Faking Sincerity

This afternoon I was making a quick stop at my local deli when I paused to grab something out of the cooler next to the door. However, there was another guy in front of me who had the same thought, which caused me to have to wait for a few seconds in front of the exit while he made his selection. This didn't bother me, but it clearly bothered the old woman trying to leave the deli, because she shot me one of those, "Excuse me"s where the words do not match the tone. She might have said, "Excuse me", but the sentiment behind those words was purely, "Get the hell out of my way." Now, I can't totally blame her because I am not a small man so when I block a doorway I block a doorway - there was no option for her to squeeze by. Still, her tone bothered the hell out of me. It wasn't like I was blocking her exit on purpose, it had been about 5 seconds and while I get that when you are as old as she is time is not on your side, it still seemed to have a little more vitriol behind it than was necessary. I have to say I'm getting a little tired of people saying the polite thing, but doing so in an impolite way.

This is not to say I have never done this same thing, because of course I have. Everyone of us has said the polite thing when the thoughts behind it are far from civil. It's a social contract thing. But the second part of that contract is you have to at least act like you are sincere. I'm a huge fan of sarcasm (this blog consists mostly of sarcasm), but I will also admit it is not the most endearing of traits when talking to strangers. If you are going to put some attitude into your words or say the polite phrase in such a way as to let the other person know you don't really mean it, than I feel like there is simply no point in pretending. If that is your plan I would rather you just tell me to get the hell out of your way. Sure, our mothers would like it if we were actually really nice to those who didn't deserve it, turned the other cheek and so on, but that might be an unrealistic goal. Instead they should be happy they raised people who are honest, even to a fault. I've said it before: if you know you are an asshole, than just be an asshole. I may not like you but at least that way I can respect you.

The truly skilled people are the ones who can sound as though they mean it when they don't and some of us are better at it than others. Now, perhaps I appreciate the skill behind sounding one way while feeling another because I have seen some real pros in action. As I pursued my radio career and was tasked with losing a Boston accent I never knew I had, I was required to take numerous voice and diction classes in college to get that "newscaster" voice which makes everyone sound the same, no matter where they are from or what news they may be delivering. One of the first lessons we learned in this class was, "As long as you say it like you mean it, no one else has to know if you really do." Basically, even if you want to tell a person to screw, as along as you don't say it like that than their feelings won't get hurt. (We can debate how wise it is to essentially teach college students the most effective ways to lie another time.) Ironically, it takes a lot of hard work to fake this kind of stuff. One exercise was to improvise a newscast. You could tell who was going to have a solid career by the people who made you believe that what they were saying were facts, even as they were making it up on the spot.

I'm not saying that we all need to take acting classes to pretend to be sincerely polite in social situations. I'm simply saying that people should either say what they are really feeling or not say anything at all. Polite is either one of those things which you are or you aren't. If you aren't that's fine, but don't make your lack of social graces more evident by taking a tone which appears to mock the people who genuinely are. I know that we all have a fear of coming across as pushy to total strangers, but it is not like our brief interaction was going to lead to a life-long friendship anyway (seriously, if I had something else to write about this afternoon this might not have even come up), so if this woman simply wanted to tell me to move that would have been fine. In some ways it is admirable to be so comfortable about yourself that you don't even worry about what people think of you. Besides, they say that the way people act towards you is a reflection of how you act to the world, so in some ways dropping the false sincerity may be the best way to learn what people really think. Then again, maybe that lady was just rude and I'm way over-thinking this.