Commercial Breakdown

Last week I mentioned that I was watching a lot of coverage of the British Open on ESPN. Now, loyal readers know that when I watch a lot of the same sporting event and it's taking place over several hours, or in this case days, I start to see the same ads over and over again because these networks only have so many sponsors to go around and those sponsors can only make so many commercials at time. This repetition has an unwanted side effect, which is my brain starts to pick apart each commercial and before too long one starts to annoy me more than the rest. Well, this time it was no different. I must have seen the following commercial several dozen times, which means it is time for another commercial breakdown. Before we go any further, the advertisement in question:

:01 As you can see, these people are at a Speed Dating event. This raises my first question: does anyone know a single person who has ever participated in this kind of event? I certainly don't. I feel like speed dating, much like flash mobs, were something which were actually around in society for all of 10 minutes but the idea of them has been kept alive much longer by advertisers and people in the entertainment industry just as a way to advance a plot. I'm pretty sure they no longer exist in real life. So, before we're even a second in I feel like this commercial is built upon a falls premise.

:03 I've been on a few first dates in my time, so I know that jumping right in with the "I want to get married and have kids" thing is creepy. The stereotype is that only guys are freaked out by this approach and it is everything girls want to hear, but rest assured it actually freaks girls out just as much (go ahead and try it on your next first date if you don't believe me). In normal circumstance you should wait until at least the fifth date to bring this kind of stuff up, so I will say that in a speed dating situation that means waiting until at least minute 5.

:05 What is this website she is looking at? Aren't these things supposed to allow a certain level on anonymity unless you want to share your contact information with the other person? This woman doesn't have a really fast phone, she either has a stalking problem or is a hacker. Neither one is a good sign, but at least we have a reason as to why this woman needed to try speed dating.

:13 This is where the guy goes wrong. When confronted with a crazy woman who has been doing way too much digging into your business, you don't stammer your way through another lie - you should go on the defensive. Snooping women are like sharks - once they smell blood in the water they go in for the kill. He should have hit back with, "Why don't you put your iPhone down and try talking to people, since that is the purpose of this?" Not the nicest thing to say in the world, but I think we can all agree the chances for a second date were pretty slim to begin with.

:23 You see the creepy smile she breaks out when she catches him in a second lie? That's a woman who would rather be right and win the argument than be in a relationship. We've all worked with people like this and it is the main reason I hate iPhones. Also, the fact she is the only person on her phone shows she could probably stand to unplug for a few minutes. I'm sure this is the moment where I'm supposed to be taking delight in the guy's squirming, but honestly at this point I don't think I like either of these characters. I kind of hope they end up together, because I feel like they deserve one another.

:28 Oh, AT&T, I want to believe you and your promises of fast downloads, but that is far too much fine print down at the bottom of the screen in dim lettering which leads me to think you are qualifying the hell out of your previous statements about the quality of your network. Also, I have yet to meet one person who has your service for their iPhone and is happy with it, so I simply can't. I'll put it to you another way: I'll believe you have the fastest network as soon as I meet one couple who met while speed dating.