Opening Ceremony Ramblings

As a man who loves both pomp and circumstance, especially when mixed with irrational national pride, there is really no better event for me than the Opening Ceremony for the Olympic Games. I love everything about them, almost as much as I love sitting back and making smart-ass remarks, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style. With that combination, you can probably figure out why this is one of my favorite posts to write every two years. Now, normally I would have just Tweeted all these observations, but I have a policy regarding over-tweeting in one day. Also, since the games are in London I would be watching the proceedings on tape-delay, which meant I would be talking about things which happened hours ago and saying jokes which had probably already been said. With that in mind, I figured I would save them for here...

-Going in, everyone was wondering how this ceremony will compare to the Beijing Olympics, which kind of confuses me. So, are we just pretending that the Vancouver Games didn't happen or is there some kind of unwritten rule which states you can only compare the Summer Games to other Summer Games? Because in my mind London only has to out-do Vancouver and provided there are no beat poets or appearances by Avril Lavigne they should be in the clear.

-NBC did the highly annoying maneuver of telling me the ceremony would start at 7:30, when in reality they didn't start until 8. Instead I was treated to a half-hour of useless banter to kill time. If I wanted updates on security and the Olympic gymnastics team I would have watched the news. Also, I want less Ryan Seacrest in my life, not more. To me, this constitutes false advertising, which put NBC on my shit list. This would be a common theme throughout the evening.

-The opening video montage traced the River Thames from its source all the way to the city. Along the way there were clips of great moments in British sport, none of which meant a thing to me. Honestly, I don't even know what sport I was looking at half the time. (It might have been rugby.) Also, the video showed great British citizens through history, but I noticed they went from Sir Isaac Newton to John Lennon. Seems like a bit of a jump to me. I'm not sure if that was intended to save time, or point out the Empire had a bit of a lull there.

-When we got to live action it opened with what appeared to be The Shire from "Lord of the Rings". Probably would have worked better for the Sydney games, but no matter. It was very elaborate with kids playing games, people dancing, livestock and even a live cricket match (where, once again, I don't think even the participants knew all the rules.) That transformed into a darker, more mechanical time as director Danny Boyle was trying to tell the story of England's transformation with the Industrial Revolution. I'm sure it was supposed to be an indictment of the world's policy of destroying natural beauty in the name of progress, but A) it took too long and B) all I could think as I watched these performers pantomime working at machines is that British people have terrible rhythm.

-Speaking of rhythm, there were hundreds, if not thousands, of volunteers playing the drums for the majority of the ceremony. While I applaud their stamina, I do question how many of them actually know how to play the drums. I guess some of them could have learned in the months leading up to the event, but watching them I couldn't help but get this sinking suspicion that most of them were hitting and no sound was coming out.

-While we're on the subject of volunteers and learning, there was a segment designed to celebrate England's National Health Service. (At first I assumed the giant NHS in the middle of the stadium was a tribute to my high school, but apparently not.) This was followed by doctors and nurses dancing around - not people dressed as doctors and nurses but actual, licensed doctors and nurses. This got me thinking - how much time did they take away from work to learn the choreography? I would hate it if I showed up to my doctor's office with a serious illness and was told to come back tomorrow because my doctor was out taking swing lessons.

-It was about this time that Merideth Vieira and Matt Lauer started to get on my nerves. It was almost as though they couldn't wait to hear the sound of their own voices, because they just kept telling us what we were looking at. After a while it began to take on a feel similar to their coverage of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Well, I don't watch that for exactly this reason. If I can't tell what I'm watching to the point someone has to explain it to me as it is happening, than you're doing a shitty job of telling your story.

-Next there was the arrival of the Queen, set up by video of James Bond (Daniel Craig) escorting her to the games, where both "jumped" out of helicopters. Here is where my annoyance of Vieira and Lauer stepped up a notch, because they kept acting as though it was the Queen herself who jumped from the helicopter, when everyone on the planet knew that wasn't happening. Please, stop talking to us as though we're children. Also, they kept insisting this was going to be the moment which went viral. Actually, no it won't, because newscasters telling us something should go viral is the quickest way for a moment to not become an internet sensation. Lastly, I think Daniel Craig is a fine James Bond, but I still would rather they used Connery. I know at this point he's in his 80s, but so is the Queen. It is not like there were any stunts involved.

-I think the organizers also missed a chance for star power during the next segment, which was a tribute to all the great literary characters created by British authors. At one point a 100-foot tall Voldemort was fought by a swarm of flying Mary Poppins (as you do). How do you not get Julie Andrews for this moment? Honestly, she seems like she would be game for anything. Also, because of this ceremony, I am now convinced anyone under the age of 10 in the UK is required to wear pajamas at all times.

-Next came a tribute to all the great music which has come out of the UK in the last few decades. It would have been my favorite part, but they really zoomed past a few major acts because they were trying to advance some love story involving two characters they introduced us to 5 minutes earlier. I would have ditched the story and just focused on the music. Also, it feels like they skipped a couple of musicians, specifically Oasis. How do you not have any music from Oasis during this entire ceremony?

-Seriously, that question needs its own bullet point: How do you forget to include Oasis in the UK music section?

-Finally we got to the parade of nations, my biennial reminder of how much I suck at world geography. It's especially bad during the Summer Games because there are even more nations participating, which is just a nice way to be reminded that I don't know where 70% of these nations are. I was amused by how Matt Lauer and Bob Costas had to read through a fun-fact about each nation, like they were giving some kind of geography report in the fifth grade. Also, much like a fifth grade report, I'm fairly convinced most of these facts came straight from Wikipedia.

-Here was my last problem with NBC - they added way too many commercial breaks during this part. Knowing how TV works I would have been fine with it, except they would then come back and zoom through a few nations. This was on tape delay - they could have spaced out the breaks any way they wanted to. Hell, remember that 30 minutes of killing time I talked about at the top of the show? Why not eliminate that instead? Breezing past a country just because you want to show us another Cadillac ad is rather disrespectful to that nation. And, yes, all this anger stems from the fact Lithuania got 4 seconds of screen time.

-The US flag was being carried by fencer Mariel Zagunis. Now, she's a Notre Dame girl, so good for her. I like the idea of having the flag bearer be one of the lesser-known athletes, because it is not like LeBron James needs more airtime. That being said... really? I know the swimmers were unavailable because they were competing early the next day, but fencing may be a little too far into the bag.

-I couldn't help but notice that while Chris Paul, LeBron James and a couple other basketball players were walking together, Kobe Bryant was by himself. Draw your own conclusions on that one...

-There was a small controversy when it was revealed that the US uniforms were made in China. [Sidebar: I can tell whether or not I would vote for a politician by their response to the uniform gaff. If they said burn the uniforms and start over, regardless of cost, I want them gone.] Personally, I am much more offended by the ugly berets the team was asked to wear. This is what happens when you involve companies like Ralph Lauren, who don't make clothes for athletes to actually wear, just clothes for people who want to look as though they might trick you into thinking they could be an athlete.

-For some reason I feel like I am extra aware of the more obscure sports for these games. That is probably why as I watched the US team file in, it occurred to me that no horses were included. Honestly, behind the basketball teams, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte, Ann Romney's horse Rafalca might be the most talked about Olympian the US sent over (as evidenced by the fact I spent several minutes Googling to see if the horse's name should be spelled Rafalca or Rafalka). So the fact he didn't get to participate feels kind of unfair. His rider is the one who will get the medal, so you should let the horse have a little fun at some point, right? If you think he would be scared by the crowd, I would respond by telling you that if he couldn't be controlled than it would seems his jockey isn't Olympic-quality. And they already had live animals on the stage, so don't tell me a little waste was going to scare them away. Seriously, dressage seems like it is a raw deal for the horse.

-The buzz in the early afternoon was that Roger Bannister, the first man to break the 4-minute mile barrier, was getting the most action in the betting parlors as the person who would light the Olympic torch. That turned out to be incorrect, as the cauldron was lit by some kids who are supposed to be future Olympians (no pressure gang, but we did just let you light the Olympic torch). Frankly, I'm glad all the speculation was wrong, because earlier in the day I had been kind of bummed me out when it appeared the secret had been revealed. It is almost impossible to keep a secret these days, so I was glad the organizers pulled it off. It would have been unfortunate to keep a secret this long only to have the world find out who would receive this great honor based mostly on the fact that the oddsmakers had taken Bannister off the board.

-After the torch was lit, NBC came back to tell us the upcoming schedule of events and on which channels I could watch them. It was at this point I remembered that I really don't care about 97% of this stuff. The Olympics sort of encapsulate how I feel about baseball - I'm really excited for Opening Day, I periodically check in during the season for one or two games and then start paying attention again right at the end. So, other than the occasional Phelps race and when Lithuania plays the US in basketball, London, I will see you for the Closing Ceremonies.