Dial 913

As much as I enjoy keeping up with what is making headlines on the national news on a daily basis, some of the most entertaining news stories are the ones I find in the small, local papers. Not only is it good to get the local perspective every once in a while, it always amuses me to read the local headlines and discover what people in my area find important. Sadly, what I usually find out is that a lot of people in the towns around me are kind of crazy. For example, last week one woman wrote a heartfelt editorial about how important it was that schools continued calling the two weeks students were given as vacation for Christmas and New Year's "Christmas vacation" rather than "Winter Break." Not only is that about the one millionth issue people should be worried about, I would also point out that it is almost June which means this doesn't need to be discussed until September at the earliest. Beyond that it appears that the main thing people want is quiet because the local police blotter is filled with noise complaints. It has been happening so frequently in Dedham that the town recently went back to look at its laws on the matter and took measures to reinforce them, especially for repeat offenders. Was this really the most pressing issue facing the town?

I guess part of the reason I don't understand why you would need to bring this matter before the town is that I have never called the police due to my neighbors being excessively loud. Don't get me wrong - I've had neighbors who have thrown parties and been loud much later than they should have been if they were the least bit considerate. However, as much as I hated them in that moment I also understood they would quiet down soon enough because it is not like they are member of the Rolling Stones - they would have to go to bed eventually, so why make it an issue? Also, it is not like they do this kind of thing all the time so why get into it with them unless it starts becoming habitual? On top of that I figure that while I am no a party animal there may come a day when I have people over and we may suddenly find ourselves being louder than we intended and by not calling the cops to complain about them they would paid me the same courtesy when the roles are reversed. (But, oh, if they ever called the cops on me for noise the amount of crap I would rain down on them in return would be incredible.) That's the thing about living in polite society - there is an unspoken social contract with the people who live around you, but if that contract is ever broken all hell breaks loose.

Another reason that I would never call the cops with a noise complaint is that I have been at parties when the cops showed up to tell us to keep the noise down and saw the look on their faces. Trust me, they didn't want to be the ones answering this call and it sure sounded like they resented the people who called in the noise violation a lot more than the people who were actually making the noise. Really, who can blame them in that moment? Every little kid who grows up dreaming of becoming a cop does so while imagining taking down bad guys and saving the town, not ruining everyone's good time over something which isn't even a major law. (Anything which can be settled by saying, "Hey, could you guys keep it down?" can't really be a crime.) I know every job has its tedious moments, but there could be real crime going on at that moment and they would much rather being off doing that. Look, I probably love sleep more than the average human and when someone is preventing me from either going to bed or staying asleep I completely understand wanting to make them shut up. But that does not mean you need to get law enforcement involved because I'm pretty sure if you went to your neighbors and asked them to be quiet they would immediately tone it down. It's only after they ignore your polite request that I feel like you should involve the authorities, but even then it feels like there should be something you could do short of calling the cops. They have much better things to be doing and asking them to tell your neighbors to be quiet because you are too afraid to do so on your own is akin to tattling.

That is why I think there should be a level of authorities slightly below the police whose only reason for existing is to deal with the minor stuff. I understand that police have all that training so they are able to deal with all kinds of situations, but at some point these calls must feel like a waste of their skills. That is why we should make the police department more specialized. I mean, we already have something like this idea in place with meter maids who have some power, but only enough to deal with parking issues and then on the other end of the scale we have the elite guys in SWAT units who are only called when things get really out of hand. A level sort of between meter maids and cops to deal with noise complaints or other crimes such as loitering and working construction details would be good for everyone, provided we don't actually give them guns because there is actually nothing with than a person with a small amount of power but a large amount of firearms. That would free up cops to work on the more important issues facing the town without having to drop what they are doing because someone thinks their neighbors are laughing just a little too loudly at 11 PM on a Saturday night. The good news for the people who call to complain about noise is that under my new system cops are more focused and should be more efficient. And since the people who call to complain about noise are likely to also write editorials to the local paper it works out for them as well because, while I don't want to promise anything, maybe once they get crime rates down we can finally circle back to that whole "what should we call our vacation" issue because I know worrying about that has been keeping some people up all night more than loud music ever would.