A Letter To My Immune System

Dear Immune System,

Dude, what the hell? We make it all the way through one of the worst winters on record without getting sick once and now, just as spring has arrived, you take off and let me get shellacked by some random virus. I don't even know what the hell it is because the symptoms keeps shifting - I just know it sucks. Also, you let it arrive with no warning so I had no time to prep myself. I felt slightly off on Thursday, but I assumed that was more from being tired after a couple of late nights/early mornings and not an indication I was going to wake up on Friday feeling like I was hit by a truck. (I mean, I was so sore my teeth hurt. That's not even an exaggeration. Who has ever even heard of such a thing?) And how did I manage to fall asleep just fine, yet wake up with a painful cough that would make a 20-year, pack-a-day smoker proud?

Plus, your timing couldn't have been worse. I actually had plans for Friday night. How many plan-less Fridays passed in perfect health? I would guess dozens. Sure, I still went out, but ended up out on the deck on a 60-degree night wearing a sweatshirt and standing next to a huge fire pit while still shivering like an asshole. Not to mention, it was the first 70-degree day we've had in about six months. I was going to finally go and hit golf balls, but instead I was stuck inside feeling miserable. And a bonus 'thanks a lot' for not clearing up enough for me to function until this morning, when it is forty degrees cooler and snowing. Way to work it out for the worst possible timing. I didn't even get to enjoy a day of laying on the couch watching basketball, which was the one thing that should have come from being sick on the third day of March Madness, because I spent the day drifting in and out of consciousness after being up all Friday night coughing, sneezing and trying not to drown in the fluids that were building up because I happen to like sleeping on my back.

Anyway, now that you are back at your post and we continue to rid me of what's left of whatever the hell this was, I have a few requests:
1. Could we perhaps pick a temperature and stick with it? There is nothing worse than shivering, making myself a hot beverage to counteract the cold and then sweating like I'm sitting in a sauna after two sips.
2. Enough with the nausea. Either make with the puke or don't. But this "starving, eat something, sit with a bucket between my legs while nothing happens" routine is so very old. I don't know how women do it for nine months.
3. At least give me one nostril to work with. Honestly, mouth-breathing is not a good look.
4. Since I'm doing all this coughing, could it actually have a positive effect? Really, I wouldn't mind all the hacking if at the end of it my lungs didn't sound like they were still full of TVs getting bad reception.

Now despite all that, Immune System, I'm going to give you a pass for letting this virus slip through. We've all had bad days at work. But, this was a one-time, get-out-jail-free card. This happens over the summer and I'm going to think about actually going to a doctor. You've been warned.