Big Tom's Guide to New Years (2008 Edition)

Editor's note: this is something I wrote several years ago and just sent to my friends in a mass email. I'd been updating it and sending it around every year but this year I decided to just put it on my blog, cause I'm lazy like that.

Alright, so here comes New Year’s Eve. The last day of 2008. Now, I used to hate New Year’s Eve, cause its just sucked every year. There hadn’t been a day with more of a buildup and less of a payoff since my prom. However, I've come around on it. With so many people talking about how the day has become so over-rated it actually has made it under-rated. I've found it's all about managing expectations and planning. Don't worry, Big Tom has you covered. I’ve figured out a few rules that can help us all have an enjoyable night. Feel free to jot these down...

Location, Location, Location:
You would think that picking a destination would be a fairly easy thing to do. But, when you’re try to get this many people in line (and let’s face it, for some reason, this the day that you call people you haven’t talked to since last New Year’s) it’s a chore. It can be done, however, if you just keep the following in mind:

1. Everyone is going out. That’s right, even your local quiet bar is going to be overflowing with people tonight. Trying to find someplace that won’t be packed to capacity is like trying to find an Eagles fan who doesn’t hate Terrell Owens (shut up, that joke still works). Just make sure that everyone’s cell phone is charged so you can coordinate where you’re heading after the first place you go invariably sucks.
2. House or Bar? This essentially comes down to a personality question: would you rather be someplace sitting in a corner and cracking on drunk assholes that you don’t know, or sitting in a corner cracking on the drunk assholes that you do know?
3. Avoid “Theme” parties. I know it sounds like a great idea – “We can all wear costumes on New Years!” Yeah, well, New Coke sounded like a good idea once too. Here’s what happens: 1/3 of the people put a lot of time and effort into their costumes (usually these are the former theatre geeks), another 1/3 puts just enough effort in to get in the door and the other 1/3 don’t wear anything. This ends up dividing the party before it even starts. Just say no, people.


Drinking:
One of my bigger pet peeves of the New Years Eve tradition. It’s completely amateur night - same reason I can’t stand St. Patrick’s Day. Honestly, it’s insulting to the experienced drinkers in the room. But keep a few things in mind and you’ll be ok.

1. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re passing out by 3 in the afternoon, then you look just like the jackass that you are. Stick to the 1-2 drinks an hour rule until 10ish, and then go for the gusto.
2. Avoid the hard stuff early. Again, this is just so you don’t waste yourself by the time the party gets going. Also keep in mind that a Sex on The Beach will run you $12 tonight and you can stick with good ole beer for now.
3. No Guinness. As good as it may be, fills you up far too quickly.
4. Don’t be that guy. You know the one. Every guy in the bar is scooping out his chick and everyone is looking at him “like he knows me.” All it takes is one off-hand comment and he’s ready to take it to the street. Frankly, I let them get beat up - I think a good ass-kicking every now and again is a good way to keep life in perspective. But, how about you just keep your hands to yourself and not make your friends worry about that?
5. Don’t do Shots. Not only are they expensive as all hell tonight, and not only will they knock you on your ass far too quickly, but shots are the official ‘this party sucks’ line. They should be the last line of defense. Doing shots is conceding defeat and admitting you’ve played every game, told every joke, talked about every topic and now have nothing left to do but get as drunk as you can…

Transportation:
All you’ll hear all day is how much better for the world public transportation is. That’s a lovely notion, but I didn’t buy a big ‘ole SUV to have it sit in my driveway. Plus, at the rate President Bush is working to get things done by January 20th, the world is probably ending soon, anyways. Bite the bullet and spend the $40 to park in the city. True, you won’t get to spend as much of your money on drinks, but trust me, it’s better. Here’s why:

1. Move at your own pace. Get there when you want, leave when you want. Few things in life are as annoying as being in a crappy bar longer than you have to, because the train doesn’t leave for another 45 minutes.
2. Space. There is NOTHING worse than the train ride home on New Years. It’s full of the previously-mentioned amateurs who can’t hold their liquor, packed in like sardines. 14 year-olds who think they’re cool as they puke on the floor, combined with huge, sweaty, fat guys who couldn’t get a date - all right on top of you. Then, some brainiac decides to light a match to cover the puke smell and there goes all the oxygen out of the car. I believe this is how they get confessions out of terrorists.
3. Time. You may think the train is faster - trust me, its not. A normal train ride of 30 minutes takes over an hour on New Years. It’s the New Year’s scale – multiply everything (i.e., price or time) by at least two. Think about that, then re-read point #2.

Music:
Keep in mind the first song you hear in 2009 is supposed to be your song for the ENTIRE YEAR. Make it a good one. (For example, if I get stuck with anything pop princessy, I will be severely pissed off. Sinatra and Barry White are always good ones to have ready to go.) Get your requests in to the DJ early. If you’re at home you get one turn around the radio dial – that’s it. And if you’re the DJ for your gathering, a few simple rules:

1. Nothing too depressing. It’s a party for Christ-sake. Keep it light.
2. Nothing indie. Hey, you may be on the cutting edge of music. Not everyone else is. If this gets you down, just keep telling yourself that not everyone is as cool as you. But still, stick to songs everyone knows and can sing along to.
3. The Macarena, Locomotion, Celebration and We like to Party are NEVER acceptable. This one isn’t just for New Year’s Eve… I mean EVER.
4.Nothing from your childhood – stay modern. I know it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside to cling to your childhood as you get a year older. Just don’t do it in public. You can listen to Rainbow Connection when you get home.
5. Nothing that involves a ready-made dance. It’s going to be hard enough to walk home without adding a twisted ankle after you fall on your drunk ass. Also, it’s inconsiderate to those of us who may be 6’4”, have size 14 feet and be white Lithuanian/Irish guys (we only have but so much rhythm).

Dates (if you have one):
Well, I’m proud of you. You’ve gotten over the big hurdle and found someone. But just keep a few things in mind.

1. Your significant other will talk to members of the opposite sex tonight. This is for those of you who have a jealousy problem (we’ve already talked a little about you). Keep in mind alcohol is added to the mix tonight so people are a little more touchy-feely. But calm down – they’re still going home with you. Give them a lot of slack, as long as they’re with you when the ball drops.
2. Save the drama for your mama. This already a pretty stressful night, getting in, paying out the ass for stuff and feeling pretty much obligated to have fun. If a petty argument breaks out, don’t compound the situation by bringing up everything the person has done in the past year to piss you off… save it as ammo for the next fight.

And one final thing to those with dates (specifically those in long-term situations): Don’t propose on New Year’s. It’s incredibly unoriginal and steals everyone else’s thunder for the night. Not to mention, then other people will have to deal with the “When are you two getting engaged?” question. That’s very annoying.

Dates (if you don’t have one):
Hey, its all good, girlfriends pretty much suck anyways. Better to fly solo than stick with someone you're not that into. But, no need to go into 2009 alone.

1. Scope out your target. Hell, every other person is trying to figure out who else is single. If you spy a cute guy/girl, keep an eye out and keep them in mind so you’re not scrambling at 11:45.
2. Look for a girl with a tongue ring. This one doesn’t really need an explanation, does it?
3. Have a backup plan. Be ready for the rejection. Have 2 or 3 potential New Year’s hook-ups in mind.
4. Don’t attack too early. Buying a girl 3 drinks at 9 does nothing for you. First off, chances are she’ll be a lot more plastered and a lot more forgetful of just who the hell you are by midnight. And, don’t forget drinks are very expensive tonight. Wait until 10:30 and then go plant yourself by your target.
5. Have some fucking pride, man… So what if she has a thicker moustache than me? A kiss is still a kiss on New Year’s… right? NO. If you’re ashamed to tell your buddies about your new best girl, Hilga, then you’re better off going without.

The Kiss:
Alright, the payoff. Here’s where things get interesting:

1. How much is too much? Displays of public affection are fine. But there is a line that is drawn. Save the good stuff for when you get home. Plus, it’s very rude for those without dates.
2. Don’t make me get the fire hose. Look, bottom line here – all this really means is ‘hurrah, it’s Thursday morning.’ Not to mention, you know as well as I do that it’ll take you until February to actually start writing 2009 on checks. No need to start a make out session on the floor of whoever’s club, house or basement you may be in.
3. Be polite. If this is your first kiss with someone, don’t go in tongue first. If it wasn’t New Years then chances are you wouldn’t be getting anything anyways.
4. Don’t ask, Don’t tell. Hey, what happens on New Years stays on New Years. If, for whatever reason, your significant other can’t be with you this evening, don’t feel horrible giving someone else a polite peck on the cheek. If they’re not with you then my guess is the ‘different area code’ rule is in effect, anyhow. But, it stops at a kiss. No more. New Years is not a cheating holiday – we all know that’s Arbor Day.


2 Final Pieces of Advice:

Don’t get any on you… no matter what it is.

Tonight, spend money like there is no tomorrow, versus spending tonight like there’s no money.


"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it”.
~Raymond Chandler

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."
~Warwick Franks


Stay safe, have fun and talk to you in 2009…

-Big Tom

Wait for it...

I've got an extremely lengthy post set for tomorrow, so in the meantime you're just getting a quickie.

-Here's a fun article about the 5 types of New Year's parties. I've done #2, #4 and #5; apparently we're aiming for #1 this year. Alas, I may now be too old to ever experience #3.

-Wait, a guy got drunk and his only thought was "I should break into a hockey arena and try to drive the Zamboni." This clearly was in either Michigan, Maine or Canada. I'm gonna go with Canada. And the winner is... Maine. Dammit, I knew it.

-Happy Birthday Frank (it's your birthday so I won't call you Franny for today). And, I have a good feeling that 2009 is the year of Frank.

The Playoffs and Sexy Trainers

-Well, so much for a playoff system being the perfect solution. If you want a case for the BCS, then you can simply point out that in the NFL an 11 win Patriots team will be home for the playoffs while an 8 win San Diego Chargers team will not only get to be in the playoffs, but they'll get to host a 12 win Colts team. I'm not going to get too upset about this, because I'm sure in a couple years this'll come back in a reverse situation that helps the Patriots (as it usually does). But if you're the NFL you can't be happy to know that not all the best teams are playing for the championship.

As for the Patriots offseason, I would like to see them spend a high draft pick on a corner. They need someone to put across from Ellis Hobbs and be able to leave that guy on an island. Also, since I don't expect to see Bruschi back, they'll have to think about drafting another linebacker in the early rounds. And, despite recent reports about Brady's knee, I just don't see any way to keep Cassel. Franchising him would be too costly against the cap and I can't imagine he'd take a short deal to stay here just for next season. Best they can do is hope the reports about Brady's knee are off and that O'Connell has a steep learning curve.

-Here's further proof that I was born too soon: did your high school come with a hot, 23 year-old, blonde, bi-sexual trainer who has a thing for high school kids? Neither did mine. And when are people going to catch on that high schoolers are incapable of keeping inappropriate pictures taken on camera phones to themselves?

-You know what's kind of annoying me this week? The quality of DVD cases. I recently received a couple of seasons worth of television shows for Christmas and the cases that hold the CD's were all cracked. Wait, cracked may be too nice a word. In one of them the tabs that hold the DVD in place were essentially non-existent. The DVD's themselves work fine, so it's more an issue of craftsmanship. As you can tell, since I have time to watch all of these DVD's to discover this, I'm whicked busy this week. Tomorrow you may get my scathing thoughts on quality of Ikea lazy susans.

Kids + Church

= fun.

I've found that if you add a couple of almost two year-olds to the mix, it really spices up the whole religious experience.

The first time it happened was Christmas Eve. I was in church with my mom and dad, when the Brenizers arrived and sat in front of us. First off, Charlotte is always a good distraction, cause you are always trying to figure out what is so funny to her. The kid is just always giggling at something. But Addison was also being slightly fidgety. She would bounce from Shivaun, to Marshall, to my mom, to me, to my dad. She also enjoyed handing me all the hymnal books from her row into mine. But the funniest thing was that she apparently has no memory, cause she spotted my dad when she first sat down and said "POPPA." But then about five minutes later, she turned around and discovered him all over again "POPPA!" This happened all night. As a result of the show, church seemed to breeze past.

Then today we were back in church for Charlotte's Christening. When the deacon asked Shivaun and Marshall "What name do you give this child?" from three rows back you could hear Abigail clear as a bell: "ADDY BOBO." Not quite, sweetheart. Abigail then saw Marshall and started requesting his attention: "Unca Marshall! Unca Marshall!" She now had the attention of the entire side of the church that had our family (easily 60 people). Meanwhile, the other family (like 15-20 people) that was having their son christened were trying to hear the sermon from the deacon, who you could tell worked really hard on it. My side: couldn't tell you a thing he said. But, I'm sure it was lovely.

Links...

In between the time I was working on my putting on my new practice green, I spent the day watching episodes of Bones, Family Guy and college football. Thus, I wasn't being creative and so you're just getting links for today.

-Nice to see that Tom Brady is going to make Giselle an honest woman. I have to say, I saw her around the stadium after a couple games last season and she is much hotter in person. I wasn't expecting much, cause I thought she would be too skinny for my tastes (and, yeah, she is the size of my thigh) but she's stunning in person. I would say the best way to describe her features are 'striking'.

-So, VHS format is dead you say? Well, Captain 2000, what else do you wish to report? Should I stop holding out for the new Crash Test Dummies album? How goes the fight for cassette tapes? (Actually, I know this how this one is going. People were checking out my room on Christmas and Rita seemed genuinely surprised that I actually had a cassette rack in my room.) I was in the process of buying all the movies that I only have on VHS in DVD form, but now I'm wondering if I should just skip that and go straight to BluRay.

-Sweet, only 363 days to next Christmas. The list is starting early...

Holiday Recap...

Yesterday was a fantastic day, as always. It was a little different, given that it was here versus Mamie's for the first time in my life, but it was still excellent. It was a very Notre Dame, Celtic and golf Christmas and I made out like a bandit like usual. But the real winners were the girls, who could now open their own Toys 'R Us.

I will say this: No more weddings or births (the only way to merit your own stocking from Mamie and Mike) until a larger mantle is put in. The wood was straining under all the weight.

(There's 26 stockings, for those of you who were wondering.)

-Excellent Hawaii Bowl win for the Irish on Christmas Eve. They came out like they needed the win and they got it. It's a great way to end the season and a terrific building block for next year. The bowl losing streak is over, the goal for next season is 9 wins.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday.


And a Special Birthday Wish to Liz. Happy Birthday to the world traveller.

Here's to many more...

Lesson learned...

See, this is why I love hanging out with Liz - I learn things.

For example I learned that John Harvard's has an ale that comes with sugar and cinnamon around the rim to give it flavor... and that it's quite good.

I also learned that two pitchers for two people are probably more that we should have had.

As an added bonus I'm about to learn what it's like to be in church with a good buzz.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Hawaii Bowl Prediction...

When the game tips off tonight I would like to see the Irish run the ball. According to every scouting report I've seen, the Warriors are terrible on the lines. And Notre Dame, while it may not boast the best line in the country like Alabama, is pretty good up front. So, expect the running game to be a huge factor tonight. I just hope Charlie doesn't out-think himself and try and get too cute, calling something like 24 straight runs just to prove a point to Clausen. He'll be calling the plays again in offensive coordinator Mike Haywood's last game, as he is expected to be named the new coach at Miami (OH) next week (thanks for that, Miami, now Charlie doesn't have to fire him after the season and it appears that was happening anyway).

Bottom line is that the Irish need a win here. They can't have a second straight losing season. 7-6 may not be the record people wanted, but it's still better than 6-8. The team should take this trip seriously and not just look at it as a free vacation. Also, hopefully Coach Weis didn't just spend the extra three weeks of practice looking at the young guys and that a gameplan was put in during that time as well.

People want to talk about how Hawaii played Cincinnati really tough. That's fine, but I feel like the Irish are better than the Bearcats. This Irish team needs to end this season on a high note. They haven't won a bowl game in forever and could use the positive publicity of ending the season with a bowl win. As weird as it may seem, Notre Dame will be the more desperate team in Hawaii.

I always like to back the team that seems more needy, so I'm picking the Irish (big shock) 31-17.

-And now I'm off to Natick, to take Liz out for lunch in celebration of Lizmas.

Ready for Christmas...

I think I'm almost ready for the big day, but I'd better double check... in picture form.

Two feet of snow on the ground?
Yep. White Christmas Achieved.

Gift list?
Checked, double checked and checked again.
(Thanks, OCD)

My Mom's obsession with Santa Claus?
On display.

Real tree that's almost too big for the room?
Done and done.

Fake tree to show the neighbors our classy side?
All set.

Presents?
Wrapped and accounted for.
(Except for one FedEx assures me will be here tomorrow.)

OK, I think I'm alright with it being Christmas now...

But, just in case you're not there yet, here's one Family Guy moment to get you in the mood...

Under Armour

-Personally, I love Under Armour. It makes you look jacked, even when you're not, and it keeps you relatively warm when you're shoveling for 3 hours. I just have a couple problems with it. I know that the way the stuff works (roughly) is that it is beyond tight and insulated, which keeps any body heat you have trapped close to your body, which in turn keeps you warm. So, I understand that you should have to squeeze into it and get a suddenly level of familiarity with how sausage is made. I'm with you on that. But, if you wear anything XXL, as I do, you expect a level of understanding from the manufacturer that you are not the average man. Hence, a little more room in the neck would be great. I was rocking an Under Armour turtleneck yesterday when I was shoveling and it was like being slowly strangled by a really weak guy for three hours. I know that not everyone has the 18.5-inch neck that I do, and that's fine, but would it kill you to not have the neck be so tight?

-Another company that needs to fix this is Reebok. They really need to amend their product labels from "One Size Fits All" to "One Size Fits Most." You're dealing with the rare combination of Lithuanian and Irish sized-head here. My new hat spent the afternoon working it way slowly up before just popping off the top of my head.

-My only other Under Armour complaint is with their stores. They're all really dark, really loud with weird techno music and have strange metal just hanging from their ceilings and walls. It's like you're walking into ThunderDome. Dude, I just wanted some gloves.

-Speaking of ThunderDome, over the weekend it snowed, then iced, then snowed, then iced again. As a result, there's a nice layer of snow/ice/slush in most parking lots around the area. So, as I went out to do my last holiday shopping I had to negotiate my way around these messed up spaces. But, my fellow drivers, I need to have a word with you: when you can't see the lines, it's ok to do your best to try and still park in an orderly fashion. Snow is not an excuse to park east to west when the rest of us park north to south. And, just because there is snow on the ground that doesn't mean you can ignore the lines if you can see them. You should still only take up the normal one space. This isn't a free for all, people, it's a Toys R' Us parking lot.

-Clearly, I've fixed my embedding issues, so here's a funny comedian for you to check out.

Who Are These People?

-When we get the first snowfall around here, without fail, every news channel will do a story on how grocery stores are running out of milk, towns aren't sure they'll have enough salt and people in hardware stores are buying shovels. Is the last one of those that always perplexes me.

What New England resident doesn't own a shovel at this point? Did you think that winter wasn't coming this year? After last season did you throw your shovel away and think "Jees, glad that's over with?" There can't possibly be this many people who either thought they were moving after last season or didn't have an unbroken shovel when last winter ended. Yet, every year the news stations get this b-roll without fail. How many new Boston residents are there, and how many of them are coming from warmer climates? It's almost always the other way around, hence my confusion. I'm just trying to figure out who the hell is buy shovels this late in the season. It's New England, in the winter: it's going to snow. Really, that's not a guess - it's a fact. It's been snowing on and off for three days now - I'm willing to bet that it won't be the last time this season.

-You know what, Wes Welker? Now you catching touchdowns is just pissing me off. Lets just say I connect to the fantasy football commercials with all the teams going 1-13 or 2-12.

-Big thanks to Seattle for taking out the J-E-T-S. Now we need the Jets to care next week against the Dolphins then the Patriots just need to take out the Bills to get the 3 seed and host a playoff game. I'm not banking on Jacksonville helping us out and taking out the Ravens. Also, Eric Mangini, hope you enjoyed the whole "Head Coach" experiment. You probably get one more year, but then it back to secondary coach for you, buddy.

A mix bag of nothing...

-So, the final tally of yesterday's storm was around a foot of snow, give or take an inch. Since it was supposed to snow on and off all night we didn't even bother to start shovelling last night and just let it alone until this morning. Since my dad is having knee surgery in January and won't be joining in the winter fun after that we let him have the snowblower while Jay and I did around the cars, the walkways and steps. All told, it took us about an hour and half and we only broke the snowblower once. Of course, it is still snowing 3 hours later and apparently we're getting 3-6 more inches of snow tomorrow, so this was just round 1.

-Due to everyone freaking out about the snow storm, most stores were empty and closed early. Seems like everyone lost a day of shopping time and Christmas is only five days away now. Thus, they're saying (they always have an opinion, don't they?) this could be the busiest shopping day of the season, even worse than Black Friday. As a result, screw it, I'm staying in, watching crappy bowl games (Navy... Wake Forest... feel the excitement!) and finishing my shopping on Monday.

-Here's my feelings on Mark Teixeira: I don't want him and I don't understand why people are lining up to throw $200 million at him. He's a good player, but $200 million is "best player of a generation" money and that's not him. I get the interest, after all he's the best available hitter not named Manny Ramirez on the market this year, but if he doesn't want to take 8 years and $160 million then you walk away. Let him enjoy playing for the Nationals (sidebar: that would actually make a descent corners combo for the Nats with Teixeira and Zimmerman) and playing in front of 15,000 people a night. I think the Sox are already is pretty good shape for next year anyways with Youkilis and Lowell (who will finally be healthy). Also, where are they going to fit him into the lineup? Move Youkilis back to third? Then what do you do with Lowell, cause I doubt anyone will be willing to take him off you hands unless the Sox agree to pick up a large chunk of his salary. Just cause you cut a lot of salary after last season doesn't mean you need to put it right back on.

-I just want to say how excellent this season has been for the Celtics. Sometimes, when a team wins a championship, the next year they can only take so much of the other teams giving them their best shot night in and night out, but this team seems to thrive on that, not shrink away from it. I never would have said it before the season for that exact reason, but 70 wins is possible for this squad.

Behold the Power of the WeatherMan!!!

Since Tuesday, we've been hearing about the killer storm heading our way.

"It'll be here Friday. Hoard gas! Stockpile food! If you know an old person... well, they just aren't going to make it through this. Say your good-byes. My God, this is the same storm that made it snow in Las Vegas!"

Is this a snowstorm or a super-villain?

It was going to drop between 3 and 430 inches of snow on us, coming down either as the light fluffy stuff or in glacier form. It will be starting Friday, ending sometime between Friday night and April. Last year we had a storm hit at noon that caused everyone to have a 7 hour commute home, so this year the state told non-essential personnel not to come in and half the schools decided to just declare it a snow day and get it over with.

However, as I type this at 1:30, I have yet to see a single flake. Nothing. I understand that as the weatherman you're really trying to predict the future, which can be difficult. Ask those cocky anchormen to tell you what the lead story is going to be tomorrow and I bet they won't have an answer for you. But, the thing is that you should be able to get more accurate as you get closer to when it actually will snow. First is was in the morning, then noon, now maybe 2. These little bastards totally could have gone to school today. Instead, because of what the weatherman said, they got the day off and the state was pretty much running on a skeleton crew because of the potential of snow. After seeing his power, I want the weatherman to go on TV and tell everyone that the stock market is going to go up 1200 points on Monday. It'll have to - the weatherman said so.

-Just in case I had forgotten that I'm never getting off their mailing list, I got my reminder from the Combined Jewish Philanthropies that Hanukkah starts on Sunday night. You know, I've been Catholic for my entire 28 years of existence and I don't get any mail from them. You go to one Celebrate Israel Day and they've got you for years.

The Best Kind of Shopping...

-As a general rule I, like most men, shop like I'm on a scavenger hunt. I identify what I need, I find it, I get the hell out. I need jeans? I get jeans and I'm gone. There is no lolly-gagging. But, there are a few exceptions: TV shopping, car shopping and golf club shopping. But, I now need to add a fourth category and it maybe the best of them all - recliner shopping.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has wanted a recliner. But, we've either never had the room or my mom just told him he didn't really want one. But, this year my dad was turning 60 and since you only get to do that once, we kids banded together to find him a nice leather recliner. With Shivaun and I having the most flexible schedules, it was up to us to find one.

Let me tell you how recliner shopping works. First thing is to avoid the salesperson, be it the guy with the champion mullet or the woman with the visible bald spot. Then, you identify a chair and you sit down. Well, that's nice. Try another one. My, that's also nice. This is generally the entire process. You just sit in one comfortable chair after another, until you find one that is so comfortable that you don't really want to get up. That's the one you want to buy.

-I was watching the news last night and the weatherman told me that the average snowfall for Massachusetts in December is 6 inches. Friday we're expecting between 10 and 14 inches. Last Monday it was almost 70 degrees. I feel this roller-coaster is best summed up in a letter:

Dear Mother Nature,
Make up your fucking mind.

-Tom

Five Word Movie Reviews...

I don't usually like going to the movies. I just don't enjoy paying $10, plus whatever a large soda costs, for the right to sit next to people who won't shut up and brought their kids to an R-rated movie cause it costs less than a babysitter. Plus, movies lately haven't been worth it. Between the combination of a lack of a "wow" movie coming out (Dark Knight was the last exception) and the quick turnaround from the theatre to BlockBuster, usually it's just easier to wait for it to come out on video. However, I do love watching movies. So, between BlockBuster and the movie channels we get, I've been catching up on all the stuff I wanted to see in the past, but just never bothered to go out and see. I wanted to write my review of these movies, but I have about 10 that I've seen in the last couple of weeks and frankly, it would take too long to write lengthy reviews for all of them. Thus, I'm condensing it down to five words.

I Am Legend: Like Cast Away, with monsters.
Juno: Funny, but not that great.
Dark Knight: Really long, but really excellent.
American Gangster: This movie would not end.
Ocean's 13: Should have stopped after 11.
There Will Be Blood: Long stretches when nothing happens.
The Kingdom: Last thirty minutes, very intense.
No Country for Old Men: This was the best picture?
Iron Man: Pretty good, but too over-hyped.
The ComeBacks: Features Journey sing-a-long. 'Nuf said.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan: Couldn't watch after thirty minutes. (5 bonus words: Adam Sandler, what fuckin' happened?)
A/K/A Tommy Chong: Kinda preachy considering they're potheads.
SpiderMan 3: OK, I think three's enough.

So, there you go. I just saved you about 26 hours.

Apparently, I look helpful...

Since Christmas is a scant nine days away, I figured I should probably get on that shit and start my shopping. I ended up making an unusually healthy dent in my list and I only have four more gifts to get, three of which I know what I'm getting and it's just a case of finding it. It was a very productive day, but there was a downside: I've found my gift of people needing to tell me their life story has mutated. Now I'm the person everyone asks for help when there are no salespeople around.

It started harmlessly enough. I was in Christmas Tree Shop (yes, I do just love a bargain) when a little old lady who looked like Happy Gilmore's grandmother asked me to get her something off the top shelf. No problem, Merry Christmas. Then, her friend wanted one of the same thing. OK, happy to help. Wait, Ethel may need one. Sure. Then some guy came up to me, looking very annoyed at the world. "Do you work here?" he asked. Now, at the time I was wearing what I consider to be my winter uniform: workboots, jeans and a sweatshirt. Last time I check, that wasn't what you should wear to work there (I think a vest in involved). He then asked me where they kept the coffee tables. Of course, as someone who DOESN'T WORK THERE I'm perfectly qualified to answer him.

I then went to Modell's where, truth be told, I was shopping for myself (that always happens at Christmas time). I was searching for just the right Notre Dame hat when a woman asked me if I knew who Brian Westbrook was. I don't know the man personally, but I know of him. She didn't seem to appreciate my attempt at humor. "Where is his jersey?" I don't know, I don't work at Modell's. "Oh, do you know Deron Williams?" Again, I know of him. "Where is his jersey?" Once again, I don't know, and I don't see one. "What about..." This went of for five more minutes (sidebar: the balls of her kid to ask for like 15 jerseys. I never pressed my luck past 3. Those are expensive.). Eventually, I just had to get out before she started asking me to come with her to other stores and I fled in a hurry, not even getting myself a new hat (well, not at Modell's, anyway).

The rest of my day, I was the designated "tallest guy in the row". I wish I was exaggerating, but at three more stores I was asked to get something off the top shelf, once with a sales guy, with a friggin step stool in his hand, standing next to me. That girl was extremely hot though, so I wasn't about to complain. I guess the moral of this story is that I should have extended my career in retail; apparently I'm a natural.

Tree Envy

I'm not a huge one for Christmas decorations. We don't go overboard with the lights outside (whoever invented those Christmas light nets is a fricking genius) and just have a few strings of garland over the door to finish off the outside decorations. But, I take my Christmas tree hunt very seriously.

My father and I have it down to a science: we always go to the same place every year and we always say that we're going to spend a reasonable amount. My mom asks us not to get a huge tree, but we don't usually listen. Invariably every tree we look at sucks and we spend an hour pulling and shaking out every tree at the place, trying to find a good one. Then we wander into the $60 section, where the 9 foot trees are hidden (our ceilings are only 8 feet). Of course, that's where the full trees are and we end up getting on of those and spend thirty minutes in the cold, trying to find where we can trim this down so that it will fit into the house and still fit the Santa that goes on top. It's a fine system and it works.

But this year was different. We started down the first aisle, not seeing anything. We cut across to the second aisle and spotted a beautiful tree leaning in the front of the pile. My dad pulled it out to get a better look at it, where I expected to see a huge gap or something. Nope. We looked it up and down, spun it in every direction. It was perfect. We were both stunned. Now, with all shopping comes buyer's remorse, so before we paid for it I wanted to take a quick walk around the lot and see if anything else caught my eye. There was an old guy hanging around behind my dad, ready to pounce if he let go of the tree. I made a quick spin around the place, couldn't find anything better and we had our Christmas tree. As we were bringing it to the front to get a fresh cut, I heard the guy who wanted our tree say "That's a nice tree. Really nice." Yep, and you can't have it (Christmas Spirit at it's finest).

Here's the best part: it was in the $40 section. I'm completely convinced this was wrong and it should have been in the $60 section, but I wasn't about to question it. So, a process that usually takes an hour and $60, took about 15 minutes and $40 bucks and it might be the nicest tree we've had in years. It's a Christmas miracle...

Who Throws a Shoe, Honestly?

-OK, look, I'm not a fan of George W. I've voted against him at every single turn. But, you need to keep something in mind: he's gone in 36 days. It's a little late to show up with the righteous indignation.

-On a personal note, damn you Wes Welker. You wait until AFTER my fantasy football season ends to catch your first touchdown in eight weeks. Where were you when I was going 1-7 the last 8 weeks, losing most games by 3 or 4 points. My fantasy football team sucked this year.

Sean Avery's Reality Check

It's about time that a major sports star (ok, he might just be an NHL star, but as far as NHL stars go, he's up there) actually got punished for doing something wrong.

You see, I love sports. But, in the words of Chris Rock "I'm just tired of defending it." Whenever a sports star screws up someone (usually the one person on ESPN who you can tell really wants to be doing 'real' news) points out how if you or I did that same thing at our job, we would get fired. And most of the time, I don't have much of a comeback. Well, thank you Sean Avery for solving my problem.

Avery, who's a pretty descent forward for the Dallas Stars, is also a douchebag. It's never been a secret that he's a large ass, as evidence by the fact that despite his talent he has bounced between four teams over the last nine years. Also, he's really into fashion, even interning at Vogue during his offseason. That doesn't make him more of a douche, it just makes him weird.

Back in the day when he was playing for the Los Angeles Kings, Avery dated actress Elisha Cuthbert of The Girl Next Door fame (yes, I know she was on 24, but I've never seen that). Apparently she came around to his doucey-ness and moved on with another hockey player who played for the Calgary Flames. When Avery's Stars came to Calgary the other day, Sean gathered reporters around him, waited until they were all rolling and said the following gem:

"I'm just going to say one thing. I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just wanted to comment on how, it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Classy, no? He then walked away without taking any questions, probably really proud of himself. You could tell by looking at him that he thought this was hysterical. After all, he had just made fun of his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend in one fell swoop and he had done it on TV. Doucheness achieved.

One small problem for Sean Avery: the league has enough problems pulling in an audience without pissing off women. So, the commissioner called him into his office and told him to sit out the next six games. Then this morning, the Dallas Stars told him that that's ok, why don't you just not come back ever. That would be karma, dude.

Ok, the world has gone nuts...

Certain levels of cheating are expected in sports. That's why there are refs - to call you out when they catch you, make you feel like an idiot in front of a large crowd of people and make you try and be less obvious on your next attempt. But, I'm talking about getting a half-second jump on the snap, putting a hand on a back and a little shove in the lane or trying to steal a catcher's sign from second. When it comes to that kind of cheating, it's actually pretty fair. Everyone's trying it, so it may be the only thing in sports that's equal. We dress it up and call it "gamesmanship," but it's an attempt at cheating. For whatever reason, I can roll with that. But, I find people who use steroids to be giant pieces of shit. That being said, I never thought steroids would hit the world of chess.

Technically, this guy didn't fail a drug test, he simply refused to take one. But, as anyone who has ever applied for a job before knows, refusal to take a drug test is the same as failing. I guess they are trying to make chess an Olympic sport (why not? badminton is) and thus, they need to start drug testing to make this happen. I think the mistake they made was asking this guy to piss in a cup immediately after he lost. Think back to the guys who were in the chess club in high school: did they strike you as the type who rolled with situations? No, they were the guys who thought they were the smartest in the room and got pissed when anyone who they thought was dumber than them (read: everyone) asked them to change their routines in any way. I've seen chihuahuas that are less skittish.

I wonder what chess officials think anyone will accomplish taking steroids. I would think that bulging biceps, while surely intimidating, would only serve to either break the time clock or force you to slam down you piece with such force it would knock the rest of the pieces off the board, causing you to start all over again. I just think they should use some common sense.

Of course, it could be that he was on steroid. Just look at what he did after the match:

"he stormed out of the room in the conference center, kicked a concrete pillar in the lobby, pounded a countertop in the cafeteria with his fists and then vanished into the coatroom".

Sounds like 'roid rage to me.

Why Not Just Donate to the Human Fund?

In a story that only proves sci-fi geeks and their money are soon parted, a Russian billionaire recently bought his not-as-hot-as-you-would-think girlfriend 100 acres of land... on the moon. This story leaves me full of questions:

1. How did this guy become a billionaire? He's clearly easily duped.

2. Did she ask for this, or was this just a spur of the moment idea? Take it from me, man, this is why you should always ask for a list from any girlfriend. They don't like it when you take initiative in this way. I can only imagine she'll give him the "Oh, well that's thoughtful" courtesy smile, but all the while she'll be thinking of a tactful way to ask for the receipt.

3. What, exactly is she going to do with this land? Are we close to living on the moon, and I'm just out of the news loop? Or for Valentine's Day is she getting a chamber where she can be frozen until this land becomes a hot commodity?

4. On the scale of useless gifts, this has to be way up there. Why not just get her a sleeve of scratch tickets? At least then, even if she doesn't win, she at least has the fun of doing all the scratching...

-And, here's something to motivate you for the rest of the day (Thanks Shiv, via Best Week Ever.)

God, the Yankees Suck...

You know, it takes real balls to ask for a loan and then spend the money on something frivolous. The New York Yankees, who had already been given about a billion dollars in tax-exempt bonds from New York, yesterday asked for an additional $260 million from the city. OK, times are tough and construction costs are probably soaring. The Yankees bring a lot of revenue to the area, I can see why the city was willing to give them the initial tax break, even if it is like the richest family in town asking for money from their community cause their house just has to have a 6 car garage. It doesn't need it, they just want it. The Yankees didn't need a new stadium, they just wanted one. Luxury boxes are the standard by which all stadiums are judged today and Yankee Stadium didn't have enough.
But to ask for an additional $260 million and then the next day offer the richest contract for a pitcher in the history of baseball is beyond ballsy. To offer CC Sabathia a 7-year, $160 million deal was dumb to begin with (he's got weight issues and a ton of miles on that arm... good luck around year 3 of this deal) - but to cry poverty right before you do it? And then to announce to the world that you're not done shopping? And you wonder why everyone hates the Steinbrenners.
To put this in a real world context, this would be like asking your friends for a loan because you can't afford to fix your roof this year and the next time they come over to your house you've got a massive new flatscreen on your wall. Oh, and the surround sound system is being installed next week. But, don't worry, your friends can come over anytime to watch TV... they just need to pay you at the door and if they want a beer, that'll be $15.
Meanwhile, even the Red Sox had the common sense to keep ticket prices the same as last year. While that's not exactly a break for most people, considering what the Sox charge, it beats raising them. Baseball needs a salary cap and soon.

-By the way, it's December 10th and I as I type this, my window is open and there's a lovely breeze blowing in. So much for frosty holiday cheer.

My Guy versus Your Guy

I never thought of my buddy Franny as overly-political. He never seemed to lean heavily to the right or to the left. His parents are pretty conservative Republicans so he typically voted with them, as you would expect, but he never seemed very passionate about many right-wing stances. I just never thought he actually cared one way or the other, until this year's Presidential election. All of a sudden Obama, who I made no secret I was voting for, became "Your Guy" and McCain was "My Guy."

Once the election was over, he could not wait to point out all the things that "Your Guy" was doing wrong. For example, in the last three weeks he's reported how Nancy Pelosi is going to make Obama her errand boy, he's not going to pass one piece of legislation that will help the economy and the terrorists are dancing with joy at Obama's win. The problem is, he's running out of steam and thus, his arguments are getting weak. Here's a transcript of a conversation we had yesterday:

Franny: Did you know that Your Guy smokes?
Me: Yeah? And...?
Franny: He's a terrible role model for children. [editor's note: Franny once started smoking because he thought it would get him laid. He's not one to talk.]
Me: Well, Bush is going down as the worst President in the history of the country.
Franny: Yeah, but Obama smokes.

He hasn't even been sworn in yet. I eagerly await four more years of this.

Once again, leave it to Jon Stewart to say it best:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - President Goofus and President Gallant

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

First Snow

-Sunday morning I looked out the window and found that we had had our first snow of the season. It wasn't much - just a dusting and it didn't even stick on the driveway, but it was still snow. I've always loved snow, so this made me very excited. I don't know why, but something about snow makes me feel like a kid again. I guess it has to do with still hoping for snow days or something. I don't even mind shoveling that much (lucky me, that'll come in handy). I guess it just means that Christmas is coming and that's always been one of my favorite times of the year. Of course, it's supposed to be near 60 on Wednesday, so my holiday cheer will be short-lived.

-Dear Kevin,
You're awesome, really. You're one of the best power forwards in the history of basketball and a Boston sports legend. But, you suck as a GM. I hate being the one that has to tell you. Look, your owner wants you to quit, he just doesn't have the balls to tell you. Take the hint, man. This is how they got Isiah Thomas.

-Have you ever wondered if God wants you to be married? In this man's case, I would go with a resounding NO.

-Now that it's official and Florida and Oklahoma will be playing for the National Championship, I think it's clear that the BCS doesn't work. I'm not saying this because a computer said that an Oklahoma team that lost to Texas was somehow still better than Texas, but because the rest of the BCS bowls are lousy. They had a tremendous opportunity to have a great bowl game with Texas versus Alabama or a rematch of one of the best college games I have ever seen in USC versus Texas. Instead they have Texas against a two loss Ohio State team (why Ohio State gets to go to a BCS Bowl, but undefeated Boise State and 1-loss Texas Tech are shut out is wrong), Alabama playing Utah and USC going against Penn State. Overall, I'm not very excited about any of the bowls this season. They need to end the practice of locking in conferences with specific bowls and just allow the committees to try and make the best matchups instead.

Hawaii Bowl it is...

-Notre Dame has accepted an invitation to play in the Hawaii Bowl against... Hawaii. Seems like that was fairly obvious, but when it's your bowl I guess you should expect to play in it. Apparently they were considering the Liberty or Independence Bowl, but found the thought of playing a powerhouse like Rice to be scary. Ok, you did the smart thing and went to a lower bowl. Now you just have to win it, so we can stop hearing about how ND hasn't won a bowl game since 1993. This program could use a win right about now to end the year on an up note.

-Good to see that, a year after getting shit on for not showing up at the ACC Championship game, the fans of Virginia Tech and Boston College decided that that wasn't going to happen again. They really came out in force to show their support for their teams. It was awe-inspiring.

"Could you squeeze in? We want to make sure that no one is saving seats."

French Mario Cart

As a man who is extremely fond of Mario Cart (it's no GoldenEye, but it'll do in a pinch) I found this to be awesome.

For some reason, I can never embed anything for this damn blog, but here's the link:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7lni3_mario-kart-remi-gaillard_fun

I can't tell you what they're saying because I only took French for 5 years (you didn't expect me to retain that did you? I had Foulard as a teacher - all I learned was what a middle-aged woman looks like when she has a mental breakdown).

The College Football Edition

-We went to Rancho Chico for dinner last night and I had my first experience with fried ice cream for dessert. Where has this been all my life?

-I'm pleased that Notre Dame decided not to fire Charlie Weis and let him come back for a fifth season. But, he needs to win 9, not 8, the team needs to finish in the top 15 and go to a major bowl to save his job beyond next year. People point out that they only have five road games next year (and one is a neutral site), but it's not like the home games are easy. They still have USC coming to South Bend (beating USC isn't a requirement for Weis to keep his job (yet) but they've got to be more competitive than they were this year). In the meantime, I'm waiting anxiously to see what bowl they end up at.

-I think Texas Tech Coach Mike Leach would be a fun guy to play for. First off, he looks like Jonah Hill's dad. Secondly, he's obsessed with pirates and finally, he takes every question seriously... even when it's about dating. "The girl will be forced to eat in front of you." Fantastic. Also, I have him staying put at Tech. I just get the feeling that his quirkiness wouldn't be fully appreciated at Auburn and there don't seem to be any other major jobs worth moving for.

-I have no horse in the race, but I am very interested to see how Alabama/Florida plays out for the SEC championship. It should be a good game, but I wonder how good either of these teams really are. The SEC seems very down this year, especially when you consider the way that both Georgia and LSU staggered to the finish.

-Over in the Big 12 you have to root for Missouri in the Championship game if you favor a playoff system, don't you? Nothing would bring more chaos than trying to decide who gets to play the Florida/Alabama winner. Would it be USC, who lost to an four-loss Oregon State team or Texas, who couldn't even win their own league championship?

-The fact that Pete Carroll is willing to give up a timeout just so his team can wear red jerseys this weekend is exactly why he is a great college coach, but nothing more. Also, it proves how little he actually thinks of UCLA's chances.

-I don't really even want to talk about the BC/Virgina Tech game, because no one from the ACC is very good this year. It was a league of teams that were OK, not great. The game is being played by the guys who screwed up the least. Not exactly an inspiring match-up. But, it does give me a reason to show this picture:

No, it was a great idea to have a team from the North East join an entirely southern conference. They'll blend right in with Clemson and Miami. Hopefully the game will be a little fuller this year. Or ESPN will at least know not to have any blimp shots.

Oh, now that's just awful...

Happy Birthday Shiv!

-You ever watch a movie that was so bad at the end of it you almost feel you need a shower? Ladies and Gentlemen I give you "In the Name of the King."

This should not be confused with "In the Name of the Father" which is a spectacular movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis. That one, which came out in 1993, I highly recommend you see. "In the Name of the King" is an awful, Lord of the Rings-type ripoff based off of what I can only imagine is an equally awful video game. From beginning to end, it's terrible. When I finished it I wanted a medal for my troubles.
But what's amazing is that this movie actually has an ok cast. It stars the usually solid Jason Statham, who I typically enjoy (seriously, Snatch, the original Transporter and the Bank Job were good movies). Also had the very under-rated Ron Perlman (watch season one of Sons of Anarchy), Ray Liotta (who you think is good until you look at his IMDB page and realise he hasn't done anything of consequence since Goodfellas) and Burt Reynolds, who I'm sure they got by tricking him into believing it was just like Lord of the Rings. I bet he would have spent the whole movie looking pissed, except between botox and facelifts, I'm not sure he can look pissed anymore. As an added bonus they even brought in Claire Forlani, who I've had a crush on since MallRats (I know she's not the star of it, but do yourself a favor and watch "Green Street Hooligans"... today). They all contributed to this piece of shit.

You may be asking why I didn't just turn it off. First off, since it was on Showtime it was free. When you pay to rent a shitty movie that almost makes it feel like the movie is even worse. Also, since it was on the movie channels it meant that it was going to be on again and again and again. I figured I had to get it over with, otherwise I was going to waste another night when I caught it in the middle and, in a moment of weakness, decide I need to know how it ends. Also, and this was the deciding factor: there was nothing else on TV. Believe me, I looked. A lot.

Two quick links before I go:
-This could be the most heartbreaking thing ever. I'm going to just tell you what it is, then you can decide if you want to watch it. This is video of a dog trying to cross the highway and unfortunately, doesn't make it. He's not killed, just injured. A second dog then comes along and pulls the injured dog off the highway. On a related note, fuck cats.

-As a man who has done a stupid thing or two in the name of a woman, I can't fault this guy. Especially when you scroll down and see the pictures of his wife.

I've been tagged by Liz...

These are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. (see above)
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random, arbitrary things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

6 Random Things (that I don’t mind being posted on the internet) :
1. My second toes are longer than my big toes. I blame this genetic anomaly for my lack of dancing ability.

2. Something about me makes people want to tell me everything that has happened in their life until now. I was in a store today, wearing my Notre Dame fleece, when a woman stopped me and we proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation about how her husband was an alumnus who hated Charlie Weis, her son goes to Providence, Georgetown is a great school, her daughter is a homebody who’s boyfriend goes to Harvard, private high school is so expensive, she needs new couch covers, she doesn’t think Mansfield should get to keep playing in the high school playoffs and can you believe how much gas prices have gone down? I had never seen this woman before today, but I was about four minutes away from being invited over for tea.

3. My most creative time is late at night. For some reason, my brain never feels the need to get creative until I’m lying down, trying to sleep. That’s when all my good ideas show up.

4. I get really annoyed when people misquote movies. If you’re going to take the time to reference something, get it right – down to every last word.

5. I refuse to watch any television show when a ton of people tell me to watch. I will not watch Heroes, 24, Survivor… any of it. CSI might be the most popular show on television and I never watched it before they started running repeats on Spike TV. This leads me to discover that shows are cool right before they become either uncool or cancelled.

6. I hate the word decadent. Whenever I hear the word I want to squeeze the speaker’s head.


I'm not tagging anyone, because anyone I know with a blog has already been tagged. Thus, feel free to copy and paste on your own blog as you see fit.

Eliza Ronan

Born this morning at about 10:30. Weighing in at 8 pounds, 11 ounces. Apparently no one in my family can have either small babies or boys. I'm extremely happy to report that both mom and baby are doing well.



She looks a lot like Jenny in this picture.

Ok, I'll admit it...

-You know what? I like Nickelback. That's right - I said it. Somewhere along the way, Nickelback went from one of those bands that everyone liked, to the one that it became cool for everyone to hate. I understand the counter-argument: yes, several of their songs sound the same. However, I like the way those same songs sound. Hence, I like Nickelback. I'm tired of the 6', 125 pound, blue-haired, heavily tattooed and pierced, mad-at-the-world Newbury Comics worker judging my musical selections. I've been listening to this song basically on repeat for the last 24 hours (there is no video, but it was the only link I could find that didn't require you to buy the song). I think it's a great song, though I just have a feeling that it'll be at the end of some romantic comedy with the people running towards each other in slow motion in the rain (it's always in the rain, right Liz?).

-You ever want to feel like a freakishly large human? Go back into a junior high school for ten minutes. Everything there is built for people that top out at five feet tall. The sink in the bathroom was practically at my knees.

-I love everything about the Plaxico Burress story, and since no one got seriously hurt, it's ok to laugh about it. But, here are my favorite parts:
1. He was wearing sweatpants. I think Seinfeld is right; he’s just given up trying to impress people and just wants to be comfortable. What kind of club lets you in wearing sweatpants?
2. The club's bouncers, upon seeing he had a gun, were escorting him to the VIP area to unload it. They weren't asking him to get rid of it, they weren't asking him to leave – just make sure his gun was empty. Because you know, modern guns take forever to load. I'm beginning to have some questions about the legitimacy of this club.
3. He gave the fake name of Harris Smith at the hospital. He's the star wide receiver for the defending Super Bowl Champions New York Giants at a hospital in New York City. And yet, he honestly thought that would work. Also, that's the worst porn name in history.
4. He drove around almost two hours after shooting himself so he could concoct a solid story. He came up with being shot at an AppleBee's. What kind of AppleBee's is he usually in that that seemed like a viable option? And if you're AppleBee's, are you happy about this? On the one hand you're getting a ton of free advertising. On the other, apparently you run a restaurant where it seems plausible you can get shot. Can't imagine that will go over well.

-Since we're talking NFL anyways, I'm seriously intrigued about the thought of going to Wembley Stadium next October for the Patriots and Buccaneers game. It is funny how I thought trying to shove American football down the throats of a cultural that clearly doesn't want it (hello and goodbye, NFL Europe) was a really terrible idea… right up until the time that my team gets invited to go over and play. Now, it's an interesting marketing idea.

-As I was still dying Sunday night, I wasn't coherent enough to remember to watch Dexter. I don't want to ruin it for those who haven't seen it yet, but I'll just say: good twist. Did not see that one coming.

New After-Thanksgiving Diet...

-If you went a little overboard this Thanksgiving and your wondering what diet you should try to get back to your pre-turkey day form, I've found a great way to lose weight fast - it's called the flu.

It's a tremendous weight loss technique. I had dinner at about 7:30 Friday night and literally did not eat a single thing until Sunday afternoon, when I risked trying some soup. I couldn't even keep Gatorade down. In the meantime, I drifted in and out of consciousness, fortunately avoiding the shit-show that was the USC-ND game (more on that in a second). But, between the puking and the heat flashes, I'm pretty sure I lost about five pounds. Plus, with the dry-heaves you get those great ab workouts.

Now, I love my nieces with all my heart. But these little girls are the bringers of the plague. Every year, about this time, one of them gets sick and then gives it to her family. We then proceed to pass it back and forth, like some sort of crappy Christmas grab gift. This year we've even expanded to include my uncle Paul... so, lucky him.

-Flu or no flu, I was definitely going to have to do some work to counter-act all the eating I did at Thanksgiving. Here's all you need to know about round 1 at the Rakauskas household: 7 people, 8 pies. That's how we roll, bitches.

-Huge goings on in Norwood: following this season, Norwood will play Walpole on Thanksgiving, not Dedham. Apparently after 80 years, Dedham decided to change leagues. What, was the travel of two towns over too much?

-Alright, I'm starting to see the need for a change at Notre Dame. I was resisting for the longest time, and I still don't want Coach Weis to get fired, but I see the other side's point. The team has regressed the last four weeks and if Weis wants to hang his hat on his offensive genius, they should manage more than 91 yards of offense. Personally, I had them winning 7 games before the season started, so only the Syracuse game really pissed me off. Now, when your starting quarterback is a true sophomore, you should expect growing pains. But, usually those pains are still in the forward direction, which I haven't seen in a month. If they decide to keep Coach Weis (and the reported size of his buyout could be the only thing in his favor right now) they need to resist the urge to accept a large bowl bid. Forget the Sun, Gator or Cotton bowls. They need to look more to the level of the Pioneer, Independence or Meineke Bowls. Play a lesser opponent - someone they can be competitive against. Going to a major bowl to get destroyed by someone like Texas Tech isn't going to help anyone. This program needs a win in the worst way right now and snapping their long bowl losing streak will go a long way to silencing the alumni who are calling for Charlie's head.