A Golden Ticket

Even though I know waiting for things is just part of the human experience, I will admit that when it comes to certain aspects of my life I am not a patient man. Some of the best (worst?) illustrations of this come in regards to food. When I am hungry I do not like to wait one second longer than I have to, even though on occasion letting things happen slowly would be to my benefit. For example, I know food tastes better when it is reheated in the oven versus the microwave, yet I can not bring myself to wait 10 minutes for the oven to heat up to the desired temperature and then cook something for an additional 20 minutes when the microwave can complete the same task in 2 minutes. In my mind soggy and done is better than crispy and a half-hour away. The only thing comforting me about this flawed aspect of my personality is that I know compared to a lot of people I look like the picture of patience. These days everyone wants their item and they want it 5 minutes ago. Personally, I blame technology for this. As computers have gotten faster and more accessible people have gotten used to being able to call things up at a moments notice and have it downloaded just as quickly, to the point we expect digital speeds for physical items. The things which we all used to accept would take time as part of the cost of doing business, such as waiting for packages to arrive, has been eliminated as now you can have almost anything shipped to your door in a day. All it takes is money. If you have the money and are willing to spend it, waiting can be a thing of the past.

This point was really driven home yesterday when I learned that you can buy a ticket to see a screening of "Anchorman 2" on December 18th, two days before its scheduled world-wide release date, and all you have to do is be willing to pay $50 for the experience. I know that sounds like a lot for a movie, but if it makes you feel any better you also get popcorn, a pair of 3-D glasses and a movie poster included. (Considering there is no reason for this movie to be in 3-D and even if there were the theater would hand out 3-D glasses as well as the fact movie tickets, popcorn and a poster still should only add up to about $30 it really shouldn't make you feel any better.) Personally, this may be the biggest waste of money I have ever heard of, which is saying something since I get the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. Now, don't get me wrong I am as excited about the new "Anchorman" as the next guy. A couple weeks ago I told you about how funny I find those Ron Burgundy Dodge ads and every preview I see for the movie makes it look like my concerns regarding the quality of the film were misplaced. But those are also enough to tide me over until the movie comes out on. There is no reason I would ever spend approximately 400% more to see it 48 hours before the rest of the world. I'm always saying that price impacts enjoyment. Well, can you really enjoy a comedy when a part of your brain keeps gnawing at your for wasting all that extra cash? Plus, with any sequel there is a chance it will just be a recycled version of the first movie. That is annoying no matter how much the ticket costs, but how mad would you be if you spent $50 only to find out you already heard most of the movie's punchlines (also likely given how much movie trailers reveal)? It just seems so obvious that there are better things to spend you money on.

Sure, there are times when getting something first would be worth the money - new gaming systems, sports tickets, anti-zombie vaccine - but this is not one of those times. One of the reasons I like movies so much is that even though you watch them in a dark room without talking to the people around you they still end up being a social experience. Think about the last movie you saw and the first thing you wanted to do after it was over. My guess is that you wanted to talk about how great or awful it was with another person who had also seen the film, going over the best parts and dissecting the actors' performances. Well, you can't really do that in this case unless several of your friends are also stupid with their money and went to the screening with you. Plus, as much as I love a good comedy, they are the worst kind of movies to attempt to recap for your friends because explaining why something was funny was nearly impossible. After a few minutes of getting blankly stared at all you can do is say, "Well, you'll just have to wait until you see the movie for yourself." Suddenly that extra 48 hours you had on the competition is lost and they have $20 extra to spend on snacks. Thus the only thing appealing about this opportunity comes if you are the kind of person who likes to spoil the endings of movies for people, in which case you probably have the extra money to spend on a movie ticket because you never worry about having money saved up for things like going out to dinner with your friends, as you never get invited.

Look, I understand the pull of exclusivity. Few things in life are as much fun as knowing something before everyone else and it is not like they are charging hundreds of dollars to be part of this. The thing is this doesn't really feel all that exclusive. I mean, think about it - this "exclusive" screening is going to be packed. I hate seeing a movie in a crowded theater. You'd assume anyone who pays to be part of this kind of screening would shut up and enjoy it, but for every person who is there because they simply couldn't wait another day there will be significant others who have been dragged to the show and will be showing their displeasure by texting the whole time as well as people who bought tickets just to be able to say they are seeing something first and will be live-tweeting the movie. In other words, the same crowd who fill up a normal movie screening. Meanwhile, if I hold out for a couple weeks once the movie is out and wait to see it until after the New Year (not all that hard considering all the craziness which happens in the days leading up to Christmas and the days after it) I could go on a random Wednesday afternoon and have the theater mostly to myself, while paying the matinee rate. That just sounds like a much more enjoyable way to see a movie. Sure, someone else may know the jokes first but I will be part of the crowd who thought it through and made a wise decision regarding my time and money. Judging by how fast these tickets are going, that would appear to really put me in an exclusive club.