Ninjas To The Rescue

Just last week I was writing about how much more I prefer watching movies at home instead of in a theater because too many people in theaters feel as though everyone around them has paid to hear a recap of their day and are dying to know their opinions about the action on the screen. Honestly, my last movie experience made me long for the old days when movies has ushers who would walk around with little flashlights and tell people to shut up. But, clearly movie chains decided it wasn't worth spending the money once they found out that movie goers could pretty much talk as much as they want and the majority of people are just going to sit there and quietly fume, but ultimately not doing anything about. Why pay someone to do a service most customers appeared willing to live without? A few instances of mob justice weren't enough to bring the ushers back and now the closest thing we have are a couple kids who walk around after the PSA before the movie with donation cups. If you want a loud movie-watcher to quiet down you are going to have to take matters into your own hands. Well, unless you are at the Prince Charles Cinema in London, because they have ninjas to shut those people up.

The Cinema has begun recruiting what it calls "Volunteer Ninjas" who watch the movie while wearing all-black jumpsuits and whose job it is to go around and reprimand anyone who is talking too loud, has a screaming child or is using a cellphone. No word on if they have the power to eject anyone who doesn't listen to them, but I would think the specter of a person appearing out of the totally darkness and telling you that you are being too loud would be rather persuasive. Since they are volunteers their only compensation is getting to watch the movie for free, which probably makes the theater happy as it doesn't increase their costs. My only remaining question is whether they have to pay for the suit or if they have to give it back at the end of each screening? This idea hasn't come state-side just yet, but I would imagine it is only a matter of time and when they do get here the line of volunteers is going to be long. Hell, we have people over here who dress as ninjas just because it is Friday, so giving them a chance to do it for a legitimate reason would be a bonus. Of course, that does make me wonder if this idea would work over here. So many people dress up in costumes to see a movie the night it opens that the ninjas may be the most normal-looking person there. Whose going to listen to a ninja while dressed as a pirate or a hobbit? (Actually, "Deadliest Warrior" may have done this one for us.)

That's not the only flaw in the plan, either. The biggest potential downside is that some people really don't like being shushed. Nine out of every ten people may blush with embarrassment and get off the phone, but that tenth person could have just been itching for someone to fight. Much like the news stories about people dressing up as superheroes to fight crime in their neighborhood only to discover they don't actually have superpowers, this could end badly for some 15 year-old who suddenly feels 10 feet tall and bulletproof because of an imaginary title and a suit, only to find out the hard way he isn't actually either of those things after he tries to tell the wrong person to be quiet. Also, those body suits do not leave much for the imagination, so I'm not sure volunteering will be for everyone. I've never worn one (obviously), but I also want to know how well you can actually see through them, because if you can't then suddenly this is a pretty raw deal for the ninja. Lastly (and probably most importantly), people are still on edge after the tragic shooting in a Colorado movie theater this year, so any theater that wants to employ this plan had better make they have plenty of signs up letting everyone know who these people are before the lights go down.

Those issues aside, it is hard to imagine anyone not getting behind any idea meant to get people to be quiet in a crowded movie theater. People who talk during movies are generally regarded as some of the worst people on the planet and I don't see them getting much in the way of sympathy just because they were publicly reprimanded. Any plan which gets frequent offenders to quiet down and turn off their cellphones is going to be accepted by the majority of movie-goers. This may seem both silly and a little extreme to some people (which it is) but we are talking about a fairly low-priority problem, so we may as well have a little fun with the solution. People talking at the movies is a huge annoyance, but it is just an annoyance so no need to have cops on duty or to start arguing for jail time. This is basically an inexpensive way for the theaters to go back to the old days of having ushers patrolling the aisles, but with a unique twist. Considering I'm unlikely to ever volunteer or get a visit from them I say we give the ninjas a try. Anything has got to be better than letting things keep going the way they are.