What A Twist!

At this point in my life I pretty much ignore any health warnings I hear about on my local news. It is not that I don't want to remain healthy, only that I have finally caught on to the fact the medical "experts" these channels hire to appear on-screen have no idea if something is actually good for us or not. Sure, they can say with conviction that eating too much of one kind of food is bad for us today, but by this time next year that same doctor will be on TV telling us that as a society we aren't eating enough of it. For example, is water good for us? I don't know either. When I was growing up they told you to drink 6 glasses a day (and I always found it frustrating that they never told you what amount equaled a glass). Now experts say that is probably way too much water and I fully expect them to change that position shortly. That is why my policy is just eat the stuff I like but try not indulge to the point of excess. The good news is that the food retailers tend not to overreact so when these doctors reverse their findings the items are still on the shelves waiting for us. It gets a little trickier when it comes to objects around the home because when the news declares those things bad for us they just disappear from the planet. You couldn't buy lead paint right now if you tried (though, admittedly, I don't know why you would want to). It is always discerning to learn you've unknowingly been using an unhealthy object all your life which is why I was stunned yesterday to learn that up in Canada they have begun to ban something I use everyday without even thinking about it - door knobs.

I know it sounds like something which would appear in The Onion but apparently this story is true: Vancouver recently adopted a provision banning door knobs in all new construction, including private homes, in favor of levers. They contend these levers will be easier for elderly people to open. (Jees, it must be nice to live in a place where all the other problems in the world have already been taken care of.) First off, I find this to be terribly condescending to the elderly. If there is one thing the senior citizens in my life have taught me is that they hate being treated like they are elderly. Passing a law which essentially states you no longer think that majority of your senior citizens have the upper body strength or mental capacity to figure out how to use a door knob - something they have been using literally their entire lives - is, at best, patronizing. (This really feels like a law which was thought up because one member of Vancouver's planning board has an elderly parent and they couldn't bring themselves to change their parent's locks on their own, then figured out it would be easier to do it if they hid it under the guise of a new law.) We're not asking them to upload a retina scan to the internet - it's a door knob. Besides this is Vancouver, Canada. Not only does that mean the place has universal health care it also has a very relaxed policy regarding marijuana. If any of those old people are having arthritis issues I would image they are taken care of before they leave their house. A house, I would point out, which probably has a door knob on the front door. If they can figure out the one in their home it is safe to assume the real world one won't present much of a challenge and if it does maybe they should be staying home anyway.

Now, as insane as this story sounds at first, second and 15th glance, there is a case to be made that this won't actually be too much of a change. I mean, when was the last time you were going to enter a newer building and had to turn a door knob to do so? Most public places already have handles or automatic doors, so in some ways this is like making a law which says all new buildings must have two fire exits even though most already do. You could also argue this new law will make the city much more sanitary. Even when there is nothing going around your average door knob is covered in germs you have to get on your hand if you want to leave but doors equipped with these easy levers could be pushed open with a couple fingers or even an elbow during cold and flu season. A version of this law is already in place in Ottawa and no one there seems to have any complaints. (Although, again, this is Canada, which means even the complaints would be done in a polite matter.) The big difference this time around is the fact you can't have door knobs on your own home if it is a new construction. That seems awfully invasive to me. Canadians always like to point at Americans and say we aren't as free as we think we are (with New York putting limits on our sodas they may have a point) but even with all our country's flaws at least no one comes in and tells me what kind of door handles I can or can't have. I'm not arguing people put a lot of thought into their door knobs when building a new house but they should have the option.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and say something crazy like door knobs are even in the top-15 for all-time inventions. My bedroom door has this very odd habit of unlocking itself randomly and causing the door swing open (and this is not even the first time I have had a door with this issue) so clearly there are some flaws with the design which is why they have never been popular in high-traffic areas. Also, it is not like door knobs are very cool - there was a reason when I was growing up I wanted the door to my house to be like the revolving ones you see in skyscrapers. But what I will defend is the right for people to put a poorly-designed item in their house if that is what they want to do, especially when that item is not dangerous. You want to ban me from putting a fire pit in my living room I can see why but a door knob is not in danger of burning down mine or my neighbor's houses. A creaky door knob is, on its worst day, inconvenient and even if were were going to start creating laws to get rid of inconvenient items door knobs would be pretty far down the list. I guess I am also surprised that this law came from such a large city. You would expect this kind of absurd law to come from a small place, not one with half a million citizens. Either way I will be fascinated to see if there is any kind of backlash from the doorknob enthusiast (there is already outrage from the people who sell them) or if this law starts to take hold. Because even though today this law only applies to Vancouver if all goes well I have to imagine it is only a matter of time before it becomes law in places like Toronto, because it totally sounds like a law someone would think of while they are smoking crack.