Oh, now that's just awful...

Happy Birthday Shiv!

-You ever watch a movie that was so bad at the end of it you almost feel you need a shower? Ladies and Gentlemen I give you "In the Name of the King."

This should not be confused with "In the Name of the Father" which is a spectacular movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis. That one, which came out in 1993, I highly recommend you see. "In the Name of the King" is an awful, Lord of the Rings-type ripoff based off of what I can only imagine is an equally awful video game. From beginning to end, it's terrible. When I finished it I wanted a medal for my troubles.
But what's amazing is that this movie actually has an ok cast. It stars the usually solid Jason Statham, who I typically enjoy (seriously, Snatch, the original Transporter and the Bank Job were good movies). Also had the very under-rated Ron Perlman (watch season one of Sons of Anarchy), Ray Liotta (who you think is good until you look at his IMDB page and realise he hasn't done anything of consequence since Goodfellas) and Burt Reynolds, who I'm sure they got by tricking him into believing it was just like Lord of the Rings. I bet he would have spent the whole movie looking pissed, except between botox and facelifts, I'm not sure he can look pissed anymore. As an added bonus they even brought in Claire Forlani, who I've had a crush on since MallRats (I know she's not the star of it, but do yourself a favor and watch "Green Street Hooligans"... today). They all contributed to this piece of shit.

You may be asking why I didn't just turn it off. First off, since it was on Showtime it was free. When you pay to rent a shitty movie that almost makes it feel like the movie is even worse. Also, since it was on the movie channels it meant that it was going to be on again and again and again. I figured I had to get it over with, otherwise I was going to waste another night when I caught it in the middle and, in a moment of weakness, decide I need to know how it ends. Also, and this was the deciding factor: there was nothing else on TV. Believe me, I looked. A lot.

Two quick links before I go:
-This could be the most heartbreaking thing ever. I'm going to just tell you what it is, then you can decide if you want to watch it. This is video of a dog trying to cross the highway and unfortunately, doesn't make it. He's not killed, just injured. A second dog then comes along and pulls the injured dog off the highway. On a related note, fuck cats.

-As a man who has done a stupid thing or two in the name of a woman, I can't fault this guy. Especially when you scroll down and see the pictures of his wife.