. However, they are becoming so widespread that they are starting to annoy me. Walking around TPC Boston the other day, I couldn't get over how many guys are using them. Much in the same way driving behind the same person for too long makes you begin to hate them, seeing everyone making the switch to belly putters has caused me to form an irrational bias against them. More and more I'm starting to feel like if people want to ban them, it is alright in my book.